Is Goosebumps For Chumps? - NitPix

this video is sponsored by amino hi guys is John Michael Jenny's here from Team nitpicks I got a slapping banger of a video prepared for you today oh [ __ ] I can't believe you've done this it all started with my fat ass slumped on the couch I was mindlessly browsing Netflix like Lobot from Empire Strikes Back and I noticed the film which caught my eye a film that I can only describe as goose bones RealD 3d you remember goosebumps right best-selling book series for 8 to 12 year olds written by sky with old peru's goosebumps to varying degrees over the many years I mean we've all seen them or read a few probably not all 130 of them and if you have read all of them chances are nothing scares you because these books are terrifying there's one about sentient gnomes there's why I'm afraid of bees which is a classic there's one about monster blood actually there's five about monster blood from 1992 to 2000 goosebumps dominated culture in the same way Lobot dominates my sexual fantasies I love your stoic expressions you want me to go back to my review on February 1st 2000 on that fateful foggy Friday afternoon at 5 p.m. every child with a dream stood up and loudly declared I am sick of goosey I am totally sick of Goose bar sick of the choose-your-own-adventure think of all the goosebumps Tasik of the Sega CD goosebumps game with Jeff Goldblum as a Bansal the TV show canceled the books I'm sick let's make Harry Potter the bestseller instead and once it was said and done it was said and done but the point I'm making is 6 years later the book series came back and then they released this movie and now I'm reviewing it now this goosebumps film has been on the table since the 90s I mean this is a million dollar franchise and building up hype was the name of the game to coerce us into paying for the privilege to suckle on the fat titty of nostalgia Sony implemented many tactics from having mad lab monsters get littie at comic-con to making slappy the dummy beg goosebumps fans to please please see the movie and there was even a 90 style goosebumps music video produced called bumpkin a Gousha featuring Jack Black's phoned-in narration and sexy fluorescent dancing wishes viewer beware you're in for a scare needless to say sony was riding high with the goosebumps of franchise idea announcing a sequel before the first was even released dony Pictures is reportedly already working on a sequel based on the books that have sold over 350 million copies worldwide goosebumps is set to hit the silver screen on October 16th so Sony seems very [ __ ] confident and the reviews came in and they were pretty good so we grabbed our pumpkins we grabbed our green horror fiends Pepsi Cola we had a fat pack of monster munch in our grubby hands and we queued around the block to see sparks rated PG 3d 3d all you waited to watch on Netflix on a whim like I did after I finished watching 2015's Krabs pumps gross slumps began to form on my face body and genitals these are what I like to call Joe Michael's patented juice lumps due to my refined palate of mostly indie cinema when I watched a disappointing piece-of-trash gross inky juice lumps form all over my delicate flesh these boils are all of my repressed criticisms bursting at the seams of my body so I thought why not make some money out of might pass by popping my juices all over the internet for your appeasement but do you know what also appeases the internet stories and I don't mean the kind your grandfather reads to you while you're snuggled up in bed I'm talking about amino stories stories about anime stories on modeling comedy skits and of course movie and TV content which is where I throw my hat and the ring Sam counts down his top five Desert Island blu-ray discs and our first amino story is great what and why would it be good like this island kids yeah unlike other apps on amino the story stay online forever so even when I'm gray and old and reading you a bedtime story you'll be able to watch our quirky wacky goofy amino stories if you're a fan of our second channel dick pics then you'll want to eat this story up immediately just search nitpicks on my profile subscribe and turn on notifications don't be lame be cool like me with amino from the very start of this film is filled with tropes now I don't mind tropes you know no stories original and all that but here there are ten of them in the first twenty minutes we have clay Jensen or Zac our protagonist who has at least four tropes dead parent who is not over yet contrived love interest he's the new kid in town and his mum is the principal wow I haven't seen that since everything sucks which technically came out afterwards but I'm sure this shows up in a billion other movies which I'm not going to research because you know I'm right we have the contrived love interest as established before Zach loves her because she's the girl next door but she also has an overbearing father who locked her away and doesn't let her leave the house I mean that trope has been around since Rapunzel and it doesn't end there we also have the overly supportive obnoxious desperate for love on who remind you why you continue to dislike Amy Schumer