Married Couples, Why Do You Sleep in SEPARATE Rooms? (r/AskReddit)

our slashes credit married couples who sleep in separate rooms why do you do this we are both 41 been married 23 years and sleep in different beds first half of our marriage we always slept in the same bed of course there was the occasional crying kid who wanted mommy to sleep with them or falling asleep on the couch or somewhere else about 10 years ago I spent a year working a midnight shift so I started sleep on a spare bed in the basement we both realized we had much better sleep separate in our own beds after I went back to a day shift we went back to sleeping in the same bed of soon realized sleeping apart was more restful over time we bought two full size beds and put them in our bedroom like the old TV shows it's been great edit so a lot of comments about intimacy yeah we have six I'd say every bit as much as we ever did in the past we've been married over half our life so we are really good at knowing when fun time is going to happen sometimes we sleep in the same bed there is no rules we have to sleep separately all the time our beds are about a foot apart and sometimes we slide them together especially when the kids were younger and they'd end up in our room along with the dog Edit - yes we got married at 18 we went to prom together and girlfriends somehow got pregnant after prom when we stopped for soda so we got married when I was very young my mother started sleeping on the couch every night I remember asking her why and she gave excuses like her back hurt and their bed and the couch was more comfy or my dad's books were always scattered across her side of the bed and she didn't want to clean them up all the time dad was an avid reader he had stacks of books as tall as the bed that were surrounding his half of the bed this went on for a couple decades mom never got a proper bed of her own just invested in high-quality couches for all living room and chose to sleep there every night then one day years after I'd grown and moved out of the house my parents announced a divorce which shocked me because I had never known any discontent between them I asked my mother what happened and she said that she fell out of love with my dad after my sister was born but she didn't want the two of us kids growing up in a broken home so they agreed to live together until we had both moved out of the house my parents were still the best of friends just not lovers so it was awkward for them to be sharing a bed together my mother now lives on the opposite side of the country from the rest of us on land she inherited from her mother she built a cabin in the woods and is now happily living on her own she has friends where she lives but claims she doesn't need a relationship anymore my fiance and I have already talked about this being our intention in our future home we'll each have a room that we organize and decorate in a way that feels creative and good for us and have our own altars and personal bookshelves and closet spaces as well as beds we love to collect art together and both appreciate design so our common spaces will be concreted but the bedrooms will feel uniquely ours so we feel like we are maintaining our sovereignty in these spaces when we have guests we all have a system for making one of the rooms available for them we love sleeping together and have a great sex life and this is going to be a strategy to keep it that way we want our sleeping together to be an active choice not something we take for granted some nights though I stay up late in a creative flow and he goes to sleep super early and wakes up before dawn for work or exercise most days so this will arrangement will work for that plus we just have a ridiculous amount of books together and have mostly integrated our libraries already 70% of our books are on mutual interests but that 30% will be nice to have in our own spaces as reminders of what makes us different and therefore so complimentary for him it's a lot of sports political analysis goal-setting and books about healthy masculinity for me it's a lot of feminist spirituality religious ethnographers old Buddhist magazines and herbalism we love who we are together and separately and want to stay connected to all of that my wife told me to sleep in the spare room when I had early shifts so I'm not waking her and the kids who sleep in the room with my 5:00 a.m. alarms that was fair then it turned into sleep in there because her back hurts then that turned into sleep in there because she had back surgery and because the kids were sleeping in the bed and there wasn't enough space there were four and six at the time both slept in our bed 100% and eighty percent of the time respectively after a year I pushed back for the first time and she acknowledged that she would rather have separate beds going forward forever been four years now she tries to push BS arguments about it being her bed a choice refusing to acknowledge that we are married and equal partners the bed has equal ownership between us basically it isn't something I'm willing to ruin our marriage over and she is so I sleep alone in the other room my sleep quality was ridiculously better when I wasn't sleeping alone I have a harder time getting to sleep waking up and have a nightmares three to five times a week she says she sleeps better because she doesn't worry I will roll over and crush someone I'm 6 feet 1 inch and weigh 175 I am not enormous and I wake up in the same place and physician every night always have I can't prove I don't move in my sleep but the evidence I see doesn't support her claims basically I do it because my wife decided unilaterally that that is what she wants I didn't realize it was happening until too late and I'm not willing to start and occupy my