Jack Benny Program: Jack Dreams He’s Married to Mary

the Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strike [Music] [Applause] [Music] be quiet I have enough trouble trying to get that man to go to sleep instead of counting sheep he makes me count his money and he keeps one eye open dear diary today I am especially proud of myself and why shouldn't I be when I finished all my normal household chores a minute and 20 seconds ahead of schedule mr. Benny congratulated me for cleaning the house so fast he said I was the only man to break the sound barrier with a vacuum cleaner I sorted the fan mail and again I got more than he did before mr. Benny went to bed he asked me if I had any ideas he could use for his next television show and I told him he couldn't miss if he just do the things that happened to him in real life like today for instance the morning started out normally enough but anything is liable to happen in the house of Jack Benny [Music] amazing the things they have nowadays shaving cream with dioxin in it shaving cream with lanolin in it shaving cream with chlorophyll in it I had to chase all over town to find shaving cream with soap in it they're all shave nothing like a nice smooth hmm I forgot to put a blade in it [Music] yeah always watching the fights what you get at the market Roger closed for the wait by the bread meat and the usual supply of canned goods mm-hmm but I think next week I'm gonna have to shop at a different market why what's wrong with our regular market well you know how they always charge less for cans that have been yeah well this morning they caught me banding them you ought to be ashamed of yourself bending can so you can get them cheaper I'm glad you were caught they wouldn't have called me if I hadn't asked for a mop what you need with a mom I tried to bend a bottle of milk I'll stop making things up I'll answer that put the groceries away yes hello this is Mary Oh Mary I'm just thinking of following you what's on your mind well what are you doing right now well I've been sitting here thinking and there is something I'd like to talk to you about oh it is Jack it's something I've been thinking about for a long time and now that I've worked up enough courage well uh look Mary I don't know what you're getting at but if it's that important as soon as I finish shaving I'll come over to Europe ah it can't wait I'll come over there I'll take attacked Academy right over well all right goodbye yeah I never heard Mary sounds so serious before I wonder what she wants to talk to me about it must be important the cab fare from her house to mind is a dollar of $20 thirty when he gets stuck by that darn light on sunset oh well [Music] I still can't imagine what Mary wants to see me about couldn't be about our contract she just signed a new one I wonder if say I know what it is for years I've been asking her marrying me and she's always turn me down I even asked her last week that's it she must have changed your mind that's what it is that's all could be yeah I need a dum dum bum bum bah bah bah bum you know Rochester today you can say anything you want to because I'm in an exceptionally good mood you are yeah you know for years I've been asking Miss Livingston to marry mean she's always turned me down and today I think she's coming over to accept know yes sir well congratulations Thanks not when Miss Livingston comes I want you to fix up two glasses of champagne yes gosh I just can't get over oh boy would be wonderful when Mary and I are married we'll be able to go to parties together and go on vacations together file joint income tax returns and maybe someday there'll be a little stranger hey waiter I've been asking Mary to marry me for years she's always turned me down well if she thinks that she can come over here and I'm gonna ask her again just like that she's got another guest coming I'm gonna play hard-to-get I'll tease her a little bit maybe I'll even make her proposed to me and yeah that's what I'll do I'll make her a proposed to me and proposed to me and proposed to me and proposed to me and proposed to me in yes I may make her kneel down when she asked oh gosh she's here she I better be careful I don't want to know how anxious I am I better restrain myself I do good good come on over sit on here Mary no you sit down all righty well why do you want to talk to me about Mary can anybody hear us no no no what is it you want to tell me where's Rochester he's in the kitchen what is it well Jack the something that's been on my mind for a very long time and uh huh well it's such a delicate subject that I I just don't know how to say it you know it's kind of a I don't know how to tell you you called me you rushed over in the cab now what is it you wanna say to me well Jack Jack something has got to be done about your being so cheap Mary is that all you wanted to tell me yes Jack and everybody in town is talking about it about me being chief yes just mentioned one well Barbara Stanwyck Danny Kaye Gary Cooper I only asked for one anyway