Leukemia's Life Lessons: Overcoming Cancer, Fear, and Victim Mindset | The Proof Podcast EP #303

call his family he maybe has 5 days maybe his kidneys about to fail he's going to die I can live this dancing what comes [Music] next will be marvelous it's not real in my mind to think about having 5 days to live that fear that you would have experienced how do you turn that fear into hope when you're given a diagnosis like [Music] that I don't have time to think about this just tell me what is the solution how has that changed your perspective on life the whole experience made me realize love and connection is the number one thing like everything else became so irrelevant welcome back in today's episode I sit down with Axel shurer for a conversation centered on his battle with Burkett leukemia a rare fast growing type of blood cancer that nearly took his life in 2022 this is a story of a young person who has faced death and survived to share their experience and Newfound perspective on life a story of agonizing pain suffering blame self- responsibility hope and happiness and most importantly the story of love and connection please enjoy be marvelous cheers buddy really excited to be here yeah it's been a long long time coming and A lot's changed since I think we first maybe chatted about doing a show a lot A lot has changed so also this morning do you know this iPhone reminder what you did two years ago sometimes I think it's also on Instagram uh two exactly two years ago I was finishing round five of chemotherapy gosh and I saw pictures of myself and I know what I look like now and how I feel and I'm like that's only 2 years yeah we were we had dinner it dinner the other night and you were talking about how quickly you lost weight that was what really surprised me I have to look it up if there is a world record I I might have good chances because I lost 30 kilograms in the matter of a month yeah and you're a big guy you're what 90 kilg is kind of where you would sit normally a lot of muscle yeah yeah that must be a tough thing to watch yeah after all of that hard work putting so much work into your physical health then to see that kind of erode dissolve in such a quick space of time honestly back then when it happened I didn't care about the way I looked I just wanted to be healthy like I didn't give a damn about my the size of my biceps um I also knew it's going to come back very quick quickly because of muscle memory and but honestly I I didn't care but it must be scary though to see that much weight coming off that quickly yeah yeah yeah there's this one clip I'm going to send it to you I W that was the first time I could walk by myself to the toilet and I'm like I got to film this it was hard to look at myself but I have to film this one day it's going to going to be of use and it's going to help and it's going to inspire people so I took my camera out and I took my shirt off and I'm like okay that's going to be a transformation um yeah I'm glad that you you seem to to document a bit of it I'm not sure how much of it but but as you say that is very powerful and one thing that I've noticed from sort of watching from afar and looking at how people are engaging with the things that you're sharing it's the visual of the journey that seems to be it's it's resonating with people there's people that maybe going through something similar and feel seen or heard um and it's incredibly inspiring yeah the amount of messages we get every single day from people who either go yesterday I was on on my bike answering DMS and there was this one kid who had literally the same uh form of cancer and his mother would reach out to me and say like oh he's watching your stories every day and um I was like I'm going to I'm going to send him a little video and that is also what enables me now to talk about it because I didn't do it for 2 years I didn't I didn't feel comfortable I didn't feel the urge I didn't I didn't understand why would I do it and now something has shifted and clicked and back to the recording part honestly I didn't want to record anything it was my what was that block like what what do you think was stopping you from wanting to share was it vulnerability that for sure also there was this especially when I recovered I remember having this therapy session and I told my therapist I feel like because of this I'm I lost credibility I am like I talk about health I talk about those kind of things and you know I got cancer so that's a bit that that was like if I would just share my honest thought at the time I was like I'm less of a good coach because that happened but hang on so you were telling yourself that story must be based on the premise of I got cancer and it was my fault like were you blaming yourself because my understanding is that the type of cancer that you had the kind of causes are not even known it' be difficult to blame yourself for getting that cancer it would be difficult to say hey I developed this cancer because I was living in an unhealthy manner i h I'm not sure maybe I did I remember also asking myself early stages I would ask myself why me why me and I would ask the doctors and it drove me bananas ask a lowy question you get lowy results it drove me crazy to ask myself why me why me why did that happen to me and I and I asked them you know I asked the doctors why did this happen I ate healthy I exercised I did all of the things I didn't smoke I didn't drink all of it why on Earth me and they just said well sometimes Injustice happens sometimes [ __ ] happens what do you think we're going to we we have kids here who are 2 years old who just got leukemia what do you think we're going to tell them you didn't do your bre piece sometimes stuff happens and it's up to you to decide why it happened and I'm like oh okay and back to the moment with my therapist I yeah maybe partially I blame me like there could have been things that I could have done better for sure but it was probably just the fear of not not being enough and um felt like also showing myself like this is yeah for sure it's not not always easy it's also not I know it's not easy to watch for my for my loved ones my my ex partner she sent me a message yesterday um just you know before this episode I prepared and I went through all of the pictures and videos and I I I reached out and said like just you going through this with me was one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed in my entire life so I just want to I want to I want to say thank you tomorrow I'm going to be part of one of my favorite podcasts that I listen to and um without you I wouldn't be here and she then told me you know like good that you reach out because I saw your video and things come up you you know it's hard for them to watch I know that she played a really big role yeah in your I think without her I wouldn't be alive 1 million per. yeah there's kind it's kind of like the sub story when I was thinking about everything you've been through there's this beautiful sub story with your relationship with her and there's a bit for us to kind of hopefully unpack there but what when so you're speaking with your therapist yeah and you kind of have this sort of block or you don't feel called to share um when does that change how do you reframe things to say you know what I'm not going to blame myself here instead I'm going to offer the world a great gift because this experience that I've been through I can Inspire and I can teach other people that are perhaps going through similar challenges yes so what my therapist does is he calls it reality check he asked me okay you have that thought you have that belief let's do a reality check here let's see what reality really is like do you think be because of what you went through you learned anything new I was like yeah for sure I learned a lot of things and he's like yeah tell me I'm like okay well first of all my perspective on life changed because you know I was 26 and all of the I know what it's like to face St I know what really matters in life that's a unique perspective that usually only old people get to witness and um I would I I had to deal with fear something that affects everybody here everybody has fear fear of not being enough fear of not doing enough we all have it and you know it's one thing to recover from cancer it's a whole different game to then live without that fear dictating your inner State oh yeah that must be a huge burden for cancer survivors yeah it is every day I get this question how on Earth do you do that and because I went through this and because I asked for help and because I faced my I like to I don't like to call it cancer I usually like to call it teacher gives me a bit I don't know when I hear the word cancer it's there's this negative connotation also like my mom died right after I was born because of cancer and so I have a billion things that this teacher taught me and made me better as a person as a coach as like so many skills that I had to develop so many lessons that it taught me and so at the end he didn't have to say much he just asked questions I'm like oh my gosh you if anything I'm better because of this and now a couple years later I'm like okay I also see the power of sharing that story and it's not about me anymore I don't do anything I don't do social media because of me it's be it's always been about other people it's always been when I started it's been about animals and animal rights and it still is so I'm like okay if it inspires people well might as well share it that fear that you would have experienced you know I can't even imagine what that might have felt like to to you know I can kind of I can't imagine I just it's not real in my mind to think about having five days to live how how do you turn that fear