bed movement of the cost of our marriage I suffer alone with my vague depression in the spare room which is usually half full of storage and that hits me when we spend time cleaning it out because she feels guilty about throwing her stuff in here with me and leaving it for several months she'll acknowledge that it's not fair to me but a month later I'm dodging piles of boxes again like I'm being put in storage until she wants a kid starts being sexually available again then when she is pregnant we don't have sex for a couple years again I should probably talk to someone about this someone other than my wife because I have done that and it doesn't help this clearly bothers me and I get no say in any of it hoo-boy the Sask hit me harder than I thought it looks like I'm gone are over disclosed I originally started because it was easier on us both when I was sick wanted to stay up later and watch something etc trying to be considerate I'd sleep in my home office on the couch but this was infrequently and my wife understood why and didn't mind as our marriage changed I moved my sleeping to the office permanently for a couple reasons I had a crappy couch in there at first and sleeping on that sucked but it was better than the alternative now it is like my own Fortress of Solitude as my wife cooled on the intimate side of our marriage in the moment work side of a life grew to overshadow the rest of it I felt I was losing something in my marriage that I needed to fight to retain I tried that got into some fun free arguments and didn't change a thing thankfully I realized that I was fighting to stop the extinction of a species that was already gone before I nuked the whole marriage into glass I found that it was very hard to sleep next to her at that time and in order to keep the peace in the house keep focus on the kids the jobs the work of it all I moved upstairs to the office I read a lot of vast gnash dead bedrooms which didn't really solve anything for me I wrote down how I felt which I can't really share with anyone and I worked on hobbies and interests I told nobody I made no proclamation just to that part of me out of the equation my wife cornered me several times tried asking why and using guilts and asking me about this change but I did not let her crack my calm I just said it was what I wanted I was more comfortable there and I wanted to sleep apart moving out of my bedroom was confusing for the kids too I just told them my snore I used him before I lost some weight and the wife often woke me up to try to stop it doing this freed me to quit thinking about the questions in my head that had kept haunting me and let me recent her on things I wanted somewhere along the way we both got used to it I imagine it is like being part of a culture that I wasn't born into but I've never been an immigrant I still kept on doing everything else the same just set elsewhere still talked to everyone and still interfaced with the family how I got better at being a dad I wanted to learn how to build with wood and now I sleep in a day bed couch thing that I crafted myself I wanted to get in shape again I wasn't my army fit self from the 2000s and I got that back some of it what I didn't get was my love life back but all things pass at least I can deal with it now and not lash out and feel sorry for myself I'm glad you asked happily married 15 years and we Hari had separate rooms for five years the simple fact is that co-sleeping leads to vastly reduced sleep quality a snoring partner wriggling around and going to the toilet in the night every night and night after night gets very draining very quickly we both work full-time and have young children we tried to share a bed on holiday recently and hated it bed sharing has historically been because one has no alternative upper classes had separate rooms because they could it's very much a post-war boomers thing to insist that anything other than Cola ping is weird when we did share a bed I got very depressed due to chronic sleep deprivation I think especially as these days most women have to work sleep is more important than ever maybe the Boomers didn't have that problem each to their own but please don't judge us for enjoying our uninterrupted glorious restful sleep we get on so much better and our closer because there's no resentment from nighttime disturbance sex life is intact since I know you will want to know I like it 26 see she likes hit 19 see I'm a cuddler but every time I try to cuddle she says I'm a kettle seems to be the right word in English but it sounds weird to me P and asks me to move away because I'm too hot on top of that she keeps stealing the bedsheets so I end up freezing in the middle of the night I also snore a bit especially if I drink alcohol and she talks during her sleep so I was basically hanging at the edge of the bed on my side kept having the reflex to cuddle but had to stop myself from doing so and would repeatedly wake up in the middle of the night to steal back some bedsheets finally she goes to bed at 9:00 to 10:00 p.m. while I go at zero hundred hours to 1 a.m. so as much as I tried I would often wake her up when slipping into bed at some point we tried to have separate bedsheets mine being a lot warmer since I like it hot it was working fine but there was still the time at which we go to bed and my reflexes of always trying to cuddle with her even while sleeping then we had a kid and since they tend to cry a lot in the middle of the night we alternated nights with one of us sleeping in the bedroom next to the baby and the other one sleeping in the basement to get a full good night's sleep and be freely energized the next day to allow the one who spent the night taking care of the kid to take some time to sleep and re-energize after our kid did