WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY. I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ARE YOU GUYS ENJOYING MARCH MADNESS? ( CHEERING )
SPEAKING OF MADNESS, DONALD TRUMP. WE'RE ON THE BRINK OF ANOTHER
CRISIS BECAUSE IT REALLY FEELS LIKE TRUMP IS GEARING UP TO FIRE
SPECIAL COUNSEL AND GUY WONDERING HOW MUCH HE'LL GET FOR
HIS BOOK DEAL, ROBERT MUELLER. THIS SATURDAY, TRUMP'S ATTORNEY
AND SHAVED PETER PETTIGREW, JOHN DOWD, CALLED FOR "THE IMMEDIATE
SHUTDOWN OF THE SPECIAL COUNSEL PROBE INTO RUSSIAN INTERFERENCE
IN THE 2016 ELECTION." DOWD MADE THE DEMAND IN A EMAIL
SENT TO A REPORTER THAT WAS WRITTEN IN PURPLE COMIC SANS. ( LAUGHTER )
REALLY! SOUNDS INAPPROPRIATE UNTIL YOU
REMEMBER THAT THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE WAS ORIGINALLY
WRITTEN IN WINGDINGS. ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH. REALLY WORRIES US, FOLKS, IS
THAT THE NEXT DAY, TRUMP TWEETED --
"WHY DOES THE MUELLER TEAM HAVE 13
HARDENED DEMOCRATS, SOME BIG CROOKED HILLARY SUPPORTERS, AND
ZERO REPUBLICANS? ANOTHER DEM RECENTLY ADDED... DOES ANYONE THINK THIS IS FAIR? AND YET, THERE IS NO COLLUSION!"
YES, "HARDENED DEMOCRATS." YOU DON'T WANT TO MESS WITH
THEM. THEY'LL WALK RIGHT UP TO AN OLD
LADY AND THEN STICK HER WITH A SOCIAL SECURITY CHECK. ALL RIGHT? "YOU STAY DOWN OR I'LL GIVE YOU
SOME HEALTH CARE!" ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED IT! >> Jon: I NEED A LITTLE BIT OF
HEALTH CARE! ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT WAS MY DEMOCRAT. >> Jon: NICE. >> Stephen: BY THE WAY,
MR. PRESIDENT, EVERY TIME MUELLER ANNOUNCES
INDICTMENTS, MANY DEMOCRATS ARE HARDENED. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THIS IS SIGNIFICANT BECAUSE UNTIL NOW, TRUMP HAD NEVER
ATTACKED MUELLER BY NAME IN A TWEET. WHICH IS A MOMENT SO SIGNIFICANT
IT DESERVES IT'S OWN FILM "CALL MUELL BY YOUR NAME." I HEAR THERE'S A HOT
IM-"PEACH"-MENT SCENE. ( LAUGHTER )
ASK SOMEONE WHO'S SEEN IT. ( LAUGHTER )
REPUBLICAN SENATORS HAVE IMPLIED THAT FIRING UELLER WOULD BE A
MISTAKE, LIKE SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR LINDSAY GRAHAM:
>> ARE YOU WORRIED THAT THE PRESIDENT IS PREPARING TO ORDER
THE FIRING OF MUELLER? IT SURE LOOKS THAT WAY FROM HIS
TWEETS. >> WELL, AS I SAID BEFORE, IF HE
TRIED TO DO THAT, THAT WOULD BE THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF HIS
PRESIDENCY. >> STEPHEN: WAIT-- IT'S NOT EVEN
THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF HIS PRESIDENCY? I THOUGHT WE WERE AT THE MIDDLE
OF THE BEGINNING OF THE END! I SHOULD'VE GONE TO THE BATHROOM
WHEN REINCE PRIEBUS LEFT! NOW, I'VE GOT TO HOLD IT TO THE
MIDTERMS. AND WE KNOW TRUMP IS IN A FIRING
MOOD, BECAUSE THIS WEEKEND FORMER F.B.I. DEPUTY DIRECTOR
AND EXTRA FROM "APOLLO 13", ANDREW MCCABE WAS FIRED JUST TWO
DAYS BEFORE HIS RETIREMENT! WHAT? NO! NO! NO! NO! WRONG! IF YOU WANT TO GET RID OF A COP
TWO DAYS BEFORE HIS RETIREMENT, YOU DON'T FIRE HIM. YOU SEND HIM OUT ON ONE LAST JOB
WITH A ROOKIE. ( LAUGHTER )
"SHARON'S ALREADY WAITING FOR ME UP AT THE CABIN. TWO MORE DAYS AND I'LL FINALLY
GET TO BE THE HUSBAND I ALWAYS PROMISED TO BE. THAT WOMAN IS A SAINT. SHE'S ALREADY UP AT THE LAKE
