Living with FASD: Myles Himmelreich

you my name is Malcolm Reich and I talk to you guys today and share a little bit about my life story and talk to you guys about FASD my mom Shirley powder was born on a reserve in Colleen Lake just past Edmonton and she moved from there in her 20s to BC and Alberta was moving all around she ended up coming to Calgary when she was in her early 20s she came here with her brother and she's living in Calgary and it's pretty much on the streets and was having a pretty rough life so she was hanging out with people that weren't necessarily the best people to be hanging out with and I got caught up in a lot of things she gave birth to two boys first was Harry and then a year after that was Mike and then a few a couple of years after that she gave birth to Terry and then she also later on had two other daughters Jennifer and Jessica within the first couple months of Terry being born he was in hospital with a key failure to thrive he wasn't eating or drinking pretty much just didn't want to be alive I had a lot of ear infections and it was quite sick he was in and out of the hospital for the first few months and would return back home was surely social services became involved because they were worried about the children and how they were being taken care of they started to apprehend the children and put them into foster homes and then eventually returning the children back to Shirley this happened quite frequently at one point the social worker came over for a home visit with Shirley and found that Harry and Mike were taking care of Terry and so they apprehended the children again and put them into a foster home and by this time Terry himself had been about seven foster homes and he was about only two and a half years old the social worker contacted a foster family in Calgary Brian and Christine and we're speaking with Christine and said we have a young boy here who we'd like to know if you'd like to care for him long-term and she said yes brian was still at work so he didn't even know so it was a bit of a surprise when he got home that there was another baby in the house Brian and Christine had two of their own biological children and another child that they adopted who at the time had FA e feed alcohol effects and so they were told that you know Terri also had feet all-call effects from his mom drinking they weren't told about all the problems and trouble that he had been through he was only two-and-a-half years old had already been through many different foster homes and it was quite sick and so being through all those foster homes in that short amount of time Terri started to get you know attachment disorder because it's a little hard to get attached to anybody if you're only with them for a week or two and so it was pretty rough life already starting for this young boy after they him likes Brian and Christina at had miles I'm sorry Terri for a few months they decided that they wanted to adopt him and so they went to court and there's a court battle between the hemorrhoids and Terry's biological family they felt that Terry should either returned home to his mother or go live on the reserve with his family they thought that he should be raised by his people and and that going to live with the him rikes wasn't a good place because it was a white Mormon family and he was a young native boy so this continued on and there's people from the reserve there was Brian Christine social workers but the one person who wasn't there was Shirley Terry's mom sometimes she had her boyfriend show up and sometimes there was nobody so a judge eventually decided that Brian and Christine were the best place for Terry to go live and during that same time Brian and Christine decided that to go with his new family Terry needed a new name so they asked him if he'd like to change his name and he said yes and they so what would you like it to be and he said he man but that was already taken so so he said how about smiles and that's how they came up with the name miles so my name was changed from Terry powder to Myles Tarrant stuff on him or Ike moved into the Hamrick home and it was nice to actually have a home that you know there's a mom a dad a family that was there for more than a week or two and and so I starting to settle down a bit but it was still hard because you still have a lot of issues from all the stuff that I went through as a young child and Mike's like I said we're a Mormon family and they had a lot of good church family values so we did a lot of things together as a family and and that really helped for me to feel comfortable and kind of bring me in to their family like I said they had two older children Laura and carry their biological children and then another child named Kathleen who they adopted they've fostered for over 30 years and have had over 70 children in and out of their home we have 11 children in the family and nine of us are adopted and all nine have been adopted have a disability Down syndrome my talk dystrophy FASD many different disabilities and so we grew up you know just just learning to work with each other and not really realizing that you know this child has special needs or anything like that I was just learning to work with each other and and pretty much just loving each other for what we could do my family was very supportive and understanding and I went to elementary school and for me Elementary was just going and playing on the playground and having fun and spending time with friends at an early age probably about grade one they are starting to see signs of my learning disability so I was doing a lot of tests for speech and hearing and spelling and so by the end of grade one I went into the school counselor's office with my parents and and they explained to me that you know we think it would be helpful for you if you did another year in grade one and I thought it was just because the teacher liked me so much she wanted me for another year so I was like okay sure I'll stay for another year for her you know so I was already thinking the young age I already had the women so this was a good thing but so I continued on through elementary about three three I went into an LD class learning disabilities class and one of the classes that they had for the LD program was in a trailer next to the school and so the kids would go into that trailer for their classes and stuff and and kids I don't understand how the kids can start to make fun of them and and this was what was happening with the kids in the LD class we're already getting made fun of and called little dummies and you know stupid and stuff like that and and here kids could you know see that we were different because we were going into a different class so I made it quite difficult and and I still was you know bit of an aggressive child from what I'd been through and so I tend to get into a lot of fights trying to stick up for myself or stick up for the other kids in my class I didn't realize that you know you're not supposed to fight it's a bad thing because in my eyes I was just you know trying to stand up for what I thought was you know protecting myself for my friends continued on through school and still just thought that you know I was just having fun than spending time with friends but I was starting to you know have problems with the schoolwork and and there was a lot of different tests that I was doing to help me with my learning and help work on ways to you know figure out how I could better understand these schoolwork I remember that my parents bride and Kristina taught us all this children were told you know you're adopted this is where your family's from and and this is the disability that you have and and so they explained it to us which was good you know they never hid anything from us or never lied to us but at that time like I said it was called FA e there's fetal alcohol effects and FAS defeated all-call syndrome and because I didn't have the physical features as much I was categorized as having f AE fetal alcohol effects so Brian and Christine you know explain this to me that you know you you have what's called food alcohol effects and this is what causes some of the problems for you with