Dissociative Identity Disorder, once called Multiple Personality Disorder, is a disorder in which a person alternates between one or more alternate personalities that function with separate memory and awareness and adapt with amnesia between them. The first detailed account of D.I.D can be traced back to 1791 when a German woman began speaking perfect French and behaving like a French aristocrat despite never having learned French or even having been to France. Although appearing extremely rare to the general public, It's estimated that between one to three percent of the global population may have this disorder. My name is Anthony Padilla and today i'm gonna be sitting down with people who dissociate into fragmented identities to learn the truth behind this heavily misunderstood disorder. Does D.I.D access hidden capabilities and skills within the brain allowing people to harness brain power in a way others simply aren't capable of? Or, does it keep them feeling bogged down and Restricted from participating in normality? Are they openly proud of their disorder? Or, has the media's portrayal of D.I.D forced them to live a life of alienation and solitude, too worried of what their presence will unleash in others? Hi, Amanda! Hi, The Redwoods! Nin! Hi! Thank you so much for coming out and teaching me about the wondrous world of Dissociative Identity Disorder. Anthony there's so much to learn. What do you consider yourself? Someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder? Someone with multiple alters? Yeah, just someone with D.I.D. We identify first as 'we', and we identify as multiple. Sometimes we say we have D.I.D, sometimes we say we're plural, but multiple is the main word that we use. I consider myself being part of a D.I.D system; So you could say 'somebody with Dissociative Identity Disorder', or if you wanted to refer to us collectively It would be saying that I'm part of a 'system of alters'. Can you explain what having D.I.D entails? Yeah So... having D.I.D means that as a child your personality was unable to fully develop into one singular personality. Everybody as a child starts off with an un-integrated personality, and around the ages of between seven to nine in normal development. But if there is repeated or severe trauma before that age, then the brain can say 'woah, I can't deal with this, this cannot be my life and we would not be able to survive if I was aware of this.' So this trauma, along with the ability to dissociate to a high level and and having disorganized attachments to your primary caregivers, prevents one personality from fully integrating because the amnesia that goes up to keep that trauma away. And that's why if you have D.I.D you have multiple personalities, rather than one singular one. For us like when we first started figuring it out someone who thought they were the only person for like a long time, right?
(A: Right) Like as most people think 'oh I'm just the only person in this body.' (A: cuz that's the norm) that's what people would identify with "normal" Right, right they're like, yeah, of course There's only one person, right? And you start to think like what could this be? Am I possessed? whoa, you thought you were possessed?!? i wasn't- I didn't think I was 'possessed', but I definitely wasn't gonna talk about it with anyone in case I maybe was possessed! [laughs] Ya that's the last thing you want people to know, if that's true! Yeah, yeah! I actually googled 'spirit possession' when it got really strong
(A: Woah) yeah, yeah fortunately this was like 2012 (A: Yeah) there was some article that was like 'spirit possession versus Dissociative Identity Disorder' And I was like looking at that and I went to a therapist and they were like, 'yep'. Were you were you stoked that you were not possessed by a spirit? R: Uhmm... I don't know. Do you feel comfortable saying how many alters you have? Mhm! At last count, which was actually about two weeks ago, I had 22 I think (A: 22!) mhm We're nine people living in one body. So we went from three to nine over like (A: yeah) Seven years. I have 16, so there's 17 of us total. ranging from age four to eternal Eternal! Eternal, she's really cool! A: Woah!! She's really really cool. Woah, do you show her frequently? Uhmm she fronts... occasionally; She's the caretaker, so she takes care of the littles in our heads, and then occasionally she'll come out to take care of me if I'm not doing so well...
