INCREDIBLE Recovery story | How Jemimah recovered from Depersonalization, Derealization & Anxiety

hi guys hi everyone watching today um I just kind of wanted to do a quick introduction before I show you today's interview with Jemima one of my recovered clients from dpdr that honestly has such a beautiful um recovery story such a beautiful message to share I'm so proud of her and I cannot wait for you guys to hear the value that I'm about to share or that she's about to share with you um so yeah today's interview turned out a bit longer than the other ones but I want to encourage you to watch the entire thing Jemima is going to go into a lot of her experience with dpdr which I know is on the one hand sometimes can be a bit difficult to hear because obviously she's gonna share about her symptoms and what she went through but I want you to hear her story from a perspective knowing that she is completely recovered that she's doing really well and staying tuned for the last I guess half of the video where she's gonna show you all about her um like tips and what helped her and the mindset that she like adopted for her to be able to recover one thing that she still asked of me to share that she felt like she kind of forgot to mention in the end was how much much importance she values on the relationship that you build with yourself and that she really had to learn to rely on herself to get herself out of it which is something that she talks a little bit about but she still wanted to kind of stress on how important that was for her so feel free after this interview to ask her questions in the comments she'll be there to answer them for you and um yeah I hope you guys really enjoyed this uh this recovery story all right so first of all how are you yeah everything else I've been like quite busy recently but that's a good thing because I haven't been able to do a lot of stuff for a long time I'm a photographer so I work um for a jewelry company and I do photography for them and social media and things like that so relaxed mainly yeah yeah did you find it like difficult to maintain that work when you were kind of going through dpdr and how is that like now that you're kind of coming out of it and being recovered yeah so I didn't work for most of it really I just did like freelance work here and there which was a massive blessing because that meant I could work whenever I felt able to um but I did do a lot of work so yeah now feeling like I have the capacity to do what I love and do work is like amazing I just appreciate it so much more so yeah and you're really good at what you do I'm gonna link your Instagram for everyone to see your beautiful pictures that you take so it's nice that you know the world has your blessing of being fully present back so you can get ragged and bring what you do best for the people obviously that don't know you and your story um I personally think that you're one of the most incredible people I've ever worked with and just how quickly you were able to turn your situation around and how you went from being in such a dark place to being where you are now obviously shining bright like the sun and just you're happy and and lovely self again um so why don't you just share a little bit about you know your experience struggling with dpdr like when it started how long you've had it like what your symptoms were and just kind of giving people um an idea of what it was exactly that you were really struggling with yes so it's a bit of a long story um because it's been two years in total um but essentially I um started with depression so I was already um really depressed before I got dpdr so I was sort of at a point where I thought I was Rock Bottom already um and I just thought I can't get any worse than this like I'd never been depressed in my life and I became depressed very quickly all of a sudden so it was very weird to me and it was it felt really extreme so I just thought it can't get any worse than these feelings like it was it was scaring me so much already um but essentially um I got dpdr very quickly um because I I've heard a lot of people say that they have like DP darks or gradually like they start getting symptoms and they don't really know what it is they're sort of Googling here and there um but for me like it was quite literally overnight like um I went to sleep one night and then literally the next morning I woke up and um like couldn't recognize my house I couldn't recognize my parents um like my my clothes and my wardrobe didn't feel like mine um I got I had like a package come through the post that said like my name on it in my dress and I just was like oh my gosh like that does not feel like me like I was looking at photos on the wall of myself and I was like who is that person like um it was so scary because it was so sudden and I just had no idea what was happening I was convinced I was losing my mind and because I'd had this depression that was also came on quite quick I I sort of already had that fear of kind of like losing my mind and like that my mind was out of control so suddenly having this where it really did feel like my mind was out of control I was just at to that point I was absolutely convinced I was something was seriously wrong um so that kind of intense dpdr lasted for like five days um but during that time I was like throwing up I was so scared I couldn't sleep I was it was just like the most terrifying five days of my life probably um and but I was also actually on medication as well at this point so it was quite difficult to know I thought it was the medication to be fair so I came off the medication and then the symptoms kind of like went slowly so I was like oh okay like you know that must have been a medication that was fine but it was it I just I know I knew that I'd had an experience that was going to stay with me because I just was like after even after it gone I just was like what uh just happened like I didn't even know you could experience anything like that um so I was kind of terrified of the after effects of that um so then I was still struggling with mental health I still struggling with depression and things like that um and then dpdr kind of came back gradually after that um so the following months I started to feel more and more depersonalized then that's probably five months after this or four months after this I think I then had a really really bad panic attack that lasted like two hours um and that set off the dpdr really really bad from then for like another year basically so it's kind of like two years in total but yeah um I'd had that from that panic attack it was like everything came back and um yeah that's when the whole like nightmare kind of started of it being chronic as well like no episodes or anything this was like a chronic state in