Making the Hard Changes in Me | May 15, 2022 | Rick Warren

now if you pull out your message notes in this series resetting my life we're looking at the biblical principles for personal change and these are the principles that you need to know to change any area of your life for the better you may need to change your connection to god you may need to change your health you may need to change your body your relationships your habits you may want to change your energy level you might want to change your your job your career your work you might want to change a reset in your marriage you might want to reset in your priorities in your parenting uh or change transformation in your schedule or your self-confidence or you know just on and on you're resetting your finances regardless of where you would like to see a major change in your life today i want us to look at making the hard changes in me making the hard changes in me what i'm talking about this weekend are the areas of your life and your personality that seem to resist all efforts to change you know what i'm talking about the stuff in you you don't like about you but it's stubborn they're persistent problems in your life you haven't had these for a few weeks you've had them for years and the parts of your life that you really don't like about you but they rebel and they resist at any time you try to to change them correct them reset them in your life i i want us to consider two very important questions first why is it so hard to change some stubborn areas in my life that i don't like about me habits patterns ways of relating to people habitual weaknesses in my life why is it so difficult to change those problem spots and number two what does god say it takes to change them so we're going to look at why it's difficult to change some defects in our lives and we all have them and then we're going to look at how first let me give you four reasons why it's difficult to change some of those stubborn patterns habits and defects in your life that you don't like number one because i've had them so long i've had them for a long time you see you didn't get the way you are overnight it took years to get messed up in many areas and many of your patterns actually were established way way back in childhood and those patterns uh helped you cope with trauma and stress in your early years when you didn't know how to fight back some of your self-defeating patterns were actually survival tactics as a little kid now today you may realize those don't work they were self-defeating they only make the problem worse those habits and patterns but you still have them in your life why because they're familiar they're like old friends and you know that they're not good for you you know they don't work you know those habits and patterns cause problems and conflict but you're used to them okay you're used to so some things are hard to change because i've had those problems for a long time second reason some things are hard to change in my life because i identify with them write that down i identify with them and the fact is we often confuse our identity with our defects all the time we'll say like i i am a workaholic or i am passive or i am aggressive or i'm timid or i'm an overeater or i'm lazy or i'm whatever but those things those defects they are not your true identity they're not your true identity uh they are hiding your true identity now when you see yourself in certain ways what happens is you set up a self-fulfilling prophecy you say i'm always nervous on planes well guess what's going to happen you're going to be nervous on planes and unconsciously sometimes we fear if i change will i still be me because i've been this old me for so long will i still be me or will i be something different so some things are hard to change because we've had them a long time they're old habits some things are hard to change because we identify with them even when we know they're self-defeating number three sometimes things are hard to change because they have a payoff they have a payoff now anytime you do something over and over and over and over in your life whether it's good or bad helpful or unhelpful healthy or unhealthy there's payoff behind it some way an emotional payoff a relational payoff some you get rewarded for that defect you get rewarded for that bad habit in some way and listen whatever gets rewarded gets repeated that's true in parenting it's true in the workspace it's true in a marriage whatever gets rewarded gets repeated listen we don't continue to do things that aren't rewarded so even if i'm doing something unhealthy unhelpful or even self-destructive there's some kind of payoff in some way and i better figure out what it is because until i know what the payoff is i don't know how to fight that negative behavior anytime any negative behavior is being repeated by yourself or by your spouse or by your boyfriend a girlfriend by your parents or by kids or by somebody at work there's always a payoff even if it's only temporary here's the fourth reason because satan discourages me you're not in this battle by yourself he wants to keep you stuck in a rut he wants to keep you down he wants to keep you from becoming the woman god made you to be or the man god made you to be and one of the things he does is he uses self-doubt criticism accusations did you know satan is accusing you constantly with ideas the bible calls satan the accuser in fact that's what his name means okay he's the adversary and he's constantly suggesting negative thoughts like uh you're never gonna change are you kidding me how many diets have you been on this is hopeless you're never going to change your marriage you're never going to change your relationship to that child to that neighbor whatever it's hopeless it's not going to work you may as well just assume give up where do you think all that came from it didn't come from god it came from satan and sometimes you s secretly fear these are all reasons why we have a hard time changing the hard parts in us sometimes you fear if i rock the boat something bad is going to happen uh my my husband or my wife may leave me uh people will walk out of my life uh and maybe at school nobody will like me anymore so these are all things that we have to deal with that keep us holding on to stuff that isn't helpful at all in our lives so what does it take to change well i introduced this topic last week when we talked about how all change starts with choosing