Ideas for Tomorrow | Sheryl Sandberg, Chief Operating Officer of Facebook

please welcome Cleveland Clinic CEO and president dr. Toby Cosgrove well good afternoon I can't tell you how pleased I am to have you all here this is one of the things that I have been looking and planning for for four years since I first heard Cheryl speak at Davos Cheryl is the chief operating officer of Facebook a best-selling author and founder of Lenin org and option B org she's been called the most powerful woman in Silicon Valley and the secret sauce behind Facebook's success Chelle Sandberg was born in Washington DC and grew up in North Miami Beach Florida she worked for McKinsey & Company the World Bank the Department of Treasury before joining a three-year old Google in 2001 as the topic as a top executive at Google she played a central role in making the largest most successful advertising business on the Internet in 2007 she met Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg at a Christmas party the encounter then led to further conversations and finally a job offer over the next nine years Facebook grew from a hundred million users to more than two billion is now the fifth largest company in the world in 2013 she published lean in women work and the will to lead Sheryl married David Goldberg in 2004 after a friendship Sheryl called him her rock and her best friend David died suddenly eleven years later while a couple were visiting in Mexico profoundly affected by grief Sheryl consulted her friend Adam grant a psychologist the two collaborated on Cheryl's current book optioned be facing adversity building resilience and finding joy the title comes from the advice Sheryl got from a friend after David's death the friend told her option a is not a so let's kick the out of option B the New York Times called it a remarkable achievement generous honest almost unbearably poignant here's a video to tell you a little bit more every day almost two billion people log into Facebook it has changed who we are and how we interact reuniting us with old friends keeping us connected to what's happening and for facebook chief operating officer Sheryl Sandberg that's been the most important part touching people's lives making a difference it has fueled her rise to success informed her career decisions and helped her become one of the most influential business leaders of her generation a self-proclaimed geek sheryl sandberg was voted most likely to succeed in high school but you won't find her picture in the yearbook she had her friend take it out because she thought it was uncool her class had it right though she went on to Harvard and it was her thesis advisor Larry Summers who later tapped her to become his chief of staff when he became Treasury secretary in 1999 though she thought she'd always work at nonprofits Cheryl recognized the way technology could change lives so she moved to Silicon Valley and joined Google in 2001 in 2008 she joined Facebook as the chief operating officer overseeing the firm's business operations and in 2012 she became the first woman on Facebook's board of directors because I had a lot of respect looking at what you built at Google and wanting to get a sense for some of the lessons that you learned I don't know spend some more time learning from Cheryl she's one of the most influential women on the planet she's the female force behind the largest social networking side of the world thinking back to the girl who was embarrassed to be voted most successful motivated Sheryl to try to inspire other women to embrace success her book lean in became a best-seller that resonated with women all over the world Cheryl's book lean in is very useful in putting in one place a lot of the research about the internal barriers while asking others to lean in there came a time for Sheryl to actually lean on others two years ago the unexpected death of her husband SurveyMonkey executive Dave Goldberg forced her to think about life differently when Sheryl shared an emotional Facebook post about her grief over 70,000 people responded that led to her newest book option vie facing adversity building resilience and finding joy I think the overwhelming message of this is we're a lot more resilient than we think we are smart strong brave sheryl sandberg demonstrates what it means to rethink limits push through fears and overcome obstacles through it all she brings our vast world a little closer and empowers a new generation to lead please welcome sheryl sandberg so I am I'm reminded of what one of our presidents used to say when he received a particularly nice introduction he said I wish my parents would have been here to see that my father would have appreciated it and my mother would have believed it so thank you for the overly kind I also I'm really excited to be here in Cleveland at the Cleveland Clinic uh that I'm not the only person from San Francisco to be here today um but I'm here for a totally different reason it's good for the Warriors that I'm not playing basketball tonight um but this this city has raised two of the women most important to my life in my life one is here with me today Merle seifer's Nia's like my second mom she grew up here and was my mom's best friend growing up on Miami and is touring with me this week and Marnie Levine who so many people know who's my dearest friend in the world grew up here so I feel at home here and dr. cosgrove and this clinic has been really important helping me sort through an understanding of why Dave died helping me think through choices I have for me and my children since then and so I have had the honor and privilege of benefiting from the great medical knowledge of the Cleveland Clinic and it is an honor to be with all of you here today thank you for welcoming me well Cheryl you've got sibs now who are doctors how did you avoid us yet joining this profession I know it's worse than that my father's a doctor my only siblings my brother my sister my sister-in-law I wasn't that good at science or I was probably a girl and I probably could have been good at science and some teacher probably told me I wasn't uh-huh but you know I was first and I didn't go to med school and you know for a long time my parents were deeply disappointed they still might be I I think you may have overcome I'm not sure I'm not sure ass world's that being a doctor runs deep in my family you know and then you went to work for a fascinating guy Larry Summers and how did that come about and what did you learn in that process well he was my thesis advisor in college and I worked on health care I went to the World Bank with him he was the chief economist and I joined the India division health team and I worked in India on leprosy and then blindness and then malaria and so I got to see firsthand what is global healthcare how fortunate we are with all of its problems to have the health care system or at least the health care we are afforded or at least some people are afforded in this country certainly everyone's afforded here at the Cleveland Clinic um and what what real poverty is what global poverty is what it means to live on what was then less than a dollar a day what is now less than two dollars a day and from then on the Google and working with Eric Schmidt I went to Google I went to the guy went from from the World Bank to business school I went to the government with Larry