Lisa Cotter - Relationships Revealed - 2018 Steubenville East

[Music] [Applause] [Music] that was fantastic Bob can you sing for me every time I come on stage that was really fun welcome back from lunch don't go into a food coma okay we can do this and a special welcome back to the gentlemen who have not had the pleasure of hanging out with yet nice to see y'all looking in all right let's say a prayer to get started here and so y'all all stop talking it works every time you just pray that one's like Oh quiet okay hey my father in the Son the Holy Spirit amen come Holy Spirit teach us how to pray Jesus we invite you into the room with us this afternoon as we talk about relationships Lord we ask that you open our minds our hearts to whatever it is that you called us here this afternoon to or we thank you for this amazing gift of this conference this weekend and I ask that you bless each and every person in this room may your spirit be with them and upon them may they know your peace and your love I ask that this afternoon my words be yours and that I only speak truth Lord come Holy Spirit and your name we pray amen you know in our world today we value ancient things things that are hundreds or thousands of years old we find them to be fascinating and I know this because we have these buildings called museums where we pay good money to go look at old things now one of my favorite ancient things in our world are the redwoods these are those ancient trees out in the Pacific Northwest I've never seen them but it is on my bucket list I will go the Redwoods god-willing before I die right these trees are amazing some of these trees are over 2,000 years old it just blows my mind to think there is something that is living and growing today there was living and growing before Jesus was born that's crazy and because these trees are so old they're really big really big so big that people will actually carve holes out of the trunks of the trees not so they can walk through the tree but so they can drive a car through the tree check this out that's crazy this tree is estimated to be 2,400 years old and it's 315 feet tall that's taller than the Statue of Liberty one tree crazy right so imagine with me for a minute and then in the middle of night some crazy person with a very large chainsaw leveled the redwood forest I guarantee you that when we woke up the next morning we would hear about it it'd be on social media and beyond the news people would be saying this is like so tragic why would somebody that why would somebody cut down these ancient beautiful almost sacred trees it's a good reason to because they would have destroyed something that would take 2,000 years to grow back if we could even get them to grow back and we wouldn't even know cuz we don't live to be 2,000 years old so I got to tell you something there's this reality right like our worth in our value it's it's not quite like the redwoods we're not ancient we aren't protected and the way that they are through government and things right the reality is the you are actually something more you're something more you see one day these redwoods all of them will turn to dust there will be dust they will be gone but you friends house inside of you you have a thing called a soul and your soul was not created to live for a hundred years it wasn't created to live for two thousand years your soul was created to live forever you will live forever and it's very hard to wrap your mind around sometimes like what will we do forever god I don't quite know yet well scary thought but the truth is is that you are not ancients you are immortal CS Lewis once put it this way there are no ordinary people you have never talked to a mere mortal nations cultures arts civilizations these are mortal and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat the Redwood compared to you that thing's a gnat you will have forever you are immortal if we believe this to be true then the way that we relate to each other the way that we treat each other it matters because your Worth and your value and your dignity is greater than anything else on this world you are greater you're not just ancient you're immortal and here's the thing how often do we forget to treat each other that way how often do we forget that the person sitting next to us they're immortal they have an immortal soul that was made to live forever we ourselves we're immortal immortal souls they were made to live forever there's a thing like it or not we were made to be in relationship to each other so if we believe this do we to be true and in the way that we relate to each other it matters it matters so what I want to do today what I want to talk about today are three relationship goals that each of us should have when it comes to the way that we relate to each other like I said like it or not were made for relationship we're made to be in relationship with each other we were created in the image of a God who is in relationship God himself is not in isolation he's God the Father God the Son and God the Holy Spirit who makes up the Trinity so if we are made in His image that gives us a clue that we were made for relationship so we're to look at three relationship goals today and if you live these well I can guarantee for you a depth in your relationships if you have never experienced before and all comes down to the hinge of this understanding that people are not things because people have immortal souls so our first relationship goal it's two will the good of others st. Thomas Aquinas once said so love is to will the good of another see Thomas Aquinas was a philosopher so what the heck does that mean right okay let me break it down for you last night Bob put these two chairs up here and he talks about how God gave us the freedom to choose right