what you're going to think about it all change starts with choosing and it starts uh in your mind every change starts between your ears before it changes your emotions behind behavior starts in your mind now if you missed the first two weeks of this series you've missed the foundation so really go back online and watch the first two sessions but here's what the bible says notice uh there on your outline the bible says in ephesians chapter 4 verses 27 and 20 21 to 27 says this since you have heard all about jesus and you've learned the truth that is in him throw off all your old evil nature and your formal way of life which is rotten through and through and full of lust and deception and instead there must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts we talked about that a little bit last week spiritual renewal of your thoughts you must put on your new nature because you're a new person this is a resetting of your life created in god's likeness righteous holy and true so put away all falsehood that's the lies that you tell yourself put away all falsehood and tell your neighbor the truth because we belong to each other don't let the sun go down while you're still angry for anger gives a mighty foothold to the devil now in the rest of this message i want to show you very quickly four biblical principles that you have to follow if you're going to be serious about making changes in your life any big changes or more important any lasting changes you can change anything for a week or a day but i'm talking about changing it for the rest of your life requires four things for lasting personal change all right you might write these down this is what god's word says first change requires learning and facing the truth learning and facing the truth change always starts with truth you can't have positive change on negative ideas and on lies and and mistruths change always starts with truth but there are two important parts of it learning the truth and then uh facing the truth there are two different things now let's let me show you a bunch of verses here's one proverbs chapter 23 verse 23 learn the truth and never reject it that's the two things you got to learn it and you got to face it what's the opposite of rejecting facing it's accepting it's admitting it's acknowledging you you learn the truth but then you also accept the truth you act on the truth you acknowledge the truth so a lot of times we know the truth we don't know anything about it a lot of times we know the truth and we reject it the secret to personal change listen is not willpower willpower works for a while but it wouldn't work for the rest of your life it's not about pills that you take to change it's not about resolutions it's not about a gimmick it's knowing and facing the truth about you about god about life about problems about your family about your past about growing up jesus said when you know the truth you know this the truth will set you free so here's the first problem because if the first step to to uh permanent lasting change is to learn the truth about me and then accept and acknowledge and face the fact about me is this we often don't want to do that we don't want to learn and face the truth why because the truth is often uncomfortable some smart alex said the truth will set you free but first it makes you miserable it's true it's true it's often painful to face the truth about me and and we would rather stay deluded we'd rather stay in our little happy but mythical it's a fairy tale land that everything is copacetic everything's great in my life you know it's not great in your life but we live in denial and we're not facing the truth isaiah chapter 30 says this verse 10 people say this is thousands of years ago they were doing this they're living in denial people say to god's messenger now who's a messenger a teacher a preacher or prophet whatever people say to god's messenger don't tell us the truth just say things that will make us feel good and things we want to hear this is tickling the ears let us let us keep our illusions let me say to all you kids pause your mom is often god's messenger to you and you need to listen to her and even when she says something that you don't particularly want to hear it's not particularly pleasant tell me something i want to hear mom uh not what i don't want to hear when it when you don't particularly want to hear it's still the truth whether you want to hear it or not so you need to listen to your moms and your dads by the way because they are often god's messenger to you but i know all the parents sitting back go you tell them rick get them tell them right now just as quickly i need to say to you moms and you dads sometimes your child is god's messenger to you out of the mouth of babes and sometimes god wants to say something to you through that little voice or even that teenage voice sometimes god wants to speak it works both ways guys it works both ways god can use anybody in your life to be a messenger they may not even be a christian they may not even know god god can still suggest words in their mouth and they're the right thing now anytime we don't want to hear something well it's human nature to just come up with some kind of uh you know mental barrier or excuse to procrastinate because even when we learn the truth doesn't mean we're going to face it uh and so we we come up with excuses or questions to procrastinate this is very common john chapter 3 verse 11. i love this in the message paraphrase jesus says this i'm telling you the truth yet instead of facing the evidence and accepting it you procrastinate with questions uh oh have you ever used this tactic oh yeah every husband's used it every wife has used it every kid has used it every parents use it uh i'm sure you we all have we use questions to divert facing the truth somebody says something that's painfully true and we we think of a question to deflect divert the attention okay so he said don't do that god says don't do that don't procrastinate with questions jesus points this out now he says you need to listen to the truth so then the question becomes what is the truth what is the truth about you and what's the truth about me all right here it is big surprise we're all broken we're all imperfect we all have defects we all have flaws we all make mistakes we all sin we all are imperfect the bible says there's not a just man on the earth who always does the good thing and never does what's wrong we all have this