How To Stay Married (So FAR) The FOUR Uncomfortable Questions to ASK Before STARTING a RELATIONSHIP!

hello everybody good morning good evening good afternoon whenever you are watching or listening if you want to watch you can watch us on our YouTube channel the salala ad's or you can listen to some podcast wherever you may listen to your podcast Mark's taking his temperature something he does quite a lot but we're not really going to explain that we're just going to let that be we were supposed to start this podcast about 25 minutes ago but Mark's been playing fly badminton so if you hear a fly in the background I do apologize that's it um welcome to how to stay married so far um what are we doing doesn't know what we're doing today now I do not have a strict algorithm feeding me only things that a six-year-old woman would see because I Dart about all over the place do you actively do you actively agitate your algorithm I agitate my algorithm I follow age groups that I wouldn't necessarily be in fact I don't follow many people of my age so I get all sorts of things sent to me and I love that and but my God Mark the Gen z's are on it car Bonet on it I which are they gen Z are genz are the most recent no generation Alpha is under 15 so yeah our kids our kids but but you know right up to 30 I think but anyway they've got life sorted I saw a whole article the other day are you in shot yeah we've just moved around a lot and well my chin might be a bit close to the bottom but I'm back up I'm sitting back up oh yeah but you're going to move it doesn't matter I I'm I can't move I'm trapped just stay where you are if our heads are different sizes I'm sure they'll forgive us so annoying this is a podcast that we happen to put on YouTube no not a movie something on YouTube that happens to be a podcast oh sorry well you could have lit me a bit better than I could have had some hair and makeup oh my God anyway so so Jen's ear the other day I saw this article of a Genia that said I tried to to I tried to have the sleeping habits of a baby boomer and it nearly killed me for one week so this Genia goes to bed and so do all her friends at 9:00 in the evening having had a light supper at 5:00 so that she digested all her food by the time she got into bed what baby boomer does that she tried to drink like a baby boomer and she thought she was going to have to be hospitalized where the Baby Boomers by the way so they're just very pure they're much more pure than us they're much more clean much more bloody sensible so I got served up by the algorithm this um post and it said at four uncomfortable questions you should ask yourself before you enter into a relationship no used to us is it we're in it no but I thought God this would be so funny to show that generation because actually though a lot of it does sound very [ __ ] boring they're very sensible I'm also in hu got huge admiration for them as well one of my observations of gen not all all of this is a gross generalization obviously there's a whole bunch of geners who are going to be in high high park for any minute now getting stoned out of their faces um what I've noticed with a lot of genz though or a lot of younger there's the flight with a lot of younger people is they're very administrative they write a lot of things down they like to J journaling is good for you is it yep never managed we going to journal I've got a journal I've got a journal app and I get alert telling me to write your Journal write something now about and then it tells you where you've been what photographs you've taken to try and trip you into writing something maybe I should try that I quite like it I started but I did one we both given up with Jingo I'm got no Jingo has got nothing to do with journaling it's not a language thing no I know but we did Jingo every day for 450 speak any Spanish we just did it for the streak we couldn't speak a [ __ ] word of French by the end of it but we gave that time to joingo so Mark we did Spanish you did Spanish I did French right why Wanted classic there no use whatsoever very unz we would have learned together and then taken regular weekend trips to said country to practice our what we'd learned what's happening to you what are you talking about said country okay country origin of the language you're learning so so I thought it'd be quite funny if we took a little retrospective look back and how good it would have been for us maybe or maybe not to have asked ourselves these four uncomfortable questions before we entered into relationship can just pause because but of course we will have to then explain how we did enter our relationship but asking any question before entering a relationship sounds incredibly responsible and sort of you're not but you're not in a relationship you're only asking yourself no no I know but who in their right mind is going to sit down and ask themselves a checklist of questions before they go on a date or consider romantic you know what if our girls had maybe had some earlier initial um relationships right and they'd had a breakup I would probably not sit down and ask these questions but I would probably say you know I'd say to them you know one of the big mistakes I've made in my life was I went from one relationship to another with very little break in between right and if I had my time again I would have had more single time and if I'd had my time again I would have just investigated a bit more what had gone on and what you know was I ready so in a way I've learned that having got to 60 here's a c question but I wouldn't say sit down and ask yourself these questions if you'd allowed yourself we'll get on to the questions but if you'd allowed yourself in the broadest of brush Strokes that time between say before meeting me maybe we wouldn't have got together there well there's no Perfect Solutions here cuz maybe an irrational complicated messy quite