Now, the first step to
any erotic conquest is to D, demonstrate your value. In this most recent
case, my subject was Kailey a cute pharmacist. I demonstrated my value to
her by filling a prescription. I told her, it's
for my grandmother. She's quite ill. Thus demonstrating my
value as a loving grandson and an all around great guy. You're forging
prescriptions now? That's the easy part, Dee. I would have gone in and
bought a box of magnum condoms, thus demonstrating that
I have a monster dong. Right, that comes off a
little bit desperate, Frank. Now, if you want to have
a magnum condom peeking out of your wallet
when you go to pay, that's a different story. Now, let's move on. Once you've
demonstrated your value, you are going to
want to ask her out. Once you've asked
her out, you move on to E, engage physically. I personally try to engage the
girl physically without ever going on the date,
which to me is really just a waste of time and money. I'll tell her I know this
great little restaurant. Doesn't take reservations. That makes it sound cool,
makes it sound exclusive. And then when we get
to the restaurant, the restaurant is
closed, as, of course, it always is on Sundays. So I'll feign surprise and
say something along the lines of, well, I guess we
could grab a pizza and watch a movie at my place. That's where I come in. Oh, you're a part of this? Oh, yeah. Mac has a very special
place in my system. MAC: Yeah, you see, I'm
on the couch when they come in and ask to be alone. And I say, I can't
go into my room because I found a Black
Widow spider in there. And then Dennis fires back
that he wants some privacy, so that they can get to
know each other more better. DENNIS: And then
I say, oh, well, I guess we could always
eat the pizza on my bed and watch the DVD in my room. And once we're on my
bed, it is game over. I engage her physically and
the sexual waltz begins. Pizza's good. You're the one that's good. Smooth. Very, very smooth
stuff, very classy. I'm learning a lot from
you right now, dude. OK. Now, once you've had
sex with the woman, she will naturally
start to depend on you. OK. All women do this. They certainly do. You got that right. Women Once you bang them. Like that. Right, right. Which brings me to the first
N, nurturing dependence. You're going to want to nurture
that dependence that she's feeling on you now, guys. Have her car towed. Or you can slash her tires. Either way, make her
depend on you for rides. Or you can use my
personal go-to, which is to create a fictional angry
neighbor who's threatening her and tell her you'll
take care of them. Hit up a pay phone
so that she can't trace the calls back to you. Give her a call
and say something along the lines of, I'm
watching you, you bitch. You're going to die tonight. Oh for Christ's sake,
you're a complete sociopath. Don't interrupt, OK? Now, if you've completed all
the other steps properly up to this point, she'll naturally
want to take the relationship to the next level. But you're not going
to do that, you're going to do the exact opposite. Pull back, guys. Pull back. Which brings me to the second
N, neglect emotionally. You stop taking her phone calls. Cancel all your plans. Maybe that fictional angry
neighbor that you've simulated comes back and this time, you're
not around to cool him off. Hello? DENNIS: Welcome to hell. [EVIL LAUGHTER] This will frighten the
shit out of her, OK. She'll start getting really
mixed up because you're not there to protect her. She'll start questioning
her self-worth, start questioning
her-- her self-esteem. And that's the perfect
time to I, inspire hope. In Kailey's case, I
went to her window and I screamed, Kailey,
listen, listen, wait. I want to tell you that
the reason I was distant is because I was afraid that
you were going to break my heart and I got scared. But I'm not scared
anymore, baby. I love you. I need you. And then, naturally, we bang. [MUSIC- BERLIN, "TAKE MY BREATH
AWAY"] Watching every motion in
my foolish lover's game. And this is the
best bang of all because it's very
emotional for her. You see, she thinks she's
broken through my tough exterior and coerced affection from a
man who was afraid to love. And then I slink
out into the night, never to talk to her again. Separate entirely. Yes, Mac. That's right. I S, separate entirely. D-E-N-N-I-S The Dennis System. That my friends, is the key
to winning any girl's heart. CHARLIE: Yeah. DENNIS: Oh, yeah? MAC: Better than I remember it.
This season is just amazing.
I never pass up the opportunity to say 'You're the one who's good'
M.A.C system - Move in After Completion
Dennis's slow reveal as a possible serial killer and rapist is probably one of the greatest television character developments of our generation.
"I'm watching you, you bitch! You're gonna DIE tonight!"
This episode will always be the peak of the series to me.
Interesting fact - The actress that plays the pharmacist is actually his wife in real life.
“Oops I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong. “
My favorite part of this scene is imagining Dennis making this giant note pad in advance just incase he needs to explain the D.E.N.N.I.S. system to the gang.