[YMS] So I just saw "Jupiter Ascending,"
and wow, what a surprise, it was an incomprehensible piece of shit. [Sarcastically] Who could have seen this coming? So to describe exactly what this movie did wrong,
I am forced to describe this whole movie. So before I do that, here's my
quick, spoiler-free review. Get really fuckin' baked! I mean, I wasn't. Because I'm trying to do
this somewhat professionally? But all throughout the film, I kept thinking that
this would be the perfect movie to do exactly that. This is so far, the best comedy of 2015. Alright, I'm just gonna start describing the whole plot now. From the beginning of the film, they're trying to paint
Mila Kunis as some relatable, everyday working girl. She wakes up out of bed and says "I hate my life!",
and then we see her cleaning toilets all day. But she looks too goddamn pretty! You know, if you gonna write your character that way,
then you might not wanna make it look as though they've gone through
three hours of makeup? Like what, does she do that in her sleep? Maybe she only wakes up at 4:45 in the morning so she has enough
time to doll herself up and look pretty for the toilets. So then Mila Kunis is with her friend, who's changing clothes. So then Mila Kunis goes off to the side for a little, while
aliens break in, and do something with her friends' body? Like, they're lifting it up and inspecting it, or something? So Mila Kunis' first reaction is to take a picture with her phone. But then her phone starts ringing, and the aliens see that she's there. So the aliens run to her, and immediately use a ripoff of the
Neuralizer from "Men In Black". So the two girls' memories get erased, and they wake up in the
exact same position they were in before the aliens showed up. So did the aliens pick her friend up off of the floor,
and perfectly prop her back up to be sitting again? Later in the movie, they explain that, in fact, they erase memories. It's not like they're going back in time, or something. So all of a sudden, she really wants to buy a
$4,000 telescope on eBay. So she gets convinced into having a medical procedure to sell her eggs? And then it turns out that they were aliens, and not doctors. So Channing Tatum bursts in, and saves the day, just in time. Alright, so the aliens in this scene looked exactly the same as
the aliens that erased her memory earlier. So why didn't they just fuckin' kill her then? I vaguely remember hearing a knock on the door during that scene. So maybe it was implied they just had to run away
really fast, and not kill her? But apparently they had enough time to rearrange her, and her friend,
back into the same positions they were in before they showed up? Anyway, she wakes up in some random building, and there's a
gun next to her, so she points it at Channing Tatum. He's like, "I figured you would be more comfortable if you
woke up with a gun next to you." I dunno, if I were him, I would probably not wanna risk
her getting scared, and shooting me. So at some point, we cut to somewhere in space, and we're watching the main
villain dude have a conversation with the lizard man. And holy shit, is the main villain ever fucking hilarious. The way he speaks is so incredibly ridiculous,
that every time he opened his mouth, I couldn't help but think of the Tim and Eric skit "Angel Boy." [Balem] I will harvest that planet tomorrow,
before I let her take it from me. Some lives will always matter more than others. [Scotty] Thank you. I hope you enjoy my singing voice. [Tim] Thanks, Scotty. [YMS] I kinda wish they showed this character more in the
trailers and webclips, because honestly, you'll kinda have to see the movie just to see how hilarious it gets. He is one of the main driving forces of hilarity in this film,
and he gets more screen time as the film goes on. I was having a fucking blast laughing at this horrible line delivery. And holy shit, this guy is nominated for an Oscar right now. I should also mention that the sound design on
the lizard dude sounds incredibly artificial. [Lizard Dude] ...Still alive... [YMS] Anyway, they end this scene in a pretty hilarious way. [Balem] I want her found, and I want her dead. [Screams] [YMS] I shit you not, he just screams, and it cuts to the next scene.
It was GREAT. They start going up the gravity lift, and at this point I'm thinking,
"Holy shit, what a missed opportunity." You know, you could've had a well-delivered perspective
shot looking down from her position or something, like you have every opportunity right now
to be making the audience feel vertigo? But during the close shots, they never feel as though they're
a part of the same universe as the background. And in the wide shots, everything's so artificial, that I just
wind up feeling disconnected from everything going on. So the spaceship above them gets attacked and blows up.