distressing and dysfunctional kind of tripping into a relationship the the Beautiful Disaster as we describe it could be the way forward for some classic Mark he giv away the ending at the beginning is that the ending yes cuz we were going to start and then we were going to say how we did get into well I'm not I don't necessarily think it's like okay hit us with the question I had a plan and he didn't know it's B so right if try and take yourself back God okay right and ask yourself this question yes have I developed a strong sense of selfworth and self-love independently of a relationship what so hang on where am I why just before you're going to go in a relationship with me so 33 30 no how old was I 30 I can answer this for you no no I'm just trying to I'm just trying to Coss my mind back no could you've done a spoiler of my own answer no I mean categorically not were you no this isn't going to last long is it do I feel comfortable about who I am and sure of who I want to be no were you comfortable with who you wanted to be maybe you I think you had Ambitions of who you want not jobs not work but who you wanted to be yes yeah well explain a bit more so well so for instance I would say that you weren't when I met you you'd been a player you'd been unfaithful person you'd done a lot of gading about and I think that you wanted something other than that yes I agree but you didn't know even how to begin to imagine it because you were in so much chaos yeah I didn't know that what was required to achieve it was everything in question one which was selfworth and selflove um self L I think is huge I don't think anyone can say self lelf I don't does anyone really have self- Lov I think do they I think there's a real problem with self love and I tell you why it's sounds insurmountable that for anyone that is struggling well I'm pleased you say that cuz it speaks to it speaks to something that I was talking about in a couple of lives I did this week with c and Lee I think there is a an I think there's something about all of the kind of Social Media Chat and advice and memes and all this stuff that podcast all that stuff that puts enormous pressure on us to sort of think that there is a solution or that there is some kind of absolute aspirational goal a sort of sweet spot that we can all get to and I think my I feel like my not my job but part of what we try and do is to try and kind of actually remove the kind of Rose tinted glasses around where your destination is with mental health or self- Lov or self-worth because we are forever flowing and we are forever going to have a day that's bad and then a day that's good and it's about trying to and I think some of the best things I've I've received from my most recent sort of therapy is the idea that we can't change the good and bad but we can change how much damage it does to you and how much you let it in and don't let it in and when you do let it in too much how you can try and sort of curtail the self harm or the upset so well I think what's dangerous is that people imagine that there is a destination and you get offis and you're on the platform of self love and what I'm always just so terrified of using the word but it is a word I've got to use what moist no the [ __ ] I don't know I just Journey oh no I know I'm sorry but it is and it's a never ending journey and it's jumping in and out of pools of happiness or a puddle of of self-worth or a bit of love self love so if somebody's going oh my God I don't love myself and also as Brits we find it very difficult to say love myself there a whole huge thing but I think if you it's about starting to respect that your desires are valid that's what I would say we've been watching we've both been mad about um Married at First Sight Australia and if anybody's watching that I think Lucinda the character luinda is a perfect example of that she's been through a very difficult early years she's had a really difficult time and she is a woman where it's not just having an out of Body Experience why I don't know I'm looking at you but things are morphing you know when you look at someone talking and it all goes you're bored no I'm not bored bored not bored at all no no I'm really I'm really interested but I feel like I'm glad you're interested cuz now you stop me right Lucinda no we're talking about Lucinda no I agree sorry so this character she has got to a place you don't feel oh Lucinda loves herself but she has leared to respect herself and to be able to ask for what she wants so that's what I think love self- Lov is and I didn't have that when I first met you my answer to this question would be no but I'd been given something with my childhood I'd been held I had a really good mom and dad um with their faults but I knew that I was worth something and I was chaotic off that but it meant that I could come back to it if I chose I think that's a really good analogy and I think what you're sort of talking about there is you had a sort of foundation of stability well yeah and a foundation of stability from which you could go on sort of missions and sorties of Madness but you could always land back in the your whole brain and your whole being was blong until 5 years ago I mean my analogy 5 years ago my analogy with all of it is like think of the London Underground map it's the circle line I've always been fascinated by the circle line cuz it never ends you get on a train you could just stay on it it's the journey and it goes on and it goes on and yet you get on the circle line in London and you are going to a destination it's just that that destination will be different it will be somewhere else on that Circle and I think the whole it's a really important thing so this idea of self- Lov in a relationship I not in a Rel outside Rel outside of relationship I I here's my concern I think if I was a self-loving selworthy and I don't mean this in a derogatory way but