KILL TONY #390 - JOSH POTTER

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] the world-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand-new episode of kill Tony geared up for Tony it's Glen [ __ ] yeah welcome you guys excited or what we are live here on a Monday Bryan red bands here cause you got to make a little more noise than that we're here everything's happening we are live from the world-famous Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip very fun stuff I had an amazing weekend in West Palm Beach so thank you to everybody at The Improv there in beautiful West Palm Beach I had no idea was my first time there one of the rare cities that I hadn't been to before I had an amazing weekend and hurricane Miss Florida all together almost yeah it's true a week ago I sat here saying stay tuned to my social media tomorrow to see if I'm even going and sure enough I went and had a blast that's how life works out but speaking of touring guess what everybody we have breaking news thank you our show in just two weeks in La Jolla at the Comedy Store the new la jolla kill Tony what's supposed to be quarterly has sold out and we have added a second show there's gonna be a Late Show on September 22nd in La Jolla so two shows there something interesting for you comedians that might be bored on that Sunday take a little nice two-hour drive straight down the coast if you want to have a chance of getting up at the beautiful La Jolla Comedy Store and then we move on to Dallas the week after that we're doing a kill Tony there and then for stand-up shows the 4th and 5th of October kill Tony Sacramento that's the road to kill Tony mania October 16th and 17th and Sacramento and that's it because it's kill Tony mania that entire weekend after that that's in San Francisco that is for massive shows I think like a seven or eight hundred people in the audience for shows all weekend special guests a special rotating panel for those shows that's kill Tony mania and then no rest for the wicked because we go straight to Australia the next week Brisbane Melbourne Sydney and then a week later were in DC doing a kill Tony with four stand-up shows after that and guess what through all of that we do never never do we miss a Monday here at the Comedy Store it's all scheduled for us to come back Australia Day we land and we have a few hours to rest up and also stay tuned for a New York City and Ohio announced moving in the next week's I'm not supposed to really week that information but for some reason I still do it look out for the announcement coming in a couple weeks a lot of traveling stuff gets crazy we get older and a lot of people start losing their hair right around at the age that we're at 66% of men start to lose their hair by age 35 and once you've noticed thinning hair it can be too late the solution is for hems calm a one-stop shop for hair loss skin care and sexual wellness for men there's a lot of like snake oil out there so why not just go to a real website with real doctors and you just answer a couple 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smart shopping assistant that saves you time and money when you're shopping online and with the money that you save and the time that you save why don't you treat yourself I'll tell you what I've been doing lately I've been a busy guy right I don't have time to cook and I'm gonna be honest with you I'm a little bit better than eating a normal sandwich nowadays I used to be able to settle for a ham and cheese I'm a little bit fancier now what do I love post mates post mates is your personal food delivery grocery delivery whatever kind of delivery service you need all year round and I use it on the tall the time on the road like if you're at a hotel at 12 o'clock at night why go down there and get some peanuts when you could order from a bunch of restaurants it's amazing and I probably order that maybe this is for real five times a week yeah I ordered it today there's a pizza place in Burbank that cost like $6 to delivery I just go and post mates and I get it for free so it's great yep sometimes I do it twice a day I feel great come in I was an extra swagger to me knowing that all these normal peasants ate normal food probably cooked it for themselves like they live in the 1800s not me not me download the app for iOS or Android for free browse local restaurants and businesses and track your delivery in real time and for a limited time post mates is giving our listeners $100 of free delivery credit for your first seven days to start your free deliveries download the app and use the code kill Tony that's the code kill Tony for $100 a free delivery credit for your first seven days when you download the post mates app anything you need anytime you need it postmates it download posts mates and save with the code kill Tony ladies and gentlemen thank you are you ready to start tonight's show or what we are alive and this is exciting we always have one of the funniest comedians in the world on this show this week is no different you know this guest this is his first time here so give them a hot kill Tony welcome you know them from your mom's house and so many other great things make some noise for the great Josh Potter everyone here is everybody yeah baby Josh Potter's first time on kill Tony what's up thanks so much for having me dude yeah welcome welcome I still do open mics without these people so I love it it's very exciting I am a avid fan of your mom's house it's one of the few podcasts that I listen to and laugh hysterically and you are something special on that show well thank you you know it's helped me broaden my career from not only comedian but now I I'm in a sex worker so yeah I heard about that you're a cameo guy huh I am I'm well cameos the vehicle I use for trafficking my sex work they reached out to me and you can pay $100 to get a glimpse of my feet or my shoulder here wow look at that yeah you can use the promo code kill Tony they say I'm excited to have you here we're gonna watch comedians together and I don't know if you know anything about this Josh we have a band on this show how many you were kill Tony fans out there huh then you know the band is one of my favorite things in all a comedy they are truly some of my funniest friends we travel all around with these guys we've had a lot of fun times we've seen a lot of different characters every week they perform and stay in a different character we never know what it's gonna be maybe it's a brand new character maybe it's the return of characters that we've seen before some of our favorites let's see what happens tonight ladies and gentlemen I present to you the one and only best damn band in the land it's the kill Tony ban Jeremiah Watkins Jill Berg Joel Jimenez and chroma Chris uh-oh this is interesting whoa what is this Wow Oh Mike Oh oh I am the feeling I know what this is it's a bachelor party it's I believe this is a a bridal shower of some kind this is very exciting Joel has a dick necklace on typical Joel that flat-ass Jeremiah has what appears to be dick pigtails of some kind and he's trying to untangle this sign that's gonna these minutes away from that happening we have what appears to be a [ __ ] khaleesi after slamming the craft services table for a few hours just hitting sweetheart welcome to the show we have chroma Chris down there okay no looking like a complete mess doubt hooker unbelievable alright still minutes it appears until Jeremiah unravels this the sign is that say getting married Brady V wait oh god what I'm the bride oh you are [ __ ] yeah and I'm the maid of honor so happy ha ha ha Wow maid of honor I'm gonna be honest with you like many maid of honors it almost feels like you're secretly not happy for no it's a happy man what about you are you are you hitching up anytime my name is Beck I'm a [ __ ] wait you're a [ __ ] I love this I'm excited who's this guy Wow are you hitting on Josh Potter oh the things I would do to is good I I think that she can make me [ __ ] that one yeah real candidate I think we might have a connection low glare glare yum-yum well who knows maybe by the end of the show she will make you [ __ ] yeah and then she can be a bride yeah oh yeah tonight's about you sweetheart and then clearly back here we have what appears to be one of the least healthy Mexican women I've ever seen in my life wait the of a spirit oh my god Wow don't look at my balls I mean [ __ ] gonna [ __ ] my name is Patricia and I like to get railed oh my god bunch of [ __ ] bridesmaids are you [ __ ] too you uh Kathy Griffin with AIDS [Music] name's Donna dick swallows Donna Donna are you are you are you a [ __ ] - yeah obviously okay very good so it appears as though we have a [ __ ] bridal shower here today this is a very exciting Jeremy bring them back from West Palm yeah basically this is this is what West Palm is but Jeremiah what are we doing with that sax there can we get a larger saxophone for you perhaps is this is this like a prank of some kind what the [ __ ] is that that's actually a four here's a size Queen normal saxophone no this is my sax when it gets excited oh my god that is it once leaving your saxophone is [ __ ] so we have the ban we have Josh we have the Brian and the sound board which brings us to this everybody the bucket of destiny it decides tonight's episode bunch of people signed up for tonight's show if I pull your name out of the bucket that means you get 60 seconds to do stand-up comedy or some form of it on this stage you know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten that means right up then are also gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear and then we interview you afterwards talk with you more about your life figure out more stuff about you that is interesting or compelling you guys ready to start this show or what all right good