and the ever-popular doofy police officers which remind you of Monster House there's also the dopey cowardly best friend who we meet in this scene you taking anyone in the dance oh [ __ ] there's a dance as well poor zach is his first day in this high school and he's already got to find a date for the dance with this film written by a I know it wasn't you idiot this is an original film production but that's clearly a [ __ ] lie as all these generic tropes and character conventions are implemented to serve the minimum requirements of what a family action-adventure film should look and sound like it's easy to digest easy to follow and takes no artistic risks within the first act is blatant transparent the Goosebumps has only been made to cast the widest net have the widest appealed and build a multi-million dollar franchise but if Sony wants to get people excited about the franchise there has to be ingredients to the product which give us a reason to want to come back when they use this many common conventions and all of them go the way we expect what interesting direction can this film actually go let alone multiple films Jack Black is probably the only saving grace of goosebumps he plays the man himself he seems to be the only person that is enjoying himself Stein is an eccentric arrogant but ultimately kind writer who has to take charge in saving the day jab black scenes are the most likely to make you laugh just because his characterization of a RL Stein is so strange and over-the-top it reminds me of some of the characters in the goosebumps TV show but I'll speak more about that later Black is clearly having fun and trying his best and his inflections and facial expressions are so odd that he generally pulls it off unless you don't like Jack Black to Richard Rose responds with bro have you not seen nacho libre because that will convert you I know what you're thinking this doesn't seem like goosebumps to told you Michael where's the Munsters where's the scares where's the horror this just feels like 13 reasons why why are you reviewing 13 reasons why agains you Michael you can't well don't worry kids goosebumps is about to get spoopy clay Jensen breaks into Stein's house and they find some dusty old books with locks on them curiosity gets the best of them and they open one of the books oh no is the abominable snowman he's come out of the book ah they run around a bit they chase and they are chased but luckily Stine shows up and sucks that hairy disgusting white Beast back to where it came from great job team four there's one hitch the ax bomb the Obama knee the snowy fist bumper accidentally opens another goosebumps book and I'll [ __ ] slappy steals all the books open Thurman releases all the classic iconic Jews gloms monsters aside from Gary the B from Y I'm afraid of bees Gary was shamelessly cut from the film because he wouldn't give the producer any honey and by that I mean suck his dick so if you haven't seen it this is what this film is all the monsters are out and tormenting the town are stereotypes and Jack black have to find a way to stop them I don't know why else I expected to be honest I mean this is what Sony sold this film to us as oh look there's gonna be all the monsters check out all these crazy designs we've got isn't this movie going to be great but the gimmick of just having these monsters jump out of the book seems to diminish what the Goosebumps books are actually about in the books each of these monsters are standalone and have context to them it's that context that makes them memorable in the movie the gnomes are essentially just evil Despicable Me minions in the books the whole thing is at least more interesting the dads obsess with gross garden ornaments and the gnomes aren't simply gnomes there are mischievous elves who have been taken from their native home and want to be free they use the fact that the gnomes can become statues as a unique way to build tension something that the movie froze out entirely this is the problem with making a huge Monster Mash all the monsters which are elf Styne built had a unique relationship with the protagonists the horror wasn't just in their aesthetic it was what they did and why they did it in this film they have been filtered to the point where they are indistinguishable from any other uninspired representation of Halloween monsters any type of interactions with the products of our owl Stein's imagination diversions are a series of overblown chase sequences oh no you're running away from the werewolf oh look you need to run away from the giant praying mantis oh great is the end of the film and they need to run away from all the monsters don't touch me monsters don't touch me this would definitely be scary if you're an acid but it's unlikely six or twelve year olds are gonna be tripping balls in the cinema like me that's the main issue with this film goosebumps 2015 ain't scary it doesn't even try it's much more of an action-adventure film you know like your lego movie or Jumanji remake or wreck-it Ralph this isn't a horror movie for kids in the vein of something like Coraline Monster House or Marv tears which is dumb because I thought that was supposed to be