- You're going to learn
how to stop somebody from interrupting you
using verbal techniques. A while back I made a related video, with Vanessa Van Edwards,
that focused mostly on non-verbal techniques
to prevent somebody from interrupting you,
as nicely as possible. Since then, I've received
lots of comments that say that some people don't pick
up on those non-verbal cues. So in today's video, we're
going to address some of those questions and look directly at verbal strategies that are
assertive but not aggressive. If you wanna see that original
interview with Vanessa, I will put link to that in the
description below the video. I wanna give you one point of
clarification before the tips. The goal of this video
is not about teaching you how to put another person in
their place or control people. Virtually every video I
make, shows you how to be at your best, for your
side of the conversation. I don't teach techniques about
how to outmaneuver people. that approach causes more
problems than it solves. The bottom line philosophy is this, the better you get at your
side of the conversation, the fewer problems you'll
have with other people in most conversations. These tips are for
face-to-face interaction. If you're having a
conversation on the phone, then you'll have to
adapt this advice as best you can for yourself, because I don't make videos
about phone communication. Let's talk about some dos and some don'ts, and the first tip is a do,
communicate assertively. This means expressing your
message clearly and concisely, with a calm and composed attitude. So here are some sample statements. Let's assume that you're already talking and somebody else is signaling that they want to talk before
you're talking turn is over, or they're actively
trying to interrupt you by talking over you. Don't stop talking. Just transition right into
one of these statements. This is level one. These statements will go from
least intense to most intense. "I'm almost finished." "Sorry, I'm not done yet." "Just a second. Let me finish." And if you've already said
one of these in a conversation then you can follow up with a statement that's a
little bit more intense. "Please, I'm asking you to let me finish." You can put these in your own words, just make sure you're
following the other principles we'll be talking about in the video. I've heard some people add
statements to this like, "Let me finish so I don't
forget what I'm saying." And if that fits your style, adding a detail like that is nice because it explains why you
don't want to be interrupted. The second do is using the right tone of voice and projecting
the right attitude. If you say these with a
kind and composed tone, as I've just done my best
to model, then you'll be communicating professionally, that you're not done talking yet. In contrast, you don't want to
sound frustrated or annoyed. If those sample statements
already sound too direct or pushy to you, were going to be practicing them again in a moment to help you get more comfortable
saying them naturally. The third do is use I-Language. Part of the reason those
sample statements are assertive and not aggressive, is
that you are literally framing these statements with the word I or me, rather than saying, you, you, you. So let's practice them again
to make it more comfortable, and notice the eye language. I also recommend holding up your finger or hand about this high. That subtle nonverbal cue
will reinforce your words. So say these along with me. "I'm almost finished." "Sorry, I'm not done yet." "Just a second. Let me finish my point." "Let me finish so I don't
forget what I'm saying." And if you've already said one
of these in the conversation, then you can increase the
directness a little bit more and say, "Please, I'm asking
you to let me finish." If you struggle communicating assertively, practice these aloud,
role play it on your own, until they come out naturally, with very little emotional intensity. Now, here's some don'ts
that are worth mentioning. Don't use passive-aggressive,
nonverbal cues, like rolling your eyes,
throwing your hands up in the air, smirking, or
other nonverbal signals, that show you're offended in some way. These will not stop the
person from interrupting you, and you're very likely
to increase the tension in the conversation. The key is to speak as non
verbally, calm, and composed, as you can, and that's
going to help your assertive and direct statements
come across the right way, and increase the chances that you will be successful
in preventing the interrupter. Here's another, don't. Don't use You-Language. That's the opposite of
using the I-Language that we mentioned. Don't say things like
you, "You interrupted me." "Would you stop interrupting me?" "Would you mind not interrupting
me anymore? Please?" "Do you plan to keep
interrupting me like this?" "You are being very rude." These statements point the
finger at the other person, and try to put the other person in their place or dominate them, and that's not likely to work out for you, and it's not what this video is about. We're here to learn how
to stop the other person from interrupting you. You-Language will escalate the situation and hurt the relationship. If you have a very direct tone,
and you make you statements, you'll come across as aggressive, and of course another don't, is using passive-aggressive
combinations of words and tones. Passive-aggressive sounds like this. "Excuse me, I'm speaking. I'm speaking." Anytime you hear people using
that overly sweet, or smiley sing-songy, condescending
tone, and they're repeating themselves like that, it sounds
self-righteous and judgey, and you could probably get
away with saying, "Excuse me" once or twice if you have the right tone, but in general, that
passive aggressive-attitude I just demonstrated, and
that repetition is just another form of unhealthy
control, that'll likely create bad blood between you and the
person you're talking with. It will also make you look unprofessional and high-maintenance to
anybody else who happens to be watching. Passive-aggressive communicators
like that often don't even realize that they're
