Jack Benny Birthday Special '69

the outsider will not be presented so that we may bring you the following special program now a special program in living color on NBC Jack Benny's birthday special with his guest stars Lucille Ball then [Applause] better day [Applause] a no bun Loren's well and Margaret as the Valentine what'd you buy [Music] texaco on behalf of Texaco retailers and distributors in all 50 states who say they lit up with Texaco sky chief the gasoline that can drive down the cost of driving and save your money and now the star of our show Jack Benny [Music] [Music] thank you I'm Jack Benny and I welcome you to my special I'm so glad you tuned in because on tonight's show I'm celebrating my birthday and we'll get started in just a minute but first the John Hamlin's of Malibu California are leaving this morning on a cross-country vacation they'll be able to get whatever their Carmindy with the one credit card that really gets around [Music] Mexico has the only credit-card honored under the same sign in all 50 states in throughout Canada ask for an application if you're nearby Texaco station more and more people trust their car she's a man who wears the Texaco star [Music] now as I said before tonight's show I'm celebrating my birthday and doing a show about such an important event gives me a chance to oh I can't ignore it any longer I know you're waiting for an explanation why someone else came out when I was introduced well it wasn't my idea my writers thought of it but I'm gonna take most of the credit because when they told me what they wanted to do I liked it and when they told me to get someone who is hep cool a real swinging cat I immediately thought of Lawrence Welk I wanted to talk to well personally but I didn't know where he lived you see so I jumped into my car bought one of those maps to movie stars home and I was on my way but in the dark the guy handed me an old man and I found out that when I arrived at the address it is now one of those places that sells Fried Chicken now fortunately the colonel was there and he told me that Lawrence Welk lived two miles up the hill so I thanked him licked his fingers he smiled down on me and I grobel now when I got there I knew I had the right place by the number on the house a 1 a 2 [Music] so I press the button on the electric gate and a voice said who is it nice it is Jack Benny now apparently I pressed the wrong button because when I said is Jack Benny the sprinklers came on so while I was standing there with my suit slowly shrinking the colonel came up delivering an order so while I engaged him in conversation I tied a message to the leg of a chicken fate must have been with me because with 20 pieces of chicken in the bucket Laurence choked on my message and he agreed to be on my birthday show I think it was awfully sweet of him and now I would like to bring him back and have him take a bow for doing such a wonderful impersonation as well [Applause] well you're certainly welcome your imitation I'll tell you I can't get over how great you did that impersonation why jag I do a lot of impersonations you do a lot of impersonating Liam get a load of this Edward G Robinson Edward Z Robinson I'll look you guys you keep muscling in on my territory and I'm gonna let you have it see that's one it's great anybody else I can also do Cary Grant you can do Cary Grant let's hear ya judy judy judy but look and I must ask you something though what's that you do such great impression do you do them on your own show or no on my show we don't take any chances [Applause] he must be right he's always in the top ten the CJ paul Getty Onassis oh yeah I better get on with the show and now ladies and gentlemen on tonight's special [Music] now on tonight's special we have some wonderful guests who are here to celebrate my birthday and I know what you're all wondering but I'm not gonna tell you anything you want to guess over 39 you're on your own anything you want to guess under 60 bless you but I don't care how old you think I am because age is actually a condition of the mind for instance take maurice chevalier he just celebrated his 80th birthday now there's a man 80 years old and with him every little breeze still whispers Louise with me I catch a cold [Music] now a lot of people who think they know my real age ask me why don't retire they say to me what do you do with all your money you don't have a yacht you don't have a jet plane you don't have a string of racehorses what do you get out of all your money well the answer is simple seven percent [Music] I must tell you about a couple of birthday presents that I received one was from George Burns a friend of mine part of me listen did you see some penguins yes yes they went that way thank you one thing about penguins they have no sense of direction you know on some shows that information alone could win you our refrigerator ladies and gentlemen on this particular show I must say I'm very fortunate in having yeah I'm just terribly sorry to interrupt you but I'm so embarrassed that I couldn't wait embarrassed about what well I talked to you for 20 minutes before the show and I forgot to wish you a happy birthday excuse me ladies and gentlemen happy birthday jack thank you sir wait a minute come here I know but as long as you're out here stay here for a minute oh I'm not supposed to be out now stay anyway come here I'm glad you're on because I want to tell you how pleased I am that you're on my show Oh Jack I would have been hurt if you hadn't asked me what a ridiculous thought you