In Defense of Etiquette

now if I were to use the phrase or the just the word etiquette uh it probably doesn't sound particularly exciting to most people hearing that uh when you think about etiquette you probably think about you know stuffy people in you know maybe the 19th century who had all these very particular rules about how and where you should place your forks in a very kind of legalistic sense as a way maybe to judge people who are of other classes for not knowing the particularities of what the upper classes did with their silverware now I want to say that the idea of etiquette and manners as well are things that go far beyond just kind of showing off your your class or what you know or don't know and I want to make an argument that the loss of etiquette and social rules in a clear sense in our society has been very negative and that a unified Society should have rules of what is proper what is the right way to behave so this is a very brief defense of etiquette now maybe we should start by just talking about a distinction between etiquette and manners now different authors on etiquette have distinguished these things a little bit differently but generally etiquette refers to the social rules or the external things that one should follow manners are something more internal so something more akin to to Virtue something more akin to the character so etiquette are the external rules that one follows and in manners is the the character or the the behavior that flows out from who someone is in Social settings and how you treat others and behave toward others so why is it that people don't really talk about etiquette anymore because if you look back into the 19th century and then into the beginnings of the 20th century etiquette was pretty standard it was part of a standard education you know especially depending upon social classes but I don't think it's true that only the upper classes had an understanding of etiquette but these things tended to disappear from our our discourse and people aren't really trained in Etiquette anymore unless you're part of maybe certain communities or certain areas of the world or the country I know that you know I'm speaking from an American context myself and sure in the northeastern United States where I live perhaps there is a some kind of remnant of what was in those areas which probably is not the case in most parts of the country and really to be honest it's not that much the case here unless you're in in certain groups so if we're talking about about the loss then of etiquette saying why did these things start to disappear well uh what there are a lot of moves and shifts that happen culturally that I've spoken about in plenty of places but um and some of those shifts are really away from external things into the internal self so there is a move away from kind of social order away from how you display yourself externally to looking at identity in the self in terms of who I am internally and so there is a shift away from things like external rules or external appearances or just general societal rules about how it is that I function in society towards me and my inner authentic self and that leads to the second point of where we have moved as a society which leads us kind of away from standard rules of etiquette and that is toward a view of the self that prizes authenticity above all things now I've made other videos on this I'm a Critic of this prizing of authenticity I think it's led to a lot of chaos and crises in our age this notion that we have to just be authentic or even the idea that there is some kind of authentic inner self that's divorced from our bodily or external or societal existence and relationships I think that's that's a highly mistaken notion of what selfhood is but we have this idea that you need to be authentic in where you truly find happiness is in your authentic self and so if you are just going by the standard rules of society and what society says is good and right you're not really being authentic you're not really being your true self as a Heidegger would say you're living as the they you're doing what they expect you to do what Society expects you to do uh and so to be authentic then means often to overthrow or take off the shackles of what societal expectations and rules and regulations might be so we see this showing up in several movements throughout the 20th century especially in the 1960s it's not like this begins in the 1960s but the hippie movement was very much a real display of this idea on on a large scale to say that we want to overthrow societal expectations we want to do our own thing and be our own authentic people and that's where we're going to to truly find happiness and so this leads then to a third thing that's that has led to this move away from from understanding of etiquette or or value in etiquette and that is the privileging of Freedom now I think we have to talk about how we're defining freedom because here we're talking about freedom in a particular way and I would argue that this is not a classical view of freedom but we're talking about freedom in the sense of my personal decision my personal um value is found or enjoyment or Delight or happiness maybe happiness is the best way to to put it my happiness is found in my freedom to be able to make decisions according to my own preferences and so you know rules or regulations or whatever kind of limits you put on a human person are seen in this view as limitations on happiness so true happiness comes from the freedom to be able to make my own decisions and this is a very American idea it comes out of of the Enlightenment and if you look at a figure like someone like a Thomas Paine this this is an idea that's been brewing for for quite a long time but I think it starts to kind of flourish in the 20th century I think the fruits of these ideas that have been there for quite a long time start to show up at that time and we're dealing with the consequences of that today so there is kind of an assumption certainly in an American context not as much in some you know European contexts or or in other nations and cultures um and you know any European will comment about this if they come over to United States and go to a grocery store for the first time where they see this that essentially the there's an assumption that if you maximize your options you maximize freedom because now you have more choices and if you maximize Freedom you therefore maximize happiness so you know you go to the grocery store in Many Nations and you've got one brand of you know peanut butters let's say and you go to a grocery store in the United States you've got like 20 different options and the grocery stores are absolutely enormous and the idea is well you have more happiness because you have more options you get to pick the peanut butter that you really like now even just psychologically there have been there have been several studies on this that