Jo Gotta Be Kidding Me! | Best of Jo Brand on Would I Lie to You? | Would I Lie to You?

I have told my children that every time they lie a puppy dies somewhere use this line on the children has it actually stopped them for them he seems to have done yeah because they do care about puppies yes a relief actually that you're saying that didn't result in your children telling loads and loads of lies and getting excited by the prospect of puppy death happening on that level I don't have sadistic children but it's also bad advice because what if a dog goes to attack them and they tell a lie and the dog still gets them [Music] essentially tell the LIE dog death spreads out from you till it finds a dog the dog dies and then the wave of dog death stops can I just ask Joe Why are puppy and not a kitten she's not sick it's a difficult decision to make it was a toss-up between a kitten a puppy and their dad what is your verdict my team say true you saying true yeah okay so Joe is it true it's alive right once on Christmas day I was forced to hitchhike my way home and was picked up by four different drivers at least where are you going from and two I was going from London down to Hastings how old are you I was about 17 and a half and because nothing was running on Christmas day or you were skinned no what happened was I was meant to go home on Christmas Eve but I missed the last train so you started your journey in London I did and how long did it take to get picked up not long actually ten minutes ish and he said would would you like to come back and have Christmas lunch with me I'm very lonely seriously you said that yeah what sort of a man was he a man in his mid 70s how far did you go with him on your journey did you go he he I think he drove me about 10 miles right so that's the first person yeah and then do you remember the second one uh women yes who um picked me up round about the eltham area I think I'd like to use the visibility on in the show we've all been picked up at the elsewhere actually you're more accurate than you realize she uh she actually did make a part at me you this is two now well um she said where do you want to go so and I said down to the coast please oh my God did she go down to the coast well what she actually did was she put her arm around my neck and tried to kiss me she did what letter to believe that this was a possibility what happened the mistletoe and the wing mirror yeah she tried to kiss me I opened the door and got out of the car and ran away ah so that's that's explained the Second Story right now get to the third one but that the third guy um was deaf I'll tell you what if this turns out to be a liar you deserve a medal for the for making this as least plausible as possible on route to the story but okay so he's deaf yeah right and so I I had to write down where I wanted to go uh and you said Hastings on the card yeah what did he say he didn't say anything he just started driving isn't it scary and it was the fourth the the fourth was a farmer he said that he was fed up with his family so he took me all the way to Hastings he said that he told his wife he was going out for a paper Manning for a mince pie or something you know no he didn't even invite him in no do you think that's a bit weird right Dave I think he's the weirdest bit of the story he's giving you a little all the way to Hastings you know on Christmas day he's the only one who hasn't made a sexual party just give him a little bit of a mince Pine some Brandy butter so what do you think there's a lot of detail in there I think it's not true based on I think she just it's got too many characters like a Tarantino film but I'm doubting is that wouldn't you just write on a piece of paper Hastings I hope someone's going to Hastings rather than anyone going sort of that way and I'll just keep getting out and getting out have you ever hitched a hike do you sound really very idealistic about it all [Music] you just go a little bit and then maybe and that's part of the fun of of hitchhiking so you don't try and potentially you've ever hit track I know you're welcome getting in the back of a Mercedes once a week is not hitchhike I've seen it in films though so great things it's true it's going to be okay too wacky to be made up so you think the two whackets are made up you think they're too wacky to be true yeah I think she she enjoyed making them up so what's it going to be then Lee okay well we'll say uh be on your head right but we'll say it's the truth saying it's the truth okay Joe brand truth or lie it is true yeah it's true Joe did have to hitchhike home on Christmas Day and was picked up by four different drivers last year I made my husband a birthday meal using some mints I found in the street okay what why why I found to carry a bag on the pavement that amongst other things had mints in it I don't know whether someone had left left it there whether they dropped it it wasn't like being touched by like an old woman who was lying on the you're not being convenient with the truth there are you all right I slapped her out the way what else was in the bag uh well there was mince and it was wrapped up in in kind of a plastic like in one of those cardboard dishes plastic over it so it wasn't it wasn't loose oh yeah it sounds perfectly hygienic yeah well it was hygienic how'd you know like a dog hadn't weed on it and I was in the cellophane because I sniffed it did you not happen you can't buy class can you foreign bowl and macaroni cheese which one did you go for you for a while Joe can I just check is it your current husband or the first one who died of food poisoning uh my one and only husband