They start falling. For a long time. And at this point, I realize that Mila Kunis is not a good screamer. [Stinger] Jupiter! [Jupiter] [Screaming] [YMS] [Mockingly] Waaaaah! So they get chased around for a while, and Channing
Tatum's riding along on his fucking moon boots. And then they somehow manage to commandeer
one of the many ships chasing them? And during this entire long, drawn out, and artificial scene,
it's like the movie forgot that we had a main character. Like, we only ever saw shots of the ships' exterior, or Channing Tatum. Occasionally, you would kind of see her behind his shoulder. There were many moments in this scene where I thought,
"I wonder how the main character is reacting to this." Kinda felt like maybe we should've been experiencing
all of this with the main character. Isn't that the whole point of the story starting out
in Chicago, and not just already in space? [Tatum] What's unique about this sci-fi film is it
starts off in a very real, very well-known city. [Jupiter] Where am I? [Caine] You're still in Chicago. [Tatum] But, it's different. It's not in the bowels of just, Earth. [YMS] Apparently, whatever the main character is experiencing
at this point is not relevant to the story. And then as soon as the chase sequence ends, and they land,
Mila Kunis does not really look all that out of breath. I dunno, if you're going to imply that what we just saw
was supposed to be a heart-racing thrill ride, then you might wanna have that reflected in the main character. Why would you even try to establish her as relatable if she's
not going to react normally to fucking anything going on? So Channing Tatum brings Mila Kunis to a farm, where
there's lots of bees, everywhere. And then Channing Tatum and Sean Bean
have a fight scene, for no reason. They then get distracted, because Mila Kunis
now has wings made of bees. They go inside, and Sean Bean explains what's going on. He says, bees are genetically designed to sense royalty. And at that moment, the entire audience in the
theater simultaneously farted. Like, from several directions, it seemed as though people had their
hands over their mouths to try and hold back their reactions. Literally, the line happened, and then all I could hear was, [Farting noise] So Sean Bean drones on forever and explains more and more exposition. And then the aliens show up again. And then there's a dude with a giant gun,
but it apparently only shoots Arid people. So Mila Kunis gets knocked out, and the alien's about to kill her, but then these two show up, and then kill
the aliens and the dude with the air gun. And they kidnap her instead. So they get her into the ship, and Channing Tatum
runs super fast from the farm, and then manages to grab on to the outside of the ship as it's flying away. And he fuckin' hangs on shirtless, with no fuckin' spacesuit,
while it flies to another fuckin' galaxy! Do you not need to breathe? Aren't you gonna get a little cold?! So as the ship's close to landing, he uses
his moon boots to jump off of it. And now Mila Kunis is introduced to some lady
who throws more exposition at her. Like now this is all just about explaining how you can go into a hot tub,
and come back out with a different skin. This is like an hour through the movie, and they're still
trying to introduce new shit to explain to us. And best of all, it never fucking pays off! EVER! Were you planning on doing anything with that character or concept? Seems like half of the movie, they're just introducing ideas
that don't really go anywhere. And during all the time it takes for them to explain each of
these ideas, there's so much implied significance. But then it just never fuckin' shows up again in the whole movie! Like, what was up with the characters that just kidnapped her? It seems like that was literally their only
purpose in the entire story. So Channing Tatum takes Mila Kunis away from the hot tub lady. And then he starts explaining why he's got those stupid fucking ears. So apparently, this guy's part wolf. But the only part about him that looks like a wolf
visually, is his stupid fucking ears. I feel like they kept his design as human as possible, just so mainstream
audience members can still get wet over Channing Tatum's face. Like, are the lizard dudes also hybrids of some sort?
