Wiz: Their rivalry is legendary. Their fame unmatched. This battle has gone on for nearly three decades but today it finally comes to an end. Boomstick: Mario, Nintendo's whimsical Italian turtle crusher. Wiz: And Sonic the Hedgehog, Sega specialist of speed. Boomstick: Time to find out if Sega really does what Nintendon't. Wiz: For this bout we'll be using the same rules that fellas had for the past three years. Most importantly the original video games will be our primary source for analysis. Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick. Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win... a DEATH BATTLE! Wiz: Plumber. Carpenter. Doctor. Mario has wore many hats throughout his life. But he always does so as a hero. Boomstick: Except for that time he tortured an animal but no one really talks 'bout that. Wiz: Born as one of the seven Star Children possessing an extraordinary amount of power-- Boomstick: And extra horrible crying fits. Wiz: --Mario was assuredly destined for greatness. Boomstick: Then him and his little bro Luigi wound up in New Donk City, where he spent his days throwin' shit at monkeys and uh... fixin' toilets. Not exactly the great heroic destiny I was expecting, but hey... At least his girlfriend was smokin'! Wiz: But everything changed after a chance meeting with Princess Peach Toadstool. Her Mushroom Kingdom had been conquered by Bowser, the tryannical King of the Koopas. And her only hope of rescue lay in the hands of the Mario Bros. Boomstick: And Mario had all the power he needed to take the turtle terror down. He's super tough, super quick and really... ...really strong. He can jump several times his own height, smash tanks to bits with his butt, and toss Bowser around as if he's featherweight! Mario: So long-a Bowser! Wiz: Needless to say... The Mushroom Kingdom was in good hands. Boomstick: So was the princess. She even gave Mario a piece of her cake. Heh heh if y'know what I'm sayin'. Get in there buddy. You deserve all the-- Oh come on it's an actual cake?! That's good too I guess. Wiz: And if his strength doesn't cut it, Mario has plenty of extra weapons and powers on hand. Boomstick: He can already shatter brick with his bare fists. But when he needs the power to break down the toughest walls, he busts out the Ultra Hammer. Sounds like a wrestlin' move Lou Albano would've used back in the day. Rest in peace Cap'n. Wiz: Forged by two master blacksmiths, the Ultra Hammer, combined with Mario's mighty swing, can break through practically any material. Boomstick: And he's got a ton of awesome power-ups, like that spicy Fire Flower. Wiz: Actually, while Mario USED to need this flower, he has since learned how to use pyrokinesis without it. Boomstick: Well, the Ice Flower lets him freeze enemies, the Lucky Bell turns him into a kitty cat, and the Super Mushroom gives him a power boost and increases his size. Heh. I bet the princess likes that one~. Wiz: With his Frog Suit, his swimming ability increases dramatically. With the Double Cherry, he can create clones of himself with no power decrease. With the Stop Watch, he can freeze time. With the Cape Feather or the Wing Cap, he can soar to new heights. And with the Starman or Rainbow Star he becomes totally invincible... for a short time. Boomstick: And with the Gold Flower he never has to work another day in his life, 'Cause he's got a infinite supply of money... made of people! Wiz: While he can carry several power-ups at once, Mario doesn't always needed them to prove his potential. Boomstick: He's quick enough to maneuver when transformed into a bolt of lightning, and skilled enough to pilot the Star Diver as it rockets through the atmosphere. He's so frickin manly he took an explosion to the face that wrecked an entire castle. And even better... he was standing in the middle of this. Wiz: Based on a standard tennis court's measurements, we can determine the blast of this fireball covered a radius of over 2,000 feet. To reach this distance, the blast must've had an explosive field of over 2.4 megatons. Boomstick: So what you’re sayin' is Mario could totally play tennis with a nuclear warhead for a ball and be totally fine? Wiz: Probably. Also he can throw a baseball so fast, it overloaded this speed gun, implying it was launched over 999 miles per hour. In the Mario World cartoon, he hurled a dinosaur out of orbit. Assuming this creature is of similar size and weight to a Tyrannosaurus Rex, this feat would require a force of over 135 tons of TNT. Boomstick: Wait Wiz! I thought you said we're only usin' the games. Wiz: Any official material counts so long as it's