he said we can turn our chair away from God we have that choice the fancy Catholic word for that is freewill freewill God didn't say you have to be my minion you have to do what I say no he said you have the freedom to choose so in this context I want you to look it this way so to will is loosely to choose to love is to choose the good of another to choose what's best for somebody to want what's best for them to desire their happiness and not only in your mind and in your heart but sometimes in your actions your actions reflect that desire which means sometimes making a sacrifice for somebody else and the way that you live and the way that you relate to them several years back I had a friend who asked me to go on a walk with her her name was Sarah she said hey Lisa I want you to walk with me um I was like yeah I like exercise this would be fun and get some fresh air sounds good so we're going on her walk and I quickly realized that Sarah wasn't looking to get fresh air no she had an agenda and she said Lisa you know something's been going on in our friendship that's been bothering me lately and I really wanted to bring it up because I feel like it's preventing us from authentic friendship and from being better friends I was like yeah sure like what's going on tell me and she said you know I kind of feel like and the things that you say and the things that you do that sometimes like you're just trying to one-up me and you're like trying to prove that you're better than me and it's like you're kind of in competition with me and I just I don't know I something's off and I just want to bring it up and get your thoughts on him so I listen to her I'm taking it in it's my turn to talk and I was like no no I have no idea what you're talking about I I don't do that competing with you comparing myself to you mm-hmm That's not me and the look on her face was like I think you're delusional but okay and the reality is and she was absolutely right I was comparing my life to hers I was competing with her I was struggling with the fact that I looked at her life and I thought it's perfect she's got everything together she's she's cuter to me she's more funny than me she's more popular than me she probably has better grades than me I don't know for sure but you know probably cuz everything's perfect in her life and I look to her life and somehow her life to me sometimes it seems like a threat like somehow her happiness was gonna get in the way of my happiness and in that state of mind it was really hard for me to truly honestly will her good because here's the thing comparison comparison is the thief of joy maybe you've heard that one before but when I was living like this when I was constantly comparing myself true it wasn't leading to my happiness in fact it was quite exhausting thing like I had to try to keep up with her I got to prove to everybody that I was better than her at least I could be as good as her and not only that but he was affecting our friendship it's affecting our friendship in ways that were preventing us from really being friends for a long time I lost out on what could have been an even deeper and better friendship with Sara as I wasn't so focused on just comparing myself to her and with some time I did finally come to terms with what I was doing I was able to recognize like yeah yeah yeah that's going on and I had to can't constantly choose to stop comparing myself to her and choose it was an act of the will it was a choice to not compare myself to her and I had to focus on being me it's kind of that quote I love from Bob last night where he talked about don't be a photocopy being original I was like I gotta work on being an original and yes it was hard I was hard to wrap my mind around that and the whole concept I'm sure you've heard this before that you're enough right and I was like I'm not sure about that but you say so I'll try it try to feed this out here's the thing the world doesn't need photo copies of other people it needs you God created you with a specific perfect purpose sometimes I can't talk when I'm pregnant I'm sorry God created you with a specific purpose there's a plan for your life that only you can fulfill only you can fulfill and the world needs you to be you and who you are is enough so who do you need to stop competing with who do you need to stop comparing yourself to do you need to start willing the good of because we all have those people in our lives Sony give you something very practical that you can do every day one simple thing every day compliment somebody great job on your presentation that was awesome I really appreciate how great of a friend you are to me thank you for that because when we can find the good in people it makes it a lot easier to will they're good and then you'll start to see them for the immortal soul that they are so our first relationship goal will the good of others lationship goal number two refused to use when I fly on planes quite a bit I often get to have conversations with people who I've never met and recently I was on a flight and there were two girls sitting on the airplane with me and one of the girls had recently gotten engaged these were both girls they're both in college and she was so excited and so she's telling this story to the girl in the middle seat and to me right and so like tell us the story huh how do you ask you you know we're setting can we be bridesmaids right all these important questions and so we're going on and we're chatting and having this great conversation and so that's kind of comes to a bowl and so I asked the girl sitting in the middle because you know we're talking about relationships kind of seems natural like so are you dating anybody do you've a boyfriend and she gets this funny look on her face and she's like ah yeah