Living With #OCD | Samantha Pena | TEDxYouth@TCS

[Music] when I was eight years old my parents took my brother and me to the circus well they waited in line for tickets we played on the wheelchair ramp handlebars like they were monkey bars we like to climb and hang from them but my brother and I didn't always get along and we ended up getting into a small argument he shoved me into the handle bar my left shoulder hit the bar but my automatic reaction wasn't a feeling of physical pain it was a feeling of loss in my right arm I could feel that my left arm was cold from the metal and sore from the impact but none of that was in my right arm I was unbalanced I was uncomfortable my heart start to be faster and my chest start to tighten I needed the feelings in my left arm to exist in my right so I got up and I ran myself into that bar this time making sure to hit it with my right arm but embarrassingly I ran too quickly I hit the bar too hard so I got up again and this time I made sure to hit it with my left arm it was hard to ensure that my arms felt exactly the same so I had to run into that bar multiple times which left me with bruises so severe that I had to go to physiotherapy when I was a child I deduced that everything with respect to one's body needed to be symmetrical if I touch something with my left hand I automatically assumed I needed to repeat that action with my right if this need for balance didn't come forth I believed bad things would follow I am not exactly sure what these bad things were but I knew I was never willing to wait to find out I'll explain what this feels like it's like being underwater for an extended period of time you're holding your breath and it's scary and without even thinking about it your body naturally tells you that bad things will happen if you stay underwater your body tells you to fight to get out of that situation that's the way my body felt every time I touched something asymmetrically this feeling is not desirable so I always touch things to for even eight times if necessary this should have been an obvious indicator that I was different but just like breathing I honestly thought everyone did these things I didn't even tell my parents I did these things I thought nothing of my childish games that sought symmetry and relief just like younger Samantha who was clearly unaware of her disorder society often misinterprets the true meaning of OCD I have searched the hashtag OCD on Instagram and here are just a few examples of what you can find OCD is an organized closet OCD is an adjective you can use to describe the level of clean you can have your car apparently OCD is also aesthetically appealing organized M&M candies sometimes people can even be OCD ish and this last one is my personal favorite Instagram now diagnosis people OCD in posts like this make me cringe what is OCD really OCD is obsessive compulsive disorder it's one of many anxiety disorders and it all starts with the obsessions the obsessions are the recurring uncomfortable thoughts and worries that lead to the compulsions the compulsions are in response to those obsessions attempting to satisfy them and it becomes a disorder when your obsessions and compulsions take up so much of your time that you're unable to move through your day normally I have obsessive-compulsive disorder my OCD manifests itself in a number of ways but the three main concepts that I wrangle with are symmetry perfectionism and time management the symmetry theory that I developed as a child has followed me to date to this day I am still terrified that bad things will happen if my interactions with objects occur in an asymmetrical manner I spend a good portion of my time touching things twice or avoiding touching things at all ideally I'd be able to go through the day touching nothing this need for symmetry often moves beyond the physical and takes shape within my mind as well while walking on city streets or even within my own home I avoid the lines on the ground because I believe I can feel them beneath my feet there is nothing scarier than the grout between the kitchen and bathroom tiles conveniently I get to stand up here walking around on a carpet I avoid door handles because the cold metal sensation takes a lot for me to recuperate from anytime I'm itchy I'm really twice as Ichi anytime anyone Pat's me on the back or shakes my hand I have to fix it any sort of physical encounter requires a great deal of remediation an average day for me means avoiding 32 different sections of lines on the ground 60 fixes for anytime anyone touches me or bumps into me mentally preparing for a hundred and twenty for door handles 270 casual encounters anytime I have to touch something in 420 itches in total that's 906 obsessive compulsive thoughts that occur within one day and that's only symmetry-related I'm also a perfectionist growing up I spent hours ensuring that my binders were nothing short of a perfectly color-coded textbook I had a number of very specific that needed to be followed just a few included all notes from one subject must be taken in a minimum of two colors notes must appear aesthetically balanced the handwriting the pen and the paper must remain the same for the entire year absolutely no food stains no grease stains no creases no crinkles and in subjects where as possible notes should be retyped at home I was always developing new rules for myself and in the ninth grade I decided that the best way to have a consistent binder was to have typed notes but I didn't have a laptop so I took handwritten notes in class I came home and I typed my notes out on a desktop I printed them and I put them in my binder