that's a fine gang to talk about me being cheap especially that Danny Kaye with that head of hair of his he's so cheap he won't even spend 35 cents for a haircut [Music] sorry jack but you better do something about it or you won't have a friend left in the world well I mean it well look look Mary to show you that I I'm not cheap now you're all dressed I'll tell you what I'll take you to dinner we'll go dancing and everything I'm sorry jack but but I have a date for tonight Oh what hold Oh somebody you don't know him no well I guess I better be running along okay so very funny thing when you call said you were gonna rush down here and something to say to me I thought that you were going to well going to what nothing hello goodbye jack bye what's the matter boss you don't look good I got a headache oh and this'll make you feel good champagne it's 7up with an alpha cells Rochester yes was Rochester yes do you think I'm cheap oh no boss I wouldn't say cheap little snob maybe but I know you'd understand well sure I bring you lunch in now no I'm gonna lie down here on the couch a while I better pick this thing up oh no leave it there I might want to ask for a raise oh boy was I fool I was so sure Marian decided to marry me certainly asked her enough she the first time I asked her was when she was working at the main company I spent the whole morning there it was dollar day imagine Mary and me getting married [Music] and now before I pronounce you man and wife I must ask you these questions do you promise to always smoke Lucky Strikes I do and do you know that Lucky's are made of that fine that light that naturally mild tobacco I do how do you both repeat after me LS MFT Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Lucky Strike means fine tobacco do you have a cigarette do you have a lighter good I now pronounce you man and wife imagine being married to Mary all these years [Music] I sure wish they lived closer to the bus stop you know standing behind that counter all day long my feet are killing me yeah that may company sure was busy today hello mrs. Benny oh Christ why are the children well when it and Julius are fine that's good but Irving Richard William Natalie Herman Katherine Sophie Rachel and Michael have cold yeah and what a time for to happen the oldest one stopped school next week alright I better close the window before I catch a cold too you know Emily I'm kind of sorry we had a work so late I'm just kind of anxious to get home early because today is my anniversary really how long you been married to that blue-eyed schnook 21 years oh well up kid it could happen to anybody I almost fell from myself once I'll never forget the first time he walked into the store but he still got the ukulele get something worse the violin oh by the way how's your daughter Johnny oh she's fine she's 17 now you know do you tysharaw fly yeah well I guess I better begin again I'll see you tomorrow Emily good night no I see at the bus stop in the morning okay Oh Johnny hi mother so busy doing my homework I didn't hear you come in well that's funny Darrin II finish with you homework by this time I know but I'm doing it over I never should have Bears daddy to help me look he did some of my math problems and every answer came out 39 that's a number that's stuck in his head plane where's daddy now he's in there writing on that thing oh just how you feel at school they can't understand why I flunk music-appreciation kind of what you be getsu Tyrone Power it is not hello wifey how about a little sweetheart today little sweetheart little sweetheart you don't even know what today is I do too it's our wedding anniversary it was just 21 years ago today that you said I do yeah me and my big mouth one year you've been telling me you're gonna be a big radio actor when is it gonna happen when well don't pick on daddy he's such a good cook all day long I've been slaving over a hot now who can that be [Music] Calvin I want you to meet my parents how do you do mrs. Benny this is my mother daddy take off that apron heads - would you young folks like to be left alone no thanks I'm not well would you like to sit down uh-huh he had a beautiful room you've got a big radio a piano and a television said yes mother works awfully hard hmm oh this is a picture of your father yes that was taken when he was in the Navy he be proud of him underneath it says Admiral that's the name of the television staff [Music] there's some pictures in the family album would you like to see them sure here's cousin Rita and this one's cousin rose and over here his mother and daddys wedding picture oh wait a minute why is your father holding that violin everybody notices that he played at his own wedding as they marched down the aisle to the strains of Oh promise me mama had to hold his rosin no little girl that was me when I started school but you look only 2 years old I was daddy wanted me to get through school early so I could start working dinner's on the table try me come on Tony it's chooses Calvin I think dinner oh yes yes