the whole [ __ ] point of goosebumps I actually went to schools and I say to kids why do you like this why they every time they say we like to be scared every single time but there's a reason why Sony decided to turn goosebumps into a bland generic action-adventure film and that's because making a horror film for kids is way harder to do think of your favorite horror movie ever made without door nudity or swearing one that you can watch with your ten-year-old nephew who's staying with you because his parents are getting divorced Return to Oz is definitely the most [ __ ] one I showed it to my nephew and he had a stroke but aside from that and the ones I just mentioned there really aren't that many if you've seen my happy time murders video you'll know that making creepy [ __ ] for kids can be a financial risk with the horror genre atmosphere intention needs time to reach a boiling point and kids just don't have the attention span needed and chances are if they can sit for it it'll be too intense for them and you'll get mums complaining but I'd argue that if there was ever a time to have an actual crack at trying to make it work it would be with the franchise whose entire point was built around scaring kids aside from completely abandoning the horror aspects that make goosebumps popular this narrative device where all the monsters just come out the books is probably the most basic and literal way to write a goosebumps movie RL Stine has a magic typewriter that can manifest any creation he writes the plan is to write one big story with every goosebumps creature so they can use this new book to suck the monsters back in look at him typing away for his dear life this story must be really rushed and contrived imagine having to write a story with every goosebumps monster in it with a satisfying ending where all of the monsters are defeated probably won't come out very well I imagine anyway clay Jensen finishes this terrible cobbled together novel a book RL Stein would be embarrassed to release and then they use that book to suck up all the monsters just like in Canary Wharf then everyone gets laid because that's what kids want to see people tonguing each other sharing saliva physical intimacy but there's a problem with clay squish it turns out she's not a real girl she's just another one of our old Stein's creations and she sucked up with the other monsters that's right RL Stein manifested an attractive tween daughter lied to her and kept her locked away in his house did he write her originally as a baby and she's just grown up or is she stuck as this age why didn't he write a mother for her is he um is she's just there to suck his dick but none of this matters because Stein comes up with a solution he just writes her back into existence again and then Zack says can you please bring my dad to life and our AL Stein says no I only bring back women but please I miss him no that's the end of Bruce Long's 2015 and that's all my boils popped it ties up in a nice neat bow and there was nothing to make it memorable or impactful it was mediocre enough to not get into too much [ __ ] for not really respecting or adapting the essence of RL Stein's work away I forgot the secret they announced before the first one was released it came out last year with none of the original cast with half the budget with the generic title of haunted Halloween well since I have your attention I might as well review this movie and since you're going to subscribe I might as well suck your click double review time double review time it's double review time now goosebumps two is a completely unnamed contributor a mysterious mystery man whose name rhymes with Zack smack that's right Jack Black is back but he's not in the advertising or in the posters or even in the end credits the only time you see him is in his brief appearance Midway and at the ends but as far as the movie is concerned he might as well be dead now initially I thought this was out some sense of shame but then I remember Jack Black proudly put himself in bumps gonna Gousha maybe Sony just wanted to play it right this time and not overhyped the movie - [ __ ] or maybe Jack Black wanted goosebumps - haunted Halloween's a speak for itself and not be overshadowed by his insane star power either way I have no idea why Jack Black wasn't in the marketing so here's a list of all the Bible reasons [Music] but is goosebumps to haunted Halloween any better or is it just another pig trough piece of [ __ ] to be spat on and resented by all now actually it's surprisingly better than the first one in essence it is the first one in a lot of ways but this time it has more interesting characters who discover things and go through arcs characters are actually kids instead of 26 year old indie rock artists pretending to be kids the dialogue and humor works better and it feels more respectful to the source material as it incorporates aspects of horror into its story the film opens with one of our protagonist Sarah Quinn she's toiling away at her computer desperately trying to write an essay about fear this essay is for her university application and the deadlines approaching fast but she's clearly having some problems some