I am Here...Now - The Cinema Snob

did you think that DoubleDown was the only Neal Breen movie that this world has to offer probably not since the most famous of his films is his third movie fateful findings a movie that many of us are so excited to get to that we simply forget that this film even exists even I'm guilty of that as I accidently teased fateful findings in last week's clip show it's like the movie itself is telling us hey I'm here too so which one is I am here now well it's the one where writer director star Neal Breen portrays himself as the Messiah because of course that's what he does so much interesting trivia can be found out about this film I for one think the IMDB trivia page for telling me that Breen wrote directed and starred in the film and that it's feature-length what no really I am floored by this trivia I am here now continues Neil Breen's trend of making movies that look like they're inviting you to the worst motivational speaking seminar you've ever been to they probably don't even have free coffee I am here now comes to us from 2009 four years after his debut film doubled down has Neil made any improvements to the art form known as filmmaking nope although as the movie opens it might have a slightly bigger effects budget [Music] mmm Delaware Neal was able to spend so much money on this he got the moon to be played by twins the most convincing twins in this film trust me not that the second moon stays around for long goddamn Decepticons no wonder the title has an ellipsis it's taking its sweet ass time completing itself [Music] anytime now the movie opens with God's shooting down his divine semen to interrupt filming on the set of double down there's a lot to say about this film but it is impressive that they got a cameraman who can run really fast anyway we found the deserts buttcrack wait a minute there's no ice sculptures in the desert [Music] but there is the Jesus I don't know what's worse that Jesus has come back to earth still on the cross or that he's suffering from a horrible foot rash but this is no ordinary Jesus and they said Jesus couldn't hack into the highest casino security system in Vegas I must admit I didn't know what a computer's colon looked like until now and if you seriously doubt that Neal Breen would cast himself as Jesus then you don't know true BRE Gnaeus or whatever other adjectives were inserting the word Breen into got to get this back to the tall man he's currently trying to stab people in the head with a beach ball not enough people talk about the other three men who were crucified they were there for goat [ __ ] Jesus has some harsh words for us I'm disappointed in your species the human species [Music] that's spider no wonder Jesus is disappointed we keep reminding him of the brutal way that he died as he passes by a flower that only Charlie Brown could love he finds another flower with much stronger stamina [Music] hey are we in the desert other planets that I've created in the solar system are doing very well except Pluto we had to demote it it wouldn't be the desert without a shot of dolphins they want out of this movie so bad that they're not even thanking us for the fish I hate it when I get roped into one of these one-man shows why are the humans failing I've given them everything that's not from Hamlet at all not even that shitty porno version this movie better not get weird [Music] look can you think of a better way to farm a little girl's section at a Toys R Us I'm sure this will be explained [Music] I feel like I'm gonna be saying meanwhile a lot during this film so I better stop now you're crazy you're crazy meanwhile [ __ ] I'm so [ __ ] hot yeah me too why the hell else would I be watching a neoprene movie so they eject themselves with 7up nothing with caffeine though that'd be crazy I don't mean to tell you how to do drugs but I think your heroin ting wrong oh [ __ ] a wandering Neil breed your weapons cannot harm me yeah not because you're Jesus but because he shot you with an airsoft gun so he freezes them which still doesn't stop the wind from moving them a little and then he [ __ ] salmon he takes their clothes and puts them in embarrassing poses shove her thumb up his ass it'll be hilarious let's move on eventually by this movie went to the brown bunny school of movie padding he's still going see if you can spot the member of this wind farm that refuses to participate in this [ __ ] and now deal is off to find the closest beer and tuna store ooh 23 miles from Vegas better start digging your highway [Music] whoa brace yourselves we're inside the [ __ ] car now Neil Breen is the worst thing to happen to Vegas since Conair crashed into it but Neil has inspired me I'm gonna do a promotional video for Springfield Illinois where I dress is Lincoln and Reed fortune cookies for two hours oh there will be plenty of ass and some non connecting scenes they think they may have an opportunity to use it now they in for surprise who the [ __ ] are you the Futter you talking about why does dialogued make this movie even more confusing that doesn't mean take the dialogue out and have them mouth nothing that makes it even worse and you already showed us this shot did you think I'd get so