enough for me let's do it let's see what happens here and your first comedian going up tonight this is very interesting it's a one-word name it's a blue sharpie no Twitter make some noise for Shane everyone [Applause] [Music] here he comes everyone shame one more time for Shane everybody here we are goddamn Los Angeles Wow [ __ ] I mean this is the hit and run capital of the world I'm so proud of you guys that's amazing really you've earned that you've earned this great title I'm so proud of you I watch porn yeah there's this does this one website it's called I know that girl calm and I'm I'm really into the logo because the letters are all [ __ ] up and crooked so you know exactly how to say it just yeah I know that girl that's [ __ ] Ashley but yeah any one time I knew her and this is the craziest thing ever because I stopped I don't know if anyone has ever tried to stop masturbating like three-quarters of a way through but it is so hard and this thing just killed it I was done alright thank you heck yeah [Music] shame your first time on kill Tony correct did you just move that way no I just come up here every Monday every Monday for how long I started last summer go to school most of the year and then I'm here again for this summer okay two years two years to you've been coming to kill Tony have you been signing up every Monday for two years yep yes Wow and no barely clearly you waited for this to be your first time ever doing Santa yeah that's right really yeah is that true yeah well congratula congratulations Shane thank you what made you want to start on this show specifically just watching the show really I just felt like yeah just try it seems fun right I can [ __ ] with me always always the bridesmaid never the bride and what part of LA do you live in I mean clearly you look like you sleep on the beach I I do I live I live Newport Beach you really do I do yes [ __ ] yeah so how do you feel you just didn't stand up for the first time did it go how you thought it was going to go honestly I'm gonna have to watch it because I have no idea no I was just trying to spit the [ __ ] [ __ ] out of it did you have a joke for the hit and run subject you moved over really quickly you gave us all the information that we are the hit and run capital then you're straight and I watch actually the hit and run capital of the world is my [ __ ] Oh Wow our first Joel Berg minutes into the show look out skirting on his foot is behind his head ladies and gentlemen Wow it's a shame welcome welcome thank you how long you been growing that hair the whole year the whole year it only took a year to grow that hair you got like build Tim Riggins hair whoo Tim Riggins it's our fun fact that's the first ever Tim Riggins reference we've ever had on this show I'm just saying this guy [ __ ] yes of his hair for sure god I would own show business via that hair yeah he looks like his mama's cream pie in a Hollister ha ha ha damn what's your name again uh Becca you idiot whoa Jesus wow you're very mean no reason what's oh you're crying Becky oh don't cry oh my god what's wrong what happened [Applause] [Laughter] Wow so Shane what do you do for work oh I don't work you don't yeah no way internship I had an internship like a month ago and then that's done so I'm just on vacation what was the internship oh god some boring [ __ ] some like finance internship how did you work in finance what did you do exactly in finance I just waited till they had something to do and like there's what like watch the whoa watch the show what would they ask you to do with that job give us an example Jesus it was a job that you did [ __ ] sort different numbers it's so boring weird numbers see it took like fours and put them with sevens and stuff you don't want to hear the specifics it's so boring did you [ __ ] H our lady named Cathy is that so and where do you live if you just visit here I'm very confused this story is a crumb about my shadier than the beach that you sleep on Corona del Mar what Corona del Mar her own Delmar yes that's where I live damn that sounds like two cities mixed together is that an area you're so you're mixing those two right there yeah it's like a town everyone just drives through to get to those do you live in your car no I do not so how do you have money how do you how do you survive did you say but I just save up yeah Wow save up from what internship no I got a pit yeah yeah how do you sell they all that [ __ ] ballet now we're talking you that's what yes that's what you can park your car in my garage any day whoa geez whoa close those legs back here there's a lot of thigh hair going on oh yeah they call me the praying mantis whoa Jesus [Laughter] whoa Shane uh what is your what is your sex life like you do have this suave look look like a UPS driver that drives a convertible for some reason these son torched for those of you that are just listening to the pockets not really a sunburn it's very homeless see it is the type of Sun Tanning well people will not just walk up to you on the street and start a conversation with you and tell you what you look like so I look homeless hey you signed up for the show pal I don't know what you want me to say are you offended by that sometimes I think that do you have rich parents oh yeah yeah that's why that's why it's funny if it was anyone that's ever been poor they'd be like oh yeah man I should probably take better care of myself but I tell you you look homeless you're like haha it's rich parents [ __ ] what do your parents do mom works at a toy store yeah I'm talking about the money dad dad that's not about your dad physician's assistant why do you think he's an assistant not an actual physician I don't know come on don't think about it too much just put an answer you can climb the ladder okay forget it take it back Wow Shane what's something that we'd be shocked to know about you like what's something that makes you really stand out what's a fun fact about you have any special hobbies or sports that you're good at or anything like that you seem like the kind of that could throw a frisbee and run and catch it yourself before it lands yeah yeah I do play frisbee you do I skateboard yeah you ever skateboard with a frisbee no it's all I'm gonna say alright Shane will congratulations your first time ever on the show you got the party started there he goes Hey whoa Becky is shaking that ass up here oh my god that is the largest saxophone I've ever seen in my life I don't know what's going on here maybe it's just me you're getting smaller tone okay this looks like a fun day make some noise for your next comedian Destiny LaLanne Destiny LaLanne destiny to the front stage destiny here we go [Music] Hey [Music] yes she is one more time for destiny lo Lane hello everyone my name is destiny and I have to be honest growing up the best form of birth control was understanding that my first child would be referred to as Destiny's Child so no kids but I am dating and dating is a lot different now now that we're adults you know for starters everyone wants me to call them daddy but no one wants you to call them dad it's it's a little different my mom is asking me a lot of interesting questions lately she wants to know if the men that I date have a 401k she wants to know if they have property she's super curious if I'm listed as a beneficiary yet and you know it's weird because I had no idea my mom cared so much about money considering we definitely didn't grow up with any so weird what else is going on here so my mom's not good with money but she's actually a lot better at dating than I am so I'm trying to take her advice hello [ __ ] yeah destiny oh Elaine [Music] well yeah welcome destiny have you been on this show before uh yes a few months ago yes I remember that well welcome back congratulations how stand up and go on how long you've been doing it now on and off since 2015 on a knob since 2015 what was that was that you Becky yeah oh wow okay all right maybe drink some water or something Becky well hahaha okay so destiny welcome back is that true did you not have a dad growing up what's a dad oh my goodness was he ever in the picture did he leave at some point he eventually left but it's not that big of a deal because I definitely know how to parallel park so take that dad that's something parallel parking is something that people that don't have dads think that a dad would have taught them that's adorable my car doesn't wear things that people only people that don't have dads think that so your mom Jewish Jewish mom because she all right look like Dora the menorah that's why Jesus right beautiful what he's gagging on his drumstick Solberg is in full effect tonight oh my god ah part Grand Slam Dora the menorah now I don't even have to describe to the listeners what she looks like you could tell laughter my analogy was gonna be so much worse now yeah the old Tim Riggins over here I thought she looked like poison ivy before she went insane that's why I was gonna just not make fun of you because I didn't want to be the one to push you over the edge you know so welcome welcome destiny destiny LaLanne is that your real name I love that we're your richest okay all right okay okay all right all right Becky Becky you might need to drink you might need to drink actual water all right supporter Rican mom that's interesting do you know what your dad was yes also Puerto Rican and Cuban Wow see your regular old Puerto Rican so you're like in your like in disguise right now you're a crazy woman that is just you just play it down you dress up like a little like normal girl I didn't realize that my crazy was undercover so I'm flattered thank you yeah so is there a wild side to you am i close to right about this is there something that definitely not I'm kind of a grandma I go to bed at eight o'clock on the weekends really yes what's the