Making Daily Choices to Love Your Spouse - Ron and Deb DeArmond

a love is not a feeling it's neither is marriage it's a choice one that you have to make every single day even if you have to do it through gritted teeth welcome to the focus on the family broadcast helping families thrive John this one's gonna be a bit of an ouch for me and Jean I know you're listening so I'm sorry where I didn't do this well and the ouch is being more intentional in our marriages that's the key finding we're gonna talk more about today and we can't afford to just Coast and I think some of the husband's too and I'm sure some wives we are guilty of that at times you know we just kind of get into the groove and pretty soon we're raising the kids and making the payments on the house and it just you know it's just life it is what it is but we need to be reminded to be intentional and make sure our marriages are a priority in our relationship and that can be tough in in this modern world we live in a culture that screams the opposite message that marriage is all about making you happy or fulfilling your needs and the moment your spouse fails maybe you know I need someone new that's how human beings think even in the Christian community unfortunately values like commitment self-sacrifice in learning to serve your spouse I'm sure the hair on somebody's neck just went up learning to serve your spouse are you serious gem yeah actually and I'm guilty of not always doing it that well we want to address that issue today so that your marriage can honor the Lord which should be the ultimate goal and we're thrilled to have Ron and Deb dearmond back with us today they were with us about six months ago talking about conflict in marriage if you missed that program you should go back and hear it they've been married over 40 years and I think they've learned a few things in that for decades Ernie they have three grown sons eight grandchildren and today we've invited them back to talk about Deb's book I choose you today 31 choices to make love last Ron and Deb welcome back it's great to be back you've identified 31 ways that husbands and wives can strengthen their marriage and we're gonna cover those today but explain the book title I choose you today let's start with that well Ron actually started it we were making the bed one morning early in our marriage maybe you're two or three okay the fact you're making the bed is a good start yeah I was together I can't leave okay and he looked over the top of the coverlet and said to me very intentionally Jim I choose you today and I said great what am I being chosen for he said I just choose you that's good did that reaffirm something for you who did it mean something to you it didn't in the moment except that it was some sort of declaration of intentionality and I thought maybe I've not been and maybe I've not been a person who that you could choose yesterday oh yeah well and you self-described Ron that you're the romantic in your marriage now that's not always the case tschüss typically on the other foot but what are some of those ways that you show that romance well as you said in your open we have this culture we have our jobs we have our things so we do have to be intentional and it really hit me to be intentional about being her husband and loving her in a way that feels natural to me which was the romantic side which meant that you know I would surprise her by driving from San Francisco to Southern California where she was on business on a weekend where the kids were all taken care of and walk up to my mother's house where she was staying that night and surprise her but it took intentionality to break the molds and say hey you're you're bigger and better than then the the job that I have or the Valentine's weekend yeah yes so that really made it that was a good one that was a grand gesture yeah let me ask you this because you know so often opposites attract and it's okay it's the way God does these things and I know there's couples listening that you know you don't see a great distinction in your spouse and your personality type and that's okay too I'm just saying in general opposites attract so in that context you not being the more romantically inclined to do things like that how do you step up to the plate and have you learned that over time or do you still struggle not stepping up well it's I will tell you it's still taught sort of the first thing on my mind um he's tucking notes in my suitcase Oh to open or leaving notes for me numbered while he's away and I'm saying to him oh I forgot to buy you a birthday card happy birthday so good I'm a planner I have a list I think it's on the list it's gonna get done and so I've discovered I have to make myself some notes about those I always asked her with her list am I on your list did you put that on my and you let me ask you this wrong because sometimes the romantically inclined to do these special deeds can be offended that they're not getting reciprocal treatment and it becomes a point of bitterness have you ever dealt with that no because it it I knew I had I knew if the house was on fire she would know when the firemen came to her desk and say hey ma'am you need to leave because she wouldn't even know so I know I have to be intentional about waking that up and and finding different ways to wake that up and I always do there's always the card is always in the visor above her seat in the car so when we're going to a dinner and she I know the first thing she's gonna do is what check the makeup well she's gonna get hit in the head with a card and thankfully they all fall and he's an engineer this is amazing this is way out of out of bounds he's in touch with all his sides of his heart he's the empathy guy I'm the suck it up to Jim's point there really are some people that will say I've tried and there's not