I was his chief of staff during the Clinton years and I always thought I'd only ever work in the not in the nonprofit or in the government you know my dad was a doctor my mother did a lot of community service I was raised that he didn't really do business you worked on behalf of other people and then when I was sitting at the US Treasury watching the economy grow right this is right through that first tech boom the companies out in Silicon Valley seemed to me to be making a really big difference and they were doing things that nonprofits couldn't do and so I went to Google and I went to Google because I really believed and it's a of giving people people information my kids to this day my children are nine and twelve they have no idea that there was a time when you couldn't just look up everything on there on a little oh I mean you try to explain what the library is they kind of know what that is because that's what they go to in school but you know what an encyclopedia is they have no idea what an encyclopedia is you know okay I got to ask the question so you work in government going back I'm not going back but a lot of people want to know this I do think I really love Facebook and love our mission and feel like I have my life's work but I do think we need a lot of changes in public policy I mean you and I were just talking upstairs about how we are in the first generation where lifespan is decreasing in the United States decreasing and that is because of obesity that is because of the diseases that are caused and so you know we need to do better we need to do better on public health even in this country we need to do better on the availability of high quality food I know you've done a lot on this I'm a very active volunteer for the food bank in my area and through the state of California and we need to do better with the better public policies that are going to support people you know you then gave a commencement address at Harvard Business School your alma mater and that was in 2010 that was the impetus for subsequent thought so when I when I came into the work force I graduated from college in 1991 and I looked above me and there were basically men leading things and then I looked aside aside and there were women and men in equal numbers and I thought my generation would change that but the years went by and it just didn't and I have a secret to tell everyone okay I don't mean to shock you but men still around the world I'm not sure it's going that well hey you don't have to carry that over to the Cleveland Clinic do you you seemed found yeah but you should compete for your job with a full talent to the population and I'm sure you would still get it but the whole organization would be better as a result and what's really happening is that there's a very strong bias against female leadership ready men only can we dim the light can we open the lights little so I can see men only please raise your hand if you were called bossy as a little boy men only yeah women raise your hand if you were called bossy as a little girl that's the issue right we know ready we can do it it was fast forward to the workplace men raise your hand if someone's told you you're too aggressive at work there's always a few hands on this women raise your hand if someone's told you you're too aggressive at work now here's what we know in gender blind studies of children and adults men are more sort of them women boys are more assertive than girls but we expect men to be assertive and not women and that is the bias that leads us to 5% of the fortune 500 CEO jobs two sets a small percentage of the people who are running medical institutions running for office and we can change that by understanding that bias and correcting it so if you want to help out go to a playground this weekend you do it in any city certainly in Cleveland and you walk up to a little girl after she's been called bossy likely by her parents and you say that little girl's not bossy that little girl has executive leadership skills okay I'm gonna double click on that in Silicon Valley language ready let's try that the other way that little boy has executive leadership skills I have done that experiment in audiences of all sizes all over the world and every single time we laugh at the girl and we don't laugh at the boy why because humor is against type so to this day for all of us it's funny that a little girl without of executive leadership skills and until we change that on until it has the same amount of humor as the boy which is basically none we will not get to the positions we want to have and that's what leaning is about okay and tell them about the three things that are important for girls OB in the table well there's lots of things that are important for girls but the thing for us to remember is that we systematically as a society judge male performance a little bit high and women's performance a little bit low and we do it to ourselves so a man remembering his GPA remembering things that are quantifiable fails quotas will get it wrong a little high and a woman will get it wrong a little low and other people do that to them as well so that means that when we apply for promotions when we apply for jobs women are applying when they meet all of the criteria men men they meet some men are getting promoted based on potential women on what they've already accomplished and so just knowing that bias exists and correcting is so important we have a ginormous bias on race if you send out two resumes exact same with a black black sounding name and a white sounding name that white sounding name is worth eight years of experience in the workforce 50% more interviews these are the biases we have to uncover so what we need is for us to correct for us to know that we're systematically undervaluing women and minorities relative to white men so that we can make those Corrections and give people the chances based on opportunities that they that they need so what kind of questions you ask in an interview I asked lots of questions um one of the things that I like to do in an interview is I actually like to let people talk as much as possible and kind of see where they go and give them a chance to ask questions and see and see what they ask and obviously it depends on the age and a tenure what I'm looking for and what I'm usually looking for someone who's pretty open and honest about the things they don't know and I think it's going to be able to be a great part of a team you had a major traumatic event in your life and it is I think probably first say change your life I mean I don't have to tell this audience that's we're setting it you know one of the preeminent medical places in the world which means that this this institution in this community are facing death and illness and the kinds of things that change your life and sometimes they change our lives slowly and sometimes they change their lives quickly I lost my husband Dave to a cardiac arrhythmia very suddenly and I had no idea what to do no idea any skill I had before that I thought I could apply I couldn't and so I turned to my friend Adam grant as you said in your intro he's a psychologist and asked him what do i do how do I get my kids through this how do I get myself through this and I asked him you know how much resilience do I have and he said that was the wrong question how much Rizzoli's