were the first one I had in mind oh come on now Jack let's be honest I wasn't the first I happen to know that you call London and tried to get Princess Margaret well yes Lucy I'll admit her but after all she's rather pretty and she wouldn't hurt our rating overseas now that's true and another thing she told me she could bring her sister for the same money you mean Queen Elizabeth yes well that would have been a plus Oh everybody loves the Queen imagine having the Queen of England on my show yeah she hasn't been on television since the coronation [Music] right and that was a daytime show yeah who was the sponsor well it must have been some margarine company cuz suddenly there was a crown on her head that's good haha that wasn't even in the script did you just think of that no no last night I had dinner with Lawrence Welk and I found it tied to the leg of a chicken okay that's funny funny I almost choked on it Lucy that's very strange if you think that's strange when I rang the doorbell the sprinklers came on [Music] engi marvelous you know she's so funny I'm amazed she hasn't got her own show that's the silliest thing I'll say tonight oh yes ladies and gentlemen's I started to say I'm very fortunate having is one of my guests a young man with a singing voice that will absolutely thrilled you I know you've all heard about you've heard stories about a singer having a voice so strong that merely by singing certain notes he could create vibrations that would shatter a pane of glass I thought that was a gag see but last night at a little gathering at my house he sang for us and he had a note with such force that had broke a champagne glass I know this is true because I was holding the glass in my hand at the time and when he hit that high note the champagne glass broke and I got 7up all over me [Music] ladies and gentlemen this is his first appearance on American television roalvang [Applause] [Music] a small spicy head saw [Music] [Music] you [Music] do [Music] good [Music] you [Music] [Applause] of all the great songs that are written today this song happens to be a favorite of mine because to me it expresses the the hope of America and the heart of America and the dream that is America [Music] the dream to fight the unbeatable foe Oh too bad with unbearable sorrow to me where the brain and a cool [Music] the unlikable pure and chase from a ball to try when your arms are too it to me it's the unreachable star [Music] so [Music] with my question Oh [Music] bTW glorious quest not my will like be small and come when I'm laid to my room and Baloo will be better for this that one man scored and covered with scales it's just me with his last ounce of [Music] the unreachable [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Livan that was great just wonderful I'm glad you sang Vestal ajooba that same song you sang at my apartment last night you know well thank you mr. Benny and I also appreciate you inviting me to your house for dinner last night it was a pleasure having you oh and here's a dollar for that champagne glass I broke Oh for him you don't have to do that for heaven's sakes no please mr. Benny I insist on paying for it oh well then it was three dollars [Music] three doctors $1 for the glass and $2 to have my suit clean the 7up was 20 cents but I forget it not Raavan I was telling the audience that this is your first appearance on television isn't that right No ah I once appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show [Music] well on the insult where you on the stage or in the audience or on the stage I'm not important enough yet to be in the audience well Roman just keep on singing and someday you will be you know gee I hope so I understand it pays more you mean it pays more to be in Edie Sullivan's audience than being on a show no no it pays more to be in ed Sullivan's audience than being on this show you know that's funny that's a funny joke where'd you get it somebody tied it to the leg of a chicken I know mr. Bennet yes right now I'd like to sing for you [Music] [Music] you know one thing about penguins they have no sense of direction now look if you're expecting a refrigerator forget it now what was it you were about to tell me well mr. bender since this is your birthday yes there's something special I'd like to sing just for you for me on my birthday yes would you mind sitting over here please yeah right here yes right there please the lyrics will tell you how we all feel about you yeah expect vision I this me why this low when you say it's a strange telling magic oh there's much more I could say keep swimming [Music] only one boy to be mr. wonderful listen mr. Lee [Music] this is a business pilot he flies for companies this is a private pilot he flies for pleasure the planes are theirs all theirs and they demand the best for them that's why they touch down at Texaco Airport dealers strategic service commands it's like having a ground crew all their own there are close to 600 Texaco Airport dealers around the country all handle the best fuels and lubricants money can buy all supply the kind of service money can't buy all honor Texaco credit cards [Music] the strategic service command they make the business of flying a pleasure another reason why more people put their trust in the Texaco star [Music] and now I would like to introduce my next guest who is one of the stars of that great Western television show bonanza ladies and gentlemen Dan blocker [Music] good oh my boy Dan in the first place I want to tell you I'm glad you're here with me well Jack