a reciprocation here so whatever I give up no keep trying why that's keep going because there is a Holy Spirit that is doing his thing behind the you know behind the scenes and so with my intentionality there is a Holy Spirit speaking to her about that and what annotation if I could be blunt - I mean if that's the motivation then you got the wrong motivation I mean if you're looking for the quid pro quo then you got to go back to the beginning and say okay why am I doing this what's motivating me and I love it run the fact that you just do it out of your heart yeah the whole concept of love is not what can I get from this right it's what do I want to give to this individual and even though I'm not the card girl and I'm not the romantic I did plan one one really romantic evening where I left a card at work for him it gave him clues about where to go what he was gonna find me in a local hotel my children five and under and it was a little house and so we just needed some alone time and that's like my one really big shining yeah moment you can always point run back to that you remember when but there are other ways that that I I see myself loving him in practical ways right when he wanted to change careers and leave something he'd been very successful in building a business and said this is my dream I said go for it we'll make this work and that's not natural for me I'm a safe player I like the safe bet that was my trust and my support for him and my love for him so it comes out in different ways yeah you in the book mentioned something called love magic yeah I'm not sure what that is but I wanted to ask you about it what is love magic and how do we apply it in our Christian relationship in our well and thankfully John 3:16 defines the fact that love seeks to give at your own expense running nothing in return and truly that that's the magic of the thing is that I do seek to give to her at my own expense never expecting anything in return but getting mounds of love and appreciation from her in return words of affirmation encouragement so the magic of it is like you said that it's you you give and love not to get back right but let me if I can press you on this because I think this is where a lot of relationships break down because it's hard to get out of that rut and in I I'm not even sure if you don't possess the ability to give without expecting back how you climb out of that routine have you found some successful ways to reorient your own thinking it's it's the concept of the book it's a choice and in the middle of the word choice of the word other letters oh I see and I have to remember to see him I have to remember to see all of the things that he sews into our life together and how he very intentionally loves me need to make a choice on a regular basis because it's not something that just bubbles up to the top of my brain and I think for a lot of couples the demands of work and family and all of the things that pull on us Church in ministry make it hard to sometimes remember how it's been two weeks since we've had even just a conversation that had anything to do with who's other than who's picking up the kids and did you go to the grocery store yeah and so making a choice a purposeful intentional choice that begins to gather some speed and it does become easier it does retrain your brain that's good the the ability to listen is another aspect of the book the listening skills it's important a lot of men may struggle with this I think I'm a pretty good listener Regine will tell me tonight after she hears the show and that's fair oh wait we've done the card we've got her on the phone right I know but that you know that is part of it stereotypically men struggle to multitask to listen what I've tried to do lately is when I really don't catch her saying something because I'm looking at something or reading something and she's caught me at a bad time to actually stop and look at her and say what did you just say I actually did not hear it and she's good about responding she doesn't respond with any kind of you know attitude in that regard and I think she appreciates fact that I'm really interested right but what kind of clues have you helped each other with to make sure your listening skills are at the top of their game well it's been her lifelong prayer that God built us with a little red light right here right between your eyes yeah that said I'm listening and I'm recording what you're saying so comprehending is the other half but you can hear it but it doesn't really all joke Society it is a thing where you have to stop you got to pause the TV you have to put that thing down and and we do it to each other when when we're talking and the other ones looking at a book we just wait we just wait oh okay or the phone you know when she gets talking to me and I'm you know if something dings on the phone and she just she'll just stop and wait it's like that's a site where were you what were you saying I think the other half of that is that we need to remember just because I want to tell you something right now doesn't entitle me to usurp your - well that's our millions for defense so it may just be hey I'd like to talk to you about XYZ is this a good time and he's absolutely free to say not really I've got this stuff I need to get through this email great then winds a better time yeah because if you want it to be meaningful you have to recognize just cuz I think it's time doesn't mean it's time yeah well and that that is learned I mean I sure he helps with that but I can remember you know I enjoy watching football on TV and that's probably one of my greatest waste of time and Jean you know Jean realized that she told me she said I know now not to ask you something while you're watching a football game and her timing was always uncanny I'd be right yeah the score is gonna happen