and if at any point these notes became creased or crinkled which of course they did I would take them out of my binder place them on my mother's ironing board and iron them I spent hours doing this if at any point I looked down at my binders and I didn't see perfection my heart would instantly begin to be faster my chest would tighten I was so anxious that it hurt it was easier to deal with my binders than to live with my own anxiety but then I started University in University you don't have time to type up your notes or iron them so I stopped taking them which as you can imagine had an adverse effect on my grades but it doesn't end there I also spend a great deal of my time on time management related OCD I always mentally prepare for my day I always have a plan I even plan to plan my next plan whenever I have work to do I look at the number of tasks I have to do the number of days I have to do it in take one from the number of days - of course a lot for err divide the number of tasks by this new number of days and bam I have a perfectly balanced week with proportionate amounts of work for every day conveniently I have a degree in mathematics so these minor daily calculations are fairly trivial however I often find myself in situations where I am incredibly anxious because I don't know where my day is going to lead me life doesn't always go as planned the large theme within my OCD grab Tate's towards balance it's fundamental in my symmetry my perfectionism and in the way organized my day now you may be asking yourselves why or how does this add any real value or meaning into my everyday life the need to DoubleTap items myself and even unfortunately other people can truly be seen as a disadvantage and while there are moments in my life that I would definitely agree with you there is an overall understanding within me that life has a need for balance too often I hear people refer to OCD casually as a joke or as a deficiency OCD keeps me balanced how many people can say they live a balanced life I can assure you this need for balance is not something that I came up with for the convenience of this talk its prominent throughout many cultures and traditions Aristotle defined a healthy life as one with a balanced soul with neither excesses nor deficiencies in life we all rely on balance to help ground us to help make important decisions my manifestation of balance is no doubt a compulsion to satisfy my disorder but it does construct a mental model within me one that guides me to lead a healthy life growing up I maintained my work in such a way that would ensure balance and consistency I rewrote notes yes this took a lot of extra time and energy but it was so beneficial to my learning repetition is generally a study tactic that teachers advise students to do something my disorder forced me to do making me naturally a good student again rewriting retyping notes lots of time lots of energy but it speaks to my fundamental nature I believe everything I do and produce is a direct reflection of me so I always try my best I habitually give a hundred and ten percent but at some point as I said my best stopped making sense in university I did stop taking notes but then my dad gave me an iPad I learned to take handwritten notes on an iPad my notes were never crinkled or creased they never had food or grease stains on them and if I needed to I could print these notes this changed my life this is a skill I've been able to share with students colleagues and friends students have different learning needs and for some of them the use of an iPad is beneficial I have helped a number of different students adapt their learning to use an iPad as their primary note-taking device but more importantly through my OCD I learned to be adaptable and open to new ideas my need to equally distribute my work week may be quirky but it's healthy I regularly have time for work leisure and exercise over the years I've strongly minimized doing last-minute work as the thought of an impending deadline gives me increased levels of anxiety which generally means I produce better work I often hear the expression I work better under pressure I have OCD I am literally always under pressure OCD has given me so many positives but when I went to the doctor's for help they immediately offered me medication and I strongly thought about taking it but then I realized that so much of me is rooted in my OCD that I didn't want to get rid of it I just wanted to handle it better and ideally one day embrace it all of my ambition and my intensity comes from my OCD and I need that to be successful society and its need to normalize everyone is an attempt to create a standard we should all fit into one that I just don't fit into it's disheartening to think that anxiety disorders are seen as exclusively negative as a community we are becoming addicted to quick fixes like drugs and we are not taking the time to appreciate the benefits of these conditions I said no to drugs and said yes to CBT cognitive behavior therapy I am NOT here to say that anti-anxiety medication is unacceptable I just felt that I would have lost a small piece of me if I had taken it doctors have told me I have an obsessive-compulsive disorder but I prefer to call it an obsessive-compulsive advantage thank you [Applause] you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 800,187

Rating: 4.850502 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Canada, Life, Behavior, Brain, Cognitive science, Disability, Health, Identity, Illness, Mental health, Personal growth, Self-help, Social Media

Id: btO3kE2RrEY

Length: 13min 56sec (836 seconds)

Published: Fri May 29 2015