- This was probably the
worst that my skin ever was in my whole life. (beeps) We would get into these texting arguments while I'm also working on
my film in the lab, (beeps) that all of a sudden I started
just crying, breaking down. (beeping) Hello, bishez. Welcome back to my channel. In this video, I'm going to be talking about my second year at Cal Arts. This is a part two from last week's video, which went over my first year at Cal Arts and why it didn't go so well. It was a year of adjustment, insecurities, fear and anxiety, and just
learning to overcome all of that. Whereas my second year of Cal Arts, the theme of it was kind
of more about workaholism, work-life balance, and just learning how
to take care of myself because there was really none of that when the second year of
Cal Arts first started. And I feel like this is a topic that a lot of not just art students, but students in general can relate to because you're in this
in-between phase of learning to figure out yourself and
get your life together. And you might be under this illusion that working harder equals
success or something like that when that's really not the case, especially if you are really
losing a part of yourself or just not really
taking care of yourself. There are a lot of sacrifices that happen when you work too hard to the point that you have no balance in
other areas of your life. And I feel like that was
the biggest lesson I learned in my second year. So if you haven't
checked out part one yet, check it out in the links below. Otherwise, in this video, it will be a continuation from part one. So where we last left
off in my previous video was I was willing to finally make a change in myself and my life because I was tired of feeling
insecure, anxious, fearful, and just not willing to get
out of my comfort zone at all. And I wanted a fresh new start for myself. And my second year of college, I was like, "Michelle, you're gonna finally get out of your comfort zone, make friends, and show people your art and
who cares what they think? If they don't like it whatsoever, you're going to be a bad
bish your second year." And I was so determined
to make that happen. However, literally during
the end of my first year of Cal Arts, the summer of
the end of my first year, I found out that my grandpa passed away and it was very hard to take in because it was kind of really unexpected. But at the same time, we knew my grandpa's health was declining, but the reason for his death
kind of was unexpected. So very last minute, we
were rushed to the hospital. I was luckily enough
to be back in New York during this time. And I was there sitting there as my grandpa just passed away. So I was really grateful
to be there with my grandpa for his final moments, but it was still very sad for all of us, of course, because he was the
last grandparent that we had. He was the one who picked me
up from school all the time. And my grandparents were literally like my second pair of parents. So the day that I flew
back for my second year of Cal Arts was the day right
after my grandpa's funeral. It was that sudden. And all of a sudden, I had
to now go back to California to start my second year. And it was just very
strange to just have to have that complete mindset
shift from being like, "Oh, I feel really sad." I wanna spend more time with my family because being away from
home for so long gets you in that existential
mindset of just being like, "Oh my gosh, I only
have so many times left that I can see some of my family members." It's just so weird to
spend so much time away from the family that you've spent pretty much all your life with. So that was something that
was kind of hard to embrace, especially during my first year, but it's something that never
went away even to this day. I get that feeling of missing my family. So the homesickness was really real when I went back to my second year and it was hard to really
get myself to be that person that I promised I would be, AKA that bad bish second
year self, where I was like, "I'm gonna work hard. I'm
going to have more confidence. I'm gonna do all these
things that I wanted to do." All of a sudden, that was clashing with
this emotional weight that I was dealing with
after what just happened. So when I got back, I tried to put those
emotional feelings away because I was just like, "You know what? My grandparents
would have wanted me to work hard. That's
what they came to America for us to do is to go live
our lives and be successful." So I wanted to make sure that
I followed through with that. And of course, I want that for myself too, to be better as a student,
person, and artist. So I went in and put all my feelings away. So I started my second year pretty good. I had a great roommate and
I started making new friends pretty easily compared to
my first year at Cal Arts. Because once there were
second year students entering, I felt like it was easier
to make friends with people that did not really feel as
familiar with the school, but you had some things that
you could offer to them. And at the same time, I started becoming friends
with my friend, Noor even more, Noor even more. And I also started to put
