As you may know, in addition to my work as host of this show, I'm also a TV judge. I dispense justice and wisdom alongside my trusty bailiff, Guillermo. These are real cases - we swoop in and steal them from Small Claims Court - with real litigants who have inexplicably decided to let their disputes be settled by none other than Judge James. This is the plaintiff: Richard Townsend. He claims he hired the defendant, Shira Loa, to build him a meditation shrine. And when he made it known he wasn't happy with her work she refused to repair or reimburse. He's seeking enlightenment to the tune of $5,215 This is the defendant: Shira Loa. She maintains that the plaintiff approved the shrine every step of the way then claimed to be dissatisfied a month after delivery. It's the case of, "When Buddha Got Screwda". Raise your right hand. Rise for your Honor, James. I mean Judge James. That was some introduction. The litigants have been swear in, Your Honor.
What? The litigants have been swear in, Your Honor. What?
The litigants has been swear in, Your Honor. What? The litigants has been swear in, Your Honor. Go stand over there. Alright.
You may be seated. Except for the plaintiff and defendant. Oh that was my job, Your Honor.
Oh sorry, go ahead, say it. You can sit down now.
Yeah, okay there we go. We're really clicking already. Let's see here, Richard Townsend? You are suing Shira Loa for $5215 for the prepayment of a custom meditation shrine that you claim was not made satisfactorily, correct? Ms. Loa, you claim that Mr. Townsend says he prepaid is a lie, and you also claim that after you sent him photos of the shrine you completed, he texted back that you "nailed it." Yes.
Tell me about this meditation shrine. I can show you.
Yes, please show me. Thank you. Tell me, what is the purpose of this meditation shrine? What is the purpose of it?
Yeah. To meditate on.
You kneel on it? No, no you don't sit on it, you sit in front of it. What is it about the shrine that dissatisfied you? There were several things about the shrine that dissatisfied me. There was really a lack of attention to detail that went into this. And if you look at the right side of the piece of work, you can see: one corner it's riveted, on the other corner it's not riveted. And here's what it looks like when it's not riveted up close: You can see the corner peels up, and it's inconsistent. You're very picky for a guy who doesn't button his shirt, I'll tell you that. Okay let's get to the big point. So I told her - and we discussed this clearly that the fabric that was gonna be put on here was gonna need to be stretched for obvious reasons it's upholstery: we don't want to show wrinkles and we don't want to show, well exactly what shows in the picture. Look at the creases and the imperfections on that. It wasn't pulled tight. Did it look good when you received it? No this is how it looked from the moment I took it out of the box. Isn't it relatively simple to stretch the fabric? Do you want to talk about that? Because Matthew-- Who the hell is this? I did the fabric portions. We had talked about different solutions to making the fabric work. How much would it cost to fix the piece? To fix the panels? Yeah I wouldn't say any more than $1,000 for the panels sections. Your Honor, I can demonstrate how it should have been done. I mean, with respect to this gentleman, he's suffering from a lack of imagination. I brought a-- Wha? He's got the Devil on his arm - I think he's got some imagination. Yeah. As far as "you nailed it" goes... When did you get that email from Mr. Townsend? This is the text message string of photos that I finished the project and at the very end of those photos is his response. So those are photographs, Your Honor. So, Mr. Townsend, you saw the photographs, and based on the photographs it looked good to you. And then when you saw it in person, you were not happy with it. Correct. Exactly. What's your relationship like now? You were friends beforehand? We're still friends now. No. I, uh... yeah, no. When you're meditating do you think about this sometimes and get angry? I try not to. Isn't one of the tenets of Buddhism to reject material possessions? No, no it's not. It's not a tenet, no. Seems like it should be, right?
Yeah. Your Honor, on that iPad, in the same folder you were looking at are a bunch more pieces of previous and current work that I've been doing-- Are there any games on this iPad? Games? I don't know, probably. Are there any pictures of you in, say, a bikini or... Welding? Yes, actually there is. Well then I'll go through this. Alright, meditate. I'll be back with my ruling. Will Judge James rule in favor of Captain Cleavage? Or will he jump through hoop earrings to find in favor of the defendant? And will his bumbling bailiff be able to put together a coherent sentence? What? Judge James' verdict when we return. This bare-chested Buddhist says the piece of work he commissioned from the defendant is a piece of [BLEEP]. The defendant disagrees. Judge James is about to rule. Let's listen. You may be seated. So I've given this a lot of thought. And by the way, I thought you were kidding about the bikini shots. Your artwork is very good and I like the bikini shots as well. Did you open another button since I was gone? I don't think so. Alright, so bottom line is this: you made the shrine, it looked good in the photos that you sent him when he got the shrine, he was unhappy. We still don't know for sure how much it would cost to fix that fabric, but I called in an expert. Could we please send in our expert? He goes by the name Mr. Fabric. Mr. Fabric, Mr. Fabric in your expert opinion, how much would it cost to fix the imperfections in the shrine? I'll say like $2,600.42. $2,600.42? Alright, that is half the cost of the shrine. I award the plaintiff $2,600.42. Namaste. Alright, this case is finished, everybody gotta leave. Alright, Judge James has rendered his verdict, let's speak with the defendant first. How do you feel about the decision? I hope that his meditation practice improves with less wrinkles. You do? Yeah. Now he says you're still friends. Do you have plans this weekend with the plaintiff? Definitely not. No? No, no. Okay, go back and meditate, and Guillermo has some things for you to sign. And now, now the plaintiff - the big winner - you happy with the verdict? I'm very satisfied, yeah - I feel great. Well, either way, riveting testimony about rivets and why don't you go use a rivet to close up that shirt? Thank you. On the next Judge James: That's because I travel! Objection Your Honor! Objection. What are you objecting to? Well I object to none of that.