supported by the games. Otherwise we'd be ignoring a huge majority of the character's history. Take a look at this Chain Chomp. It's actually made up of solid gold. Gold is ridiculously heavy. While one cubic foot of iron weighs 194 pounds, a cubic foot of gold is over 1200 pounds. Luckily, a Chain Chomp is a perfect sphere so we can compare it to Mario's height to find that it weighs nearly 6000 tons. Boomstick: Wait, did he just leave it in that hole? Cash it in, Mario! That thing's worth 366 billion dollars! Wiz: That's.... actually correct. Boomstick: Well yeah, that guy on TV who always wants my gold told me. Wiz: This isn't even Mario's impressive feat. At one point, he lifted an entire fortress and punted it through the air. Boomstick: He does the same thing in the manga and it's pretty on par with the strength he's shown against Bowser, who survived collapsin' castles multiple times. Wiz: Since this presentation makes the castle's size difficult to determine, we measured the entire interior based of maps from the game. By scaling these measurements to the castle's smaller avatar, and conservatively assuming a limestone composition, we've determined the castle must weigh more then 61 million tons. Boomstick: And he just kicked it away like it was a frggin' soccer ball. Wiz: Given the distance it was kicked, Mario must have exerted a force of around three and a half megatons of TNT. Do you realize what this means? Mario's FOOT is 231 times more powerful than the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima. Boomstick: Now seems like a good time for a beer. ...or twelve. Wiz: Honestly, Mario's absurd strength shouldn't be as surprising as you think. While he's fairly naive and not much of a strategist, he saved the Mushroom Kingdom from Bowser's clawed grip time and time again, and the Koopa King is tough enough to survive a dip in the sun, or even a black hole. Boomstick: Don't underestimate Nintendo's powerful plumber! Mario: Here we go! Wiz: Somewhere out there on a strange alternate version of Earth, humans coexist with anthropomorphic animals. But this world has been assailed over and over by the vile Dr. Ivo Robotnik, otherwise known as Eggman. Boomstick: Why the heck does he need such a dumb alias when he's already got a name sound as cool-sounding as Robotnik?? Wiz: But hope persisted... Whenever the Eggman hatched a scheme, one did not have to wait long for a certain blue streak to speed by... This was Sonic the Hedgehog. Boomstick: ♪He's the fastest thing aliiiive!♫ ♪He's the fastest thing aliiiiiiiiiiive!♫ Wiz: While Sonic has a superhuman physique overall, speed is his speciality. In fact, superhuman speed is a natural trait for the anthropomorphic hedgehog, though Sonic's abilities are far superior to his kin. Boomstick: Wait a minute, all hedgehogs have super speed!? That doesn't make any sense. Wiz: Well, real hedgehogs are also nocturnal, not blue, and when they try to make friends with foxes... They get eaten. So I don't think SEGA cares. Boomstick: All right then... To stop Eggman from turning all his animal pals into batteries, Sonic cranked up that speed, and weaponized it. He can crush his enemies with the Spin Attack, strike multiple times with the Homing Attack, go zero to sonic boom instantly with the Super Peel-Out, and plow through hordes of badniks with the Spin Dash. Holy crap! You'd think this guy would just, like, vomit all the time. Wiz: He's also used a number of power-ups throughout his adventures, including elemental shields. The Aqua Shield is especially useful as it grants him an incredibly high bouncing jump and protection against his greatest nemesis. Boomstick: Robotnik? Wiz: No. (Cues: Sonic the Hedgehog - Drowning)
Water. Boomstick: Seriously, Sonic, buddy, learn to swim already and save our ears from that nightmare music. Wiz: The blue hedgehog can also gain abilities from small alien beings called Wisps. Boomstick: They can turn him into a fireball, a Yellow Drill, a black hole... a bunch of stuff really. Even a demonic Hungry Hungry Hippo! Wiz: But before we delve any further, there is something vital which we need to discuss. It's time to figure out Sonic's speed. Boomstick: Oh boy, here we go! Wiz: While he has boasted that he is faster than light, Sonic has yet to prove this in canon without the aid of additional equipment or power-ups. Boomstick: Oh, yeah, like when he connects to a trail of rings, but you can't take his braggin' too seriously. He's still got some of that radical 90s attitude. Sonic: I'm outta here! Wiz: The highest official description of Sonic's speed labels him as hypersonic, or somewhere between Mach 5 and Mach 10. This actually isn't too far-fetched; the game Sonic Unleashed records his speed, and he can reach a maximum around 3,500... Uh... SPD. Boomstick: ♪Sonic he's got an STD♫ ♪Sonic, it burns when he pees!