last fun thing that you did I road trip down to San Diego to see a friend perform oh yeah comedy this [ __ ] needs a life why do you why it is there anything that you're interested in doing is there anything that you know anything in the nightlife that you're into do you drink do you smoke pot smoke a lot of pot do a lot of comedies kind of what what entertains do you read those romance novels good question definitely not why you read you seem like a heavy reader am i right about that you have a little bookshelf yeah I do in fact read it's just a lot of business books but I read Supermarket biologic recently business books Porto Rican that reads business books it seems like it's a lie yeah I don't know what's going on yeah well you've had bad relationships before right what happened in that day what did you do the poor guy I took his virginity and I ran you ran Wow you raped a guy all about the [ __ ] train and you have a pretty active sex life because you seem so sweet but know that you're Puerto Rican I travel too much to have a sex life right now what do you mean you travel - yeah the only thing you've done is take a road trip to San Diego what other traveling have you done um I just came back from Austin I was there for about a month oh wow you're so cultured what'd you do when you were in Austin would you do in Austin which go there for um some comedy and just visiting friends uh-huh like you're full of [ __ ] yeah what do you what do you do for work I'm a technical recruiter technical recruiter you say that's so fast what do you recruit for me all the time I recruit for startups I don't want a name you okay what's something that we would be surprised to know about you like the there must be something that people would be shocked yeah are you a sovereign citizen I think people would be shocked to find out I was a national champion race Walker race Walker is that true yeah are you serious athletic scholarship because you got to San Diego and Austin have you ever had a race walk of shame before my goodness you got a full scholarship because you could walk fast but not so fast that it was a jog correct correct there's rules so you have to maintain contact with the floor at all times and your knee has to be hyper extended is that true is that jiu-jitsu you give us can you I know it's not along I know it's not a long journey but can you maybe put the mic in the mic stand and just walk from there and then back sorta it's not a straight line but we would love it okay wait what the [ __ ] was that what I just didn't want to fall off stage oh my god Wow maybe you are Puerto Rican after all I don't see how you could have found a way to fall off this stage but all right well it's fun he went from you went from walking fast doing comedy and having people walk out of the room fast well she couldn't walk fast enough to catch her dad ah damn man a Puerto Rican girl must've stole your man at some point how wacky Kathy Griffin done is a [ __ ] alright destiny well that is so interesting speed walking and you graduated from college and you did it all for years oh you dropped down just gave up just like your father [Applause] do you know where your father is now have you tried to like locate them or talk to very funny all right that's good again really find this hilarious huh all right are you sad at all that you walked so much in college but not across the stage to get your diploma at the end after everything you say you're really ticklish aren't you okay and that's where it ends red band there she goes destiny LaLanne everybody oh my god all right you guys get the show you having fun out there huh anything can happen bucket of destiny decides next put your hands over your next comedian Danielle chaski Danielle one more time for Danielle chaski sake my name is Danielle chalky anyone love birth control make some noise for birth control dude Meredith decision my mom made including keeping me I love birth control I pop that [ __ ] out in the morning with pride and I look in the mirror and I my god damn you're so responsible right now and then I get a my STD results mailed to me I'm like all right back to the drawing board antibiotics for one please thank you have you guys seen those antibiotics they're [ __ ] huge dude I didn't write a suck a dick to cure chlamydia [ __ ] wild you feel me anyways I love birth control for the sole purpose you can have multiple suitors jizz inside of you no consequence dude none if I had a kid for every guy that is just inside of me not to brag might make like a pretty diverse classroom I'd say like a pre-k 2225 Wow Danielle chocky welcome welcome welcome this is your first time on Cal Tony yes it is welcome how long you been on the stand-up comedy 11 months 11 months all of it here in LA no Orange County mostly it's my first time in LA okay I feel at home I feel like every one of you has been me drunk I have that top you trying to fight me [ __ ] okay first I hated this [ __ ] now she's my best man that's how I get all my friends dude you said this is your first time visit your first time performing in LA yes it is very cool so this is your first time at the Comedy Store yes it is that is so awesome congratulations here you are look at that alright so let's get into it wow you're on birth control you know a jizz drips on your leg opinion time yes Jose dude I was just trying to buy a frozen meal and this chick came up to me after she's like mine was that Hobby Lobby it affects a lot of people and no one talks about it god that is yeah like do you ever go to like Costco and you've got like a droplet of come on your open foot I don't that's incredible by the way if it has the word frozen it's not a meal anyway okie dokie uh [ __ ] yes so that happened you had a Trader Joe's if [ __ ] was gonna drip out of a [ __ ] you think it would be Whole Foods what the freezer section two comes out of a hole I had figured every I could figure and everybody would get it an explainer or maybe the gap yeah hello [ __ ] yeah on your way over to Ralph I love it so Danielle that's all true you sleep with you sleep with a decent amount of men huh yeah I I do I do non-consensual II sometimes though you know but what do you mean who's raping Hill everyone's raping everybody dude Wow I lost my virginity and my aunt thought it was rape because I didn't ask for it I thought he was fisting me but it was a dick Wow you know it's always funny it's your real [ __ ] when you think you're being fisted and you're like oh my god you [ __ ] me I thought we were gonna take things slow we're gonna start with fisting yeah I'm pretty sure if you get fisted like your virginity goes with that you know and I mean like a fist is like you're no longer really I don't think Bergeon Mary was getting fisted you know and I mean I don't know but like I'm tight though because I've been masturbating since kindergarten god it's like science you know like sorry if it sounds pretentious guys can say they have big dicks I could say I'm tight whatever I'm still stuck on something how far did you carry the [ __ ] in your [ __ ] to get it to Trader Joe's sometimes it lasts overnight like I pee the next morning I think we just made just Potter come live here I'm Sam he just knocked over his boy oh boy I feel like a real quad and that's why one of the girls like this usually talked to me I just stare at my shoes I can't even see your eyes bruised so you carry the coming year and you for the car ride and like what's the mileage that you took it yeah as far as the Trader Joe's is that a car trapper San Diego or Arizona it was Tucson yeah I went to University of Arizona Oh [ __ ] yeah damn do you have any like permanent STDs no I don't thank god dude I only have chlamydia once and now it off [ __ ] me the camera HIV twice do they know your name at Planned Parenthood no dude when I saw this chick that went to my middle school as I applied for another STD test and that was kind of like life-altering did you get it did you apply did you get it no I didn't I didn't get it I didn't get it back have you ever stripped before no but I was thinking about everyone I went to cheetahs and that just lit that's the one of the best strip clubs in the world yeah actually Brian is a strip club connoisseur clearly of the food yeah great food there right there you have some interesting tattoos though like a lot of prison inmate tattoos dancing queen I know it doesn't mean I just like to dance oh [ __ ] wait oh you stopped it right away we finally get a real [ __ ] on stage and you only played music for one second [Music] Wow please stop shaking the comes falling out that comes falling out can we get a towel David eariy towel please there's [ __ ] all over the stage I will you [ __ ] [ __ ] I love this Danielle for 11 months in I mean it's quite incredible how you're able to roll it stay calm you're playing with everybody you had a good set this is very exciting stuff please come back and sign up is there is there anything else interesting that we should know about you on this your first appearance on kill Tony any fun facts about Danielle fun facts about me I didn't have a dad shocker no we knew that it's okay he didn't run away he's just disabled yeah yeah he can't run away what kind of disabled is he yes it's a locked-in syndrome ms-13 no he's like it's what syndrome and that's like your brain shuts down what a messes but you said a locked-in syndrome often syndrome locked in like the opposite of the [ __ ] and your [ __ ] at a trader does yeah but I love my dad being disabled because he can't look down on me you know wait I thought you said you didn't have a dad [ __ ] I do he's disabled yeah I wasn't around in my life yeah you too drunk that still counts as that oh [ __ ] there's about to be a catfight up here settle down everybody settle down settle down Danielle amazing first appearance