it's a pleasure technically and Dan I wanna I don't have to tell you what a fan I am of yours in fact the other the other day I went to the set where you were shooting one of your Bonanza episodes I never saw such action in my life you pulled a guy out of his chair hit him with such force he flew over the table hit the bar bounced back across the room then you picked him up and threw him right through a plate-glass window gee he must have been he must have been a great stuntman I got one stunt man that I hit it was my director your director yeah you see he wanted me to do a lot of violence of a scene and I just I just don't believe in that imagine an actor hitting a director in my last picture the director hit me sometimes I slap back but then how come you talk about being nonviolent and yet you wear two gun no I wouldn't be without him Jack what hello we Cartwright sir always ready we're always prepared if a bad guy comes into town and start some trouble we don't hesitate we draw yeah we aim yeah we fire a feather yeah you see on the Ponderosa we tickle them to death well I'll admit when a guy dies laughing you can't call it violence where'd you get an idea like that the Harper Valley PTA well tell me Dan I want to ask you something how long have you been with Bonanza Jack winner's attempt you imagine ten years yes yes I'm very grateful it's given me everything that I ever wanted that's nice and I understand Dan you lived very modestly that's right jack we have a small ranch out in the valley where we raised Black Angus cattle it's been just wonderful and I'd be the happiest man in the world except for one thing what's that well you see every time we drill for water we strike oil all that ah says I will water for my cattle I don't want oil I don't know what I'm gonna go Dan look I got an idea that might solve your whole problem yeah what what is it I'll supply your cattle with bottled water and you give me that nasty old oil how about sitio Jack oh my boy well with all that oil I won't need it anymore let's quit stop now let me have it let's have what Jack I know why you invited me to be on your show I weigh 280 pounds and you want to use all of those old fat jokes that you used to use on Don Wilson on me Dan I had no intention of doing that no you mean you're not gonna ask me if these are all my Chin's or am I just chewing on a venetian blind of course not I wouldn't do that to you about where you tell me I have to move out of Long Beach to make room for the Queen Mary I never did say that to Don will ha ha I know jack I made that one up myself well Dan I'm sorry to disappoint you but I had no intention of using those jokes on you now in the first place they wouldn't fit they're perfect for Don Wilson because he really is a sort of a big fat tub of lard [Music] I didn't know Don Wilson was in the audience Jack Benny you got a lot of nerve I didn't mind it when I was working for you you make all those lousy jokes about my size about my being fat why would I had an operation you told everybody they took out my stomach and put in a deep free are you stay out of this buster didn't mind it then but you no longer have that privilege done it's all just a joke I mean like like Jax tanginess well he ought to make that very clear all right I will Don I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen Don Wilson is not fat he actually weighs 97 pounds but he's been very cleverly passing himself off as a big tub of lard there you go again there you go now jack you've just got to apologize to me all right Don you're right you are right I'll apologize I'll not only apologize to you in person but I'll even put it in writing and send it to your home in Long Beach but I don't live there any longer you don't know they made me move to make room for the Queen Mary [Applause] now wait a minute wait a minute Wilson that's mind you yeah I know I heard you telling up at Harper Valley I'm gonna save it save it save it ed come on over a minute dad now I want to talk to you I got a great idea dan why don't you and I do an act together where we tell fat jokes about each other that's a marvelous idea yeah just you and I all right oh we don't need that old man my goodness they tilted the stage but you know it was nice seeing Don Wilson again we haven't seen him in about three years in fact the last time I saw [Music] [Music] [Music] a penguin I'm roar skate well he must have gotten them for his birthday you know ladies and gentlemen the reason I wanted dan blocker to be on this mission Danny remember well of course I do I met you girls on my last show your father has a Texaco station uh-huh do you remember what we told you the last time mr. Benny what's that sky chief gasoline can drive down the cost of driving oh yes of course and that can save you money mmm and that's because gar chief keeps deposits from building up on valves better than any other leading gas I remember I remember tonight is your birthday our daddy asked us to UV dis present ah oh my it's an invitation to come in for a free tank full of Texaco sky chief gasoline thank you our daddy gave it to you because you're the only man who buys one gallon at a time you'll try anything to get you to fill up hi I knew it I knew mr. Danny how old are you now well now why don't you how old do you think I am oh I don't know 41 well hey that's awfully sweet of you but I'm a little bit older than that guess again 75 [Music] don't forget mr. Benny for products you can trust you can trust your car to the man who is the star the big right Texaco