(A: uhum) umm So she... she kind of fronts in the sidelines and behind the scenes more. First off, do you prefer to be referred to as a single or plural? Well, it depends who you're talking to; if you're talking about me as in me the person sat in front of you talking to you with my personality, then it's me one person as Nin. But, if I was let's say Co-con... so there was more than one person essentially in the driving seat Then it would be 'we', more than one person. How might a normal day be different for you? Who wants to answer this question? So this is... this is Z. Z: So it was like a combination of Alie and Eliza talking before. We can kind of blend sometimes So when we first came into what we would call Co-consciousness and that's a pretty common term Which is the shared experience of kind of being able to talk to each other A lot of people don't have that and they're basically like coordinating in the dark with someone who's not there when they're there. (A: mm-hmm) and so like, you might be doing something and then come back and It's three days or three weeks later and your life has been lived and all kinds of stuff is happening. I have a friend who would be heading one place and then someone would switch and then they'd head back home and then they'd switch and head back and forth and it would take like four hours to get out of that loop until the same person came back and was like 'No, we're actually going here' And what they learned to do, is to text themselves or leave notes on their iPhone and read those and so it's kind of when you come to the front and you feel disoriented (A: Yeah) you can read those notes It's almost like having amnesia and leaving notes for yourself. Yes. No, it's it's called Dissociative Amnesia is like basically the term for that I was in the bath. I just switched out So I had no memory of what happened before, I didn't remember getting in the bath 'cause it wasn't me. it was my alter Kyle who's my primary protector and... [laugh] He'd apparently decided that he wanted a snack while he was in the bath. And there was just this half-eaten banana [Both laughing] On like the shampoo holder and I was like And I was like 'what? Why?!? That's disgusting!' So you just realize that you are in a bathtub with a half-eaten banana? Yeah, like like peeled... it was pretty beautifully presented actually
(A: ohhh) How do you feel about the the different labels in terms of personality, alters, identities, Multiple? Yeah, there are a lot of people who don't like the term 'personality' because when a lot of people think of personality they think of like how you act in a certain situation so some people When I told them about D.I.D in its most basic terms They said like 'I have a completely different personality when I'm at work and then I come home and I'm a different person!' And it's like, I completely understand what you're saying. (A:Yeah yeah) But it's kind of different when it comes to D.I.D. So some people feel that the term personality isn't quite encompassing or serious enough. I don't mind the term personality But the... the term that's generally used in the community and the scientific kind of side of things is 'alters' because it stands for ultimate state of identity So that's what what we prefer to use- before we learn more about the wondrous world of dissociative identity disorder I wanted to take a quick moment to thank you all so much for suggesting this video topic I find the discrepancy between facts about D.I.D and the negative stigma surrounding it to be so incredibly Massive that it's super important, I feel, to cover a topic like this and allow the community to speak for themselves So thank you so much. And of course, thank you to the D.I.D community as well for trusting me to Cover a sensitive topic like this one. That's all I wanted to say now back to learning about the wondrous world of dissociative identity disorder A: When did you first realize that you have D.I.D? Well, it was almost exactly a year ago. Oh so it was pretty recent then Yeah So I was having a panic attack and I kind of felt myself as a consciousness retreat to the back of my own mind so I was watching everything from behind and there was just... nothing there In 2012... Hmm... (Eliza:) Yeah, so, this is- hum, switch, right there. So, that was Alli talking, but then, like, Alli... pulled away, because this is Eliza. I was the one who was there and thought I was the only one, hum, so... yeah I thought I was a boy and I thought I was one person pretty standard [laughs] like, expectation That's how I grew up E: Right, yeah, and then I just have this like weird triggering confrontation with a stranger basically what I understand is that I had a whole System of covering up all of this a