do my kids have wrong question because we're not born with a set amount of resilience we build it it's a muscle we build it in ourselves we build it in each other and that path led to writing this book as we're trying to share the lessons we've learned and I think lessons that this community knows so well so how do you how did you begin to build your resistance and and come out of this for example Elisabeth kubler-ross talks about grieving denial anger etc did that was that appropriate for you I mean I had all of those and those those feelings came and what Adam taught me that we share an option B is that there's three traps that happened that we put ourselves into which make it harder to recover and like let's be clear grief is a long-term process there is no one right way there is no timeline on which we process and it comes and goes it's part of our lives and so part of it my rabbi told me to lean into the suck not what I meant when I fed lean in but actually very good advice because just accepting that yes I was going to feel angry sad all of those feelings would come and overwhelming was so important it's also worth knowing what are the cognitive mistakes we make which keep us from recovering and one of them is personalization I blame to myself when Dave died I didn't go to med school everyone in my family did um why didn't I diagnose the coronary artery disease that his doctors didn't diagnose even once I got over that you know my mother's life was interrupted for a month that she came to stay with me I missed all my client events I was putting a lot of pressure on my teams at work you could just blame yourself we blame ourselves for things that are and aren't our fault but even the things that are our fault showing the same compassion to ourselves we would share with a friend show to a friend allows us to move on and recover and that is hugely important and it wasn't until Adam said to me if you don't stop blaming yourself your kids are not going to recover that I gave myself the permission to try to move forward pervasiveness what happens in one area of your life doesn't usually doesn't affect all areas now that's not always true earlier today I was in amazing organization your local immigration and refugee relief organization that's placing placing people who are immigrating here they're doing amazing things with people who it actually does affect every area of their life right if you are in Syria you lose your family you lose your home you lose pretty much everything and you move to a new country but most of the time and even though even people who face that recover we have a great story of that in the book but most of the time when we have something really terrible in one area of our life it doesn't affect all areas and reminding ourselves of that and then permanence when I first lost Dave I thought the overwhelming grief would just be with me always and it is but not the way it was at the beginning and trying to tell people this will get better right time does heal not completely not entirely but it really does heal is so important and that's part of what we're trying to do so you went back to work ten days later and how are you treated at work the therapists my was working with with my kids told me to get my kids back to school and their regular routine as quickly as possible so a week later ten days later they went back to school and I went back to work and you know what was really surprising for me I mean I had read about stages of grief even though they're kind of States not staged as we know now so when the anger came I wasn't surprised when the sadness came I wasn't surprised but what did surprised me is that it really flattened my confidence in all areas of my life you know I'd been a parent before with a great husband and now I had to parent on my own to grieving children I went back to work I could barely get through a meeting without thinking about day of let alone contribute and so despite having you know written lean in we have 33,000 lean in circles I know some of the amazing leaders of leaning Cleveland are with us tonight I'd spent years building up other women's self-confidence and my own this just took it all away and what I realized is that I had gotten this exactly wrong when people came back to work but I used to say to them is do you need time off and that's still really important but then I would say but don't worry if you can't do that project with all you're going through but when that was said to me it proved what I knew which was oh my god I'm not gonna able to do my job and I'm gonna lose this to Mark Zuckerberg my amazing boss I have no idea how he knew this my first day back at work I fell asleep I believed someone um who used to work at Microsoft worked at Google that's like saying someone is from the Warriors in this city tonight it's bad it doesn't sound that bad but it's really bad you know I rambled and I called Mark that night and said well maybe I can't do my job anymore and he said oh everyone falls asleep in meetings but he also said I'm glad you came in today because you made a great point and so now when people come back to work of course I offer them time off and try to take the pressure off but if they want to be there I also thank them and compliment them if they make a good point maybe the point they would have needed a compliment on before I do that and this works and this is important it's not just for someone who's lost a spouse losing a child getting treated for an illness someone going to jail being a victim of assault all of these things destroy our confidence in other areas and we can work to build each other up so as a result of that you've now changed the bereavement policy at Facebook yeah so Facebook has great policies and I feel lucky for that and proud of my company we gave ten days of bereavement leave for immediate family members and five days for extended before and now we're 20 and 10 we also put in another six weeks of family medical leave and Lee leave is a huge issue for companies and for public policy in the United States were the only developed country in the world that doesn't have paid maternity leave the only one that is not a good place to be let alone the paternity leave we need and Family Medical Leave it I mean this community in this institution knows so well when things happen we need to be there we need to be there for our own health we need to be there to take care of others in our families and in our lives and our corporate policy and our public policy needs to support that let's go back to resilience how did you build resilience is it possible to build it for organizations it is I think it really is we build resilience not just in ourselves but each other and we can build resilience in our communities and there are so many good examples of how we do that for organizations whether they're nonprofits or government groups or companies the most important thing about building resilience is learning from failure so every organization now says they learn from failure that's like very in vogue right except most organizations don't because when we fail we don't want to admit it we sweep it under the rug every year the face book management team I take the face book management team to an organization I think we can learn from we're only only a little bit over a decade old so we don't have even the