sort of you know knew my worth happy clappy kind of a we see this is the problem this is the way Brits talk about it as soon as you go but if I was all those things which I think why you have to be all those things no no no but they're all they're all really desirable like they're totally wanky you sounding like you think they wanky you think you're sounding like you agree with any of it you're not my journey with Lucinda on Married at First Sight has been a curious one yeah cuz you were very reluctant at first I said I want to run for the hills you I couldn't bear it you had right armpit you had everything but she's given me a really important lesson cuz I think we can sometimes not see what the qualities are of a partner because one's living it in such close-ups so I'm with you we go through so much together I've managed to see in the way she's been with the partner without going too I don't want to go into the detail of this cuz you might not have watched it anymore but the way she's helped this guy or held this guy that she's trying to kind of develop a relationship with I've really it's really made me reflect on a lot of the things that you've done for me and how you've held me across the years and it's really made me appreciate that in a very different way thank you and it's also made me and it's also reminded me how that concept of someone being able to hold you one can feel deeply suspicious about it if you haven't had that stability so I think my problem in all of my life she had lovely parents precisely and I and it's not that I didn't have a lovely you know my mom was lovely and my and Granddad were great but it was it was chaotic it was it wasn't stable in the way that normal stability is it was neglectful in a lot of ways yeah exactly and and one just kind of I just kind of navigated my own root through it all in a very sort of confused fashion and so I don't think I if I'd had self-worth or self- Lov or any of these kind of sort of anchoring qualities I don't know whether I'd have entered any of the relationships I entered into maybe none of the relationships you entered into were right for you maybe entered into ours even the one with me yeah no but at that time it wouldn't have been right so it's weird this because then of course you go into the Panic of thinking oh my God what if I had been well we wouldn't have met and it wouldn't have been right and then it was like well thank God I was a mess thank God we were both messes because otherwise we wouldn't have together keep giving away the ending that's true what's the next question is that question one and two question that no that was two questions question one next do I have the time and energy to invest in building and maintaining a relationship right I think both of us absolutely did I would say the because we always make the time but I also think I would honestly say and I would honestly say this that outside of the sort of um what would you call them you know very shortterm flings and stands yeah where yeah wherever there was a sort of meaningful relationship that took form I had every intention and desire for it to want to I I was Comm like you I've never been one of those people who gets into a relationship I just dating someone now it's like if if I was if I saw somebody more than once it meant that there was a complete possibility of a total future it's everything I I don't understand these people who say things like well I'm with him but definitely not until until my mid 20s I'm like it's definitely not the one that's like a dark diagnosis I know it's weird maybe it's cuz we're both Scorpio both ADHD the Loy things so I think I've always had the what was the question again have you got the intention and the what do I have the time energy to invest in building and maintaining a relationship right okay I've had the intention have I had the energy I think I have had the energy but I think it's a simple yes and what was the other one the time I haven't allowed myself the time no no you keep getting it wrong this is you are not in a relationship and you're asking yourself the question and I think if you were asking you would have said yes I would have said yes and then will I be able to prioritize someone else's emotional wants need along my own alongside my own I would have liked to have thought I could but I absolutely don't think I would have done been able to but if I ask myself that question I think I think hang on here's a problem with this whole [ __ ] Escapade asking these questions of yourself in a hypothetical situation where you're before you're in a relationship and all this yeah but this is for geners who are thinking about going into a relationship that's who we're talking to but I think a lot of people can be very arrogant about themselves and they'll say yes to that but actually just cuz you say yes doesn't mean you can but stop [ __ ] splitting hairs that's not a hair split no Mark shut up it's not you're going off on a tangent we're not talking about people that might say it and we're saying we're in ourselves well I think a lot of gen investigating the these questions but I think you could what I'm saying is you could you could delude yourself you could answer in the affirmative but be utterly incapable of doing you can say that by every single question but I think that I think the point here is that there is a difference that I think we were done a service and a disservice Our Generations that we didn't even think we could ask these questions of ourselves that we didn't even think we could know what to ask for or want or want you know we very much fell into almost every relationship we had didn't and it was like I hope that what's I hope what we've given our girls is that they're constantly building on all this stuff it's not a point of stopping and pausing and considering and asking these questions I hope that they ever evolving into