star end of commercial end of commercial [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you know ladies and gentlemen the reason I wanted dan blocker to be on this show because I thought I was going to do a satire on a Western then I realize it is almost impossible to do it because a Western is self is a satire and the stories are always the same a couple of characters will step out of the saloon the wind will be blowing a lonely tumbleweed will come rolling down the street one company then and you'll recognize the tumbleweeds been a lot of westerns then there's a bad guy that comes in you know the tough guy he always has a rough nickname a tough like dead on or the sundown kid or Ringo now why did he come into town he's gunning for the sheriff and it's always for the same reason the sheriff killed his brother it's never a cousin it's never an uncle or a nephew it's always a brother remember that when you go to see a Western eventually the bad guy finds the sheriff and there's a shootout which is the opposite of a lumpy now whoever gets shot they just let him lie there they never send for a duck you folks have seen that a million times a crowd gathers but nobody sends for a dime let me show you what I mean [Music] now now you'll see exactly what I'm talking about Oh quick quiet town aidid yeah I don't blame the folks for staying off the streets after what happened in Dodge City last night well the sheriff was right that kid had it coming to him [Music] remember what I told you that tumbleweed has made a fortune in picture [Music] I suppose I was telling you about the bad guy yes sir you got a telegram here for me what's your name Ringo Ringo Johnny Ringo hmm there's a telegram for dead i won for the sun down kid nothing for Ringo nothing for Ringo huh nope uh look under herbing Vegas our being painters that I don't understand at all where's your Sherpa he's in his office don't tell him at ringo's to see him Ringo yes sure get a load of this wait whoa where you see this you ought to see me Ringo all right Sheriff go be a gun what far but I'm gonna kitty why cuz you kill my brother what I Jane but I killed your brother cause your brother killed my brother Wow my brother had every reason in the world to kill your brother because your brother sir always a brother all right Sheriff when I count to three you draw one I get it over with three Fancher will catch that Ringo of the last thing we ever do you're darn right we will well it's about time somebody cleaned this town up send for a doctor will form a posse and start out in the morning send for a doc with men like Ringo around this town ain't safe anymore I'll say it ain't safe wouldn't you think that somebody would call a doctor we get people to make sure we'd better wire Dodge City wait a minute the big tub of lard isn't dead see what I told you it happens all the time now now here's a Western situation I never believed and that is where the five Dalton brothers all deadly killers have just broken out of jail and are heading for town to kill the sheriff who sent them to prison and he is ready for him now get a load of this you wanna see something sure well sheriff what is it the five Dalton brothers are heading this way by train I know that see that's why I'm going down to the railroad station Sheriff that suicide they'll be here at high noon from Phoenix I know that's why I'm getting on the 11 o'clock train to Tulsa a 1 a 2 [Music] [Applause] [Music] you know I hate to see him go he's my kind of a chef and our ladies and gentlemen another thing you always see in westerns is the stagecoach that has been on the way for 35 days over 2,000 miles of desert and dusty mountain roads when the passenger step out the men will be filthy dirty but the girl will be as fresh as a daisy as if she has just stepped out of a shower [Music] didn't I tell you fresh is a date oh my god Oh what happened to the water I used it to take a shower you stole our water to take a shower yeah now you're complaining but while I was taking it you were whistling and applauded [Music] everybody out of my way you know what's good for you come on wow you're a new Colin Colin you're beautiful I want to kiss stay away from me oh now come on little lady give me a kiss I warned you stay away from me now [Music] ladies and gentlemen this has gone far enough I better get into this howdy ma'am howdy are you the new schoolmarm yes I came all the way from Boston and I was told I would be met by the sheriff well little lady I got some bad news for you the sheriff was shot by Ringo Ringo that's my brother your brother what's your name Priscilla Pincus wait folks you haven't heard anything yet so you're Priscilla Pincus the new schoolmarm a yes I am oh no you're not you're Lucy Latour I remember seeing you when you were singing and dancing on a riverboat on the Mississippi oh please please don't give me away I came out west to start a new life and forget the past forget the past are you kidding you were sensational you are one of the greatest performers I've ever heard you really mean it meaning I'll say I mean it let's see what was that number you used to do there's a queue for a song have I ever heard [Music] let me make your walk in the joint I could see that you were man off distinction real big spenders good luck in my soul be fine wouldn't you like to know what's going on to the point I don't pop my cork for every guy I see hey babe little time with me well you like to have fun fun fun how's the louder you laughs laughs good time let me show you in the joy