history that the Cleveland Clinic has and so we want to learn from others and a bunch of years ago I took the face book management team to Quantico to marine basic training you're glad were not in the Marines it was physically a very daunting thing but I learned something so important that mark and I learned and we've been implementing in our company which is the Marines do full debriefs of everything that goes wrong even if it's just a training exercise full debrief even if they think they know what went wrong they sit down in the room and they go through it now before I went there I used to think once someone said they did something wrong at work if I kept talking them about it I was beating them up and that was not necessary but once I learned this from the Marines I realized oh my god debriefing is part of how we learn from failure and if you do it regularly it no longer becomes something that people are embarrassed by doctors do this very well doctors are doing debriefs after things go wrong so that they can learn and that's something we can all learn from yeah it's called an it's a tradition call M&M conference and we go through our problems and we are very candid about it then that's there's sometimes very painful and there's strong data that those conferences save lives that institutions that are doing them are saving future lives and I think it's something the rest the rest of companies and nonprofits could learn from now Angela Duckworth is written about grit AR grit and resilience the same thing different how do they correspond resilience is our ability to overcome hardship and get through it grit is I think how hard we work to do it I think there's certain they're certainly related and one certainly leads to the other Adam and I have talked a lot about how there's a huge self-help section in every bookstore right but there's no help others section we want our book to be in the help other section because I think we help build resilience in each other and one of the ways we have to do it is acknowledging pain and once I lost Dave I realized that I really got this wrong before before Dave died if someone was going through something hard if someone died or they had cancer or you know their father went to prison whatever it was the first time I saw them I would use the acknowledgement and say I'm so sorry for your loss your hardship your illness and then after that I would never bring it up again because I didn't want to remind them hmm you can't remind me I lost Dave trust me two years later if someone says I'm so sorry for your loss I'm not like damn I forgot why'd you remind me and you can't remind someone that she has cancer she knows and so when we don't talk to each other we are withholding the support we need right when we need at the most and Adrienne Boise who's here today has part of the Cleveland Clinic staff who so generously joined the staff of option of the Advisory Board of option B org my nonprofit has talked about this as well as how we help each other and we help each other by acknowledging it's not that everyone wants to talk about whatever's going on all the time but it is never the wrong thing to say to someone I know you're suffering and I'm here to talk to you to get through it with you the other thing I used to do and again the wrong thing is I used to say to someone going through something hard is there anything I can do and I meant it I was willing to do anything but on the other side of that question I realized that question kind of shifts the burden to the aggrieved first the person who needs the help to answer the question and how do you answer that you make father's they go away so I don't have to live through it every year right there's no answer a friend of mine dear friends Dan and Esther levy they lost a child a son and they were in the hospital in San Francisco for many months and a friend of his showed up in the lobby and just texted and said I'm downstairs in the lobby of the hospital for a hug for the next hour whether you need it or not now a friend of mine read that in my book and option B and she had a friend of hers not a close friend but a friend went into the hospital with her daughter her leukemia and she said before she read the story and option B she wouldn't have done anything because she's not her best friend how dare she impose in to the space that his childhood leukemia but read book so she went to a toy store she bought a stuffed giraffe she showed up at the hospital uninvited texted upstairs and said I'm here with the toy for your daughter if you want me to come up where I could just leave it here so the woman immediate was like please come up so that she gives the toy the four-year-olds opening the giraffe and the mother is standing behind her just crying hysterically thank you for coming and the whole hour she was there no one else did you don't have to be someone's best friend from the first grade to show up and while we have yet to eliminate cancer we have not eliminated death and I know we're not going to even though I know institution is going to have some of the advances that help both we can take away the elephant that's following people around who are dealing with these things and we can speak about it and we can show up and that will make an enormous difference you know I've noticed that at funerals people frequently left and tell jokes or to tell stories that are humorous what's the place of humour and grieving it's so important my friend Nell Scoville wrote lean in with me and she was the editor of option B and she's a comedy writer and she'd four siblings and her mother died and at the funeral she stood up with an envelope and said I have in this envelope the name of mom's favorite child at the funeral good for her good for her because humor I understand why we make jokes at funerals now humor takes away the pain for an instant and it takes back control it says that we can laugh and we can live and on the other side of grief and building resilience it's about telling people you're there to talk to them not pretending what they're going through doesn't exist and waiting for them to break bring it up not waiting for them to tell you exactly what they need but just showing up but it's also about permission permission to live permission to love permission to laugh which we can do a much better job giving each other so what are you permitting yourself to do no in the early days I had to forgive myself permission to feel joy about four months after Dave died I was at a friend's child's Bar Mitzvah and a childhood friend pulled me on the dance floor and I danced for about a minute and then I really kind of collapsed was super embarrassing I crying I'd to be taken outside and I couldn't figure out exactly what was wrong and I realized I felt okay even happy for one minute four months later and then the guilt just flooded into my body what am i doing on a dance floor dancing when Dave is gone and guilts survivor's guilt we feel it when we lose someone we feel it when we lose a child we feel it when we were cover from an this other people don't recover from we feel it when someone else loses a job and we don't or we get another one it's a thief of joy and right around then my brother-in-law so generously called me and he said all Dave ever wanted was for you and your children to be happy don't take that away from him