whole like strategy and everything but I was so busy dealing with family member with cancer, personal life stress, housing stress, and then this sudden Trigger, it crumbled. (A:Yeah), and there was Alli and Z. How di- how did you feel once you realized? Yeah, that I wasn't the only one here? (A:Yeaah) Uhmm. So the first feeling was actually overwhelming love and joy, I was crying (A: oh you felt good about it) i was like- it was like a family reunion with these other parts of myself, other characters but like protagonists in my life how D.I.D works is The person who fronts the most often, the host, is generally the one who is kept unaware Other alters can be unaware too, but the brain is built like that. That's why D.I.D exists You're not supposed to know you have D.I.D Right that's its entire purpose (Nin: exactly) So if somebody then comes to you and says, 'hey, you've got this' your brain is gonna go 'w h o a h! NO, you can't know about this.' This is the whole way we've lived our life in order to survive I was seen by the crisis team after a suicide attempt and she asked me to fill in some questions and This one had been a little different from the others and it was my first real kind of communication with One of my alters Kyle, my primary protector the, banana guy The banana guy (laughing) He's gonna HATE me for that He's gonna watch this later and be like 'yeah no we needa talk about that' (Nin: 'yeah that's who I am now, the banana guy) And He basically saved my life Uhm After this, and I could hear him talking to me and it was the first time that I actually kind of wasn't like, okay Yeah, so this is my inner voice. (A: Yeah) That's what I thought it was everybody else says like You know, your inner voice you talking to yourself and this lady in the crisis team was like have you ever heard voices? Before this I wouldn't not have given that a second thought I've been asked that before and was like not no no, no Definitely not- (A:yeah) it was very much like a man's voice. It didn't sound like it was coming externally again It wasn't exactly like a voice- (A: it was an interpretation?) Yeah, but it was very different from mine. And he was like, ''I'm gonna be with you the whole time We're gonna be fine. You can do this'' and was like ''you need to lie on your stomach, now'' and I was like ''what'' and was just Pretty much shutting down at this point and I was watching everything happen as if I was across the room you had an out-of-body experience almost? Yeah, it's part of dissociating It's called derealization when you don't experience What's happening in your life or the world around you as real? It feels like a dream I have experienced that many times in my life because I've had severe panic attacks
(Nin: Yeah) and in those moments, it feels like my body goes numb. I feel like I'm able to see Myself and my actions from a third-party perspective (N: yeah) And.. I've almost felt crazy because I feel like there's a- there's me, and then there's a me inside my head noticing my outside actions Uh-huh. That's derealization, you're dissociating from yourself because it's a traumatic situation if you're having a panic attack you are It's trauma. It's traumatic Do you ever experience, for example, like, you're recording something on camera, and then you look back at it later and you are just then realizing for the first time what occurred on camera? I did have a little while where I was like, I don't ever want anybody to see me like that But it was coming to terms with That's not you and that's why it's okay and if people are looking at my alter in this body and saying 'that's Nin', then they're denying that other alter's existence and I have to stop thinking from the point of view that this is my body. I'm the only one who deserves to be here this is only going to be my life forever (A:mhm) because... They've always been there, or most of them have always been there. They have a life and feelings and wants and dreams of their own They have experienced terrible things for me and kept me safe from terrible things Why in the world should the fact that we've experienced terrible things and suffered be another reason that we should have to suffer? Do each of your alters have names? they all have names, ages... and literally the personalities (A:yeah) Umm... They're all very distinct. How do they end up receiving names? Oh, they tell me their names (A: Oh, really?) And I have no idea where they come up with some of them, because I'm like 'this is not something I would have ever thought of-' like, 'what? Where did that come from?' Like one of my alter's name is freedom (A: freedom!) Yes! Does that alter represent freedom in any way? I mean she- her first name was pain and then she switched it to freedom.
