Matt Dillahunty - Unholy Trinity Down Under: "Why Won't You Love Me?" (Version 1)

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[Music] has there ever been anybody in the history of history who's been converted by a street preacher somebody who saw some cat on the soapbox with his sign screaming in a microphone you're all going to hell then they drop to their knees to go you know you're absolutely [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] bang well I was kind of cool I just created everything I mean heaven and earth I am so cool matter fact I'm perfect after all I mean I know everything so I knew I was gonna create everything and I have this I have this amazing plan and I just know that it's gonna work out exactly as I planned it wait a minute how how can I create time they're gonna ask about that I mean creating anything is an action and an action requires time so how can you create time if there's not oh well if I can't figure it out they won't I'll just tell them I know everything I creating anything at all I mean I'm sure they're gonna ask but it's actually part of my plan to create them so that they can almost but not quite understand it and they'll be convinced that I understand it because of course I understand everything even what it's like to not understand something hmm maybe I'm lonely I mean no I can't be lonely I'm perfect which I guess could mean that I know what it's like to be lonely and does that make me no no no I'm perfect oh well my ways are not like their ways and Oh keep that that'll come in handy yeah so I'm thinking this will take about six days or so yeah I mean you know I I could do it in a blink I'm gonna make it look like billions of years but I just kind of want to do it in six days and then take a rest I mean after all I created this time thing I might as well use part of it to relax and hello I'm perfect so I should be able to create things that are perfect but I really I really want to be the only perfect thing so I'm just gonna make them good nothing can go wrong with a plan like this a perfect being with a perfect plan making imperfect things it sounds like a winner to me so we'll go ahead and create this universe thing I really think it ought to be huge like unbelievably huge like exaggerated huge even though it's actually tiny in comparison to my awesomeness and I'll make billions of galaxies and ignore them eat each of those galaxies can have billions of stars with tons of planets and moons and other things like that cool that was easy okay so my goal here is to create some other beings that I can interact with so let's just pick one of these planets yeah when they're around that little star that's it we'll just work here wow this is still kind of a big space for what I was I was planning let's let's start in a tinier area and uh animals I need animals so there we go oh yes even though most of you will eventually die off we need you to get started so that's good yeah I'm just I'm not quite feeling it I mean you guys are kind of cute and everything but I really wanted to create animals that could love me and follow me and worship me because that sounds awesome I need them to interact with me but but so far what if creatives just kind of crap I mean they're a bit too simple why did I wanted to do that let's create something that we need something that's a little more like me I mean that just makes sense hey Adam wake up wake up there you go yeah you're pretty cool I'd like you to start off by naming all these animals that I made I don't need to know their names so you just do it yourself and while you're at it why don't you look through them and see if you can pick yourself out a partner a may to help meet amongst those animals and you know so you've already named them I really thought that would take longer to name maybe I haven't made enough yet what's it you didn't find any in there that were suitable you named all of them you looked them over and you didn't find anybody that surely thought sheep over there I mean that's there's a snail it's not gonna eat much of your food how about you no kangaroo quality fuzzy warm no but I know how you feel I knew how you felt before I asked you to do that little exercise I mean I knew you'd feel that way because I know everything after all I made all these animals they weren't good enough for me and you're made of my image so I would be stupid to think they'd be good enough for you wouldn't it and I'm not stupid I was just suggesting it to teach you a lesson tell you what why don't you take a nap and I'll go ahead and hook you up one little rib ought to do it after all I'm making the inferior version of you so she can't be equal that'd be as dumb as making you equal to me okay all right you two welcome to eat I do have some rules I'm confident that this is a perfect plan so you guys will get this right off the bat don't eat from that tree over there or you will die what do you mean you didn't you ate from that tree already okay so you're not actually going to die why did you do that I mean you didn't know it was wrong yes I know that's the tree that's supposed to tell you what's right and wrong but you should have known enough about right and wrong to know that it was wrong tree I just freaking told you the snake fine fine I'll I'll punish him too but all right you're done walking buddy I just so I'm gonna leave little residual legs behind and that's to show my power there's no way it could possibly