into hope or how do you manage to have some some hope when you're given a prognosis a diagnosis like that you know there are fight flight or freeze responses in when I heard it for the first time I was like fight I didn't I didn't focus on the fear there was no time to to be afraid or something I remember how there were like five doctors around the bat I I I was on Morphin and I remember this so this this was a big moment I would look at them they would say it and I'm like I'm not exact I why you why you acting so seriously that's what what what's I responded like what's the problem here I I don't know if it was delusion or denial or denial but looking back it was good I was like yeah whatever there there's no chance that this is happening and um I honestly don't know where this response came from but it was it was gut it was hard I'm like no there's no chance that this is happening and that's also how my um how my loved ones reacted they're like no there must be a solution I was riding here this morning from U I've been in U last couple nights wow uh you're you're on the other side mhm um so my my bike ride this morning was a little bit longer and do you know Fred again no so he's he's an artist and he's touring in Australia at the moment and just randomly I got a coffee this morning and a friend of mine was trying to buy tickets to go and see Fred again and prompted me to listen to so I was listening to his music on the way here and rather serendipitously I was listening to this song and the lyric was if I can live through this what comes next will be marvelous wow what comes next will be marvelous wow I love that right and that song is I think it's called Maria by Fred again you got to play this epic dance tune I love that right that could be the theme song for this episode perhaps 1 million uh because when I was hearing that lyric I was I was just imagining that letter that you wrote to yourself I read that and I I I couldn't help my my eyes were watering honestly it was touching it was raw and [Music] uh I can see how if someone else is currently going through what you went through that that letter would offer tremendous hope and really is about the fact you know you I might get you to read the letter out I wrote it down do you think you can read my handwriting let's see oh well I wrote the letter so I should remember all right I'll try also my hand handwriting sucks as well so I shouldn't make comments dear Axel we might need tissues after this I know you're going through hell right now please keep going don't stop it's challenging to connect the dots at the moment but this is happening for you not to you one day you will look back and this time will lead to something amazing in Just 2 years from now life will be so much better but I understand that right now it feels like life feels like a horror movie trust that spring is coming spring follows winter it always did and it always will use this as a teacher it's not your fault Stop asking yourself why me you didn't deserve it it's a lesson challenge yourself to find what's good about your life right now and I think I said there was more but that was kind of the first three paragraphs or so that's what I needed to hear the most especially this why me question wasn't helpful there was a part in my life that I think the point where my life got so much better where when I stood up for myself and I moved out of victimhood I think I was 15 16 I would ask myself this question why me why did my mother died right right after I was I was born because of cancer I would ask myself like what did I do and then I grew up you know the people around me my caregivers they did their very best but they they were all alcohol addict I was mentally abused physically abused and at some point in my I remember asking like why on Earth me ask a lousy question you get lousy answers and so back then and also 10 years later shifting from why is this why is this happening to me to why is this happening for me changed everything I started blaming life not just for the bad things but also for the good things and that perspective shift was prior to this I did that be before so back then like I had to find a new story for my for my childhood it was a nightmare and at some point I realized okay because of all the hardship because of the challenges because of the abuse I am the man that I'm proud to be like I wouldn't be that man I wouldn't have the skills I wouldn't be so thoughtful I wouldn't be sensitive I wouldn't be able to read emotions that quickly I wouldn't be so close to my siblings and especially that part was like okay there's Beauty in that as well did you arrive in that place by yourself or was that also with the help of therapy or mentor books early in my life I couldn't afford therapy and mentoring so I just read and read and read and read every single book about psychology mindset that I could find and I found my own mentors at the time now it's you know therapy Retreat seminars events still books big reader um but honestly when it happened I forgot about all of this it was like didn't have time to think about it but then when once I got a bit better I'm like oh okay I have this toolbox and my brother and Mari my sister my loved ones basically reminded me of this toolbox so there's this moment and I would love to send you that clip so I maybe I give context so I had something called burket leukemia it's a very rare form of cancer you probably have never heard about it before hopefully you will never after this episode you will never hear about it again um it is rare but really aggressive I went from I sh you the pictures the other day I went from being able to squat 150 kg and I was fairly fit two I'm not I can't even walk anymore pretty modest you showed me that the uh the video of you working out what was that that was like a week before you were diagnosed I think two weeks and you were you were fit and you were jacked yeah I I was deadlifting 200 kgr um I was really fit I would do CrossFit and I was just really fit um and a couple weeks later I was fighting for my life couple weeks later I couldn't walk anymore a month later I started chemotherapy that was absolutely bananas and it started with some pain in your back yeah I had this first I thought it's a trapped nerve because you know that's stuff happens especially when you 150 kilogram that can happen um and so I'm like yeah okay well I'm going to take it easy and it got worse and worse and quickly worse and all of the sudden I couldn't sleep anymore you're in Prague at this time yeah yeah yeah I and when I couldn't sleep anymore I'm like okay maybe I should go see a doctor to to a hospital um so I went and they're like oh you have back pain okay well here's some painkillers you'll be fine like okay took the painkillers but whenever I didn't take pain it wasn't even a pain killer like it was a injection some type of steroid injection or something like like oh amazing I went to bed slept 10 hours I'm like great but now I feel pain again and it's 10 times worse um so I tried again I saw like so many different experts and nobody nobody really understood what it was and didn't take it seriously I'm like yeah you'll probably have back pain you know like you trapped a nerve or something you will get over it and like okay and at some point it just got so bad I could not stand anymore because the pain was so strong I was sweating and like it's horrible and so um yeah that's when when I said like I need to go to a hospital I need I need help right now and I need painkillers a lot of them because I can't handle any anymore um and that's that that's when things started to get a bit more serious right took a turn for the worst so you my understanding is that you go to hospital but it takes some time for doctors and even a change of environment to work out what is actually going on here yeah they knew quickly that it was probably a cancer well they did a CT scan and my my whole body was full of tumors this is still in in the Czech yeah it was in in PR but I didn't know I I was just I was in so much pain I didn't care my Mari would tell me so Mari is my ex partner um I'm just going to say Mari from now uh and just and and just so that we can kind of track that story to set some context here were you guys together when you were diagnosed or you yeah we were together we were I don't think I've ever shared that before um but our relationship at that point wasn't the greatest she just moved out of um our apartment that we shared together and um yeah it was a challenging time um but as soon as I as soon as she heard that I'm not feeling well she's like screw all of this I'm there for you um um so she went in there with with me and um she she protected me from most of the news she wouldn't tell me or she would I just got the chills she she would be very conscious about what words she used so that I don't get scared she would say lymphoma I was like what the what what is that like okay she's like I'll probably something with your kidneys you'll be fine and I needed that so in my mind I'm like okay it's something I'll get rid of it and um yeah it got just worse and worse and worse so quickly like in a couple of days I they had to give me Morphin that's how much pain I had like Morphin is no joke that's something you usually only give to patients who are like in a lot of pain you don't feel anything then or pallative care yeah so I'm on Morphin and um I hear the news and um I didn't I didn't really understand it I also didn't care it was this fight flight of free respond I'm like I'm I'm fighting I don't have time to think about this just tell me what is the solution and when I heard that the solution is obviously skipping something and I know you will ask questions the solution is