writer's block it seems she doesn't know how to get started with her essay welcome to Jamaica si corn corn corner everyone loves your michael's corn hole so Sarah looking at your word document I can't help but notice you haven't written any kind of plan or bullet points remember fail to plan plan to fail Sarah if you try to make it up as you go along you're gonna have a bad time I've just been so stuck on this essay you're making so [Applause] Sarah gets interrupted by an ominous figure her boyfriend Hey look a jump scare in the first couple of minutes is like this film is actually trying to be goosebumps goosebumps is back the goosebumps back its back Sara's mom interrupts the two lovebirds and look mama this is not what it looks like it no I know what it is I heard the entire thing do people not whisper anymore hey I brought Pringles and Red Bull you better be quiet cuz my mom will hear us Tyler go home the comedy is actually working a plus excellent work goosebumps two haunted Halloween team within the Films opening sequence we have jumped scares good comedy and a protagonist with a struggle to overcome this is much more reminiscent of goose bumps than goose bumps was later on Sara's boyfriend invites her to a DJ bizzle gig which she can't go to because he invited her on the day of the show and just froze it on her basically out of nowhere and your account is frozen damn and it's gonna cost you 40 bucks unfreeze it I just spent it on tickets for us to see DJ Biscay at the den tonight you have to come you can't say no this reminds me of the time I bought max tickets to see Michael McIntyre hey max I'm boy you Michael McIntyre tickets for tonight what do you have plans well yeah I'm really busy at the moment actually yeah but they've got your tickets or today would you mean I don't even like Michael McIntyre why did you get me tickets as a surprise a surprise answer your plan what I what time is it it's on in an hour hour we're gonna be late get your shoes on this is not a pleasant surprise at all you have to come you can't say no however Sara's quivering ovaries compel her to abandon her babysitting obligations and go anyway this here that she sees him with another girl this establishes early on that these characters can be her and that's that sense of tension and foreboding atmosphere that haunted Halloween attempts to build this contrast with the bubble gum weld that the characters inhabit in the first film it emphasizes truly how safe everyone was everything sorted itself out and no one went through any kind of hardships Sara was supposed to be babysitting her brother Sonny and his best friend Sam now unlike in the first film that just says the main characters are losers in this one they actually show the characters being losers we get to spend time with Sonny and Sam as hang out at school and at home playing video games together working on Sony's Tesla project who is weirdly into and we see them setting up their trash collecting business yeah that's right these kids run a trash collecting business trashes their blood trashes their life with this business they hope to find various treasures of a nondescript nature you see this character traits floors motivations there's no contrived love flaw and they're actually spending time at school it's not even like goose bumps to is doing anything particularly unbelievable this film isn't amazing but at least we're emotionally invested in the characters at least we're seeing their hobbies at the very least we actually hope for them to succeed which is more than what you can say about the first film ok I'm going on some boxes now their trash business is a perfect setup for a horror film for kids as they search through this old creepy dusty house they come across slappy the dummy aah once they find slappy the film becomes a pretty good adaptation of the goosebumps story as we see the sentient doll horror trope be implemented in full force see this is just one trope not ten and it works fine first they just think he's a pretty gnarly toy but then slap he uses his powers to get revenge on some of the bullies that have been tormenting our trash bros he then gives Sara's cheating boyfriend his comeuppance in this ten out of ten scene that's genuinely a little woo slappy is doing this because he now considers himself part of the Quinn family and is protective of his new brothers and sisters slappy is infantilized which makes his character all the more disturbing in the first film slappy is the main villain but his motivation is just that he's evil here's a couple of scenes but they all feel very OneNote he turns up people think he's a puppet and then he kills them in the sequel slappy has varied scenes with his character becoming more and more menacing as the film progresses this builds up - the kids trying to get rid of him but it doesn't quite work out for them he's locked in a suitcase there's no way that dummy's getting help strappy escapes have decides to imbue Halloween masks decorations and toys with life these Halloween monsters start to tear up the town and yeah just like I said he just does the first movie again but even though this feels like a retread of what happened in the