her nights fillet she wanted to go back to sleeping together but I brought up the idea of staying like this since I was getting way better sleep she was against the idea because it wasn't something possible in her head it would definitely lead us not loving each other anymore less 6et see etc well six years later we tried a couple times sleeping together but she's the first one to say that she prefers sleeping alone now she has a way better night that way and I completely agree pío and sex hasn't changed at the beginning of our relationship a lot of things would under sail that way because it's the way couples should do it right I convinced other preconceptions and I is a first thing to try since it seems to be the way it works for the majority of people but if we are not comfortable doing this or that the usual way why stubbornly keep trying to do it that way let's just talk about what isn't working and find solutions together so that both of us are happy in a particular situation who cares what the others think if we do things differently happiness starts with you then with us then whatever P we started out sleeping in the same bed and everything was fine fast-forward seven years is snoring which he keeps telling me he will see someone about has reached I am not exaggerating astronomical levels my Leben's partner is a consistent snore a meaning he never stops but rather his snoring just raises and lowers in pitch I have general anxiety disorder plus issues getting to sleep my sleeping pills actually do work but not when his snoring is extremely loud because he will suddenly snore so loudly it actually shocks me out of drifting off to sleep then it just agitates me until I literally want to cry because the sudden wakening brings on the start of a panic attack so for the moment he sleeps on a mattress in the Attic because it's cooler than the bedroom unde I sleep on the next floor down on a huge floor pillow with my two cats the dogs sleep in the Attic with him its son fortunate but it's actually nice reading this because I thought we were doing something wrong like it felt wrong as a married couple sleep separately but eventually my sleep and how much I got became more important because my general anxiety is worse when I'm sleep-deprived so I'm sleep-deprived anxious grumpy and for what just to sleep next to each other instead I steal moments such as sitting on his lap or curling up on the sofa together to watch a movie it certainly hasn't killed our intimacy but it has made me not want to kill him we already had our own mattresses up duvets because this is normal for us Duke but that wasn't saving me from his snoring which I truly believe our neighbors must hear too we also now have separate bathroom his is just across from the attic on the top floor mines on the third floor about five meters or so from the room I sleep in this happened because as he's gotten older he's just messy whereas I prefer my bathroom to be pristine I have far more room for my Mac hoop cosmetics plus bath items then there's the bonus that I have a small bath which he'd never use because it would be too small and he'd be uncomfortable in it so we find moments to be intimate hugging a kiss we haven't lost that but unfortunately we are just completely incompatible in regards to sleeping I do feel a lot better knowing we aren't alone in doing this my husband is large framed man not fat by any means but he played sports ball back in high school and physically fits the type whereas I'm a very petite and frankly frail person due to severe chronic illness he will regularly accidentally crush me by trying to cuddle while we are both unconscious I have literally been bedridden by this happening for multiple days I'm also a pretty bad insomniac due to my conditions and he has to wake up a bit before he remembers his manners she'd like scrolling social media on his phone playing random videos or maybe taking care of Morningwood various things that I was a light sleeper cannot ignore so when I only came to bed three hours ago but has awake now cuz he went to bed at a reasonable hour because has perfectly healthy well it became a matter of quality of sleep if the quality of the little sleep I got due to my insomnia did not improve I was simply going to get [ __ ] ER and Bachir until we despised each other and divorced I already had a craft room for my supplies so he got me a mattress and it became my room we have found it also helps when we are fighting to have our own spaces to go cool off and comfort to let our mind stop racing and think about why that situation actually upset us so we can go talk through the real issue and not shout obscenities at each other needlessly because we can't get away till we cool off he has also found that having bed to himself helps his own health he is able to fully stretch out sleeps diagonal and like a starfish which really helps his back to not sleep curled up subconsciously fearful of injuring the ears just as good for him on a regular basis sometimes I will still sleep in his bed if we especially miss cuddles but we sleep in our own beds about two-thirds of the time I believe on average depending on how bad my pain flares are doing or his back or if an Moody TC TC everyone should be able to have a place to go where they can just be by themselves surrounded by things that comfort them where they don't have to keep up the mask or be nice or constantly thinking of others where you can focus on you and what you need you cannot care for others if you yourself are a crumbling wreck I do it because the wife farts like a clearest air the toxic fumes emanating from her during the night make my nostrils burn and leave my eyes red by morning I have no idea how she gets to my eyes as they are closed during the night I can