learning and so I thought if I could remember what it was that I had then maybe I can explain to people and you know and they they would you know be able to understand me better so one day while I was doing some school work the guidance counselor she asked me she said so what do you think some of the problems are coming from you know that you're you're not being able to understand some of this stuff and I thought to myself that okay I know this it's three letters my mom said the other day and I was all excited because I was gonna be able to explain I'm like three letters it was I have I have PMS but it wasn't wasn't that it was FA II but for me that's all it was it was three letters it didn't really make sense to me what they meant or exactly how that was affecting my learning I just couldn't put the two together I continued on through elementary school and you know I was just the funny hyper kid all the time and stuff and went into junior high and junior high was pretty tough for anybody because you're trying to fit in you know you want to be the cool guy the pretty girl and and that's what I wanted well not the pretty girl but I want to be the cool guy and and so I I just want to fit in and and you know here I was having problems fitting in with the kids you know and I couldn't fit in in the school in the classroom either because the learning problems I was having it and so I started to you know really realize that things are different for me I would hang out with friends outside of school and and I started to get known as the weird funny guy and it was hard because I do things that I didn't know why I did them or act ways that I was like why to act like that or say that and and then I go to school and I won't be able to do the school work we'd work on a math problem for two hours in the LD class and then I take the 15 minute walk home and by the time I got home I forgot how to do the problem solving that I had worked on all day and so I'd sit down with my dad and he was an architect so he was pretty good at math and he'd explained to me that this is how you solved a problem and he was explaining a totally different way than my teacher explained for me to me for like those last two hours so I didn't understand a word he was saying so I couldn't do the school work and I'd I'd get upset and frustrated and throw down the books and you know storm off to my room and say I'm not doing this is stupid and my dad and my mom would be upset and think well you know you're not going to do it then you know why are we trying to help you and and so I wouldn't do the school work and then I would take it back to school the next day and a teacher had asked for me to turn in you know or our homework and and I'd have nothing to turn in and so I started getting labels I started being labeled as being lazy and I didn't care and it was a lot easier to start accepting those labels because if I didn't accept those labels I would have had to stand up class and said you know I'm not able to do this because part of my brain doesn't work for me to remember these things due to my mother you know taking alcohol during her pregnancy like what kids gonna stand up and say that for me if I were to stand up and say anything I'd be standing up and saying on I'm stupid and I can't do this work and I didn't want to do that so it was a lot easier to say okay yeah I'm lazy and I don't care Wow I'll go with that if that's what you think so I was having problems with that but at the same time too I was starting to have problems with getting to school on time I didn't matter how early I got up you know if I got prepared the night before I still was having problems getting there on time and so I get to school and I'd have to go to the office and get a late slip and so I spent a lot of time in the office whether it was for not doing my homework or for being late there are some days I went straight to the office and they'd say what are you doing here and I'd just say you know thought I'd save everybody time come here now but it was it was hard and I didn't I didn't know exactly what to do or how to to make everything change or you know to fit in that's all I really wanted to do was fit in so I started to kind of act up as a class clown and at least that way people thought you know I was just being funny and he doesn't care and he's just goofing around and so I started doing that and then one of the classes I had with social studies and and I was doing a scantron test where you have to shade in ABCD and you put it in the machine and the teacher at the time had the machine in the classroom so you'd put it in and every question that you got wrong you'd hear beep and so we'd line up and we put our sheets in and I put mine in and bbbbbb I'm like oh oh ha ha and everyone's kind of laughing I'm like great so um so I felt you know pretty stupid I was like oh I can't do this I don't know how to do this and and so sometimes I didn't even get the test done in time because I couldn't read it properly or understand it and even if I did I still got a lot of it wrong so I started to realize that you could shade in that dad cab ACDC and so I started shading that in and I told the other kids what I did and so they thought it was pretty funny and and you know not only was it funny but I always got the test done in time and sometimes I got a higher score by doing that you know so I was finding a way to kind of overshadow the fact that I was having these problems and not be able to understand it I still was feeling you know really alone and not you know be know to explain you know the things I was going through I would try to explain things to my parents but I wouldn't fully be able to say it like I would say well I don't understand why I can't figure out the answer to the question you know and it's it's it's right there but I just can't figure it out and my parents would say well how are we supposed to know you know I don't know what you're asking and see the ads right I won't I don't know what the answer is but I want to explain to them that I'm talking about math you know in my head I said I don't understand how to find the answer to the math question but I wasn't able to verbalize it properly so it was very hard for my parents to help and support me because I couldn't verbalize what I was thinking and then it was hard for me because I was thinking it and getting frustrated because they weren't understanding me and so it made it quite difficult at home when it came to school working and then at school too I'd be sitting at the desk and the teacher be at the front of the desk speaking and and you'd have the fluorescent lights on the tiles in the classroom and they be flickering and for me they're tapping me on the shoulder saying miles look at me you look at me you know and then you have somebody tapping their pen and for me it's very loud and and then somebody's walking up and down the hallway by the door that's in front of the classroom and so they're distracting me and and so there's all the sensory stuff going on you know my clothes are bugging me and and I'd be looking straight at the teacher and she'd say so what's the answer and I'd say I don't know and she'd say well you know maybe if you paid attention or you're listening then you would know and as I've you know been doing these talks and stuff I've been able to look back and understand you know this is why I didn't know but at the time I couldn't explain it and I I didn't understand why I would be able to look at her and not have any idea what she was talking about and so I just sit there and kind of take it that yeah okay I guess I don't know when I guess I wasn't listening and so so it was um it was hard in school and hard at home not not understanding or not knowing how to explain it to people what I was going through but at the same time too is hard for me they say that FASD is the the invisible disability because when people look at someone with FASD usually they can't see that that person has a disability if somebody has a hearing disability you can see a hearing aid you know somebody with vision impairments might have seen eye dog or a walking cane and I don't have anything that you know says I have