confuse people about evolution and if it does it's their fault I suppose I'll make it so you can't talk anymore but we don't need to worry too much about that and from now on snakes all of your descendants are going to be at odds with the all of the descendants of that woman yes you're gonna be enemies there's no way that any woman ever will like a snake I know that's technically false and eventually there will be women who like snakes and yes it's incredibly sexist to suggest that women are somehow afraid of snakes when men aren't look at you Rob chase Jason but you know nobody will look at that as a mistake they'll just you know take it as hyperbole and I don't care enough to fix it so screw it after all I made women inferior on purpose the woman I I have bad news for you you are in for some painful childbirth originally it was supposed to be really easy but you had to go and eat that fruit and that kind of made your head too big for the birth canal that I designed I knew that would happen though which is why I designed it as a clever punishment ahead of time and an atom all of you men you get to plow the fields because I love bleep field plowing and I'm gonna go ahead and create some new plants which will appear to be an essential part of involved ecosystem but they're really just there so that you have weeds and thorns to put up with because I'm mad at you all right everybody out of the garden all of your descendants will bear the punishment of ruining my Play I mean carrying out my plan because I knew this was gonna happen but it's your fault use some oh yeah Cain killed your brother what the fuck we just got started yeah I know you're tilling the ground like I asked you to and but he was sacrificing sheep to me of course I liked his better the blood and the smoke I mean that's way better than burning wheat and I can't wait til you learn about barbecue and now I don't get my favorite offerings so I'm gonna go ahead and mark you and send you out so that people know you're a murderer and that they're not to kill you and later on I'm gonna expect murderers to be killed so count yourself lucky young man you get to be the one exception what's that what other people oh um so maybe I created some other people and just didn't tell you or you know you've got sisters and brothers they've spread out you know it doesn't matter stick with a narrative alright where's where's that checklist at okay yeah create everything check crate inferior beans that'll make a mistake I can punish him for check give them start them out on a difficult life in this world check and allow them to reproduce well that's good day's work time for another nap I'm walking this time thing Wow look at that there's a lot of them down there now holy crap and some of the murder kind of downright wicked mmm I know a fella looks pretty cool though I mean he likes the wine a bit too much but he's been around for about 500 you think have some kids Noah you're only 500 we'll get started now speaking that the guys are kind of living too long I think up maybe it's probably a good idea if I set your lifespan to a hundred and twenty years and then not revise that number even though you probably won't make it because you get a bit annoying when you've crossed 900 so it's to it hey youyou nephilim stop running around sleeping with the humans why why did I create Nephilim in the first place that's just nuts ah okay wow you guys are really doing a lot of evil shit down there I think I regret making you but I mean that would imply that I could actually regret something and since this is all this is started my plan yeah I I wanted to learn something new well I can't learn anything new oh yeah you're the ones that are gonna learn the lessons that's that's right that's why I did this is all for you and now I need to fix what you've messed up so I could talk to people and show them my power educate them about right and wrong because evidently eating the fruit only gave them half of the equation since they're all just doing wrong but screw it let's just reboot all right everybody get ready to die it's been fun for this first go-around maybe not everybody starting over from scratch I mean that was too much work to kind of snap my fingers but that Noah guy yeah yeah I know it so rather to start completely over we're gonna use you as kind of like the patriarch of my future wonderful people I'll just keep your one family and rebuild from there because that's far better than killing off everybody I mean I know what's gonna happen and I know that I'm still using tainted humans but surely this will work I mean you guys will love me this time you'll obey me because I saved you there's no way you could forget very quickly after all I started off with one imperfect couple and it went sour but that couldn't possibly happen again so let's drown everything else I know that little baby over there hasn't actually done anything wrong yet but I have future vision and it will so I'm punishing for it in advance so no I get it get a boat built stick a pair of everything on it yeah it's good and I will show you my awesomely brilliant power and strategy this will fix everything what's that you don't think all the animals have fit okay screw the dinosaurs this reboot probably won't affect anybody's view of history I'll make it work it's magic I'm magic all right cool so we're down to one boat one family and a bunch of animals here comes a rake that's pretty good all right all