chemotherapy and the odds I I wanted to hear numbers I think they threw numbers into the room like 70 80% of you survival I'm like 70 80% % let's freaking do this that sounds good I also know that I you know I treated my liver and my organs with a lot of respect so they can handle this and you're fit and healthy with a lot of muscle yeah I'll get through this because that's one of the biggest concerns right with chemotherapy is is muscle wastage and weight loss yeah yeah I I I I have to be honest I wasn't scared about that I I knew it recover like the muscle pile I did not care I'm not talking about from an aesthetic point of view I just think from an from a uh survival rate point of view it's advantageous to have more muscle tissue going into it yeah I had enough muscle tissue going into it for sure um yeah hey friends are you ready to take your fermented food game and gut health to the next level look no further than my digital guide plantbased ferments inside you'll discover some of my favorite recipes including my soy labet and homemade kombucha visit the proof.com ferments for more details that's the proof.com ferments okay that's enough from me let's get back to the episode So you you're in Prague yeah at what point and why do you move over to the German Healthcare System well I I was on Morphin like I didn't make many decisions it was they told my my um they told Mari call your family call his family he maybe has five days maybe like H his kidneys about to fail he's going to die and we can't put him on chemotherapies therapy because of his kidneys get his family in here as quickly as you can and she did that and were you aware of of what they had said about 5 days they probably told me but I had so much Morphin in my system I'm like yeah whatever I'll get through this and again my like they did such a good job my loved ones they did such a good job of protecting me from any kind of negative news so they protected you then but you can still now reflect on it yeah now I can reflect that I was in it it's funny because I don't know if this if you can relate to this but sometimes I think back to my past and I think about experiences I'm like was that even me it's hard to relate to but I'm sure you can go back to that that period and think about the fact that Mari was told you had 5 Days to Live thinking about that how has that changed your perspective on life that is usually that part um that's the hardest for me she told me later most of the stories like once everything was over she told me when I got the CT scan she was standing right next to the doct like the person who was supervising the CT scan and they're like tumors all over around my body and she told me what it was for her to see that how she was just you see the person you love the most in front of you you see like all the tumors on the and you're like he's going to die like imagine what it's like when they tell you your boyfriend the person you love is going to die call his family I don't know how much strength and courage you have to just say no he's not and instead of coming to me and like crying and um being scared she would she would come in she would bring me food she would she would sit next to me hold my hand and play like healing music that's her kind of kind of thing you know and would tell yeah it's probably one of the most loving things someone has ever done for me but it how did it change my perspective it made me the whole experience made me realize love and connection is the number one thing because in that moment I didn't I told you I didn't care about how I look I didn't care about my business I didn't care about Instagram all these like all of those things that were occupying my mind before engagement I was like screw all of this I would have given everything away take it in fact I would have even said if I need to if I need to ow if I need to repay 10 million bucks I'll do it everything to just be able to have dinner with Mari so when you take away all of those things that occupy our mind what is left I think it's love and connection that's what matters most all cared about is hugging the person I love most spending time with my siblings like everything else became so irrelevant that's one of the most beautiful gifts that this teacher taught me because now when I go back to the real world I don't stress so much about numbers anymore what do you do to to kind of keep that fresh in the mind not not lose sight of that you know it's it's easy to I can imagine to slip back into old old pattern where where uh now it's you know you're not facing death but uh it would be easy to kind of start to take some of these really meaningful important things for granted again potentially I'm putting words in your mouth there 1 million per well conversations like this helps me because I remember oh my God this is what you went through like this is what matters most every single time when I see Mari or I see my brother I see my sister I see my friends who went with me through this I'm like don't forget that so those are kind of the anchors in my life that remind me that time is limited you don't know how much time you have left nobody knows it's an illusion like sometimes we act as if we have another 200 300 400 years or we think we're Invincible right you you just expect you're going to you're going to make it until you're 90 100 I don't know what life what most people expect you know but probably like 80 90 truth is you don't know I think I think most people understand that but don't really want to spend time thinking about it because on face value it seems like a very morbid thing to contemplate your death or to realize that we not Invincible but what I'm hearing from you is that actually being in touch with the fact that life is not guaranteed doesn't have to be more but it can be a form of gratitude yes it's not it's doesn't have to be a scary thing it does not have to be a scary thing there's Beauty to it because it means time is precious how does someone get there that isn't in your situation they haven't had they haven't had a significant Health scare I mean there are million ways and I don't I don't ever want to scare people with my story I want to do the opposite I want to inspire them I want to give them I want to show them how beautiful life is I I don't think you have to necessarily think about death I think the opposite of gratitude is taking something for granted and or complaining and so if you just have a practice like you know go to the gym if you have a practice every day where you can just for couple minutes focus on all the things that are good about your life all the people who love you all the people that you love if you do that you make sure that you focus on the most important thing and it's very simple if you focus most of the time on What's Missing You experience lack and that's why you have people who have everything in terms of like money and fame but but they focus constantly on What's Missing and that's then what you experience So my answer would be have somewhat of a routine every single day where you focus on all the things that are good about your life all the people that love you because you don't want to end up at some point regretting not being able to tell them that you love them and then I would I would recommend to everybody you know reading books like the med meditations by Marcus aurelus such a good book or there is the speech by Steve Job in front of the Stanford University Have you listened to it he talks about perhaps one of the best speeches I've ever heard in my life and he talks about how he calls death the best invention of life because you realize that you are already naked you are not so scared anymore I'm not scared anymore of failing or like I don't care whether you whether John who trains with me in the gym likes me or not because I know it it doesn't matter I care about the people that I love I care about the people who love me that's all that matters and if you if you are able right now to zoom out out of your Matrix or whatever you want to call it and just see what really matters is I don't know if most people ask themselves what is actually the if [ __ ] would hit the fan what would really matter to me oh probably my kids probably my partner my health my health 1 million per. if you speak to someone who has lost their health they would tell you like this is the most important thing together with love and connection health or would you trade I would trade everything everything every single penny I I not just every single penny I would take that unlimited to just be able to walk again for 26 years I took those beautiful two legs for granted and all of the sudden I can't walk anymore that reminds me of a TED Talk have you heard of the the the girl who fell out of the sky no I'm curious there's this Ted Talk I think her name's Emma Emma carry hopefully I got that right it's called The Girl Who Fell from the sky sure WR a book about this too and she had a similar experience it's this one thing that's stuck in my mind Where She Went Skydiving so she was in her early 20s and I believe she was doing like the Europe trip kind of thing EST Str and girl and went skydiving tandem skydiving and something happened with the parachute and it ended up going around the uh instructor's neck and he he was unconscious as they were coming down and the parachute didn't open properly and so they had a crash landing but she survived and in an instance she went from you know being on the ground getting excited ready to skydive to being paralyzed unable to move her legs you just spoke then about taking your legs for granted and I just remember her she she she said so she tried to roll over and get cuz she was she was on the ground and he was on the top of her