more effort in mingling with my own classmates. So I felt like the friendship
area was already starting to improve. So for our first week of
our second year at Cal Arts, we had to do a first week film. This is something that
you kind of have to do every time you return back to school during our time at Cal Arts. I honestly don't know
if they do that anymore. So this might've just
been during my time there, was we had to make a first week film and you could do whatever you
wanted just within one week. So I just wanted to do like animations to a song that I liked. And while I was doing that, I really was using this
time to practice being that version of myself, where I'm like, "I'm gonna work hard. I'm
gonna stay in the labs. No more running back to
your dorm room, Missy. You are staying in the
labs and just working. And if anyone wants to talk
to you, you talk to them." So I was doing that and it went well. I finished my first week film and it got like a good reception from my teachers and classmates. They thought it was cool. And I proceeded to go on with
the rest of my second year. Things were going so good so far. So then also during my second year, we had to also start
film workshop classes, which was something that I
don't really think we properly had in our first year. Your story class in
your first year is kind of more like the film workshop class. But starting your second year, you have these official
film workshop classes where the full intent of
these classes are to work on your student films and
provide feedback for everyone and ways to make them better. So I was really pumped and ready because I felt like I was ready
to do something challenging and have it be a full
collaborative experience, unlike my first year. So I made a story about the experience of what it feels like being
catcalled in the city, but how I also wished
that there could be change that happens in it. So if you haven't seen my
second year film, "Unstoppable," that was my second year film. And I still kind of to this day, I'm pretty proud of that
film in terms of the concept and the idea, and actually, the symbolism that I
chose to utilize in it. I still really like that film. Of course, going back and looking at it, I know there are some technical changes that I could make to it or improve on the art physically speaking, but story-wise and symbolism
wise and just message wise, I really enjoyed that film. Working on this film
really made me feel pumped. I was ambitious. I was doing visual
development, thumbnails, and all of this brainstorming work and welcoming all the feedback
that anyone would provide me. Any time my film workshop
teacher would give me advice, I would just write it down and be like, "Yeah. I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna do anything
that you think will make this film better." I wanted to be so open
to feedback and criticism because I felt like that made the experience
more collaborative. And I know that more brains instead of just mine can make this better. So when I first started
working on this film, things were pretty easy. I would just do things on a
regular work schedule basis. However, I noticed that as time went on, I started to stay in the labs later. First, I would stay in
the labs till 6:00 PM. Then all of a sudden, it would
be 9:00 PM, and then 1:00 AM. And then all of a sudden,
it's fucking 5:00 AM. I don't know what happened, but I'm pretty sure
that I lacked some sense of time management throughout this year. And I felt like I was also
getting distracted by the fact that I was trying to balance
other parts of my life, like making friends with my classmates and trying to just keep a
healthy diet and work out and just living my life at
the same time while working. So I tried to squeeze all of these things into each other every day. But I didn't realize that
my lack of time management was actually making me start
to lose my work-life balance. So while I was working
on my second year film, it was mainly up to the point
where I started animation, the 2D animation portion of my film, where I noticed I was starting
to stay in the labs later and later and later. And I do admit that a part of
me stayed in the labs later because I definitely was distracted easily by the fact that I have friends now and I wanna spend time with
them and hang out with them. But I also had this film
that I really had to do. And it was a really
ambitious idea for something that was only like four
or five minutes long. And I think for your second year film, it actually had to be less time than that, but you can also make a
longer film if you want to, if you are okay with not
being in the producers show in which I was okay with,
just because I was like, "You know what? I feel like
this message is important and it might need more time
than what was the limit for a second year film." So whatever, I just
wanna make a good film. Who cares what show it's in or whatever. So as I was staying in
the labs later and later, of course, I would also
wake up later and later. And with so much time in the day, I didn't even take care of
myself health wise anymore. I started to just eat