a disability I am couldn't figure out how to explain that to people because I can figure it out for myself when I looked in the mirror I didn't see anything to say yeah you know the disability this is why you can't learn and why you're struggling you know I just looked in the mirror and saw this really good-looking guy and so so it was hard for me to explain it but the hard part also was sitting at home by myself in my room and trying to think why do I do the things I did why can't I figure out the simplest things and why can't I remember things it just felt like there was something missing you know something that everyone else seemed to have that I just I didn't have and I'm like if I can figure out what that thing is then maybe I could complete myself and and I would be able to figure it all out and and all this problems and disability that I have would go away and I'd be okay like I said my parents always explained to us children where we came from and and a bit about our biological families and stuff and and I'd seen my two younger brothers a few times when I was younger in elementary school and I remember that they lived on a farm and we spent some time together and remember them asking me if they could call me Terry because that's how they knew me it hasn't I was like yeah you know and I felt really good to have these brothers and and I remember being so happy when I got to see them and so I thought maybe you know if I get to meet my my biological mom Shirley then maybe you know she can answer these questions for me and and help me figure everything out and so I remember I was sitting sitting in my bedroom and kind of looking out the window thinking to myself you know what would I say to my mom and I wrote this poem it's called the sons plea Mommy keep me home today mommy I don't want to go out and play I'm not like the rest out there I don't fit in it's not fair I may not be able to read or write I may not be able to tell the difference between day and night I laugh I cry I have hopes and dreams because I may be a little slower nobody cares or least that's how it seems shelter me from this cruel world and hold me tight mommy keep me safe and tell me you'll be all right my mother's reply my angel I can't keep you sheltered from all the pain out there it's like a horrible illness that floats through the air I love you my angel so I must let you go I love you my angel so I must let you grow you very well may stumble along the way and you'll find out that it's not always okay my angel I once made a mistake when you're about a baby inside of me but I promise you I'll never make mistake like that again because I want you to be all you can be I smile when I see you laugh I cry when I see I thank God every day for you my angel you're the best I've ever had every angel has to work hard to get their wings every angel has to do very special and meaningful things your heart and determination are what helps replace the tears with the smile on my face my angel their wings will be the ones to raise this world to a better place I continued on going through junior high having some Astros as having with the learning but I started to realize there was some things that I was pretty good at and that was doing sports and drama and so I I really enjoyed drama class because I could be myself I could be free and I could act and have fun and it came came pretty easy to me and then I also enjoyed doing sports because I felt you know when I was writing or playing basketball or volleyball you know I was free and and there was nothing you know to judge me you know to say well you can't do it because you're not going to remember how to do this so do that you know and it was something that just came naturally to me so I felt good and I felt you know kind of empowered by these things because I was able to do them and so I started going out for different teams like volleyball and basketball and track and field but sometimes there was problems because I didn't get my schoolwork done I wasn't able to go play at the games and so because I didn't get the schoolwork done in the first period or the homework for the night before you know four or five hours later after school coach would be saying he can't play tonight and looking back I can understand why you know I can put the two together but at the time I couldn't it was I did something here and I'm being punished over here now it doesn't make sense and for me it was your taking away the one thing in me that makes me feel normal you know and that I fit in and it was hard because I'm like this is the only time that I'm me and I can do good and that was being taken away from me and it was hard so I continued on with doing the sports and then Tehama and that seemed to really help especially with my grades and stuff like I went through junior high and ended up graduating from there and so I was really starting to you know think that I don't know what what I'm gonna do in life or where I'm gonna go and you know because grade 9 people are starting to talk about you know I'm gonna go to high school and then I'm gonna go to this college or this university and stuff and I didn't know I just figured I'll just try to get through junior high and then try to get through high school I didn't have any you know major plans I hope to be in the NBA but I knew that was a long shot so I figured you know I'll just see where life goes but it was hard because I just didn't didn't really see you know all these dreams and visions that all these other kids seem to have so I continued on through junior high and graduated from there and I went on to the summer before high school and I was playing basketball during that sound with some friends at the basketball courts by my house and it was good because I was starting to feel pretty good about myself because I was playing with these guys and like I said I was pretty good at basketball so I was fitting in and and that felt good I didn't have any other the wear ease or problems that I had had throughout that school year and so I was enjoying myself and there was a few guys on the basketball court that were talking about these new guys I just moved into the neighborhood and that they're pretty good and so I was like okay well we'll see you know how good these guys are when they come on my court and so they showed up and one was six foot five and another six foot four and I was like okay so I decided well you know why do I just become friends with them instead so so we started talking and hanging out and playing basketball together and it was going good I was enjoying joining having their friendship one day they brought some friends with them from the reserve they're from Saskatchewan and they said well we're gonna do is have you know all the natives against the rusty guys and so we divided up and everyone went to one side and they went to the other and I went over to the side where they were and they said oh no sorry Martha Lords we have the natives on this side you can play on our team next time and I said oh I am native matey I'm half French and half Korean like only a Creole right well no come on Ian brother and so all of a sudden I'm their brother I'm like oh okay sure so I was like well you know at least they're accepting me this is this is good so so we started playing basketball more together and stuff and so why don't you come over to our house you know we just live a couple blocks away and and so I didn't went there and we hung out for a couple days and one weekend as at their house and they said well one of us just going up to the liquor store to get some beer do you want anything and so I was like oh yeah sure sure I gave him $20 I said well just get me whatever and I'd never drank before and so I was like you have to get whatever and so he came back and he had a two litre cooler and I took the two litre cooler and didn't ask for any change back because I didn't know how much it cost or whatever and drank half of it and you know passed out and woke up a couple hours later and sat up and they were still there drinking playing card games and stuff and they're laughing at me they're like hey lightweight you know you don't drink much I was like oh I was