(A: Oh, okay...) A- a very literal... uh, naming system (Amanda: Yeah) Yeah, so, it was for her. Some of my- My protector's name is Brad Oh that very normal (Amanda: yeah) name not protector but, name is Brad Yes, the protector, his role is a protector for us, and his name is Brad. Do you consider having D.I.D a hindrance in your day-to-day life? Even normal things like going out to a coffee shop or going out to the zoo, Whenever me and my partner, who also has D.I.D, try and do something nice... I don't think there's ever been an occasion where one of us hasn't been triggered It's hard to do things that are simple like walking around shopping centers because certain things can be positive triggers
(A: Yeah) Which can encourage certain alters to front. For example, if we will pass a toy store it's... an immediate [snaps finger] positive trigger for our littles A: Oh, its a good- good trigger, then Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean that it's safe for a little to suddenly be walking around, they're a child so they, the brain essentially split off in some circumstances, will have split off and separated that area of life, those experiences So while they still have access to an adult brain and will be able to understand adult concepts and be able to use adult words The way they process things is still the mind of a child So they probably won't know where they are. They'll likely get scared I don't know where the body's going to be when I come back to. somebody could take them Yes, we're in an adult body but adults get taken places too. You know? (A: Yeah, yeah) if you are in- [sigh] It is frightening not to have control and not to have memory, because you don't know what's happened that sounds terrifying. It is terrifying. I don't have all of the brain power I don't have all the body batteries like some of it is Ally some of it is Z So it's not- each- each person doesn't have 100% within their own... yeah I mean like it's 100% its hard, like, they're a hundred percent of themselves But in terms of managing the body, I do feel like, on a somatic level or like a body energy level, like, we have each different connections to different pathways in the brain and in the body like I feel more Sensation in certain parts of my body and then if Alli comes to the front and I go away Alli's gonna feel something differently. She might even taste something differently oh whoa yeah, and like different people have some food preferences based on that But unfortunately, we don't get to explore a lot of that because it's hard to go into a restaurant and be like 'hey There's actually nine of us eating. Can you give us like this order and this order, please?'
(A: 'just a sampler, please') Do you proudly tell people that you have D.I.D or is that something that's more of a secret? I wouldn't call it a secret (A: right) I mean, you know... you're here in front of the world Yes, but there have been- I am careful, because there have been times I've told people who have Completely retreated from my life just because the stigma is around it. One of my alters She's my 16 year old has purposely told people we have it to push people away
(A: Ohh) Amanda: when she didn't like them So it's a defense mechanism Amanda: It is! It can be, for her it is Hum... For some of us it's better to not say I'm trying very hard to stay in my body (A: yeah, yeah) Nin: I'm sorry If you need to take a moment, it's totally cool. I'm just.. [mumbling] (mumbling) switchy, sorry. (A: Yeah, no worries. Take your time. We got plenty of time like I was saying) Nin: It's hard. A: Yeah, I know it's hard, but you- you're so strong, because he flew all the way out here, and... mhm (A: mhm, and it's okay to feel these things cuz) (A: Yeah, like I said, you're here to talk about it) You wanna take a quick moment? Sorry what? You wanna take a quick moment offstage? Kyle: No, I'm here now, sorry, hi It's Kyle, nice to meet you (A: Hello Kyle!) Good to meet you. 'Course we're wearing a **** skirt A: Yeah, [laughs] you're not cool with the skirt? No, not really [both laugh]
Kyle: bit uncomfortale I see you tryna to cover it (Kyle: yeah, stop lookin at my legs) You don't approve of Nin's choice? I mean I prefer not to be in it, right? I mean cool looks great on her whatever (A: yeah) I'm sure we look cute as hell, but... A: Yeah, yeah Kyle: I wouldn't personally choose- [laughs] A: You wouldn't personally choose it
K: Yeah, exactly A: Do you mind continuing this interview? K: No, no, I'm good. (A: Okay) I know why we're here Do you proudly tell people that you have D.I.D or is that something that you keep more of a secret? Depends on the person. Like, if it's... a professional situation, or something where if somebody does have like Stigma around it or is very... I don't know, like, not open to it or... a little bit oppressive around it, that could be like seriously damaging to whatever we're trying to do (A: Yeah, yeah)