and she was trying to like roll over to check that he was okay and also just like to be a to stand up and realized even though she was sending the same messages that she would always send to move her legs she couldn't move them and she said I just wanted to like click undo you like on the computer yeah click click click undo I just want to go back 5 minutes 5 minutes um and you know so I hear these I hear what you're saying and I hear that and I can intellectualize this but it's so much harder to grasp when you haven't been through something like that so much easier to slip into these habits of taking things for Grant Ed I get it I think we human beings have the ability to learn in two ways either trial and error like kid burns his or her hand on a hot stove or oven or you learn from the mistakes of others and if you this this another great book the top five regrets of the dying where bronny wear interviews people on their deathbed this listen to those stories they tell you all the same thing nobody tells you like I wish I would have worked harder I wish I would have spent more time in the office I wish I would have gotten this promotion no they'll tell you I wish I would have spent more time with the people I love I wish I would have not been so scared of doing the things that I want to do I wish I would have lived more I wish I would have not cared so much about what other people think of me and be really unapologetically myself we were talking about this before how many people in your life can you truly be yourself around yeah in my case maybe couple we all you know we're wearing masks I mean it's a good sign I I told you before we should have recorded this I told you before like there coule I know someone is re I'm really close and I'm really connected to to someone when I C when I can start singing around that person and be really goofy like a like a little kid sometimes like the people who get to see that side I know those are the people who they have access to my heart like I can really let go off all the walls and masks and be really myself that that's also like a beautiful check-in with yourself like who are the PE who loves you who is the first person you think of when I ask you who loves you who do you love and that's you know you don't have to go through the same experience that I went through but I tell you that person that that person should be number one priority in your life together with your health because without Health you're screwed like you can't do the things you can't show up for your loved ones you can't do you think it's possible for other people to love you fully if you don't love yourself first I don't know I maybe maybe not I'm not sure but there's an interesting thing about love whenever you give love you feel loved and so I would start maybe you know you're listening to the podcast right now shoot a message to someone you really love not because it's their birthday but just because you're going to be happy one day that you did put your ego aside and start loving not just start living that reminds me recently my partner Tony we were sitting around and we were talking about my brother and she was like do you love your brother and I was like of course and she said well when's the last time you've told him and you know I had to be honest I hadn't told him that I love loved him for probably a decade or more you know it was assumed like I think he could feel the love and I could feel his love but it was it was never kind of verbalized and so she encouraged me to do exactly as you just said send him a message and immediately I was like scared and and I had to analyze it I'm like why am I scared here I'm well maybe I'm scared that he won't reciprocate mhm maybe maybe he won't write back and anyway so I said okay I'll do it in the next week she said do it now I've never met your partner but I already like her yeah so uh I did it uhhuh and I waited I waited and uh he wrote back and and said I love you too bro and so beautiful yeah it was a it was a beautiful kind of moment and and a reminder as you said to kind of sometimes we thinks think things like this are scarier than they actually are yeah and it's quite liberating 1 million per I'm also so grateful that you bring this up because my brother he doesn't get enough credits for you know this journey my recovery so much happened because of him he I don't I don't know if I mentioned it earlier but I remember this moment also suits like Tyson nice with the story line at the moment so we are in uh in Germany shite amazing hospital [Music] um I started round one of chemotherapy they did a bone marrow puncture they knew exactly what it was this how you do it yes your kidneys will probably fail uh so we have to put you on di dial dialysis is that how you pronounce it um beautiful machine saved my life but it's h of a process like everybody who has been on that machine it's one of the most challenging things I've ever done are you doing that by yourself or are you in a room with other people I'm no no no I couldn't be with anybody who is not like so so my everybody who was seeing me had to obviously disinfect everything had to wear this protective I don't know if there's a word for it but you needed this I'll call it like protective CL you you know what I mean like everything had to be sterile because my immune my immunity was so low that anything could have killed me like any slight infection I was not not allowed to eat raw vegetables or anything nuts and this was also kind of on the tail end of Co yeah yeah yeah it also it was Co so like if he gets Co he's SC like it could literally just kill him at that time um in you call it intens Care Unit I see you Intensive Care Unit Intensive Care Unit um just by myself in a room 7 million wires at some point I wake up imagine you wake up and you were like oh my gosh where am I I had no clue I look to the right so there's this big massive machine I lift the blanket I'm like where are all those wires coming from and what are they doing here like literally 25 wires connected to my body and I told you like I was on morphan so most of the things I just understood later my brother told me my sister told me mar told me what happened at the moment I'm like what is going on here and I had those weird hallucinations um and there there was this period probably like two weeks long where they didn't know if I would make it or not and I was most of the time I wasn't conscious cuz that's going to be hot on your family and Mari yeah that was terrible for them I don't remember anything from that time period I just remember the hall hallucinations because they were awful and they're also funny but also awful um and I remember laying there and I had 10 out of 10 pain even with Morphin it was horrible like I would I could my whole body was full of water because of like I started chemother Y and because it's it's such a aggressive form of cancer it the the cells are dividing so quickly it also is really sensitive to chemotherapy which is good but can also kill you because there's this thing there's probably fancy term for it too many dead cancer cells in your body and you SC like you die so when you say 10 out of 10 pain describe that for me is that a concentrated pain like it's in one one particular area or just shooting pain from especially in my back I don't know if it was you know all the water in my my system I went to 105 kilog and with the weight I lost because of the water I think I showed you a picture of my legs it was my whole body was just full of water from you know that cancer cells and just everything was like shooting pain everywhere especially my back um from laying I could not comfortably lay I was laying for weeks without standing up that's painful already so every couple hours someone would come in and move me like I had didn't have the strength to move myself so every two every hour every two hours someone would com and like I don't know how they did it but they like there were some crazy shites I've done that when I was a physio yeah yeah to stop you getting bed SES and exactly like I remember this it's just painful to lay to exist that was probably the most painful period and the there was only one person allowed to come in and they said like who's going to do the job Mari could have not done it I'm a heavy guy also and it would have been I would have just cried the whole time seeing her and I would have not said like you do anything so it was my brother and um if I think about someone who loves me the most my brother comes up and he would there's this I'm so happy at I have this on on record there was this flip chat in front of my bed and he said we're going to write down couple of goals things you want to do things you want to achieve and my brother is my biggest fan he follows my work everything I teach listens to my podcasts and so he remember I always preach about the importance of knowing what you want say older or younger he's uh young uh sorry older seven years 7 years older and he's like we're going to write down goals like are you kidding me I'm going through chemotherapy like what are you talking about he's like if you don't want to do it for yourself do it for Mari I'm like you son of a gun that's a good way to get you to buy in yeah I was like so we wrote down things like three push-ups back then I couldn't walk like I could not even stand up three push-ups standing for five minutes uh sorry 5 Seconds that was my first call 5 seconds and every day doubling that Walking 50 m like that was next time the nurse comes and sees the go him like I saw her laughing at it or like saying you going to do p like how you doing push-ups you can't even stand I'm like oh no this is during round one of K round one was the craziest one because