I could see that you were men of distinction real big spin but in a painless be fine wouldn't you you get back to the point I don't pop my cork or every guy eyes benda [Music] Hey then a little time with me a little time with me a little [Applause] if you own a boat you'll be happy to know there are more Texaco marinas than any other kind it's another reason more and more people put their trust in the Texaco star you hi Joe oh it's you mr. Benny happy birthday thank you what's the matter nothing nothing I'm old tired that's all oh good night good night you good night Oh mr. Benny yeah I have to run this vacuum cleaner would you mind throwing that switch for me please no [Applause] oh my goodness a birthday party a surprise party for me I can't I can't get hahaha send for a doctor happy birthday mr. Benny ha Janice haven't seen you in so long how've you been Oh fine thank you hey you look wonderful to him thanks what are you doing here well I came to wish you a happy birthday and here's a present oh isn't that sweet tee' Dennis I haven't seen you such a what is this I wonder what is it now it's a broken Cup oh I'm sorry yeah Jack that's such a beautiful cake let's eat it wait a minute let me catch my breath for heaven's sake Jack I'll have a marvelous gift for you I think you're gonna love it Oh Oh this is Jess one what is this that's a charm from the Ponderosa that's beautiful but what is it well that is the wisdom tooth of an enraged Buffalo go well thank you dad I'll always keep it because I know I won't be able to give it away I gave him a broken Cup sorry jack Jack we all have presents for you but why don't you open them after you cut the birthday cake that's a good idea and I'll start the bubble machine [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thank you I brought you a little present it's a combination birthday present and Valentine's Pres oh it's beautiful Jack you know I've been working on this thing for days and nights night and day day and night hammering soldering molding and you realize that for the last three hours I've been in there working like a dog well Jerry you shouldn't have done that imagine being inside there for three hours [Applause] I thought I told you to wait in the heart you mean for three hours you've been in there with Jerry Lewis what have you been doing we've been celebrating your birthday my birthday for everything I was three days ago that's when we started celebrating cut the cake I'm hungry look before we cut the cake I want robe on to sing my favorite song and I want to cover him on my bio wait a minute it's my birthday and it's my party I'm gonna do what I want Don will you get my violin please the Stradivarius now just a minute mr. Benny I've known you a lot longer than he has and if anybody's gonna sing it's gonna be me yeah wait a Monroe bond is my guess I don't care I sing as good as he does Oh Thank You Dennis don't be ridiculous Jack well if he wants to sing let him yeah okay kid what do you want to sing your favorite number cuando caliente el sol okay all right I gave him a broken cup one [Music] yeah everyone says yes to fight behind in the pelo some professors [Music] give me your love [Music] love me always [Music] areas live I do live Jack if you think that's bad look what's happening to the birthday cake [Applause] ladies and gentlemen between Dennis day and those penguins today I've it's time to do the commercial Oh Oh the commercial yes Oh the copy for you to rehearse while we set the stage thank you bring the microphone in all right light top let's bring a set then let's see fill up with Texaco sky chief because it can drive down the cost of driving can save you money so you really should fill up remember we'll pay you to fill up because sky chief keeps deposits from building up on valves better than any other meeting yet so ladies and gentlemen get hexakill sky chief and tell tell the man to fill it up yes sir mr. Bennie throw it up one gallon please [Music] well that's that but somebody handed me a wire just I came on from my very good friend George Burns it says here dear jack happy birthday and I would I didn't know you could send a wire like this anyway I want to thank all of my guests for being on my show and Lucy Lucy come back here a minute will you please Gracie now let the show's over how about going out and having a little drink with me hi Jack Benny I'm surprised at you you're a happily married man and I'm a happily married woman how did you make a suggestion like that well I just asked you to go out and have a little drink with me that's all oh sure it sounds innocent enough but it becomes a secret rendezvous in the dimly lit cocktail lap with romantic music playing in the background really I'm surprised at you jack what would Mary think well Mary's coming with us then forget it [Music] that's my show for tonight and I hope you enjoyed it and thank you all for coming to my birthday party birthday special has been brought to you by Jessica makers of Texaco skychi the gasoline that can drive down the cost of driving and save you money so fill it up yeah mr. Vani more and more people trust their car to the man who wears the Texaco star [Music] this Sunday beginning at 6:30 5:30 Central Time a glowing ballet version of a timeless classic Little Women narrated by Geraldine page [Music]

Channel: Donazify

Views: 56,718

Rating: 4.7711673 out of 5

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Id: E5j9q3AsA0Q

Length: 61min 59sec (3719 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 05 2017