you know young women who have a sense of St self have a sense of what's the right and wrong way to be treated have an ability to know that they can walk away and they will be held and would be supported um and even if say we s we suddenly disappeared off the face of the Earth they would still be able to walk away with their heads held high and and say this isn't right for me because I have a deep sense of who I am and what I want yes I think if we had been if we'd split up a few months after we'd met we would have walked away and we would have just been more chaotic and we would have fallen into something else that was messy I don't think we were too strong I'd had I'd had terrible trauma trauma before you had had a like a traumatic life we were both drinking like [ __ ] nutcases we were not well we were not emotionally mentally or probably even physically well yes and yet we I think it was it was graft and a another level that was going on in us that brought us together and kept us together but I I think we're lucky well I I don't think it's I was going to say that that's why everyone at our wedding was saying this won't last they were right to think that we proved them wrong but they were right to think that yeah I think you're right and I but sometimes I sort of think you know aren't all these questions the things that you're maybe not they're not on a list on a piece of paper that you're ticking off and going through and answering directly but aren't these the kind of things that one is passing through one or is filtering through one I was all impulse and Instinct I wasn't ever asking I agree but I this goes back to something we were talking about earlier today with one of our kids and and and this is the idea that we do live in a time where there is so much more language and reflection which is why it's important that you've pulled this up and say this is a and and I've said this is an example of gen Z kind of doing this kind of audit almost of their emotions good word because in in doing that I think think sometimes I think there's there's the plus and there's the negative and I think it's easy for us older people to go oh you're removing all of the impulse you're removing all of the just falling hang on just falling into things and all that kind of stuff but actually you could look back at the kind of chaos and Carnage of the vast majority of relationships that came from our era if you like and when I say that that doesn't mean that lots of people can point to people who stay together but sometimes of a different era have stayed together at what cost I mean if I look at even my grandparents you know this wasn't these weren't relationship this was just convention this wasn't relationships that were meant to be they just had to happen and they had to get on with it and make it work and I think there's an important distinction between feeling like you have to just get on and make a relationship work and doing what we did which was we want this relationship to work and then getting on and working at it that's well we had a baby yeah up many other concerns different way deep in our souls we the respon I'm going to say something quite I've never said this had MD we wouldn't have stayed together if we when we had Maddie it threw me into it it was both the making and the triggering of of the worst moment in my life and on the one hand it I threw myself she you it the situation didn't I threw myself into the darkest state of fear cuz I had two children already I was like oh my God is the same [ __ ] thing going to play out again where I'm unable to meet this I knew this was different and then coming through the rock bottom and the trauma and everything else it was then absolutely I would say like you say the making of us and the making of me within that trauma and within that mess and within the car crash that I smashed into a wall we both did in our own respective ways because we were both drawn to each other within that was the DNA of our recovery but you're right it's so [ __ ] rare it's so rare to be a to get through what you really really hard and it still is yeah at times I recognize that it still is and you know I mean if we were to ask these question if we weren't together now would you be able to would you answer these questions differently to what you were before say we separated or I died I don't know that because I don't know what's my what was my you know where I am now at 60 this year I've just got a lot of life experience haven't I but I would hope so but I don't think so I think our relationship has been a relationship where it's been a 20e conf conversation and people might go well isn't every marriage no people stop conversing quite early on in a lot of relationship so we've had a relationship of Discovery and your intense period of Discovery because of going to rehab and all of that of course spel out on me otherwise I I wouldn't I wouldn't have been fast traed into thinking differently and and looking at what my you know what I wanted and who I was and all of that that um what's the final question that's not the final one oh I said we can do these too quickly oh no no no no no sorry I thought we were on question have I considered how my past experiences with love and relationships May INF influence my current attitudes and behaviors now I think this is really really important and this is what I always do say to younger people and we've said in other podcasts actually when we've talked about breakups is that it is essential even if the person that you were with was the most awful person in the world and everybody else said it too you also have to look at where you were culpable it may be the simple thing of why do I keep choosing the same person I'm culpable in this because I keep choosing the same person with a different name with the same behaviors and end up feeling the same way and end up feeling treated the same