Make Peace with Your Grief and Watch Where It Leads You | Susan McCorkindale | TEDxTysons

[Music] growing up I had the world's best grandma she was the gold standard of grandmas she was my dad's mom this very cute little Italian lady straight off the boat from Calabria she could barely speak English and she certainly couldn't read any she would take the bus from her house in Union City New Jersey to our house in Richfield New Jersey with this enormous pot of chicken soup on her lap and all of these supermarket bags filled with goodies for me and my brothers around her feet somebody would help her get off the bus at our corner and we would be there to take her home now it goes without saying that the chicken soup was to die for but would always blew my mind and blew my brother's minds was how she always got right all of the junk food that we loved you know how she did it she took the packages of our favorite junk food to this supermarket and she matched them now that's love I loved my grandmother Kate she fed us she sugared us I'm telling you she was the best I was a junior in high school when she passed away and I recall my dad sitting in his chair with the TV off and I said hey pop are you okay and they said yeah I'm just thinking about grandma I miss her sometimes I'm not sure what I'm gonna do without her now I didn't know what to say I was a kid for God's sake yeah and since I probably only poked my head in there to ask for money to go to the mall the best I could do to assuage my guilt was give him a kiss and tell him I loved him and get out of there so fast forward many years later I'm married I've got two kids my dad was almost as good a cook as my grandma after her death though he started making her meals for us and when he made her meals for us he told us stories about her about the old country about my grandpa what life was like for them there and what life was like for them when they came to the United States in doing that in telling us those stories he kept her alive for us and actually he made her come more fully to life for us than we had ever known her when I look back I can see that my dad used his grief to feed not just our stomachs but our souls so fast-forward many years later I'm married we've got two kids and I've inherited none of my dad's or my grandma's culinary skills but that's okay because I am married to a Budweiser macaroni and cheese and fish sticks kind of guy and he doesn't care what I burn for dinner he was a farmer a football coach a die-hard New York Giants fan and a loving dad he was a regular guy but he was my regular guy we'd been married just 20 years when he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer not two years later he was gone we had a lovely service for him lots of the kids who coached came two of them spoke his brother spoke and afterwards his brother and sister-in-law hosted or passed for him that was better than some weddings I've been to it was lovely and still I can recall feeling that if one more person came up to me and hugged me and said something supportive I was gonna throttle them you know what I'm talking about right things like you'll get over it you'll get through it you'll move on Susan I'll get over it so now what my husband's death is some sort of Brij I need to cross and if I can get to the other side it's gonna be good they're like I don't think so you'll get through it that's my favorite because right now his defense is this raging river and I've been plucked in the middle of it and if I can just swim to the other side it's gonna be good well you think so because what you are suggesting is that I leave stew in the river and I'm not willing to do that none of those platitudes worked for me in fact they just made me angry and agitated and one of the things I recall most clearly about the days and the weeks after stew Seth is that I couldn't stop moving I cleaned I worked I exhausted myself daily you would think I'd be able to sleep right but no not at all in fact I wandered the house all night every night trying to distance myself from this pain that I didn't know what to do with it was during one of those nice late at night that I suddenly remembered my dad sitting there with the TV off to get about my grandma and it hit me it was time to make myself be still I was not keen on that idea but I was so tired and distracting myself wasn't working and knowing how I didn't want to handle my grief wasn't helping me handle my grief so I decided I would give it a try I would sit with my grief and I would think about still and I was let myself just feel it was awful but I kept at it I love the ocean so he decided to imagine my grief as an ocean a beautiful warm blue expanse of water and I sat in my ocean and I let the waves wash over me and some days they really knocked me around but I didn't quit I hung on day after day until one day I realized I could hear the rush of the water but I no longer felt compelled to rush off with it in making myself be still I'd made peace with my pain now it was part of me and being the person that I am I thought it would only be polite to introduce it to the other parts of pain and so I did I introduced it to my blond hair my blue eyes the fact that I can add and the fact that even after living in Virginia for 15 years you know as soon as I open my mouth that I'm from New Jersey it was late in my stint in my imaginary ocean that I began to formulate this idea then we can take our grief and use it to do something good it could be a big thing I could go out and I could build a memorial to stew or it could be a small thing like my dad making my grandma's meals for us because what it comes down to is that it doesn't matter the magnitude of the gesture what matters is that we take our grief and use it to do something good in our little corner of the universe since you are already well aware that I cannot cook it will come as no surprise to you that I didn't channel my grief in the direction of my son's stomachs instead I chose to use it to feed and strengthen their souls when stew is sick the boys went on the back burner this is awful to admit but what makes it even worse is that my eldest has autism when he was diagnosed the doctors said he'll never drive he'll never go to college he'll never live on his own he'll never manage his own money or a hold a job so I took my pain and all of the guilt I felt at having been unable to focus on him for so long and I poured it into helping him prove them wrong I googled I made phone calls I found programs and instructors I hired job coaches and mentors and together we proved them wrong ten times over as from my younger son the little boy who was my rock during Stu's illness I took my pain and used it first to help him navigate the depression that came when his dad died I found the best psychiatrist and then I found the best way to get him to listen to that person I bribed him with video games when he was back on track together we turned our attention to finding the best fit for his significant athletic abilities would it be football would it be wrestling would it be track as it turns out it's rugby and today he's one of the best college rugby players in the country are those good things to have done with my grief are they big things well hell yes people when you're a grief stricken okay if you can get up out of bed and get your kids to school on time that's a win folks okay and if you can get up and get dressed and not drive them in your pajamas please somebody should make margaritas yes those were good things I did with my grief and what it comes down to is that we can't do anything good with our grief if we don't first allow it in absorb it welcome it and let it into the party in the first place so please from now on let there be no more you'll move on you'll get over it you'll get through it instead let there be sit with your grief let it become part of you let it simmer and see what it leads you to do I'm willing to bet it's something wonderful thank you [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 173,052

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Health, Cancer, Hardship, Mental health, Motivation, Struggle

Id: OYEkdPwFYfI

Length: 11min 45sec (705 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 23 2020