Is it Fear of Commitment or the Wrong Partner?

[Music] thanks again everyone for being here this is your transmute yourself weekly live show and my name is javier penalba i'm your host in this show we talk about topics related to fear of commitment so that you can create your own fulfilling relationship all right today we're going to talk about a topic which is a question the question is is it fear of commitment or is it simply the wrong partner when i was in my dating phase several years ago that was one of the questions that came up most of the time and it was simply like that is it simply the wrong partner what if i'm just not with the right person right and why did i get this well i was feeling anxious in my relationships right i was getting scared very easily trying to getting this feeling as if i needed to escape i didn't feel a connection after a couple of weeks or months in my relationship sometimes i had this feeling of a little bit of resentment or unexpressed communication and emotions with my partner and that created a void within me and i couldn't connect right and i just thought this is not the right partner otherwise i wouldn't be feeling all of this i would be feeling butterflies in my stomach and i would be feeling connection love i would feel joy and i would not be feeling this back right so when people ask me why did you break up that was the my response most of the time it was not the right partner with simply the wrong partner i just need to keep looking so as i have let's say worked and understood and understood a lot more this topic of commitment phobia and as many of you might know i'm already married and i have uh gone through many phases in understanding and solving this issue i came up with this very simple strategy to to solve that question that i had of whether it's the wrong partner or maybe it's something else maybe it's something mine right maybe it is actually my own fear of commitment what i came up with is a simple red flag checking so you check if your relationship includes any red flags and this red flags can be anything for example that crosses a certain boundary what does that mean it can be abused for example is there any type of physical abuse from your partner or mental or verbal abuse for example and i'm talking about something that is recurrent not something that happened maybe once maybe it can also be i was saying physical or verbal abuse it can be constant cheating lying or making you feel bad right like offending you in a recurrent manner why do i why do i say in a recurrent manner because you know we all make mistakes right and we all go through different phases and it might be that your partner is going through something right and they might not be feeling well but it might be again a phase so i wouldn't say because it something happened once that that's a red flag and you should just run away immediately just check have patience and understand each other sometimes these things have to happen so that people can understand each other better and feel more connected so i wouldn't say directly he lied to me or she lied to me once that's a red flag let's run away let's break up right that's not what i mean remember if it's something recurrent if it's something that is not sustainable okay maybe that's a red flag now how do you know then if what you have if you have commitment again going back to the to the red flags it might be that you're feeling fear of seeing your partner it might be that you want to run away or you feel anxious around your partner and that can be easily make a self-protection mechanism from yourself because your partner is actually representing something close to a real danger right and then you feel you might be feeling some of these things even these reactions can be worked i i think that you can also adjust and check what's going on with you even in those circumstances but it is closer to something that's dangerous so i would say that could be a red flag on the other hand with fear of commitment if you're feeling this fear that i was mentioning before right if you from one moment to another feel deflated emotionally as if um as if you lost your love from one day to another you can see it a little bit as if you're holding a basketball for example and it falls down and then you cannot find it anymore you can make that analogy with love if you have fear of commitment it's as if it falls it rolls away and then you don't find it if you if you have that sensation then it is probably fear of commitment especially and and all the symptoms that i'll be mentioning are especially if you're not having any red flags from your partner if there's no abuse if there's no cheating it's simply something that happened to you from one moment to another and you don't really understand what's happening right also if you're feeling harassed very easily meaning if you feel like your partner wants to control you they're always on top of you they don't give you your space if you're feeling that consistently but objectively if you can have a little bit of conscious consciousness and see objectively whether that's true or not it might be that actually you're you're producing that because of your past it is then a symptom of fear of commitment also if you're more addicted to the chase meaning to the um to the process in which you're meeting the other person and trying to lure her or him to be your partner right if you're more addicted way more addicted to that than to actually enjoying being with your partner in a more stable harmonious relationship then also that's a sign of fear of commitment if you need to play hide and seek in order to feel emotions in your relationship meaning if you cannot be fully available because that becomes boring or if you don't want your partner to be fully available because that's also boring and you need that in order to feel something then those are signs of fear of commitment also what i've said before anxiety right if you get anxious very easily around your partner if you get into a lot of overthinking or get obsessed with flaws then those are signs of fear of commitment now how do you tell them if it's the right partner and i'm not gonna go that deep into that what i'm gonna tell you is if there are no red flags right and you have some signs of fear of commitment it is hard to tell whether that person is for you because you're practically blind at that moment it's hard to to appreciate the person that's in front of you you can see it a little bit as if you're wearing a pair of glasses and they have stains right they have like a black stain here and a red stain here and different colors but you don't know that you're wearing glasses and you see your partner and you think that she has those those spots those stains right and you want to clean her you tell her do not get too close to me do not tell me what to do we need more space we need more time [Music] alone this type of things you're trying to change those things you to clean them by cleaning your partner without realizing that they won't go away because those things are on your lens on your glasses so you can then say all right i'm gonna change my partner so that those things go away but then these things remain it's as soon or as until you remove those glasses and you can really see what's in front of you that you can start appreciating the person that's in front of you again your partner and you can only do that if you work on yourself if you work on why it is that you're feeling this fear of commitment why you're feeling anxious so easily or disconnecting why is it hard for you to feel strong emotions all of these things can be worked out if you if you go within if you ask yourself the right questions or if you look for help for someone that can ask you those right questions so i would say if you're in a relationship and you have fear of commitment and you have you're you're considering breaking up let's say because you think is the wrong partner i would recommend to first check within check within yourself remove as many as possible as you can of those stains and uh so that you can see really objectively what's in front of you and then your decision and your choice will be a lot more conscious than just emotional because if you have fear of commitment usually the choices the choices of partners that you make are very very emotional all right so this are the recommendations and what i wanted to share with you today i really hope that you have enjoyed it if you have any questions don't hesitate to write them on on the chat thanks again for being here and i will see you next time don't forget to like my channel to subscribe and to share if you find this valuable thanks a lot see you next time [Music]

Channel: Transmute Yourself Coaching

Views: 12,036

Keywords: Is it Fear of Commitment or the Wrong Partner?, transmute yourself, fear of commitment, commitment phobia symptoms, commitment phobia in relationships, fear of commitment in relationships, relationships, conscious relationships, commitment issues, relationship advice, afraid of commitment, relationship anxiety, commitment phobia anxiety, commitment phobe push/pull, fear of intimacy, life coaching, avoidant attachment, fear of commitment or not the right person, dating advice

Id: N-7x87hwRGo

Length: 10min 31sec (631 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 11 2022