I Want To Tell You But I Can't

what's something you want people to know about yourself but you can't tell anyone in real life my whole family is dead and i'm really alone i'd really just like it if you would have a drink or invite me over once in a while i have people i talk to i just want people to do stuff with i have stage four breast cancer and if the numbers are right i am going to die in the next few years i'm sick of hearing about how with enough hope your aunt's college roommate's cousin beat that and is still alive today i know that science is marching on i work for a university that does cancer research but i don't know if or how that will affect me so can we please talk about my will my funeral hospice care my last few months can we just assume that i won't be around in 2030 obviously i don't want to die but i also don't want to catch everyone unaware when it happens no matter what happens please make sure you do take care of all of those plans if you have time my mom passed away from cancer last month and her planning ahead with her will and everything helped my brother and i so much i don't know how we would have been able to handle it without her hope you still get better but you are a good person for wanting to prepare for the future i suffer terrible depression one day when i was feeling very very low and was contemplating suicide i called a suicide hotline they called the cops on me who took me to hospital in hospital i had all my belongings taken from me and was just put in a little ward there were about six beds and 12 patients so there were people sleeping on the floor nurses ignored you if you asked a question what time is it can i make a phone call they would pretend you weren't there if they wanted you to do something were extremely rude and would routinely call patients names and swear at them there was nothing to entertain you while you sat there for an indebted mind amount of time no radio no magazines no newspapers not even any chairs or a window to look out of i just spent the time sitting on the floor making paper planes out of pamphlets eventually they came and removed the pamphlets anyway when i got out i went to a depression sufferers meetup group and met a whole bunch of people who had similar experiences to me i got pretty mad and with their permission decided to take a bunch of stories to the hospital complaint department and lodge a formal complaint it took about a month of emails and phone calls to try and find the right person to talk to but i eventually did today seemed receptive and concerned and after i had said my peace i left it at that fast forward to about a month later there's a knock at my door and four police burst in with a sectioning order against me they threw me into a paddy wagon and carted me off back to the hospital of course no one would answer any questions as to why but i was able to call my parents this time who both have psychology degrees they busted me out saying they had no reason to keep me there and it was illegal to detain me if they let me go of course my parents and i pursued as much legal action as we could we found out i was detained due to them claiming my complaints were a symptom of paranoia we summarized that my complaint possibly threatened someone's job and they responded this way in retaliation ultimately by bringing this to the health department's attention i know a lot of people have been encouraged to take early retirement and the laws guidelines around bringing people in randomly like that have changed however we cannot take any legal action as simply it's the word of a health professional against yours that and the toll it was taking on my poor mum was too much but yeah obviously it's not something i go around telling people but the worst thing is when i do i get the sense that they just don't believe me i believe you and i'm so sorry that happened to you the fear of what would happen inside a psych ward is what kept my husband from pursuing the mental health care he needed for far too long thank you for your bravery in trying to fix the situation i saved people from having electronics deliveries and gift card credit card info stolen by my co-worker who commit fraud i ended up getting demoted because my manager was upset that i went to the security department instead of him to report fraud because he would have gotten a reward whenever i tell this story people tell me i should sue but virtually all of this was said in person or through company emails which i don't have access to i want people to tell me i did a good job without jumping down my throat about why i didn't pursue justice i couldn't afford a lawyer i didn't have proof myself and it was far more stress than a minimum wage job should bring you did the right thing and you should have gotten that reward i tend to put off doing literally anything that involves talking emailing to people like the amount of anxiety it gives me is insane i feel like i'm going to throw up or pass out or something because i think i'm doing something wrong or pee people off and then it kind of snowballs because i put things off cause of the anxiety but then it freaks me out more because i'm worried people think i'm stupid and irresponsible for procrastinating for so long which i am and that fact doesn't help like yesterday it took me two hours to write a one paragraph email to a teacher that i should have sent two weeks ago i hate it but i really don't know what i'm supposed to do about it my mother and absolute best friend took their own lives in different periods and i haven't appropriated myself the healing time and energy to deal with the trauma i allow myself to live as a hostage to the circumstances of what i have experienced alongside this i struggle with hearty depression that makes me think i'm not worth a dang thank you for taking the time to read this i can't admit it to anyone you are worth everything priceless in fact and i hope you will value yourself enough to get therapy or to reach out to someone for help 3. my work persona is near complete fabrication everyone thinks i'm a competent chipper extrovert who has their life together is great at math and is a driven self-starter who's always on time i'm actually a strong introvert with major