so unless you give yourself time in between and I remember when we were first together and I was like really like I don't know if I want to do this it was because I was starting to get a sense of that that all my relationships had gone one to one to one to one and the relationship before you had been a very difficult one um and I hadn't had time to process and I'd gone into that difficult relationship because something really tragic had happened to me before that and I was just starting to get the sense of if I go into another one now who Am What Am I who am I and I've had this sense and this fear of losing myself I didn't know at that time how um I think I was just I think CU When I very first met you I thought this is somebody which is what you are that is really smart and really capable and really skilled and really hardworking and maybe for once I can lean into them and be a bit sort of looked after emotionally and then when I started to see that also you were in like me not in a good place that was the first time I'd ever been scared for myself you were still lovely but I was like and I'm not talking about this really even thought there was something instinctive going on in me that said I need I can't do another relationship where I'm looking after somebody where I'm rescuing somebody cuz that's my illness do you feel you've managed to find that s back have you managed to kind of AR do you still feel like you're in that fug of fear in what way well can I can I you know cuz I mean we have a very we're very codependent we pull each other up we look up you know you're very emotionally intelligent so you can really read me and read you know do you feel that you've do you feel it do you feel you were right to be fearful or do you are you pleased I was right to be fearful and at times it's been so so hard and as I said you know with with our lowest times if it wasn't being for M I would have absolutely won for pills cuz I couldn't cope with it I couldn't I just couldn't I was just losing myself so so completely and I was so unhappy and I was just I didn't know what to do and I had nobody to ask and I had no sorry sweetie no but that's all right it wasn't because you were nasty it was because you weren't well and then so but the thing is with us it's like all [ __ ] or all sugar you know like I when we are good there is just nobody that I prefer to be spend even a minute with instead do you know what I mean but there is no doubt about it you having bipolar and having depression is hard but it's also I can't separate that from the things that I love about you now one thing I wanted to say off the back somebody laid it all out yes in a on a script yes and said well this is going to do it then you're going to find out that you know that you you that that Mark was an alcoholic then you're going to find out that this I was oh God I'm not going to be able to deal with that but it's not like that life isn't like that life unfolds it's the circle line it's a circle line it's the journey and I think if you've got a fundamental like I've always said to you and actually Lucinda says this in married for such cuz I saw your heart and I've always said that about you do you like my jam I like your jam you like my jam um I'd always seen your and I've always known your heart so even when things are have been really difficult you you know that's it's always pumping um what I wanted to say on this which I think is really important to say that yeah yeah yeah is um I would I would go so far as to say this is what I've learned somewhat in life through difficult experience myself in in some of the relationships I've been in anyone who thinks in any sort of difficult period or conflict or issue that's going on within a relationship and I don't mean at the extreme end of you know control and domestic AB all that I'm not going that far but if you're in a troubled relationship a relationship that's not succeeding a relationship where there's a lot of Blame Game stuff going on that relationship is never going to work if anyone of the two parties truly thinks they're blameless yeah if you think if you go into no matter what even if it's like your fander and partner is doing it again and again and again if you go into any kind of negotiation couples therapy or any attempt kind of bridge things or even or even when you come out and live your life with children separated from each other to just hold one person responsible for everything must just cave at that again excluding coercive controlling or bullying relationship I'm talking I'm I'm really two decent people yeah I'm talking about the sort of normal cut Andross of relationships married or divorced or separating or why is that happening where is the breakdown in communication one of the massive breakdowns in communication one of the massive breakdowns of relationships is the absolute disbelief in some in some halves of a partnership that they are utterly blameless for the situation because it can be that like NY just said you are purposefully drawing yourself or drawing people in of a certain type you are you know we've said it many times before you can be engaging and having relationships that Converge on a form of self harm because you're getting something from it you might want to be again not in the extreme examples you might want to be in a relationship where actually your sort of modus operandus is to moan or to complain or to feel victimized and you know so many relationships I see or I hear about I think God if only you could both share the spoils of responsibility because in that are The Spoils of recovery I think sometimes people have to be really honest and think is why I am finding fault in every single way with this person because not actually that they've got a thousand faults but actually I don't want them anymore well there is that too because I think sometimes people are finding lots of FS