first film is still executed much better the first film feels like a long chase scene with all the goosebumps monsters switching out like a relay race at least in the second one they give you some variation to keep you interested the action isn't so one no there's a playful sense of fun to the scene construction and the director airy sandal who made the Daath tries to imbue the scenes with tension so the first thing they do is try to get the book slappy came out to suck him back in but it was stolen by bullies so they go to the bully's house and his mom is sleeping on the couch so they've got to be quiet but Sam can't help himself and before leaving he sticks his mitts into a bowl of gummi bears oh [ __ ] the gummi bears have come alive oh [ __ ] Sam's getting swallowed by them we're gonna have a panic attack the way the gummies come together and slowly grow and then attack like the blob makes this seem way more inspired and entertaining than the [ __ ] gnomes from the first one so now they have the book and they start to use it like a weapon the ashram feels Pacey and the characters are being proactive then when the book gets taken they dress up as monsters to sneak past Halloween creatures Shaun of the Dead style which proves to be more efficient than just running away from them the whole movie this all culminates and our kids writing a story to suck all the monsters back in just like in the first film but again the secret proves itself to have more Penghu s-- the final set piece takes place in the Tesla Tower that Sonny was so obsessed with in the first act and he uses that knowledge to contribute to stopping slappy slappy also ups the stakes by turning the kids mum into a puppet which weirdly aroused me but I think it was supposed to be scary and then they even make Sarah to be the person to finish the story because you know she was struggling with writing at the start over the course of the film she must have got the confidence to write or something like a character arc she's not just making out with someone they saved the day in the bullies hug a stinky trash boys see even their friends even they went for a change Sarah has lost a boyfriend and has now got into University it's not just a return to status quo the characters have been through a journey in the first film everything just goes back to normal and no one learns anything all that happens is Stein starts to Fugs axon and Zack starts to [ __ ] Stein's daughter if that's it if the film was about sex that could have been a pre interesting type of conflict to explore but it's not it's about goosebumps and that's its problem it's only about goosebumps goosebumps too is about more than just goosebumps monsters there's a reason why slappy wants a family because the films about the family unit a bit I think there's a reason Sarah's writing an essay about fear at the beginning because the film is about confronting fear and stuff as well probably you know it's it has a human aspect to it it's why I'm trying to say you know an attempt was made it's got heart it wasn't a shameless cash-in our boys could have been written as generic nerdy kids but instead they made them with trash fanatics like I said it's not perfect it's still basically just a mediocre children's movie but it tries to make something which isn't the bare minimum unlike the first one the second film doesn't just Bank off the hope that you can recognize these various images from the Goosebumps franchise I mean it does a bear look at a poster they put the abominable snowman on there and the werewolf but they're hardly even there I mean in truth neither of these films are good goosebumps adaptations but the second film is at least more commendable but what even is a good goosebumps adaptation could it ever exist did they exist already in the 90s yes it did now I'm not gonna rag on this show phasers or anything but the goosebumps 90's children's TV show is where it's at goosebumps isn't even a children's TV show okay it's avant-garde are so realism at its finest goosebumps is one of those shows that is age like wine only getting better with the years simply because of how [ __ ] whack is don't believe me let's take a look at the opening title sequence first things first lit theme may be too late for a kids show but it doesn't matter because this is avant-garde our second things second you want to know what this dog is well I'll tell you what this dog is my hairiest adventure that's the episode he's from how does my hairiest adventure open the biggest pasty sure for 90's you could hope for a young boy running away from a pack of dogs underpinned by a totally radical voiceover I'd like to meet the guy who said dogs are a man's best friend only gets more whack from here as this kid slowly turns into a dog and his parents just nonchalantly grin at him and act like nothing's happening Oh dad something weirds happening I saw Lily I think she's a dog oh hi Larry didn't you hear me how was practice the twist was that he was always a dog and they just turned him into a human for a bit and now they've turned him back hello get a clue how about a steak but not just him all his friends are [ __ ] dogs too hey guys anyway mr. and