Laws of Attraction | Doug Wilson

when two rams on the side of a mountain are in an epic head-butting battle what are they doing they are in a battle having to do with access to the female i speak in a parable but a quarterback and the linebacker are doing the same thing now some are offended by this kind of thinking but they should grow up and deal with it [Music] so let's get down to the business of serious analysis what are you looking for in a man because there is no man on the scene right now this question of serious analysis though you are thinking about the qualities of a man you would want is actually a question of serious self-analysis you can't analyze him because he's not here yet you can come up with a list of characteristics and qualities and you can write them down go ahead and do that if something comes to mind put it down make a stream of consciousness list just put it down you can edit later and you can prune things from the list later and you can change things on the list later this is a working draft you are not examining a man but rather examining yourself now suppose you made such a list and then a guy comes along who checks all the boxes suppose he takes you out a few times and you declined going out with him a third time why you just weren't feeling it this is certainly your prerogative and nobody's arguing that you should continue to go out with a guy just because he matches somebody else's list but if he checks all the boxes on your list and you still want to say no this is only because you didn't put enough boxes on your list put those boxes on there now if you said no because you wouldn't have checked those boxes had they been on your list then put them on your list now so that you can refuse to check them then he will not be one who quote unquote checked all the boxes but before you say no to too many guys it would perhaps be best if you analyzed your list is your list carnal i want a guy who is tall dark rich and reformed is your list realistic in other words do you not know what league you're in would a guy who fit the description on your list be interested in you the guy who matches your list is a guy who presumably has a list of his own are you on that list we've touched on this before you don't want an unrealistic list made up as a composite of the last 10 rom-coms you watched this next question needs a bit more unpacking is your list disingenuous what i mean by this is how brutally honest is your list did you put things on your list not because you find them attractive but because you've been taught that you're supposed to find them attractive let me give you a hypothetical example suppose there's a guy in your circle of friends who's sweet humble sacrificial gentle soft-spoken and there's a guy who will one day make the best deacon in the whole world you like him fine and don't object to his presence in the group but the thought of going out with him produces a meh reaction in you now imagine another guy in the group who's kind of brash talks too much in bible studies laughs a little too loudly always seems to be in the center of whatever the action is and the girls talk about him as kind of a pest but he's not really maladroit just too far out there for some people's taste they talk about him too and you agree with those comments and you shake your head at the same things your friends shake their heads at and yet in unguarded moments you find yourself thinking about how you could help fix him fix him is too strong help him tame him take the rough edges off him maybe a little sandpaper and deep red cherry stain what is going on here is that you find his masculinity attractive but are not in a position to admit to yourself that you actually do find it attractive you are not supposed to according to our current societal conventions and so you don't he's putting dents in various social norms and you feel like you have to tisk along with everybody else so you do in scripture men are told to love their wives and so the smart men are looking for someone they think they could love women are told to respect their husbands and so the smart women are looking for someone who speaks and acts with some kind of authority but we live in egalitarian times which is why the men are taught that to consider looks or to talk about it with others as if they are considering looks is the same thing as being a pig and the women are taught that to look for high status male who can lead others is to be a frothy little bit of nothing and yet the way of the world continues men start with how women look and women start with how men act acknowledging these realities has fallen into disfavor and so people avoid acknowledging them even to themselves but they continue to act on the basis of them now every sensible christian should know that the basics of attraction are merely what gets the second look what garners the thoughtful consideration and at this level men are attracted by looks hair figure face liveliness this is entry level for them and so a man who stays there is a fool charm is deceitful etc proverbs 31 30. but we are not talking about what attracts them the subject for another letter i'm talking about what attracts you there is a masculine counterpart to the charms deceitful principle machismo is deceitful also and so you should be cautious but you also need to not feel bad that you give a guy a second look because of it justice charm is not deceitful if a woman has a gentle and quiet spirit first peter 3 4 because the charm goes all the way down so also masculinity is not machismo provided it goes all the way down so then onto your list this is only a sample list as will become apparent parts of it need to be on your list while other parts of it are just placeholders according to your tastes the main thing is to note the structure of the list need to have good to have would like to have that kind of thing need to have he must be a god-fearing man attending worship faithfully a conscientious bible reader one who consistently walks with god you do not want to be married to anyone who does not honor god as god if he does not honor god then it is because he in some way wants to be his own god and you don't want to be married to anyone who wants to be a god he must be one who naturally and readily commands your respect one of the central things the new testament requires of wives is that they honor and respect their husbands you do not want this to be a steep uphill climb do you naturally look up to him and related to this see the point below about attraction he must be committed to christian education for any children you have one of the central things you will do together with your husband is the rearing of your children you do not want to be at cross purposes with your husband when it comes to how you are going to do this he must be attractive to you this one admits of misunderstanding but it is still