right waters recede now you animals listen up here and we're going to we got short time here for you to spread out so whose Wallabies and most deadly things you guys head off to Australia don't you dare whine about the long trip I spared you from my wrath so you do as you're told eventually there will be some people there for you to try to kill alright no we've reset everything you are now the prime example you will usher in a new age of righteousness and praise and sacrifices and plenty of juicy worshiping to welcome to the glorious new world that cannot fail I need you to start reproducing because more people does not equate to more chances for things to fail what's it oh no uh why did you start off this new exercise by building a vineyard and then getting your ass drunk on wine why did I pick a drunken sod to be the progenitor of the new world so while you were drunk one of your son saw you naked and you cursed his descendants to be slaves of his brothers descended that says who gave you the power to curse people that's that was my idea I started this cursing stuff I did this long before you were around you really are kind of like me no I come and glad I picked you but stopped you with the drinking my god alright I need a break it's let's take another quick nap here and wait what are you guys doing down there oh you're building a tower that's awesome is it to honor me no how can you possibly have enough people to even attempt this it's only been a few hundred years since I flooded and killed all of you and now you got enough people to build a whole massive city and you're starting work on this tower against my instructions to be fruitful and multiply or kind of worked out and the sex thing is pretty good so why are you building the tower you want to you want to build a tower to promote unity and stay together and keep from spreading out yeah that's no good if they keep doing that there's nothing they won't be able to accomplish so now you all speak different languages and I'm going to scatter you around the world because that's exactly what you wanted to not happen down with unity how dare you want to be United I'm not quite sure how that actually works into my plan but it's um oh it actually must work in my plan I'm maybe I'm a little hung up on the fact they're becoming a little bit more like me but alright alright so this plan of trying to get everyone to love me and worship me as failed again just like I planned for it to fail yeah it's a specially after I took a unified people and spread them up so I think what I want to do here is we're just gonna pick one group of people there'll be my special people I know this sounds a lot like the time I picked Noah and his family as my special group of people but it's completely different because last time I killed everyone else at this time I'm not going to kill everyone else because then they'll recognize how special I am and and how how important they are that I didn't kill them so Abram I I picked you you and your nephew that Locke fellow he seems pretty cool so I want you to go out and head out together we're all gonna get started on this nation-building process right now what's that the oh the Pharaohs got the hots for Abraham's wife we can't have that let's just give him a little disease and I tell you what we'll give the disease to his whole household - that seems kind of fair there's no sense in just punishing the guilty if I have the opportunity to drum up a Keyser söze like reputation by going after the family and people all the money so yeah yes I know Abram you lied and said that your wife was actually your sister but that guy should have known that you were lying to him and even if he didn't screw him you're my favorite people so we're gonna punish it and besides you you lied but I haven't yet explained to you that lying is wrong I know you you know the descendants of the people who ate the fruit but I need to later on I'm gonna actually tell you that lying is wrong and it's also wrong to whore out your spouse to the king I mean it's probably not a good idea so oh you and a lot of kind of separated a bit you arguing over land so we're trying to do nation-building here it's fine fine why don't you guys maybe start it either end and work towards the middle a few days you can't get along and a lot you're gonna owe your gonna settle around Sodom pretty sure that's a mistake um hey you make your own choices except for what I make them for you but so I tell you what Avram let's make a deal you're my favorite anyway you've always been my favorite and you're gonna get pretty much everything it's kinda like a last will and testament only I'm not gonna die or at least your descendants will or at least I'll promise them that they will because you're my favorite I just need you to do something for me so would you go out and get like a three-year-old cow a three-year-old goat and a three-year-old Ram and then also a pigeon and a dove you know they're the same thing you got oh you got them cool you're doing great so this is gonna seem really weird I need you to cut the animals in half no not the pigeon of the Dove just ignore them I mentioned them but we're not actually going to talk about just so the cow the goat and the RAM just cut them in half and arrange them yeah roughly like that yeah this is gonna seem weird especially since I'm talking to you right now and giving you instructions on how to slaughter these animals properly but I need you to