I Failed College | Depression | What Now?

hi everyone welcome back to my channel as you can tell by the title of the video today it's gonna be more of a serious video I have tried to remake this video and we film it multiple times and each one just doesn't feel right so hopefully this is the last time that I'm gonna record this because at this point is making me go crazy but as you can tell I built college those of you who didn't know I was a junior at ASU I was in my third year and I was also in the Barretts Honors College and I say that in past tense because as of the end of the spring semester I'm not enrolled in asu anymore i believe the term that everyone is officially using is disqualified it means the same thing i'm gonna go through kind of explaining what exactly happened I mean I don't really know exactly what happened but I'm gonna walk you through the timeline so the spring semester of last year 2018 I failed all of my classes and I was put on academic probation the following semester which was fall of 2018 I did better I failed I think only one class and then the rest I passed some of them barely but I did a lot better last semester and this semester I didn't pass my classes and because I was already put on academic probation I was disqualified now for some people that isn't really such a big deal some people might say well college isn't for me or I can do a lot of things that without College and those things are true but for me personally what has happened to me is a really really big deal and it's a big deal because ever since I was little this was my goal I had a very specific plan ever since I was little I was gonna crush it in high school outs and go to college I was gonna graduate I was gonna start a career I was gonna meet all of my goals that I ever set in life and I was going to be happy life is not turning out that way I've actually known about this for a while I kind of started to feel it as I was going through the semester I was really really scared that this was gonna happen and obviously it did and it's taken me a while because I'm honestly the only thing that really really scares me is disappointing my family my family are the biggest supporters of consenting your education they really push for that they tell me oh I'm so proud of you you're going to college you're gonna do this and this you're so amazing and it's been really hard to have people tell me that when I know it's the complete opposite you know multiple people and my family have been asking me oh you're gonna graduate next year right you're gonna what are you gonna do obviously I'm not graduating next year and I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do and it's honestly just really really sad to think that the one thing everybody been my family pushed me to do and see that I wasn't able to do and I know at this point a lot of you are thinking why what happened a lot of people who know we aren't going to be surprised and they're gonna want to know why because ever since I was little like I said I've always just been deep in focused on school I've always been really really good at school and I barely even know the answer why which sadly brings me to the second part of this video which is depression I think that I really started to get depressed about to his ears ago and since then it has taken a lot from me and it's shaped me into something that I don't want to be and it's given me experiences that I don't ever want to experience again I think that the very beginning of it started about more than two years ago when I was a senior in high school during that time I had quit the basketball team which I absolutely loved doing I started working two jobs I stopped focusing so much on school and I started to lose myself piece by piece but because I did so good in high school before my senior year I was still able to get full scholarships and more to ASU depression is such a huge topic and it's different for everyone even though some people might experience the same situations or thoughts or feelings I believe is unique to every person and I feel like there were maybe a lot of things that contributed to why I feel this way and then there are a lot of things that happen because I feel this way and I can't pinpoint it back like I can't pinpoint exactly when it started why it started but there are a few things that I feel like had a big impact on it before high school I had never really experienced a friend or a family member to death before and if I had it was someone who wasn't super close to me but it wasn't I didn't feel it that way and in one semester in a few months I lost multiple people who I loved and I cared about and never experiencing losing someone before and then experiencing it multiple times in such a short period of time it it hurts I started to get really really distant from a lot of people who really everyone in my life there was a long period of time where I wasn't talking to my bestest friend in the world I've gone into a fight with every single one of my closest friends I stopped talking and being connected really with my mom and my family and just focusing on finding myself alone was best for me and that actually turned out not to be the best thing for me I know a lot of people think like that and just for me it wasn't that way well I don't I don't know sounds very but but I'm lucky and fortunate enough to have these people who still care about me and love me and accepted me back into their life and keep me around there were a lot of days where I didn't and wouldn't get out of bed I literally lost jobs over it like almost a whole week I didn't go to a new job because I couldn't get out of bed I couldn't get out of the house getting up and taking a shower was just too much for me there were times where I would go to work and I would just feel so disgusting and so hateful towards myself that I couldn't even be around people I had to I literally had to leave come home get into bed and just block out the world I not only just felt mentally numb but physically nam it's an insane feeling to think that you can't even feel your own body like that is one of the craziest things I've ever experienced where I just couldn't feel think anything I wouldn't go to classes I I wouldn't do my work and it's not hard work it wasn't hard to understand or to challenging for me I just couldn't bring myself to do it and I've actually seen a definition of depression or I've seen depression labeled as a mental disability because of the fact that it enables someone to do regular things to do regular tasks and it's pretty [ __ ] true when you're when you're that depressed it just your mind is just blocked either you're you're you're overthinking or you're not thinking at all and when a lot of these bad things were happening I knew that they were happening I knew the consequences I knew that I cared about these things and I should have put a stop to it but I couldn't make myself to do it and that's just how it was it has how it's been for a long time and another thing that has really been a struggle for me for a while is my personal health in just a few months I gained like over 20 pounds just not by taking just just by not taking care of myself and I don't mean to pin my failure in college just on depression like I'm not saying but I think it had a really big influence on my success and it's my fault I know that I chose to saying that instead of going to class I know that instead of doing my assignments and getting it over with I shoved it to the back of my mind and just ignored it I know I did all of those things and I know I'm talking about all of these things like it was in the past like I don't ever experience these feelings or experiences at all anymore but I still do I still have really really bad days but I'm not in the horrible horrible place that I was before I'm not at all where I want to be not at all but I want to start getting there and I think that's really important I know some of you are watching this by now probably thinking why am I even telling the world is why I might even share you this is really actually private information and I do agree but I'm trying to get better mentally and I'm trying to take care of myself more and I'm trying to become the powerful smart and really grounded and connected woman that I want to be and I feel like I I can't even think about getting to that spot without confronting and owning up to what happens I feel like if I just ignore it and have people keep thinking that I'm still in college and then I'm so graduating next year and that I'm doing so amazing that I'm not I'm not really confronting it and I'm just hiding from it I think it's really important for me to be open about it and grow from it I don't want to hide from it it's a really shitty feeling and it's really really shitty that everyone who really really believed in me and supported me it's gonna be let down and disappointed but I have to start from there I want to be happy I want to be proud of myself and it's successful in ways that make me happy and I want to start getting to us to that spot I don't know how to get there I don't know how long it's gonna take I don't even know what it looks like so the question of what's now what after all of this I don't even really know myself I know for sure that I want to go back to school I want to reapply whether that's at ASU or not but I don't even really know what I want to do I don't know what I want my career to be in what I want to do for the rest of my life and that terrifies me but at least I know it now I think the best thing that I can do from now is just try to take care of myself better and grow my mental health setting and obtaining small goals build those goals up and eventually work my way to whatever I want to do I know that I definitely want to be in a better spot before I even think about going back to school and I don't even I just don't know I don't know a lot of stuff right now but that's okay I think that's gonna be it for this video because I don't want to start crying on camera I don't want to keep venting and pretending like everyone on the internet wants to hear this and that everyone on the internet is gonna be like my counselor or therapist for me I just want to make it clear that the content in this video is very depressing is not going to be my regular content on my on my channel I just felt like this is something that I need to get off of my chest and share it with everyone I guess thank you for watching and staying here to support me and I'll see you later one date [Music] [Music] [Music]

Channel: Shandiin Gorman

Views: 73,150

Rating: 4.9601493 out of 5

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Id: sQUN2JwGEAM

Length: 15min 55sec (955 seconds)

Published: Sat May 25 2019