Losing James: A Military Couple’s Stillborn Story (Part 1 of 2) Ep 119

hey waiting Warriors welcome to another week on The Waiting warriors podcast this week obviously I have a special guest Austin is back um this one's going to be a little bit different the um by a little bit we mean a lot a lot yeah uh we're going to call this the James episode maybe I'll be able to come up with a better title but um with least my experience with handling the grief and loss of a stillborn and a son um it really helped to hear other people's stories and I've had an A lot of people have asked like hey my friend just miscarried our friend just lost a child what do you think are things that would be helpful for us to do and things that we're kind of combining our experience Lessons Learned and sharing things that people have done uh that have really helped us so hopefully it will help you guys yeah so I guess if you're watching this we might not be smiling the whole time and that's okay if you're listening to this it might sound uh not super upbeat at times but again that's because there's a little bit of trauma and grief still involved and I would offer if you've had a loss if this is potentially triggering for you just this is your warning now some of this is sensitive material though we try and speak honestly about our experience and honestly about loss uh it's also I think helpful and healthy to listen to those stories both if you've experienced something or if you haven't so to your own degree stay with us but uh just wanted to at least put that out there um so I think we'll just start so in March 2021 um I had a still Barn I still I still don't know like what the the term that I like is um so I guess going back a little bit before March um we found out Austin was going to be deploying I don't like quote unquote we'll back it up right turn for that so let's start at the beginning of 2021 okay so 2021 starts we knew we were pregnant and then yes baby number five and President Biden said hey we're going to activate federal troops to help with the vaccine effort for covid-19 right and so at that time we were not early in the pregnancy 14 to 16 weeks somewhere in there um so I guess relatively early but entering the second trimester and my Battalion because we had um a medical company we were put on a prepared to deploy order so we were tapped for that potential assistance for FEMA's covid-19 vaccine response under President Biden's directives so with all that happening we wanted to go find out the gender and we did we found out it was a boy and that's how we knew it was going to be James because we had four girls and no boys and James was always going to be our boy's name our first son so January in February kind of a whirlwind finding out hey we're going to have a sun and hey I might be leaving but we don't know where we don't know where or when and we don't know for sure if week you're going to this place and then it change a few times um until ultimately end of February they said hey you're going to Chicago we're gon to go to Chicago Illinois and support the again FEMA's emergency response vaccine um mission mission set yeah essentially and my commander wanted me to go he wanted a lot of his staff and other support elements there because it's a high stress Mission um our our soldiers were were working going to work I mean now in retrospect really long days and setting things up so I was I knew for sure I was going and so we set that all up and I left at the very beginning of March and so while I was gone probably two weeks into the mission set was the 21 22 20 we appointment but we're really at 21 22 weeks yeah it's like the the anatomy ultrasound if you've been pregnant before like you always get an anatomy ultrasound it's very the word procedural no yeah like every pregnancy standard procedure a 20 we appointment give or take right and so ours was really around 21 22 weeks just because of timing yeah just because of timing and the scheduling and all that kind of stuff but it was um so I went in for that appointment and he was gone I don't know how else to say it I could say more take it away so I was starting my day like any other um getting thought for the day ready for command I'm going to go check on the soldiers and everything again we're about two weeks into our our mission set there so things were starting to get a little settled it had been a very hectic two weeks and Michelle sent me a text saying hey I'm at the appointment but something seems wrong and I was kind of confused like what do you mean there's what could be wrong and she said I the doctor came in or the ultrasound tech came in and then left and then came back and left and came back and something's weird and so I stepped out to give her a call and by the time I called the doc had come in the room with Michelle and told us with me on the phone that James no longer had a heartbeat and so from that point it was Michelle needing to get instructions to go and have some fluids drawn and different things to do tests and for me I found my PA first of all a great a gentleman and kind of broke down with him for a second because our Command was in a meeting and then I got with my commander and said Hey sir here's the situation I need to go if you support that he said why we need to get you out of here and so with the support of my command I was on emergency leave put on a flight back home to be with Michelle um for me it was as down with the ultrasound tech and they sent me up to um labor or not labor and delivery the obes office and a doctor walked me through what um some of the next steps were um I will say I was by myself because it was during covid stuff and so everything at the hospital was still you know no extra people um Austin was gone I I do wish I had like called a friend to come and be with me but I made I'm a I don't want to inconvenience anybody