THAT'S IT, REALLY. FIRST, THIS WAS OUR FIRST WEEKEND WITH OUR NEW CELEBRITY PRESIDENT. AND YOU KNOW HOW -- SOMETIMES THERE'S A LOT OF HYPE FOR SOMETHING AND THEN WHEN IT FINALLY HAPPENS IT DISAPPOINTS? WELL, THAT WAS CERTAINLY NOT THE CASE FOR PRESIDENT DONALD JOHN MADDEN TRUMP THIS WEEKEND. SATURDAY TRUMP PAID A VISIT TO THE CIA TO MAKE NICE AFTER REPEATEDLY INSULTING THEM ON TWITTER. HE CALLED IT THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY AND COMPARED THEM TO NAZIS WHICH IS THE KIND OF THING THAT UPSETS PEOPLE. SO IN ORDER TO MEND THE FENCE, HE MADE HIS FIRST OFFICIAL VISIT AS PRESIDENT. HIS FIRST VISIT WAS TO CIA HEADQUARTERS. HE SPOKE IN FRONT OF THE WALL OF AGENCY HEROES. THIS IS A MEMORIAL WALL TO THE AGENTS WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES TO THIS COUNTRY. WHILE HE DID TAKE TIME TO TELL THE AGENTS IN THE ROOM THAT THEY HAVE HIS FULL SUPPORT, MOST OF HIS SPEECH FOCUSED ON ALL SORTS OF OTHER STUFF. HE TALKED ABOUT TOM BRADY, HE TALKED ABOUT HIS UNCLE, HE TALKED ABOUT HOW SMART HE IS, HE BRAGGED ABOUT HOW MANY TIMES HE'S BEEN ON THE COVER OF "TIME" MAGAZINE, AND MOSTLY HE COMPLAINED ABOUT HOW THE MEDIA IS REPORTING THE SIZE OF HIS CROWD AT THE INAUGURATION. >> HONESTLY, LOOKED LIKE 1.5 MILLION PEOPLE. WHATEVER IT WAS, IT WAS. IT WENT ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT. AND I TURN IT ON AND BY MISTAKE I GET THIS NETWORK. AND IT SHOWED AN EMPTY FIELD. AND IT SAID WE DREW 250,000 PEOPLE. NOW THAT'S NOT BAD. BUT IT'S A LIE. >> Jimmy: HE IS SO FOCUSED ON SIZE. NOBODY ASKED HIM ABOUT THAT, BY THE WAY, HE BROUGHT IT UP. HE'S FOCUSED ON THE SIZE OF HIS CROWDS, THE SIZE OF HIS RATINGS, THE SIZE OF HIS HANDS, THE SIZE OFFING OF. AGAIN, HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THERE TO MAKE PEACE WITH THE CIA BUT HE COULDN'T HELP HIMSELF. HE HAD A CROWD AND HE JUST STARTED GOING. INSTEAD OF THE CIA HE SHOULD BE TALKING TO A C-I-CIATRIST. PRP. >> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR APPLAUSING THAT STUPID JOKE. I'M SURE YOU SAW THIS. A REPORTER FROM THE "NEW YORK TIMES" POSTED THIS PHOTO COMPARING THE CROWD AT HIS INAUGURATION TO THE CROWD AT OBAMA'S IN 2009. WHICH IT LOOKS LIKE A BEFORE ASK AFTER PICTURE FOR RROGAINE. WHO CARES, HE WON THE ELECTION. BUT HE WAS SO MAD HE MADE HIS PRESS SECRETARY THIS GUY SEAN SPICER, WHO HADN'T EVEN HAD HIS FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE YET, HE MADE HIM GATHER THE PRESS IMMEDIATELY ON A SATURDAY TO YELL AT THEM. HERE'S DONALD TRUMP'S PRESS SECRETARY SEAN SPICER. [ YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ] >> Jimmy: HOLD ON, THAT'S THE WRONG DICTATORSHIP. THIS IS SEAN SPICER. >> INACCURATE NUMBERS INVOLVING CROWD SIZE WERE ALSO TWEETED. NO ONE HAD NUMBERS. BECAUSE THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE, WHICH CONTROLS THE NATIONAL MALL, DOES NOT