my mind 24 7. and that's what I found really hard as well because I saw other people online talk about like when they would dissociate and I was like I don't dissociate like I am just dissociate like I just feel like I'm in this other realm and like I can't come out of it so I was almost like jealous of people that would talk about these episodes where they dissociated because I was like oh like it's just not like that for me and like why isn't it like that for me and there was a lot of like fear when I would like compare myself to other people because I felt like other people didn't have the same symptoms it didn't feel quite the same um but I think it's interesting because I feel like there's a very good thing and a very bad thing about that where people that get breaks from it can see that that it's possible for them to not have it um but at the other hand the moment that someone that is experiencing it chronically starts to feel differently then they'll be more likely to really take that seriously where someone that is having breaks all the time will probably always have this lingering fear of like but you know like it's probably gonna come back whereas for you maybe it felt a bit more authentic of like oh and finally starting to feel differently like I'm finally starting to get relief or get started to go down and that kind of makes you feel more hopeful and um to come yeah and I think because it was so bad and so extreme it was like I had I had so much determination to come out a bit like they're coming not coming out of it wasn't an option for me whereas I think maybe if I just have this it just had the symptom of like feeling a bit spaced out feeling a bit weird I think maybe I would have been like oh I can just deal with it like it's fine but I I was so I was like forced to get better basically because it was so bad and I think also something that you said to me was that you noticed that like my case was sort of a bit maybe a bit worse than other people that you've seen and that was almost like reassuring for me because when I would compare myself to people online talking about their story I was like okay why don't they have this symptom that I have or what why are they not talking about it like I've had it and I genuinely thought I've got like a certain type that you can't recover from I've got like the worst type and I think everyone says that they think they've got the type that you can't recover from um but it was like kind of reassuring for you to be like no you have just got a really bad case of dpdr yeah it's super subjective as well like I um it's something you can't really Rank and yeah thing is too I I don't put any labels on the connection between how long you've had it or how intense it is and your ability to recover because you obviously are someone that really had a really strong recovery and you're just because of your own input and how determined you were and how quickly you just kind of turn things around for yourself and you were really like in a very intense um dpdr experience where other people like you say might sometimes have breaks or just kind of have it more mildly so there's also no um to the people watching I mean we have the same kind of idea like jemimov my case is worse than anyone's like that's no excuse because he had a really bad case of it she like couldn't recognize her family at a point and and could not recognize herself or anything and um she's sitting here now a few months later and like putting out the proof of it so what were your symptoms like if you could describe it all like kind of what you went through I know it's difficult but everyone that's watching probably also can relate so yeah like what were your symptoms what exactly did your DVR feel like or look like for you so yeah so I wrote a long list because there's so many and I really wanted to say as many as I could because I wanna for anyone watching I want you like if you have a symptom that you think people don't have like I want to be able to say all of them because when I was watching recovery videos I was like please mention the symptoms yeah I'm just gonna go I mean there's so many but obviously um but yeah just as like an overview um so my surroundings didn't feel real um I felt like I was living in a fake world I felt like I was living a dream um I felt like I couldn't control my actions properly or talk to people properly like I sort of felt like I was watching myself do it but like I wasn't fully in control and I was I remember being so terrified that I was going to randomly say something or do something that I wasn't in control of um people around me like didn't feel real like especially when I was in crowds I remember being in London once like around a really touristy bit and I was so overwhelmed I was just looking at all these people I was like how can so many people exist in like one space and it was like everyone was robots and I was like watching People's like interactions as if I was watching a film you know people like talking in the background I was like are they actually real like it was it was so scary like being anywhere in public was so triggering um yeah I felt like I was watching everything but I wasn't in it um yeah my family felt like complete strangers like um even when I would look at photos of them um I it was like I knew who they were but like I just I was like I don't know these people um and that was I mean by far the worst symptom because that's like you know the most important thing in life is like your relationships with people so um that was like just so horrible it was so awful um yeah and then because yeah because I'd had such a bad experience with like feeling like my family weren't real like I didn't know them I remember like I couldn't watch anything any films to do with families I remember watching like chief of other dozen and like I couldn't watch it because obviously it's all about family and like it I had so many intrusive thoughts I was like you know I just like such weird thoughts about like families and like relationships and just stuff like that um um yeah so same thing with my house um couldn't like recognize my house even though that was the house that I'd grown up in my whole life um just felt really weird I felt like I had no connection towards it um and I actually couldn't um I couldn't go home for a year um because it was so triggering going home so every time I came back I had to like meet my parents outside of the house I couldn't like go back in the house every time I'd go back in the house I would dissociate so badly um and obviously it's like all the intrusive thoughts as well were so horrible because I was constantly checking like I would look at every photo of myself on the wall and be like is that definitely me like I would definitely recognize