just really tired his long day and like yeah sure so so I drank the other half of the bottle and I must've been really tired because I passed out again and and so this was you know the beginning of you know what we started to do pretty much every day drinking and playing basketball and I went through that summer and a lot of the weekends were partying and just drinking and stuff like that and so I started to you know come home late for for my curfew and started to get in fights with my parents and I felt you know like a lot of kids do at that age that they didn't know anything and I didn't need them and and they pulled the whole you know if you're gonna live under our house you know and be our rules and everything and so so we're getting them fights and arguments and and I really didn't care because I was being accepted you know and and these people cared about me and they're my friends and one of my parents no they don't care about me and so we came to a mutual agreement that I should leave home so I moved out and school started up and so I was going to grade ten as going to school that concentrate a lot more on vocational stuff rather than you know academics it did a lot of things with cars like mechanics and there's daycare and hairdressing and art stuff there and so I was doing pretty good with that stuff because I learned best hands-on by doing the things as I was going so I was doing just doing good there and and I had my friends and so that was good kind of was losing touch with my family but it didn't really matter cuz at least I had my friends and and one night I was out with one of my friends and and at that point I was just pretty much just surfing I didn't really have any order to live I just had a bag of clothes and pretty much going from one place to another and not really stayin anywhere I was at a friend's house and he came downstairs I said well sir you can't stay here tonight my mom doesn't want anyone spending the night so he said I'll sneak out a sleeping bag though so he brought me up this sleeping bag and I went down the hill to the park and it was a winter time so I cleared off the snow and you know slept in the park that night got up the next day and drop off the sleeping bag and went to school end up getting sick who would have thought sleeping in snow would get you sick but um it's not enough getting sick but continued on to that school for a little while and eventually got called into the principal's office and was given this piece of paper from the principal explaining that I was being asked to leave the school because I hadn't paid for my school fees or my school books and I couldn't pay for them because I wasn't working because I was going to school and you know obviously my parents weren't gonna pay because I wasn't living at home and so so I thought okay well great now I can't go to school and it was hard for me because it was the first time in school I was actually doing well and I felt comfortable and I felt good because my grades were good and I was doing good in the classroom and I was starting to make some friends at school and and here's other kids in that same school that you know we're doing drugs we're getting in fights with teachers were drinking during class you know and yet they got to stay in school and here I was pretty much homeless getting to school every day doing my work but yet I was been asked to leave and so I I started to really feel that you know what I guess school isn't what I'm supposed to do you know it's not it's not gonna work for me and I can't do it sir - you really think that whatever I would get close something or you know it would start to work I'd lose it you know and and it's hard because that's all I wanted I just wanted somebody to be there for me somebody to care about me somebody loved me and it seemed like every time things would go good for a bit I would lose it so I started to get the attitude of I didn't care you know I'm gonna lose it eventually anyways and you know life's not working out I left school and I went on to get a few jobs and I worked one of the jobs was at a little Caesars pizza place and so I go in and and I I was doing pretty good there as making the pizza so I'd roll out the dough and put on the toppings and spin it and drop it on the floor and dust it off and put it back and you know cook it up and you know but it was it was for me was the first time that I started to understand for myself that routine a repetition one of the best things for me if I did the same thing over and over then I knew how to do it and I started to realize that but I didn't fully process it you know and and that's also to why I did good at sports was because I knew how to do the certain same moves up basketball and stuff like this because I played it so much but here for work you know I was feeling good because I was working and giving money and stuff like that so I was like okay this is good and at the end of the night I would clean up and sweep and organize and stuff like that and then they'd give me pizza to take with me so I had some food I had money and and I was just staying at different people's houses and their basements and stuff and so so it was it was okay ended up being asked to start taking foreign orders - for people that would make delivery calls and so I'd get on the phone and they would ask you know I want a large Hawaiian and I started out problems with it because there's a change in my routine you know and I couldn't remember all the toppings or all the combos and the price is or you know and then I'd remember the address and it was a lot to remember and so I wasn't able to understand it all and again looking back now I wish I could have said can we tape up the menu beside the phone or can we do this different or can I just stay in the back and make the pizza cuz somebody has to do it and somebody has to clean and I don't mind doing that but I didn't know how to ask for that at the time so I kept messing up the orders and have my boss to get upset at me and I'd feel you know again stupid that I couldn't do it so I went home and I didn't show up for work for a couple days and eventually the my boss got hold of me a friend's house I was staying at and and told me you know you don't come into work today don't bother coming back and I figured you know fine I won't then so I just didn't go back and didn't call him or anything like that and again it was a lot easier to take the label of being lazy and didn't care and be able to say I'm too stupid to answer a phone and I just I didn't want to face that I just didn't want to admit to that because that's what I felt inside by that time I started to hear a little bit more about what FASD was you know and I started to hear things like you know you won't be able to maintain a job there's school have friends live independently you know and and you know have have a family and stuff like this and and I started to think that that stuff was too because all that things all those things I had heard were coming to be for me you know I didn't finish school and and you know I couldn't do work you know but but at least I had my my friends continued on you know drinking and partying with my friends and it got to the point where I was drinking every day I'd wake up in the morning first thing I do is grab a beer you know and drink throughout the whole day and then at night you know party with my friends and get drunk but then it started to change these friends that I hung out with there would be days that they would call and say hey do you want to hang out want to bring over some beer I'd say okay and we'd hang out and then they called next day and say hey da money you know bring over some beer at say oh I don't have any money but you want to hang out actually no I'm kind of busy you know and started to you know go the point where I was just their friend if I had alcohol you know if I bought the alcohol over then I could I could hang out with them a lot of the people I was hanging out with at the time where we're having struggles in their own lives you know with their own parents and their families in school and stuff like that and a lot of them weren't in school anymore and so there was this