I got rejected 60+ times. how to find the funny in the pain

this is going to be a little bit of a tougher video because a lot of people are suffering with this right now so let's talk about it shall we I never knew how much people were really suffering with feelings of rejection like romantic rejection until I mentioned dating at all in in a video so if you are to look at the comments on that video they're devastatingly fatalistic um and there are some really obscure terms being thrown around amongst them and I think that's kind of a coping mechanism you see you'll see terms like not in the 1% or you have to be the 1% or being a 10 or an alpha or a Chad although they're trying to bolster themselves up there seems to be an undeniable amount of like pain and honestly self-loathing and suffering and even victimhood that's undeserving to those inflicting this language on themselves and others with this narrative and I I know there's no mystery behind where these words come come from but what I don't think is helping is a lack of discussion and openness about rejection you see those who are rejected assume that their situation is unique to to them and they internalize the blame or externalize it to societal issues you know blaming high standards not being good-look enough or tall enough or Rich enough but I believe that that's because there's not enough people talking about how common rejection is and how much you have to go through it and because of that people assume their experience is rare and unique to them people don't talk about rejection openly because admitting you've been rejected is embarrassing because you know most of society perceives that as you being rejected reflects poorly on you the person rejected rather than the person rejecting and similarly those who do talk about rejection do so in a way which is rather un healthy you know expressing degrees of personal slight and anger against a particular gender or internalizing think self-hatred or not being good enough so I decided this Valentine's Day to kind of break the mold so and say hi my name's chinia I'm a 32-year-old woman and I've been rejected over 60 times in my life easily there is honestly not a type of rejection that I haven't experienced I have approached guys in public ask them out being shut down I have been stood up 11 times and I've even had right get this an experience when a guy arrived on the first date saw me and turned around and left without saying a word over the years of being single I collected a wealth of let's face it hilarious stories of rejection that I could fill a book with and yet despite my experiences I never gave up on finding love I never blamed an entire gender for my bad love life and whil you know I felt down about it sometimes I never fell into this pit of self-hating despair because I learned early on that you need to depersonalize rejection and reconfigure how I viewed it so it didn't break my spirit and here's how I did it what's wrong with me ah so when a person is rejected by another person romantically the first thought that pops into their head is what's wrong with me you see after rejection the rejected spends hours days weeks sometimes even years analyzing why they got rejected and this analysis starts on the microscale before building up into a macroscale analysis of the self and Society so at first they look at the rejection situationally you know was it was it something I said was I too boring was I not attractive enough uh was it how I dressed did I say something to offend them but then as you know rejection after rejection piles up the rejected becomes more critical of the self criticizing themselves for being what they perceive as fundamentally not good enough to date or love they tell themselves they're too ugly too poor not talented enough too short too fat not fit too skinny not skinny enough not sexy enough too unintelligent too wrinkled too bold you get the drift so rather than see a rejection as another person choosing not to date them for completely personal reasons preferences and perhaps even get this bad judgment the rejected person chooses instead to believe that they have failed at life at every facet biologically and socioeconomically and mentally and subsequently enter a shame spiral in which the narrative they tell themselves and others is that people are only deserving of love and will only find love if they meet an immense criteria in life that makes them worthy of admiration rejected people choose to believe this narrative because it's comforting and easy because when you're feeling dejected in life you want someone to feel a bit sorry for you and who better to feel sorry for you than yourself you know you'll always be there for you you will always give yourself the undivided detention your sorrow and grief desires you will always listen to your heartbreaks without judgment rebuttal or even discouragement and your sadness requires undivided attention and space to breathe and breed and self-blame and self-hatred provide the perfect conditions for these emotions to thrive in but the truth of the matter is why you got rejected doesn't matter okay hear me out rejection always stinks because it's hard to not take it personally because it is a very personal experience and we know all of our flaws and Imperfections and thus after being rejected we conclude that those are the reasons we were rejected however we never will ever truly know the other person's preferences which are also always usually primarily the factor in their choice to reject someone people's preferences