myself like do I definitely feel like this is my house like do I def it was just like so torturing having these thoughts all the time I just like I just couldn't deal with it that's the same for like my hometown and like places didn't feel real like I'd think about a place and I was like is that actually a real place or is that just something I've like made up in my head and um yeah so coming back to like my hometown was like very triggering like the concept of the world and the concept of space and I think a lot of people have these kind of existential fears um but I couldn't watch any like nature programs I couldn't talk about anything like that um because I just everything just felt like that that can't be true like that can't be real um and it wasn't even it wasn't even just like it was a bit weird to me it was like actually terrifying like when I would think about it it would almost send me into a panic attack because I just thought that can't be real and um everything just felt so scary like things that weren't scary it just felt absolutely terrifying I had such a weird Fierce and such weird thoughts um like like I remember looking at the sky and like I'm sure loads of people have had this I was like I can't believe the sky is blue and that it's like never gonna change color like it's always going to be blue my whole life and they're really scared me I'm just like oh my gosh like this guy's always going to be blue like and like why is the sky blue like why is it that specific color and like just really normal things I was just thinking about them in like a whole new way and getting really scared by them um I had a I had a session with someone yesterday and she had a similar symptom and I asked her like okay well let me give you the creative wand of Freedom like you can choose whatever color in your case like whatever color this guy is like would you change it and she's like well no and that's what you think because you realize like the problem isn't live because if you actually got to be able to change anything no you wouldn't touch anything because you're also afraid of things changing in a way so um it's funny how your mind your mind just latches on to to things that and and calls it a problem when you know if you've got the freedom to change it you probably wouldn't it's just this hyper fixation on everything yeah and I think I had to like remind myself in those moments like Jamaica it's not the world hasn't changed it's your brain like because I just thought why is everything you felt like everything was changing and everything was different but it was like you know nothing's changed in the world everything's the same as it was it's just my brain like I just need to focus on that going back to normal so that was I just had to like remind myself of that because I was like if I can go through my whole life know all these things I'm pretty sure I can go back to knowing them and being okay with it um so yeah same sort of thing like Society like I was like questioning why we do things in society like just really like thinking about such simple things but feeling like they were just really weird um so yeah I had times where I felt like um my whole personality was just lost like if somebody just felt like I was a body like I was just like living in a body but I had no personality I had no like inner kind of I don't know I can like connect with myself like who I actually was what I actually thought I couldn't remember what my opinions were about things sometimes or like my whole sense of self was just off and um I also had like really I had it really bad at night like do you feel it was like sometimes really awful at night I don't know why but like I would wake up in the middle of the night and just like sometimes I would lie there and just think like I feel like there is nothing in me like there's nothing going on in me like I just felt like I was a body and that would just send me into like a panic and yeah so I would I would like wake up in the night a lot because I was also like obviously really anxious so I couldn't sleep and then in the night I feel like your thoughts are always just a bit weird at night time so that was terrifying like waking up in the middle of the night and then just feeling like that again about everything not being real I was like where like sometimes I wouldn't know where I was when I woke up in the night um yeah so it was really scary um all of my memories felt like they weren't me um so yeah I would like look back at photos and look back at stuff that I did and it was like I knew it was me because I could obviously remember it like I could remember that I did that and like I know that was me but it didn't feel like me at all like I felt like it was some other person like in a past life like everything before dpdr just felt like a past life that's the only way that I could describe it um I felt really like not connected to that version of myself and I'd like look back at photos and think like oh I can't believe I did that like did I actually do that like was that actually mean like do I definitely remember being in that place like I just yeah it was so scary and I just I just didn't think I would ever feel or like connected to that again like you just think it's permanent you just feel like it's you're stuck like that and it's um yeah that was horrible um yeah just convinced that I was going insane for the whole time like I don't think I ever thought like oh you know this is just dpdr and like you know I'll probably get better and it's just this or like I didn't think that like I was absolutely 100 convinced that there was something wrong with me um I when I had panic attacks I felt like I was literally going insane and I thought that I'd have to go to a mental hospital I thought I'd end up in hospital um and like it sounds like I'm being really dramatic and everything but like you won that almost on my clients have like the fields you know the almost like thought of like this is where I will end up like the the fear of that something very I think a lot of people watching will probably relate to that yeah um yeah I was I was convinced that I was going like it's just so weird how no one could have said anything to me to make me think that I was normal like the thoughts I was having like on it as well I think what what else I had is like because because obviously dpdr essentially like the association is the freeze response my panic attacks didn't look like the fight or flight panic attacks that you know you hear about that's like what most people have of like the whole hyperventilating and you know like can't breathe um like my panic attack I didn't even realize they were panic attacks because they weren't like that and I would basically completely dissociate like so badly and I