house that we all started kind of hanging out at and and staying in the basement there and and you know and they started a few of them started to do drugs I'll get in smoking pot and everything and and I tried pot but I didn't like it I just I was like oh it just makes me quiet and you know I don't talk that much my friends like me doing it but because I was quiet and didn't talk that much but you know I was just like oh it's nothing that I really enjoy or whatever and so I would just drink a lot and started to get to a point where I was drinking by myself and I drink all day and then I started to try to attend a few different life skills programs and they'd go good for a while you know usually there are three to six months long and and I do OK at it you know and and then I'd finish the program and you know try to go get a job what work or you know I try to do something but it always seemed to fail and I couldn't understand it and I again was still not really caring why I just figured you know I just can't do this it's not gonna work I said earlier that I had always you know thought that finding my family you know might be the thing that would help me if I could talk to my mom and stop it and so when I was 18 you know I started thinking about finding my family and you know and then hopefully I'll be able to connect with them and so it took about a year of working with the adoption agency and doing all this paperwork and stuff and finally one of the workers that I had through native services suggested that I write a little blurb in the newspaper saying you know this is who I was this is who I'm looking for and so I did that and about a week later I received a call and it was my brother Harry who was in Lethbridge and he said that he had just finished attending a meeting and was in a coffee shop reading the paper and he'd come across the article and so we were talking and I was excited I was pretty happy he said to me that you know why don't I come to a Calgary and we can meet up and spend some time together I said yeah that sounds great so he called a day or two later he said sorry you know I I wasn't able to get on the bus I end up partying and I think of all that a class must what really well didn't it but you know so I was like okay no that's fine he said but you know Allah I'll get on the bus tomorrow and you know I'll hit down to Calgary and we can spend some time together I said okay so again call a day or two later same story sorry miss wife boss sighs party and it's continued on for a little while and eventually he called and he said yeah sorry you know but tomorrow tomorrow I'm coming I said don't worry about it I said what you don't want me to come and I said yeah I do but I bought the ticket I'm going to come let bridge and see you and I was all excited like I said with all the struggles and everything I had going on growing up I always just wanted somebody loved me I felt that if I can find that that thing you know fix me it would be great and I thought well maybe this is it maybe finding my family will be the one thing that'll change everything and and growing up I'd always had a picture of going up these apartment stairs turning to the right going in the door and there'd be my mom my dad my two brothers and my two little sisters I knew of and there would be a spot in the middle and I'd go stand in that spot and you know be like ready for the picture to be taken and and everything would be great and I'd always had this picture in my head so that day when I was talking to my brother and I said you know I'm coming to lethbridge to see you he told me he's like oh that would be great you know I said we can talk about the family and stuff he's like yeah it'll be good and I was 19 at the time and I had this picture in my head for about it was 16 or so years and they said to me he's like yeah we can talk about the families well you know your mom's dead your dad got killed in jail I said what I said yeah your mom's dead and your dad got killed in jail and I said oh okay said well I guess I'll see you tomorrow he's like all right yeah and I hung up the phone and I didn't know how to take it there's sixteen years you know or so of this dream and all these years of thinking this this was gonna be the thing that was going to change it and fix it all was now gone you know and so I went over to my friends house and I got drunk and caught the bus next morning and went to left bridge and met my brother and I just hung out left bridge and partied all the time that's all we did ended up meeting one of my other brothers and he had huge addiction issues also and so you know we spend some time together you know but it wouldn't be very long you know it's only be ten minutes and hanging out together and he'd asked me for money and if I didn't have money he had some reason or some excuse that he had to leave and he did this even the first time we met you know he left within the first half-hour because I didn't have $20 to give them and so so it was hard because when I was working with the adoption agencies and trying to find my family and stuff nobody ever told me that it may not be as great and wonderful and you know butterflies and rainbows like you think it's gonna be I just figured that I'd find my family and because we're family you'd automatically come together I didn't realize that you know they'd been through stuff and they'd grown up different so that was gonna make it harder for us to come together and end up finding a few other brothers and sisters I didn't know I had and to date we have I believe 9 or 10 siblings that I didn't know about and so so it was pretty big family so over the next couple years I met some of the family and we'd all been split up at a young age the two brothers grew up with my mom and you know got into addiction issues at a very very young age and my two sisters one was taken out of town the other one was raised in foster homes and summarized NBC Edmonton you know all over the all over counter all over Canada and so we eventually started to come together and meet each other but again it was hard because we just didn't click and some of them unfortunately don't have contact with each other anymore I'm still in contact with most of them but there's a few I haven't seen in about three or four years delivered on the streets we don't know where they are so it's it makes it hard it makes it difficult because this is supposed to be your family I continued on you know being with my so-called friends and meeting my family and and one night when I was with my friends were we're in their basement we're drinking and I remember thinking to myself that you know I'm gonna do something big you know I'm gonna change the world you know and I just remember thinking this and having this feeling inside me but I couldn't tell that to anybody because if I'd stood up then and said I'm gonna change the world they would have said yeah Cheers change the world whatever you know nobody would have believed it because I myself couldn't believe it at the time I was like I can't even keep a job how am I gonna do something big or do something great and so I had a lot of self-doubt and it was weird because during that time too I started to again kind of be like when I was a little baby with the whole key failure to thrive I just I didn't want to live I couldn't understand any purpose to why I was alive and it was such a battle inside myself that you're gonna do something big but yet you can't do anything at all you know and I was like it just doesn't make sense why I'm here I was in and out of quite a few relationships with girls throughout those years and a lot of times there was girls that I'd met at the house parties and so I thought you know if I meet a girl then she's gonna pick me up and change my life and you know everything will be great you know and chill she'll love me and care for me and because that's just that's what I want and that's what I need is somebody to love me and of course these girls I was picking up at the parties a lot of times had the same issues and had the same thought process of I'm gonna meet some guy he's gonna love me and you know pick me up and changed my life and everything and