Is it them or is it me? What you can learn from a toxic relationship.

have you ever had a friend tell you about their relationship issues and it seems so clear what the issue was you could see that both people needed to work on stuff and you can see that maybe that relationship was not meant to be isn't it interesting how we can see other people's relationships clearly instead of our own tune into this video and find out what you need to know to figure out about your relationship and is it them or is it you glad to be back friends and today I'm going to be discussing relationships but more specifically is that them or is it me you know oftentimes when we find ourselves in toxic relationships relationships that aren't working we have a tendency of wondering what's wrong what can be changed what can we do to change the situation and we often look at our partner first and find the faults within them because it's a lot easier looking at somebody else in our relationship and seeing the problems that they have versus maybe some of the situations and problems that we're dealing with and so in today's video I'm going to really explore relationship difficulties why we stay in these toxic relationships what we don't realize but the things that we need to overcome so let's go what I found is that we actually look to define the problem with the other person instead of looking within us to determine well how we got here and why we're actually accepting this in our life and I think these are very important things to think about because how he got into this relationship and why we keep accepting this are very important because it says a lot about where we are mentally physically emotionally where we came from our upbringing and many other things that I'm going to talk about so why do we do it why do we stay in these toxic relationships why do we do it okay the first reason we do it I think is based on insecurity the desire to not want to be alone many of us are insecure and the fact that we don't want to live our life by ourselves we don't want to be alone we're even scared or fearful to be alone and that he puts us in a position of well beggars can't be choosers kind of thing right yes they have their faults maybe I'm not that happy but maybe they'll get better maybe they're gonna change that might remind you of somebody maybe yourself friend or family member another reason we stay in this relationship is because we're codependent okay codependency is one of the big things that keeps us in relationships that really aren't working okay to me a toxic relationship is two people together that don't need to be together and they're together because of the fear of the unknown fear of being alone a lot of the reasons why we have codependency is based on our childhood okay the way we were raised and I've talked about this in previous videos and why I talk about it often is because it's true okay the way we were raised dictates a lot of how we act and what we think is normal and what we're willing to live with and those things don't change and so we actually you know physically mentally and emotionally change our old perspective in a line with a new value system and the fact that maybe we were raised by someone who was a narcissist and we were used to being around that very unhealthy but very normal you see and until we realize that the narcissistic attitude and that type of personality is not good for us and we move away from that type of relationship until we understand why and until we understand our value we can't let go of that codependency with a narcissist just an example okay so let's go deeper into why we do this why do we stay in this relationship we stay in this relationship because we're accustomed to finding the problems and finding solutions we actually believe that when we find problems with someone else if we just pick it apart enough if we just read enough self-help books we'll figure it out and then we'll come up with a solution and we'll have this great life and everything's gonna be perfect and and life is gonna be awesome and we're used to being this way because we've had to deal with this growing up as well another reason why we stay in the relationship is it's easier to see problems and other people we see the problems in the other person but we really don't see the problems in ourself okay very important and it's easier to look at them and looking at ourselves a good example is when you have a friend go to lunch with you or dinner and they're talking about their life and you can see the issues quite clearly you can see what they need to do you can see the forest of the trees and it seems really easy but when it comes to your own life what it's difficult it's too close and that's why we end up looking at the other person in the relationship and finding all the faults with them instead of looking back at ourselves and realizing that we're in this relationship to figure something out perhaps the person is mirroring me in just a little bit and if they're not marrying me and it's really highly toxic am i stayin in this just because of the fear insecurity just because of the codependency why am i staying in the relationship so let's go into the fact of what we really don't realize because this is very important and these relationships are things that we don't realize and things that we definitely need to be aware of the first thing is that like I was saying earlier they are not the problem really even if it is a toxic relationship it isn't about necessarily making the relationship work it's about identifying the issue and realizing how did I get here why did I choose this is there something from my past like my mother or father that actually made this relationship look quite normal am i insecure with myself and don't want to be alone because I don't know myself well enough and so being able to realize