and so like one of the people I had thought about calling she homeschools her kids so that felt like that would have been a big thing to ask her and another good friend had family over um I kind of wish I had called them somebody I did call my mom and my mom was on the phone for me a while and but she actually was at the doctor's office for my dad for some big medical thing and then I called my sister so like somebody was talking to me most of the time but it was um just a lot of tests and then I had to go to this other clinic for more tests and more um ultrasounds and just a lot of needles and testing the amniotic fluid and all that kind of stuff so that was a really that was a really long afternoon um a friend had our kids most of them were at school and then the other ones were with a friend and then um I came home a friend picked up Austin wasn't just a friend yeah it was the Brigade chaplain so for those of you who don't know I'm a chaplain and my Brigade chaplain was the one who picked me up from the airport and really simple things that he did was one be there on time and two he had a water bottle in a cooler ready for me he said hey here's a water I got your bags sit down started driving and really just conversation to the point that I was comfortable um and again anybody who's in that kind of situation you don't have to talk you don't have to I mean silence can feel uncomfortable but I don't remember all what was going through my mind and as I reflect and think back right now part of my brain was on a more of a mission set mode so again as a Chaplain I have dealt with loss um in many settings and have been in hospital settings to include being present at other infant or still birth miscarriage type loss for families and so in my mind I've known what this is like for other people and being present for it for them but this was my own and so there were mixed feelings of okay I kind of know how this goes but this is mine and this is different and so all of that to say that right home I mean it was about an hour 15 minutes because Nashville a fort we were at Fort cell at the time Nash to Fort Campbell um is is about an hour plus drive and so you know just when you're with somebody and they've had a loss it's good to just be present you don't have to ask a bunch of questions you don't have to say much of anything it was really just a water bottle and some friendship that went a long ways for me and those that first day so got home and it was a didn't have the appointment that night right it was the next day yeah it was the next day yeah so we we just had to sleep at home and then the next day we were going to the hospital for the doc's appointment my mom flew in um next morning and again our Brigade chapl his wife who was my friend um her one of their daughters was with the kids they went and got my mom from the airport because of when we needed to be at the hospital um it just was hours of tests and forums and making plans with the doctor and then in the late afternoon um we're like basically gearing up like being prepared to move into the room where labor was going to be um no we went into the room yeah we went into the room and like waiting for her to bring in the medicine to start labor and all that kind of stuff and um she said I had placenta Privia they were just doing last minute double checking and different things and they said we're pretty sure you're actually placenta preia yeah I was complete placenta Privia which put me at high risk and that hospital didn't have the things needed for that um so I had to get ambulance down to Nashville um to a hospital there that could handle that kind of situation um and I drove yeah so Austin drove the car cold dark rainy that was a miserable yeah moment um then the doctor like we got there and it was like p.m or whatever I don't even know super late even later and so the doctor was like nothing's happening tonight so we decided Austin should go stay at a hotel trying to get a good nights and I no which I went to the closest hotel big mistake I always like to stay at Marriotts and this other Hotel was not one and walking in it was like the guy wasn't at the register or the front desk I mean and then when he was he like wasn't paying attention and he walked away and I essentially walked out after like two minutes of standing in that Lobby and went to a marot so this isn't an advertisement for them but I got great service up a mar like I always do and that was such a silly mistake but kind of funny to look back on um that I was just trying to be as close as I could but then it was didn't work out so I just went another mile down the road whatever it was yeah so listen to some music um and that's maybe a lesson learned and I know we well I guess we didn't say say at the beginning but we're going to tell our story and then also tell some lessons learned through the whole experience yeah some of those will come out during and some will maybe just save till the end but one of them is music music can calm music can connect music can be some noise in the silence and not to fully distract but hopefully to help Soo or open up the mind and the thoughts so yeah anyway I like Disney stuff and so um was just listening to some like Disney instrumental type classical scores from the movies and things like that as I fell asleep and that kind of helped ground me I think in a pretty chaotic difficult situation um I had a completely sleepless night if anybody else has had placenta Privia you know you're basically treated like a balloon that's about to pop is what what they're afraid of like um so I had V checked or some kind of like I think my blood got taken like five times that night type thing just different tests and stuff so I didn't sleep but then in the morning Austin was there and then they induced labor um it was a not happy moment right um but Austin actually had the