you know if you have all these struggles and these two people meet it doesn't work out you know it wasn't gone into a lot of arguments and just relationships were bad and you know I think we could do together was drink you know and like it only lasts for so long so a lot of times relationships weren't too good or very fun at all I had at one point a girlfriend and she ended up getting pregnant and I thought the child was mine ended up that the child wasn't mine but I was so happy thinking that maybe I was gonna have a baby you know and that was gonna you know I'd have a baby to love me you know and again it was another time of me just reaching out saying okay somebody's gotta love me I need somebody to love me I knew that Brian and Christine and him right family you know Brian a Christine who I take as my parents that's my mom and dad I knew they loved me but at the time they weren't there and they and they couldn't be there for me I would go back home and they'd you know have Sunday dinner for me and stuff like that and then there'd be other nights I go then I take it I just spend the night in the basement and they said no you know you can stay here you know and it was hard because I felt like they were you know stepping away from me you know and and it hurt because I'm like I just I just need you to grab my hand and just hold me for a little bit and it just felt like they weren't but I wasn't able to explain that to them that's what I needed so I continued on with these friends and one night I was speaking with my brother and he said you know why don't you end up why don't you move to BC with me at the time he had gone to jail and I was going to start a job I would add a YMCA Camp working with kids I said well at the end of summer why don't you move to BC and we'll get a place together okay and he said I'll be out by then and I was like okay so I went off to the camp and he ended up you know fishing his sentence and went out to BC and the camp was good you know I was working with kids and that was something that was pretty good at from working with all the kids that I had had growing up in the family with my Brian Christine and so I was feeling good you know but I still having a lot of struggles you know with alcohol and and you know feeling depressed and you know alone and everything so I end up you know not doing too good at the job because of those outside problems and so end up going to BC with my brother and I stayed there for about eight months or so and the whole time just pretty much partied I didn't really work don't really do anything was on government assistance and just partied and my brother sold drugs and I didn't really do anything much at all so I ended up moving back to Calgary and was feeling you know this is this is not good I'm not going anywhere in life and just nothing's working for me so I moved back to Calgary and and you know kind of met up with some of those friends again but starting to really realize that these people weren't my friends these are the same people that had at one point jump well not jump me but we went to a gas station to get some stuff and they'd asked me to get some cigarettes and I didn't have any money on me so they didn't believe me and I said I don't have any money I don't have any money so one of them kicked me in the leg and I fell and then they started kicking me in the face and I don't know how long it went on for but I woke up a little while later and dragged myself into the store and I was covered in blood and it's all black and blue and my girlfriend I was working at the store at the time and so we went back into my house where we were living across the street and you know she started to clean me up and stuff and I got to be here just like oh I didn't call the police I said oh no no I went one of my other brothers house who's living here in Calgary and he said do you know who did it I said no I don't know you know they just jumped me and I don't know who it was and you know hung out with him for the day drank with him and then about two days later I was back over at those people's houses drinking with them the same guy that was kicking me in the faces and steel-toe boots I was sitting beside him having drinks I'll same guys that had brought me when I passed out once for five or six hundred dollars and I knew it was them I knew they were doing this stuff but I so badly wanted to be feeling accepted and fit in that I tried to look past all this stuff that at least if they're sitting with me right now then they're letting me be accepted even though they do all this stuff to me and so I'd moved back to Calgary and I am went into another life skills program and thought you know I'll give it a shot see what happens and so I was doing the program and it was a pre-employment programme we're learning about resumes and stuff and so I I was trying to you know get there on time and you know really try to do good at the program at the same time - I decided I needed to kind of distance myself from this group of people and not you know be around them because I knew they weren't my friends and I knew that I needed to stop drinking because I wasn't happy with my life and as we know alcohol is a depressant so I wasn't helping sit at home drinking by myself was a Celine Dion you know it's not gonna make anybody happy but so I figured you know I need to make these changes and so so I started making the changes by going to this life skills program and and by you know starting to not drink and it was hard because it was hard to go home you know at night and not want to go out because I'd been out every night for years and years you know going out and partying and doing this stuff so it's hard to you know stay at this place that I had got this based on see with this roommate and everything and it's hard to stay there and not want to go out and and on the weekends I would you know save myself a cave you know I'll go out for just one drink and you know it was it but it turned into being one after another after another it was never just one drink because I couldn't do it at the time and so so I still going to the program and that was going good and I starting distance myself from these people and so that was going good and ended up doing the program I think was about six months long I graduated it as the first thing that as a you know full program that I had you know fully attended and graduated so I felt pretty good about myself I was like wow they all I'm doing this and and so I went from there on to get a job as volunteering for about a week at a leisure center and they asked you know would you like to work here and I said sure so I started working in the daycare and then I started teaching a preschool class and then I was coaching kids sports as well as doing birthday parties on the weekends and so I thought well let's go I'm pretty good I've got this job and feeling pretty good and I'm getting you know my drinking under control and and I started to fill my weekends with going and playing sports because I realized that sports were healthy outlet for me you know and I was making healthy friends there you know and and so I was finding you know this stuff to you know help my life turn around into a positive way and so I was thinking okay this is good so then I figured you know I'm gonna get my own place now and I've ever really done that and and but I had the money to do it so I thought okay well I'll give it a shot and still at this time you know I had people in my life that you know did care for me but we're saying you know I don't know if we're gonna be able to live independently and you know maybe you should apply for H just in case this whole job thing doesn't work out and you know so so I figured well I'll give it a shot if it doesn't work out and they're right then no big deal you know same story of my life all the time but if it works out how much more awesome is that gonna be so I got my own place and things were going good and I've seen a counselor around that time and I said you know you must feel happy with everything going as good as it is I said well yeah it's it's going okay for now you know and I said I'm just kind of waiting for the other shoe to fall