like the thoughts I would have would be like racing through on my mind I've had like a thousand thoughts a minute um and yeah and and basically just felt like I was going insane like I was sort of like spiraling um but I wasn't like if someone was looking at me they wouldn't think I was having a panic attack but in my mind I was like going crazy so that was really weird because I I was like what what is going on and I realized that oh that also is a panic attack but it just didn't look like one because it was almost like a freeze panic attack um so yeah in the in those panic attacks I was like yeah convinced that I was I have to go to hospital and like I almost had to like accept it I remember like get coming to a point where I was like okay if I if I like go into mental hospital then then I then I'll be in hospital and like you know I'll just have to have treatment and hopefully I'll make it through like I just literally got to a place I was like okay if that happens that happens like um because um like if you think about that worst clinics like that worst case scenario happening like it's not that bad to be an amazing also like they could help you there probably well with DPR you never know because it's such a foreign topic still but um it's good to kind of like counter that idea and actually go into it and say like okay well if I go crazy then I'm probably the best care possible being in a mental health hospital you know yeah and um and I would say yeah I think I think because I'd or I I mean I felt like I was at a complete Rock Bottom anyway so I thought if I go to hospital then you know I can't really it's not going to make much difference I'm already kind of there like I don't know um oh yeah so so with the whole thing of like questioning everything um I felt like I basically felt like I was viewing everything for the first time or like seeing everything for the first time um as if I was like an alien like coming to Earth and like seeing everything for the first time and then being like oh why why is that like that or whatever and I remember quite early on like when I was having the symptoms and not knowing what it was I was like sat at the doctors and um he was like you know asked me about or I was feeling whatever and then I was like I just feel like I'm I'm seeing everything for the first time and I think he was just like okay I typing it on his computer but like clearly it was like what like and he didn't obviously say anything about Association like you just it's just like people don't really know what you're talking about so that was like really not reassuring when someone's listening to you talk about your symptoms I think that's part of why people get the fear of going crazy because you know if it weren't so reassuring for example I'm imagining a lot of people watching this going like oh my goodness this is exactly how I feel or I really relate to this which then makes you feel like not alone or not not going crazy whereas if you're sitting at a doctor's office or in a hospital describing your symptoms and they're just kind of going like oh yeah then you're going crazy because they don't understand and they can't you can't blame people that don't understand because it is something that you almost have to like really have experienced yourself to even begin to like understand what it feels like so it's normal that you know Doctor Who Physicians can't really grasp the concept but sitting there already feeling completely out of it explaining to someone that you see as an authority figure that will help you kind of going like okay it's like the worst feeling in the world yeah and it just made it so much worse because then I was like okay this really is bad like if the doctor is like not understanding what I'm saying like I think yeah and and I think like if I didn't have the internet like if I'd had this like you know way better way before the internet or whatever I just think oh my gosh I don't know how like I dread to even think about it because I think it's the only the only reason that I've gotten through this is because I was able to look it up and research and then obviously find you which has been like life-saving um so yeah it's it is a bit scary how a lot of people in those kind of positions in like mental health and um don't yeah some of them don't even understand it or know what it is and I think I've I feel really passionate about making it like just like making more Awareness on it because it's so many people so many people are suffering with it and yet so many people in those positions like still haven't really heard of it and I I think like you say like if you haven't been through it you don't really understand you don't really get it like it is one of those things where like if you've been through it you totally get it but if you haven't it's hard to help someone and I did have a therapist um like in that like last year for a few months um and she kind of um like had dissociation on like one of the things that she helps with but I think honestly it didn't help me I think it probably maybe maybe worse I don't know um because she yeah obviously hadn't experienced it herself so I just felt like when I would talk to her she wasn't kind of giving me that like reassurance or anything like she was she was saying certain things but um it was not at all like the help I needed and then another thing that was really scary is that she mentioned she was talking about like medication because sometimes people mention like medication for dpdr and then she was like talking about going on antipsychotics and things like that and thankfully I was like no like I'm not I'm not going on medication but it's quite I think it is quite scary when someone's suggesting that to you because you think oh does that mean I'm psychotic like does that mean there must be something wrong yeah yeah I don't I think I literally heard another client talk about that this week of like someone describing like prescribing them as a psychotics and it just kind of completely freaking them out but yeah I think everything you're saying is making a lot of sense um to a lot of people and I like that you are taking the time to kind of really go into the symptoms because I tend to like really focus these interviews on kind of the recovery process and getting out of it but I think that being understood in your symptoms and seeing that someone that has been recovered had felt exactly what you're feeling and you know you're not going crazy and that is actually also really reassuring so um yeah because I think I just I just remember feeling like I wanted someone who had recovered to describe the symptoms that I'd had especially with not recognizing people and things like that because that was the one that I thought helmet ever like I feel like