depressive disorder and adhd major memory problems and difficulties with math time management and basic daily functioning who works very very very hard to hide all that every time people tell me that i'm a good person i always say i try but in reality i don't consider myself as one i just don't believe i am i often go on long bicycle rides and occasionally i would see a little stuffed animal on the side of the road or in a ditch and it would make me cry thinking that someone would toss something so cute out of their car like it didn't have feelings i would take them home and give them to my dog i blame the brave little toaster for my semi hoarding and tendency to anthropomorphize objects it's so dumb lol but i definitely form emotional attachments to things i'm not quiet because i'm shy or introverted i'm quiet cause i don't give a freak about a lot of things and i'm not in the mood to waste my energy this happens to me a lot i love to talk about interesting stuff i hate when people start talking about stupid crap i have an entire world going on in my mind just a story that i think about and add on to constantly it's not an escape or anything just something i've had going on since i was a kid the story is really long and complex but i've never told anyone because they'd probably think i'm crazy i used to have this but one day i just left and now i can't seem to find the way back in i'm not okay i'm not coping i am worried because i just feel dead inside but i have to be okay they are all dealing with their own stuff and can't deal with mine on top of it everyone has the right to help including you don't bury it forever i'm sad a lot and i feel like my friends really don't care about me very much i just feel like i don't fit in anywhere and that i'm not good at anything i feel this and see your pain you belong and have beauty inside you simply because you exist you're a unique being and will always be finding new places people and abilities that speak closely to yourself my mother doesn't understand the implications of what she says in a fight she normalized screaming matches and thinks it's okay to have a meltdown when she is upset she uses blackmail and gaslighting to make us feel inferior and guilty it's true that she has done a lot for us but that doesn't give her the right to tell us things that can negatively impact our mental health her worst line was you or your grandmother reincarnated this hurt a lot because my mom was abused by my grandmother for years she is the only woman my mother truly hates she went through both verbal and physical abuse and nearly died comparing me to her abuser because i was being an annoying teenager completely screwed up how i saw myself i hated myself for months and whenever i get into a fight with her i think about what she said again and again her words show you what kind of person she is not who you are some people cannot help but go too far to win an argument don't let her words wound you anymore know that they reflect her own flaws and failures not yours rise above give yourself permission to ignore what she says you are not the one who made her who she is and don't let her make you unto someone you are not i survived a suicide attempt last week just been going to work like normal since nothing changed nobody knows and that feels really really weird now we know and a big hug to you internet stranger you are still here your life matters i want to become an astrophysicist and astronomer with a phd to do research but i feel like nobody will believe in my abilities to do it you believing it is the most important thing once you get going others will catch on i have a lot of trauma in my life so i come off as abrasive rude rough all words that friends have told me i am but really i'm just sensitive and feel like i can't afford to be hurt anymore same slowly sinking boat my dad died in a drunk driving accident when i was 12 most everyone who knows me knows this i'm 29 now the person who killed him went to prison for 15 years it was also my fault he died i should have been with him but wasn't i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder severe anxiety ptsd ocd major depression and a slew of other mental illnesses over the years i've also lost so many people close to me since my dad i feel like i am cursed what most people don't know is i have never grieved my dad's death i can't talk to anyone about his death because it's been 17 years people think i should be over it by now i've been to multiple therapists and have tried to talk about it but i immediately start to disassociate when i talk about it i know this sounds insane but i feel like my family is just playing a sick joke on me he was a sport fisherman and loved alaska and mexico i feel like he is still out there i went to his funeral but i don't remember it i wish i would have been in the car with him and that guy that night either died with him or he had lived ever since he died i have always wished i could just be with him again i don't feel like i have any purpose on this earth i'm a 22 year old virgin who's never been in a relationship or even kissed someone it's not an uncommon circumstance on the internet lol but in the context of my life i feel like most people would be surprised to find out i feel like most people don't know unless they're one of the few close friends i've told or something i'm not super anti-social or really an introvert or anything i've always been a social guy with a decent amount of friends partied all the time in high school played sports all of that dumb crap even in college my social life has been pretty active i joined a few clubs including a fraternity when i was a freshman and before covered i went out drinking all of the time and went to parties pretty often i guess the point i'm trying to make is that most people probably assume i've been in a relationship because of the lifestyle i live i know many mature adults probably don't care and i could probably be more upfront about myself but it's just an awkward conversation to have so i've never really told most people when people talk about sex and stuff i usually just don't say anything or go smoke a sig i'm sure some more perceptive people have figured it out too on their own but like i