do this in order to allow me to speak to you in a dream where I can give you more information that I can give you right now the all-powerful creator the universe must have blood to communicate more effectively this Abram guys like doing everything I say this is awesome I think I have finally picked the right horse to bet on all right so here's the deal I know that you've got a son through your slave and that's fine but I'm gonna give you a real son because stepsons aren't real and through your wife and he's gonna be the legitimate heir and then the your slave sons gonna eventually his soft spring you're gonna form another religion called Islam but it's probably not going to be that popular so I'm going to rename you Abraham and we'll rename your wife too and I'm gonna make a covenant with you and the first thing I need you to do is cut off your foreskin holy crap he's actually gonna do it yes I cut up yes cut yes mmm foreskin and then you need to instruct every one of your descendants and and all of your slaves that you buy forever for the rest of time to to cut off their foreskins too because I really like me some foreskins which is why I'm gonna love David later even though he's probably gay I don't know why I love foreskin so much that's kind of weird I'm pretty sure I invented them just so I could have them cut off I mean that's for skins for skins blood and guts and oh yeah so we're gonna rename your wife and eventually I'm gonna give you a son I know that Sarah's old but she's centuries younger than your ancestors were what what there's something going on and Sodom really all right I should have known this already but I'm gonna go down there investigate for myself because I am a good skeptic holy crap look at Sodom and Gomorrah how did things get so messed up so quickly how did an entire city become corrupt there's like nobody good down there it's smiting time I've been waiting for good it's been so long what's that Abraham here Oh Lots over there and you'd like me to save Sodom no way dude I see so 50 if I can find 50 righteous people you want me to save sorry I'll do fifty forty forty thirty can I get a 20 clean and it'll only put ten ten people if I can find ten people alright fine if there are ten good people there I won't destroy Sodom you know I just can't abide wickedness and I will destroy the old world and save eight but for your sake I'll spare the city if there's ten plus I already know there's not so its might in time so so Avery I'm guessing I get this I sent some angels down there and they met up with lot and he invited him into his home and he you won't believe this so the people from the town started banging on the door one of the angels to come out so they could have sex with them I told you this place was made bad not amazing bad amazingly bad but lot so lot actually sit offered up his daughters into the crowd to I don't think he was actually gonna do it I mean maybe who knows but he protected my boys I mean they have magical powers surely we can offer up a couple women to save my my precious angels now don't add but I I did go ahead and destroy that talent but don't worry I got lot and his family out they are all safe they were good to my angel I don't think he really would have done the daughter thing I know it's weird but oh and when I said they're all safe so Lot's wife kind of disobeyed me and looked back at the awesome destruction that I was pouring out on Sodom which freaking rocked and so I turned her into a Hindu a pillar of salt I know right a pillar of salt that's so strange and clever I know yes yes she was probably doing what almost anybody else would have done but I told her not to of course I had a good reason for her to not see the suit but because I said so that's a good enough reason for anything use the head when you're raising up your kids don't try to teach them so this is kind of funny too because after they got out lot and his daughters camped out in a cave after I destroyed their home and his daughters you know they had just been offered up to the crowd of sexual playthings and they just lost their fiance's and their mother and they were grieving there weren't so much grieving for all of that they were kind of grieving for the fact that there weren't any men around for them so they they kind of got lot drunk and then adds sex with him I know I didn't think it was possible for somebody to get so drunk that they banged both their daughters and still be able to perform but he did I mean they were only trying to carry on the family line it's all good I'm sure I'll punish their incestuous offspring later after all I'm eventually going to punish every knot not your descendants they'll be okay but eventually oh by the way side note I need you to go kill your son yeah hold my mieze actually gonna do it this is awesome psych wait I was just testing you for your sake and not mine I knew you'd do it because you're a good man and a good men should always be willing to kill their sons whenever I ask them to I mean so I've got my chosen people everything's going according to the plan where's that checklist at let's see kill everyone except for one family check allow them to multiply punish them check so confusion and device it in this check hide myself from all but a handful so that they might worship other gods check pick out one family make them promises that I won't keep in that'll screws check so alright so you know get back to work holy you guys are slaves