it was um just too many de cancer cells died I was also on this dialysis machine which was Tak taking out my life energy it also saved my life I'm insanely grateful for the technology um but it's not a nice process I barely slept um but I had my brother with me every single freaking day he would come in I don't know how he did it because I was also not in my best mood sleep deprived malnourished that's understandable but he would he would just be positive he'd sit there make funny jokes be nice to the nurses he's the kind of sweetheart he would you know massage me the whole day and um yeah that teacher taught me like we got so close during that time and I could not be more grateful for someone in my in my life because you know I tell him all the time sometimes he gets a bit uncomfortable when I tell him I love you but I every single time I say I love like I freaking love you and knowing that bond between yourself and a sibling you know we don't see each other every day but I know I love him and he knows and he loves me and I know when [ __ ] hits the fan yeah he showed up for you big time and I would do the same thing and then that that's something maybe you know for someone who doesn't who has never been through something like this when you just there is the possibility at some point everybody will go through this at some point you're going to love you're going to lose someone that you love it's inevitable at some point someone will die you're going to feel amazing or you're going to feel so much better if they hurt their whole life that you love them and that you don't have regret imagine being 80 90 and you've never told your kids that you love them or your brother that's going to be painful past is wisdom so how about you do it right now why do you think we hold back we're scared ego why did you hold back yeah I was I guess I was scared that he wouldn't reciprocate what if I'm not loved what if not yeah does that matter it sounds like your brother I mean earlier you I think you spoke of this as a teacher and helping you reframe a a problem or challenge as as you like to say uh from something that's happening to you to something that's happening for you and then having some responsib ability to be able to move forward rather than playing a kind of Blame Game victim mindset sounds like him coming in and setting up goals and giving you a Target and things to work on may have been part of that shift 1 million per. and then also seeing the progress was just a lot of fun we went from 5 Seconds just stand for 5 seconds to okay next day we do 10 or okay next say we do 20 okay today first three steps before we started around chemother round two of chemotherapy there's also a clip of that I'm walking 50 m once a day it sounds ridiculous when you hear that walking it's not a big deal but you see that clip there's an oxygen mask on my face there's an O oxygen bottle I could the whole time I had oxygen supply because my lungs were full of water water every other day there would be a doctor who would do a lung puncture and get water out of my lungs so that I could breathe so just getting out of my bed was that was the biggest accomplishment of my day then like after that I had to rest for 3 hours also keep in mind I didn't walk for a couple of months or like a month I was just laying in a bed just standing up like oh I don't want to stand up okay do it for Mari do it for love like he had literally he was my personal trainer at the time like I said no I don't want to he's like you're going to do it just do it 321 I used this I preach about this three second rule and he's like three to one just do it just the first step what's the three second rule the three second rule Mel Robbins you know her she she's fantastic she wrote a great podcast yeah yeah yeah she has this 5sec rule she wrote the book 5 Seconds uh I think it's literally called 5c rule so you've adapted that to 3 seconds yeah yeah because if I count I can't count to five no I just find it you know when I'm like five four three no maybe don't do it 3 two one just do it so the the whole idea is you have an intuition you have an idea you have something that you want to do count 3 two one and just take the F step do the the just the first step the first step is usually the hardest and so it's like three two one just do it first time you can do it and I did it and every day and then I would be so excited to tell him about the process uh progress NE the next day and I would send it to Mari like look I'm I'm walking and she would cheer me on for that um and then at before round two started I was walking 50 m with this I don't know how you call that but you know it like supports you yeah it's like a type of assisted walking frame yeah exactly um yeah and I just put I had a lot of time to spend in a room so I wrote not only wrote on my goals one day Mari came in she's like we let's create vision boards for you you need something to look at and I would send her pictures she would print it out and put it on the on the whole wall pictures of things that matter to me I had a couple of Victor Frankle quotes in front of me a book that I've read couple times during that process man search for meaning I needed I needed a role model during that time like I needed someone I needed success stories I remember being on Instagram and looking for success stories for people who went through similar things made it out of there and lived a nice beautiful long life I couldn't find many and so I said if I make it out of here I'm going to going to be one of those success stories and I'm I'm going to share it and yeah so my whole wall was full of like Victor Frankle quotes for some reason I really like one important thing for me was to get old with a like I would there were pictures of old couples being happy I don't know why I saw it yesterday when I prepped the session um I was like why did I care so much about that that that was the picture that was more most important to me getting old having a family and being in love it comes back to to what is most meaningful probably and it was like it was subconsciously I just cared about that the most you put up a video I think it was EV Victor Frankle quote between uh stimulus and response there is a space and in that space lies your growth and your freedom unpack what that means to you so between stimulus and response if you hear news if something happens anything there is time and spa space to respond to whatever happens and if you have the ability to to pause and just see I'm the person who gives things meaning it's me I can say this is the end of the life of my life and I'm going to stay in victim mode or this is the beginning of a new life it's up to me one thing happens you get plenty of different interpretations of the same event so that's your power that's your freedom full self- responsibility I love that word self- responsibility your ability just listen responsibility respons your respons ability so it's not the event that makes it stressful it's you it's your interpretation of the event that makes it stressful and that's so powerful because then you are creating your life you have to be able to pause and and and and get awareness of whatever you're experiencing in order to to then change your response 1 million per. it's also scary place but it can also be a beautiful place because then you can you can change your reality because life is not about what what happens to you it's about how you deal with it that dictates the quality of your life there's one thing one thing happens one person responds with anger and the other person responds with laughter you know in Germany where I'm from if someone hongs you get angry in in Bali someone hungs and like ah I'm just telling you then I'm here all is good life is beautiful it's the same thing two different responses and there are so many examples that I could give but it starts with your responsibility saying like hey I'm in control here I'm giving things meaning and that's what Victor Victor frankl's work is about you imagine you are so in that moment it helped me so much because I knew that guy is in a concentration camp he lost his family his family was killed in front of him and somehow he manages to even help and Inspire others he comes out of this and no one would have blamed him or shamed him for choosing victimhood it was awful but he's like no I'm going to dedicate my life to helping others I'm going to have fun I'm going to find love again and that to me was like yes this is the kind of story that I need in my life right right now because otherwi like otherwise I get crazy I need a compelling Vision I need a compelling future that's also what something he talks in this book about the people who who died the quickest were the people who didn't have a compelling Vision something that happens afterwards he he said about himself he was so excited about finishing that book that he was writing before that that motivated him for me it was I can't like I'm so excited to one day walk out of here and just be able to travel with Mari again so excited to sit in a Go-Kart with my brother and race each other I'm so excited to go to the gym again to go back to Bali at some point I have to I needed this vision board I needed to see all of the things that I can still do that gives you hope yeah and you need hope you need faith you need something exciting in the future so easy to fall into victim playing the victim you know um I I was in LA this is like a year ago or so and I'd fallen into this trap of playing victim I had uh come out of a six-year relationship and that didn't end as I would have liked and kind of you know lost my relationship my dogs where I lived in my community my restaurant and I was for a while in a very I had this I adopted