okay so okay so there's this guy and like so he and uh and and we're like so there's like this this thing it's really hard time putting words to it have you ever seen relationships like this we're like uh how do you define that what exactly are you yeah or any of you currently in a relationship I don't want to know I don't know so finally after all this stuttering she comes up with an answer she says okay we're casually dating okay so what does that mean like you get coffee one while you're getting to know each other like what does that mean and she says well it's like it's like a friend that you make out with it's like okay a friend that you make out with okay I said I got a little bold I said okay so it's like basically a situation where you just use each other and she goes oh well when you put it that way it sounds kind of bad I was like yeah I mean you don't know who you're talking to all right I've wrote a book on dating um so I'm like okay so like are you are you good with that I give you good with the status of this relationship this casual dating relationship and she's like yeah it's fine this is fine and then she kind of got real serious we're cruising over 10,000 feet and she says actually I doesn't really feel quite right doesn't really feel quite right is he in the heart of our hearts when she actually looked at the situation she recognized and realized that she's being used and she was using between quite know what to do about it she knew that there had to be something better she knew something was off but she wasn't quite sure what to do about it friends the opposite of love is not hate the opposite of love is use Pope Saint John Paul the second once said a person's rightful due is to be treated as an object for love not as an object for use I think we know that sensationally like yeah we're not things like we can't just toy with each other like that's not fair right but how often do we settle for use in our relationships especially our dating relationships I think there's two ways that we can do this the first way is the more obvious way physically we can physically use each other and I think and I hope by now that you've heard physically using people is wrong and just like our girl on the plane discovered it didn't feel quite right when my husband and I were writing our book we spent hours interviewing young adults people just graduate from college we asked him what was it like dating in the world today over and over again we heard this same sentiment I didn't feel quite right I want to read you one quote from one of the guys that we interviewed by the name of Daniel he said when it was just about the physical stuff there was an emptiness and an uneasiness about it when it was over I think that's not right that's not what I really wanted we talked to girls and over and over again we heard them say yeah you know like in the moment it was fun and I felt like I mattered to somebody and I felt like I was important for the moment but the next day when I was home by myself the emptiness was worse the loneliness only grew we weren't made to be used there's another aspect of you that I want to talk about too there's the physical youths which is more obvious but I also want to talk about the other side which is I'm we can use each other emotionally now before we move on here I want to make sure that I'm very clear about a few things about the emotions first thing's Catechism tells us so the Catechism is that green book that tells us a lot of things about being Catholic that's the easiest way to explain it in themselves passions and our passions include our emotions these are our desires that we have are neither good nor evil it's not right or wrong to feel a certain way what matters is what we do with it catechism goes on to explain emotions and feelings can be taken up in the virtues Loosli good habits good things or perverted by the vices bad habits negative so either we can use the emotions the passions that come to us for good and direct them towards good or we can allow them to get twisted around and used negatively and I want to talk about how our emotions can be twisted negatively in a way that leads to use and there's two primary ways that I think we do this the first way is through the emotional high when I was in high school I dated a lot of guys that I like barely knew like I didn't meet them and I'd be like he's the goat and like a week later we'd be dating and like two weeks later I'd be like below as I thinking who is this guy like he's like not the goat he's like the grossest of all time I don't understand what's wrong with me right did I hurt somebody's feelings she just pointed to somebody oh go it's on the back no it's greatest of all time I'm saying that oh that's why they groaned they have t-shirts that say go on the back [Applause] okay we're gonna be okay I knew there was something going on there you didn't like my joke never gonna use that again okay so the issue was is that I was in these relationships for the emotional high I liked like the emotional high of the relationship it was fun you know like oh you'd meet someone that's like looks exciting you know and and then like you'd realize like oh my gosh there's nothing here there's no substance my emotions blinded me from the reality of the situation I was just chasing after that high it led to use it wasn't about willing these guys good like I really want to help these people become better and love Jesus more no that was not on my mind we used each other emotionally one of the ways is through an emotional high second way a sense of security it's very easy to use people for a sense of security when I was in college I stopped dating guys I didn't know got a little smarter it's good and after being friends with this guy for several months we