He's playing some games, the worst he recalls. He's gonna find out which one sucks the most balls. The Angry Video Game Nerd is here. He's making a list and checking it twice. He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice. The Angry Video Game Nerd is here. He hates the games that stink. He knows which games to break. He just might even hate them all, cuz' he's mad for fucking sake. You better watch out, don't give these games a try. You better not play'em, He's telling you why. The Angry Video Game Nerd is here. Well, Santa left me this present here. But I don't want to play it, whatever it might be, because all these shitty brains have rotted my game. Ho, ho, ho, don't you mean "the shitty games have rotted your brain?" Hey, Santa. Ho, ho, hello, Nerd, your brain has rotted away. But I'm here to save the day. As you will see, I have the help you need. Oh, help? How? Open the present, Nerd. I believe it will be the solution to all your problems. If it's a severed head, I'm gonna be very upset. Come on, Nerd. I'm only trying to help. It's, uh.... What the hell is it? That right there, is Lightspan Adventures. Uhhhhhh, what? Lightspan Adventures. Long, long ago, in the late 90s, Lightspan Adventures was made for the Sony Playstation. It was distributed to schools as a valuable edutainment tool. It branches together the worlds of knowledge with the world of electronic entertainment. You see, Nerd, by playing these educational games, you'll repair your brain. Oh yeah, Santa. Thanks. That makes a lot of sense. Use shitty games to fix my brain that's been fucked up by shitty games, you piece of shit! You know what? You can just fuck right off, you cocksucker motherfucker. Okay, all right. Let's see what kind of shit you've packed in here. Okay, huh. A Playstation. Oh, okay. A school textbook? Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas, Nerd. All right, let's look this over. A 50 pound box of disks, a workbook, a Playstation with a bunch of fucking wires. Oh great, Oh, thanks, an RF adapter, too. A lot of tease this is. Imagine getting a free Playstation from your school But all you get with it is a bunch of edutainment games. It's like getting to go to an awesome water park for free, but all the water slides are piss slides. Oh, my gosh, look at this shit. These are only some of the games they made. Lightspan put out more games on the PlayStation than most major game companies. All right, so I guess I'll just pick something and pop it in. All right at K 9.5. Live in Airedale. It's a game about a bunch of Disney reject dog characters in a lame-ass band Clicking on the pictures gives you a little info about each character, but trust me, you don't want it. They're annoying as fuck. My real name is James Harrison Richard III. But all my friends just call me Rip. I play lead guitar. My guitar, I call it Rover. It's pretty good... *sigh* Oh, my God. I'd rather have a big, hairy, cow...thing? Take a wet, runny, poopy in my...hearing hole? Uh, I got to fix my brain. So you're on your way to play a show in what looks like the most unsafe blimp ever. Seriously, look at this shit. You're in giant dog bowls attached by ropes to balloons. And it doesn't look like anyone's even controlling it. So then a tornado comes out of nowhere and all your instruments get scattered around the area, and you got to use your word learning to find them. It's basically moving quizzes, like an animated test. In this one, you have to jump on the vines that have nouns or adjectives on them. You see, everyone, a noun is a person, place, or thing, such as shit, ass, or hell. An adjective describes something like shitty, assy, or "helly" Match the right one and you go forward. Fuck up, and you fall. it doesn't matter though. You just start back where you were. This is pretty simple. I think I'm actually learning something here. Okay, now for the adjectives. Wait, what? So I'm supposed to pick which one is the adjective. Sun, five, or face. I guess the only one it couldn't be is five. But so five is the adjective. They could have come up with a better example. I mean, look it up in the dictionary, and the number five is usually a noun. But when you say there's five of something, that makes it an adjective. It's kind of confusing. Way to be an asshole with your trick questions. They could have come up with a better adjective, like.. fluffy. This time I'm gonna challenge myself. I want to learn, so let's go with level two: Canyon. Here, You have to use the correct form of the verb to