demonstrate that it actually causes a lot more stress and anxiety to have to make so many decisions all the time and it's a lot easier for us if we just have the one brand of peanut butter and I have to think about it and just run through the grocery store grab the peanut butter and move on and move on with our lives so this I think applies to social rules as well as humans we do well when we have limits uh we and I would go back it was a theologian I'd go back to the Garden of Eden and say this is kind of why God put this tree in the garden in the first place where there is this tree of the knowledge of Good and Evil where people are told not to Adam and Eve are told not to partake of this tree well people ask all sorts of questions well that doesn't seem fair why would that be the case why would God put the tree there in the first place and the point is God is putting limits on them because creatures live within limits we are not unlimited beings we are not gods and you even see this idea displayed in some of the you know classical Greek myths like like the myths of uh Icarus you know you have this this story where uh he you know makes these wax wings and Icarus flies too close to the sun because he he doesn't understand his limits he thinks that he can because he's created These Wings he has this this Freedom now he thinks he can do whatever he wants but when he tries to transcend those limits and go without those limits his wings melt and he crashes and dies so uh the the story there is is getting at this truth underneath us that people should recognize that is we live within limits and we do well within limits we do well with with rules we do well with particular roles that we are assigned and in our context today in the western world that's very difficult because we are trained to think in a very different way so with all of that being said that is the underlying concern then when I'm talking about about etiquette because if we're talking about etiquette this is not just something that say developed in you know Western Europe or in the United States you know 200 years ago or or showed up in the Victorian era when you do have all these very very particular rules about etiquette but etiquette is something that has existed in all cultures in all times there are things that tie cultures and peoples together and some of that is rules about how it is that you behave what is proper behavior and what is improper behavior and we certainly could think about that in terms of morality but when we're talking about etiquette it's not really morality that we're speaking about we're instead talking about social custom what is proper what is right how you go about engaging in conversation with other people how it is that you dress how it is that you dress for certain occasions and behave on in certain occasions and so you can look at cultures all over the world and while they may not use language of etiquette we have social rules that people just understand and it helps people to understand how it is that we function in society because we do well with rules we do well when we actually know what we're doing instead of just facing this aimless world with our inner authentic selves trying to make sense of things and figure out how we how we function in the world it just it doesn't work very well and it certainly has not led to an increase in happiness that seems very obvious especially when we look at statistical studies of happiness in in Men in particular which is kind of another issue but but very related to this so etiquettes if you start to understand etiquette it gives you just some guidelines of how it is that you are to to lift like how are you what are the kinds of behaviors that you should be doing in particular situations what's what's the right way to behave in different situations and honestly it takes away a lot of the anxiety about what you do in various situations because there are actual rules and guidelines and so you don't have to try to just kind of figure figure it out yourself and try not to be really awkward uh about what you're supposed to be doing and one other thing about but etiquette I think if you start to read and I have a number of etiquette manuals Okay so and I have some from the Victorian age and I have more 20th century ones there aren't as many that exist today and the ones that do exist today aren't as as good I Nest well some of them are okay I guess it just kind of depends but um you know Emily posts etiquette is kind of the classic of uh the the 20th century and it's been rovised I would recommend the older edition if you do want to read some um I I like the gentle manners series for men I think those are really helpful because they talk about also how to raise how to raise children and and how to teach them these things as well and how to function properly in in society [Music] um so one of the things that I found when you start reading a lot of these these manuals on etiquette it attacks on etiquette you so generally it's kind of the person I think this is a false perception but it's the perception that etiquette is about showing yourself to be of a better class now to be clear there there are there have been instances of you know aristocracy say in France prior to the French Revolution where you have these very particular rules of social life that the aristocracy creates in order to cut off others from understanding what they're doing like so that they they can have this kind of secret code for those who are in a particular class that cuts off the common people so it's true that that happens and it has happened at times in history and you do see this to some extent within the Victorian era in England you don't see it so much in in the United States um but because these things are just widely accessible in the United States and that doesn't mean social behaviors are exactly the same between classes and etiquette is going to differ between classes and cultures and it doesn't need to be exactly the same because we're not talking about some objective standard okay so etiquette is not something there is this kind of objective Universal standard that has dropped from Heaven that we all have to follow the rules of this era and age the point is it's a structure that Canon does change in their rituals that can and do change but even when you look at that I mean if you look at sociologists talking about this there are some general principles that do underlie even those those various structures as you look at you know the structuralists like like so sure and and stress stress probably in particular as he's looking at at various cultures he sees that there are some some underlying things that are more than just particularly you know societal constructs there there are kind of true things underneath that or underneath those structures of behaviors that are expected in various cultures so I don't want to say it's purely subjective but but generally