WITH THE GRANDKIDS. THEY CALL ME PEE-POP. ANYWAY, I'M GONNA GO LOOK BEHIND
THOSE SUSPICIOUS SHIPPING CONTAINERS. YOU STAY HERE, KID." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND, BECAUSE HE WAS FIRED TWO DAYS BEFORE HIS RETIREMENT,
MCCABE LOSES HIS $60,000 A YEAR PENSION. $60,000. THAT'S LIKE HALF A PORN STAR
PAYMENT. ( LAUGHTER )
OH, WELL. ( PIANO RIFF )
OH! OH! HERE'S THE THING --
THE REASON MCCABE WAS GOING TO BE FULLY VESTED IN HIS PENSION
ON SUNDAY IS BECAUSE IT WAS HIS 50TH BIRTHDAY! IN FACT, TRUMP SENT HIM THIS
CARD. "HAPPY 50TH BIRTHDAY. YOU'RE NOT GETTING OLDER... YOU'RE GETTING FIRED." ( APPLAUSE )
NICE. THANKS VERY MUCH. NOW, THIS COULD ALL BE PERFECTLY
INNOCENT. MCCABE HAD BEEN UNDER
INVESTIGATION BY THE INSPECTOR GENERAL OF THE F.B.I. SO TO AVOID LOOKING LIKE HE'S
TRYING TO SHUT DOWN THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION, ALL TRUMP HAD TO
DO WAS NOT DANCE ON MCCABE'S GRAVE. SO HE TWEETED:
"ANDREW MCCABE FIRED, A GREAT DAY FOR THE HARD-WORKING MEN AND
WOMEN OF THE F.B.I. A GREAT DAY FOR DEMOCRACY. SANCTIMONIOUS JAMES COMEY WAS
HIS BOSS AND MADE MCCABE LOOK LIKE A CHOIRBOY. HE KNEW ALL ABOUT THE LIES AND
CORRUPTION GOING ON AT THE HIGHEST LEVELS OF THE F.B.I.!"
AND MR. TRUMP KNOWS A LOT ABOUT CHOIR BOYS. EVERYONE WHO WORKS FOR HIM IS
GOING TO SING. ( CHEERING )
( PIANO RIFF ) MAYBE NOT MANAFORT. LET THAT SINK IN FOR A SECOND. THIS IS A SITTING PRESIDENT
GLOATING ABOUT FIRING A RESPECTED, CAREER F.B.I. OFFICIAL, AND SMEARING ANOTHER
WHOSE FIRING LED TO THE APPOINTMENT OF THE SPECIAL
COUNSEL. AND NONE OF THAT SHOCKS ME AS
MUCH AS THE FACT THAT HE SPELLED "SANCTIMONIOUS" CORRECTLY. ( LAUGHTER )
NOT AN EASY WORD. I THINK HE WAS TRYING TO SPELL
"SAXOPHONE." AND HE WASN'T DONE:
"THE FAKE NEWS IS BESIDE THEMSELVES THAT MCCABE WAS
CAUGHT, CALLED OUT AND FIRED. HOW MANY HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS
OF DOLLARS WAS GIVEN TO WIFE'S CAMPAIGN BY CROOKED H, FRIEND,
TERRY M, WHO WAS ALSO UNDER INVESTIGATION? HOW MANY LIES? HOW MANY LEAKS? COMEY KNEW IT ALL, AND MUCH
MORE!" THAT'S A DAMNING ALLEGATION. ALSO A GREAT BLURB FOR COMEY'S
NEW BOOK. "COMEY KNEW IT ALL, AND MUCH
MORE!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) HE'S COMING ON HERE. COMBY'S COMING ON HERE TO TALK
ABOUT THE BOOK. YEAH. AND COMEY WASN'T THE ONLY ONE TO
WRITE THINGS DOWN. BECAUSE RIGHT AFTER HE WAS
FIRED, WE LEARNED MCCABE KEPT NOTES ABOUT CONVERSATIONS WITH
TRUMP AND GAVE THEM TO MUELLER. AND IF YOU THINK THE NOTES ARE
INCRIMINATING, WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THE DOODLES. ( LAUGHTER )
THE PRESIDENT HEARD ABOUT THESE NOTES, AND LAUNCHED A CUNNING
LEGAL ARGUMENT: "NUH-UH." ( LAUGHTER )
"SPENT VERY LITTLE TIME WITH ANDREW MCCABE, BUT HE NEVER TOOK
NOTES WHEN HE WAS WITH ME. I DON'T BELIEVE HE MADE MEMOS
EXCEPT TO HELP HIS OWN AGENDA, PROBABLY AT A LATER DATE. SAME WITH LYING JAMES COMEY. CAN WE CALL THEM FAKE MEMOS?"
( LAUGHTER ) YOU CAN CALL THEM WHATEVER YOU
WANT, BUT MUELLER'S GOING TO CALL THEM "EVIDENCE."
Around 2:27
Meh. I'm a fan of Colbert's, but that was worse than Kimmel's 'Paw Patrol' joke at the Oscars, and at least his was good lol. He tried.