fill in the sentence and get little rock balls. You see a verb is an action word, like shove, as in: "I'd rather shove a dragonfruit into my dickhole than play this game." After completing all the sentences, you get to play the world's slowest game of Arkanoid. This is helly, assy, and shitty. Oh, and good luck getting that last one, it takes forever. After you win, you find a bass guitar made out of human remains. Did he get it by dueling Satan in a rock off challenge? Huh.. he got that bass from Satan, and I got this game from Santa. Makes you think. So of course K9.5 sucks doggie dick. "*moaning* "Lets get swingin'!" All right, let's try... Kazmania, I really got to say, if there's one thing Lightspan was good at, it was creating the ugliest characters possible. Kaz is a slug girl with a weird inflated head, she must have had part of her brain cut out because her skull's lopsided. Okay. And look at all the friends. I mean look at them. They look like a bunch of infectious diseases under a microscope. I mean they're all mismatched and completely unappealing. I mean, I despise them. Their visage brings severe displeasure and mental anguish. I have to admit, these games seem to be helping. I've noticed an increase in mental acuity, as well as a more educated lexicon. Maybe I'm getting more smarter and lesser dumber. So this one's a shitty first-person shooter, an SFPS. You run around with some of the most unresponsive controls in history. You lob blue balls at shit plunger pogo robots you shoot these kiosks which makes you answer boring questions. I hate this. I end up just blind guessing. This isn't what learning is supposed to be. This isn't teaching me anything. All I'm doing is half-assing it to get it over with. You add another half-ass, you get a whole-ass, which is the opposite of asshole, and from that asshole you get a whole shit. And Speaking of half ass that's what this game is. It came out in '97, the same year as Final Fantasy 7, Symphony of the Night, and Abe's Oddysey. This game is boring as fuck. The graphics are ugly as shit. The music is like having your ear holes fucked repeatedly by a flaming demon dildo. You see, I just shared three similes with you. That's a literary device using "like" or "as" to draw a comparison between two things. These Lightspan games feature some of the worst visuals I've ever seen. You don't believe me?
Check out any of the games featuring PK, another nightmarish misfit mascot of Lightspan. Out of every character in these games, PK is by far the scariest thing. In every game, he's featured, and he's the only 3D character. These supporting characters are lame, but not too bad, then PK comes in to fuel your nightmares and traumatize you. Why'd they hand draw every other character, but make him 3D? He looks like a store-brand Toucan Sam that murders children in his spare time. The funniest thing about him is the steady decrease in quality of his animation throughout all the games. In the beginning, it looks like someone tried to spend time working on him, but then they started caring less and less. Here, he's just inserted into a castle and repeats the same few frames of animation. In this game, he's just a still picture with a voiceover and moving eyes. Even the people who created this avian atrocity didn't feel like working on them. Why put him in so many games if the main focus is on these weird side characters anyway? I know I asked this a lot, but what were they thinking? Every game is the same. Answer some questions, watch a shitty cartoon, answer some questions, watch a shitty cartoon, answer some questions, watch a shitty cartoon! I'm putting a stop to this endless shit cycle! While these games may be the electronic manifestation of bovine and canine fecal matter, I am however noticing favorable increases in my linguistic skills. Hmm... I think it's now time to improve my arithmetic. Shitpissfuck! Let's learn some motherfucking math! On the move! So the first weird thing about this game is what happens when you click these music notes. The video plays showing you these fake arcade games. There's Alligator Farm, which is like shitty Donkey Kong. Yeah, you've ever play that one? Shitty Donkey Kong? Smack'em and Slap'em? Maybe it's the sequel to Beat'em and Eat'em. And then there's Prehistoric Driving. It looks worse than Desert Bus. You're driving on a white background while the same dinosaur flips out over and over again. Why even have them? They're not even playable games! You know when I say a game is