I'm never gonna be able to like heal from this another thing that was that was really really hard along with the um kind of like not feeling connected to people um was like that sense of love for people like I just couldn't connect with feeling like I loved the people that were close to me and that was so awful and like I honestly do think that for me it was the worst part of of dpdr because I think feeling spaced out feeling like you're having all these weird thoughts or whatever that is awful but it's not kind of like hitting at your values or like hitting at kind of like the really cool things like close to your heart so um yeah feeling like I couldn't really connect with people um like feel that love for people like I just felt so numb like I think that was probably what contributed to like feeling suicidal when I had bpdr because I just thought like what is the point of like being alive if I can't be connected to the people closest to me like that that to me is like the most important thing of life is like you know who who is who we share life with um so that was that was just horrible not and I I also felt like I was like playing a role and I felt like I was being fake like when I was with people and like kind of like chatting or like hugging people like I just I just felt like this has not been authentic I'm not feel like I'm being authentic like I'm just playing a role of myself but not being myself and that was that was made it so hard to spend time with people that was just so horrible and obviously when you're in that you can't also tell that to someone you can't really say oh by the way like I just feel like I don't really love you but it's just not true like I knew it wasn't true but like I just you can't you can't say to someone like oh I feel like I don't really recognize you right now like I feel like I don't really know you because if ever I spoke about it or like that's why I didn't speak about it because as soon as I would speak about it I would panic because I was like oh my gosh this is real and then I would dissociate even even more like talking about Association making me dissociate so I just couldn't talk so that's why I was so isolating as well because you just feel like no one is understanding this like I can't even tell because like usually when you're struggling with something you can like open up to close your super like look I'm really like going through this and then you feel supported but I feel like this is one thing where you can't really get that same level of support because no like no one can really understand that experience if they haven't been through it it's such a it's such an experience that you never think you're going to go through as a as a human like you don't expect to go through something like that in life like you know you think oh maybe I'll go through grief or loss or like all these like illness all these things but you never think that like oh maybe I'll wake up one day and I don't recognize people or not you know I mean you don't ever think that's gonna happen so it's equal it's like impossible to explain it to someone because they just think like what like what are you talking about so that was so nice I felt so isolated in the whole process and then um I'll just mention as well like never feeling safe um was a huge one and I think yeah for two years like um I just I never ever felt safe like constantly I think living in that constant state is is so exhausting and so draining that even when you're in a safe environment and even when you're doing something that you would normally find really comforting like for me like it would be like you know sitting at home on the sofa like watching like a throwback film or something like that was my like always my say thing or like you know doing something really lovely nothing I did I could relax and enjoy I couldn't enjoy anything I felt so on edge all the time I felt like I was unsafe I just I just felt like something was bad was about to happen all the time now on the other side of it like I have such an appreciation for like the small things that that bring me joy and just being able to actually relax is like oh my gosh it's it's amazing yeah what was the moment that you you felt like things were starting to turn around and what do you feel like was enabling that to happen within you like what changed and can you just kind of walk like the people watching this through through that for you yeah so um I mean it was definitely when I started to work with you and I'm not just saying that for the video no this is 100 coming from me um no but honestly like I yeah I mean I had I really didn't have any hope and I I think because for so long I didn't actually believe that I could recover I was so unsure about whether it was even possible so I think the first step for me was like seeing that oh this actually is possible and like there's nothing wrong with my brain so essentially I can actually heal myself like I don't need to kind of like there's nothing kind of permanent going on sort of thing um and I think starting work with you like obviously because you've been through it that was like incredible in itself because it was like someone who'd literally been through it and then was living like in Freedom and living a life without it um so that gave me hope just in itself and also I think it was so amazing the attitude that you had for me was like it wasn't like if you recover it was like when you recover like I knew that my work with you was so that you could help me actually recover and get to the end it wasn't like oh I'm just gonna kind of be there along the way and like you know maybe it was like I felt so confident that you had confidence in me that I could recover and that you sort of like knew that it was 100 possible so I just I just immediately had so much more hope that that when I was having sessions with you because I was like this isn't actually as far off as I think um and I think like with my other therapist before she wasn't like that at all like she she never actually like reassured me that I could even recover like it was like sort of it was a whole different attitude so I think yeah um having that was like incredible and I think also I learned a lot like you taught me a lot about the brain and I realized that I believe stuff about my brain that just like was not true um and like I honestly thought that like my brain was this separate entity that would kind of like just randomly do things with without without my permission and like my brain could make me just feel because like because I had felt like that the last two years I felt like my brain had been like okay now we're gonna feel like this now we're gonna feel like that and you do feel so out of control and then I remember yeah what you said to me how you