alright I know that I'm okay with slavery but not when you enslave my people so I tell you what i'ma do I'm gonna rescue them from slavery lead them to freedom and then they will love me I don't I know why but I don't know I don't I do I don't know why I this is too confusing why don't you guys love me and listen to me this time I'm gonna save you Moses get over here I need you to speak for me yes I'm all powerful and stuff but I need you to do the talking maybe I'm shy or something first go tell the people that you're speaking for me and that I'm gonna rescue so they don't they don't believe you no I'm not gonna tell him myself the thing to be a better to be a mouth okay fine you can let your brother talking but go tell Pharaoh that I said let my people go there and trying to hit it like that let my people go see it he said no good good I tell you what I need you to do challenge his priest to a magic contest this could be awesome I'm the most powerful being in the universe so I'm going to turn your staff to a stake so just kind of stretch it out like this okay you got it you can actually let go with this hand and it'll look like a staff and then BOOM snake nominal big powers itty-bitty magic trick oh wait they can do that too what is there some who's given these guys powers to turn staffs which one you you guys have gotten a lot quiet lately thanks for the help all right well my snake will eat theirs will be done that's all good so you can't top that so now he'll let him go no hmm I'm gonna do now smiting is kind of boring plagues plagues will be awesome plagues are like a special form of smiting where I'll use mostly natural disasters so people can rationalize it away later rather than demonstrating that I am in fact the cosmic God of the universe and can do anything trust me this is gonna be awesome well I see water to blood frogs lice flies I'm really like insect I guess it'd kill the livestock boils circus that's fun hail locusts darkness that's 9 oh yeah yeah that Pharaoh guy wanted to kill off all the Israelite babies I'm gonna kill all firstborn Israelite and Egyptian cuz I'm better than you buddy alright so some of you Israelites if you actually want to save it will will kind of give you just blood just smear blood over your door and your kids to live but the rest of them are gonna die because babies are fucking nuts I love blood and foreskin and whatever now you're gonna let him go yeah okay fine everybody pack it up it's rescuing time you want some miracles you got it I'm gonna part the sea feed you manna from heaven pillar cloud by day a pillar of fire by night I'm gonna lead you to the promised land and then you will love me for sure and you will do exactly what I want you to do won't you this is hey Moses come up here on the mountain real quick I've got some rules that these people need to know and we need to do this in secret because if I told everyone then they wouldn't have to exercise any faith he's been gone 40 days and you've already decided to worship another god do you people not know that I just miracle your asses out of slavery showed you countless wonders a cow eye what the hell I have to do to you people for you people talk to you directly instead of talking to your leaders in private do I look stupid alright let's let's regroup this is this just isn't working I mean I mean this is going exactly to plan yet I'm so all right I tell you what start killing Canaanites Midianites gibeonites maca Talab Knights lacus Eglin Knights Hebrew Knights Moabites Philistines Amalekites I don't know throw somebody else in there kill them all I'll sort him out now surely I've given you permission to slaughter people and take their lands and enslave them and basically be the Dix of the ancient world you love me now right and you're willing to why isn't this working I won't you guys love me you know I need to think about this I have to take another arrest or something okay I got it I got it at this time this is really gonna work I'm sacrifice myself myself [Music] [Music] don't worry I'm not actually a reproduction without so let's show off and let him know that I know the door I don't want to make it obvious that I'm done right off the bat so let's just think of a really bright kid and I'm not just show up here [Applause] did anybody notice I lost a mic okay be healed all right I'm here time for some more magic tricks I hit my 30s and I'm gonna speak in parables so that my message is not clear I'll go ahead and let some of you write down the true meaning of those parables so that my message is clear and no that's not a contradiction so okay kill me I can take it yeah that's it I'm dead cool time for a day and a half nap that I'm sure someone will exaggerate two three I'm the one doing the sacrificing here I'm giving up part of my weekend well this body's given up part of the weekend I'm not really giving up shit but this will work though yes awesome look at Christianity grow they they love me they finally really really really love me but so not everybody's buying this there's other religions out there growing I made the ultimate sacrifice no I'm not talking about the weekend that I was dead I'm talking about lowering myself to be one of them in the first place why doesn't this ever work oh well in the end I'm gonna destroy everything and say whoever I want damn whoever I choose I mean why didn't I just start this by creating the people that I like already right up here with me to begin with