PUT ANY OUT. THIS WAS THE LARGEST AUDIENCE TO EVER WITNESS AN INAUGURATION, PERIOD. >> Jimmy: NO ONE HAD NUMBERS, BUNT IT WAS THE LARGEST, PERIOD! THAT POOR BASTARD DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE COFFEE MACHINE IS YET, HE'S ALREADY HAVING TO YELL AT EVERYBODY. WHETHER YOU BELIEVE THIS OR NOT I GUESS DEPENDS ON WHICH EYE YOU USE TO LOOK AT IT. IF YOU USE THE LEFT EYE, YEAH, OBAMA'S CROWD LOOKS LARGER. IF YOU LOOK AT IT THROUGH THE RIGHT EYE, STILL LARGER, STILL THE SAME. SO THAT WAS SATURDAY. THEN YESTERDAY TRUMP'S SENIOR ADVISER KELLY ANNE AMWAY SOMEHOW MANAGED TO TOP IT. >> IT UNDERMINES THE CREDIBILITY OF THE ENTIRE WHITE HOUSE PRESS OFFICE ON DAY ONE -- >> NO, IT DOESN'T, DON'T BE SO OVERLY DRAMATIC. YOU'RE SAYING IT'S A FALSEHOOD, AND SEAN SPICER OUR PRESS SECRETARY GAVE ALTERNATIVE FACTS. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: RIGHT, HE WASN'T LYING, HE GAVE ALTERNATIVE FACTS. IT'S LIKE IF YOU TOLD A POLICE OFFICER, I WASN'T SPEEDING, I WAS JUST ACCELERATING EXCESSIVELY. EVERY WEEK NOW WE GET A NEW PHRASE. NOT SINCE CONSCIOUSLY UNCOUPLED HAVE I HEARD SOMETHING AS CONVENIENTLY SKEWED AS ALTERNATIVE FACTS. I WISH I'D KNOWN ABOUT ALTERNATIVE FACTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL. I WOULD HAVE HAD STRAIGHT As. [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: SPEAKING OF HIGH SCHOOL. THIS IS ON THE FIRST FULL DAY IN OFFICE. THIS IS WHAT TRUMP TWEETED. HE WROTE, I AM HONORED TO SERVE YOU. HE SPELLED HONORED WRONG. OR MAYBE IT'S AN ALTERNATIVE SPELLING, I DON'T KNOW. ALTERNATIVE FACTS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, WHO CAME UP WITH THIS? WHOEVER DID THIS CONGRATULATIONS. BECAUSE CAN I GET A CAMERA OVER HERE FROM ABOVE? I'D LIKE IF YOU WILL ALLOW ME, I'D LIKE TO SHARE SOME ALTERNATIVE FACTS ABOUT ME. HERE WE GO. WHERE DO I LOOK? ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW, AT THE OLYMPICS THIS SUMMER, I BEAT USAIN BOLT TO WIN A GOLD MEDAL IN THE 100 METER DASH. I AM THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE. AND I HAVE THE MEDAL TO PROVE IT. IT'S TRUISH. FURTHERMORE, I WANT YOU TO KNOW, EVERY WOMAN TO WHOM I'VE EVER MADE LOVE HAS WRITTEN ME A LETTER OF THANKS. APPLAUDING NOT ONLY MY PERFORMANCE BUT ALSO THE MAGNITUDE OF MY MANHOOD. WHICH HISTORIANS AGREE IS THE LARGEST EVER RECORDED. AND FINALLY, I WOULD LIKE TO THANK EACH OF THE 1.3 MILLION PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM TONIGHT FOR HELPING THE EFFORT -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THE LARGEST TALK SHOW AUDIENCE EVER. THANK YOU FOR BELIEVING IN ME AND THANK YOU FOR THIS. BY THE WAY, I GOT THIS FOR THE SEC SEX, NOT THE RACE.
Aber, aber, aber das Bild war doch nicht im gleichen Moment aufgenommen! Die Hütte war voll.
Und die Witze standen gestern auf reddit!
Der Pressesprecher klingt ein bisschen so wie Conan.