delirious that I think this was Reno all of a sudden no it's easy for a movie like this to make you think you're crazy but remember solar energy the country is finally seriously addressing sustainability and respecting the planet's natural resources Dell listen to her it's Donald Trump and drag even the birds from Birdemic think that this movie is too lame to interrupt [Music] I didn't think they'd make it to the top of the stairs but they sure proved me wrong this movie is like writing a script when you live off of nothing but Alex Jones MREs greedy politicians lying lawyers and insurance companies are destroying what I had planned for this planet this is Gary Johnson's weirdest political ad yet oddly enough Ted Turner is very much against all of this solar power talk lest you forget though times are very tough in the vegas solar community I'm so sorry but do the poor economy we're gonna have to lay you off oh that's fine we don't even work here we just stand outside and talk about the Sun all day don't give up don't give up hey shiver brains she's not the one who got laid off maybe say that to the girls who just lost their jobs someone needs to put this movie out of its misery Wow I'd never seen a movie so bad that it just slid its own wrists or maybe I have I feel like I've made that joke before maybe she got laid off because she's a crazy person who pushes around a plastic doll in a stroller all afternoon you'll find something you're my twin sister you're pretty and smart you're hot we're hot see the moon has a more convincing twin you could say they're not identical except everyone in the movie instantly knows that they're twins somehow her sister though is always handy with the advice become a stripper and escort you'd be great at that clearly that's the only other option if you lose your job you should immediately go into stripping and thank you once again trivia for counting a description of a scene as trivia that's my kind of trivia these girls really care about the planet these are heroes hey I think you forgot your baby and never mind we got a group of like-minded solar power enthusiasts to join or they could just be a gang very hot I'd like to do any of these two guys at the same time what's the best thing about Niall Breen is that he truly gets women and this gives us my favorite character ever hell yeah I'll do her damn twins this exchange is one of the biggest laughs I've ever ad while watching a movie on this show while everyone here looks like they want to run a train on these girls to say this scene escalates quickly is an understatement I get it first yes when your hotness causes other people to just shoot each other thanks to the editing the scene ends more confusingly than it began this is for you there's still a man who's been shot too late for that now there's other sudden bursts of violence - cut - they're going to have an unfortunate accident truly an accident and now the real reason this movie was made twins bro twins double my pleasure well that made more sense than if he had said say goodbye a little longer make it last a little longer give your breath long-lasting freshness with big red these girls are less convincing as twins than the water and the pavement so which of you girls are gonna fit the world's largest bottle of champagne up their ass oh dear wait no god damn it not you [ __ ] this movie sat on its own reverse button it's all gonna start over again you're not even having sex you're just watching them lay in the pool how is this a good day for you on the plus side he could piss sprite [Music] yeah drink my piss meanwhile if [ __ ] I said it again hope this guy is okay wish I could see this number I as well have had an accident I cut off my own ear to distract me from this nonsense must be another one of our euros that's just not just like Jesus to stand up to bullies by blinding them thanks to the trivia I know that this guy has cancer it's not like the movie itself explains it I don't feel so good cancer chemo kicking my ass I always wanted to see this before I died here let me give you the best vantage point one inch from the sign I think this house also wants to see the Vegas sign before it dies speaking of death is everyone in this film dying the only thing that separates this movie from a zombie movie is simply the lack of makeup wait a minute this is some kind of terrorist organization and I don't think this girl has a twin at all once you're high you won't remember a thing just the money you're making anyway thought I'd switch it up from the meanwhile Neel continues on his mission of stopping this guy from accidentally killing himself again what's up you got a problem huh you want to back this isn't the way I planned your species you two are worthless damn it Jesus stop blinding people and turning their guns into plastic nope sorry still not joining this mess I see Fred over there is also joined my protest in why do I have the feeling that this movie is gonna repeat itself I'm sorry we have to lay you off we're all so sorry I just saw this scene earlier the movie but with other people and is this the government's fault too this is not a temporary delay it's more politics and corporate greed thanks baby Hitchcock