in our lives and and and we we see it in ourselves no we see it in other people we want to deny it in ourselves now the bible says this in first john chapter 1 verse 8 when we claim we have it sinned okay mwah when we claim we haven't sinned we're only fooling ourselves and refusing to circle this accept the truth this is the first part of change i have to admit i got a problem and the problem is me it's in me i can't blame anybody else this is a bad pattern it's a bad habit it's a bad attitude it's a bad response and and we we're fooling ourselves refusing to accept the truth now if you don't get anything else i say this weekend get this in your life behind every self-defeating defect it makes it difficult for you to get along with others or whatever it is behind every self-defeating defect in your life is a lie you're believing write this down behind every self-defeating defect is a lie i'm believing it's a lie that's why it's self-defeating because it's based on a lie i'm believing a lie about happiness and what brings happiness i'm believing a lie about god and what he's really like i'm believing a lie about myself i'm believing a lie about my past i'm believing a lie about other people about my life i'm believing a lie about what is real success i'm believing a lie about what's going on in my life right now what's going to go on my life in the future my past my my failures i'm believing a lie about that this is why the first requirement for personal change to reset your life is to learn the truth and face the truth about myself now you may not realize it but learning to face the truth about yourself is the most loving thing you can do for yourself it's not only the most loving thing you can do for yourself it's the most loving thing you can do for others learning to face the truth about yourself is the most loving thing you can do for god you say where do you get that ephesians 4 15 the bible says this love should always make us tell the truth then if we if if our truth telling to ourselves to others is based on love he says then we will grow circle that we will grow you want to grow you want to change you want a new life you want to reset you want to reborn you want to fresh start in some area of your life and you're going to need fresh starts in lots of areas of your life many times in life then we will grow in every way and be more like christ when well the first part of the verse love should always make us tell the truth it's love if you love yourself if you love god if you love other people you need to face the truth about you so then the question becomes where is the best source for finding truth where do i find the best truth about me i highly recommend you consult the owner's manual about you the only way you can know for instance your purpose in life is either talk to the creator who made you he knows your purpose or read the owner's manual it'll tell you your purpose the only way you can know how to overcome the defects that are in you that created by circumstances by genes by parents by bad responses by your choices the only way is to find out the truth about me is in god's word john 17 17 jesus says this sanctify them by the truth what does sanctify me it just means to grow up to be made like christ to be made to be different to get a reset that you're not the same old same old you're sanctified you're different sanctify them by the truth and then the second part says what's truth your word is truth so when it comes to personal change a reset of your life the bible is the manual for resetting your life and it's going to help you in four very practical ways look at this next verse it explains the four ways the bible helps you reset your life when you go i don't like the way i'm living right now it's not working for me second timothy chapter 3 verse 16 and 17 says this all scripture that's the old testament the new testament the whole bible all scripture is inspired by god and is useful to teach us what is true circle the word true to make us realize what's wrong in our lives it points out what's out of whack it straightens us out it doesn't just point out what's wrong it shows us how to get back on the path and it teaches us to do what is right how to stay on the path so the bible does four things it shows us the path to walk on okay it shows us where we got off the path it shows us how to get back on the path and it shows us how to stay on the path okay it is god's way of preparing us the bible says for in every way fully equipped for every good thing god wants us to do now i could just spend the rest of the message on this but let me just say this this is why a daily quiet time of bible reading and prayer is important if you're going to have change you've got to face the truth and where is the truth it's in god's word if you're not in god's word you're certainly not learning and facing the truth on a daily basis it is a mirror that will reflect both the good and the and the bad and the parts that need changing in you that's the first step change lasting change requires knowing learning the truth and then actually facing it be willing to yeah that's right you're right god okay number two here's the second key principle that we're going to use in this whole series lasting change requires new thinking lasting change requires new thinking and the battle for change friends brothers and sisters is won or lost in your mind ephesians 4 23 there must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes thoughts circle that spiritual renewal where does it take place in my thoughts and in my attitudes where is that that's all in your mind now philippians 2 verse 5 says this let the same mind and attitude be in you which was in christ jesus circled mind and attitude now again what you think is a choice choosing is the beginning of changing and when you begin to put on the mind of christ and you begin to think like he does then you will start to see your defects in a very different light some of you that just went over your head so let me say it again when you change the way you think and you begin to think god's thoughts the way christ sees you the way god sees you when you begin to put on the mind of christ and think like he does your defects you'll begin to see them in a totally different light now we're going to look at this in detail in a future message but let me just point out one little thing this is a teaser are you listening defects are often strengths being misused the irritating