unplayable. Well, these ones you actually can't play. Get ready for Math on the Move. It's the worst in the Lightspan catalog. Choose a category, and then either lesson or practice. This game really ups the laziness because... it isn't even a fucking game! It's just videos starring the dorkiest geeks of the entire 90s! "I hope you enjoy your game! Hehehehehehehehe!" Look at how geeky they are. I mean, look how they're dressed, not all cool like me. This game looks like the 90s got food poisoning, and then hurled into a toilet, and then shat in it, and then forgot to flush. Ahh.. there's nothing like a bunch of goofy assholes telling you how to add numbers together as they pretend a spazzing dinosaur's there. And why do they feature a dinosaur anyway? It makes no sense! Imagine coming home from school and having to actually play this shit for homework. Wow, could you imagine the conversation on the bus ride to school Monday morning? Some kids talking about some awesome dinosaur game, Dino Crisis that he rented from Blockbuster, and then the other kids like.. "Oh, yeah. I played a dinosaur game, too." "Oh, yeah, like what, like, uh, Jurassic Park?" "No." "Primal Rage?" "Naw." "Oh yeah, you must mean Tarak? No. No, not that. Well what, what game was it? 'Math on the Move'." And then everyone laughs at you, including the bus driver. Practice mode is just as pointless. You sit and watch math problems, and they give you the answer. What's this teaching me, that my patience is running thin? This is something that could have been a VHS tape, not a PlayStation game- oh my god. It's so bad in the PlayStation soil. It's unclean. It's broken. I don't even it in my house anymore. Yeah, I know. The amount of PlayStation consoles may seem superfluous, but you'd be astonished at how many times I've had to cleanse my dwelling of begrimed and impure consoles tainted by shitty games. Buckle up, fuckaroos. I know I said Math on the Move was the worst, but this is the best of the worst. Calamity...something. Calamity: The Natural World. It starts off as any shitfest would, with those muddy full motion cinematics, indicative of electronic anal fudge. Calamity Jane gets a weird time machine from none other than Jules Verne. Because... why the hell not? Jules Verne really phoned it in on this one. He's supposed to be French, but sometimes he sounds German, I guess. I don't know, it's just all these conflicting accents going on. "Now, keep trying until you win. Don't give up." "Viva legit." Parallel to these events, two kids in the future are getting ready for a baseball game at Calamity Jane Middle School, when you guessed it. They're transported into the past and have to help the real Calamity Jane. So basically, it's a shitty version of Bill and Ted, yeah, and Calamity Jane. According to common history knowledge, she was an illiterate, alcoholic prostitute. Really great role model you dug up there, Lightspan. So, the kids need to help Calamity get the time machine up and running again. You know, they need to get back to the future, so they can get back to their baseball game. "...Calamity Jane. Cool, we've been transported to the past!" Their baseball game is in an hour, but, uh, from what I understand, They're in the 1800's right now, so... I think they have plenty of fucking time! Oh fuck it! I'm not gonna argue the logistics of this heap of pachyderm piss and shit. So to get the time machine running again you got to fix it, right? No, of course not. You have to read articles and answer questions. Imagine if that worked in real life? Like, "Oh, my car broke down! Here!" (reads magazine) That fixed the engine! Here! (Reads another magazine) That fixed the tire! Here! (Well, you get the idea...) That filled the gas. Beep, beep, let's go! So anyway the gameplay's as boring as the rest. Read shit, answer shit. It's as simple as that. Oh, and Jules Verne is just as bored as us. Verne: "Go back or quit." And for the love of fuck, and all that is assy and shitty, look at that wall of text Oh, this is teaching me a lot. This is teaching me how to scroll down. I mean, who's gonna read any of this? I'd rather have Captain Nemo pilot the Nautilus directly into my jejunum. That's the portion of the small intestine, between the ileum and the duodenum. In layman's terms, pretty far up my fucking asshole! Confound this repugnant discharge to the inferno of the future state of the wicked! For I and the exasperated electronic amusement connoisseur and to everyone, everywhere, enjoy your winter solstice holidays.