a victim mindset and I was blaming a lot of external factors and the reason I share this is because I think I think what you just described it starts with some form of awareness in order to to to have this kind of responsibility self- responsibility you have to have awareness and I lacked that awareness and I had a conversation with Rich Roll this is off air and it it it actually just took someone who cared enough about me to say to me I think you need a reexamine all of the events where you're at now and not blame yourself but hold yourself accountable how did did you contribute to the relationship dissolving how did you contribute to where you are now rather than focusing on who else might be at blame or at fault and that it's a hard process yeah it is right because you have to get you have to get real with the person who matters the most in your life which is yourself yeah and what I realized through that my biggest learning from that was that until you can get really real with yourself and be accountable and have this kind of self respes responsibility you you can't fully love yourself yes I completely agree and in my case many of my thoughts and also my actions were not aligned with what my values and and and beliefs were but I can categorically say as soon as I started taking accountability and instead of playing the victim and and not not blaming myself but seeing you know what are the lence my happiness started to grow life became so much better yeah it free you because if you blaming is very easy it's a Le resistance right exact it's yeah 1 million per taking responsibility takes guts and courage it also means that you probably made some mistakes that you did some things wrong I probably we skipping a bit of of the story here but I referred couple of times to Mari and that we're not together anymore and whenever I shared that on social media um like for my community it was heartbreaking when I when I when we talked about it and we talked about it seven eight months after it happened so we had time to digest it um I remember going into that same like I knew all of this and I still went to victim mode like for for two weeks I was like just like how on Earth are you doing this right now and then the wife of my therapist said a beautiful thing he said no breakup ever happens out of the blue you can spend your time focusing all of on all of the negative things that you are ex partner that you're that happened in your past you're giving all your power away in that moment and it's also not fair it would be only fair if you blame the person not just for the bad things but also for the good things one of the most healing things I've ever done I've ever done I don't know if I ever shared this I don't think so I do this because I feel comfortable with you so Mari we were in La at the same time uh I think you were in La too then doesn't matter Happen LA to La your father's going to break up with you so um for me it C it felt like out of the blue she ended things um and it was devastating for for me because I thought that's the one like I'm going to marry her in my head I married her already that's hard uh I already we already had a name for like or kids and Stu I just thought thought this is it like I like the thing we went through together that created the strong bond and it it's not going to end I took it for granted I have to admit like I sometimes I regret that um and I would go into victim mode for a couple of weeks like why did you do that and why didn't you do it like this and it would have been nice to know before and blah blah blah blah blah blaming her blaming her like for weeks I was blaming her um and I went to I remember that day I went to Tony Robbins event and he said exactly that thing if you blame life for the bad things you also have to blame life for the good things if you blame people for all of the all of the [ __ ] they did wouldn't it be fair to also tell them about all of the beautiful things they did and how about you write a letter or you call someone who needs to hear about the good things as well and like you son of a gun so the event ends I pick up my my phone I haven't talked to Mari in weeks pick up the phone I call her I'm like I have 4% battery left I'm like Mari I have 4% battery please just listen I don't expect an answer a respond nothing I just want to tell you something and I told her about all of the good things as well you know thank you for being there with me through the most difficult time of my life thank you for the massive growth thank you for all the honesty for all the love there I think what the reason why I have such defined apps is also because of her because she's one of the funniest people alive like belly LS um love a good belly L love a good belly love right so good for your thank you for all the delicious food thank you for it you know whenever I had a problem I could just call you and I still can and also thank you for Having the courage to break up with me because I really needed it and I was like where did this just come from but I felt it it was honest and I really believed that it was the right thing for her and for me for all our happiness and that was the most freeing moment and then I know I can talk about her with a smile on my face and happiness and I feel I still feel that appreciation and gratitude for her that's self- responsibility that's not blaming 10 million times more empowering hey friends if you'd like to stay connected and reinforce the valuable insights from this show let's connect on Instagram you can find Me @ Simon Hill that's Simon Hill I look forward to seeing you there all right let's dive back into the episode okay let's come back to hospital we need to fully unpack this story yes so I as I can kind of picture it you have this Vis visualization board you have goals you have all these things to maintain hope to cultivate positivity but I have to imagine it can't all be roses it this must be ebbing and flowing there must be moments like to take us into the experience into the shoes of someone that's going through this what was that wrestle like between despair between anger frustration blaming and then thinking about the old couple on the visualization board or going to the gym and what did that look like I would say thank you for mentioning that uh because sometimes I sugar cold things I think 5% of my day was good 95% was [ __ ] especially the time when I didn't feel physically well um and I remember just crying for hours and hours just being in my bed especially doing the evening and just crying and like what did just happen and the better I got physically the worse I got mentally because also you know all of those nice little painkillers you got got and they all of the sudden they're like oh you feel better so we reduce it and at some point I wasn't taking anything anymore now you have to deal with it no I have to deal with it and I reme I remember this vividly laying in my bed just crying for hours in the third day of in in a row just I didn't no nothing happened I just I was just crying crying felt like my body needed to cry and release all of the trauma that just happened and where awful things that happened so many you know people touch me at places where you don't want to be touched and sometimes I felt treated like a looking back like a not like a human being you know they needed to do this but I remember laying in the hospital I was so I had so much pain there was this doctor in front of me I didn't understand the language and all of the sudden I have a finger inside of my butt I was like what is this and I couldn't do anything you know they try to help me but it's like something you have to deal with at some point I had a catheder that's not a nice thing to run a run around with those meant to be damn painful yeah and it's also just I couldn't go to the toilet by myself did you start to lose your ID and I'm all about Freedom I'm all about self sufficiency you know I'm the strong guy that's my identity I'm strong I can do whatever I want and all of the sudden teacher I had to rely on other people literally to take me to the toilet I had to ask someone for help and in the past I used to have difficulties to ask for help I was conditioned my whole childhood to not ask for help do it by yourself now I had to literally press a button and like I need to go to the toilet can you please help me very humbling experience now it's so helpful because now I have can have a team and tell them like hey can you help me I'm like I'm a bit overwhelmed or like I can't do all of this by myself like can you just help with this process but back then my days were horrible most of the days if you would have been a fly in my head at that time especially when during that first round of chemotherapy I was really scared of death I was I had those moments like overall you know I was like I'm going to make it but I had moments where I'm like am I going to die were there things running through your mind at that time where you thought I wish I had have done this I wish I had have done that oh yeah I wish have I wish I would have not worked so much for sure I wish I would have been nicer to marry at certain times be less stressed take a more holiday for sure turn your freaking phone off don't work so much don't stress so much about things that don't mean like yeah I had regret 1 million per I had I lived a beautiful life before that and I saw that as well but I had regret you know I could live wherever I want to live I had my own business I was would say fairly successful coached people that I wanted to coach like it was good but I still had regret and you you had done all of that coming from a very small town right in Germany I'm a village boy yeah and like six years ago I didn't even speak