♫ Wiz: Assuming SPD translates to metric meters, given the game's Japanese development, that puts Sonic's top speed over 7,872 miles per hour, over ten times the speed of sound and just over the official hypersonic description. Boomstick: So is that it? Wiz: Well, it's possible-- no, likely that he's faster. In TV shows closely tied to the games, Sonic has dodged meteors, did this with the 10,000 frame per second camera, and even outran lightning, all of which implies that he can move and react around 200 to 300 times the speed of sound. How about that one time he caught up to a Cyan Wisp? He said that thing's almost as fast as him even without its laser mode. Wiz: That's right. The Laser is a power it grants Sonic, not itself. Still, Wisps are incredibly fast. At one point a group of them flew from Earth's surface to a black hole in orbit in the 20 seconds Sonic and Tails were talking. By measuring the planet's curve here we can find the Wisp aliens must have been moving around Mach 200. As Sonic is faster than them, this supports his cartoon feats. Boomstick: Why isn't that black hole suckin' up the earth? That's what they do right? Wiz: It's more like a pseudo-black hole fueled by Hyper-go-on energy. Boomstick: Yeah... if I didn't know better, I'd swear he just made those words up. Wiz: Its presence near Sonic does emulate that of a singularity, and Sonic actually outran its pull for 30 seconds. Due to chaotic accretion, black holes pull non orbiting mass inward at 30% the speed of light. Sonic's clearly pushing his running speed to its limit here, or else the black hole wouldn't have pulled him in. With this in mind It's entirely possible that without additional support, Sonic's maximum possible running speed must be around 200 million miles per hour. Boomstick: That's insane. The fastest man-made object in real life was the new Horizon's space probe, which took off at more than 36,000 miles per hour. Wiz: It took nine years for this probe to reach Pluto, but with Sonic's speed, he could make this same trip to Pluto in less than 24 hours. While we're trackin' speed I've always wondered how fast I can chug a beer. Start the clock Wiz! Wiz: Are you gonna start? Boomstick: I'm already done. Wiz: (groans) Moving on... Even with this unbelievable speed, Sonic has far more power hidden up his sleeves. Boomstick: He doesn't wear a shirt... He can achieve the form of Super Sonic by absorbing an enormous amount of positive energy from the seven legendary Chaos Emeralds. In this mode he can teleport large objects, survive planet level explosions, launch energy attacks and fly near the speed of light. Boomstick: But guess what? This isn't even his final form. Wiz: After the emeralds received a boost from the Master Emerald, Sonic could achieve his ultimate state of being: Hyper Sonic. Boomstick: He's got all the abilities of Super Sonic plus total invincibility and a Hyper Flash that instakills everything around him. Oh and he's definitely faster than light now. Wiz: Unfortunately, good things don't last forever. Without a steady supply of rings, these super forms can't even stick around for a full minute. Boomstick: Sonic has resisted mind control from the Overmind, survived re-entry from orbit, and blasted apart a mountain. This would need more than 200 tons of TNT to pull off. And while fighting his evil robocopy Metal Sonic they shattered this enormous stalactite. Holy shit just look at the size of it!! By comparing it to the buildings in this city and applying the density of granite, the most common rock in continental crust, we found that this stalactite must weigh almost 47 million tons. Which means a break like this would need a force of almost 200 kilotons of TNT. Boomstick: Damn! He's definitely got what it takes to save the world from a madman scientist, even if he is... ...kind of a dick. Wiz: Well, Sonic may be a bit arrogant and he's certainly a thrill-seeker, but at his best, he's the definition of honest and heroic. He's used his powers to defeat Eggman time and time again, even against gigantic death machines and cataclysmic events. Boomstick: Those cute and cuddly forest critters can rest easy when Sonic's gotta go fast. Infinite: I'll show you how outclassed you really are. Sonic: I'm in a class all my own! Time to put-up or shut up, Infinite! Wiz: Alright the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all. Boomstick: But first all this talk of Eggman got me hungry for Blue Apron. Wiz: By now, you've probably heard of Blue Apron the leading meal kit delivery service in the US. Boomstick: But did you know about all the different kinds of delicious foods you could make? Like the Honey chipotle glazed chicken with poblano and lime rice. Wiz: There's plenty to choose from since they offer 12 new recipes each week. All you have to do is choose the two three or four that sound best to you and they deliver it right to your door. Boomstick: Plus, it's super simple to cook. It's got easy to follow instructions and perfectly proportioned ingredients. They're non-gmo and the meat has no added hormones. My favorite part is feeling like a master chef makin' creative and delicious meals with my own hands. You guys really need to try it out. Wiz: It's pretty nice coming home knowing I'll have a delicious meal I can whip up with these. Boomstick: So check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at Blueapron.com/Battle. That's Blueapron.com/Battle to get your first three meals free. But right now, IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mario: Hmm? Hello? That's-a-mine! Sonic: Finders keepers, pal! Whoa! You asked for it, tubby! Announcer: FIGHT Sonic: You're too slow! Mario: (screaming) Sonic: Come here! Oh, gimme a break! Hyper Sonic: Now I'll show you! Rainbow Mario: Let's-a-Go! Sonic: Oh shoot. Mario: Oh, Mama Mia! (screaming) So long-a hedgehog! Sonic: (screaming) Mario: Wahoo! I'm the winner! Announcer: KO Boomstick: Whoa-ho ho! How did that happen? I know Nintendo won the console wars but I really seem to remember Sonic havin' this one in the bag. Wiz: I'm sure Sonic could have won in specific circumstances, but more times than not Mario takes the victory. Keep in mind this analysis was done with a focus on the games in their closely tied media, excluding alternate contrary sources like the Archie Comics or the Mario Bros. movie, where Mario and Sonic are essentially entirely different characters from their gaming counterparts. Boomstick: Sonic had speed in the bag (obviously), but Mario was way too tough for him. Wiz: Their top strength feats paint this picture very, VERY clearly. Boomstick: But I know what you're thinkin': "What good is Mario's strength if he couldn't even hit the Blue Blur? He's way too fast, right?" Wiz: Yes, and no. While Mario obviously couldn't match Sonic's relativistic top running speeds, he's moved efficiently as a bolt of electricity, and piloted the Star Diver. Based on our calculations this puts him at the same level as Sonic's own reactionary feats. Since Mario was tough enough to tank almost anything Sonic could throw at him, it was only a matter of time before he tagged the Blue Blur with a deadly blow. Boomstick: But what about Chaos Control? Couldn't Sonic just stop time and take care of things whi- Wiz: It's heavily implied he knows how to but Sonic has never actually used the Time Stop ability in canon. Even then, Mario's Stop Watch does the same thing, putting them on equal footing. Boomstick: Ugh don't do that! Where's my wallet? Wiz: Actually, most of Mario and Sonic power ups countered each other in this way; Mario even had plenty of options for defending against Sonic's invincible super forms. But Mario also had a much wider variety of power-ups, offering multiple ways to overpower Sonic. For example, he could have frozen Sonic solid. Boomstick: (screams) Wiz: Or even turned him into gold. His arsenal would always outlast Sonic's because he's been shown to carry more of them on his person. Boomstick: O-oh god! Ugh- I've seen things! Wiz: But even then, Mario's durability blew Sonic's out of the water. Even if we assume the 200 kiloton stalactite feat was entirely Sonic's doing, Mario survived an explosion that was 12 times more powerful. Simply put, Sonic didn't have a lot of viable options that could take Mario down for good. Boomstick: I always knew Sonic was impressive, but Mario is just ridiculous. Probably that moustache. Wiz: Sonic was obviously incredibly fast, but he couldn't compete with Mario's superior strength, durability and varied arsenal. Boomstick: He got Mari-owned! Wiz: (groans) After a hundred episodes you still can't think of a good pun? Boomstick: No, but now they can see me do this. Aah! Check it out, Wiz! Wiz: The winner is Mario. Ben: Thanks for watching our 100th DEATH BATTLE episode and props to Blind Ferret for that phenomenal battle animation. Chad: To celebrate a hundred episodes we have a limited edition poster. Which you can pick up likely in that box right over there.