and say save us awesome how is it in that what I did with the Angels and who that kind of failed to that whole Satan thing but why won't why won't you love me okay okay so here's the deal you guys write this stuff down we need to make sure it's recorded in languages that will change and die out because I can't be bothered to communicate clearly and directly and frequently I've transported masturbation up here it was fun I will be busy so write it down you can paraphrase if you want to embellish a little bit but to get the gist I'm awesome I have an awesome plan everything always goes according to my awesome plan when it appears that things weren't working well planned or weren't well planned to begin with our aren't working according to plan that's your mistake and the problems with the plan are your fucking fault if you'd have just listened to me if you hadn't eaten that fruit you'd understand that this is your fault and that there's no contradiction between the fact that everything is exactly as I planned it and that you're responsible for what went wrong because I plan for you to be responsible for what went wrong so that I could save you from my wrath why aren't you getting this don't you mock me dill honey don't you mock me again I will smite your ass I'm warning you okay he mocked me again you better not do it again I'm telling you he did it again oh I'm really gonna smite you now holy crap he's saying that none of this makes any sense did you hear him he's saying that my actions don't look anything like a perfect plan he's saying that my intelligent design doesn't look very intelligent he's trying to claim that my endorsement of slavery wasn't righteous it is it is righteous and just don't not the Jews he'd better not say one more thing or I swear to me I will smite his ex now he's asking people if they think my plan was good what why are you asking them who the hell are they to judge me I'm absolute perfection all I wanted was love you guys went and messed it up yes I made you and I didn't make you perfect but it's not my fault you're flawed he just said he doesn't think I could give him so much as a hangnail well it's coming look at that he's he's convincing people that they don't have any good reason to think I exist what's going on I'm gonna have to smite him before this gets any work he's been saying this for more than a decade what was I doing oh I better smite him before he gets too popular there's there's others saying this stuff they've been saying it the entire time there's Dillahunty guys just one of countless people echoing objections that countless others have raised human Voltaire I knew that I knew that yeah that was part of my plan where's it where's that checklist at so play a never-ending game of hide and seek check make sure that there's no good reason to believe that I exist check allow the people who doubt to have better arguments than those who don't doubt check send millions to hell for not believing check step 9380 for collect the souls of all the people who loved me because of my plan you see it's all part of my plan I planned on you becoming an atheist dill honey you're just too stupid to see it I made you too stupid to see how smart I am that was my stroke of genius I made you all too simple-minded to understand my brilliance it will allow me what did you say what the fuck did you just say you said you're more moral than me and everybody else you've ever met is more moral than me I have slaughtered billions Dilla honey there's no way you're more moral than me I'm gonna smite I'm warning I'm gonna smite your ass so hard there's just there's some smite income and you just hang on one of these days one of these days I'm gonna smite you wait well I just there's a reason I don't smite you right I know what the reason is maybe I'm not gonna I'm not gonna smite you I'm not gonna smite you man I'm gonna maybe I'll rapture everybody else and leave you behind and then I will do a powerful work in your life so that you will be my new representative that's it so no smiting for you you got lucky on that but I am gonna tell my followers to harass you and threaten some smiting on my behalf yeah tell him you'll punch him in his fat face for Jesus that's good [Applause] all right look I really wasn't mad at you man I love you I planned this all out from the beginning that's it yeah I planned all this out from the beginning and you're now doing exactly what I want I want you to give people information that contradicts my information when this is all over you'll see you will love me you will respect you respect me you will all love and respect I'm not childish I'm not a bully I'm kind killing people is necessary I am too smart I make great plans you'll see you just give it some more time it does to make sense you're all gonna love me someday don't make me smite you you've got to help me save you from my wrath help me to help you to help me to look help you love me please [Applause]

Info

Channel: Matt Dillahunty

Views: 222,236

Rating: 4.8983278 out of 5

Keywords: Matt Dillahunty (Broadcast Artist), Atheism (Religion)

Id: 7GYI0WZCquc

Channel Id: undefined

Length: 41min 39sec (2499 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 15 2015

Reddit Comments

That was excellent

👍︎︎ 2 👤︎︎ u/Anticipator1234 📅︎︎ Apr 19 2015 🗫︎ replies

Wait, they were in brisbane? I would have gone if I knew :( Where's their marketing team at?

👍︎︎ 1 👤︎︎ u/[deleted] 📅︎︎ Apr 19 2015 🗫︎ replies