and and I couldn't hear and and she was smart enough to say okay I'll ask you at halftime or I'll ask you after the game and that's that's been a good thing for us what about the spouse though that says the time never comes I'm unheard oh and what are some things that that person can do I think it's one of the most prevalent problems in marriage if I had a quarter for every time someone has said but he I talked to him and he says later you didn't tell me that I didn't know that it's because listening doesn't happen with your ears it happens with your heart and so what that individual is really saying is my heart's not open to what you have to say and that's a big issue and that probably requires maybe even some outside help to say if that's not if there's not an openness it's not important to you that you hear my heart we have some big issues to deal with Devon run I don't want to blow by that because that was a good question John asked and and for the spouse it's suffering in that I would think in part the other person may not even know their indifference is coming across in that way that would be my own experience at times you know that I don't know that I'm wounding Jean because I'm not fully engaged but it does how do you manage that situation so that it doesn't become a root of bitterness in your relationship your marriage what can the two of you do to remedy that problem I think the first thing we have to do is be intentional about making appointment so set a time yeah I set a time hey I'd like to go out to dinner tonight and I'd like to talk about this huh and talk about that and not old stuff not bringing it up you know for years you've been but just to talk about it and the emotions of it the bigger the other thing and listening is listening to the emotions of the conversations and not just the words and sometimes as men we hear the words and not the emotion and it does me well to look at her and say so what are you feeling during I hear you say in words but what are you really feeling and then understanding there's something behind that that's really motivating and pushing that well you know one of the things that strikes me with all the research that's been coming out with the use of technology this loneliness factor you know we're more lonely today than we've ever been even though we're more connected that's usually the headline and in our marriages we have that same struggle and I think it's this idea of presence that what your spouse and I think a lot of wives are missing emotionally is presence are you just with me yeah and are you here in my heart and I think we tend to fail at that because of the busyness and just to be present what does that mean how have you addressed that in your relationship well I have tried been the person in our life who's traveled he had his business at home and we did that intentionally because we thought it would be easier to raise men than to try and repair them later in life and since we were raising three sons he was the on-site parent and there were times owned I felt a little bit out of the loop I'd come home and they're all talking and laughing about something that happened during the week I had no context for him and had that make you feel it did not feel what it did you felt like an outside it didn't feel good and I let him know I feel sometimes like a neighbor like an outsider who stopped by and you invited me to dinner and he really did such a good job then of our evening phone calls not being what I call transactional and whether it's phone calls because you're away or whether it's conversations you have on a daily basis it's not about don't forget to take out the trash and did you did you remember to pay the light bill it's hey I wanted to catch you up on something that happened while you were gone let's talk a little bit about how we're going to spend you know this money that we've come into whatever it is making certain that there's not one partner who only knows a portion of this story and so I felt more present we we would do a Bible study occasionally in different places on the phone read the same chapter talk about it during that week I was gone there are ways to pull yourselves back to be present together we as human beings we tend to get entrenched in behavior patterns that are comfortable to us so when you're living life with another person in marriage that can be a real problem how have you struggled to adapt to change and what does that look like for the two of you well we got to realize we live life in seasons and so realizing hey this next three months for you is going to be a challenge so I'm gonna do this I choose to do this I choose to change my schedule a little bit be more intentional and that because then that helps knit we know there's an end to it that it's going to come back to normality you have an example of that how did that work in your marriage I can share one okay I was in a season where I had some very tight writing deadlines and we would he said if you'll help me plan the meals I'll take I'll take I'll captain the kitchen that was huge and he didn't just do the cooking he did the cleanup so that if I needed to go back I could and he left me a love note and he left me the only person who really likes change is a wet baby and Carl our backgrounds he had lots of change growing up I had almost none and so my ability to be more adaptable really had to grow and it's much better than it was I'm never gonna be the queen of change anywhere on the planet but I've recognized that if you don't adapt and you're not flexible you brake well with 40 years of marriage speak to the 30 year old who's been married a couple of years who is in that spot she doesn't change well what advice would you give her well I think that the best way is to have that conversation but shame never works you never you