okay oh it's Chesney Hall so what do you think Lee I don't know what do you think Ray is this bad enough let's say true true I think false you're saying true I'm gonna say lie you're saying lie yeah okay Joe truth or lie it is of course a lie [Applause] last year I ate my Christmas dinner in the bath David's team but white because we had quite a lot of family round and I just wanted to be on my own because I was in a really bad and was it on a plate I think that's a horrible image isn't it it was on the plate hold on so I'm just going to picture the scene right you've got your Christmas dinner on the plate and you just get up for the table and you say I'm just going off to the bath for a bit and I don't I don't think I announced it I was just so fed up with everyone I just got up took my dinner went upstairs and thought I'm gonna have a bath but didn't you find in the bath it my Chris was done in a fire where did you put the dinner when you were running the bath on the toilet on the toilet did you allow the bathroom I mean with a lid on and a nice little table that's a bit do you it's just it's the associations isn't it of the two ends in the process it's like saying to the food this is where you're gonna end up mate you're going on an incredible journey did you continue to eat your Christmas dinner while the bath was running or did you pause in that process to sort of save it until you were nice and comfy in the bath add a cup of sprouts David did you have like a tray that goes over the side of the bar you can put the dinner on or did you have to balance on your knees I had to balance it oh yeah it's not necessarily if you're balancing it on a part of you if they're not a risk that it will become submerged at some point which would ruin the dinner essentially you're turning your Christmas dinner into the Maldives in about 30 years time and you know the bath water of the world starts to wash the Sprouts towards the plug hole well I don't I don't I don't enough um water in the bath for that in fact you know I don't hardly need to put any water in the bath okay what do you think David what are your what do your team think I think maybe you had a bath but you didn't eat your Christmas dinner there yeah I can believe that Joe has had baths and has eaten and has eaten Christmas dinners I don't believe she's ever combined the two processes all right well I think I think she might have done oh you think she might oh yeah all right I thought we were heading towards consensus very Christmasy way we're very much at loggerhead the thing is I feel a little bit 50 50. yeah I know that doesn't help at all does it well no it does because if you're 100 it's true and you're only 50 it's who said I was 100 I remember 80. all right I'm gonna need a pen this is why I keep saying I need a spreadsheet okay we're gonna say true so they're saying true Joe eating your Christmas dinner in the bath truth or lie it's alive yes it's a lie Joe didn't eat your Christmas dinner in the bar I once got on the tube with a live pigeon in my pocket David's team why was the Pigeon in your pocket it injured oh so you were being a Good Samaritan to pigeons ish I was a bit peckish you hadn't yet decided what happened to it yeah went very nicely with some roast potatoes no I took it I took it to um actually to the local vets when I got home so where did you find it was lying on the pavement and what was the nature of the Garment in in the pocket of which you place the pigeon there's a clown's outfit and as your uncle for standing on it in the first place but did you think about just carrying it or did you think I'll put it in my pocket because if it's a pigeon that's struggling I think it's probably causing it was beyond struggling it was a dead pigeon it was It was kind of really knackered and can I ask were you going to somewhere when this happened or were you going back home I was going to somewhere so you went to a meeting possibly a high level TV meeting about there are other places available you gave it two options a meeting or a high level TV I'm trying to imagine I was going to local hospitals have a smear [Laughter] while it was in your pocket did it start flapping no so it was just completely quiet but not dead in your pocket did you have some seed in your pocket oh she did we all carry emergency Trill what are you thinking uh Kimberly does it does it have the ring of Truth for you I think it's a lie I've I've saved a pigeon before and it was quite badly hurts I'm leaving it would sit in the pocket what were the circumstances for you Kimberly I was at my flat every my husband now husband was gone and I I'm sorry to hear that very brave of you to talk about it on the show there was a lot of commotion outside so I went to look and there was a pigeon struggling and I was worried to touch it because I thought of diseases and things so I left it no way and think what to do so what did you do I tweeted about it did he treat back well somebody did and they sent a cab to get the pigeon to take it to the Wildlife Foundation to save it I really don't believe this so what are you thinking David well Kimberly what do you think I think it's a lie you think it's a lie I think it's a lie lie I think I think we think it's alive okay you're saying like Joe truth or lie it is a lie [Music] at school I once rubbed stinging nettles all over my face and told my teacher I was Ill so I could go and meet a boy in a graveyard David's Tea I mean true [Laughter] um so this was a date in the graveyard it was the boy living he was just before we met yeah Joe you say these are your school days so we're talking about the 1990s now what was