Or, are they their own species? There's a dude with an owl face, there's a dude with an
elephant face, and there's some lady with mouse ears. I feel like this is all just one giant attempt to make the movie
look as science fiction-y as possible. But just nobody had the heart to tell the Wachowskis
that the design looked fucking stupid? [Kunis] The Wachowskis are the most detailed-oriented directors when
it comes to the sets and designs that I've ever worked with. It's so in their head, that even when they describe it, it never
quite makes sense until you actually see it. [YMS] Why is it only his ears?! So anyway, Mila Kunis starts coming onto him really hard. She's like, "I hate it when people call me 'Your Majesty', except
when you say it, it makes me really fuckin' wet." And we all know the line from the trailer, where he goes,
"I have more in common with a dog than you," and she goes: [Jupiter] I love dogs. I've always loved dogs. But what the trailer and webclip did not show is that
this scene continued a bit further. Channing Tater-Tot walks away and then
Mila Kunis says again, to herself: "I love dogs! Uuuhhhhh!" Like her eyes roll back into her skull, and she fuckin'
orgasmed right after she said it. What the fuck were they going for there? So then we get a montage of her running around
and doing all this governmental bullshit, so that she can technically own the earth? And the whole sequence only exists just to
set up a fuckin' DMV joke. "I'll never complain about the DMV again! Ha ha ha!" So then, one of the bad guys captures Channing Tatum, away from
Mila Kunis, so that Mila Kunis can get married, and the plan is to kill her? Like, the second after she gets married?
Because then they'll inherit the earth? That she owns? So they put Channing Tatum in a room where all they have to do is
press a button, and he gets thrust out into space with no spacesuit, but it's also the room where they keep all of these
tiny little collapsible spacesuits?! So literally, all he had to do is like, kick the wall, and
all of a sudden, he'd have this little pod that transforms into a spacesuit, and it just forms itself around him? You couldn't've removed those from that room
before thrusting him into space? Also, weren't you attached to the fucking side of a
spaceship with no spacesuit before? Why do you suddenly need oxygen to
survive now, and not back then? Well anyway, the spacesuit he's wearing has a
limited amount of oxygen, but Sean Bean drives his fuckin' spaceship in
and saves him, right as he's running out of oxygen. So all throughout this time, before Mila Kunis is
supposed to be getting married, she's having conversations with the dude
that she's supposed to marry, and the way she responds to everything is so fuckin' nonchalant.
Like wasn't she just a normal person in Chicago not too long ago? From this point on, she acts as though she's
lived in space, like her entire life. Nothing is new to her at this point, she's just like, "Whatever!" Then they explain that Earth is for harvesting humans, and that
100 people go into each of these vials. And then Mila Kunis accidentally drops
and smashes one of those vials. You just wasted 100 people. So then she's on this fuckin' flying thing about to get married, and
if I were shooting this, I'd have her, y'know, wobble a little, maybe? Who the fuck would be able to stand so perfectly still
on a moving platform, that high up off the ground? So Sean Bean and Channing Tater-Tots crash a ship into
the building, just in time, before she gets married. Like, it's not really clear exactly where the atmosphere is? There's something keeping the oxygen in, because apparently
it's not the walls, because they just fuckin' crash through them. So now the final act of this movie is something that I might have
to watch a second time to understand completely. The movie is just THAT smart! So Channing Tatum has a showdown with the lizard dude, and somehow, it winds up with the lizard dude getting stuck in the floor,
like a fuckin' video game glitch. Like his entire body goes underneath the floor,
except his head, and that's how he dies. Like there were so many points in the film where slow
motion was used unnecessarily? But in the one point in the film where it might've fuckin' helped, so
we could see exactly what the fuck happened? Nope, instead of using slow motion, we're just gonna cheat it as if
we're trying to fake a punch being thrown. I have no idea what happened, but whatever happened,
happened really fast. So Mila Kunis and the main villain are having this
dramatic conversation, for the climax of the film, Not really sure what they were talkin' about, I was too busy
laughing my ass off from this guy's voice. [Balem] Some lives, will always matter more than others. [YMS] So then everything starts blowing up for some reason,
the main villain falls to his death, and then Mila Kunis starts falling, but then
gets saved by Channing Tater-Tots. Who is not only wearing one of those collapsible spacesuits,
but has also brought one for her. It quickly forms around her body, and she takes a deep breath. I wasn't even aware there wasn't any oxygen where they were. They aren't very far away at all from where they did have oxygen.