always and this is this is how it's hurting me I'm concerned about what I'm seeing going on with you babe and then you talk about that and here's what I would really love for us to be able to do together it's not about here's the thing you're doing wrong here's why you need to fix it it's we're in this together yeah how do we do that in the blending the merging of the thing that's what happens in this adaptability is we have to merge our lives and there's gonna be times when you're busy when she's not and vice versa so those we gotta merge and allow for each other space and and to help when we need to help and you know do this what's so shocking with that is just expressing it is most of the battle if you just talk about it you know this is gonna be a busy season and yeah let's just get through this went through a November of every weekend we were gone from the Caribbean to California to Colorado I mean it was like oh my gosh and it was just like we need to do some all good stuff right but all things that can cause you to feel some conflict or some stress and you got a manager yeah and know what the future is you know that's hopefully the next month or the months ahead will be a little lighter let me move to another category which was loyalty and specifically loyalty in your marriage that's an interesting term you know you talk about fidelity in marriage and commitment in that way loyalty in marriage it's rare that you hear that it's not a vogue yeah to tell you but you you know I love it because you referenced a documentary about a couple in their journey through Alzheimer's describe that it's and the thing that catches me here is it's always that sensational story it is but it but it is so beautiful tell us what happened to college professors she a professor of Dance he was I don't remember his field but it was mathematics or something much less defined and she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's in her early 50s and piece by piece she just dissed appeared and eventually he had to take a leave of absence and he had to quit the job completely to take care of his wife he was determined to keep her at home and I'll never forget this documentary as did you say 20 years old and it's he and his grown daughter sitting in two folding chairs on a stage and she's sobbing and says you've given your entire life it's it's it's enough dad it's enough she doesn't even know who you are and he turned and said to her but I haven't forgotten who she is that for me was a model that was a moment it even still yeah causes a little bit of emotion the investment is there on his part she's benefiting from it she's not even aware of it or even at that point she wasn't even verbal any longer yeah and that's that's what I like about that loyalty component is when the chips are down who will you be absolutely in so many ways that's where you see who you are exactly right it's reliability it's it's us being she doesn't need a doctor at this point she needs me or husband not even the pastor or the engineer it's being me you know and sometimes we have a hard time transitioning out of our job and what we think and how we process it oh you need you need the pastor right no in that loyalty it's just I just need to be your husband and her friend right now and I just need to take care of her and vice versa well being in tune with it is the biggest concern that I've got and I can rationalize as well as anybody else you know I I'm busy and traveling I'm doing things and you somehow you have to arrest all that thinking and stuff it in a box and say what's my primary job here yeah I was intrigued by your chapter called choosing to live in peace with your spouse let's all say that together yeah choosing to live in peace with your spouse yeah but I guess that most couples aren't intentional about choosing peace over conflict we get into that rut as well it's like we feed off of the controversy the conflict so what does it look like day-to-day in marriage in peace right it makes me think of in the chat or the the scripture there Romans 12:18 you know we have the ability to walk in peace but not always the desire and the you know word speaks right to a human yeah doesn't it right so it is yeah I know I have the ability to walk in peace but it is it's getting there because we're trying being spirit soul body so it's what's being stirred right now so what are some of those common mistakes husbands and wives make that lead to the opposite of peace conflict I think it's keeping score because if I if I have not had closure if we've not had closure even if we said if there hasn't been closure then the next little tiny evidence of that man it pops right back up and we are at it again at full throttle almost from the word go wow that's a profound statement I think a lot of people are imagining a lot of unclosed issues in their marriages right now we just walk away because we're tired of fighting but it's never really so how do you go backwards on this how do you get to peace it takes a conversation and and I think the biggest thing we know how to forgive hey will you forgive me for what I said the way I handled it but one of the clearest questions I need to ask her in that conflict is how did what I did make you feel is there anything that I've missed to where now where she has the opportunity to express what was really in her heart when I challenged when I broke the peace and it caused an emotional reaction and sometimes it's well forgive me for breaking the peace but really it's is there anything else I missed that you want to talk about the problem with that it sounds so easy but for some reason it's really hard I don't know yeah I don't know but it sounds so easy to do if you're just thinking correctly thinking straight well humility is tough like loyalty so that's the problem humble your heart