on this show you're talking about some about stuff that is true to you and and you know it's like let's just put it to you this way I know a certain female comedian that got really famous talking about a lot of sex stuff and I think a lot of us know for a fact that on the contrary that comedian isn't even that sexually active and uses it sort of as a crutch and I think a lot more female comedians do that then then we know but you really are you know open what happened I went to college for it there you go Bruins been proved she got a yeah she got a full ride for walking with come dripping out of her [ __ ] alright well there she goes Danielle chalky everybody congratulations welcome Wow [Music] God just think about how far she must have carried [ __ ] in her mouth before you know yeah she left a trail back to her seat male track there you go what that [ __ ] all right well is this fun it's very rare that you get to see a real live honest lot every once in a while and all right put your hands going for your next comedian Jacob Lee everyone Jacob [Music] [Applause] here he comes Jacob and sweet one more time for Jacob everybody thank you so this happened to me today somebody left a note on my car and at first I thought it was a ticket until I opened it and it said hey I'm six months pregnant and it's yours I know I was like [ __ ] wish this was a ticket and I didn't know what to do either I just stood there looking at it like who is this and then I stuck it on my neighbor's car huh yeah that guy's a piece of [ __ ] I don't know I don't want you guys to take this the wrong way but I made a kid cry recently but in my defense he scared the hell out of me first I was walking through IKEA for three hours because I got lost and this little kid turns around and looks up at me he goes dad my heart stopped and then I thought just go with this so I picked him up I was like oh my god son he starts crying and then the mom turns around she looks at me he goes oh my god what are you doing to my kid is like I'm sorry I apologize he called me dad and you looked familiar that's it for me guys I'm Jacob Lee there you go Jacob Lee 58 seconds in [Music] Jakub welcome you've been on the show a few times I've never been on the show really yes that's true Wow it feels like it feels like I know you we met a couple times in Salt Lake oh you do a stand that you were you're from Salt Lake yeah I just moved here from Utah six months ago congratulations do you ever work with me at wise guy sir no I met you a wise you guys are never gonna show though okay that's a great comedy club there is that what use is that where you started yeah that's where I started and you just moved out like just moved to LA in April April Salt Lake is what the last comment calls her [ __ ] except except her pussy's deeper than Salt Lake so Jacob you just moved here in April what's your living situation I got a roommate we live in Glendon north Glendale Oh North Glendale yeah yeah anytime I say hey I'm from there like you have the least chest hair of everybody there yeah actually and I'm pretty [ __ ] hairy too is that true yeah your color what color is a car what color is my car white great is this your first time with dealing with Armenians did you know what they were before moving to no this is my first time did you know what they were before with moving no not really when I told everybody I was moving to Glendale they like hope you like Armenians I'm like I don't really know what that means have you figured out what they are by now no but they call me bro uh Becky yeah can I do it my yelp review of Armenians oh my god is this something that you pre-planned in case anybody brought up Armenians sure go ahead one word yeah oh wow bad yelp review how many stars on that okay so you're dealing with our meaning what do you do for work I deliver water you deliver water yeah geez not alkaline it's uh yeah it's like I don't know like those big 5-gallon jugs lame is that what you did in Salt Lake - yeah I got that job in Salt Lake's like a transfer here with work that's great now you're doing it yeah now I'm doing it [ __ ] do you have to like take them directly do you just leave them at doors and like outside of places or do you have to go in the houses yeah I just drop them at the door and trying to run away cuz I don't want to talk to anybody right for a guy that delivers water you're making me dry as [ __ ] Wow what do you like to do for fun Jacob I just do stand-up mostly since I moved to other than stand up yeah there must be something that you'd be pretty good at bowling oh really you go bowling often how many times have you gone bowling since I moved here maybe three times oh that's awesome who do you go with Wow bowling by yourself yeah I do a lot of stuff here about myself I don't have any friends like what what else do you do around town by yourself what else huh you just are there I just moved here I'm shy and I don't talk to people he draws faces on the pins like these are the only friends I need yeah I walk down to the end and grab a pin because you can do that Wow Jacob we take a knee what the [ __ ] did he just say she makes a good point Jacob is there any chance you know how to play the drums no good cuz I'll [ __ ] put my dick in your mouth I'm in my [ __ ] in your face I mean I could try no Jacob no you can't you idiot back to you Tony thank you what's your name again keep it together [ __ ] did you us forget your name for a second oh I like to party who cares Jacob ah you ever you ever drink or do drugs or anything like that I like to drink I've only smoked weed like five times why is that why do you all need cuz I've been a truck driver since I was like 21 so it's against the law how old are you now thirty-four Wow look at you you're like a real truck driver yeah I've done it since I was 20 is that a semi truck that you tried deliver no it's like a straight truck with a bunch of maize in it yeah how many glory holes how many glory holes did your truck have I have no idea good question ah serious question do you still wear your gauges or is it like something that you left behind I took him out I used to have a lot of piercings - I took him out when I started in standup okay give really a girls like finger and everything back you know but actually people do walk up to me and they'll just be like that's gross and then they just put their finger in my hair your ears are a glory hole okay but no dicks have been throw so it's really not a glory well you should listen a finger yeah yeah Becca Becca do you think do you think maybe we could fit one of those dick whistles in yo how many you want to see a dick whistle go into uh go into his ear yeah you think it'll fit I don't think it'll fit oh it won't it's just like the truckstop days all right spit on it first [Music] all right he's going for it all right it didn't go in huh stop going your ears are tight dog yeah they used to be a inch and a half I don't know if you ever thought about getting him fixed yeah I have actually I was gonna do it before I moved here I went they were an inch and a half did come ever jump out of him now they call those come ears now yeah I looked into it get him sewn up and I don't know it's it's dumb I'm kind of like I don't want to pay a guy to [ __ ] up my ears cuz like I did this to myself so I can live with it but I don't wanna have like some [ __ ] weird ear why even though like I don't give a [ __ ] about this like I did it I did it so I thought people think I was tough and would leave me alone uh so interesting that you're so shy and you do so many things by yourself have you have you been with a woman since moving to Los Angeles uh no no have you kissed a girl since moving to Los Angeles no really hmm not one yeah girls don't talk to me is there any girl here they'd be willing to give this guy his first Los Angeles kiss here tonight how many you would like to see that huh that [ __ ] about nobody literally nobody was very excited to be like really heavy too I lost like 60 pounds girls didn't talk to me then and then I lost way trying to get you kiss dude no one wants to know about your flabby Wow where's the last like [ __ ] girl I mean do you mind the taste of [ __ ] yeah I'm good all right well Jacob beggars can't be choosers all I'm saying and I'm not back in the hole I tried my best Jacob I push I asked if someone wants to kiss you and then you followed it up immediately like hey I used to be fat come on who wants to kiss me trying to sneak in another joke very good Jacob sorry all right congratulations on your first kill Tony fun times good said Jacob Lee everybody we're gonna keep it moving [Music] you know what let's take a moment to plug our favorites sponsor infinite CBD we've been using infinite CBD since our first time getting a chance to work with them and I use all the stuff that they sent me I reorder it I have so much so much at stake using infinite CBD regular they offer the cleanest healthiest and purest forms of CBD available it's grown organically in Colorado and pure CBD isolate tested at over 99% CBD yeah if you have insomnia it works for that which is great take a couple gummies right before you go to bed anxiety depression and with back-to-school season we wanted to make sure we had some recommendations to our listeners going back to school big big bang it's a CBD loop you know so when the kids are at school grab the CBD loop and go to town you know CBD Nano detox shots if you're new to partying the next day you do a CBD shot it's great it helps you with those hangovers as ginger beet root and stuff you might actually help you out I love the CBD a.m. pills at some point there's gonna be tests and things like that for you back to school people CBD am combines caffeine and CBD that will have you calm and focus so go to infinite CBD calm and if you use the promo code