then I can find out if this family is rich after all you can't keep working forever come on Johnny you too Calvin come on who's here that's it now Johnny you sit right over there Mary you sit here and Calvin you sit right here what about you mr. Bennett no I'll serve I'll serve oh hey what are we having turkey r-state it's too you know with an extra person I want to be sure that I can cut the meat real fine you haven't got enough I'll be glad to go home in these no no I'm at it I'll manage now give me your plate Calvin Amir played yeah hey Calvin Joanie told me that your father works in the bank is that right yes he's a janitor five for you kids anyway I'll be right back [Music] [Applause] daddy decided to play the violin for us what will you have dinner jack will you put that thing away and sit down Mary it isn't often that we have company [Applause] [Music] mr. Binney why didn't you sit down and eat before the food gets cold no no I'd rather play [Music] Carson if you want to show your appreciation for the music there's an empty plate right there on the table [Music] [Applause] I've stood about all I can how did mine working all these years and I didn't even mind when you were selling my friends but now you're hurting Johnny chances and why because you're cheap cheap do you hear me Keith that's what you are cheap I'm not cheese I'm not changed I'm not I'm actually well we go alone maybe but not you Yeah right Rochester you know I had hello Oh Mary what is it that's all right hey Mary want to hear something funny I just had a dream that you and I have been married 21 years and we had a 19 year old daughter named Joan yeah [Music] things are always happening to mr. Binney but he must be quite a personality because in honor of his birthday this month his picture is on the cover of this week's issue of Colliers he wrote quite an article for them it's about how he feels now that he's approaching 40 and in the parlance of a golfer it's been quite an approach this is quite a picture mr. Benny it isn't just a photograph it's a painting done by a real talented portrait artist and he had to step forward two artists came over to the house three times when he finished the add little paint left over so mr. Benny made him do the kitchen [Music] there is the only man in Hollywood whose eyes match the knobs of his kitchen cupboards [Music] okay Bali I'm ready to go to sleep baby [Music] Jack will be back in just a moment but first what do you think this is it looks like some form of torture machine doesn't it far from it actually this instrument has a lot to do with a better taste of Lucky Strike cigarettes what you were just looking at was a device for measuring the moisture content of tobacco about to be made into cigarettes and a Lucky Strike manufacturing plant and believe me smoking enjoyment depends a lot on maintaining proper moisture content too much moisture and your cigarette will burn too slow too little and it will taste dry that's why the American tobacco company keeps a sharp eye on the moisture content of the fine tobacco that goes into every lucky during every step of its manufacture here is how robert pendleton who operates the instrument you just saw tests for moisture after the tobacco has been shredded he pushes a container of tobacco under the specially designed moisture meter the long prongs buried deep into the tobacco then electric impulses show the moisture content of that tobacco on a dial yes the fine tobacco that goes into every lucky gets a lot of experiential all along the line the moisture test is just one of the hundreds of quality controls regularly made to be sure that you get all the better taste of Lucky's fine tobacco for smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste and the fact of the matter is Lucky's taste better cleaner fresher smoother so be happy-go-lucky [Music] [Applause] [Music] ladies and gentlemen you know on radio and on television I'm not supposed to be married but I'm sure that most of you know that Mary is really my wife and Joanie my daughter I'd like to have them both take a bow [Applause] I was very proud of you Billy he did a fine job didn't she marry I thought so Joanie would you like to do another TV show with me well I don't know you'll have to talk to my agent Joanie I'm your father I know but mother told me to get an agent [Music] tonight folks he in three weeks [Applause] [Music] program where Leon Pilar Barbara pepper who won't remember one week from tonight on this same station and southern returns in private secretary and don't forget in three weeks the Jack Benny show originated in New York City languages guest star miss Helen Hayes the Jack Benny program has been brought to you by Lucky Strike product of the American this is the CBS television network

Channel: Jenny Li

Views: 93,077

Keywords: jack benny, jack benny program, jack benny show, mary livingstone, joan benny, jack benny full episodes

Id: P2bDzl_yLkU

Length: 28min 25sec (1705 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 04 2018