were like your brain is literally just an information processor so whatever you feed it it that's how it's going to operate so if you are feeding it fair if you're telling yourself you're not safe your brain's going to then operate like you are constantly under threat and like you can choose what you feed your brain and you can choose what you tell it and I mean honestly I think that alone was like so key in my recovery I had no idea that that was the case and I just felt so much more in control and I was like oh I can actually change things for myself like my brain's not just gonna take control now um so I think learning so much through you um was like a massive Turning Point working with you like I think I said a couple of times that it feels like a boot camp a little bit like it felt like you know we're we're doing this it felt like a full-time job honestly and I think I really was in that state of like my whole life right now is all about healing and you know every day I was I was working hard like you know and my mind just constantly working and um I think you kind of have to be in a space where you have the capacity to even feel safe enough to put time into that so I think just shifting things around in my life and getting more capacity to recover um was really good and then like you said it kind of it was weird because I'd had it for like a year and a half two years and then the actual recovery sort of was kind of quite short in comparison to that um but I honestly it's it's literally from having sessions with you and everything that you taught me and everything that like all the tools and everything I think it just gave me back so much control and then like just learning to feel safe in my body um learning to feel safely Within Myself was like huge and I don't know I think it took a while and then it just kind of clicked and then I was like oh like I could actually control my inner experience it's funny because I don't even do that much I feel like most of what I do is I let you see that you can actually do it yourself by you know giving you tools and and things that you know make you feel a bit more in charge but I feel like you're your switch the moment you realize like wait a minute this is because of what I am like feeding myself in terms of yeah emotions I might where I put my focus and the story I tell myself and you know like the the emotions I follow on a daily basis that's when you really started to shift really quickly and that's why what I meant with um I've made videos in the past about this as well and like things I can see in people when I know like okay now they're gonna recover very quickly it's when they make that shift of like I'm in control here I'm gonna take power I'm gonna be in charge of what information I feed myself and um and then even someone that has had it for two years chronically can recover in a couple of months just when they take that power back which is to to witness as well as someone like watching you in your journey was so I teared up so not so often in sessions like when you made that because I was like oh and she's doing it honestly and if I honestly think like what you taught me was like I can't even describe the value of what you taught me and how that is like that is like lesson that's like stuff that you need for life like it wasn't I think I thought oh this is just for DPR like this is just for sort of like recovering this for this thing but the stuff you've taught me is almost like kind of what I needed to like know my whole life like what needed to to hear my whole life because I didn't I think I recognized like I had a lot of like unhealthy kind of patterns before this like even like years ago like when I'd have anxiety like I didn't realize what I was actually like telling my brain and also I didn't realize how much I was letting my brain kind of dictate how I felt and what I thought about what was real and everything so I think yeah the the stuff that you've taught me is just so value for like my whole life like it's just changed how I just see my mind and like just anxiety and um it is it's so incredible and I just I just think I don't know what I would have do what I would have done if I hadn't have found you because yeah I just feel like you really did give me those tools and teach me and I thought I had to make that decision and I think that's you noticed me like when I finally made that kind of choice but that's what's so amazing because I think it's so different to like normal therapy which is just a lot about talking a lot about processing things but I think you are like almost you are more of a coach I think of like I'm gonna give you this I'm going to give you that if you do this every day you know you've got it's like you're sort of empowering people to make that choice and decide and I think yeah I did get to a point where I was like I have to I have to choose this and um one of the things that was also really impactful was um that I can't remember what it was called but it was that graph of like Consciousness or something yeah and that I remember that being it was like all the good things that lead to like Enlightenment and Recovery was like the top path and then it was like the bottom half of just going down into depression and that first step to get there I remember you saying like you don't just try and get to like the perfect stage of like everything's amazing there's steps and the first one was acceptance yeah oh yeah yeah yeah and it took me yeah it took me so so long to accept that this was my relatives this had actually happened to me this was my life now I was so fighting it for so long I just I was so angry I just wanted to go back and I couldn't accept it it was reality but yeah I had to like force myself to come into acceptance otherwise I wasn't going to move forward and I remember you saying that you're you're literally going to be stuck in the same place like you have to accept that this is um this is your reality now and you can choose to make it better and then I was like okay but like actually doing it it was like yeah I'm just like oh that's always going to be the better option is accepting and not fighting and you need time to get to that point as well because I think I talk about acceptance like from the first session and every video but every person has a different journey of getting to that place because there's a lot of like it's very scary to accept something that feels unacceptable and sometimes it's a reassurance that you need sometimes you have to work on deeper patterns or maybe like the gifts that you have that are blocking that but um once you get to that place things can like start going rather like more quickly which is what you're a really great example of like what are some of the Practical other things that