important i touched on this above and will develop it some below i'm not talking about someone who causes school girl flutters but rather someone you look up to and respect this is because respect is an erotic necessity and for many women it is an unrecognized erotic necessity this aspect of the relations between men and women has been slandered horribly as though conservative christians are all about the domineering male but the fact remains c.s lewis points this out in that hideous strength quote i see to the director it is not your fault they never warned you no one has ever told you that obedience humility is an erotic necessity you are putting equality just where it ought not to be that hideous strength and in an essay entitled equality c.s lewis also says this quote it is the tragic comedy of the modern woman taught by freud to consider the act of love the most important thing in life and then inhibited by feminism from that internal surrender which alone can make it a complete emotional success merely for the sake of her own erotic pleasure to go no further some degree of obedience and humility seems to be normally necessary on the woman's part equality so he must be attractive to you but you must also have a good understanding of the laws of attraction if you are not attracted to a guy because he is a milk sop you shouldn't feel bad about that you are pleasing god through not being attracted you are doing your duty but if there's a guy you actually do respect but you're not crushing on them or your heart is not doing a gymnastic floor exercise and as a result you worry that you are not a quote unquote attracted this means that you are probably misinterpreting the laws of attraction at the deeper level you are not attracted to a guy you know you could lead around good for you but you might think you're not attracted to a guy because you are nervous about where he might lead you not so good good to have he must be a man who reads you grew up in a family of books this is the kind of thing i know you value and it would be a trial to your soul if married to a man uninterested in books you should be the kind of man who will probably wind up in church leadership someday this is under good to have instead of need to have because there are plenty of godly christian men who have no need to become elders or deacons he might be too busy feeding you and the ten kids but it's fine to put a pin in it and find to have on your list nice to have these are the sorts of things you should have on your list but be willing to adjust as the situation unfolds this is because you might think you would be blessed by something in parallel when you would actually be blessed by contrast so sit loose with this kind of thing you should be a man who likes living in the pacific northwest you would like to stay relatively close to your extended family he should be decent when it comes to playing lawn darts you would say my family always has lawn darts tournaments at our family reunions and you don't want to be embarrassed our respective family should be similar when it comes to cultural issues you don't want your kids suffering whiplash on alternative thanksgivings special category prayer request luck of the draw he should be aggressive enough and well endowed enough to satisfy you sexually because you and he are both christians this is not something you could ascertain directly you are not supposed to ascertain it directly the world thinks nothing of living together as sort of a test drive thinking this provides quote unquote beforehand knowledge but it actually doesn't couples who refrain from sex before marriage and who are faithful to one another in marriage are as a general rule far more satisfied sexually than those who fancy themselves quote unquote experienced experience in fornication is not experienced in marital happiness i use the phrase luck of the draw above but that is only a matter of appearances it is not really a matter of luck although you are not to come together sexually until the honeymoon this is still something you should think about and have some awareness of having said this you can draw reasonable inferences from certain proxy considerations when two rams on the side of a mountain are in an epic head-butting battle what are they doing they are in a battle having to do with access to the female i speak in a parable but a quarterback and the linebacker are doing the same thing now some are offended by this kind of thinking but they should grow up and deal with it one of the things we have done to muddle ourselves is to pretend that certain aspects of our lives are not sexual in nature when they are entirely sexual in nature but we have cordoned them off into a separate mental category and then are offended when someone recognizes the sexual connection anyhow or perhaps we sometimes recognize the sexual connection when whatever it is gets to extreme levels what is the point of high heels the point of high heels is to accentuate the buttocks and this is something we might admit if confronted with a trophy wife and ankle busters and a silver lemay dress and there are ways of putting on makeup that are supposed to signal a mock arousal but don't get me wrong there are modest ways of putting on makeup and there are modest heels out there but there are no asexual heals in a similar way there's no asexual football game a man's sexual interest and ability to pursue you is directly related to testosterone as a chaste christian woman you would have no direct knowledge of how that would translate into the bedroom but here's the good news testosterone does other stuff which means that you can have that knowledge indirectly but you can only have that knowledge if you are not kidding yourself about what is going on we are sexual beings we are created as sexual beings and we are supposed to take it into account but we are also rational beings which means that we should do so intelligently so here now i'm going to draw this to a close i see that your uncle is embarrassing you your uncle douglas thanks for watching if you'd like more of this kind of content be sure to check out canon plus that's where you can find all of my audiobooks and a huge collection of resources to help you engage with culture and live faithfully by subscribing to canon plus you're supporting the making of this show and more if you haven't joined up yet you can get your first month for just 99 cents by using the promo code doug 99.

Channel: Blog & Mablog

Views: 22,323

Keywords: doug wilson, douglas wilson, blog, blog and mablog, mablog, dougwils, canon press, canon, moscow, moscow idaho, attraction, dating, advice, dating advice, relationship advice, relationships, man, men, women, woman, Christian, date, attractive, dear darla, letters, pastor doug wilson, pastor

Id: Bgr0mWOzAmQ

Length: 12min 31sec (751 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 15 2022