Sometimes it's just safer to like not say anything. What's the most annoying question you get about D.I.D? Honestly, the one that bothers me the most is 'who's the real one?' Because that really is that We're all real, though, and also... Like 'oh well psychologists don't believe D.I.D. exists.' Yeah, they do. It's been like in the DSM and the ICD, but it's in there like it's recognized Worldwide, it's a treatable disorder, with, you know A known cause and there's a **ton of medical evidence behind it like people have been in cat-scans and brain scans and stuff and switch while they're in there and you can literally see different parts of The brain lighten up. How do you feel about the way D.I.D is portrayed in pop culture? Like split and Mr. Robot.? Mr. Robot is one of the more interesting like kind of positive ones Split was actually like what drove me into plural activism because I was like not planning on talking about it What's sad about that movie is like James McAvoy said in an interview in Good Morning America, I think, that he watched a lot of YouTube videos by multiples to understand the role But that he couldn't find anyone to talk to to study for the role so it kind of feels like a form of stealing because he took those kind of Interesting physical portrayals that kind of were accurate, maybe pushed, but then use them to represent a really awful Situation that I won't even describe without even understanding The nuance behind it. (Yeah) I think it offends me It's offensive? we're Scared people often, we're not monsters. We're not out to get people, we're most often hiding from monsters We had this friend right and after we told them we had D.I.D - this was Chloe at the time (their host) - and they were walking and Chloe said 'I'm sorry. I'm getting switchy. I might switch' - and this was like the first time this friend had seen them, and they like- They looked really scared and they literally moved away and they said 'it's not going to be a murderer, is it?' Like, she was 100% serious. She was like 'are they gonna hurt me? Do I need to be like Do- do I need to be, like, be scared?'
A: Was her only exposure to D.I.D through things like Split? I don't know, but we've also had comments on our channel, like, of people saying that teachers have used Split to educate their students about D.I.D as in like, this is an example of D.I.D, like- A: How - how do you feel about that? It's bollocks!! Ugh, it's ridiculous. It is so damaging like there are some stuff it gets right like yeah It's done through trauma yeah there can be protectors and persecutors, but we're not superheroes There's no beasts. We ain't going to hurt you. We aint gonna kidnap you like people with D.I.D aren't created with D.I.D it's developed because of trauma We are no more likely to be dangerous than any other member of society and in most cases we are less likely because of what we've been through most people are more likely to return to the situation of being a victim or Being abused rather than an abuser. What do you think the biggest misconception is surrounding D.I.D? I think there's the idea that it's purely dysfunctional, that it's obviously miserable I've definitely had my rough days, weeks, months, years
(A: But it's not constant?) It's gotten better. And I think that's the part that we don't tell. Kyle: A lot of people think that it's really rare But it- the same percentage of people who have ginger hair have D.I.D. What is that? 1 to 3%? 1 to 3% Yeah Which means it's as common as bulimia, more common than schizophrenia, you either haven't known it or you ain't known it, if they don't want you to know, you won't *** know. If there's anyone watching who has D.I.D, but maybe is Uncomfortable or experiencing fear about the idea of letting people know, due to the negative stigma and judgement, is there anything that you'd want to say to them? You're not alone, a lot of folks experience being many people, parts, alters, identities in one body. It's ok if it's hard sometimes the world isn't set up for us to have an easy time as folks of D.I.D Like, I'm dissociating now (A: Take your time, let me know whenever you're ready) (Little alter): I wanted to answer the question You can answer it! (Little: Oh No) let me know when you want me to ask (Little: there's somebody else here, I'm sorry) oh, no problem *Literally the sweetest purest smile in the entire world* Hi :) (A: Hi!) How you doin? Oh good (A: good) D'you want me to set you up with a question again? Do you wanna answer this? Mmm, do you want me to explain you what's going on? We're in the middle of an interview about D.I.D. We have D.I.D :D *Oh my god they're the cutest thing in