whatever was the easiest thing to grab in the cafeteria. If there was a burrito or just some breakfast sandwich just ready and sitting there in a way
that I don't have to wait for the chef or anyone to make it, I would just grab that instead. Anything that I could just grab, I just took that as my meal of the day. So every day, I ate something
super unhealthy for breakfast and I didn't even spend
the time to work out or do any physical exercise
to compensate for that. And it just was not balanced at all. And I noticed that over time, my skin was also starting
to break out a lot. I was breaking out in a lot of cystic acne on my cheeks and jaw, and this was probably the
worst that my skin ever was in my whole life. But I also did not give two
shits because I was just like, "Bitch, I have a film to
work on. I got things to do. I haven't got time to
care about my fucking skin or my diet or health. Who cares? Makeup exists. I can cover that shit up." So I continued to just work on my shit and really disregard my
health and everything. And I don't know what was happening to me in this stage in life, but I feel like this was also
the year that I was getting into the most fights with my friends. We would get into these texting arguments while I'm also working
on my film in the labs while also trying to
entertain my other friends that were sitting next to me in the labs. There were just so many things going on. And then one day, I literally
just woke up in my bed and I just sat there and
I ate Oreos for breakfast. And I had vitamin
gummies for breakfast too because that was the
only other thing I had because I just could not
bring myself to go out or do anything. And I was just like, "What the fuck is wrong with me? I said I was gonna have
a good year this year. I said I was going to
make this year better than my first year. And yeah, I just feel like
I am a little bit better than my first year. I have friends now. I'm working harder. I'm showing my work to people now. What? Why don't I feel happy?" I just reflected on myself. And finally, I decided to
go to my mentor at school. So we're all assigned
these mentors in school that kind of just helped
you throughout your whole, I guess, journey at Cal Arts, not just as an art
student, but as a person. You can talk to them
almost like a therapist and talk about what
you're struggling with. And they can also help you
with your student film as well. So it's really cool
because you have someone who worked on your
favorite films in the past as your childhood, also now helping you
with your life problems. So that's one thing I
thought was pretty cool. But when I went to go talk to my mentor, at first, we were just
talking about my student film and of course, ways to make it better. Then he started asking me, how is my time going at
Cal Arts just as a student? And how am I feeling and all of that. Then all of a sudden,
I started just crying, breaking down in the office. I went from talking about my student film and just animating to all of a sudden, just in tears with my hands
on my face, covering my eyes, just like in fetal position. And he was probably just like, "What the fuck just happened?" And of course, it wasn't his fault at all, but I started just bawling
over really random things that just kind of came out of nowhere. And I was just like, "My grandpa passed away and
I wanted to work really hard for my family and friends. Now, I just feel like I
can't get out of this cycle of working because working
makes me feel better because I don't have to think
about missing my family. But working harder is also
making me feel disgusting about myself. I feel like the worst
version of myself ever, even though I'm supposed to
feel like the best version of myself and all of this shit. Honestly, I was a hot mess." So of course, he was giving me
some consolation and advice and telling me to just manage
my time a little bit better. So finally, I think I had a moment after that therapy session
of letting my emotions out. I concluded that I have been overworking because I had a lot of emotions
that I was also repressing. And working harder for some
reason made it easier for me to feel distracted from these emotions that I was repressing within myself. I missed my family. I missed my home. I missed my life, I missed living life. But I also wanted to really
get rid of my past self, the version of me who
was afraid of everything. The past version of me that was
insecure and had no friends. I wanted to just ignore that
person and hide it all in work. So I felt like, "Okay, I said I needed to
change last year for this year. Well, guess what? I need to change again." By the end of my second year, I started my first internship
at Cartoon Network, which was a great experience. I will honestly just put
the internship stories in another type of video some other day. But during my time at Cartoon Network, I felt like I had a time
to finally just not think about films and really
think about other things that I wanted to do. So I started to cook for myself during my time at Cartoon Network. And I could have done
this at Cal Arts as well. However, when you're in the dorms, you have to share the
kitchen with everybody else on your floor. And it was just not something