that the solution most of the time is not staying together and making it work it's about figuring out that it's time for you to probably let this relationship go in to part ways another thing that we might not be aware of is that we were not put on this planet to fix the other person okay we weren't like put on this planet to fix them we were put on this planet to fix ourself okay and oftentimes these relationships will they're always learning tools okay they're always tools that we can use to learn about ourselves we don't have to stay in hell we can walk through hell briskly and get to the other side it's about understanding what we need to fix about ourself and last but not least people do not change unless they want to or unless they have to so you wanting somebody to change isn't gonna make them change the only person that can change and that you have the power to change is yourself so you have the power to change to either be codependent in the relationship and just be in the relationship and let them walk all over you or you can challenge yourself and decide am I ready to find who I am am I ready to make the internal changes and to do the real the real real homework to really figure out who I am to let go of my past baggage and to eventually find someone that unconditionally loves me only after I figured out how I can actually unconditionally love myself now it's the time to think about things to overcome the first thing that you want to be able to overcome is fighting to stay together even though the relationship is not healthy okay and why do we do that well at a codependency but also some of it is sheer ego the ego that this is going to work I'm not gonna let this relationship die I am in charge here I am NOT going to have another failed relationship but the thing is is that if you look back at the past relationships before that doesn't it seem similar when we don't deal with our own personal baggage we bring it into every single relationship we have now the other person might have Louis Vuitton trunks of baggage okay it's not about who has more baggage than the other person but the fact is that if we're not healthy going into a relationship a hundred percent healthy and the other person isn't unless we're willing to do a lot of therapy work together and really get to the core of our issues and then and then and even then we're gonna stay together otherwise we really have to step back and ask ourselves why am i fighting for this relationship when I haven't really even fought for myself another thing that we need to overcome and this is in every single relationship bar none is that we have to stop being codependent and this is huge this is a really big deal and the reason why it's so hard for many of us is that we learned it at such a young age okay and young age dealing with upbringing and parenting and being a child we learn this we learned this from watching our mom and dad we learned it and so we have to sit back and peel back that onion a codependency and realize what's involved in that one of the first things is I don't even know me I don't even understand what makes me tick I don't even have unconditional love for myself I'm just trying to like figure it out and then I'm trying to figure it out with somebody else and then we also have all this baggage together and they have all this baggage and then I'm codependent with whatever they're doing and I'm not even learning about myself and so I put myself on the back burner for a relationship that most people consider is toxic another thing to think about this relationship even though perhaps toxic is a positive stepping stone to reify your weight your life and understand who you are I'm gonna say that one more time even though this relationship might be defined is toxic it's a positive stepping stone to reevaluate in your life and understanding yourself clearly okay sometimes it takes this type of lesson and these lessons are the ones that are best learned okay and when we're able to step back and say it's not that person's fault they're not evil okay they're not evil they're not the evil one I'm not the evil one when we can step back and realize it's just not gonna work but it's not gonna work because not just them it's both of us we both have things that we have to work on maybe it seems that one person has more things to work on than you do but is this keeping score are we just trying to get healthy and I think sometimes we have to back it up and say you know what I care about this person it's not working I love them at the core and in order to really show them that I care I've got to let them go let them find what they're looking for and maybe they'll go in and find what they're looking for when there's not someone else to be codependent with I hope this content has helped you I hope that it's opened your mind to a relationship that you're dealing with right now perhaps it's open your mind in a way that you never thought if you haven't already subscribed to the channel please do and please share the video with anybody that you feel needs this content but let me ask you a question what did you learn from your last relationship whether it was toxic or unhealthy and have you really worked on overcoming that baggage and understanding yourself before going into your next relationship let's start the conversation in the meantime don't forget to live your true life you

Channel: Ashley Berges

Views: 22,420

Keywords: toxic relationships, relationships, lifestyle, health, healthy living, live your true life, how to, hack, tutorial, information, insight, knowledge, spirit, spiritual, living, life, help, psychology, community, coaching, life coach, insecurity, co-dependency, Ashley Berges, life coaching, health and wellness, marriage, dating

Id: qFpwff3M7Mw

Length: 11min 50sec (710 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 31 2018