How to Keep Their Interest After the First Date (3 Things to Do)

why is it so many people don't get a text back after a first date in this video I want to give you three things that you can do on a date that make it much more likely that that date turns into another date the idea for this came from someone I recently coached who came to me and said I had a very difficult marriage it has left me very guarded after the divorce I had to become independent I had to become my own person and now when I date I get told a lot that I am scary that I am intimidating and it does doesn't seem to go anywhere what's going on anyone out there who has been hurt a lot will naturally be on guard when they're dating again we are looking for red flags we're looking for warning signs that someone has an agenda an ulterior motive that they are going to hurt us and when we go into a date with that energy it can come across as a very strong energy it can come across as a an energy that says I don't need anyone it can come across as a lack of vulnerability now people use all sorts of words when they feel these things from us you know I you're a little scary you're a little intimidating I don't know how I'd ever feel needed by you but what it really comes down to is they're seeing one side of us and they're not seeing the other side of us that they may need to see to truly feel like there is that polarity that they're looking for and polarity is often associated with lots and lots of language around masculine and feminine whenever a woman says I feel like I intimidate guys the go-to is well you need to be in your feminine I don't know that it's entirely wrong I just I end up getting a little bit bored and frankly confused by the language around these things and it ends up becoming a kind of obsession with masculine and feminine and and one that I don't find all that interesting to me dates need polarity people need polarity especially in romantic situations we need to know that we both are not all the time but sometimes in an energy that is attractive to the other person and I don't think we need to be that energy all the time I think it's just we need to be that energy enough that someone sees that they have that magnetism in that way with you some of the time let's take this this woman that came to me she would show up on a date very guarded she'd almost show up with that kind of boss-like energy independent done a lot in her life taken care of a lot in her life and I believe that it was stopping the person on the date from really getting to know the real her so I'm going to tell you three things that I told her that if you find that you're guarded and it makes you cover up other parts of yourselves the softer more sensitive more playful more fun part of yourself the more affectionate part of yourself then I think these are really really going to help you number one lead with your most beautiful energy now you get to decide what your most beautiful energy is but imagine yourself around the people that you're most comfortable with imagine yourself if you were bringing out your core and what that core is really like whether it's a very affectionate person very sweet person a very playful person a person who laughs a lot a person who is very Smiley a person who's very curious very interested bring that person forward first now many people struggle to do that because they've been hurt before so they show up to a date with their guard up because they're trying to protect themselves and they don't want to get hurt again what we have to do is flip our normal way of doing things instead of bringing the version of us that is guarded and in control all the time and doesn't need anybody and can handle it all on on our own and then if someone proves themselves to be lovely and you know have good intentions and be worthy of our time and energy we soften up and start bringing them all of the good stuff we should flip it and say I'm going to bring them the good stuff not in terms of you know my time and my investment and my intimacy but in terms of energy on a date I'm going to bring them the good Stu stuff and then if at any point I find that they're not really trying they're inconsistent they're disrespectful or they're just not giving me enough that's when the independent me comes out the strong independent energy can come along when it's needed it's not something that we have to lead with in the beginning because being on a date is not about showing up and showing how strong you are being on a date is about showing up and connecting with another human being hey guys for anyone who is watching this and wants to not simply watch my videos on YouTube which I very much appreciate but actually wants to come on a coaching Journey with me to get results faster in your love life I have a free event called dating with results that you can watch right now in it I show you the reasons we're struggling so much in love and I help you understand the Practical things that you can start doing this week to find love Faster come over to dating with.com you can watch this event for free this is not a paid ticket event it's just my way of giving you something practical and substantial that can help you exponentially in your love life if it's a priority for you right now go over to dating withth res.com and I'll see you over there for this amazing event the second thing to bring on a date is vulnerability vulnerability isn't by the way sharing all of your worst stories early on in the dating process it's not about revealing information that someone shouldn't know about you that quickly vulnerability is giving someone a glimpse of who you are at your core the things that you're passionate about a sense of what you're really like and we cover up who we really are by constantly talking about what we do what we've achieved what we're good at and these things tend to be this identity that we've constructed for ourselves that we wear on a date as a way to be impressive or to be in some way you know we may not directly want to be intimidating but there's a part of our ego that may want to be intimidating there's a part of our ego that may show up to a date wanting to be better than or wanting to show that I am somebody don't think I'm nobody I'm somebody and all of that is ego and ego can get us into a lot of trouble on a date because it can stop us from being seen for who we really are and it can also stop us from seeing who someone else really is which is what we achieve through curiosity through looking at the other person and discovering who they really are instead of trying to assert who we are notice when you catch yourself talking about the things that are designed to make you look or feel important those things are a defense and they are us just slipping into talking about what we