started dating about a year into our relationship built I had this sense that this relationship was not God's best plan for me and here's the thing that was really confusing because we were doing so many things right our relationship was chaste we were praying together we were trying to keep Christ as a center but I still had this feeling of this just isn't right so I broke up with him and everything was great for like three weeks and then I had this freakout moment and I was like oh my gosh what if I just broke up with the one like what if he was the one and I just blew it and now for the rest of my life I'm gonna be a cat lady and for the rest of his life he's gonna be a cat man and it's my fault because we're supposed to be together and I just ruined his whole life I felt this immense pressure of like Oh what was he thinking so in my freaked out we got back together we dated again for a couple of months and that same feeling came back I just knew I was like this is not right this is not what God desires yes there's nothing like sinful about this relationship but it's not right and I knew that if I held onto that relationship I was holding on to it first sense of security and then not fair to this guy it was not fair to this guy love should not be based in fear it can't be grounded in grasping for security selfless love wills the good of the other and here's the kicker here's where these two things come together for me where our hearts go our bodies want to follow so if our emotions are saying I really want to be close to this person I really want to be near to them I don't give them everything our bodies are gonna want to say I don't wanna be close to this person I really want to be near to them I just want to give them everything when it comes to purity when it comes to chastity it starts with rehearses making sure that we are properly ordering and directing our emotions because where our hearts go it's very easy for our bodies to want to follow so our second relationship goal is to refuse to use third goal stop judging start loving when I first got into my faith I was you know super I had like a pair of like a zealous you know my zealous outfit I was like yeah I'm so holy I know what's up I remember being in my kitchen one day and my parents they weren't like yelling or fighting you just how there was like tension going on and I'm serving this and because I'm so holy I was you know making judgments about it and I said mom and dad do you pray together he looks at me like who are you like what where did that come from I say because if you don't that's a problem and they still stared at me didn't say anything and I was like can we leave now that got awkward cuz here's the thing I looked at my parents and I was like huh clearly if they're having trouble and they're like mad at each other they're not very holy it was a judging my parents yes that's right me and my judgy eyes right don't let this halo blind you people okay so I'm so holy people say that mother Teresa said I just have to be honest she didn't really say this but I don't know who did because everybody says she did but she and if you judge people you have no time to love them there's a lot of truth in that though if you judge people you have no time to love them now when we talk about judgment there's two ways that we can look at this there's judging an action which is actually important we need to do that we know killing someone is wrong right we need to do that we need to look at actions and determine are they good or are they bad right but then there's judging a person and thank God that's not our job if you have a friend who's struggling with something maybe they cheat maybe they lie or maybe they're using people in their lives but they don't need from you is for you to sit there and judge them and pick them apart and think of all the reasons why there's such a horrible person what they need is your love they need a friend who's gonna walk with them in their brokenness a friend who's gonna say listen I'm not better for you you're in a moral soul these things that you're doing in your life they're not gonna make you happy and I love you enough that I want to take you and help you get to somewhere better that's an authentic relationship right there I know this can be hard it's like well how do I do that right that's kind of scary it starts with having a friendship with someone having an authentic friendship with them relationship with them and you call each other out when you need to not because you're judging each other but because you're loving each other you want to help each other grow in holiness and become the best version of yourself that you can be this is exactly what my friend Sarah did with me she saw something that was going on my life she knew wasn't gonna lead to my happiness it's out of love she called me out I know what you're thinking okay how do I do that though I have a friend I should probably talk to I don't how to do that they'll hate me and I'll ever talk to me again right that's a hard thing to give like here's exactly what you do but the first step is you pray you pray by you say Lord am I do you need me is this is this me do you need me to call this percent do you mean to have a conversation with them do you need me to love them with truth and speak truth into their life and if you know yeah yeah that's what I need to do that's what it means to be a friend to this person then the second question you ask yourself is can I do it with love can I do with love can I speak through them with love because if you're just doing it because you want to like be right or you want to prove them wrong or something that's not the reason to do it what if you can pray about it and you know yeah I can approach this with love and you're called to it