things about you that other people are bugged by it's often a strength being misused for instance if god has given you the strength of discernment you're going to be tempted to misuse it and be judgmental about everything it's a strength being misused if god has given you the strength of being detail-oriented you see that you notice little details that can be fixed if you if you don't use it correctly you become picky and unpleasable and high controlling and finicky nobody wants to live with that if you god has given you the strength of seeing the big picture not the little detail the big picture if you don't use it correctly you're going to be tempted to overlook people and you'll you'll march right over them you'll walk right over them you won't pay attention to their feelings you ignore it because you're looking at the big picture you can't see how all the people around you are feeling about it if god has given you the strength of being amiable you can pretty much get along with anybody and that's a strength but misused you're going to let people run over you people that you should not let run over you now one other thing i want you to write this down okay everybody taking notes write this down my defects are often attempts to meet my unmet needs my defects are often attempts bad attempts but their attempts my defects are often attempts to meet my unmet needs you don't act the way you do out of no motivation you have needs now the needs are legitimate you're just attempting to get the met in the wrong way everybody has a need for respect everybody has a need uh to be respected but if you don't get respect as i said you'll go out and just try to get attention instead everybody has a need to be loved but if that need isn't met you'll throw yourself at people in a wrong way everybody has a need to be valued but if if you don't feel that need to be met you're going to talk too much everybody has a need to feel secure everybody does but if uh you don't let god meet that need you're going to try to control everything a need is often an un i mean a a defect is often an unmet need being attempted to you know be satisfied in the wrong way okay let's look at the third principle number three lasting change requires write this down community and coaching last the bible has a ton to say about this lasting change requires community and coaching we're not going to get well on our own you're not going to get healthy by yourself we're better together there's some things you're never going to be able to change in your life on your own you need support you need a small group now it's a small group it's small not 25 people in it you can't be intimate you can't be honest with 25 people but a small group of four six eight at the most maybe 10 people small group that you can be gut level authentic with you don't need to be gut level authentic with everybody you don't need to tell everybody what what you're working on but you do need to tell somebody ephesians 4 says this put away all falsehood means be honest and tell your neighbor that doesn't necessarily mean your next door neighbor it just means your friend your brother your sister in christ somebody you're close to tell your neighbor the truth because we belong to each other you don't belong to your neighborhood you do belong to the church of god now circle the word belong we belong to each other you can't become without belonging you can't become what god wants you to be without belonging to his family and being in a small group where you belong now listen very closely if you're serious about changing and growing and resetting your life you're going to have to face your fear about being gut level honest with just a couple people you don't need everybody to know the stuff you're working on but you do when the moment you tell one person you get instant power you have never had in any other way you get instant relief all of a sudden you open the closet and the boogeyman is not as big as you thought he was proverbs 28 13 says this you will never succeed in life if you try to hide your sins and defects faults mistakes patterns stuff that everybody else sees but we're pretending like you're pretending like you don't see you'll never succeed in life you try to hide your sins confess them give them up then god will show mercy to you you know we waste enormous amount of time and energy trying to cover up stuff that everybody sees anyway you think other people don't see your faults you think other people don't see your defects your flaws your mistakes your personality quirks everybody sees them we're just pretending okay our biggest hurdle to holiness is our desire to look good our biggest desire our biggest uh barrier to holiness is the desire to look good but when you're in a small group of people who are going to love you unconditionally it's a small group of friends and we've got over 7 000 of them here in the saddleback church you can get a small group you don't have to look good galatians 6 2 by helping each other with your problems you truly obey the law of christ the 58 one and others in the new testament we love one another help one another serve one another pray for one another encourage one another listen to one another bear one another's burdens 58 commands in the bible say we're we're to do this with each other we only grow through community and there's some things in your life are never going to change as long as you just try to change them by yourself now lasting change uh in your life not only requires community and i'm not saying a big crowd it's a small group a trusted group of people who love you unconditionally not only requires community and the best place to get that is at church but it also requires coaching follow me on this we always grow faster with a tutor or a trainer or a coach okay uh or or uh some kind even superstars need coaches every single olympic athlete still has coach every pro baseball football nba basketball player they've got a coach and the higher up they are the more they have personal coaches in all kinds of areas what will the coach do a coach will help you maximize your strength and minimize your weaknesses when you go through the bible you see this principle everywhere joshua had his coach his name was moses elisha had a coach his name was elijah solomon had a coach his name was david and david had a coach his name was samuel the 12 were coached by jesus john coached a guy named funny name polycarp polycarp coached