helped you in yeah like your recovery process yeah so I think I've sort of like um written three things down which I think kind of encapsulates recovery for me um so the first one was kind of what I've already mentioned was like the work I've done with you so really learning about the brain and actually like reframing my beliefs about the brain and about the body and about like dpdr as a whole and kind of learning what was true and what wasn't and kind of um understanding it I guess understanding um and then the second one um was like sort of a bit of exposure therapy um so facing triggers but not so not kind of going all in to the point where you I would get overwhelmed and panicked and kind of dissociate even more like I had to um really do like a bit at a time um so for me it was like going back home seeing family and stuff was like hugely triggering but I just did it um in small stages and naturally my brain started to realize that those things weren't dangerous anymore so but that was really hard like I think it sounds really easy like oh you just kind of just do it a bit at a time but it was it was so I had to force myself so many times to do things that I was terrified of um but yeah obviously it got to a point where my brain saw the same thing and was like oh this isn't scary anymore when I used to be like terrified of things so I think it's it's like doing those things that you're avoiding um but like don't yeah don't go like all in and try and do all at once I think definitely kind of do do it in stages but don't kind of give up on that because if you kind of never face those things obviously you're gonna stay in the same place so um yeah and then and I guess I guess maybe you could do it for like being in crowds or anything that's triggering because it's different for everyone um but then also if you have like the dpdr thoughts um and feelings it's like learning that they're not dangerous and it's not harmful so you're able to be in the situation with the thoughts with the feelings and knowing that they're just trying to protect you at the end of the day so accepting it not being fearful of it and then over time obviously and that changes um and then the third thing um was restoring safety like back into my body and and managing anxiety so um for me that looked like well doing safe space visualization was like amazing um that was so good and then doing like just a lot of nature walks but just being really like intentional with like my time and and um just being outside and um doing Yin Yoga is like amazing because that's just like really restorative really slow and I think I also like had to reframe how I saw exercise because I think for many years I've always seen exercises like that's to sort of like look a certain way or like to achieve some sort of goal but I decided that like I'm gonna do yoga I'm gonna do these things but it's not at all linked to like my appearance or trying to get fit or anything it was like I was moving my body just purely for the intention of restoring safety back into my body and seeing my body in a different like I'm not seeing it in that way I'm seeing it in a way of like I need to care for it and um so yeah definitely like the physical side of things was so powerful just feeling safe um so I think those three things yeah kind of like a combination of those and also it reinforce each other because like the exposure therapy is good if you also have a safety within you that you can fall back exactly or therapist to talk to you you know so I think it's a good triangle like situation going on like having different things that work really well together um I'm sorry I was just going to say like I think they all had to align and I think for a while I was maybe like you say doing the exposure therapy without feeling that knowing that having the tools to feel safe in my body so then that wasn't really working and then like I would try and do that and but then I think it all kind of aligned at the same time and then that's why my recovery felt kind of quick I think just because everything I'd been doing suddenly came together so that's beautiful if you had to like say in one sentence or like one or two sentences like what is the most important thing in the PBR recovery I know it's personal and I don't want people to latch on to this too much which is what you tend to do but like how would you just in one core idea describe what is most important in the video recovery I think it is um I think it is exploring and understanding and taking time to um really learn and find out what it is like why you have dpdr um because I think I spent a lot of time you know fighting reality and and I spent a lot of time angry because I was like this is not my fault you know this has happened to me and it was like victim mentality and um you know this should have never happened to me and this is like scarred me for life and all this stuff and um yeah and I think changing that and and actually and it's a and it's a lot about you know caring for the inner child as well like you know what is it that minor child or like the the enemy is actually terrified of when I realized that that whole experience of me getting ill very quickly and all of that like I realized that that was such a scary terrifying experience for me and so obviously I'm gonna be scared and I'm gonna be stuck in this scared state that is that is why I'm dissociating and why I have this video are um and so it's like there's a need there that that needs to be met so I think it's totally reframe how you CDP I mean I literally thought like you know my brain is against me you know this this thing is trying to control my life it's trying to ruin my life you know I was really seeing it like that and I think when I kind of shifted it more to okay what is this what is this thing trying to get my attention um like yeah why is it trying to get my attention like what is it trying to what is the need that I need to fill um and essentially I mean it is it is safety it's feeling safe and and so many times when I got triggered like when I was going through this recovery and I learned about this when I would then get triggered um or dissociate or whatever I would see it as like my inner child just being like I'm really scared like and and like I just need to feel safe right now like I'm really terrified and I would think about myself two years ago when I was in that place of being absolutely terrified and then I would suddenly have like compassion and I'd suddenly be like oh my gosh like okay I just need to take some time for you right now like this is you know dpdr is essentially you know complete overwhelm in in your body in your mind and it's like almost screaming at you and saying like you know can't please like please I need to feel safe like I can't