idea um to do it was March and I really like baseball and so basketball oh my gosh basketball and um it's March Madness so the big college tournament and I grew up every year we would fill out brackets um but we kind of do it differently and just do like round by round so then everybody stays in it um so Austin asked the nurse if they could print out brackets so that was kind of our attempt to keep I don't know if it's like like you can't be normal but like not get too sucked into depression I guess like you know I mean it's life in the room I guess yeah I mean we we were about to birth our stillborn son that's difficult so what can we do to not just be stewing over that but not also completely try and just pretend like everything is fine so a normal thing was March Madness brackets so we filled out some brackets um took some phone calls I had a great phone call with my friend Scott um who again I think one of the most loving things that has been said to me he said welcome to the club it's not one anyone wants to be a part of but once you're in you're in and they had had a daughter who died shortly after birth a few years prior and so he he connected with my experience he understood on a different level that kind of loss and that was really helpful again not not a lot said I mean he's a funny guy and so we had a pretty normal conversation even amidst the difficulty and so again that's a lesson learned is where you can connect connect with people you don't have to be a subject matter expert he's not a he's a dentist by trade um so it's not like he's a grief counselor or a psychologist or anything it's yeah I'm a friend and I'm someone who's gone through something similar I can give you a call and I'm sorry just you know tell you I love you say I'm sorry and you know be present so that's another little lesson yeah yeah so we did the March Madness brackets and um yeah the epidural which was awful and yeah laboring being induced was going on and it was a really long night um with some sleeplessness just waiting and then in the morning um he was delivered and I have to say it was a miracle the expectation the whole time was because I was placenta preia um was that either um how do I not get super graphic he wouldn't come out whole because the placenta was blocking the thank you sorry the canal um so he wouldn't come out whole or um things would get to a point where I would need a surgery um because they wouldn't want me the placenta to pop and bleeding and all that kind of stuff um I will never forget the doctor's face I don't think you saw her face but I'm like looking at her um I will I will never forget her face when he came out because he came out perfectly whole um and he came out before the placenta she was expecting the placenta to be delivered first and he came out and she just had this like and she looked at at me and said how did you do that and I don't think I did that I think that was a miracle and tender blessing um because one it like literally the whole time I'm thinking I'm about to have some medical crisis more than what it was and you know bleeding and all this kind of stuff and I wasn't going to have any kind of experience with my baby because of how he would have to be deliberate and stuff and none of that happened so I wasn't in danger and we got to have time with him um and that just was like it wasn't the miracle I wanted but it it was the best one that could have happened um yeah so we sorry yeah um so we got to spend a little bit of time with him I went back in the room as they did some measurements and weight and everything and got him dressed with a tiny little diaper and then wrapped them up and brought him back in the room and we're able to hold him take some pictures with him and those are more for us right I know some people share them we haven't really shared those with anybody I think a few select um family members have seen them in some of that circumstance and timing and also comfortability and just availability right but it's not I'll say it's not right or wrong I know some people post theirs on or social media accounts and that's the other unique thing about a child loss especially um still birth or um shortly thereafter with infant death uh everyone's going going to process that loss and include that uh person in their life differently and so and and it it changes and it evolves and it's not that if you know people haven't seen pictures that we've you know intentionally tried to snub them or whatever yeah but it's also they're difficult for us to look at we want to have them want to to keep that as part of our history and over time our um thoughts and feelings you know have and flow and change but you know it's it's a it's a difficult um experience to balance so that being said um we spent time with him and then the decision comes and anybody who's had a loss there's different ways to handle your deceased family member and so we chose to do a burial not everyone does some people will choose cremation um things like that but we we want to to give them a place to rest in that sense in our in our eyes and again that's not a right or wrong for other people who choose cremation or other modes of deposition I believe is the medical term um of the remains of an individual but uh yeah so we had to coordinate that um which was finding a funeral home and different things and which we did we found one up close to Fort Campbell in the area and um didn't make all the arrangements but it was just picking one right and then uh going home and and going home with most labor and delivery departments if not all have some form of departing gift that they'll give you gift is maybe the wrong word but that's what comes to mind little remembrance boxes or little teddy bear or something um for you to go home with after a loss like that and we had a little teddy bear and a couple other little things