off I said well what do you mean by that I said cuz it always does it doesn't matter what happens in my life you know it end up going bad I said that I have a fear of heights you know in the fact that I'm literally scared of heights but also heights of success and he's like that doesn't make you know a sense be scared to succeed and I said for me you know I would do something good like I graduated you know this program and and now here I've got this job I've got my own place and I'm cleaning up all my drinking I'm getting good friends and you know so I'm building myself up this much higher but up to this point you know I've had this family have lost this family I was going to school I you know failed in school I had these friends I lost these friends you know and every time I got up a little bit I fell so I said can you imagine how much farther down I have to fall now because I'm just much higher up and he said you know you just you really need to enjoy her yeah and I couldn't I couldn't stand back and go doing good you know we're gonna keep doing good I was instead going home and this is scary you know and it was really really hard and scared for me you know but I started to try to you know appreciate some of the steps I had done and I would go to my place and I go out for a walk it you know one in the morning and you know go back to my house and I'd be like wow this is awesome I have my own my own place that I can go to you know and it's my place you know and I have a bed and I have food and I started to collect movies and magazines and stuff and I started you know when I get home might be able to sit down and turn on my TV and put in a movie and I saw these movies that I had and there's books and stuff and I'd sit down on my couch and look and be like this used to all be alcohol this used to be all you know beer bottles and stuff but now it's stuff that's always going to be there and I can see it and you know and I felt good and I was like wow this is this is a good feeling so I continued on working at the leisure center and and I still you know was having some you know slips here and there but not to the point where they used to be you know it wasn't going and drinking for three four or five six days you know I drink for one or two days on the weekend and yeah I'll be like okay okay we got to work on Monday so let's stop here well I was working there it's working with this lady on doing my income taxes and we were talking she said well you know I heard from this other person that you have FASD and I said yeah and said would you mind coming to a conference that I'm running and share your life of living with FASD and I said sure yeah I'll do that so you know a couple weeks before I started writing everything I want to say and how I wanted to present it and and so I stood up I went to her I went to the conference I stood up and there's a crowd of about a hundred or so people and I was pretty nervous I was looking around like oh oh I don't know if I can do this so I looked out the paper and I started reading it word for word you know my name is Wallace her my cause but you know work forward everything and I got lo way through and I looked up and you know just kind of push the paper to the side and started talking because I realized this is my life I knew what I want to say and and even though I didn't know exactly what I was gonna say word for word or how I was gonna say it it just it came out and I did the talk and it went really well and after the talk I had all these feelings I was excited and I was happy and I didn't know how to explain these feelings but I was just like wow this is this is really quite awesome a lady came up to me after the talk and said we're running a program at the University starting up and next month or so would you be interested in coming it's for 16 24 year olds with FASD and we'd like you to be a mentor and I thought okay yeah sure I'll do that just like you know well oh pay you to come once or twice a week and I thought okay sure I'll get paid to sit down with these kids and have coffee yeah okay and that's all I thought it was at the time I was like okay just sit and have coffee and listen to them and you know maybe give them some advice whatever I didn't really think you know much about it or what I would do when I was like okay yeah I could do that so I was working at the leader center and then working there a couple days a week and I started it was speaking with these young adults and kids about you know this is what I've been through this is how I felt and you know and Here I am out doing this you know and and as I sharing the stories of the struggles I had in school and problems I had with my friends you know I could see their eyes that they're like yeah that's it and then they would start sharing things too of that's where I'm at right now is I'm on the streets living with these people in the park and you know they'd show me for my money and you know what I know I'm gonna go hang out with them again today because that's that's all I have and so so I was able to share some of the stuff I'd went through and they were able to relate to it and I continued on doing that program and it really started to see the difference that it was making in their lives for me being there but also for myself because I was learning from them that it was a process that I've been through to get to where I was you know and and I I didn't ever really able to stand back and say okay look where I am now because of what I went through it was all just happening and happening and so working with them I was like wow you know it was helping me a lot to be able to see that you know I had been through a lot and and I went back to see that counselor that I had seen a couple years I said I decided to let you know how things are going and you know I'm feeling really good about everything and this is where I am and I won't say thank you for all your help and he said you know whatever happened with that other shoe fall it off yes I did all the laces came loose but this you never fell off I was like there was times that bumps in the road and I just have to tie the laces back up and keep going because that happens for everybody you know it's all the easy smooth path for anybody and I realized this stuff and he's like wow okay well it's good I'm glad to hear that you're doing well and so I continued working with these kids and ended up going to New Zealand to visit some family and and came back to Calgary and became I was asked to be the facilitator of the program and so I was doing that and then I was also doing the public speaking and that started pick up more and more because as I do it people at that conference would ask me to come do this conference and and so I was really starting to pick up and I was feeling really good about it and I started to realize that you know the thing that I felt inside me that first time I did it was that thing I felt in that beast when all those years ago where I said I'm gonna do something big to help change this world and that's what it was was that I was speaking to people and you know helping them understand things a bit better and helping them you know see things through a different light and I was like wow this this is really happening and so I continued on working with these kids and stated in the program and I sort of realized that I just wanted to be loved I just wanted somebody to be there you know I lost my biological parents I felt that you know there had been a distance between my adoptive parents I felt that I didn't have friends you know I didn't have relationships a I just didn't have somebody there you know and I felt like I always needed somebody else to love me and as I was doing these things I started to realize that you know look at what you've been through you know you we ought to work on your addiction issues you've been able to work on homelessness built to work on all this stuff you know to still be alive and have the strength to do what you're doing and I started to realize that I loved who I was and I loved what I was doing and that was it I was like wow I have to love myself before I can let anyone else love me I was so scared of people coming in