a guy then the next generation named irenaeus he had multiple generations of great christian leaders timothy was coached by paul i could give you all kinds of examples how you need a coach in your life every paul needs a timothy and every timothy needs paul now god has given five kinds of group coaches to the church and they're in this next verse it's ephesians chapter 4. christ gifted some of us to be apostles and prophets and evangelists and pastors and teachers so that his people his people would learn so that his people would learn to serve and his body would grow strong and this will continue until we're united in our faith and understanding of the son of god and then we'll be mature just as christ is and we will be completely like him that's what's called the restart that's what's called a transformation now if you're taking notes in that verse circle the word learn and grow strong learn and grow strong if you're serious about your life and working on the hard places that you don't like that have been tough the patterns that were set in childhood you need to get a coach you get a training partner you need a spiritual coach a friend it only has to be one step ahead of you they don't have to be perfect by the way coach just has to be one step out of you all right these are the principles for permanent lasting change it requires me learning and facing the truth it requires me new to do new thinking it requires community and coaching you're never going to change those tough things in your life by yourself finally the fourth thing lasting change requires the holy spirit the holy spirit this is not something you do with just human energy only god can make those transformations in your life you could make a law that says no more prejudice no more racism no more bigotry but no law is ever going to turn a bigot into a lover only god can do that it's an internal change only jesus can turn somebody's prejudice into somebody who's non-prejudiced and somebody who's a hater into a lover now here's what the bible says zechariah chapter 4 verse 6 this is the word of the lord you will not succeed are you hearing this you will not succeed by your own strength or power but by my spirit says the lord you can no more transform yourself to be like christ and you can transform yourself to be a tiger or a leopard you can't transform yourself on your own power willpower is not enough now remember we said earlier you didn't collect your hurts and your habits and your hang-ups overnight you're not going to eliminate them overnight it's going to take t-i-m-e time it's going to take the rest of your life but it'll be a slow process and we're going to do a session on this one too of incremental change first corinthians 3 18 as the spirit of the lord works within us we become more and more like him as the spirit of the lord works within us it takes the holy spirit in your life as the spirit of the lord works within me i become more and more like him that's true for you too it's a gradual step by step incremental process it's not instant how many times have you heard me say when god wants to make a mushroom he takes six hours and when god wants to make an oak tree he takes 60 years question you want to be a mushroom or an oak tree i can show you how to become an emotionally healthy spiritually strong happy healthy woman or man of god i can teach you how to do that i can't teach you how to do it quickly there's no such thing like instant mashed potatoes instant maturity instant coffee and instant holiness it doesn't happen more on that in another message let me just wrap it up by asking you this question how seriously do you want this how serious are you about changing for the better in your life how serious you are about finally dealing with those parts of your personality that you they irritate you besides irritating everybody else how seriously are you interested in evicting the fears out of your life and the worries out of your life and the self-centeredness out of your life and uh the the laziness of the procrastination and the excuse-making and the anger and the jealousy how serious are you about evicting the insecurity out of your life do you really want to change for the better you take these four steps from god's word let's bow our heads would you bow your head with me right now father because none of us is perfect we all have uh defective areas in our lives and some of these are honestly so painful we can hardly stand even think about them lord i know every one of us has struggled with patterns and habits self-defeating behavior and weaknesses and character flaws defects some people here today they're in a defective relationship that's stuck it's cold and it's dying others are struggling with habits or hurts a lot of people here are struggling with the fear of being out of control and the more afraid they get the more controlling they become and it just pushes people away from them give every one of us the courage to take the first steps to healing right now all right now you pray say father i'm asking you to help me learn and face the truth say that i'm asking you to help me to learn and face the truth and i'm asking you to help me to spend time every day in your word to learn that truth that will change my life i'm asking you lord to help me get in a community and get a coach find a friend who will help me through the the tough times in my life i know i can't change on my own i've tried and lord i'm asking you to help me think in new ways like we talked about last week that i put on a new mind a new way of thinking about my life and about you and about the past and the present and the future and lord most of all i know i can't do this on my own i need your holy spirit so holy spirit i'm yielding myself to you today i'm saying lord make whatever changes you need to make in my life starting right now i'm i'm open i'm available i want change and i can't do it not by my nor by power but by your spirit says the lord if you've never opened your life to christ say jesus christ come into my life and begin the change process little by it a little step by step helping me to become the woman the man that i've always wanted to be i can't do it on my own god i need your help in jesus christ i'm asking you to save my life and change my life in your name i pray amen amen

Channel: Saddleback Church Berlin

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Length: 41min 40sec (2500 seconds)

Published: Sun May 15 2022