Tony 15 you get 15% off that's infinite CBD calm use the promo code Tony 15 for 15% off and we are back in the show you guys having fun out here tonight huh [Applause] all right back to the bucket we go all right put your hands go for your next comedian Theresa Lee everyone Theresa way yeah it's a good one so excited about this second show the second show added in La Jolla one more time for Teresa Lee hey I'll tell you guys a lot about me I have an identical twin my twin sister works out and I don't but we still look the same so I'm doing it right my join sister is a musician and I'm a comedian so my parents didn't pray hard enough no my parents love us they love us the way you love hot wings and burritos you know they're ashamed I had a pretty good childhood I shouldn't complain my dad has hit me once and only once in a Mayan life when he did it my mom came in the room caught him doing and got so mad she yells at him she was like that's my thing hi I'm bisexual I don't always tell people that cuz people ask me dumb questions like one time this guy was like yeah but if you really had to choose which one would you pick they don't have an answer I like men and women for different reasons you know I like men cuz it's nice have a big strong man make me feel safe and small I like women cuz I like to come okay thank you I have a wow look at that [Applause] again look at you very rare blond Asian the best natural so that's fun how long you been on stand-up Teresa for five years five years awesome we're at all over I just moved here to Hancock Park so I started coming to the store today so that's great lot of people getting lucky tonight you've been doing it five years we're at I'm mostly I mean I'm mostly in bars and you know alt scene but oh in LA yeah you're alright growth I thought you said you just moved out like no I just moved to this area I have been hanging out got Joey very much you were farther east before Yeah right and now what area do you are West Hollywood yeah sorry yes no I'm down in Hancock Park oh not in a mansion I'm in like the very one apartment building that exists there ah you have a new movie out right yes it's called hustlers please check it out I am cardi B okay thank you no I I will you and Christine I don't you have oh yes oh sorry I thought you were trying to make a Constance Wu joke and I'm so sorry I projected so much on you just now and I apologize for going on you guys do this after the [ __ ] show Brian a real movie with Christine was a good friend of mine yeah your sister's a DJ yes I have a movie out it's called I think she likes you no one cares he's he's doing he's getting weird cuz he has a thing for Asian people and he's so weird follows every Asian girl on Instagram yeah that's a lot a lot of that's a lot of Asian he's about to ask you to do the Icehouse are you free there you go from the rice house to the ice house I don't like guys with sword collections I'm sorry that's not mine that's Tony's with what collections what collection you know what I'm not gonna repeat it it's fine okey-dokey that's your good interview Wow so Theresa tell us more about you at all what do you do for work yeah right what are you write I write for YouTube show you write for a YouTube yeah that's a nice thing you make a living doing that you know I still have to walk dogs sometimes Oh walked off when you say Wow is that W okay put them in the walk that's a Joel Berg right there you might as well just start you repeat the words Joel Berg over and over again he was doing and you know so I apologized yes my dog is also Asian he is gender-fluid and oh [ __ ] it's not a bit I don't know what he is people assume you as a woman what do you do for fun when you're not doing comedy I like to go to karaoke oh that is completely not asian of you at all what's your uh what's your go-to karaoke song oh no it's the Asian woman from a few weeks ago like home you can't get mad at them for the Asian stereotypes to be like I like karaoke yeah it's actually I feel like it's mostly white bearded men that suggests karaoke is it it I I don't know is that not a thing what do you mean white beard I only shot it's like the white bearded men love to go karaoke sing John everybody loves karaoke but nobody loves karaoke more than Asian people we did invent it so what's your song yeah what's your go-to I like to sing a screamer version of from the bottom of my broken heart okay can you say it can you say that not in Japanese there are a screamo version bottom of my broken heart what is it's a deep cut of Britney oh it is huh man I don't even know that so could you sing part of it no I can't very good not even like a line okay Wow good lord no that's not that's not the same song Brooks and Dunn is not Britney Spears all right well I've been going well for me and I acknowledge that so no it's good I would have acknowledged it for you had you given me a chance is there anything else interesting about you that we'd be surprised to know what what what instrument does your sister play such as a musicians yeah she's a DJ she's much cooler than me oh you said she was a musician yeah she's a musician she's a singer-songwriter she plays guitar oh okay I would say singer guitar I would always say that before DJ if I were you if I loved my sister seemed like I'm one of you know I'm blending with the young'uns isn't that what you guys called doojoos our musicians nowadays Wow Theresa I should recommend infinite CBD to you you have a lot of extra xiety and energy just sort of just start talking before thinking loop it's great if you use the am pill it gets your day started just right yeah I don't I had to get her also I can't take that right now but heck yeah I would you like a sweat at the Ice House next Friday oh my god 8:30 show oh my god will you do it will you this spot at the Ice House all of you guys all come well then you're not all right cool there you go Theresa we'd catch her at the ice house she's on Twitter at Teresa we won our 1s she's actually really cool oh yeah you know the YouTube show she's on which I don't want to say is my favorite thing in the world really yeah while I'm talking about it earlier in the green room oh really yeah auu wow that's very interesting you're still a pig for saying it like that though hahaha right how about a hand for the band being original music every night partying it up the great jet ski Johnson always a fun addition so let's see what happens next make some noise for David Lucas everyone David [Applause] [Music] David Lucas Lucas good and loud for David Lucas everybody [Music] [ __ ] I'm tired I had to walk from the back I think women are crazy I don't understand why women like to be choked during sex but y'all don't like to be choked in public and let me get this right I can choke you when we [ __ ] but when you act a fool that pink berries on K put hands on I was with this work girl who liked to be choked during sex and I was [ __ ] and I choked her and the [ __ ] passed out and the [ __ ] like me watched Criminal Minds and CSI saw my damn hammer throw these [ __ ] off my case so I took her cell phone and I sent myself a text like where you at [Applause] then I reply back lady [ __ ] I told you I'd be there in two hours [Applause] boom that is exactly how it's done this is something that I always acknowledge is one of my favorite things on this shows when one of the people that have been doing it forever you know you've been coming to this show at least for what five six years off and on for years by eight nine months eight or nine months are you [ __ ] with me how long have you been doing roast battle I've been doing Rose battle for two years that's two years now we're getting we're getting closer you know I judged a lot of your roast battle it's only been two years two years but I had my first battle about twenty nine months ago I sound like a white one we're talking about herky oh [ __ ] but you've been on the show a few times once one other time okay any time I'm in town I try to cheat towards them a little bit I love your set very fun and do with the big bang my favorite part was right in the middle you can choke a [ __ ] in the bedroom but you can't choke her at a pink berries the plural that you put on pink berry is incredible there I could never pull that off if I said that during a set like you know this is pink berries I'd have ten white people come up to me afterwards you can go you know it's a pink berry right but not you I get away with a lot of [ __ ] being a big black man ya [ __ ] dare not question me absolutely not no when I grew up in an all-white school you know that's right that's right I will call the cops on your ass are you fighting [ __ ] that's right I'm probably why didn't you told I be probably uh you probably are not only are you running this room right now but a lot of people don't know you also like to run the jewels is that correct run the jewels what the [ __ ] that move you know keller Micah's who kill her Mike you're right I am blacker than you absolutely you just proved that I know who killed Mike in formal and a purple ribbon all-stars day I dream about all day I dream about you're wearing a Rakhi shirt is that because the road is your favorite type of ice cream Tony looking like a [ __ ] that Michael Jackson touch oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] here we go all right you son of a [ __ ] I know there's no [ __ ] is my time what you say this yo [ __ ] this kill Tony yeah but right now is David [ __ ] Lucas yeah all right absolutely absolutely I that's the David Lucas for me on Instagram all right what do you what do you think you're on to manage what you're wait yeah oh jesus here we go Tony probably ate his lunch in high school in the bathroom because they were gay yeah mi-jung I know your mama patio lunch in high school you probably got a note in