How To Survive Your Own Narcissistic Family

if you have ongoing exposure to controlling people it's a virtual certainty that you're going to experience blurry boundaries which is why i have created the extensive online course called this is me establishing boundaries with the controllers in your life there's a link below that will give you all of the details and i hope that you would find it in therapeutic without a doubt i can say that one of the most common situations that i would work with people on in my counseling office is the whole situation of having to come to terms with living inside a family system that's dominated by narcissistic themes sometimes you have just one very strong narcissistic member of a family that just runs roughshod over all the rest more often than not you can have maybe a dominant narcissist inside a family system with all sorts of minions who are going along with that whether it's the enablers or the many narcissists or you know flying monkeys and things like that and you're over here thinking this is driving me crazy it's making me less and less effective as a person you can have all sorts of memories of holidays that have been ruined or just simple family gatherings that you would have you know going over to grandma's house for saturday night supper certainly whenever there's a situation where a person is um is ill inside the family and how we're going to treat that person end of life situations and things like that i mean the possibilities of engaging with narcissists inside of a family are endless now in order for you to break free from this strongly narcissistic family system first we're going to say that knowledge is power the more you understand the themes that are predominant in these kind of families then the more it can give you a springboard to know i'm going to this is what i'm going to do differently so i want to talk with you about seven very common themes that we see inside of narcissistic families and then we're going to talk about what we can do so that you don't get caught up in all of the turmoil that this generates now first and foremost you have the theme of dominance superseding love in narcissistic families uh there's just an uh an understanding uh the the narcissist says i'm the one that's in charge don't you forget it and these individuals can have a very strong authoritarian style of engaging with you you'd like to think that a family is a place where love is taught and his love is just a given but with narcissists like no dominance is taught you need to know who's in charge here you need to know who caused the shots and make sure that you understand your position inside a system that has that kind of theme which then leads of course to a second theme and that is expectations supersede acceptance you'd like to think that family is the place that you can go where you know that you're going to be accepted just for what you are maybe the world out there is less than than generous toward you but it's like at least i have my family well there's some people it's like oh if i go to my family i'm not going to be accepted uh so much of the narcissistic system is all about uh fitting people into a mold and there's a uh there's kind of an indoctrination that's that's been there for so long and so it's like well the more i go into that system all i know is the only thing that matters is the agenda i've been taught the agenda my entire life and there's no room for deviation from the agenda so i don't know that i can be accepted by these people well that being the case then a third theme that we tend to see in these families is that the false self supersedes the exploration of the real self going along with the notion that says we'd like for family to be a safe place it's like no ins inside of narcissistic families uh if you're that person that's trying to break free you're thinking there is no way that i'm about to reveal my real self to these people and you know that if you talk about what you really want or think or feel or how you interpret things you're going to get clobbered if you say anything that you know breaks the image that everybody is trying to portray and so it's all about keeping up a front as long as you keep the proper front up we're going to be okay but other than that it's it's curtains for you well that leads then to the understanding of a fourth theme and that is telling supersedes discussing you'd like to think that in healthy families there's a lot of sharing and curiosity about who we are you know i've got this preference but i know you have your life experiences why don't we just all talk about what makes sense to each one of us and see if we can come up with a consensus no inside narcissistic families there's a lot of mandates there's a lot of forcefulness there's the sense it says look let me tell you here's how you need to be and whenever you have something that you'd like to share that would be a bit different there's interrupting or there's invalidation all of that well that being the case then a fifth pattern tends to emerge and that is conformity supersedes creative exploration you know inside families let's suppose that you have something that says you're the kind of person that says well i want to try this over here or i know that you want me to be this way but i've kind of got an idea that i'd like to run down and inside narcissistic family systems it's like ah no no um we don't we don't do deviations around here and if you think differently you want to go to a different belief system or a different pattern of of managing your affairs that's that's considered treason that's considered a rejection of us you'd better not do that conformity is so important well then that leads to another pattern and that is anger supersedes patient teaching the the anger inside of narcissistic families is just just a given there's lots of agitation and irritability and impatience what's wrong with you and why can't you do things and and so whenever you bring up something that's different or if you do something or fail or disagree then there's no discipline but by the way the classic sense of the word discipline is simply to teach but instead the anger is there to punish it's punitive and you can have contempt you can have just a stone walling that can be a part of it to say nothing of the rage and the forcefulness and the the guilt inductions that go along with that lots of shame communication well then that leads to a seventh pattern and that is if you're going to stay inside this narcissistic family system shallowness supersedes deep connections there are no deep connections inside a