in death and then the question is okay how so you say okay I'm going to let myself be happy how and happiness is something we deeply don't understand we are terrible predictors of our own happiness Dan Gilbert wrote a great book on this um that's really worth reading but we're waiting for the big stuff we're waiting to have a child get a job you know something big to happen but really happiness is the small things in our lives and so one of the best suggestions Adam ever gave me which I hope people take from tonight is at the end of every day right down to three moments of joy moments tiny things because even after Dave died my coffee tasted great or my daughter gave me a hug unsolicited maybe hinted at but not directly asked but that is a moment of joy and what I realized is that before this I went to bed every night worried about what I did wrong what I was going to do wrong the next day what was going to fall down mess up but because I was writing down those three moments of joy I go to bed thinking about moments of joy and I noticed them more during the day if there's one thing I can give you it's that three moments of joy it'll change your life have you given yourself permission to date I did I started dating and it wasn't easy um I got a bunch of public criticism I got a lot of support from the people around me especially Dave's family Dave's mother and brother who had lost their father and I think understood you know we do this to women much more than men and there's nothing that upsets me more than something that sexist but when people date when people date after losing a spouse we judge women much more men date more often and more frequent more frequently and faster and what are we married to and they get married faster and more often yet and what I wanted to say to everyone was I found the person that I wanted to spend my life with but I don't have that choice and so the people like Dave's mother amazingly and Dave's brother who gave me permission to date they gave me permission to feel joy along with permission to laugh along with support I needed at work and the point of option B is that we can do a better job showing up for each other and giving ourselves permission to live let's go back know if you had to write lean in again would be any different in some ways it would be I wrote a whole chapter in lean in called make your partner a real partner you know and then I didn't have one and although I had written about different family structures and lean in I think the name of that chapter was a problem much like the fact that the Girl Scout troop insists on having the father-daughter dance every year is a problem like if they would call it the fought lien to the daughter friend dance with the daughter family dance it wouldn't be so painful for me and my daughter every year naming matters and so the fact that I called it make your partner a real partner was a mistake and I've probably pologize publicly for that parts of it would be the same because I do believe that a woman that was that a world that was run by more women by more diverse voices would be a fair equitable more peaceful world and so I think there are some women from Lena and Cleveland here tonight right can y'all stand up stand up come back here - yay so we formed a Lenin org with the publishing of lean in and we have leaned in circles think small groups of women or men we advise eight to ten but in Houston there's one with several hundred because they say everything's bigger in the state of Texas so it's really your choice but small groups that are meeting once a month to support each other and be as ambitious as they want to be to say to each other yes not know to say to each other why not not why and we've 33,000 now in 150 countries in the world we grow by almost 100 a week and that gives me hope because these are the women in your own community who are supporting each other and hopefully going to get into the leadership positions and fulfill their own dreams in ways that will make a really big difference and that hasn't changed one bit couple things that I've seen you write about and our round Facebook is like move fast and break things yes we don't mean all things you know how to break everything we don't have rank everything um but we do have a theory that most companies slow down because they they move too slowly not too quickly well great one of the most interesting conversations I ever had was with one of the CEOs of the airline companies and I had a chance to sit next to him at an event you and I have been to and I asked him years ago I said maybe it was a dumb question but I said why are there so many delays because of catering and why do y'all always lose my bags what's the answer to that well it was a great answer what he said was a huge part of the operation I run there is zero margin for error zero planes can't crash he's like all of our errors all of our mistakes are gonna be catering in baggage and I was like that's fantastic go on losing my bag knock yourselves out huh right I'll replace my sneakers lose my bag but but it was really interesting and it made us think very differently at Facebook so there's huge areas where we can't mess up your privacy your data security infrastructure Facebook doesn't you know you really can get cannot get on Facebook we have solid infrastructure we don't have have data problems where data where you know people's when you share and you share to your family it stays with your family when you share publicly it's public so we're very careful but we can launch a product that's not perfect that needs a lot of feedback and so for all organizations there are areas where you want to innovate really quickly and there areas where you need to be super careful and separating those two is really important well now you're being about transparency were you always on Facebook sharing openly well I was on Facebook sharing privately and when I joined Facebook you can only share with friends and we had a limit of 5,000 and then we opened up to what we call followers and I remember the day we did that our head of product communications came mark and I sit in these open desks with everyone and she came she's like okay guys ready to open up to followers and I was like not me and Mark is like not me where he was she was like oh yes both of you because like the whole work we're trying to get people to do it so mark and I both opened up to followers and you know I never thought I would share this openly at all the first draft of lean in was only the data and the research I thought it was fantastic there were like five pages on the maasai matrilineal tribe and how characteristics that we normally associate with men are associated with women my editor and Dave thought they were like no one is going to read this book this is horrible Dave called it eating your Wheaties no offense to Wheaties and so the personal story got added in to make the points I wanted to make about women and leadership and you know mark has posted publicly on miscarriages he and Priscilla had before they were able to have babies and I think the process of building a product that has has the goal of making people share and connect has made us share and connect more and that doesn't mean everyone wants to share everything openly they don't and I don't but it does mean that we find our humanity in relationships