everything David I got bad news free bro you ate my lunch when I was in high school there we go [ __ ] let's see he's doing the moonwalk can you do the moon wattle for us David's wearing sweat pants for those of you listening on the show or but really any pants David where's our sweat pants [Laughter] [Music] okay Tony Tony got on a jacket like he coach Little League t-ball get Oh get you son of a [ __ ] you got me there take it easy take it easy so thick David's gonna try to [ __ ] him from behind [Laughter] [Music] Tony one of my favorite [ __ ] even though he white thank you y'all got one of the [ __ ] from the corner here drawing us as we aware yes that's actually a police sketch rendering yeah now I'm good right this [ __ ] well David you're so much fun you're always killing it up actually if you could do the ice house next Friday I would love it oh look at that I like black guys huh Wow not only not only is the free next Friday that's also one of his favorite movies no no no I'm actually out of town yeah what I got to hit your Instagram this had a smaller they just follow up with them what's it what's a real [ __ ] he's on the hustle book my [ __ ] you come by like the 20th right xx xx yeah I'm out of this hole you're free on the 20th you know what it is black and yellow always fun you're always hilarious on roast battle here I love I love people like you that can dish out jokes but also take them and yeah and I just had a comedy special drop on revolt y'all I know y'all ain't got this [ __ ] these are white you got a special what kind of special lunch Wow 15 minutes people find that out they go P DD Network cities Network these [ __ ] middle Americans ain't got their [ __ ] goodness I don't think I don't know if P Diddy has a good record working with people as Big E as you are [Laughter] this [ __ ] is hitting me below the belt about to get out of his own which is really hard to find since your belly's hanging at the same position [Music] David Lucas everybody yeah man amazing David Lucas is on Twitter and all one word David Lucas funny David Lucas funny love it and since we have so much momentum in the show right now why don't we just do something special for this audience that came out on a normal average old [ __ ] Monday we have a we have a former regular here one of the legends of this show and it's history who's here to do a brand new minute for you ladies and gentlemen make some noise for the one the only the great and powerful Malcom hatchet everybody he's in the house here he is come on everybody it's Malcolm hatchet then they got to rake so something was punching him in his head I hate taking the uber I take uber now because I don't have my car no more and my bus wipes they don't go through when I go on the bus so I have to take uber and every time I take over like late at night it's always like a weird driver so they make me like chase the car yeah they like keep driving and uh just put it like this I ran to the Comedy Store today from the valley I guess the [ __ ] knew I was in shape I was in the uber and I passed the Hollywood Bowl and I saw a sign that said a show parking pass like you have to show the parking pass before you go to like a $500 concert that's silly like [ __ ] you get all excited for the concert but you got to show a parking pass and I feel like the parking passes are probably cooler than the rapper's because you got to show those before you can see the rapper so hey you see 21 Saturday night not but I saw that parking pass this [ __ ] was cool thinking [ __ ] yeah Malcolm hatchet absolutely welcome back legend here on this show running a brand-new minute for us how's life going Malcolm it's cool I was really enjoying in the bag I was really cool me and uh David yeah we gotta find one another yeah I already like you better you shook my hand you're not mean to me that got last guy yet I are just some high and I was staring at the life-size version of Rocky on his shirt and he yelled at me that's like that's like that's the rule did good right hahaha well who's that on your shirt Bowie oh wow you guys that's like the new cool thing is wearing a white people on your shirt huh not like the way they dress yeah yeah David Bowie was a [ __ ] real rock star oh hell yeah how about you Malcolm how's life going you have a you you're doing crazy gigs and work you're working with Justin Royal in on some cool I clean dishes at flappers comedy club you do a bit weight thanks man awesome thank you those are his dishes yeah so that's yeah that's the job that you took out of all these out of all these jobs that you could have and yeah well it just it's just the twins Oh Wes hey they really love you Tony Susan who a wesen David who are they the two twins who got up here a while ago the klitz brothers oh the kites brother yeah yeah yeah yeah they talked about you Leigh every day uh-huh but uh he just like he just like hired me into open mic oh he'll a merc here they work there at flappers yeah they like uh managers pretty much it Wow okay I have no idea I would never step foot in there in a million years I have no idea I'm one of the top young rising comedians in the world they got a lot of candy in it that's why I'm still there oh [ __ ] how long you been working there for one week yeah this is this is definitely a very temporary position do the clutch brothers know about your notorious work I'm sure the other people knew too because one day I needed to get off to do a gig and they said I could and I was gonna come back to return but one time to leave they said no you're not going nowhere so they definitely not equal in jobs oh yeah but they cool why it's out of respect that was a the old me this is a the old me but with new thoughts like that working at flappers how often you see the band well I said I'm on YouTube i when I'm up here so I know I'm talking about bachelorette parties but yeah there are a lot of bachelorette parties at flappers well I'd be doing the dishes so I don't see a lot of anything besides unfinished food and [ __ ] you know no I don't want Jenna how about how about other parts in life what's going on you are you in love with anyone oh yeah still got my girlfriend Jalen Eve's yeah we still go out very cool you still what's your living situation oh well I don't have a carnival oh I'm in the crib now yeah you have a you have a an apartment whoa I stay with my girl and her roommate so yeah I guess I can say it's mine because I pay some of the rent but what's her roommate like oh she cool I don't really talk to her because she got cats she got two oh she got two cats cats a nice but like I never my neighbors had cats growing up and when they do that that's just scary bro right yeah that's what nice though I just write only on it only on the internet yeah the girl the roommate ever flirt with you or anything like OHS I'd be meditating so I know how to brush this stuff off man I just walked right all right me out to the cats one minute up what's your you really meditate oh hell yeah every day every day I'll run a lot to start the day to start the day you wanna sleep in on the toilet I know how to meditate Wow yeah meditate while you're sleeping yeah how do you know it's working if you're sleeping because I wake up and I feel like an angel Malcolm that's fun you've been I do any fun gigs lately I've been doing a lot of oh yeah I've been performing at The Improv a lot lately yeah that's great yeah did the Tony Hinchcliffe an acquaintance yeah that was cool get to see Neil hamburger yeah yeah you hosted that show you did a great job hosting that night thank you it's fun to give a spot like that to a comedian that doesn't get a chance to host because then all of a sudden one day you might find yourself in that position I have a little more experience actually hosting a show cuz it's different than just doing regular stand-up and if you play your cards right they got this is there too [Laughter] no no no no the misconceived is there they won't let nobody else doing but then cuz they do it right my cousin but it from me do you have a favorite dish that you like to wash yeah I like that I like the UH the red plates at flappers cuz uh nine out of ten they probably hit peaceful and they got really good peace has there ever been a time when you got back some dishes and you're like you know there's two slices of pizza here before I nah but I would just go tell him to make me a fresh batch yeah hell no I don't know what these babies sneezing on oh [ __ ] that's right all right Malcolm well I love that I love that you still like to come back sometimes and they view a new minute here and work it out and I think that's a smart move I'd be doing that if I was in your position and thanks for coming on today former regular Malcom hatchet everybody a fun episode I'm having a blast and from a former regular why don't we go to our current regular everyone the very unorthodox stylings of one of my favorite comedians to watch I'm always interested to see what he's gonna do next make some noise for the great William Montgomery everybody there he is in the flesh William Montgomery so I started a website called date me before I die com it's for white guys with lupus and black guys with sickle-cell anemia not a lot of people know this about me but when I was a junior in high school I stole my grandmother B Vance's purple Ford Taurus I was going 80 miles an hour through a thoroughfare slammed into a guy killed him spent eight years out of a 20-year prison sentence got involved in the scared strip got involved in the scared straight program turned a lot of lives around two weeks later I was in the ladies Foot Locker in the mall getting busted by the police I was stealing ladies shoes I have lupus I also have something called sickle cell anemia well we'll never know how that one ended there William Montgomery came out guns