As a writer for The Infographics Show, a lot
of my work is pretty research heavy – from finding out the properties of rare poisons,
to the weapons favoured by soldiers in the Turkish military. So, when I got a new assignment from my Infographics
Show overlords that said “Play GTA V Online”, I was elated. As someone who’s already a big fan of the
hit franchise that essentially lets you roleplay as a complete sociopath in a lovingly detailed
cityscape, this felt like the perfect assignment for me. That’s when I saw the fine print, and my
heart dropped. “Play GTA V online…as a normal person.” That means no murder, no theft, no crazy missions
– and honestly, no crimes more severe than tearing the tag out of your new mattress. Seems easy enough, right? Wrong! Anyone who’s played GTA V online will tell
you it’s basically like The Purge, complete with heavy weaponry and goofy costumes. If you’re not in a crew – which, as a
normal person, I couldn’t be – it’s basically a kill-or-be-killed, battle royale
free-for-all. Still, orders are orders, and I began my mundane
GTA V Online journey in the simplest way I could imagine: Getting myself a makeover. In the beautiful city of Los Santos, appearance
is everything, so it made sense to make my first port of call getting myself a fashionable
new outfit. First order of business is Ponsonby’s, GTA’s
resident up-market clothes store, for a tasteful designer shirt and slacks combo – the uniform
of middle-class white dads everywhere. As I select my clothes, I notice other players
speeding by outside in what look like neon-coloured Ferraris, exchanging gunfire. Normally, I’d run out, guns blazing, and
join in. But no, thanks to my Infographics bosses,
I’m playing the goody two shoes version of this game. I’m not even carrying any loaded weapons
on my person, just for extra realism. Thankfully, the two yahoos outside are too
busy blasting each other to notice me. With my threads looking fine, I decide all
I need now to make that perfect Los Santos first impression is a killer haircut. And I don’t just go anywhere for this haircut
– I go to the high-end Bob Mulét salon up in Rockford Hills, the best place for a
fancy-schmancy new do. When I have a style that I think best suits
my charming personality, I’m finally ready to venture out and take on the world. But as soon as I step out onto the streets
of Rockford Hills, I’m greeted by a man in his underwear, wearing a rubber monkey
mask. His gamer tag reads “N00BSLAYER3000”. And, of course, he’s carrying a claw hammer. Normally I’d pull out my own weapon and
engage, but not this time, chief. I turn and prepare to start button mashing,
hoping I’d at least be able to lose the monkey man, but no such luck. Before I even really got a chance to start
running, Monkey Man was on my rear. Before I could even engage my headset to tell
him I was a writer for The Infographics Show researching for a video, he’d already brained
me with the hammer. The familiar “WASTED” sign flashed up
on the screen, and I knew I was in for a rough session. Still, in the world of GTA V, it takes more
than death to keep a good writer down. As soon as I respawned, I made a mental note
to personally track down Noob Slayer next time I was playing this for real, and continued
with my research. As the name suggests, driving is a huge part
of the game. But, seeing as I can’t steal a car like
any other player would, I invest in a modest Schafter Sedan. It definitely isn’t the fastest car in the
game, but it handles well, and without a criminal empire behind me, I can’t exactly afford
to blow a million on a new ride. Of course, as I drive around scenic Los Santos,
I obey all the traffic laws of the land. Never once do I speed, or merge illegally,
or even run a red light. It seems that things are actually going well
for once, as there’s an almost comforting rhythm to colouring in the lines when it comes
to cruising around town. I’m at a stop light in Downtown LS, watching
the pedestrians cross in front of me, when I suddenly hear a heavy rumbling coming from
behind. This…can’t be good. Just was I was swivelling my camera to see
what all the commotion was about; I saw a tank approaching behind me. This time, driven by “FoYoMama69X420.” Great. Wonderful. Even if I was playing offensively, a tank
would be a challenge, but playing as a normal person, I was basically a sitting duck. If only those traffic lights could go green
in the nick of time, I might be able to stage a cunning, last-minute escape, but no luck. I let out a sigh and rubbed my eyes as FoYoMama’s
tank fired an explosive round that blew myself and several of the cars and pedestrians around
me to kingdom come. Yep, you guessed it: WASTED. Once I’d revived and collected the insurance
pay out from my devastated personal vehicle, I decided that I needed some time away from
the violence-filled urban sprawl where I’d just been blown to smithereens. Instead, I wanted to take a relaxing drive
up into the slopes of Mount Chiliad – the tallest mountain in Los Santos. Hopefully there’d be a lower population
density, and fewer fellow players who’d be eager to bust a cap or two into my behind. Scenic natural environments and not being
murdered in cold blood? That’s a win-win situation in my book, buddy. It was creeping into dusk as I drove up the
winding roads of Mount Chiliad in my newly unexploded Schafter Sedan. The sky was beautiful, the world around me
was quiet and serene. It was just me, my car, and the mountain. Which is why, when I heard the sudden roar
of jet engines up above me, I knew something was horribly wrong. Suddenly, I was skidding from side to side
as the ground around me was lit up by a volley of intense machine gun fire. All in all, my evasive manoeuvres served me
pretty well, as my hardy sedan only took some minor shots from the P-996 LAZER fighter jet
that was chasing me down. I was naively hopeful enough that I thought
I might even survive this tense encounter, when the flying turd – whose gamer tag,