narcissistic family system because superficiality is what it's all about narcissism is all about covering up the real self it's all about compensating for inadequacies but of course these people can't go into that space externals are way more important than going into the internals so here you are inside your narcissistic family system and of course there are all sorts of things patterns inside of you that can emerge that are less than healthy you can get caught up in the anger and you can have all sorts of uh hate or disgust towards these individuals you wind up becoming a keeper of secrets you can perhaps sometimes go into your rebelliousness sometimes it's a very overt nature other times it's a passive aggressive form of non-compliance but it's your way of saying uh i i can't stand these people uh you can sometimes go into a codependent pattern acquiescing to that individual just laying down your uniqueness other times you can just do it in your face let me tell you kind of angry exchange with that family anytime you have that reactive pattern like that it means that you're still caught up in all of their garbage so let's just uh let's just pause and figure out what am i gonna do uh if i've got this narcissistic system and it's very clear that these people have no intention of working with me or engaging with me towards a healthier alternative first and foremost we're going to say stop breathe deeply and give yourself time to simply reflect and it may be that in your times of reflection you may be somebody that says well i want to read about healthy ways of living and healthy alternatives i want to get my thoughts together perhaps you might journal perhaps you'll seek counseling which i think is a wonderful situation or a possibility if you have that kind of uh history but give yourself time permission and say i'm going to pull back and i'm not going to just get caught up in the frenzy that this system brings to me that being the case the second thing that you can do is to develop your own vision of who you are what are the traits that you want to have most predominant and specifically how do those traits translate to day to day scenarios if there is that disagreement or if you do have a preference or if you do have an interpretation that's different as you have a vision of who you are what would that healthy you say and do and respond even when you know that you're not going to be the same as these individuals give yourself permission to define who you're going to be a third notion that as far as breaking away from that narcissistic family system is when you need to speak up but don't make the speaking up the end game there may be times when you'll need to say to those narcissistic people i don't think the same as you i don't have the same priorities or beliefs or preferences or interpretations as you go ahead and say it but then also know that there's an incredibly low likelihood that these people say oh good tell me more because they're not going to do that and so don't make your speaking up the end game instead a fourth thing that you can do is make your personal adjustments the end game go further see yourself as being the family member that's willing to break from all of those duties and expectations and requirements and if they get mad well you know by definitions in our definition narcissists have a whole lot of anger anyway and so if they get mad they're just being what they are but you can go further you can do better you can be better commit yourself to your healthy initiatives as opposed to staying in conflict and in combat with these individuals who simply aren't going to make the adjustments and then a final thing that we can say is when you're dealing with these people manage your time with them very judiciously it could be that you'll have to break away completely and i've known people who've just said i'm done i'm out it may be that that's not really a realistic possibility and so you'll have to measure your times with these individuals carefully and uh and in the moments that you have you just stay functional with them and that's about it but then the rest of it is you have your own life and you live it unapologetically so when you have this narcissistic system where the name of the game is dominance and control and insensitivity and conformity i'm hoping there can be a sense in you that says i know better i'm on to you uh your your style of life even though you may have trained me in it for a long time it doesn't work for me anymore i'm on team healthy right now and i'm not going to engage with you in the ways that you demand but you see um i don't have to filter my life through you anymore i'll honor family as best as i can but then even more so i honor good character that's what i stand for i do hope that videos such as this give you some good food for thought if you've not done so already i would encourage you to hit that subscribe button also you may know that i have my dr les carter channel where i discuss other issues as well and you can subscribe to that one as well if you have a need for counseling and this topic we're talking about can pro can prompt the need for counseling if there's someone in your area that i would strongly encourage you to seek that out or if you would prefer differently there's online counseling and we have a sponsor that would take you to an entire team of online therapists with licensed and experienced counselors that could assist you and you could choose from those i would strongly encourage you to get the counseling you need in addition i have courses that and these are not just one-off uh seminars but they're a whole series of videos and written material and worksheets and things of that nature this is me which is about boundaries and uh free to be which is about finding yourself and establishing your own separate identity and so if you would find those to be helpful i would encourage you to seek those out and of course we have my books etc you know sometimes family systems can put a lot of pressure on you to be just as dysfunctional as they are but you know what you can say no to that and instead you can say yes to your own decency and to your own growth initiative your own healthiness is not something they have ownership of that's something you get to decide

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 82,174

Keywords: dysfunctional families, narcissistic parents, narcissism, covert narcissism, gaslighting, malignant narcissism, relationship boundaries, assertiveness, Dr. Les Carter

Id: vdcATqiGwF8

Length: 14min 14sec (854 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 05 2021