then you step out in faith and you do it and you trust yeah it might not go the way you want it to go in the moment right I think Sara probably left that conversation and was like that didn't go very well she told me I don't know what I'm talking about but I had to think about it I had to process it and then I was able to get to a point and say yeah yeah that's what's going on and it's not leaning to my happiness and I'm grateful that she did that for me I'm grateful so our three relationship goals number one will the good of others number two refused to use number three stop judging and start loving and if you look at these three things the common denominator across them is love you want amazing relationships in your life love to love is to will the good of another the opposite of love is use stop judging start loving if you can do these things if you can live in this way you're not gonna see your friends you're not gonna see the people in your life as things you're gonna see them as the immortal souls that they are that person sitting next to you they're not an ancient artifact sort of museum they're not some redwood they're more than a mortal soul that was made to live forever and their Worth and their value is unbelievable so let's start living like him I mean if I Bob up on the stage here let's give it up for Lisa that was awesome thank you Lisa come over to my office here we got our chairs here where you going I'm just rejecting Bob oh no um someone was supposed to bring me coffee what do you want they're getting it I know but it's there she went to get the coffee it's not okay okay baby needs coffee I know it's a pregnant thing I have to drink my water like so welcome to dr. Bob's relationship show Lisa thanks for coming and being a part of it thanks for having me [Applause] we've been a my Twitter feed I'm gonna really regret having given it out to so many human beings emails been blowing up lots of really good questions I think and of course in 16 minutes and 34 seconds we will answer every single one of them with the fullness of detail that it deserves actual problems I'll probably just get to three but thanks for your questions you guys are actually some some great questions and first of all Wow now you know I think all of those points that you're talking about really goes down to just the nature of what love is about you know I never heard that before that the opposite of love isn't hate but it's use and I think so many times you know we can have this emotional love but you can really tell by its fruits whether or not it's something genuine and so with that in mind I might categorize some of the questions because some of them were pretty similar there was a few that asked a variation of how far is too far well what's wrong with casual sex if I love them is it okay to have sex with them you know just just some of those general things you began to touch on that but maybe we can get more specific about that sounds good yeah I mean I think really when it comes down to the questions like well what about sex outside of marriage or casual sex I think a lot of what I touched on with with the use piece I mean really the truth is written on our hearts it over and over again we heard from our interviewers people saying like yeah like I just like it didn't feel quite right there's a reason for that because God created us for relationship be creative or permanency for things like sex and I think that there's something very beautiful about that that we're denying ourselves if we say well no I know better right like I know the GPS says to go this way but I'm gonna drive it through the lake because I think that's faster right like well it's not gonna get you where you want to go right so like we need to trust and the God who's written on our hearts the truth like it sits in there like that's actually gonna lead to our happiness and I think it could be kind of scary to trust that but my challenge I always give to people is like try it like you want know the ultimate test of whether or not someone loves you like are they willing to sacrifice for you the wailing - will your good and say yeah might not make full sense to me but this is what the Church teaches and this is what God has put on my heart and so I'm gonna trust that there's got to be something deeper there yeah I think that's great yeah yeah no and I I agree I mean I think I think so much of it does have to do with trust and has to do with hope you know that if God doesn't have a bigger plan for our life then just live for the moment and I think many times in in those situations that's that's really the question like are we willing to put our trust in God enough to abstain in this moment God really likes sex by the way he created it you know it's not like he created man and woman and look down I was like Oh myself what are they doing right like I can't unsee that for eternity no you know obviously he created it with the plan and he created it with a purpose and I I think one of the reasons why the church talks about sex so much isn't because we think it's bad it's because we think it's sacred and I think that's a big difference between the way God talks about sex in the world the world wants to talk about it as something very casual as something well you know animals have sex you know so why can't we just have sex like when an animal is in heat and animal has sex well I'm feeling this so I have sex and God is saying like the animals aren't made in my image and likeness they don't have immortal souls yeah we're straight but you but they're all there but dogs are in heaven cats are in hell but dogs are in heaven evil oh they're evil you can ask your priest about the truth in that later you know what I read that cat machism dad jokes all day thanks everybody and scene Thank