only assume it's due to some substance that infiltrates through the air and into my bloodstream thus affecting my eyes I've tried everything from air filters to shaman healers to no avail I once tried installing four ceiling fans in a bedroom of only 300 square feet but that didn't work as a stench of her backside just whipped around the room like a tornado on meth although it did dry my hair after showing a lot faster that's the main reason the secondary reason is that her body temp raises so high the frost on the window at night makes boiling noises as it evaporates laying next to her feels like sleeping in a charcoal grill sitting in the farthest reaches of Hell one time it was so bad I would have bet money that my pajamas were going to spontaneously combust that night was so bad I wore two sweet buns and forest buns to bed and looked like I was ready to go a full set with John McEnroe for these reasons we are sleeping in separate bedrooms and always will be however the dog sleeps with her that is until I hear a Yip and a dog running out of the room and into mine jumping quickly into the bed I think the dog knows that I know exactly what just happened in there since she is rubbing her snout on the blanket and snorting to clear her nose before she falls asleep next to me in peace husband stays up way later than I do would wake me up whenever he came to bed past 2 a.m. and if he did go to sleep around the time I would he would be on his phone for like an hour or more and I couldn't fall asleep next to it even with sleeping masks because I knew he was awake next to me I guess it is a psychological hang-up but I couldn't get over it I begged for compromise of 20 minutes on phone and lights out but he complained I was trying to control him and he often wouldn't feel sleepy yet to which I would say then leave and come back when you are sleepy to which he wouldn't want to do now we have a three-month-old and there is no point in us both losing sleep there the few times he has been in the room with us he apparently slept through the baby cries and I just would feel resentful looking at him sleeping peacefully while I was elected at least now I don't have to look at him in the middle of the night having a way easier time than me and by the time I am awake I'm no longer bitter about it did some research apparently women's and men's brains are wired differently women wake the easiest from a baby cry and men work easier from a car alarm or other sounds than from crying baby more like external sounds that would threaten the family unit in the home our relationship is actually better with us using separate room / beds we both suffer more when we have to share totally still love each other edit forgot to mention he snores a lot which keeps meet up and I move around a lot when I'm asleep which disrupts his sleep there are a multitude of reasons why we benefit from separate rooms I'm long since divorced from my ex now but for the better part of two decades we slept in separate rooms because she was abusive the main reason but also because she had a tendency to pass out on the couch and become completely immobile wouldn't wake up to go to the bedroom unless I used extreme measures whispering talking shaking touching shouting screaming none of those worked in escalating intensity the extreme measure would be splashing her with water which was incredibly rude and would only cause a fight so I didn't do it except in an emergency once or twice I remember many a night where I tried and tried and tried like hell to get her to come to bed I was nearly falling over with exhaustion desperate to go to sleep and I'd spend an hour or more trying to rouse her to move her to bed without success finally I'd go to bed alone and she'd be mad about it in the morning as if I hadn't tried at all as if she didn't turn into the equivalent of a [ __ ] immobile marble statue when she's onct out after lots of trouble over this issue I finally stopped trying I took the bedroom she camped out in the living room and that was that she would stay up all hours of the night watching TV and pass out right there after her other forms of abuse became worse and worse hitting me throwing things at me belittling me insulting me chasing away all my friends and family et CET CET see I eventually stopped even wanting to have sex with her and so the last quarter of our marriage was entirely without sex another reason why I had my own room and she had the rest of the apartment was because she was a hoarder a very serious one having my own room was my only way of controlling my environment and not living in a pile of her assorted garbage I was disgusted and embarrassed by the rest of the place and of course being in my room with the door closed meant I didn't have to deal with her as much it shielded me a little from her abuse I have a married couple friends who do an ex-girlfriends parents did my grandparents on both sides did and my aunt and uncle do so for me it's not an unusual thing though I do think it's weird then again there have been plenty of times I wanted to sleep in a different bed from my wife if only the space to roll over without bowing her in the head not to mention yes the dog who sneaks up on the bed and snores like he's dying I asked my friend why and he told me that it's for all the reasons already mentioned different sleep schedules different sensitivities needing some space apparently spaces the biggest reason I asked about the six and he said it was great it was like sneaking into someone else's room which I thought kind of funny that I could understand knock-knock hey you wanna muffled voice behind the door who I ever truth be told it's better than rolling over and asking the same thing I get it anyway another buddy had a girlfriend who was very