and say I want to understand what the impact was so that I can avoid do that I know you love me and you don't want me to feel like that again so how long did it take for you to come up with this concept and to grab on to it and really practice it 43 years you know I don't know that we ever stopped learning how to do this better and I think that when we go okay well we know everything there is to know we're done no let's give a little practical application in the book you have two people I'm sure you change the name Alison it's Phil who were not living in peace because of their financial issues this would probably be the most common pretty common yeah so give us the details of what happened what was going on in their relationship and how they resolved it well she was very much sort of the black and white person we have a budget we've agreed to do it and you never stick to and you never stick to it and so I'm entitled to be angry with you and yet his thing was hey it was on sale it would have been fiscally irresponsible not the flipped is it they had very different backgrounds and that was part of the issue yes and so their upbringing one came from a family of planners and savers and the other was the impulse buy group they had to recognize that it wasn't an issue of lack of commitment it was a lack of training together and so when once you've identified that it's like it's not a character flaw well did he stop spending as much money you know it is about an overnight they had signed up twice before for a financial peace thing at their church and he never would go and she said if you will go this next time with me I think we could put it to bed you tell couples that you can't be each other's Holy Spirit okay that's the dagger of the program right there because we do that in marriage we have expectations we know you can do better because I do better in that area you could be doing better in that area and I'm in a fact trying to be the Holy Spirit in your life so speak to that straight there truly is something in that I know I feel in especially a money thing or things like that that we've agreed on that when I violate that I I'm feeling something I'm feeling a prick that this isn't what we agreed on and how do you differentiate between not being somebody's holy spirit and getting the point across I think that Holy Spirit really can do a better job than I can so how do we do this so I'm gonna pray okay well I'm gonna bathe that issue in prayer can I recite one of my prayers like that oh god this is the car this is only she'll see we can't we can't shame people into seeing it our way right yeah it is a prayer of faith bet and it's amazing truly on the way home from work and that thing and and you walk in the house and everything's different and it's like you honored that short so the Lord her daughter yeah prayer of I need your help because I can't do this is there a time when that's not an appropriate prayer not between me and him it's never not appropriate yeah I was gonna I jumped on that emotion when you said it I felt it it was like hey how could it never be right pray first always appropriate just to get my feelings out and say this is frustrating this is not and this is and just share my emotion with him he's the God of all comfort he's ready to come for me to that but it's amazing what he does when I when we get together that's like oh my gosh there's a piece where we can talk about the tension so a great example is that before we were engaged in teens we had curfews from both of our parents and the night that he led me to the Lord was the night before we graduated from high school and we were out way past that curfew you're in trouble we needed God we knew it and we both prayed and when he walked in his mother was sitting in her rocking chair and she looked up and said hi did you have a good evening and he said I did he said and she was done talking and I went directly to my room and it was pretty much the same for me God honored that because we weren't yeah misbehaving we weren't being defiant and God goes before us yeah that's so true this has been great and thank you so much for sharing these truths I mean I think there are so many sticks of wisdom in this book that you've created I choose you today 31 choices to make love last it it permeates from every pore of your body you guys are in love and you have worked to do this and I think it's one of the great secrets that shouldn't be a secret on how to have a wonderful relationship and that's to put your life behind the life of your spouse put your life down man it's what scripture says and it's so hard for us in our human flesh to do it and this is a wonderful resource to rekindle our ignite for the first time this idea of laying your life down for your spouse I think it's wonderful I want every married couple to get a copy of I choose you today I have single adults too this is a great way to prepare for that life that hopefully the Lord has in front of you maybe not but it's one of those resources you'll want to get and if you can simply make a gift of any amount to help the ministry here focus to help marriage as to how parents and do all the work that we do here we'll send it along as our way of saying thank you Ron and Deb again thank you so much for being here that transparency thank you for helping us be better in our marriages thanks for having us it's a joy hey I'm John fuller and thanks for watching get more info about focus over here and more from our guests over there and be sure to subscribe to our channel as well

Channel: Focus on the Family

Views: 43,119

Keywords: focus, on, the, family, Focus on the Family, Marriage, Marriage Help, Love, Choosing Love, choosing your spouse, husbands, wives

Id: H-bwk9shMYc

Length: 30min 54sec (1854 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 04 2019