mrs. Boyd came here to be part of dr. murkin's project he learned how to turn dogs in the humans and then the parents turn the cat into a human baby and adopt it and that's how it [ __ ] ends that's the dog from the intro that's his entire context mwah thank you for this I wasn't that familiar with the Goosebumps show so I naively trusted this IMDB user snakes free 99 to s my top 10 goosebumps episodes firstly there isn't even ten episodes on this list there's 18 that's right snakes I'm calling you out but just throw this list out the window and go for the episodes with the weirdest titles it came from under the sink a killer sponge monster this certainly ain't no spongebob stay out the basement another classic these kids aren't allowed in their dad's lab because he's doing experiments on plants he's a plant scientist but he's acting well weird when his kids call him out on it he's like eat this slop oh that's gross either you brat they investigate and it turns out their dad was actually an evil plan pretending to be their dad the whole time they murdered a plant impostor and celebrate their great success oh there's a twist ending now all the plants are also there dad I could help me I'm your father I'm your real father ha no that's how it ends it's avantgarde in' this certainly ain't no spongebob so goose bumps the goose bumps TV show wins the award for best goosebumps adaptation whoo well very good very very good you answered 90s goosebumps basically what it comes down to is that the goosebumps TV show isn't afraid to be properly wacky it aspires to have endings which can be genuinely uncomfortable it tries to be scary and even though it's cheap and pretty rocky this roughness only adds to its charm the reason the goosebumps TV show is easier to appreciate and more fun to get behind is because it feels like the only adaptation that is wholly committed to embodying the point of the goosebumps franchise because the movies the first one more than any of them treat is audience like chumps and if you think young kids are chumps then get off my property because I don't the reason that the first film is lacking in almost everything is because it patronizes its audience base with its generic tropes its basic [ __ ] CGI monsters and a love pop with a pixie chick who is such a stereotype that she's a fictional character even in the world of the movie the second film was made with a passion for the horror genre and its source material even ending with a cute little cliffhanger that will probably never be resolved but sadly I can't say that haunted Halloween pushed the bar far enough it didn't capture the unique sense of surreal horror and fun that comes with the goosebumps name but the TV show made by fought on a radically low budget doesn't give a [ __ ] it takes it so far though it becomes incomparable it brings all these crazy concepts to the table and turns suburban life into a chaotic gothic nightmare which can be genuinely enjoyed by basically anyone not just kids and that's how despite its many many shortcomings it's the only way to watch goosebumps and not be treated like a chump but what do you think about goosebumps let me know down below make sure to like this video and subscribe if you did enjoy me bursting my boils all over the screen for you but whilst I've got you how would you feel about wearing my puss where the nitpicks labs have found a way to make Joe Michaels juice into cotton and with that high-end fancy comfy cotton we've made beautiful graphic tees and jumpers remember that short Genie cutaway yeah that was random and uncomfortable well now you can have it on a t-shirt or jumper at a reasonable price this is an independent production and supports the channel directly no evil mass corporations to be seen here just two lonely men who live together and as a one-time offer only every purchase made off the link in this video comes with your very own haunting you could get a ghost that vomits on you constantly a spirit that has an affair with your father or you could even be turns into a gross stinky lump on my body so act now to live your very own goose bumps experience at nitpick storko dot uk' also if you'd like to him.the nitpicks boys take on the very own dog themed creepy story then you might be interested in checking out our podcast bleeding on the page we've done an episode called the black dog which features a short monologue we've written thank you so much for watching the video and also like to thank my amazing patreon see you guys later toodle-pip

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Views: 104,098

Rating: 4.8893466 out of 5

Keywords: Goosebumps, Nit Pix, NitPix, Goosebumps 2015, Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween, Haunted Halloween, Stine, R.L Stine, Horror, Childrens Books, Slappy The Dummy, Goosebumps 2018, Film Review, Review, Video Essay, Funny, Fail, Why It Sucks, The Worst, Where It Went Wrong, The Problem With, I Hate, Bad Movie, Netflix, Jack Black, Dylan Minnette, Clay Jenson, The Issue With, Criticism, Is Goosebumps For Chumps?, 90s TV, Scary, Sony

Id: 1z61z0exXFk

Length: 30min 40sec (1840 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 22 2019