my life and leaving because it happened so much that those people that did love me I was pushing them away you know as much as Brian and Christine loved me I was pushing them away and not letting that love me and you know so I started to realize that I needed to love myself and be open and understanding to let other people love me and so I continued on doing the public speaking and and then I went on to continue doing a program we moved out into the community to a different agency and and then there's financial problems there so that agency ended up closing down and I went into another agency and currently I'm the only person left in the program since it started but I'm still doing the mentoring and I'm still doing the public speaking and the public awareness and that's the that's the biggest thing for me is the mentoring to realize that I'm helping other people and those kids that I helped it's probably about four or five years ago now when it started I still talked to some of that like once twice a month you know and and I sitting back the other day and I thought there's a reason behind that obviously there was some impact or something that has helped them you know and and being able to help them you know means that they can now help other people you know it's the whole whole domino effect of trying to try to touch other people's lives - you know better society better society you know and I was feeling good about it we're we're told in life that you know there's certain steps you take you're born you go to school you go to college you get a career have a family and these are steps you're supposed to take but if somebody else you know ventures out and takes different steps or goes along a different path a lot of times we get scared for that person and we feel that they're not going to succeed or well they're not going to make it you know and and I didn't finish school and I didn't go to university and I didn't do this typical path that people thought I was supposed to do you know and and so they were scared for me and they were worried for me and I was scared to worry for myself because I knew that I wasn't doing this path that I was told that I was supposed to do you know and so I've come to realize now that I took my own path and at the end of the day I'm gonna get my own reward you know I've I've been able to become a lot stronger from going down the path that I've done I've spoken to crowds of five six seven hundred people talk to doctors psychologists teachers parents you know traveled all over CAD is speaking but that's only because I've been through all this stuff if I didn't have the strength to get through everything I went through I wouldn't have the strength to stand up and talk to people you know like I this wouldn't be where I am in life you know so I embrace what I've been through I would never ever take anything back that I've done or that I've been through I am I always thought that you know I needed to reach that one point in my life that it was going to change everything you know and and people asked me that they say you know when did it all change and I can't say there was one specific time that it all changed or one specific moment that had all changed I think that nothing changed I think what I found inside was that there wasn't a need for a change I didn't need to change something to get loved I didn't need to change who I was to get loved I needed to love myself to get loved you know and and I've realized what the kids that I'm working with I don't work with them and teach them you know what's five times five you know we work together on things like okay so how are we gonna solve this problem or how do you think we can best understand how for you to do your budgeting you know is it your gonna pay your bills on the same day every day of the month you know because that's what works for me is that again I've learned to routine a repetition I need to pay my bills on the same day of every month I need to pay the rent on the same day you know I need to go grocery shopping and I get the same you know things are I grocery shop gummy bears and chocolate milk you know but but it's it's doing the same thing because I've learned this is what works for me you know and and not being ashamed and being like well I have a disability and that's it you know I'm able to say yes I have a disability but I've learned what I need to do to work with this disability and I embrace it I don't I don't I'm not scared of it I'm not ashamed of it nothing like that there was an article in the paper that was written up I was asked to go to Edmonton and introduce the minister of children's services for some funding that was coming to the province of Alberta and so I went there and I was quite nervous because it was the minister and also they wanted me to say certain things it wasn't just you know say whatever and so of course I put my I will touch it it and had a few jokes and stuff but it went well and there was a few articles that were done up one that was done up in Edmonton and London hearing calorie that I saw and one of the articles here says miles Hamrick who suffers from the effects of fetal alcohol syndrome says a provincial program to establish regional authorities for its disorder will help victims get help earlier and then heading here says fetal alcohol treatment efforts greeted by victims experts I have never and will never be a victim I am NOT a victim and I don't suffer I have FASD but I'm not FASD and I've understood that and I've embraced that and I'm hoping that that's the message that I'm getting out to people is it's not a matter of if you have a disability or not it's embracing who you are and when I'm working with these kids like I said it's working on what they need you know and and understanding that if you know say teacher can't teach that kid you know what five plus five is but in the end of the school year that kid gives a teacher a hug and says I love you and thank you then sometimes that can be enough you know I went and took some tests a while ago for the stuff that I was doing and some of my grade levels were grade six because I got em so long and because my memory isn't so great but that's not what defines Who I am what defines Who I am is what I do and how I do it and that's with my heart I am wanting to you know find out who I was and you know I was looking so hard to figure it out and I always just thought I was just an empty glass you know and needed somebody to come fulfill me and I realized that it was myself embracing what I've been through and you know taking it to help change myself and once I did that and filled myself with that then I'd find who I was and I think that we can all do that find out who we are and find the real person inside ourselves and that's what I was able to do I am I don't know where my life's gonna take me from here I certainly never planned to be where I am I never woke up and thought you know I'm gonna be a motivational speaker and I'm gonna travel around doing this stuff you know but I am so glad to be where I am I'm so glad to have the opportunities that I have and I'm so glad to be able to work with people I've done many speaking engagements but when I've had people come up and you know I've had like I said I've had doctors and stuff come up and say thank you and I mean that means a lot to me but I've had youth come up to me and say thank you I've had youth come up to me and say I have FASD too and they have a smile on their face you know that God has shown me that that is why I'm here why I'm doing what I'm doing is because now they are able to understand this and be able to be like okay so this is who I am and that's what it's all about is realized and recognizing who you are and saying okay so what do I need to do to keep on going to be the best person I can be you know and and so I'm very glad to have the opportunity to come speak here today and hopefully you're able to take something from it thank you [Applause] you

Channel: YourAlberta (Government of Alberta)

Views: 69,127

Keywords: Human Services, living, success, support, journey

Id: 6QgZKkv_Pck

Length: 72min 32sec (4352 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 23 2013