yeah that they had given us so yeah also at that point two thoughts so for for me the epidural went uh very poorly without like I can't I still can't talk a lot about it yeah out of five kids that just wasn't good yeah um so as the epidural wore off on one side of my legs just I could feel the epidural wearing off and pain coming in um so we were told at the hospital that it just probably would go away and you know talk to my doctor um but that was happening at the same time so we had to leave the hospital empty-handed and it was very painful for me to walk um which just adds to the it's like yeah trauma and stupidness of the situation I guess um so we went home uh my mom was with the kids it was good to see the kids um but then we had to be home empty-handed and plan a funeral which neither of us wanted to do luckily um my mom was there so we were able to kind of come and go and like there's just a lot of things and a funeral is not like an easy or like just two things that need to get done like it's a lot of things Austin took a lot of that responsibility um and so the next few days we're just making all the arrangements and the decisions and then the funeral we chose to um for family not to come into town um and so it was just us our kids my mom um and then two church leaders um and again like kind of like with the cremation and the versus like burial um I don't think there's the right decision it's um one of the lessons I've learned is and I've read a book which I am like totally drawing a blank of what it's called I will put it in the show notes though um of just like that this is this is my grief and this is his grief and for us as parents everybody else still has grief grandparents lost a grandson our kids lost brother it's different for us and we need to not apologize for the decisions that we had to do for our grief and so for us that was not not having family there it's that was like a a big and complicated decision that I'm not going to like go into everything about it but that was what's best for us and I know that was that was kind of hard for some family members but I um that was what was best for us at the time at the time and and I you know like we could go over and over on you know everybody else's opinions about it and what was right and you know rehash it out and what really should have happened but same thing for for like cremating like I have I have a another military spouse friend who lost a child in a very similar circumstance as a stillborn and she decided to cremate and um she has him in a special ear and um every move it's very stressful because she has to protect that ear unlike any of her other possessions whereas for us every time we move it's hard like it was hard moving away from Fort Campbell and you know so I guess I'm just saying like there's no there's no right decision I don't think there's um this is a situation where there's not a way that wins does that make sense just do the best you can yeah and it's going to be hard and hurtful for everybody involved in different ways yeah and that's and just un understand that like I think I wish I I think we I think we had a pretty good you had said something similar when we were going through it and like we kind of had a good understanding but again that book like when she had said that in the book of just like this is your grief that that really helped me and that helped relief a lot of guilt of just like there's not there's not a right way and a way to do this that's going to relieve the pain for anybody and so if you just kind of let go of that expectation um so there's the funeral and then after the funeral it was um navigating the injury and going back to work um for me I was in a lot of pain I was trying to um it was weird because the hospital told me it should just go away and it's not going away and then um there was an ER visit and medicine and referrals for physical therapy and all that kind of stuff for me it was hard it was like salt in the wound and I can't even you know I just had nothing at that point is what it felt like um and I don't think I've never I've never heard of anybody's still birth I know miscarriage can be a little bit different but like it's a it's not a painfree experience and that's again like just a dumb part of it that we can't avoid um but I just like I feel like it's important to talk about it because I've talked to so many um waiting Warriors and they like they've just never heard somebody talk about it and it seems like it's one of the things that we like silently go through with it of just the recovery pain and how that kind of adds to the pain um but then with navigating going back to work I think again that's something that like there's not a right answer but it's something that you have to figure out between the both of you yeah between us and then also with your unit right and so and every job is different so it's going to be different for everybody's you know position level responsibility and so for me it was what are we okay with first between Michelle and I and then also what is my command supportive of so between Michelle and I we were kind of in in a tossup because again my my unit was on a special Mission set to support the FEMA response to covid-19 vaccines and so my command and a lot of our our Focus was in Chicago and so a big part of me wanted to be where the mission was at where the soldiers were at where the you know where I'm more fully needed again in my capacity as a Chaplain there not able to go to worship services on Sunday so I can run worship services for them in the hotel and things like that not to mention the the Pastoral counseling and different things that I can do and so it was a difficult decision but my command supported either way that either return to the mission set with them in Chicago or I stay at home Station at Fort Campbell um and just kind of pick up duties