feel comfortable talking about instead of what's actually going to generate a deeper connection imagine you're the most famous musician in the entire world you could go on a date talking about the huge Stadium you just played or you could talk about music one of them is talking from a place of ego the other is talking about what you care about number three look to bring out the best in in that person we bring out the best in someone when we ask questions that allow them to reveal what's important to them when we show a genuine curiosity about the things that they've learned in their life or the insights they have about life when we show that we're genuinely impressed by aspects of them this isn't about foring over someone and it's not about talking about qualities that aren't really there just to flatter that person it's about genuinely being present isn't enough with someone that you actually slow down enough to notice the little things along the way that make them interesting that make them uh a uniquely impressive or distinct person what makes them like someone you haven't come across before or what are they saying that's just funny and you can be very vulnerable in laughing at it and letting them know that was funny what can you notice about this person that allows you to see the best in them and allows them therefore to feel their best around you Shakespeare said of his character full staff that he wasn't just a wit but a cause of wit in others that's one of the greatest things we can be right ego again that word ego ego is being a source of wit being a great wit being funny being intelligent but to be a cause of intelligence in others a cause of wit in others if we can be the person that brings out these great qualities in other people then they will feel their best around us they will feel appreciated by us again so many of us are so concerned with showing how impressive we are on a date that we don't make someone else feel like they're their best around us and by the way there's a there's always going to be a criticism of this kind of content that whenever someone says I keep intimidating people what do I do their response will be you need to find people who aren't intimidated by you if you're intimidating people then they're too small don't make yourself smaller to make other people comfortable and I always find that comment to be a overly simplistic and B lacking in some basic empathy and compassion and I actually understand where it comes from because I know that for so many women especially they have come across men who don't value women don't respect women are genuinely intimidated when a woman can do basically anything and they're they're feeling threatened by that I understand all of that and a lot of people have been very hurt so when you've come out of a place of being hurt and when you've learned that you can't trust people to accept you then of course it creates a mindset of I'm going to go and just create my life then this whole thing I'm just going to go and create my life and be my best self and stop feeling like I need to dim my light for anybody because I put up with that for way too long I understand the the origins of that kind of feeling but I think what we have to do is almost step back from the kind of baggage of our history the baggage of gender comes a comes up a lot in videos like this and instead just go everybody everybody everybody everybody wants to feel needed everybody wants to feel like they have something to contribute and are we the kind of person that when we're around people whether it's in Life or on a date that makes others feel like they have something they can bring to the table something that makes them feel like they would be a necessary part of a team with us I remember listening to Ed catmull the former president of Pixar talk about creativity at Pixar and how important it was that directors got given a voice and that they weren't just dwarfed by more powerful voices in the room and one of those powerful voices was Steve Jobs Steve Jobs owned Pixar and Ed begged Steve not to be in the room when all of the directors were collaborating creatively about the movie because what he knew is that if Steve Jobs came into the room all of a sudden it would shut people down and I find this really interesting in a business context because Steve wasn't someone that was making himself smaller and dimming his light as a way to prop up the other creatives egos Steve just had to recognize what his power was in that situation that he was revered respected in some ways feared and that if he spoke first if he didn't make space for other people to be their best they would never become their best in that environment and that became the power of Pixar is that people were given the space and the environment to actually become their best now in a business context we see this as a very powerful thing this idea of leaders speak last and creating space for everyone else to be great that's seen as a very empowered thing but often when it's translated into the realm of relationships we start to conflate it with misogyny the baggage of gender the idea of people dimming their lights and having to prop up other people's egos their fragile Egos and I actually find that to be a massive distraction I'm not saying that there aren't Dynamics where a clear misogyny occurs what I'm saying is people will want to be around us if the way that we bring our Force our power to the table still makes space for their power still makes space for them to be their best around us and to feel like we bring out and see the best in them if you want to create more second dates lead with your best energy instead of holding it back until you feel safe number two show your vulnerability and number three bring out the best in the person opposite you by the way you are around them let me know in the comments what you think about all of this let me know what you're interested in about what I've talked about what you'd like more of uh and anything you'd like to add of your own I look forward to reading your comments and if you enjoyed this video watch this one next because if you've liked this I think you're really going to love this one all right take care and I'll see you soon

Channel: Matthew Hussey

Views: 77,093

Keywords: Matthew Hussey, Matt Hussey, Get The Guy, How to Get the Guy, Dating Advice for Women, attract men, keep your man, dating coach, relationship coach, relationship tips, what men want, make him like you, make him love you, how to talk to men, how to attract men, meet men, get the guy, tips for women, flirting tips, texting, calling, love advice, relationships, matt hussey, matthew hussy, mathew hussey, how to flirt

Id: SqHxUhz51Jg

Length: 14min 58sec (898 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 28 2024