the world please protecc* Yes, you do. (Little: Yeah) and that's what you're here to talk about. (Little: Yeah!) do you feel comfortable talking about D.I.D? Mm-hmm. (A:Yeah?) Mm-hmm I can answer the question! All right I'll I'll ask the one that I just asked Kyle. (Littlle: Okay) and Kyle mentioned that That Nin wanted to come out and answer this one. Do you feel comfortable answering this one? I dunno what it is yet!! (A: ok, alright!) I can't answer until you tell me what it is!! :D If there's anyone watching who has D.I.D and is maybe Nervous about the idea of coming out and talking about it with people because their fear of the judgement that they might receive or Anything like that? Is there anything that you'd want to say to them any kind of advice that you'd want to give them? I say (A: and you can say to the camera if you want) the camera? What about the man behind the camera?! Hi!!!! You have such good hair!! (A: yeah doesn't he?) It's so good! When you have D.I.D you feel very alone and it feels like you're going crazy and There's no way anyone could understand and there's no way you can have a good life and this is it. It's gonna be bad life forever it's always gonna be living bad memories people thinking bad things and it's not. and even when it feels like that, it feels so bad and the memories are so bad A: It's okay take your time, if you want a moment, it's okay And if you want to cut this part out or anything like that we totally will (Little: okay.=) Yeah, so take your time But we felt like that And Now everything is different What's different? we're not alone anymore (A: is that a better feeling?) (Quietly) I'm sorry [sniffing] A: It's okay, don't be sorry. That's why you're here you're here to talk about this and feel these feelings (Little: mhm) But let me know if you want to stop for whatever reason. (L: mhm) It's all- this is all up to you (Little: Somebody else is here) you could let them speak whenever you want (Little: I'm really sorry, I-) dont, don't apologize (Little: I'm too small) Yeah, it's okay. You have no reason to apologize Nin: What happened? Uh, I don't remember the name, **** years old. Oh, okay. (A: Yeah) Gave a really good response. Can I still do it too? (A: you want to do it too?) I do yeah, is that okay? (A: ok yeah absolutely) It's okay to take your time with it Nobody's entitled to information about why this has happened or anything Deeply personal about how you exist as you are but there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. We see you and we believe you. I actually have a parting gift for you! (Amanda: yay)
A best interviewer shirt that you could get at padildoshop.com But you can have this for free now 16 people get to wear one shirt. (Petra Joy and Z:)This is Petra, this is Joy. And this is Z listen to all of us when we say subscribe to Anthony Padilla (Laughing) that was great! All right You got five seconds to shout-out or promote anything you want directly in the camera, GO treemunity on twitter. and check out the pluralassociation.org Some great activists are doing some organizing for our community Go follow us at dissociaDID And also if you're looking for somewhere to feel safe, there are loads of Facebook groups Definitely you should subscribe to him because 16 of us really enjoyed this (laughing) That's what you would use your 5 seconds for?! (Amanda: yes!) Thank you so much! (Nin: thank you!) And I feel like I understand the wondrous world of dissociative identity disorder just a little bit more Thank you for having me after spending the day with these people with D.I.D I've come to understand just how nuanced the discussion of this disorder is and how important it is to be accepting and supportive Of any and everyone because you never truly know what may be occurring behind the scenes See you later. Bye guys press a like Kyle: Sometimes it's flattering that people want to like look after us and stuff. -Can I tie my hair up?- (A: do whatever you have to do) That people will want to be like flattering and **** like that. Sorry can I swear? (A: yeah, yeah absolutely) Oh thank **** I tried s o hard Yeah, yeah don't censor yourself, speak however you normally wanna speak (Kyle: okay, this changes everything) Please, oh my god you lifesaver Can I put it over my legs? (A: yeah! do whatever you gotta do) Thank you. (A: yeah) I thought we decided earlier that we were gonna wear trousers [Anthony laughs] Thought that was the decision that we were set on (A:she went above and beyond) K: Apparently...
A: Yes!
I watched that video time ago. Very well done
Thank you! That's very useful :)
someone send it to alex pls
Dissociadid is not a good example, for the record. She has her own /r/osana in the form of /r/dissociadiscourse
i was just mentioning this in a post a few hours ago lol