there and so as we talked about it prayed about it and I thought about it I want I wanted to return um not to escape home not to escape pain uh it was where my heart was and again that's I I feel like I was called to this profession it's not just I chose to become a chaplain but I feel like God puts me in a place for a reason and there were really unique Ministry opportunities that came when I went back to Chicago now that came at the cost of not being at home and that's that's hard it's it's not an easy choice because I know Michelle probably could have used me um had a shoulder to cry on and a person to be within person and I know I could have used her in that same capacity as in again our view as husband and wife that's part of what we're for each other for not to be used but to be there for each other partnered together in those things and so um there were some tearful nights there were difficult phone calls um but again I was able to do some really unique Ministry with some of our soldiers that were on Mission in Chicago and that's what I'm in the Army for and so it was again a difficult choice and it's again I don't think right or wrong but that was the one that we chose and there's pros and cons on each side and I feel like we were blessed bled through it with support from friends and from leaders and from people in our community both at home and in Chicago and so uh again that's an individual choice and each person will have to navigate it and do so between them and their spouse and their command as they reintegrate into work there were there were difficult days and difficult moments yeah um where I wasn't quite at my full capacity but uh again so so two things one is s since our experience the rules have changed policies different things policies have come the last year or so um so make sure if you go through that I mean it's your unit's job to make sure you're aware of it but um like there is more time allotted without messing with your leave and that stress um but a lesson learned at least for me has been that you need to let your partner grief how they need to grieve um there like and the way that he's grieving doesn't mean anything about me it's not like he his experience his experience is not going to be the same and he can't expect mine to be the same and there doesn't have to be judgment there he like he is a father who lost his son as the mother my experience was different one just being a mother and being a woman and being who I am like we're just both individuals but then also the experience is different and I think it's really easy to say that the mom experiences so much more and while that is true we experience different things a dad still goes through a lot and I don't think that's talked about enough I don't think the dads are addressed enough um I got a lot of um sympathy and I'm so sorry and attention a lot of cards and notes a lot of cards and notes which which I very much so appreciate um but I think the dads and I know we I had another friend who had lost somebody their child like six months or so a year or something my sense of time is just completely screwed up ever since this but um shortly before and she had experienced a very similar thing of just like the dad is kind of ignored I think that is a bit of a failure on us as society and I don't mean that like ambivalently of other people are the problem CU I know I before my own experience I had no idea and I never reached out to any of the dads either I always just reached out to the wife um and I will say I did have people out to me it's not that it was completely silent um though I would wouldn't be surprised if there were some that really didn't get much but like I said I had a friend who called me very early on before James was even delivered I had a friend who answered the phone as I was breaking down the day after I got home before we went to the hospital um who was a fellow chaplain I had a while I was at home probably around the time we had the funeral my commander and and a lot of the soldiers and leaders that were in Chicago signed a card and sent it to me and that's one of my cherished possessions from this experience was just a simple card of love and sympathy and empathy and and Care um but if you want to go ratios yeah a lot you know a lot fewer interactions toward me than Michelle and at times it's not like oh I I want the attention but it's am I invisible in my grief I guess is the question and in my professional capacity I know you know every father's going to go through it differently I've been with men who dismissed the loss essentially that they kind of okay well yeah it's a loss and they just move on drive on at least that's the outward expression and the initial interaction uh and then I've also held a crying man in my arms who's you know wife had a miscarriage and he's just balling and I just hold him and give him some love and Ministry and uh try and listen and you know a space for that grief to land and so again it's going to be very different um but I I would stand by what Michelle says don't let the men be discounted or disappear in their grief because the the pain can be acute or it can be very um dull but long lasting and sometimes it's there's this misconception of well I need to be strong for my spouse either one whether it's the the wife or the husband or the whichever um spouse is saying well I need be strong for so and so what does strength look like so that's probably a whole other you know podcast episode but to me there is strength and vulnerability and transparency and saying I'm I'm feeling broken I'm feeling sad I I remember sitting with my S1 in Chicago after lunch one day and just starting to kind of cry a little bit because it sucked and the pain had surfaced you don't get to control when the grief just kind of comes and crashes as a wave and he sat with me through it again it's not