English I remember you're doing great thank you so you're doing you're actually doing better than me good day mate um yeah and but thank you so much for mentioning that because that's that's important and not often I don't talk often enough about those moments because I had fear of dying I had the fear of dying of course I had the fear of dying I also had the fear of it returning later is that fear of of it returning later something that will always be there for you I don't think so I got I well maybe maybe it's there somewhere I just got a lot better with dealing with it and also obviously time helps what's what's something that people who haven't gone through cancer treatment something that people maybe don't understand about the journey your experience what is something they don't understand yeah like what what are what's something about your experience that you learned uh about going through cancer treatment that perhaps people on the outside are just completely unaware of of what that person's going through I think we talked about it but that's that's the correct answer or like my my experience facing death that's what I didn't do it for 26 years I took my life for granted I thought you know I'm living healthy I'm eating healthy I'm going to live until I'm 100 120 for sure and I don't think we when I was 18 I read that book meditations by Marcus aelius then I thought about like oh my gosh I want to make my I want to really live I remember that line and not everybody everybody dies but not everybody lives I'm like I really want to make it count I want to really live someone who goes through cancer treatment will face you know that's what you think about am I going to die the word cancer itself has such a big impact immediately when you hear cancer you like fear it's very provocative it's like [ __ ] cancer it's almost like when someone has a heart attack or something compared to when you hear someone has cancer they like cancer oh my gosh heart to take okay obviously nothing nice but I think this cancer word activates fear in people and someone who goes through cancer treatment knows what it's like to face death for sure and that gives you a unique opportunity and I wish for people who listen to this episode right now just for a second that they understand that time is limited such a precious thing how important are things like meditation and breath work things that you practice on a daily to to kind of get that cultivate that awareness that perspective and keep it front of mind every single day I do it every single day I sit down and I think about the people I love every I think every every day I think about the for some people it might be extreme or not but I like to ask myself hey time is limited which is a fact time is precious it's a fact how do I want to spend my time what do I want to create today what do I want to achieve today not to just put things on my to-do list so it's on my to-do list but to actually create things that I'm really proud of like would I do this if you know today would be the last day of my life if it's if the answer is no I don't want to do it anymore like what for to have one more zero on my bank account will it matter no you know you're not taking all of your belongings with you once you die like they're gone they're not yours right now you think they're yours but as soon as you as soon as life is over they're like okay well someone else will own it it's not yours but what forever is yours are the memories that you make with people the connections the love that's what you will be most proud of you telling your brother like I love you and doing fun things together that's what counts so you go through first round of chemotherapy that's the hardest that's that's that's the round of ch therapy that takes its greatest toll on your body where I think you you went from that's when you went from 90 kg down to 60 so you you lost 1/3 of your body weight and was was a lot of that simply because you you weren't eating enough calories you lost your appetite or well I was in a huge calorie def deficit that's for sure I also I was nauseous during the first round I was throwing up um yeah I I wasn't needing I think it also takes a lot of energy to you know for your body to respond so my body was basically just burning my muscle mess was there a lot of focus on on nutrition from the doctors at that point to try and attenuate some of this ah I remember this day so vividly they came in and they said well this guy they talked to my brother they couldn't talk to me like I wasn't I wasn't really aware they didn't talk to me like I had the attention span of a goldfish told my brother either he's eating now or we have to I don't know the medical term but there is a way to you know get calories in through this do you know the term of it it's a tube a feeding tube yeah a feeding tube but it's like obviously a pretty invasive type of thing to not comfortable not comfortable they said it's not nice it's not if he can eat eat I'm like I don't want to eat I'm throwing everything up I don't want to eat so so my brother was like you have two choices this or that what are you going for I'm like well give me the freaking food I'll start eating and I started eating and as soon as as I would get nauseous I would tell them I'm getting nauseous they gave me something so that I don't throw up I'm like okay beautiful and every day I ate a little bit more um did they want to change the way that you ate or did you just eat anything and everything then like I mean just to create some context here you went into this eating a whole food plant-based diet yeah I've been vegan for eight years um I went into it eating you know mainly Whole Foods and um mainly organic like but it's a hospital right so I didn't have high standards and remember that one moment where a nurse came in she brought me the food and she would say you know it would be much easier if you just go vegetarian for that time I'm like yeah but I don't care I find it a bit rude to say that but whatever uh and I had had amazing people around me who would bring me food the food that I want like people in Berlin I would just text them they would literally ask me a what do you want to eat I'll cook every day for you and I bring you food and I had this very specific diet they wanted me to avoid nuts um raw veggies raw fruits none of it like everything had to be cooked or either with a peel so that I that we decrease the risk of an infection but I basically had a team of of cooks I said what I wanted to eat and they brought me what I wanted to eat I got so much better once I started we call it um Fafa uh it's pancakes it's not a real word we call it Fafa only my community will understand it at some point Mari started speaking ger yeah F in German um and Mari tried to say it and she called it faf so she started bring me pancakes with berries she would cook the berries and plant yogurt and as soon as as I started eating that I got so much better so much stronger the next day I doubled the U duration of my my walk I'm like yes that's what I needed um but yeah so they asked to to change it but there was also like one Doctor Who's vegan as well and she's like keep doing that I like that and I don't know if it was the whole food plant-based diet but um round two round three round four I was able to eat the whole time like I gained weight I gained 15 kg you're you're an outpatient at that stage so you're like you're able to get treatment in the hospital and go home or you stay yeah for a couple of days yeah yeah and then back to the hospital next round when whenever I got chemotherapy which was high does chemotherapy um I had to be like there was a procedure in itself like it was I don't know how they did that but it was a miracle did you meet many other people I know this was during Co so it may may have been a different set of circumstances but did you were you able to meet and have conversations with anyone else going through couple people but not many because it was Co and also people who go through cancer treatment usually have um low immunity so you try to stay away from other people so it was pretty isolated most of the time I was by myself at what point I have to imagine there was a point where doctors said Axel you're in the clear we got on top of this we did it you did it mhm one most of them don't do that which I understand because then if something happens you're like hey you told me but one of them like I I was begging them I was like asking them please tell me will I survive this I remember the moments you know they came in I'm like what am I like I want to hear numbers I want to have hope tell me and one moment he's like if you survive the first round you'll be fine that's reassuring and then nurse came in I remember and she was really like like feminine loving her and like do you think I can I remember asking her that was week one like round one I was like do you think I can have kids and she's like yes I didn't know her but she was so loving and caring she's like you got this just hearing that from a pure stranger like did something I wish I could send her a love letter and say thank you but I don't know what she looks like too much Morin also you know everybody was wearing masks and like protective things I'm like yeah thank you you might be able to find out in the records somehow I'd love to I think she I who knows maybe she's watching it but those nurses those are heroes having kids that's a discussion that a lot of people that go through chemotherapy that's something that people would be great grappling with there may be people listening that have gone through similar explain what chemotherapy means or or May mean from a fertility point of view building a family so obviously I have to say I'm