Where's the fucking atmosphere? If you didn't bring those spacesuits, I would've had no fucking
idea that there was no oxygen there. But when the spacesuit forms around her, it treats it as though we
were somehow supposed to already know that. As if there was supposedly some consistent way of being able to tell where
there was oxygen, and where there wasn't? Like, oh, thank god, she can breathe now! Alright! So that's the end of the movie, the day is saved,
she's back with her fuckin' family, and she gets the fucking telescope she always wanted. Like, sweet, I technically own the Earth now, but it's not going
to affect my life in any way whatsoever from this point on. If I were her, I would start a career in a traveling circus, of bees. Also, Channing Tater-Tots has wings now. Does this mean you're gonna like, sell your
moon boots now, or what? Not sure if there's much of a point in having both of those. The end! So all in all, Jupiter Ascending was really shitty,
but it was also really funny. It failed at having a relatable main character,
it failed at having impressive special effects, it failed at showing any decent performances, it failed at creating
an interesting or even consistent universe, and it failed at making any goddamn sense whatsoever. It felt like they wanted to jam everything they possibly could into
this one movie, when they should've just stayed fucking focused. [Eddie Redmayne] It's just such an extraordinary combination in
this film of something completely contemporary and modern, and something science fiction, and original. [YMS] Half of the movie was them explaining shit that would
never fucking pay off anyway. And by the time everything was explained, the movie was just about over. Anyway, see it if this seems funny to you, and
don't see it if it seems painful to you. I'll likely be seeing it again, just for that horrible performance,
and I'm giving this one a 4 out of 10. Hey guys, guess what? I'm still trying to get a Twitch partnership. I've been gaining close to 1,000 followers every two weeks,
and yet they still have not approved my application. So what else can we do, but try and get even more? Invite your friends to the live chat, where no one is safe! Stare in awe and wonderment as I fail to complete
the most basic of video gaming tasks! Vent about your various life problems! Make new friends with coyote butt! I stream at least every Sunday! Skip church and see me instead! [YMS] If you look at the playlist for my YMS videos
versus the Quickies, it's like, Quickies take up five hours- total, every Quickie
I've ever made and- OH GOD! FUCK!
That Tim and Eric reference was well placed. Also, pls do a longer video on Birdman in the style of the Syendoche video!
Stephen Hawking really let himself go
I have been baking all afternoon, this movie is 10/10
a bit of critique. i love your editing but here at the point when you were tlaking about mila's friend http://youtu.be/H27BUwDc44I?t=56s you showed a shot of sean bean and i thought he was her friend, and later you referred to her friend as "her" so that was a bit confusing.
also, for twitch partnership. not only followers matter, you should have consistently at least 100 viewers every time you stream for them to approve it
In terms of Eddie Redmayne's shitty performance, I just read a NYT article a week or so ago where he was saying that it was really difficult for him to be at a good volume when filming (seeing as he mainly did theatre work beforehand and was forced to project loudly then).
Obviously shitty acting is still shitty though.
I saw this last night and really enjoyed it, but I looked forward to hearing Adam tear it apart nonetheless.
I'm the type of person that doesn't take anything from a movie like this but suffering
Watching the review I'm getting vibes of Birdy the Mighty.
It has the same idea of normal every day life + other planet sci fi stuff with dog and lizard people (and other stuff). Also Birdy's feet tend to glow/spark when she is running around. Also they have the arm energy shield things.
I know the Wachowski's watch anime but I feel like they should have taken more inspiration from Birdy given how crappy this one looks.