cope so I think seeing it like that it just it just creates so much more of a peaceful experience because it's like oh okay like I can I have control to to heal this part of myself um and yes I think it's I think it's definitely just um changing how you see it and compassion is is so powerful I mean I for the last two years I've had an alarm go off on my phone not like a loud alarm just a little reminder every hour with like an affirmation and it would say like you know you're going to live to see your healing like don't give up you're doing amazing like I'd have that come up on my phone like all day because I needed I like had to have such a strong relationship with myself because no one else was going to save me no one else was going to help me you know like this was my thing and I I could not give up on myself in this process so I think it's really like forming that relationship with yourself and almost promising yourself like I'm never gonna give up like on this like I'm gonna I'm gonna work so hard to recover because this is you know clearly something in me that needs safety and healing and peace so um yeah definitely creating more of a yeah it's like a peaceful thing it's not a conflict thing um I don't know if I've explained that well but yeah definitely 100 like the final question I have for you and what I I guess is what people are also like looking to hear about is how you are today and how you're feeling and I guess how to look back on this entire Journey today yeah yeah so yeah it's funny because like when I would watch these recovery videos and they would talk about this I was just like oh Am I Ever Gonna feel like that so it's like amazing actually being on the other side of it like it's it is so surreal but um yeah I I would just say that like I have such a gratitude and I know I mentioned it before but um yeah I honestly do not take anything for granted at all like the the most simple things in life suddenly feel so beautiful so amazing so lovely and um I just yeah it's so sweet like life just feels so sweet and um I just yeah I just have such a different perspective and I feel like I'm very I'm very like easily pleased now like I can be so content doing like the tiniest smallest simple thing because I know what it's like to not be able to enjoy anything um and every every day feel like I'm trapped in the nightmare like I know what that feels like so to not have that is is just crazy like I feel like I've been given like the biggest gift um yeah I just appreciate everything um and I feel um like just in this process of like you know creating safety Within Myself and trusting myself and all of this like I feel like there is I just have such a stronger relationship with myself and I and I almost feel like you know anything that I go through now um I feel like I'm gonna be um approaching it in just such a different way and I think yeah I've built up just all these tools and the strength in myself and I think because I've because I haven't given up on myself in this in this process that's been just the worst thing that's ever happened it's almost like anything that happens from now I just know that that I'm not gonna give up and um inner coach in your corner now like that you can be that for yourself like both your compassionate caretaker and your like coach cheering you on like you can do this now that you have that within yourself like I they always say that confidence comes from overcoming hard things and and being there for yourself and that's super super true and that feeling of confidence and knowing you've done something really difficult and that you can tackle anything that's what I think true safety feels like yeah and that is what makes you recover in and of itself as well because you feel safe in yourself to deal with anything um yeah and I think I'm just like always reaching for an external source of help and safety and like almost someone to save me someone to like sort it all out and make it better and I felt like I just can't do it I can't do anything I can't do it myself like you know my brain's against me like you know I'm a victim all this stuff and um I think having completely yeah shifted this and um having experienced safety Within Myself and realizing I can give all these things that I need is actually really within me and it sounds so cliche but it is so true um and I think especially through the safe space visualization that you showed me um knowing that I could actually feel that inner experience of peace and that feeling had only come from myself was like oh my gosh like I really can't take care of myself like it's just yeah it is so good oh this is beautiful thank you so much for sharing everything today I I always feel like really warm and like I'm so proud of you Jemima like for everything you did and how you tackled this journey and how you're now helping someone else looking at this like with your own experience I feel like it's like the cherry on on top um so yeah I really want to thank you for for doing this interview with me today and for being so open and sharing everything um if people have like any questions for you is it okay that they like leave a comment and for you to answer it yeah definitely So yeah thank you everyone for watching um and for being with us today I hope everyone has a beautiful day and thank you again so much to Lila for doing this video together thank you guys so much for watching today I hope everyone got some value out of this I felt quite emotional today after this interview just because of how proud I am of Jemima um and one last thing I wanted to mention which is not really to do with this uh story but usually after these stories I get quite a lot of questions about coaching or like intake requests um for the moment I have a waiting list um or I've had a waiting list for a couple of months so if you need more urgent help I will put a link in the description for my recovery course which basically teaches you almost everything that you need to know to recover and more practical things to already get you started if you are looking for more urgent help but if you like Jemima are looking to do sessions with me you can message me for an intake session but it might take a little while for me to answer or be able to put you onto the waiting list just so that you're aware that I for the moment at least now can't immediately offer you a spot so yeah that's all I wanted to say and I hope you guys all have a beautiful day I wish you so much love and light and I'll talk to you guys on my next video

Channel: Robin Schindelka

Views: 3,527

Keywords: Depersonalization, derealization, dpdr recovery, Existential Anxiety recovery, dpdr recovery story

Id: wmO_xElmg0M

Length: 55min 14sec (3314 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 11 2023