I really wanted to deal with. And knowing who I was in my second year, I would not have found the
time for myself to cook. But I really use that time during my internship at Cartoon Network to just kind of start
practicing living my life again, and just practice being
a normal human being. I will honestly say that my
habits of not making friends or getting out there and
putting myself out there kind of came back during my internship because this was my first time working in animation related job. And those fears of my first
year self kind of came back and haunted me again. And throughout my internship
at Cartoon Network, I will honestly say I
went there to do my work. And when the day was over, I came back. I barely really interacted with any of the other interns there. And if I did, it was just really my first and last day there. And I really was avoidant of everyone just because I felt like I
was going through part two of my existential crisis. And a part of me again, just felt intimidated to
be in the industry finally, and it kind of overwhelmed me. So a lot of my Cartoon Network
internship was also spent in the apartment that I was
renting out for that summer to stay there. And every time I went
back to my apartment, I would just spend that time
working on the pitch Bible that we all had to pitch at
the end of our internship. I wouldn't say anything was
the fault of my internship at all, but I just want it to be honest and say that even though
you say you're going to change a part of yourself, some of your old habits
will still find a way to sneak up back on you one way or another and still affect you. It's not just because
you say you wanna change and start making these
changes that it will suddenly just be perfect in a
black and white manner. Nothing is that black and white. There's always going to be gray areas of just imperfection still
happening while you are in this journey of change. And that part of me from my first year, still kind of snuck back up
on me during my second year at Cal Arts. Yes, I was still so much better than how I was my first year. I was making friends. I was open to feedback and criticism and just sharing my work with people and just making friends
and blah, blah, blah. But there were still instances
of my first year self where I wanted to be antisocial and alone. That still snuck back up on me. Oh my god. During the summer, after
my second year at Cal Art and when my internship at
Cartoon Network was over, I decided that, "Hey, I think my third year needs to be a year of good balance. I want to be able to live my life and take care of myself, but also be able to
work on my film smarter and work on my own stuff
smarter and not just hard." So what I did was during the
summer of my second year, I wanted to just get a
little bit ahead of the game and just plan for my third
year film ahead of time. So that would save me a lot of brainwork for when my third year started. And I could come in with
an idea ready to go. So while I was on vacation, this was actually when I was in Europe and I made a little sketchbook. That is exactly where I started
to plan my third year film. I wanted to just make this
idea while I was still in a place where I was
kind of living my life and feeling free. So hopefully, that generated
more creative juices. And so that by the time
I started my third year, it was mainly about execution. So during my second year summer, I just drew in my sketchbook,
brainstorm some ideas. And when I started my
third year at Cal Arts, I just let my teacher know,
"This is the idea I wanna do. And I just wanna be able to
have the tools in this school and the resources to
make this idea happen." So that is what I did. And I will say that I feel
like I started my third year of Cal Arts a little bit more balanced in the work-life area, just because I got most
of the brain work portion out of the way by the
time the year started. So one of the things I did for myself when this year started too, was I wanted to get back onto working out because surprisingly, prior
to my second year of Cal Arts, I was actually already
working out regularly. And it was a part of my
life until my second year. And I really wanted to bring that back because I was just like,
I know I can do this. It's just about finding a way
to gradually bring this part of my life back to who I am. So I started with little small increments. Every day, I would just do
like a 20 to 30 minute jog on the treadmill. And to some people, that
might already seem like a lot. But it wasn't that much to me because I could just put on a show, put on an anime, put
on something and watch. And I would just run for
like 20, 30 minutes everyday. And eventually, that would
turn into like 45 minutes. Eventually, that would
turn into like one hour. And I would slowly start
implementing new workout routines back into my schedule. I was starting to watch
what I was eating as well. I didn't wanna just grab a
burrito or a breakfast sandwich, just because I saw it
during my third year. And I just started to
prioritize like fruits, eggs, and more fresh produce that
whenever my school provided it, I would just try to take