coming across that way, and they usually have very low credibility in the eyes of others. Now, let's go on to level two. Here's another do. Give the other person
direct feedback about it. So if you've tried the statements
that we've been talking about, a few conversations in a row, and the person continues to interrupt you, then it's time to give them feedback. You're gonna have this
conversation face-to-face, one-on-one, and as
professionally as possible. Prepare your concise talking
points ahead of time, and practice them aloud, until you feel both composed and natural. If you're still hotheaded
in the conversation you might say something you regret. So let's assume you set up
a meeting with this person who keeps interrupting,
you swing by their office, knock on the door and say hello, and you're invited in to
have the conversation. Here's some starter sentences
that'll help you as a sample. "I wanted to give you some
feedback I hope will be helpful." "I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but you have been interrupting
me at meetings lately." "I'm sure you did not
intend any disrespect." "I just wanted to bring
it to your attention." That's four concise sentences. You could say that in about 15 seconds, and it's 80% eye language, and then you politely stop
talking, leave some space for the other person
to hear what you said, absorb it, and respond. Now at this point in the conversation, you have done everything
that you set out to do. You've communicated your feedback, you've assumed no ill
intent on their part, and remember what I said earlier, your goal is not to
control the other person, you are responsible for yourself. They are responsible for themselves. It's now up to them to
stop interrupting you. You cannot force them. It's important not to
think of this conversation as a competition or a chess game. So let's talk about how they might react. Once you say your part, they may have one of three
reactions in the moment. First, they may say, thank
you for your feedback. They might apologize and say
they'll try to do better. Maybe they just needed your reminder. Second, they may ask
you for some examples, and want to talk about it more. Assume they are genuinely curious about when they've done this
and be ready with a couple of brief examples or a third
for a variety of reasons, they may want to debate
you or argue with you, they may come across as defensive, but here's the secret to the whole thing. It doesn't really matter how they react because you've given your feedback. So there's no need to debate them, and if they try to argue, don't
attempt to outmaneuver them. Just listen and respectfully remind them, that you only wanted to
give them the feedback and it's up to them to do
with it what they will. But I'm willing to bet
that in 99% of the cases, even if they try to
debate you in the moment, the other person will very
likely do their best not to interrupt you as
frequently in the future. So they could be upset, or defensive, you just stay composed, stay calm, because you've already done your part. Now it's up to them to
think about that feedback, and hopefully make a change. Now if they change, wonderful. However, if you head into a
meeting a day or two later and they keep interrupting
you, go right back to the fundamentals we
mentioned earlier on level one. "I'm almost finished." "Sorry, I'm not done yet." "Just a second. Let me finish my point." And don't let any frustration show. Just be at your best, and when they hear you say
that, it'll remind them of your conversation about
it and hopefully that will make a big difference. I know you could be watching this, and feel like giving
direct feedback like this could be intimidating, or perhaps it won't make a positive difference, well, I wanna share with you my experience I had a few years ago. I was regularly in meetings with a person who was above
me in the organization. This person would interrupt
me multiple times, in every single meeting. They didn't like me,
from what I could tell, and disagreed with me on
tons of different issues. When I spoke, I got the feeling that they were interrupting me
as a way to not let my point of view, or me, into the discussion. So here's what I did. First, I followed the process
that you've been learning in this video. Level one, I signaled
several times in meetings that I wasn't quite finished, so that didn't work with this person. Level two, I requested a
one-on-one conversation, and I delivered my feedback almost exactly the way that you just learned. It took me about 15 seconds
and I stayed composed. Now, here's the good news. Even though this relationship
was already in a bad place, I wanna give that person a lot of credit, because they took my feedback really well, all things considered, they
genuinely didn't seem to realize they were interrupting me, and they signaled that they
did not want to be the kind of person who routinely cut
off others in conversations, and they made huge improvements, reducing their future interruptions by about 90%, just to a normal
level of conversation. Now, this didn't turn the
relationship completely around, but at least I never had to
mention interruptions again. Now keep in mind, some
level of interruption and overlapping talk, is totally normal. We are only human, nobody's perfect, and we should all be willing
to tolerate some interruptions without getting too annoyed by it, and lots of people
confessed in the comments of that other video I mentioned, that they had a bad habit of interrupting. If you wanna reduce
your own interruptions, I recommend watching any of the videos that I've posted on listening skills. Better listening skills
are really the cure for your own interrupting habits. I'll put links to those
videos below, as well as, the interview with Vanessa
Van Edwards I mentioned. I'll put it all in the
description, as well as, some other resources,
including a free PDF download about the five essential
communication skills that every professional should have. I look forward to reading your comments, so feel free to put your own
thoughts and opinions below. Till next time, God bless
and I will see you soon.