said most adults don't really care about crap like that so it's never brought up i have an extremely crippling and paralyzing fear of death and the passage of time i am not especially religious but my brain can't cope with the concept that one day this all just ends i'm here now and then i'm gone forever i don't know how to make peace with that and i almost regret even typing it now because thinking about it to type it out is also anxiety inducing being in this sub which asks questions about what we think happens when we die can be triggering but i pull through you could change your definition of death to me being alive is more broadly having impact on the world even when we lose consciousness be a death sleep or otherwise we can still continue to have a significant impact i like to think that when i die the impacts of the things that have happened up until that point because of me will live on for a very long time if not forever i've attempted suicide three times in my life live through abusive parents and an abusive ex i have a really really hard time trusting people but i crave human interaction and i am lonely all the time what makes all this worse i'm a mental health professional i'm someone who gets paid to help others overcome these same problems i'm very successful in my job and recently got a major promotion because my clients had the best outcomes last year compared to other people in the same position i can help anyone but myself i've had a friend for about three years now we've talked a lot online neighboring countries and it seemed like it was becoming more than a friendship then suddenly she disappeared from the face of the earth no idea what happened first couple of weeks i just figured that's something she can do at times then it just became longer and longer started fearing she had died or something and there wouldn't be any way for me to know then a week ago i heard she's indeed fine and for some reason just started ignoring me wish i knew why if she just didn't feel like talking anymore or if there's something else because of this i've been very depressed lately first for thinking she might be dead and then because i have no idea why she just disappeared on me got wasted one night and wrote the note before passing out it's not like i wanna die when i'm sober but those thoughts have definitely crept up on me lately i'm not compatible with a lot of people and after my previous exit didn't feel like i'd end up finding anyone before her i don't know life isn't about finding the perfect partner i guess but it would be nice to be a bit less lonely one i can't smell stuff but i've gotten so i can feel the texture of the air when i breathe if you can't taste you can still tell what the food is like from the texture so i tell people that i can't smell anything but whenever i say i smell something they tell me i'm lying so i just keep quiet about it two i've been atheist since i was nine i'll tell my parents when i'm in college and have a place but i still live with them and they'd kick me to the curb if they knew three that i stay up till 3 5 a.m every night but i still get enough sleep to get through the day hey i love writing fan fiction and i had a furry face no share is ever an oops thank you for your vulnerability friend i have a crush on a team led at work and have for over a year now she's made me laugh and smile so many times and i wish i could tell her how i feel but i haven't because of the power difference fear of getting a harassment claim just from sharing those feelings fear of getting told the same thing i'm told each time i confess to a crush and lastly anxiety things were turned south at work right after i regularly go out of my way to buy food for people suffering from homelessness who are begging in front of grocery stores while i barely make the end of the month myself i can't tell people because i don't want what other people think of me as a result of this to be the motivation that's such a nice thing to do you sound like a really good person i can't read people i don't get certain emotions facial expressions or social cues i feel like i'm broken i'm often blunt when i speak and unconsciously hurt people with my words i have a very hard time making friends and people often describe me using the word weird i feel like everyone else just fits in and i'm the outsider looking in it's incredibly isolating and there isn't a day that goes by where i don't think about how very alone and unlike everyone else i am i'm autistic too and it sucks i wouldn't say i can't tell anyone ira but for some reason i just have a really hard time talking about my problems literally at all with people probably the biggest right now is that my mental health recently jumped off a cliff and i think i may have developed a serious problem with anxiety that's making it hard to function i stopped taking my meds cold turkey four days ago antidepressants chemo iron pills all of it i'm ready for the inevitable i'm not scared to die anymore please please take care of yourself and please talk to someone you're worth it that i have microed in a link and it's had a severe impact on my life it's not like there is a cure for it so i just keep it to myself and cry cry a lot my family buried my father today after he passed away from covered this past thursday a few hours ago one of my best friends felt the need to confess to me that they're cheating on their spouse and when i said i didn't believe them they sent me hookup picks for proof that they weren't lying i just want to scream because i can't talk to anyone about this in my life in wtf could you not have waited a few days or just a few weeks longer to tell me instead you tell me within hours of me burying my father and while i'm already struggling mentally frick you freak you i'm so sorry for your loss and yeah frick that friend don't know what they were thinking very messed up timing my birthmark is a massive red spot on my butt like seriously it looks like someone slapped my boss really hard but it's just my birthmark i still don't know if i was raped or not or what to do about it i was dating him for a few weeks and we were getting it on consensually in the beginning but i heard his roommate's kid crying it was a big turn off