I want to talk to you about the
importance of your "no" in relationships. You probably have watched the movie,
"Beauty and the Beast." And one of the things that struck me really strongly was when the Beast was wanting Belle to love him because that's the only way he
was gonna move out of being a beast but he really wanted her to love him and she was kind to him but she said something very profound. Remember she said, "I can't love you as long as I'm your prisoner." You see, love requires the freedom to be
able to say no. If you don't have that freedom in a relationship then you don't
have a healthy relationship You feel more like a servant or a slave or a child. You know, even God doesn't ask us to have a relationship with him without our freedom to say no. Part of the healthy ingredients for relationships are mutuality, reciprocity, and freedom. And we're talking about all
relationships, not just marriage. If you ask your friend for something or you...your friend asks you for something and you are afraid to say no, that indicates
a problem, either in one of two places. Or both. It indicates a problem with you and that you're a people pleaser and that you're afraid to say no. Or, the other
problem might be ... is that you're afraid because the relationship itself is not
healthy and you're afraid that if you say no, not only are you a people pleaser, but maybe you're not a people pleaser but you just know that this person will
take it hard and that will affect your relationship with that person and you
don't want that to happen. So you become sort of, not just a people pleaser, but you become a peace-keeper or a peace-faker. If you don't have the freedom and the ability to say no, you form relationships that are very lopsided. And so that's a red flag that says this relationship is out of balance. It's not healthy. And that's why your "no" is so important, because a "no" indicates, right off the bat, that you're either attracting a healthy person or an unhealthy person. If you don't say no sooner than later, you might get your
heart attached to someone who is a taker kind of person and you don't
really know that while you're being overly accommodating because you've
never given the other person the chance to hear your no and to see how they'll
respond, right? So what I always tell women who are forming new friendships
with other women or women who are forming new friendships with men who
they think might... they might like to date or even just friendships. Say "no" early in that relationship. One of the hallmarks of an unhealthy attachment is a kind of a smothering possessiveness kind of thing. So it's really important for you to say, "No." "Hey I'm gonna go out with my girlfriends Friday night." "No, I
can't see you tonight. You know, I'm gonna go home and see my parents." Anything. "I'm gonna wash my hair." "I'm gonna study." Anything. That you would say no to. It's not a big deal thing but when you say no And the other person says, "Oh. Okay. No problem. I'll see you next week." Or, you know ,"We'll reschedule that." What does that tell you? It tells you that they can accept your "no." No big deal. It's okay. They might be a little disappointed but they'll get over it, right? But what happens if they say, "Oh. I thought... I thought our relationship was more important than
that." Or, "Oh you have to study tonight? Can't you, can't you study later? I really
need to talk to you now. And all of a sudden you're beginning to sense, "Hmm. Maybe this relationship isn't as mutual or reciprocal as I thought." But you won't know that. You'll never know that if you can't say, "NO." Because, if you explain... so we talk about, "no," without participating in Jade. J-A-D-E. "No." And you can... you do this with anybody that you need to say no to who's manipulating you, alright? No justifying my no. "Well, I can't because I have to get my hair done that day." Alright? If you start justifying your no they're going to give you a reason why you should cancel your hair appointment and do what they need you to do. So you...
it might be that you just want to stay home and read a book. That you're tired.
If you say that... if you justify your no they will try to tell you your reason isn't good enough, that theirs are much more important. Their reasons, their needs are much more important than yours. So you don't give them a reason. "No I can't. That's not gonna work for me right now." No justifying it. No arguing. "No "A." I'm not gonna argue with you about this. I told you my answer's 'no.'" You know how kids can get us to argue and argue and argue and argue and then what do you do? "All right go." Because they wear you down. So part of taking responsibility for yourself is to recognize the pattern, the dance and don't dance it. "I'm not gonna justify my no. I'm not gonna argue about ...with this. This isn't open for argument." Alright? "I've made my decision. No." "I'm not gonna defend myself." So if you start saying, "You're selfish. You're ungodly." "No I'm not! What makes you think..."
I'm not going there. Right? So if you could stay out of that JADE dance and, "I'm not gonna explain." "Don't you understand? I just need some time to myself, too. Don't you understand?" They don't! And they won't! So don't explain. Don't justify. Don't argue.
Don't defend. Don't explain. Because often times the consequences come as you try to do that. Then they shame, attack, accuse and then you start to feel all those feelings. You know I'm all about enriching the relationships that matter most and it's not just your marriage that matters. It's your personal friendships. You see when you say no to a taker they either manipulate you to say yes, they guilt trip you, they make you afraid of their disapproval or their anger or, if you say no a couple times, they'll
just move on. 'Cause they're not really your friend.