with one another we formed option B org when I launched the book and there's 350,000 people in the overall groups which is amazing and then we have these subgroups on discrimination and assault and one is on coping with grief and on May 1st which was the two-year anniversary of Dave's death even after writing option B traveling around the country talking about it I really didn't know where to turn and I turned to that group there were thousands of people in that group none of whom I knew and I posted I posted about visiting Dave's grave that day and I posted just the sheer grief of that two-year mark and it was opposed even my closest friends who haven't been through death might not have understood and it was one I never would have shared publicly but in that group of a couple of thousand people all who have experienced real loss I found my support on Memorial Day a woman in the group posted and she said today we remember and she put up a picture of her husband and she said this is my husband and then she said everyone share who you lost and hundreds of people this is my child this is my sister this is my my wife and I posted this this is my husband and I'm not saying we all want to share always but that sharing makes me feel less alone and when we face life's hardest things it's not just the hardship itself it's the isolation and that we can change so Facebook is a very powerful medium and you and I shared a unique experience together why don't you tell him about it we were at a conference over the summer and I was there and Mark was there and we were all kind of having tea late one night after the event and it was the night of one of the police standoffs and was running live on Facebook and dr. cosgrove sat there with me and Mark as we talked about the fact that this was running live on Facebook what and what that meant and you know technology is a powerful thing and the ability to go live on Facebook is a very powerful thing and it has I think been really important in transparency for things that people need to know are happening I think we in our country have a deeper understanding of some of the challenges people face in our streets in their lives because some of those moments are captured on video we also face challenges of understanding what's appropriate and our policies are very clear there's no place for violence there's no place for bullying there's no place for hate we rely on our community to help us pull those things down and we are proud of the role that we've played in making certain things more transparent and open and honest and we also recognize the very large responsibility we have to get those content policies right so how is the the social media industry if you will beginning to address this going forward and how should it because this is a hey you know you got one bad apple and a million people using it well how are we ever going to police say cuz you come under enormous criticism so we have very clear policies ya know no Facebook you know look we have very clear policies Facebook is not a place for bullying Facebook is not a place for terrorism face is not a place for violence and we have big teams around the world trying to enforce those policies we also see a lot of people on those platforms helping people from bullying helping people who have been at of been attacked by violence you see amazing work being done to help refugees resettle to help understand stories and I think you know we have a responsibility to set the right policies and enforce them well and the community has an opportunity to help us find those things we've two billion people posting on Facebook and so we rely on people to report things to us and then it's up to us to take action as quickly as possible I do think that social media serves a really role in helping us build empathy for each other and resilience you know why why do we let you know over a million children die every year in this world of unclean water there are people who will die today in the Cleveland Clinic and hospitals around the world and hopefully they are dying of things we do not know how to treat or prevent yet right right those are deaths we are working and I know there's so much great research going on here to prevent but we know absolutely how to prevent deaths from clean water we know you get clean water in the first place it is cheap to do that these water systems are cheap and the the diseases that come out of that are completely treatable if you're in the right part of the world so why do we let it happen we let it happen because those children are not living on our block and we can't see their names and faces I studied economics in college we talked about the invisible victim you can't place you know a million children what does that look like but when you see that one child if a child we're standing in front of you dying of typhoid you would cure that child and so I remain a technologist and an optimist because I believe if we take those stories and make them clear and we show people the face of that child we will not let that child suffer and we will find ways to get clean water to everyone in the world something we certainly have the technology to do and we will only do that if we care and we will only care if we see and we can only see the visible victim not the invisible one and I think that's what social media at its best enables us to do now I've got a couple more questions but there which Cheryl has agreed to take questions from you all and there's two microphones here and so we we invite you to join in this discussion Cheryl you've spoken very well and eloquently about women and women in leadership positions what is the political atmosphere for that now you know obviously it's a very challenging time in this country and around the world but the real truth on women in leadership positions is that there is a deep cultural bias against females as leaders and that's true all over the world and it's been true longer than any one administration so all the numbers on women and leaders basically started going up in the 60s and 70s and they went up for decades the wage gap got smaller more women were getting into leadership positions and about 12 years ago progress basically stopped women have had about 5% of the fortune 500 CEO jobs and their equivalent in every country in the world for over ten years and that's happening in countries with really terrible public policy like our country does and actually some great public policy like Norway Norway has quotas for women on boards and they've moved to 30% women on boards but they're still at less than four percent of women in Fortune 500 jobs and that's because we need to understand the biases we have against female leadership you know as human beings we process very quickly by the time and animals running at me and I were to process deductively ha four legs four tail that's a lion I'm dead and so we have evolved to process very quickly and that means we hold people to their expectations so when a woman leads in the workplace she's too aggressive when a girl leads on the playground she's bossy and we saw that right here today as we do in every audience in the world when a man leads he's a leader and we can change that but we're gonna have to recognize what it is and start applauding little girls all over the world for leading great any bring the house lights