it while it was there. So, and I also gave
myself a strict schedule. That's not really that strict. It was just honestly like, "By 6:00 PM, you have to be
done and out of the labs. You can't touch your film anymore. If you didn't get to finish
what you did, well, that sucks. Just reorganize your schedule in a way that it will still work out." So I also invested in a
little bullet journal. I got a little notebook and I turned it into a
little bullet journal where I wrote down my tasks everyday. And I made sure it was just a little bit. I think one of the biggest mistakes I made during my second year's time management was I didn't really allocate what task I was doing everyday. It was kind of more of me just
going into the labs everyday and just hoping that whatever
I worked on made some sort of progress. And if it's progress, that's cool. But then again, I will give my
second year self some credit and say that I was kind
of prioritizing the idea of just getting myself in
the labs to begin with. I just wanted to familiarize myself and be more confident with
drawing around other students and being in that environment and just letting myself
sit in there to work. And honestly, that's just what it took for me to get to the next point, which was, "Okay, now that you are comfortable with going into the labs, why
don't you start scheduling and organizing the amount
of time you'll actually stay in the labs?" So I was just like, You know what? After my
experience at Cartoon Network, I get an idea of what a work
day is like in an animator or someone in animation. Usually, it's like 10
to seven or nine to six. I tend to be more of an early bird. So I was like, "I'll go to the labs at
nine. And by six, that's it. You can't stay in there no more." Soon after that, I did
not realize I was going to be entering another
really random life event. And that was going to be
actually having to say goodbye to one of my closest friends ever and simultaneously at the same
time meeting my boyfriend, which is a very strange story
and kind of a dramatic one, but I will save that for the next video because I just feel like that
is a whole story in itself. And I might as well just
talk about the second half of my third year and
my fourth year together to kind of give this a final close as like the third part of the series. So yeah, I am sorry to leave
you all on this cliffhanger, but a content creator's got
to do what she's got to do to keep viewers watching. I just wanna let you all know that if you feel like you're
not working enough in school, that doesn't mean you should
work until you can't breathe and live your life and
take care of yourself. There's always a way to have
both exist in your life. And sometimes, it might just
be about managing your time and sticking to the times
that you promise you say that you will work because there are so many
people who will just say, "I will just work from
9:00 AM to 6:00 PM." But like in between, they're just distracted and going online and not really doing the
things they're supposed to do. So you really have to promise yourself that between the hours
that you will be working, you try your best to stay
as focused as possible. And that's not always a
guarantee because we are human. We are bound to get distracted. But as long as you did your best and stay focused as much as possible, then you did the best that you can do. And if that time was
still not enough for you to finish your project, maybe your project was honestly just a little bit too
ambitious for the time span that you allowed yourself to work on it. I don't know. That's just one of the cases for why somethings just don't get done or why time management and self care kind of gets a little
bit chaotic sometimes. There are many reasons as
to why these things happen, but those were just personally
why they happen to me. So overall, I would say that my second
year was very productive and actually collaboration
and making friends finally with the people in my school. I felt like that was the
best year for me personally, in terms of forming relationships
and trusting people. And I felt like this was the year that I really took my time
at Cal Arts seriously. However, I do think I
went a little bit too far if I was actually sacrificing my health to the point that I was not eating healthy and it was affecting my body and hormones. But I think now that you
kind of got some experience in that circle, maybe for
next year, your third year, it's time to bring back
some of your personal life into your life so that you know how to balance both extremes. So stay tuned for the next video where I will discuss the
remainder of my third year at Cal Arts, as well as my fourth year, especially for any of you who
might be graduating this year or getting onto the whole job hunt series. This is gonna be kind of the
moment in my college career, where I kind of got
existential with finding a job and figuring out what I actually
wanna do with an animation. So stay tuned for next week's
video if you wanna see that. So thank you again for watching this video and I will see you all in the next one. So peace out and stay hoesome, bishez. (playful music)