direct where they invest their time and energy and not meeting those preferences is not a fault on your part it's not that you're flaw it's just a preference in the same way you may like vanilla ice cream over chocolate ice cream it doesn't make one or the other Superior in the world of the universe or makes one of them completely unlovable or dislikable is just a preference but this is hard to get your head around because people rarely tell you the real reasons why they rejected you so you will come up with all sorts of obscene reasons as to why you weren't good enough for them and you'll likely conclude that you weren't tall enough or Rich enough or thin enough when in actuality it may be something as banal as your choice of perfect few more after shave your diet or your interest in music tastes because they concluded after hearing that you love rock and they love pop that you'll have nothing in common and that will cause a future argument so they left that was it most of the reasons people choose not to date others can be incredibly insignificant meaningless or even Petty to be quite Fair all of them are valid but not really that significant and whilst there are people in this world who hold you know incredibly Le superficial standards wishing their partner to be of a certain status or look the vast majority of us in this world are strange little gremlins who just like things a particular way and have weird tastes and preferences and we know what types of people we get on with and which ones we don't and that's it it's not deeper than that at the end of the day rejection is more about the person rejecting than the rejected because it is them who are projecting onto you are like oh I don't like Indiana Jones that much or I don't like Star Trek that much I don't think I could date someone who likes Star Trek that much not that deep is it really it never is and I say this because whilst it is always healthy to take time to self-reflect and identify ways in which you can improve yourself and you can be a better person and potential partner there's also no use getting hung up on perceived reasons for someone's rejection of you because you'll never know the truth unless they tell you and they're likely not going to tell you because you may find their answers really silly valid according to their personal preference es and tastes but silly in the grand scheme of things and that's really not a good enough reason to give up on love for the rest of your life so I always talk about finding the funny in rejection when you stop personalizing rejection and lower the stakes when you're in the dating World dating can be a lot of fun honestly finding humor in painful and embarrassing situations is a beautiful life skill that I developed thanks to trauma very early on in life however you know I thrived of having a bucket list of hilarious stories to tell my friends whenever we caught up featuring all of the embarrassing moments such as the man who saw me and turned around the second he walked in the cafe which is genuinely one of my favorite stories to tell other people like it it's hilarious the bad dates the embarrassing dates become far more interesting than the good ones really when you're like creating a life story for yourself and I became so accustomed to finding the funny in the horror of it all that I was genuinely completely caught off guard when I met the man that I then fell in love with and I would I would never have met him had I not found a way to keep transforming painful feelings of rejection into something really creative and fun and found joy in life when I was like struggling with something and yes you can spend your life hiding away so afraid of inevitable rejection that you beat yourself up and you insult yourself for years or you can enjoy life and just be kinder to yourself and go out there and experience it rejections and all and then gather all those weird little stories to tell other people even if you're writing a book or a podcast or whatnot and who knows you may end up one day telling one of those hilarious stories to the person you fall in love with because I certainly did I hope some people found that helpful some of you may not have but I tried I been asked to talk about rejection and how I dealt with it and that is my honest response to the question thank you so much to all of you who sent in a request in my Google form about C top topping covering the topic of rejection I hope you enjoyed it thank you so much for watching if you do like these videos please consider liking and subscribing I wonder if that little Lighty up thing does that subscribe did it light up tell me if it Light Up Down Below but anyway thank you so much for watching I hope you enjoyed it I will see you soon for another video and remember books save lives so keep reading I love you so much you are the cutest little boy are you leaving me are you leaving me I deserve that to be fair I did deserve that

Channel: The Self-Help Shelf

Views: 80,865

Keywords: how to deal with rejection, how to get over rejection, how to handle rejection, dealing with rejection, rejection, how to handle rejection from girls, how to deal with rejection in dating, how to get over rejection from a guy, how to overcome rejection, how to break the cycle of rejection, how to deal with rejection from a woman, how to deal with rejection from a girl, how to deal with rejection from women, how to deal with rejection from girls

Id: C8xj26Hkqg4

Length: 10min 41sec (641 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 12 2024