You Brett good night everybody but it's about having hope and about having a bigger picture I mean what a great little analogy like you don't want to drive the if you're trying to get to the other side of the lake maybe driving through the lake isn't the best way to do that and we think that but sometimes God has and usually often God has different paths for that I know that in my own life you know I I remember I was dating a girl I was you know when I was younger I was involved in a youth group I heard about virginity but I didn't hear about chastity and so I knew I shouldn't have sex but that was pretty much as far as it went and so I was involved in numerous physical relationships that brought about a lot of regret and shame in my own life I was dating a girl who I really cared for we were both Christian we were praying but we're also very physical in our relationship and I went to a conference kind of like this one where I I really heard for the first time a talk on chastity and the beauty of you know really saving your purity saving yourself trusting in God's plan for your life and they passes that they pass out these little cards you know to everybody and so I signed one I dated it you know do that stuff and then I got a copy of the cassette because I'm old and I saw it it's a plastic thing that has two circles and and you'd have to take a pencil and you'd have to stick it in there to tighten it up it was very complicated and then I had to put it in something called an envelope and oh it was so much work back then I can't even I don't know how we survived it but anyway I mailed it you know to to her cuz it was a long-distance relationship she listened to it she was really moved by it we agreed that we would be chaste and three months later she dumped me which was very I know is very tragic thank you thank you well you know to be honest without the physical stuff in our relationship we realized there wasn't a lot more there and it was kind of like you're annoying you know like I mean there's a way that that is the ways of that physical stuff actually you know and you know this in marriage like part of it is it kind of softens the rough edges of things in a relationship and so when that's gone we realized that we really didn't like each other she was quicker to realize that than I did and I was always a little bit bitter at that moment of chastity you know that check I kept into my Bible but it's still a stupid card so a couple years later I'm dating a girl and we're praying together and the card falls out of my Bible and I wasn't embarrassed by it completely but you know I was like you know you know I mean we were both chaste and it was cool but he was still a little weird so she grabbed it she looked at it she goes I'm like what yeah I'm chaste we figured that out we've been dating for a few months and now she reached into her Bible she had the same card same date and that's the woman I married go down so while I was having that moment in that room worried about this other girl the guy the woman that God had planned for me was also in that auditorium listening to that same talk doing it and it had just has to do with hope you know what God's the got the thing God is most concerned about is are you gonna follow him or not that's the number one decision in life the second thing is what's your vocation so God is actually more concerned about if you're called to marriage who you're going to marry then you might even be and you do have to have a hope and a willingness and a patience I think for that and and listening to God's wisdom on this you know like here's another thing if I had not been chaste if I had been involved a lot of physical relationships then when I would have met the woman who's going to be my wife I might not have dated her because she wasn't into that and you know like is often attracted to like and some of those other things you know they're present I just had a light bulb moment that um there could be people in this room who will one day get married if you were in the same room as your life that is very true praise be Jesus Christ yeah that's a crazy thought here's a question how'd you get here I'll freakin capture that guy he'll have a vocations call of like who think they're gonna get married to each other that'll be an interesting on that then alright how do you break up with someone stupid without being mean because Christians should be kind it's really great I think that's a fantastic question so it is so you're dating someone who's stupid okay but you're a Christian so you're supposed to be kind yeah so how do you do it yeah I think that comes back to the fear thing I think sometimes we stay in relationships out of fear because we're like I don't want to hurt their feelings I don't want them to feel sad or something you know but um I think you just you just be real with them and you'd be firm you don't dance around it you don't leave room for hope you just say listen I don't feel like we should date anymore and it's gonna be hard for a while believe me when I broke up with that guy who was really hard but you know what happened what happened a couple like a year and a half later I was at a wedding Sarah Swofford sweating if any of you know her and the guy I broke up with came up to me and he said Lisa I need to tell you thank you and I was like what I do I haven't seen you in a year this is great he said I didn't say thank you for breaking up with me yeah true story he was like you were absolutely right we were not right for each other and I don't think I would have ever had the courage to do that and I'm so grateful that you were prayerful and you were thinking it through and that you listened to that and you did break up with me and at this time he was already married and I was getting