up and we're going to start over here with a question over here gosh Cheryl thank you for sharing your experience of laws and how to deal with it the information you shared I'm sure was difficult for you to share with everybody but that was very helpful for me personally and I'm sure for generations to come with the book that you have in the website here are my two questions first question is you mentioned that facing adversity leads to building resilience and resilience leads to finding joy right now your boss Mark Zuckerberg recently said that we should give universal basic income to everybody so you're going to take away the facing the adversity you're going to take away them building resilience because if I get a check every day I'm fine with it I'm a doctor but I don't have to go to work I can sit at home and just collect the checks and that's fine with me and then I'm never going to find joy how do you reconcile these two different views from a bigger social perspective because that's an important issue that our society is going to have to face because we don't have limitless resources that's my one question ok well one another one to a customer so the conversation on on you bi on economic growth on opportunities for people for people is is a long and complicated one and not our subject for today but there's no situation under which we take away adversity because it always exists and I'll ask everyone a question who here has heard of post-traumatic stress or PTSD right there almost every hand who's heard of post-traumatic growth you have right almost no one now post traumatic stress the very serious problem very serious problem we need to do better but more people experience post-traumatic growth than post traumatic stress and no one's ever heard of it and so you are right that adversity has benefits because we do grow we grow by having deeper relationships we grow by having deeper appreciation sometimes deeper appreciation for what we just took for granted before one of the most shocking moments for me in losing dave was a couple weeks later adam said to me you should think about what might be worse like worse i just lost my husband suddenly are you kidding and he said Dave could have had that cardiac arrhythmia driving your kids and you all know that you see those cases here and you know what that's true and the minute he said it I was like I'm good kids are alive I'm okay I could have lost all three of them I feel that way about every day of life now I'm gonna turn hopefully 48 in August Dave never turned 48 I would have never appreciated that birthday I used to make jokes all the time about growing old who's made that who's made a joke about growing old oh I'm getting old come on yeah don't do that I'm serious we either grow older we don't and growing old itself as a gift over here hi Cheryl I first heard you speak in 2010 at Ted and it was amazing I was so impressed I've read your book and I think you're really smart every time you speak it's so enlightening I happen to believe that you're not at the peak of your influence or power and wondering if you have plans to do your own thing well Facebook for me is my thing I feel deeply connected to to the company into mark and my foundation lean in' and option b org are the things i've started i'm really proud of the women all over the world who are leading it locally I'm grateful for the people who are creating the option B community and helping others through a real hardship so I'm going to keep doing those things as well let's go Cheryl thank you for sharing your deeply affecting story I think it affects many of us I had a question about social media since you work in a company that forms the social media so social media has changed the way we communicate we connect can you comment on some of the negative aspects that you've had to deal with as a company for parents who have teenagers and kids or for rogue nations and what steps Facebook and companies alike have taken to reconcile these issues and problems and help us parent better yeah so you know every technology that's ever been invented has been used for good and for bad Facebook is 13 and over and we do everything we can do to enforce those limits so that kids are old enough you know anyone who has children and I have children knows that phones are pretty addicting and you know trying to get the phone away from them you know is something that I think I have a responsibility for as a parent we have very strict policies on how Facebook can be used Facebook is no place for bullying we work hard with local teachers organizations and student organizations to make sure that people are getting the support they need on Facebook and not facing negative things we've done some good work there people will say to us teachers will say to us kids are going to get bullied I'd much rather it happen on Facebook because then we know who did it we can see it and we can take appropriate action as opposed to in the playground where sometimes you can't tell that said you know things happen on Facebook that we don't want to happen and it is our responsibility to take them down I think where we are at our best is not just when we're being defensive and taking away things that violate our policies but when we are proactive you know when we put in safety check so people can check in as safe after earthquakes when we do proactive work to connect teens to suicide hotlines which we've done you know when you see pride stuff all over Facebook that helps people who are LGBTQ feel good about their identity and we do everything where we you know take positive action to take down revenge porn and put technology like AI behind it and so in all of these areas where there are fears about harm we are putting our company and our resources and our technology by not just the defense but the offense for where we can do some good okay Sheryl thanks for making the trip here to Cleveland yes did I break it um thinking about the good fun yeah she's good alright I'm thinking about all the great work that you did in putting together lean in and connecting all of the you know great work and research and practical stories around internal barriers was very helpful for me personally for my team at my office and other women that I know but I also think that there are very real and pervasive external barriers you've talked about paid maternity leave is one of those you think about things like the disconnect between our work day and our school day work year at our school year that make it very difficult for women I'm wondering what you think are some of the most pressing external barriers and how we can best address those well I think the bias against female leadership is an external barrier we have it in ourselves but it exists broadly in society and you see that in how in how girls and girls are treated and I think the public policies we don't support single mothers enough 37 percent of single mothers of all backgrounds in this country are living in poverty forty percent of your black or Latina and a poverty line you have significant challenges above that so many more people are facing significant challenges and so everything from leave to the basic social supports and and supports we give people we need to do better at making those barriers we also need to do better at understanding that women do work and supporting