by the way, was “Swag Killer” – let off an air-to-surface missile. The resulting explosion lit up the mountain,
and what was left of me could probably be scraped off the mountain road with a toothbrush. Once again: WASTED. All for trying to take a nice drive through
nature. Getting constantly murdered for just trying
to live a normal life was really starting to run up my medical bills, and because we
can’t even escape capitalism in video games, I needed at least something that resembled
a real-life job. Problem was, outside of playing the real estate
mogul – which I really didn’t have the money for – all the standard money-making
methods in GTA V Online are criminal in nature. But, I’m not a writer at The Infographics
Show for nothing – Not having a vanilla job just opened up an opportunity to get creative. And by creative, I mean I started offering
a taxi service. Is this an official feature of GTA V online? No. But a number of players had taken up the habit
of using a local garage to mod their car yellow, and add a taxi service insignia. With that, I began pulling up alongside fellow
players in the game, honking my horn, and offering them a ride. They would then either hop on mic, or send
me a text message, telling me exactly where they wanted to go. It was honest, normal work for an honest,
normal GTA V player. Well, it was – until two players dressed
as clowns decided to take a ride in the back of my makeshift cab. In my heart, part of me knew this was going
to end badly, but my average joe character probably wouldn’t. That’s why I obliged them in their request
to be driven out to Sandy Shores in the dead of night, where they were headed for unknown
reasons. A ride’s a ride, so I took them there, and
aside from a few moments where they leaned out the windows and blasted a few pedestrians
with Micro-SMGs, it was a pretty chill journey. Until, of course, we reached our destination. At that point, the two clowns exited the vehicle. Rather than thanking me, one of them pulled
me out of the driver’s seat and punched me in the face with brass knuckles. Before I could even turn on my headset to
give the duo a few choice words that I can’t repeat here if we want to keep the monetisation
on this video, it was already over. The other clown had thrown down a Molotov
cocktail and set me ablaze. They then detonated my humble taxi with a
grenade as I burned to death in the sand. WASTED. And that was my last day in the taxi business,
too. This may have been “Grand Theft Auto”,
but I wasn’t feeling too grand, theft was prohibited, and I was getting really sick
of automobiles. That’s why I ditched the car entirely, and
decided to instead partake in some wholesome, normal, physical activities. The coastal city of Los Santos has the gorgeous
Vespucci Beach, where you could exercise, sunbathe, or even go for a swim. I decided to do just that, and explore the
wonderful detail of the underwater environments just off the coast. There were jet skis zipping around up above
the water, but they weren’t paying me any mind. Until one stopped, and the driver jumped down
into the water. I figured “Maybe they just wanted to explore
too”, until they started making a beeline towards me, swimming straight down to my location,
holding a knife. I was already running a little short on air,
so I had nowhere to go but up – straight into the path of their slashing blade, turning
me into Los Santos Sushi. I was WASTED before I even hit the surface. So, the sea proved to be a hazardous no-go-zone. I decided instead to revisit my old enemy:
Mount Chiliad, hoping to hike up to its highest peak and take a selfie to commemorate the
moment. And it was indeed a challenging hike, making
my way up the mountain’s treacherous slopes, constantly paranoid that another player would
sneak up and slaughter me again. But thankfully, nobody was even nearby on
the map when I reached the peak. It was a glorious sense of victory for my
little GTA V Online Normal Guy, and the victory selfie would be even sweeter. So, I turned on the camera and framed up the
shot with a nice big smile. Problem was, I wasn’t the only person framing
up a shot. Far away down the mountain, too far for me
to even really register them as a threat, another player was locking my head in the
sights of their heavy sniper rifle. Right as I was about to take my shot, they
took theirs, and my head was practically blown off my shoulders before I even had a chance
to take a picture. WASTED. After getting wasted again and again and again,
I decided it was time to get…well, wasted. Seeing as I’d died more times than Sean
Bean, I felt like this Normal Guy had earned himself a drink. I sauntered on down to the nearest GTA Online
strip club to admire some of the local sights, and most importantly, get hammered with shot
after shot after shot. By the time I felt like my character had had
enough, he was stumbling out of the bar, the world all blurry around him, camera shaking. I hadn’t even had a drop in real life, and
I was starting to feel light-headed just looking at him. That’s when I saw a floating shape in the
distance. For a second, I thought I must’ve been seeing
things, or going crazy, as what appeared to be a flying DeLorean car was speeding towards
me through the shaking sky. Had I accidentally wandered into Back To The
Future? No, as it turns out, this was just another
player – once again, the dreaded N00BSLAYER3000 – driving a Deluxo flying car straight towards
me. I was a little too drunk to even attempt running
away, so when one of the car’s advanced homing missiles swooped in and blew me straight
to hell, it honestly felt almost merciful. WASTED. So, that concluded my journey into trying
to live a normal life on GTA V Online. What have we learned from our little adventure? Well, in this irritated Infographics Show
writer’s humble opinion, GTA Online is a hell of a lot more fun when you can shoot
back. Check out “What if You Woke Up As An NPC
in GTA 5 Online” for more wacky adventures in Los Santos, and “Why The Most Expensive
Video Game Ever Will Never Be Released” for more insane video game facts!