married in three weeks and it was pretty cool that's awesome yeah so don't get tunnel vision if you know it's not right you're not doing anybody favors by dragging it out you're not because you're then it prevents you from doing what God has next for you because you're still stuck and this thing that isn't what he desires for you yeah that's a great ending to that story I'm glad you got to share you know be cooler ending to the story what and then he became Pope Francis he was married I think being a pope would be cooler I don't know that's just me it was another question by sex but this isn't this is an interesting one and some some are asking this in various ways is sex what can a relationship well the father be disappointed and send us to hell there are a few variations of that of what does God think of that or I have done this what should I do do I have any hope on this yeah I would say that there is always hope nobody is ever too far gone I think that God is merciful and all you have to do is go to confession that's amazing thing about being Catholic is we can be assured of that forgiveness when we go to the confession right behind us here right and you just say I'm sorry I I wasn't living my best and I wasn't following your plan for me but I'm done and you might fall again but guess what there's confession like there's it's never too late I can tell you gosh from our interview is like one of the interviews we did was with a guy who was a stripper and he is now I know a student that's the extreme right like he's one of the holiest I missed what you said he's one of the holiest guys I know he's like I've got this crazy messed-up past and like God has redeemed it and like he has been chaste for like two or three years now and he's like discerning becoming a priest like just amazing what God has done in his life it is never too late and so it's the kind of thing that even if you yeah nobody's ever too far gone you you know I mean that's the kind of the one-two punch of the devil right the devil wants to lead us into sin and then wants to keep us in our sin and so when we sin you know we we hear this message of well you've already screwed up well nobody's going to want you now nobody who's pure or holy is gonna want you now you may as well just deal with it you know just stay down in the mud and God is always calling us up and calling us forward it would be a beautiful thing to say to a future husband or a future wife I made some mistakes in my youth but then I heard the God revealed the truth to me in my life and from that point on I sought holiness I saw purity and and sought it in various dating relationships and so I don't want anybody to ever feel like you lost something that you can't get back I think that's something that the world tries to tell us but the entire message of the gospel is about Redemption it's about restoration it's about bringing that if God could bring the dead to life I mean he can do anything in our lives even in those areas of darkness and death now there were a few questions about being in a relationship being Christian how can I keep my faith how can I stay pure weight there was one that was that was kind of specific that I thought was right on it what do you do if you want to be chaste and you've discussed this with your significant other and they understand however when you start to get intimate with them in a non-sexual way they don't support your decisions or help you abstain yeah okay so here's the reality both parties have to want it I know that's not the answer you probably want to hear but you cannot drag somebody along so over and over again again with these interviews I learned so much from these interviews I heard stories about relationships or was like the girl would hear something that the guy would hear something and if one party was on board and the other person wasn't it just dragged out and dragged down and dragged out and it it just it doesn't it doesn't work unfortunately but I also heard stories where one person had this conversion and instead gosh I want to live this way and they shared it the other person and they said okay let's try it and they stopped having sex they started leading a chase life and now they're married with kids and they didn't have sex again until their wedding night just amazing beautiful things so I think it's just the reality of you know is that really the relationship you want like is that really love if they're not willing to sacrifice for you again I guess that really love I guess that really is that really what you want like is that really what you desire is like yeah a boyfriend or a girlfriend who I drag along and they grit their teeth but don't want it themselves like I'd say yeah it's it's really hard so either they need to come to a place where they want it to are I have a hard time seeing a future there being honest yeah and and again that's what we're just trying to be we're just trying to be straight up if you can't imagine having relationship that doesn't involve that kind of physical activity then I would say you're not ready for that kind of relationship because you know it's not like what it is in the movies and the TV I mean you know people see each other and then suddenly they're immediately having sex there immediately and there's never any like negative repercussions of this you know it's always you know I mean if it's like you know we see like you know lawyer shows on TV and that's not how a courtroom is and we see like you know fast and furious and that's not how people actually drive you do drive like that that's cool but then you see like these better machines yeah exactly but you see these bedroom scenes on TV or in movies and stuff like that and guess what that's not how it is either and we pattern ourselves and we think like