that nobody was there for me um but but men I think in general terms grieve differently than women because the loss is different and we have these different cultural and other expectations or ideas that are pushed on us or around us in society and so just being aware of them um and not being dismissive if someone starts to cry in front of you and there were also times when I got super angry in my grief and I went out and I just started throwing weights around and I mean not like violently throw them in like lifting weights to get some of that energy and anger out and just yelling and kind of you know having emoting yeah in my own private way um and so seen or unseen the grief is there um so kind of the next of like timeline experience was um that I do feel like need to address is another like a hard part of the whole experience was um the postpartum appointment that visits really hard a visit's really really hard um you're going back to um one like anytime going to that hospital was very difficult um but then being where somebody had talked you through everything but then also waiting in a room where there's tiny babies and moms and pregnant people and people that are excited for life and you um are at a loss and in a loss and that's really difficult um that I was kind of expecting what I wasn't expecting really threw me for a loop was to be handed a postpartum paper that was exactly the same as if I had brought a healthy baby home it was the same paper I had gotten four times before um for our other children asking questions about um is your baby sleeping is your baby eating what's their name all like just literally all that information um and if you were around on Instagram around that time I um wrote all over that paper um I wrote a lot of things of why are you asking me this what is important that like Crossing it out this isn't necessary this isn't necessary I let my anger out on that form I tried my best to not let my anger out on the nurse who came to get me and asked for the form but I was very clear that that was not acceptable and not necessary and that led to some advocating work um and I think one of the unfortunate things about um the medical system is it's often the people who are hurting that need to Advocate the most and have the best voices for that um I am I have been trying to work on an advocating so that is not happening at least in the military medical system that there are different forms for us and things but um I just have to give a little plug of like you might have have to advocate for yourself and you don't have to be silent about it um something that really drove me is just thinking like okay this is exceptionally painful for me I don't ever want another mother to have to experience this so I'm going to say something again I tried to be polite and understanding that like the nurse and the Doctor Who were in front of me are not the ones they're not the ones making those decisions so don't get angry at them but I think it is it was helpful to say this is not okay like why I need to talk to the person who's making these forms I need to like there's no reason well I think a few times I said there's no reason for you to be asking me this and then other times I'm asking why are you asking me this why are you like do like do you really need to be putting what where some like the um so one of the questions I asked why are you asking for me for this of like it was was The Depression screening questions and I was just like I I literally just buried my son should I be happy like I don't I don't know how how to answer this question so yeah I know I know as as like a no I was just going to say that's probably another podcast episode and it's so yeah not that I'm not want I'm not wanting to cut you off but I'm also W to be this could this could go even further just in the whole advocacy work and systems and how people work in systems and people you know sometimes are aware of it and other times are not until you say something and so Michelle did a great job um and and continues to do a great job at trying to help make some of those changes again so other women in particular don't have to go through a similar type of painful experience after already experiencing a painful loss yeah and I will say last thing about the advocacy is we were we were able to change those forms those forms at least at Fort Campbell Hospital which if you ever listen to this and then you do heaven forbid have a loss and you don't get those papers please let me know because I know exactly who to call and who to change that again and there was great again very responsive leadership in place that heard and and understood and were empathetic about the situation and they realized something that hadn't been brought to their attention before they like they did not know it's I I think and also it's not it's not the most common thing and so it's not like the flag gets raised all the time when this happens and so yeah again patience and allowing I would call it appropriate use of your anger right there can be very inappropriate use of anger that doesn't make change um and that anger is often a part of grief and using it in a way that can leverage change without hurting people or burning somebody you know and firing someone and attacking and all that kind of stuff um can really help whether that's again in your unit system or the medical system

Channel: The Waiting Warriors - Michelle Bowler

Views: 119

Keywords: military couple, military deployment, military hospital, military advocacy, military kid, military loss, military stillborn, stillborn, stillbirth, couple's grieving, grieving during a deployment, army couple, navy couple, marine couple, air force couple, coast guard couple, national guard couple, space force couple

Id: q6pB3kj_rxY

Length: 37min 56sec (2276 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 04 2024