cuz they just don't want if you really don't want your partner anymore you have to face that yeah absolutely so last question do I have a clear remember you're not in the relationship do I have a Clear Vision going back to 33 years old of the kind of partner I want to be ah I've always had a Clear Vision on that and I'm willing to work on myself to become that person I would say yes to half of that question and no to the other half yes I did have a clear vision of the kind part I wanted no I didn't even know what the work was I I was like for somebody that was quite sort of anti-marriage and very sort of feminist when I was younger and very like I don't need a man I also had quite a romantic idea that you would meet somebody and it would all just work out that's what I thought right and I think that is the I think you're supposed to think that when you're younger aren't you you're supposed to think you're just going to meet somebody it's all going to work out that's part of being young I wasn't Young when I met you no how old was I 397 No 3 I was 30 you were 37 ask the question again I just want to remember the two different distinctions do I have a clear vision of the kind right of partner I want to be so like when you were growing up you imagined yourself I did what was your what did you imagine well a supportive a present a caring considerate and available father is it and a husband or partner yes good but and what was the second bit am I willing to work on myself to become that person so I had a Clear Vision of what kind I wanted to be I had no idea only in retrospect now realize I had none of the building blocks of knowing how to create that cuz I hadn't actually really hang on I hadn't actually really seen it in one place or in one person I always used the analogy of I've had a but were you were you did you have any idea that you were going to have to do some work had zero comprehension I would have to do any work right and but I think the Journey of recovery and sobriety and our journey journey I think it very much started at the point of my rock bottom and it's still evolving now that it is a process of what is required to get to being that kind of person and again going you know wishing to invoke all of the stuff of recovery I don't think it's a destination point I think it's something I am always thinking about I mean to this day I'm thinking in terms of whilst it's hard for us to pin down I'm thinking would that be an this is a kind of you know very sort of literal example but I am thinking about things like you know oh it would be nice to take nads to see that it would be really nice if we went here or if we did that I'm still in and of that sort of part of our relationship where I want to be someone who's providing stimulation and New Horizons and things like that um and I also want to be better at hearing when I'm not hitting on certain things I think we sort of accidentally just because of who we are though we're very similar we're very unalike so that that you just described of yourself is very you and I am very like I'm a very sort of nurturing home homey sort of not completely I rer but but um and I think we just SL if we were both people that were constantly the both you know how people can get really competitive about you know deciding what you're going to do or D we neither of us are like that we're quite happy to follow the other one in whatever the other one's thing is do you know what I mean I had a lifetime of not being able to trust the ground beneath the emotional ground beneath my feet you're still like that I have spent 20 years I still say to him after 20 years of making things that he loves I'll say would you like lunch only if you only if you're making something for you I'd hate that at the age of 53 when all of the most formative uh found emotional foundations were incredibly confusing often distressing very very uh anxiety inducing you know and all this kind of stuff I think I I sometimes look at where I'm at and I think wow it has taken yes admittedly a long time for me to start to trust things and you could argue why didn't you trust there's a moment again in Mar at first where Tim said I've wasted all this time I don't want to see it like that cuz I could I could say exactly the same thing I've wasted so much time not in not having been with you or had what we've got and but not having just sat in it and enjoyed it more rather than forever in that this isn't for me this isn't for real this isn't going to stay and that feeling isn't even just about impostor syndrome cuz I don't actually think I have true impostor syndrome I think I have uh it's been regulated and instilled in me or what has been or was just the idea that things don't last and changeability is is constantly happening and that's that nervous sense of something new something new what's going to take this away something's going to take I can't afford to let myself settle and that's all if that is the catch all for every single thing that I've done wrong and done right I think in my life I'm just getting to that point where I trust and it's a nice feeling it's it's brilliant you see my I've got my mom and dad next door my mom's 87 my dad's 90 and they're still together and they still make each other laugh and they still so I've got that yes because I do trust and the worst thing for me one of the worst things for me in our whole relationship and was just so awful for many of the first years was you and I used say to you you've got no idea what a gift it is for somebody to say they trust you I know that's fine to say that they trust you in the way that I do and you would you couldn't trust you couldn't trust but I understand it now yeah

Channel: The Sawalha-Adderleys - Family, Food, Films & Fun

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Length: 35min 25sec (2125 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 18 2024