not an oncologist so always double check and I appreciate this question his yeah no no no I have no um forgive me if it's a little intrusive no no no I forgive you you told me you told me everything yeah yeah go for it go for it you're my favorite Australian with your sh usually I would say most cases you have a bit of time to prepare those kind of things you can especially if you're bit younger and you still want to have kids you can you know um we live in a time with where we advance in terms of you know you can freeze your um eggs sperm and prepare for those kind of things and it's okay um and you can have kids actually there's a beautiful do you know Aon and back yes no no I've never met them but we have had some dialogue back and forth yes lovely people um they actually sent me a video when I got when I got the diagnosis and I shared on social media they sent me a video and it meant so much to me and back couple weeks later got diagnosed with breast cancer and we would send each other like quotes and we would send each send each other messages while because we went through chemotherapy together like at the same time and um I saw her journe journey and she you know frow her do you call it EG M yeah um she frows her eggs and seeing now them being pregnant and stuff on social media means the freaking well to me like it's so beautiful beautiful to see and I like to look at those kind of stories like success stories like beautiful um and in my case it's they told me about like hey this is chemotherapy this this is what we think will happen um we would like to freeze your sperm in case you want to have kids I was like yeah I want to have kids I want to have a whole freaking football team so chemotherapy obviously um attacks attacks bad cells let's just call them bad cells for now but also good cells cells you don't want to be attacked and that influences impacts your fer fertility that's why you you know try to freeze your ax or your sperm um and so they were like we got to do this and at that that was when it was the worst when I felt so sick when I couldn't eat where it was just throwing up all the time and so we tried but it didn't work out so surprisingly like you have you feel like you're dying you haven't eaten for weeks try to have an orgasm it's not really a priority and um try to do it by yourself in a hospital room having so I had the catheter they removed the catheter and now you have a couple of hours window before we have to insert that thing again I still can't get my head around the time scale how quickly this occurred yeah this is like three weeks after you're in the gym had never even heard of lemia yeah I didn't know what that was burket lymphoma what the heck I don't know like I've thought I'm I'm healthy I'm untouchable like I'm didn't never think about I could get sick um yeah and I tried didn't work out remember telling Mari about it and she's like you know what we'll figure it out worst case we adopt like what a woman yeah and I mean we kind of we say worst case but you don't know I until now I've never been I I never tested it so long story short like it didn't work out I couldn't freeze it um but I don't know maybe it does maybe it doesn't I for a long time that was one of again if you would be a fly in my head that was really important to me and it was like fck will I ever be able to have kids will I ever have to will I ever be able to have my own family and um I work on this I work through this and my answer is yes I don't know in what form but I will if it means that I get to adopt kids if that's whoever like I believe I'm not the most religious person but I but I believe in somewhat of a higher power Universe someone who protects me if if I'm supposed to have kids in that way so be it and it's going to be pleasurable and fun and it's much more empowering to than to say like okay I can't have kids again between stimulus and response there is a space I could say like all right I can't have a family because of that or well maybe have a different a different kind of family and give kids a chance and I always wanted to adopt give kids a chance to have a beautiful life and take care of them and if that's the form so be it I feel like this is just our first conversation I hope so because we're kind of just dipping our toes into your story and really just like a reminder of the fragility of Life yeah so precious and and getting clear on what matters most and Hope inspiration you know I read the comments of people uh on some of those videos you've put up and there is a tremendous amount of hope that people are are are receiving through your story so thank you for sharing so openly uh leave leave someone with some thoughts here that maybe right now is in a space where they think you know everything is happening to them they haven't been able to reframe it as as for them they they feel like they have a lot of problems in their life and perhaps don't have a lot of Hope Yeah couple of thoughts first thought would be even if life is really hot at the moment i' would like to ask you what is good about your life in that moment what is good in that situation and what's wrong what's bad is always available and what's good is also always available we went through chemotherapy I went through chemotherapy with Mari and she would ask we would ask each other what is one thing we can do today that is fun what is good about right now oh my gosh we have time for each other she always said she she always wants me to you know just chill she wanted me to chill and watch Netflix and stuff and all of the time all of the sudden we had time to do that how beautiful is that right and she they needed to like my family needed to cheer me out because it was a hard time so just that that one thing one thing every day what is good about right now what is good about this moment and if I think back like I could have thought about a lot of things the people in my life my brother that connection all the people who support me and I wish I could see the faces of the people who are listening right now I you the person listening knows there is something there is some kind of Beauty in that moment focus on that that's all you that's all like when you go through a terrible time it's going to be terrible and I'm not like delusional it's all roses all butterflies and sunshine no it's terrible it's it hurts like winter can be tough but can you find a way to make winter more enjoyable to play in the snow and then spring is coming at some point like no winter is Forever at some point spring is coming you can almost count on it you know every year you have a winter and then a spring is coming so knowing that this pain is just temporary and at some point this difficulty will lead to opportunity if you let it difficulties are usually followed by opportunities I wouldn't be sitting here with you I think right now in this moment and I'm having the time of my life if this would have not happened my life wouldn't be so good right now if this thing didn't happen back then in the moment it was hard to here but people told me hey it's ex it's just I remember my brother telling me and I told him like I'm I'm scared of dying he looked me in the eyes he's like Axel it's going to be six months of your life of your very long beautiful life it's just 6 months it's temporary it's going to be okay so knowing the message that I have for every listener is spring is always following winter without exception what a beautiful place to end this thank you so much for joining us Axel thank you thank you for sharing yeah um love to have you back on I'd love to we're working on a book so can't wait to share that with the world when when do you expect that to be finished year okay I'll send it to you yeah I will read it I'll share it where can people uh find you I mean I definitely want everyone to go we've been having some good games right I was surprised about how good you are and how fast yeah you know back in school I could always Sprint wasn't great with endurance but I think I surprised you getting to a couple of those bows yeah I was like wow that guy is fast um so we'll send people to Instagram yeah they have to go there and check out some of these reals to really uh get a feel for this journey that yeah and also for your community everybody who wants to try meditation breath work we T talked about this plays a big role in my life everybody who uh comes from your community gets three months completely for free no charge whatsoever of my membership you find like guided breath work sessions guided meditations life events I'm really into like offline events as well if they just send us the keyword Simon three months can always cancel anytime we're very grateful for that of course have a podcast as well so we got a podcast L to the podcast we link to socials website where you can sign up yeah for the three months you can also just DM us Simon yeah and everything will be in the show notes wonderful thanks Axel thank you so much for having me it's been a pleasure there you have it friends I hope you enjoyed this episode if you did and want to stay up to date with future episodes be sure to hit that subscribe button on YouTube and follow on Apple or Spotify finally thank you for showing up and the effort that you're making to take control of your health I look forward to hanging out with you again in the next episode marvelous

Channel: The Proof with Simon Hill

Views: 5,229

Keywords: simon hill, science, nutrition, evidence, facts, diet, how to, vegan, plant based, healthy living, wellness, podcast, conversation, the proof, the proof podcast, plant proof, health, the proof with simon hill, fitness

Id: 5Z6zZXLaIss

Length: 98min 59sec (5939 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 04 2024