the yeah it's my way of being flattering and chivalrous chivalrous when was this job the 1890s that would have been the late 60s actually 60s yeah gosh okay so when you walked into the graveyard like this he must have been shocked to see you Rob he was pleased to see me he knew what he was going to get [Applause] um whoa whoa whoa what is he gonna get I bought him a cake so freshly nettled you go off you go and find your teacher what happens then well I say to the teacher I'm really not feeling well I don't know whether I ate something for lunch that's given me a some sort of allergic reaction can I go home I mean I don't know I've never run a school are you allowed if a child says they're ill you're allowed to just say yeah off you go to her that my mum was at home and I lived within walking distance of the school it was the late 60s early 70s very different time children hadn't long stopped going up chimneys so what do you think it's so unfusable it's probably true to me well that's the wrong way to reason it should be unfeasible things are less likely to be true yeah but although the true things are deliberately picked to be unlikely exactly I traveled here by car for example never come up that would be easy sorry can I just check something here why do you get a car yeah it's a class thing you know they still shouldn't make me drive your car right Joe in the graveyard with what do you think man because it sounds so unlikely yeah I still think it's flawed reasoning but I'll go true you're saying that it's true right Joe truth or lie it is a lie yes it's alive Joe didn't rub stinging Knuckles over her face to get out of school um I was once favorite to win an Athletics event after an incident in a toilet cubicle uh David's team well right okay what was well what was the Athletics event it was a javelin the javelin and when were you entered into a javelin competition uh when I was at school how old were you uh I was about 16. and you were the favorite I was why how far how far off it probably oh God so make it less than 110 meters which is the world record 111 meat say about 20 or 30 meters we also good at running fast [Music] I think that was a genuine question I did actually for a short time hold the 100 meter record for our school that was because I was having a behind the bike sheds and I heard the dinner bell what was the internet in the toilet that had the Capital Performance I Was preparing for sports day the afternoon so I went in the toilet to have a and I had a box of matches and I struck one to like my bag with didn't blow it out properly put it back in the box and the Box exploded in my Javelin throwing hand oh so this is a story about a serious burn throw the javelin at sports day with my left hand well Johnny what do you think how does this strike you I think it could be true and you think it's true okay true you were saying it is true uh Joe Truth or life it is true I once ignored a fireman's order to evacuate a building because I assumed he was just a bloke in fancy dress beastie okay when was this uh when I was at University in 1841 are you the only person who didn't leave uh no I don't think so it was like it was a student party it was sort of fancy dress oh you were always oh okay okay yeah what do you gone as um I think I took a pretty easy option and I went uh as a Roman well what were you wearing yeah at a sheet it's not a room Soldier just someone who's around in the Roman era a senator not a centurion a Roman or a ghost so who first of all where was the fire and it was in your room well it actually it was it was a fire alarm I wasn't in the proper party but I was in my room in uh with the door shut so how did the firefighter get in touch with you if you were locked away in your own room well he banged on the door and went fire service with all due respect to your sheet you must have been quite impressed with his costume he was how did the conversation go right I was in my room with someone else we were busy [Applause] is this how the fire started Joe you like to set fire to them [Music] we were revising oh what was egress does you were a Roman what was this he wasn't dressed as anything so there's a banging actually now Joe I expect better David who was the first person to titter let's try and have a level tonight please Joe there was a banging on the door hanging yeah and then you heard the door what happened fire please leave the building right yes so I just thought it was some drunk bloke mucking about yes yes so I said could you please go elsewhere what was your gentleman call us reaction was he still unconscious was the same as me very entertained what do you think of Henning is she is she telling the truth yeah and he's a few inconsistencies like well the thing about the fire I don't believe fair and inconsistency is it there's nothing inconsistent about it it's just it either happened or it didn't it's not like a fire and I was in a lake that will be an inconsistency so you're watching you're picking holes in Henning's command of the English language perhaps we should continue the rest in German y Simon what are you thinking part of me thinks it could possibly be a lie you're going to say lie because you think that the story has got inconsistencies yeah I'm just trying to annoy David now I think I go with Simon so you're going to say it's a lie oh absolutely with them kind of inconsistent Joe were you telling us the truth or were you telling a lie it was in fact the truth it's true Joe did ignore a fireman because she thought he was in fancy dress uh this box contains everything I need to play my family's favorite festive game all right so could you