how it works itself out can change you know certain things are seen as good in some societies that aren't then later that don't have any inherent moral Worth or anything like that it's just just that people uh and and standards change or the kind of clothing that's like considered formal you know 50 years later may be considered or it's going against maybe more the opposite it's more clothing that's considered casual in 50 years is now considered to be quite formal um which leads to another issue of of how we the casualization of of the world which is very related to this actually as well but but as you read through uh the majority of writing on manners you can go back to something like Erasmus at the time of the Reformation so going back 500 years where he has a manual on how boys and men should behave um the the guides and rules about etiquette are not about the self at all and something that you see over and over again is that kind of the whole point of proper etiquette in how you behave and how you talk in conversations is to actually get you outside of yourself and start looking and caring for other people because here's the problem as Saint Augustine said we are born in curvature curved in on ourselves and Martin Luther repeated this at numerous points and it's right we we are selfish creatures by Nature we are we are born caring for our own needs and desires and this is the problem with being an authentic self because the authentic self is selfish and if we're not concerned about societal uh constraints on who we are we tend to use our freedom to feed our passions to just do the things that make us feel good so when you're looking at something like like etiquette what it does is it actually it's there to restrain it's there to civilize you to help force you to cultivate good behavior force you to cultivate virtue because if you're authentic you just do whatever you feel like you want to do in your heart but if you start to look at rules surrounding etiquette and conversations you start to recognize that actually these are rules that help you to look at what other people need so rules about etiquette often have to do with things like how much you talk about yourself when you should be quiet you know when you should you should listen to somebody else the kinds of questions that you should ask another person that aren't going to be rude the kinds of questions you ask another person that are going to actually lead to you caring for them in the general here's a general rule about about etiquette is that when you're talking about etiquette you're looking at yourself and how you behave toward others you are not using it as a way for you to judge the people around you so it makes you a better citizen it makes you a better neighbor it makes you a better friend and people recognize this and I mean sure right if you go to a dinner party and you show up and you start telling them that they put the forks in the wrong place uh you're going to come off just as a jerk right and proper etiquette says that you don't do that because you're just concerned about what you do not what other people are are doing um but aside from trying to do that which hopefully you don't do uh when you are are displaying the proper rules of etiquette manners other people are going to notice and they're going to notice in a very positive way because they're going to think oh that person was very respectful toward me oh that person really seemed like they cared about me that person offered to help when they were you know at the party here or you know they they stood up when I came to greet them and saw them sitting down at a restaurant they they showed respect to me in that way um they didn't you know shove food in their mouth before everybody else did looking and acting selfish they showed that they actually cared about the group of people that they that were around them so the loss of etiquette is part of a broader cultural problem which is that we are losing the external things and looking for inner authenticity in the self but really the external things are good for us they give us a sense of of what we are to do they take away our anxieties about what we're to do in various situations because they just give us standards and rules uh they they help us to actually look for the good of others in social situations instead of just just being selfish and they help us to see that who we are as people is not just these isolated you know free wills that can just go make free choices to try to find happiness somewhere where people who live in a society in a culture that that we've been given we've you know we've inherited tradition we've inherited things about the place that that we're in we've inherited the you know families that we're a part of that we didn't choose and all of that is actually good and so we can recognize that and then live within the boundaries that God has given us in the place where we are in our life and in our society well hopefully this was some helpful food for thought just some things that that I think about that I've mentioned on different uh videos that I've done but I never spent time just talking about it so let me know if you want to do more things like this or I've talked about before actually just going through some standards or rules of of etiquette that wouldn't be a normal podcast topic because it's a little off the topic for what I usually do for my for my long podcast but I'm happy to do separate side videos on these kind of things and it's something that I enjoy and I do think it's important in terms of our addressing the issues that we're facing in the world today because I do Focus largely on the issues we're facing in in the church and that's my primary calling is as a theologian and a ordained pastor and the president of Theological Seminary um but I also am concerned with the broader world because God rules the right-hand Kingdom which is the church and he rules the left-hand Kingdom which is broader culture and Society so that I do think there are plenty of things that we can say about broader society as as well so I'm concerned about that I don't think the church should just be you know this isolated sphere we should just ignore what's going on in the world because these external things do affect all of us and I do think also as Christians we have a place to speak to the broader world and the issues that we are facing so thanks so much for watching make sure you subscribe here on YouTube and we'll see in the next one God bless

Channel: Dr. Jordan B Cooper

Views: 5,494

Keywords: meaning crisis, etiquette, manners, etiquetter and manners, emily post, why etiquetter matters, what is etiquette, what are manners, why good manners, who cares about manners, etiquette is good, learn etiquette, learn good manners, learn proper manners, good and bad manners

Id: 6y35xP4tois

Length: 20min 5sec (1205 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 02 2023