a-blazing tonight how you feel William I have felt better I am really sluggish right now I had a long night last night yeah what happened last night I drank some seltzer water keep it going please I drank some Seltzer waters with alcohol x'mas I was drinking zimas all night I was taking advil all night I had a really bad headache word to the wise don't mix Zima in advil why what happened it makes your stomach bleed it makes it so when your roommate Angie Hernandez goes in the bathroom and sees blood everywhere and starts banging on your [ __ ] door and you have to explain on the other side of the door Angie Hernandez I'm sorry I was drinking these Seltzer waters without I was taking Advil my tummy hurts real bad I I'm bleeding in here I need another Ziploc baggie I filled up too with blood yuuji Hernandez bring me another [ __ ] Ziploc baggie I swear to god you've been a nice roommate but I'm getting tired of it wow you're getting tight it's just she brings you more ziplock bags she brings me towels towels oh you know what you laughed at that one afterwards was that a joke I just want to bring it up for Angie Hernandez's father in the audience what's up Oh Tony Hernandez how's your spleen Oh why what happened with this spleen he has something called sickle-cell anemia Wow I get the feeling someone just found out about sickle cell anemia this sweet huh hey Tony loved the watch so William what's going on what else is going on in tomorrow I'm going to Vegas for the first time really Wow what are your new Vegas for the first time what are your plans for Las Vegas I am going with my girlfriend I have a couple weeks ago we had to go to a CVS get the plan B you had to get a plan B from CBS yeah I pretty much hid in the bathroom my father was texting me William if you don't start writing more for the show they're gonna kick you off Tony's getting sick of your [ __ ] that's what did your dad really say that to you yeah exclamation more question mark exclamation I mean he makes wait wait a second he just made eye contact with Josh Potter for the first gosh how's it going you guys know each other go and go buddy yeah what two years ago we worked at that hotel you worked at a hotel together is that correct Josh right man well how fun was that the best I look forward to I don't know yeah I look forward to that as well it was a hell of a time tell us more about your times working with Josh Potter at a hotel it was actually at the La Quinta Inn Scottsdale we were selling Z&X bars out of them 217 Scott Potter had nice in Josh it's Josh Potter well you know that's what they called me look as I was a xanax dealer you know ya know his brother in Scottsdale yeah it was so weird okay Wow so William were you what are you gonna do with your girlfriend in Vegas this is crazy that you're going to Las Vegas it's crazy to me it's crazy to me that you were able to get time off from your job at a self-storage unit which I'll it was crazy I told them about the other night I was bleeding out of my platinum yeah all right we um my butt is bleep all right okay Wow I'm working on bits my apologies I have a big show in two weeks Showtime at the Apollo you're doing Showtime at the Apollo I am yeah they're giving me a two-hour deal It's Showtime at the Apollo they're doing that a lot lately the only sort of thing they said you have to rub the piece of wood the Goodluck piece of wood I said maybe I will maybe I won't all right Wow I have something called lupus I got it from all right there he goes William Montgomery everybody a new minute from William very fun lupus he has a new keep an eye out for him on Showtime at the Apollo that's gonna be a real interesting appear it's so weird I used to buy xanax from a LaQuinta in New Kensington Pennsylvania is that true yeah he's really kind of I thought he was like I really do remember you for a second how does an ex it was kind of freaking me out like for two seconds there and then I was like oh it's a bit thank God okay how does an ex make you feel fantastic where you hooked on it for a while or just like oh yeah I mean I just yeah I mean it's still not I mean you know whatever oh you're still okay very good I didn't realize I liked them I didn't realize I was hanging out with a soundcloud rapper I would Inez no I'm a sex worker yeah I love it okay I pulled it on their name out of the bucket make some noise for Chuck rokay rock' okay our o qu e back to the bucket we go to Chuck [Music] [Applause] [Music] around me one more time for Chuck everybody hey guys remember last year there was all that outrage over the baby it's cold outside song they thought it was kind of like rapey but meanwhile they were just totally overlooking hellogoodbye by the Beatles which the lyrics if you don't remember you say yes I say no you say stop but I say go go go oh no you say goodbye and I lock the door like I don't know which Beatle wrote that I just want them to show me on the doll where they touched you Ringo I mean fun fact they wrote the song help two years before that so uh I don't know I used to like the Beatles and now I don't like the Beatles as much I don't know that's it there you go that's a minute from Chuck Rock my sing that right Chuck Rock rokka rokka rokka good right unfortunately your set was less than R okay I have quite rocky and this is a bunch of different ways to say your last name that would describe that so welcome Chuck Roque how long you been doing stand-up about a year and a half a year and a half we're at OSI mostly oh the Oh st. Jeffrey did you see the young lady earlier initially that's had that's had come drop out we're posting on a Trader Joe's yeah yeah Jake funnier than me yeah yes she was yeah I think she needs to hang out with you more so it drives up that [ __ ] yeah you know I mean you guys could help each other out could make you funnier and you can solve her drippy [ __ ] problems so win-win drippy [ __ ] problems is also the name of the rap album that I'm releasing uh so welcome Chuck year-and-a-half two one stand up was that your best minute or is that a newer minute it's a newer minute yeah I used to do a bang joke but then bang supported Trump and I was like I got a not do you what's your bang joke well I used to work at a gym and I would say I got in trouble by my manager for selling too much product cuz he's you can't ask every member who comes in wanna bang and I'd say oh no it's top it's an energy drink that I am model for an Instagram is that that's an energy drink it is yeah and then yeah I'd say oh I didn't know that and you know but I'm selling a lot of product because if you can't be texting that to them at 2:00 a.m. oh like you know I don't know oh wow that's President Trump out of nowhere for some reason and I'm they supported Trump yeah bangs like every dollar we get it's gonna go to him and I'm not true yeah it's true so I was like I would hurt you more to tell a joke about that then sing that song yeah Wow so Chuck you've been doing a year and a half this your first time on this show yeah yeah what ethnicity are you Mexican all the way yeah my goodness you play any musical instruments or anything like that no not not since the recorder no not since the recorder uh-huh what do you do for hobbies I play Super Smash Brothers a lot I'm a big a yeah man you really had that answer loaded up you must play a lot yeah usually I'm sure go to character Yoshi Wow why Yoshi he's cute I don't know hmm he's cute and it's unassuming so when he lose to yoshi it's like I just got my ass kicked by a little dinosaur yeah I heard Yoshi supports Trump bro damn it how long you been playing Super Smash Brothers for like a year and a half no did a lot of what happened a year and a half that you started changing all these things you started stand-up started playing video games uh I don't I don't know dude I just all right dude I don't know I mean I got the switch for Christmas that that's what happened and then like I started comedy uh like there was like three really significant deaths in 2018 and that was like [ __ ] it dude I got to just go after what I want to do what do you mean who were the who were the significant deaths you mean comedians no do you like a Maya my neighbor was like killed by a white supremacist okay all right Yoshi Yoshi's not a control over your neighbor was killed by a white supremacist yes Junio see this isn't your neighbor was a Mexican was a gay Jewish man a gay Jewish the coins would have also been a program that is hilarious gay Jewish man that is so interesting Wow and were you close with him well yeah I lived with them for like 16 years exept width' not sorry not with them but like next-door neighbor's oh okay next-door neighbors did you ever hear him having a gay Jewish sex not enough you guys know how that I don't know I don't know if you guys know how gay Jewish sex starts but it starts with someone dropping coins on the ground and someone bending over to pick them up all right fine clearly a lot of Jews that are lucky enough to be able to be here on a Monday in the audience you would have laughed if he didn't get murdered by a white supremacist anyway how did he murder him so the dude is using Grindr and the white supremacist made a fake Grindr account oh yeah fake right yeah that is so crazy I know how those white supremacist role it's always so interesting to me that that they killed gay guys like it's literally so blatantly I think it's more that he goes like he was going there to suck his dick and then he goes wait you're Jewish spot-on what spot how did he die like hey how'd he kill him got stabbed in the neck with a ninja star of david' times 16 times Wow it was supposed to be 20 but he had a coupon so evil even I'm cringing at my own joke there Wow so what was that like when that happened did you see a like take his body out or anything like that couldn't find him