not uptight correct very upmarket girl in a good way like beautiful polite educated yeah mom and dad in the family and friends would seriously approve I asked him one time what the sex was like he seemed disconnected I would have thought log I'm going somewhere with this he laughed out loud and said she was a complete freak in bed and did things he was embarrassed to talk about I pressed on he turned red laughing and said no he really couldn't after she got her freak on though he said she would ask him to sleep in the other room apparently she was a little lock and didn't like someone else in her space at all it's the best of both worlds you get to live with your love and you get to keep a large part of your autonomy I love having my own room I'm an only child and mostly lived alone during my adult life so I'm used to the compressing while surrounded by my ascetic my partner is the same he likes things in his bedroom to be how he likes it in the rest of the house our stuff could be all mixed in and there are bigger things we picked out together like the sofa and wall colors but having separate bedrooms across the hall from each other always preserves a part of our relationship from when we were dating it's fun to visit each other's rooms it's like having sleepovers I'll fall asleep in his room after a night of video games and door 6 wake up at 2:00 a.m. leave him a little note on the pillow and walk the very very short walk have no shame across the hall to my own bed my room smells nice and is neat and clean and man does it feel good to get into your own big empty bed with nice fresh sheets and not have to miss your partner because he's still under the same roof it's also fun to get ready for dates in separate rooms it still makes my stomach flip over when I open my door and see how all dressed to go and I didn't have to like help him look for his underwear for five minutes or whatever and I like that I can keep surprising him with some new outfit I put together even if it's all the same stuff in my closet I'm a neat freak and I'm super into making my bedroom a sanctuary of calm so I prefer clear surfaces lots of light calming hues fluffy pillows plants etc my partner is good about keeping things tidy but his standard for his bedroom has always been lower than mine having separate rooms keeps me from judging him for it and he will always have a place where he doesn't have to worry about accommodating anyone but himself it rolls my parents used to sleep in the same bed but decided that sleeping in separate rooms was best for them years ago my dad snores like a truck hitting the rumble strip of the highway and my mom hogs blankets also they both has night terrors yeah I used to hear high-pitched áááá áááá áááá áááá coming from upstairs and figured it was my mom due to the high pitch but no it was my dad for my personal example my ex moved in with me to get away from her alcoholic mother we had been together three to four years and were in our very early twenties I was still living with my parents they suggested she sleep in a separate room and I was fine with that however when my parents left for a week we tried sleeping in the same bed we both had the idea that sleeping in the same bed was intimate romantic special no it often just resulted in poor asleep for the both of us we were both were on sleep meds had trouble falling asleep so minor things like shifting positions all pulling blankets were a problem we gave that up in no time what is [ __ ] great though is early morning cuddling due to the sleep meds it took us a bit to wake up whichever of us woke up first would go into the other's room for some wake up snuggling it was great because she slept naked wrapped up tons of blankets by morning her skin was very warm and therefore very soothing to cuddle with if there was a device to teleport one person to another room as soon as one falls asleep and then teleports them back when they wake up it would make a lot of money not married but we sleep in different rooms for the moment it is necessary for the moment but it breaks my heart a little the bed we have is a foam mattress and it just gets too hot after a while it wasn't always this bad but now it radiates my body heat back to me after an hour also we need a new mattress and I need to lose weight for now I'm on an air mattress and it's great for me this part one think we can fix one day the bedroom is gross her dogs pee on the carpet frequently and it smells like it or it just generally smells like dirty dogs smell if I'm not there they sleep in the bed with her and sometimes it's very gross if I even want to visit when things are a little more cleaned up and I'm visiting or before when I slept there they are also very distracting at night they lick their paws for an hour or so and one of them frequently gets up to fluff a bed for a long period of time there is also potential snoring and other sounds if they are even on the bed before I get there they have sometimes licked so much that there is now a wet spot where I sleep it's very frustrating she doesn't seem frustrated by any of it she has some digestive issue which this part be a little bit in her mind but she has to sleep propped up a bit and when she goes to bed it's because she is exhausted and has probably already stayed up too late together this means the bed is not a place for much cuddling or just general closeness we used to have a and although I miss him greatly he was also often in the way so with this there is really no togetherness in the bed it makes me sad thank you so much for watching the whole video please leave a like and subscribe

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Id: 6-_y0nuv3Ck

Length: 31min 15sec (1875 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 31 2019