How To Stand Up For Yourself Without Starting A Fight

[Music] we've all had a friend say something we don't like whether it's a passive aggressive comment or a playful insult that goes too far it can be tough to know how to respond so in this video we're going to cover three ways to handle it when a friend crosses the line and you want to stand up for yourself without starting a fight we'll start by breaking down a few examples with jonah hill in this first clip he's reacting to insults made by a paparazzi it's an example of how not to react he's publicly apologized for this one a common reaction to being hurt by an insult is to fire back and insult yourself this works if you're both joking but it's a mistake if your intention is to be hurtful especially with friends retaliating because your feelings are hurt sets you up to hurt the relationship and to the other friends around you you might end up looking like the rude one even if you didn't start it it may feel good in the moment but you'll almost always regret it unfortunately for jonah he's been publicly insulted a lot the good news is that over time he's gotten better at handling it here's an example from later in life but are you still considered the fat guy when you go to a party or anything now watch jonah's response this isn't the best response we'll cover today but you can see the improvement are you the fat guy in hollywood still or or does everybody like look at you and they're like oh wow you know this is great now you're healthy do you have any other questions that are smart i have a question because you're in atlanta most people insulting you are seeking something whether it's attention a laugh or an emotional overreaction to punish the behavior he doesn't like jonah denies the guy what he wants attention and an answer to his question sometimes with friends this is the only strategy you need ignore the person and actively shift the focus to someone else in the group your goal is to remove any positive reinforcement of the behavior you don't like and as kobe once showed with matt barnes sometimes not reacting is all it takes to look confident if that doesn't work the next step is to draw a boundary there's two types of boundaries soft lines and hard lines this next set of clips is an example of a soft line first check out how jimmy kimmel starts this interview first of all you smell good which is surprising why is that still impressive i don't know i just wouldn't think of you a guy who would have a nice scent on pretty strange start to an interview jimmy tries to get a laugh with a backhanded compliment jonah doesn't like it so watch how he responds i'm going to really work hard to not take that as a shot you know what i mean like because i think you would smell nice no but i don't i don't have time no no let's go back okay jonah calmly and kindly calls out that he doesn't like jimmy's comment then when jimmy starts to get uncomfortable and walk back his insult jonah fakes like he's going to drag this uncomfortable moment out but then releases the tension and lets them move on this is great because even if you're in the right conflict makes people uncomfortable so other friends in the group will feel a desire to move past conflict just to escape their own discomfort as an observer that's why you calmly call out the behavior you don't like and once it's clear that the message has been received you move past it you've established your boundary and you've done it without alienating anyone else in the conversation if a soft line doesn't work then you may need to put down a hard line a hard line is one with explicit consequences here's a great example with julian assange this is for more serious situations where someone does something you find truly unacceptable he's been told he's there to talk about documents that wikileaks released showing potential war crimes by the us instead the interviewer asks about a personal investigation against him he starts by calmly and firmly cutting her off and drawing a soft boundary one aspect of that has been the legal situation for yourself in sweden you're now facing charges i'm not going to talk about that in relation to this now watch what he does when she doesn't respect his soft line but it does affect wikileaks yeah but this interview is about something else so i i will have to walk if you're do you still you would if you're going to contaminate a this extremely serious interview with questions about my personal life three things make this a good example of a hard line he speaks calmly he draws a clear boundary and he explains why the boundary is important to him now watch as she crosses his boundary he stays firm in standing up for himself but his calmness makes sure this doesn't escalate into a fight this is an attack it's completely it's completely disgusting i'm asking whether or not i'm going to walk if you're going to contaminate us revealing the deaths of 104 000 people when she still refuses to move on he actually walks out it's that simple no need to yell or say anything negative about the other person if someone does something you find unacceptable calmly let them know let them know why it's a boundary for you and let them know what the consequence will be if they do it again if they cross your hard line simply follow through on your word now with friend groups specifically there tends to be a social hierarchy the higher up you are the more likely it is that people will respect the boundaries you draw if you don't feel like your friends would respect your boundaries you may benefit from our video six psychological tricks to command respect instantly you can find it in the description and at the end of this video now what about situations where you aren't actually offended and you want to turn a potentially offensive comment into some friendly banter there's three quick things you can do the first is banter back to highlight some tips on how to do this well here's a quick example with jay lino and louis c.k i hope i can say this without insulting you yes you are no you're the weirdest looking person on the planet earth thank you thank you that doesn't no that doesn't help me at all a laugh and a thank you is a great way to show your confidence and that