for like a week and then a week later they found him I got up like elementary school we used to grow up at he was like in the bushes there and then like the next month my buddy who was in the Marines he shot himself ooh and after that you know bad things come in threes my older my friends older brother like did the carbon monoxide in the hose [ __ ] that's where I was like to get I got a like life shorte man I got I just do my thing you know things do come in threes and I'm just talking about the one girl from the OC that was on stage earlier wow that's crazy my goodness so that's good that you found a little outlet Super Smash Brothers yeah stand-up comedy too I guess I wish you would have found an outlet he could stick a fork into Jesus turning on your own kind back there can you get competitive with other Mexicans maybe whoa it's Russian or you can hate it maybe Patricia's on ketamine right now Wow all right well Chuck anything else crazy we should know about you Oh your Mexican parents do my dad doesn't work my mom is an insurance Nazi fool why does your dad not work uh he like he [ __ ] up his back like three years ago did your mom get him insurance like a lot of money that's why they're still together how did you how did he how did he hurt his back did it get too wet uh he's like Adam I have proof oh you're gonna all right let's end the [ __ ] show then you want to Oh we know it's not from working I tried to help you out by making it worse [Laughter] wow what a true friend yeah I love it well Chuck thanks for coming on the show fun for having me grats a year and a half in the game Chuck rokay [Music] you guys want to do one more quick one all right one more quick ones we'll get them up and out of here hell yeah it's for our look at our friends from Calgary over there that we hung out with last night guys which fun fact kill Tony's coming to Calgary for the very first time in January I don't think again I don't think I'm supposed to do it now it's that either but there's something to keep on the lookout for okay your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Travis Tate everyone here we go Travis Tate here is your final comedian of the night ladies and gentlemen all right I like to think that when gay guys talk trash to each other they probably say things like oh yeah well that's not what your dad said last night I know you're all probably wondering and yes I I do have big nipples I do they are like I can't even close the circle guys I'm not gonna lie about today they're a healthy portion all right I actually get excited when it's cold outside it's when it's cold they kind of shrink down and almost look normal but during the warm summer months they just spread out like a hot Toll House cookie yes I think that's all I'm gonna do I don't know if that was close to a minute but thank you there you go 45 seconds grab a tape still got 10 more seconds till that cat comes in Travis welcome to the show grab that microphone my friend this is your first time here right indeed it is look at you you big likable Charlie there you go all right so Travis tell us about you how long you been on comedy uh eight years eight years we're at Salt Lake City Salt Lake City sidious thank goodness and that's where you still live yes I still live ere I'm just here the for the week oh cool what are you doing here this week just hanging out trying to get some spots have some fun yeah there you go looks like you're doing a good job thank you so that happened what do you do for work I'm a mailman that's you're a mailman really yes I've never really seen a fat mailman before that's because I don't have a walking route I get to drive around for most the day so really yes you have one of those like things with the door that just slides yeah just slide it right open stick my arm out I've got a definition on my arm just not anywhere else yeah that arm is [ __ ] ripped Becky's was the mailman stripper you got me is that true have you ever been a I've never been a stripper before have you ever stripped for anyone Travis how nobody's ever requested it so I think I think the bride would love it how bride will love it Wow here we go what a way to end tonight's show doesn't get any better than this what is happening Wow look at this the bride oh my god Wow damn that is incredible I've never seen someone with the lap-band give a lap dance oh you do have big a sniff I do I do my goodness no let him out free the nips did I feel like I want to go when I was 19 years old I got involved with the Russian mafia oh wow yeah no I don't even think Bert's ever been that all right take the jeans off burden that's less impressive they're not as big no there's nothing big down there what's not it's big you know what oh I saw Travis on the mail route not a lot of walking huh no no no especially since Amazon's delivered a lot of their own stuff now okay in the truck moments yep those Amazon drivers with their small nipples Travis what's something we'd be surprised to know about you oh [ __ ] uh what's going on back there what are you laughing about this I'm actually skin I love it anything else crazy about you Travis oh this was pretty much my biggest secret right here I don't know how much more I could reveal it what do you say - what do you say - end this episode we can you put the mic back in the mic stand and to end this episode in your appearance how about you do five jumping jacks for us huh how many you want to see that and then we all go home here we go Wow three four five Pacquiao a groundbreaking performance by Travis tape he's on Twitter at Travis Tate funny how about a hand for your guest tonight Josh Potter everybody he's on twitter @jrfromptc Ryan J walking around after the show ask him to show you the print he just made that while we all sat up here at goofing around Josh Potter check them out on your mom's house podcast he's gonna be at flappers this Thursday dirtying dishes that Malcolm's gonna have to wash and this Friday and Saturday is gonna be at the Irvine improv with the great mark Normand who's gonna be joining us for the first time in LA in two weeks next week it will be Doug Benson and another special guest joining him and yeah Josh anything else I appreciate you can't you having me I'm sorry I spilled two beers but I have no depth perception so that's great Josh we had fun with you and we'll get you we'll get you back on real soon how about a hand for the great Becca everybody I'm gonna let you in on a little secret that's actually Jeremiah Watkins everyone the new kill Tony calendar is out now it's available at jeremiah watkins dot-com he's jeremiah stand up Jeremiah walkins on YouTube what else Jeremiah yeah check out the the calendar and there's new shirts there's bison shirts this jeremiah undershirt jeremiah watkins comment give it up for this [ __ ] that came tonight jet ski johnson yeah the great Jesse Johnson another amazing performance I absolutely love it when you're on this show you're incredible you give balance to the forest she's on social media at jetski Johnson all one word anything else Jesse I love being here thanks for having hell yeah chromic rinse silent but deadly little extra quiet tonight what do you think about tonight's episode sunny it was definitely a keeper tonight at Tony I would just like to give a shout out to Ernie ball Thank You Ernie ball [ __ ] yeah I love it Jeremiah uh-oh and if anybody wants physical copies of the calendar the Eric Standiford our buddy shot I have them here tonight if you want to get them here tonight without having to go online and get them so there Eric Stanford is a great photographer the calendar is amazing I got my copy for the first time today follow Eric at ESP Eric on social media all one word and about one more time for the great Joel Burke Joel Jimenez huh Joel's on social media mostly sorry he's gonna be taking his first trip to Australia with us this October anything else Joel shout-out to Ludwig drums I love you guys peace thanks for coming big announcements coming for Ohio in New York City very very soon the new Ryan J Eve out there is a brand new kill Tony the book and when I say it is a must-have for every kill Tony fan I really mean it it is absolutely incredible it has every single drawing that's ever happened of every kill Tony episode ever including the road posters including some special one-off things that he did on maybe a rare he couldn't make it to an episode or things like that very fun things that's gonna be available Ryan je belt comm starting this Wednesday this Wednesday so there you go if you're a die-hard kill Tony fan make sure you get the second version of the book and if you guys don't know we we broadcast this on our YouTube page please subscribe to it let us know how you think yeah all the things that all the things that you do for all those other podcasts that ask you to do things we don't ever ask for anything but sure go do that for us to the ratings that tell your friends yeah watch it live have you a lot of people have viewing parties I think they say smash that like button is that how they the kids yeah mash it and we'll see you soon in Brisbane Melbourne Sydney DC Dallas Sacramento San Francisco and the second show added to La Jolla and only two weeks so here in the San Diego area get there and if you're coming to the first show why not stay for this second the audience that came tonight you guys were awesome we love you so much we'll see you again next time good night everybody love you [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Kill Tony

Views: 107,824

Keywords: Kill, Tony, podcast, Comedy, Store, Belly, Room, Hollywood, stand, up, comedian, comedy, jokes, panel, one, minute, cat, angry, west, bear, Hinchcliffe, Brian, Redban

Id: lIASqDNhq8w

Length: 103min 57sec (6237 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 19 2019