them I'll ask another audience question men raise your hand if anyone's ever said to you should you be working you never get one ever women raise your hand if anyone's ever said to you should you be working seventy percent of mothers are in the workforce because they have to be and want to be our messages are constant that this is a choice for them and it's not a choice and we should stop pretending it is and stop telling women that they can't do it all because what we mean by that is have a career have a job and have a family and most women do and we need to start a stop assuming something that has to be true is not true over here hi there um thanks for coming today I was really inspired by your story about showing up for people in you know times of grief and difficulty for them um but I have a global community of people that I care about in part facilitated by things like Facebook so do you have any suggestions on how to be supportive and you know be there for people when you're not physically there for people well I think it's the understanding and the empathy and the sharing so we share our own experiences and we comment on theirs I know how you feel because of this or I'm in this with you one of those powerful things I learned through losing Dave and studying resilience is how powerful the word we is you know you're going to get through this you're going to get better those are nice sentences I said them often said kindly but on the other side of that what people are thinking is you have no idea if I'm going to get through this but we when I had friends were diagnosed with cancer before I lost Dave I used to say I know you'll be okay and now I know that the voice in their head is saying how do you know that and so now what I say is I know you don't know if you're going to be okay and neither do i but you're not going to go through this alone because I am here with you every step of the way we is a very powerful word hi Cheryl thanks so much for being here I'm fortunate enough to be in one of the leaning Cleveland groups and we are so excited that you came out today I have a small child I have a five year old daughter and one of the things that I've been trying to do beside besides call her leader on the playground is um just think about how I can work towards building up her resilience and also building her up as a leader know it's a little young but can never start too soon right so actually not too young I'm just interested if you had one or two things to pass along to you know I'm sure many of us in the audience are moms of younger ones just what advice you would give them on helping to build up the resilience yeah so we have some resilience on some some lessons for women and leadership and equality on Van bossy or some part of my foundation and there's a chapter on resilience in option B um if you're thinking about girls one thing that's worth knowing is there's a toddler wage gap in our country we pay little boys toddlers more to do fewer chores than girls so for anyone is in the work force that will feel kind of familiar and so treating boys and girls equally in the subtle ways and the not so subtle ways and we have we have lots of tips when you think about building resilience in children all children need resilience my kids needed it for real trauma other kids need it because they're facing such severe disadvantages and yesterday I visited a shelter and a program for homeless youths in Cincinnati I mean these kids have faced abuse and poverty and abandonment I mean they need so much more than Society and their and their families were able to give them and we have to step into that void and then for the everyday stuff we're not doing well in the math test for being made fun of its school and one of the most important things in raising resilient kids is teaching them they matter psychologists call it mattering your voice matters you have agency I will ask your opinion not doing too much for our children I am jumping right on the bandwagon against the helicopter parenting because I see this graduating into the workforce a friend of mine is at a law firm they have parents calling to arrange housing for their law school interns no no I tell my friends if you are emailing me to get your child a job we're going to decide we don't want your child's because your kid is in college and can't email him or herself don't do too much for your kids let them skin their knee let them fail let them do it on their own they will only build resilience that way [Music] now we have time for one more question but I know that there's lots more of you who have questions if you'll write them down and give them to up front to our collector then we'll try to get answers for you and get back to you so last question thank you for being here um as a young adult I watch the news and I see all the discrimination and awful things going on in the world and I was just wondering like how we can keep optimism and have faith that we can change things for the better I think on some days we can't write on some days whether it's personal death or terrorist attacks it feels overwhelming one of the things we do to build resilience particularly collective resilience community resilience resilience hope and I think we find it and we find it in ourselves and we find it in examples of others maybe the best Facebook post I ever wrote ever read and let's face it I've read a lot of Facebook posts was from a man named Antoine Liris he's a journalist in Paris and I've since had the honor of meeting him his wife died in the 2015 Paris terrorist attacks and two days after he lost his wife two days he got into Facebook and he wrote two days ago you took the love of my life the father of my child our child but you will not have my hate my 18 month old son and I will defy you every day by playing by freedom by not falling into hating you I think when we dig deep we find those examples where hope triumphs where love triumphs where joy triumphs we accept the moments where it doesn't and we hang on to the ones where it does and I think this institution is doing an enormous amount to do that for so many people and I'm really grateful Thank You Cheryl cherrylle on behalf of all of us I want to thank you I want to thank you for the technology that you brought but more importantly I want to thank you for the humanism that you brought to all of us insured with us thank you very much for being here our next speaker on the 19th of June will be the CEO of Microsoft Satya Nadella following that we will move into the fall and Ginni Rometty the CEO of IBM and then Kevin Plank who is the founder and CEO of Under Armour will be here in the fall and last but certainly not least dr. Martha Jay will be here he is the author and professor he wrote the Emperor of all maladies a biography of cancer and the Jean and intimate history thank you very much for being here and we'll look forward to seeing you in the next event thank [Applause] Oh

Channel: Cleveland Clinic

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Keywords: 2554, cleveland clinic, dr toby cosgrove, ideas for tomorrow, ideas for tomorrow speakers, ift, sheryl sandberg, sheryl sandberg facebook, sheryl sandberg interview, toby cosgrove, ideas for tomorrow cleveland clinic

Id: YPhxCbRnLH8

Length: 64min 47sec (3887 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 09 2017