now take the contents out and put them onto the desk please oh well it's it's a plastic cup water pen there sheet of paper yeah well it looks exciting uh what you do right is you get up the glass I'm a bit nervous you come up like with them like the category a category yes yes ah sorry I've got a cramp in my foot just blow with me a minute like diseases [Laughter] you're right that's better thank you so you've come up with a category yes yeah so and I I'm going to start the game off so I think of something in that category um and I write that down on a bit of paper yes you have got to come up with something from the category yes which is trees so you each say a tree and if anyone says the tree that I've written on the paper I throw this over them let's play it let's play it we'll give you a category the category is uh things you might find in a Christmas dinner so food items in a Christmas dinner right now fold the paper up don't let them see it okay okay now Joe Lee and and Joe swash are your sons they've come home no no no no they're back from the youth to town yes bro my money says you can play you can come in and have a play we're all playing the game oh hang on a minute now wait a minute I'm told that my I'm being told that my desk is not waterproof oh yeah but you're no seriously oh my God my skin is soluble I'm telling you the truth that's what they're telling me so remember now boys the category is things in a Christmas dinner get ready here we go let's get the tension all right okay yeah something you'd find in a Christmas dinner okay I'm gonna go for a not roast oh the tension there when she says okay Joe swash uh a Brussels sprout s I'm gonna go for a carrot oh Joe swash Pigs in Blankets oh don't look me tacky Joe swash this is an unbelievably stressful game Yorkshire pudding what are you talking about you should put in the market for Brussels gravy he said gravy I said gravy cranberry he said okay I'll go with some carrots I got him some stuff in yeah that's ever happened to me was that game genuinely something that Joe plays or did she just make it up truth or like even if it's not to come up with that on the spot is Brill I'm playing that on Christmas day oh it's a brilliant game if Joe invented that game in the last few seconds exactly reading off a card then well you should be a genius so what's it gonna be truth or like we're gonna say true okay Joe this is an incredible Christmas game oh my goodness truth or lie it's true yes is true Joe does play the game every Christmas my husband and I have agreed that the hour between seven and eight pm is the only time we're allowed to gripe about our various aches and pains we call this our the moan Zone David's team between seven and eight pm yes is that the time you find the aches and pains of most noticeable no it's because it's when the one show's on specific aches and pains Joe because I will say you've been rather sprightly this evening don't be patronizing though you did say that like you were playing Monopoly with your grandmother so what are the aches and pains Joe well well I've got a bad knee I've got a bad knee actually as well have you yeah what's the cause of your bad knee I don't know about life you know the inferior design technique of the Creator should there be one anyway this isn't about me you moan outside of those hours like do you have like a moon jar where you know the other one can say anything they like to the other one to shut them up including the c word Coco in the hour is it you first seven till seven thirty your aches and pains and then here's a 7 30 to 8 or do you alternate I'll see your knee I raise you uh you know a coccyx this is what David's like when he's chatted up with well it's it's a formal really is this ringing any bells with you Lee I mean in your in your household I would like to get to that age where you can do the chur where you press the button and it helps you up you know right now tell you what this is gonna steal all those younger viewers back from Netflix isn't it how old are you Bobby I'm a prime number one more than a square number but it's a prime number oh in that case you are wait wait I've got this I've got this you are 36 are you you are a prime number one I am a prime number yeah 37 yeah there we go yeah yes I mean 10 points Gryffindor thank you Joe can't believe that Lee has got the Applause when she said we get clever students we know they've got it correct like in parents evening I would say Joe's doing really well but sometimes students at Lee we've got to encourage them in the lesson [Applause] what are you thinking about this well it sounds true to me I mean I I am I think it's a bit weird that we wouldn't believe other people yeah right we may be having a bit of a problem here this evening okay Sam what about you I I quite like it it's very constructive I think it could be true I think we're gonna go with true you're saying true okay Joe was it true or was it a lie it is [Music] it's a lie Joe doesn't have a moan zoned with her husband

Channel: Would I Lie To You?

Views: 129,855

Keywords: #wilty, british comedy, british panel show, david mitchell, david mitchell wilty, david mitchell would i lie to you, lee mack, lee mack wilty, lee mack would i lie to you, micky flanagan would i lie to you, rob brydon wilty, rob brydon would i lie to you, wilty, wilty nope, would i lie to you, would i lie to you bbc, would i lie to you nope, jo brand wilty, jo brand would i lie to you, jo brand best of would i lie to you, would i lie to you jo brand, wilty jo brand

Id: lstlZEpW1N0

Length: 32min 54sec (1974 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 09 2023