you aren't rattled by an insult now watch how jay follows up i don't mean that as a negative not at all it's just nobody i can't describe the fact that i have a full head of hair that's what's telling you well that yeah you want to match their insult level louis started with a negative comment on jay's looks so jay matches it if louie had insulted jay's shirt and jay had insulted louie's weight that's much more likely to go poorly when you match their insult level it's more likely they'll react well and even if they decide they like to dish it but they can't take it it makes it very unlikely that anyone else in the group will consider you rude listen for this as they go back and forth again here it's just i just don't have to cover my chin because i'm proud of it no no but go ahead if you weren't famous and you robbed a bank and the dude was describing you to like a fleece sketch artist yeah he'd be like no seriously what did he look like they're two for two on teases they matched each other's insult level both left and neither got upset that's what you're aiming for now what if someone says something potentially offensive and you want to be playful and fun but you don't feel comfortable saying something potentially offensive back or you just can't think of anything clever to say there's a second thing you can do fake offense as an example here's a clip with anne hathaway wait have you lost to get into this shape right now you did not just ask me that i'm just saying you're like what a forward young man you are my goodness how much weight i'm not saying you needed to lose weight she fakes a fence but signals it's not real with a big smile and the over-the-top facial expressions this shows you have confidence to not be easily offended and it doesn't require the same quick wit as jay leno's comebacks when he doesn't pick up on the non-verbals she even spells it out for him i'm just saying that you look i've worked very hard to become selena kyle i know you have all right thank you very much i'm sorry if i offended you you didn't at all i'm just messing with you if you find yourself completely blanking on anything to say just being able to genuinely laugh when someone tries to insult you is enough to convey confidence some people don't like them but brendan chubb is someone who does this very well dude i don't think a lot of indian kids look at you and be like i wanna you know look like a french paul bunyan when i get older you know what i'm saying [Laughter] do you look like paul bunyan if he just drank champagne all day and never did any forestry his ability to laugh when people take shots at him is probably why he hits it off so well with comedians like theo vaughn and joe rogan and it's a part of why he was able to make a successful career for himself after mma being able to laugh at yourself projects confidence and makes it fun to be around you all three of these are super simple which illustrates how much easier it can be to handle an insult when you aren't actually offended the hard part is developing the self-confidence to stay unrattled no matter what anyone says about you if that's something you'd like more help with i think the fastest way to become confident in social situations is with our program charisma university it's a step-by-step guided program guaranteed to give you more charisma and confidence in 30 days and it's structured with a daily action guide so there's no guesswork when it comes to learning these habits you just follow the guide and you get the results to get a sense of what the program can do for you here's a few things that past members have written in i had confidence in some areas but not in others then charisma university changed that for me since beginning the program i have seen noticeable changes in my life it has helped me unlock the confidence that comes with knowing that i can go into any social situation and crush it it costs less than half the price of one course at my college but it has had a far bigger impact on me than any traditional class i've enrolled in another member wrote in i've always been bad at expressing myself in situations that weren't one-on-one in conversations i find myself hesitant to speak or i get caught in my own head overthinking things after cu i am now way more confident in saying what i think and how i feel even in bigger group settings i feel much more happy all the time i was even able to talk to a woman i've had a crush on for about a year and made a great first impression overall i love this course and i keep going back to it when i need a refresher on the daily action modules and lastly one member writes thank you so much for this program after going through charisma i've made more friends have higher self-esteem and can more easily talk to people i don't know i've solidified my values and i know who i am you'll see more success stories like these in the comments if you do decide to join the course if you do join it comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee which is 100 for any reason at all and that's 60 days even though the course is only 30 days just to make sure that every single member truly feels like they're getting a ton of value from the course so you either love it or you get your money back if you want to check out the course go ahead and click the link on screen now or below in the description we've had thousands of members go through this course and get a ton out of it and i'd love for you to do the same either way i hope you enjoyed this video and i look forward to seeing you in the next one also special thanks to our editing team of andre therese and ivan for all the hard work on this video

Channel: Charisma on Command

Views: 392,842

Rating: 4.955606 out of 5

Keywords: charisma on command, charismaoncommand, coc, charlie houpert, charisma, jonah hill, how to stand up for yourself, how to be more assertive as a man, how to, stand up for yourself, how to be more assertive, how to stand up for yourself without being rude, how to say no, self improvement, jonah hill interview gone wrong, jonah hill interview, self improvement tips, self improvement for men

Id: BSXoI9MDvU0

Length: 10min 27sec (627 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 12 2021