because i was now worried about a kid he kept having his fun and when i looked in his eyes something was missing he wasn't there i stopped moving told him i wasn't interested told him he was scaring me he kept going until i pushed him off of me his response was that he wanted a kid and he knew i wouldn't give him one if he asked i always worry that i am remembering the events incorrectly or that maybe because it started consensually that it's still consensual i don't know what to say about it or do about it this was years ago consent can be revoked at any point at any time for any reason i was groomed by a grown man for years when i was a teenager it took me years into adulthood to realize what exactly happened i physically cannot talk about it with anyone placing it here is a beautiful first step i'm sure there are many who can relate to what you feel now with your new realizations and acknowledgments of your experience sending you strength friend ever since i was a child before i understood it i got turned on by watching reading about violent things in fiction i still do i don't get aroused by normal p or sexy models never had a crush but i get wet reading about torture i was pretty conservative and rule abiding and while i heard about bdsm i never consider myself actually doing anything so even though now i am more liberal i still can't picture myself being a part of that subculture as an adult i found out say domesticism is more common than i thought some of my friends actually know but it's more of an awkward thing to admit than anything it's tmi but i just wish i can just admit something like that freely with no judgment same i've admitted it once and it really freaked him out he thought i was crazy i would love to tell people all about my writing i love writing as a hobby and could go on for hours about every detail of my book which is the problem if someone offers to listen then i will talk to them for hours about it and won't talk about anything else which makes them bored so they start avoiding me i will soon listen to you i have so many story ideas and stuff so hmu if you wanna chat and totally no doubt about characters that no one else even knows about i'm pretty privileged in every way but i'm horribly depressed and my only passion is loving the people around me i just don't know what to do anymore so please stop trying to help me just let me figure you out and love you if you're a good friend to me i'm loyal to the death i don't like to indicate that to people i will because everybody takes advantage i feel so unloved and alone that i stopped taking my thyroid and antidepressant medication because i just don't care anymore or see any point in being around i've been self-harming but my boyfriend is so disinterested in sex with me or my body that he hasn't noticed please reach out to someone for help i know it's scary but someone in your family or a friend you can even send a text or write a note if it makes it easier tell your boyfriend too maybe he will be supportive and help you i know life is super tough right now but therapy or just feeling heard can help i'm really really struggling right now and as much as i don't want to rely on my friends with therapy being a month away i feel like i'm going to lose the little self-control i haven't just end everything please stay alive in ninth grade my aunt who lives with my fam kept pestering me about what i ate to the point i decided to not eat or eat as little around her for a whole year i got anorexia that i only dragged myself out of because of encouragement from a secret online friend my family never knew they just thought teenager being moody and i hide the nights of intense hunger and near-death feeling i can never tell them i wish people knew to know what i've experienced and how awful my aunt really is nearly four years ago i was working in a third world country and my motorcade struck someone most likely killing them it caused a downward spiral emotionally and led to a deep depression i wasn't able to figure all this out in my head and kept it inside eventually led to my wife of nine years leaving four months later i lost my best friend to cancer followed by my father two months after that i've since started counseling and it's helped but i lose sleep over it to this day lost all interest in things i love i lived my three biggest fears i don't feel like the person i was before i fear i've already lived the happiest days of my life i'm the guy that people come to with their problems however i am incredibly lonely most of my family died over a period of about 10 years and i choose to have very few friends due to the fear that stems from seeing so much lot in my life whenever people include me and stuff they have no clue how much good it does me and i'll never tell them as i don't want them to feel the need to ask me to join them out of pity i think about running away a lot i'm 25 have a wonderful husband and for the most part my life good but i just can't shake this feeling that i don't belong here like i'm meant to be doing something different in a completely different place some days it hits me harder than others this overwhelming feel of letting my youth and opportunities escape me while sitting on the couch passively allowing it i look like i have it all together on the outside i'm a freshly minted julia doctor and i'm doing a decent job so far but really i'm pretty miserable and sick of life if i didn't have family and a handful of friends that care about me i'd have a crack at killing myself i relate to this i often think of how few reasons i have to stay alive parents and a sibling but those who are deeply meaningful reminding myself too that if i can try to stay in the flow of life it can take me new unexpected places that might just end up being another thing to create more meaning if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video bye for now

Channel: UE Stories

Views: 58,917

Keywords: want to tell you, want to tell you something, want to tell, cant tell me nothing, secret, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2021, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh

Id: gohYYA7e7AM

Length: 26min 2sec (1562 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 14 2021