oh that's what it looks like that's what it's supposed to be and really the opposite is true you know like nobody would survive those car crashes know if you ever go into an actual court room it's really boring you know there's no like badgering of a witness or object you know and most of the relationship stuff actually doesn't work out that well either with things so yeah I'm just just being straight up if you can't imagine relationship what I think is beautiful is that God has something better than the media is offering is better than is offering a real genuine intimacy a real genuine love that begins with our hearts and as you said you know maybe you can answer this question so where our hearts go our bodies follow then our want to follow so when we start really falling in love with somebody what can we do to have our bodies not follow that or at least follow that in that kind of way I keep keep the passions ordered yeah they're probably yeah I think I think this kind of goes with the how FAR's to you our question but the simple most simple way I can explain that question is there's a difference between affection and arousal and affection is actually important for a relationship it's important when you're dating to learn how to properly have affection in your relationship how you know you've gone too far as if it leads to sexual arousal and there's a different spot for each person for a girl it might be like laying down on a couch with her boyfriend might lead to arousal for a guy it might just be the couch leg that's enough to be like hey it's just you and me alone in the room with the couch right right so you need to know your own no one one piece of advice I heard which was great is that you know men are like microwaves and women are like ovens you know women might take a longer period of time for agile than guys like hey no that's important to be aware of because if you're a girl and you might be at a place where you are showing affection and the guy is in a very very different place and that's where some of that tension can come in I think that earlier question about like I'm trying to be chaste you know it's even a great question about passionate kissing like for one person it could be a sign of affection but I know specifically for a lot of guys passionate kissing is arousal you know and when you get aroused you are looking to go to the next thing affection makes you satisfied with where you're at maybe it's holding hands maybe it's an armchair there's tenderness there's kindness and you can stay in that place and you feel good about that place arousal is always what's the next thing what's the next thing what's the next thing and when you feel like you're on that path that's when you're gonna end up in places that God would like to spare you from and things that really end up hurting relationships in the long run and and really can hurt and damage your soul with those things and now do you like to use it's kind of like a buffet like if you're gonna go to a buffet and fill up your plate wake your next thought is now we're going to eat right so like it's like if you're a rousing yourself or something that like is not proper for the time it's like filling up your buffet plate and walking away from it like nobody likes that nobody's like wait what like that seems unfair like why couldn't we like eat the meal right so I think you need to be thinking in terms of like way let's not fill the plate right now like let's make sure that like our relationship has affection because even in marriage there's times where you need to know how to have affection in your relationship that isn't always sexual you know I think that's a very important thing to be developing while you're dating to bring into your marriage yeah and you know there are so many things that we were asked and there were great questions and we just don't really have a lot of time to talk about I'd encourage you guys check out Lisa's book it's a wonderful book it's available in the bookstore there's other really great resources available in the bookstore if you ask questions about same-sex attraction homosexuality I know there's some really good resources there and and I know some of that got addressed in some of the men's you know main sessions women's sessions other things like that we just scratched the surface of this in the beginning and that's what we wanted to do because you know if you're not thinking about this now like thinking about this in the backseat of a car with somebody you're attracted to that's not the time to start like alright I wonder what we should be doing here if we're gonna be followers and disciples of Christ and live this new life that God revealed he revealed to us that were not just animals in heat but were made in His image and likeness were made the love and dating relationships and friendship relationships and family relationships and could we put those three just those three bullet points again on the screen behind this just as a kind of leaving reminder to this you know just this idea that well you set them so you breathe yeah we'll the good of others refused to use and stop judging start loving really think of those as principles for all of your relationships with Christ at the center and you are gonna find transformed relationships friendships dating relationships marriages as Lisa and I found and all the team can attest to so let's give it up again for Lisa thank you so much thank you this is a fun fireside chat

Channel: Steubenville Youth Conferences

Views: 1,425

Rating: 4.826087 out of 5

Keywords: Catholic, Charismatic, Youth Conference, Youth, Conference, Evangelization, Steubenville Conferences, Steubenville

Id: -AzcSKgthko

Length: 49min 49sec (2989 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 06 2018