when is the government gonna stop laying off hot girls I'm sure she has something to fall back on I'll become a full-time hooker or stripper and not tell him the truth why is this movies go to answer for being laid off to immediately start selling your body for money is Neil Brina pimp is this movie his recruitment tool oh and we found your sister's baby I was hoping to escape this movie without a sex scene [Music] oh well that's a hooker she made her buddies worth that day here let's draw angel wings on your back I'm sure that means something I think Jesus should use some of his magic to give himself at least one or two abs this is the second Neal Breen movie that I've seen and also the second one where he [ __ ] cures cancer go with her have a full long and healthy happy life be a family whoo good thing she doesn't have a say in this hey my music some of your powers to change your baby from a doll now to take the most convenient route to meet up with these eco-terrorists hey that was some homeless man's bed nameless Frank over here wants to join their gang I don't see a problem with this unfortunately they're not doing any new signups today what this damn piece of garbage oh no he's dead keep that up and you'll also be laid off from the gang good thing Jesus was there to stop this now the most dangerous men in Vegas and grandpa for some reason but one of them is an undercover cop hey you keep punching the camera equipment you're not gonna be able to finish your movie again thanks for stopping them Jesus he does use his villain freezing power though but only after they cut the man's finger off oh no I don't like where this is going don't like where this is going one bit flu okay what a relief he simply nailed his enemies to the cross that's the Jesus I know this is not the good editing you're looking for I have eliminated though who believe in violence towards men time yeah you sure eliminated those who use violence by crucifying people and giving girls a pep talk go learn to love yourself other humans and humanity you have so much to offer she then became a hooker of course the movie isn't done yet the second unit crew is still stuck in the desert and we have more monologuing is that the species understand I've given them so much respect yourselves look can you just give me the [ __ ] kale salad I ordered all right forgot about these two what did we do why does my thumb smell like your ass now Neil is off to be the one exter from the believers heaven who got lost on their way to Mississippi I'll leave the world with my recipe for farmer Vincent's baby fritters Shh one of them is asleep don't make too much noise we just put him down and this is how the movie is gonna spend its remaining 12 minutes pushing itself 2 full movie length by showing us the same footage from the first 12 minutes the dolphins left this movie once and goddamn it they can do it again what a shock Neil is also the cameraman apparently why not he's everything else I'm sure he also played the twin moon [Music] stop watching the tape from the ring you all just don't understand the genius of Neil Breen clearly this movie is awarding that to save the planet we must bang hi young people while wearing cheap Halloween masks the way to a woman's heart is a trip to the desert while looking like Solomon Grundy's nutsack the humans dreams they can come true this is no one's dream it's a [ __ ] nightmare okay fine since you ended world corruption I promise to start spinning but only if you promise to end the movie within the next seven minutes I will give them one more chance if they fail I will destroy this planet I hope humanity has learned it's lesson from all its mistakes otherwise I will turn this planet into dust then 2016 happened and he turned the planet to dust he then shoots himself into the sky where he transforms into the opening credits to one of those heaven is for real knock-offs oh and he's a screen saver now - boy this is a film that's truly worth the extra dot he put in the ellipsis I was calling him Jesus this whole time but it turns out he was really playing the 1983 Martin Landau horror movie the being who else but Neal Breen could take on Thanos single-handedly I'm not so sure who was asking for a hybrid between James when Tommy Wiseau and terrence malick but it's certainly given me a series of movies to watch technically can argue with that I guess this movie is like watching the board of CEOs at your dad's real estate agency make their own Jason Bourne movie you could pretty much describe every Neil Bri movie this way which would maybe explain the near-identical posters thankfully in his 2013 movie faithful findings Neil was able to correct all of his mistakes and turn in a true Kubrick Ian's masterpiece of cinema [Music] be sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel at youtube.com slash stoned gremlin productions follow us on Twitter at the cinema snob or check out our homepage at the cinema snob com

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Views: 257,811

Rating: 4.9254179 out of 5

Keywords: The Cinema Snob, Movie Review, Brad Jones

Id: SYvhbHcE8gk

Length: 24min 5sec (1445 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 22 2018