How To Deal With Assertive People | Chris Voss

my job to get on the phone was to be the immovable nice guy and the nicer you are the more movable you could be you know and out forgive me for picking on Mr Donald Trump right now but you know the style of being you could be very aggressive without or very assertive without being aggressive and his style is he wants to yell at people you know he wants to intimidate his way in you don't have to give up that much assertion you just you don't want to be that mean you don't want to be that hard on for example what do you mean like how well you know there's a we're in La yes um there's a great guy here in town his name is Tom Girardi voted top trial attorney in California several years in a row by the bar association he gets a voted top trial attorneys so many times that when they put it on front page they say again wow so he comes in and he's a guest of my class at USC and he stepped and I know he's a top trial attorney but I don't know his style I figure he's going to be an attack dog because I spent so much time in New York you know he used to attack dog attorneys and Tom walks into the class and he says you know the key to negotiations being nice and gentle that what Tom does by being nice is get you to drop your guard at times immovable unrelenting opponent and that's why he's so successful and he's ridiculously nice about it like he smiles and he chats with people and he always talks about how we'll collaborate with each other in the future he's you get into an argument with him and immediately he'll bend it where he's talking with you about how you and I are going to be successful together 10 years from now hmm or in the future which is the same thing a hostage negotiator does like if you're barricading the bank I'm going to say my first goal is to get you out of there alive well I picked a point of future that we can collaborate on Tom Girardi does this instinctively and he's just super nice about it I mean like you either you go to cooperate with them because you like him so much he's never going to land up on you or more than likely you're going to say something accidentally and and he gets people saying stuff accidentally and he and then he could and then he doesn't jump on you if you say something accidentally he lets you say so many things accidentally what do you mean actually well like you know he loves to get people on on uncovered emails that they never should have written like if you if you send Tom an email saying Tom let's go have lunch together he will not email you back saying okay because he doesn't put anything in emails because that's a downfall of almost every single lawsuit somebody who's done something wrong is going to put it in an email wow and Tom knows if he's nice to the other side long enough he's going to figure out where those emails are so and that's what people do all the time you know lawsuits are uncovered people get into trouble with what they put in emails when wow when they when they say hey they send an email to somebody else and say Hey you know we you know we shouldn't be doing this and a person sends an email back say like yeah it's okay nobody's not gonna find out oh my gosh in today's day and age people put stuff in emails and so Talbert knows he's just relentlessly nice Relentless and the most Charming guy you ever met in your life Wow so you don't have to be aggressive secret to gaining the upper hand the negotiations given the other side the illusion of control now I'm coming at you as a very control oriented negotiator right as soon as you don't struggle with me over control you actually begin to gain an advantage because then you feel like you're in control right you don't have to try to gain it anymore right right I'm more than likely going to start dropping my if I'm a control freak guy if I want to talk all the time I'm a control freak guy control freak negotiators who want to talk all the time they feel out of control when they're not talking so you want to get them to the point where they don't talk but they don't talk because they're relaxed not because they're trying to seize control right so you did you did a real nice job with that now the the only thing one another thing that we teach is see you're not going to give me a car right and you're trying to make it sound like you were going to yeah I teach how to say no and and then you want to feel other ways of saying because the real answer to that just like at the very beginning of my book you're supposed to look look at me saying how am I supposed to do that so poison back to a question right a how question an open-ended question well not just open it and how okay how is the key to life yes is nothing without how so you never find and and you could also started talking about how without talking about yes so just say what I even say you could say how would I do that would I say I love to get you what you need how would I do that just how would I do that how would I do that so give them the control to fear at the solution right right right how am I supposed to get you the car in that time frame because that's what you're trying to express there actually is a Time problem here right in 60 seconds how am I supposed to get you a car right right that that's different than we can get a car we just need 60 more seconds all right we need more time yeah right because because now I think now I think you're ducking me okay but if you instead you say like how might you know of course the cars are out here right away but first of all I gotta I gotta tell everybody what we're gonna do I don't need anybody to get surprised let's talk through the details of how this is going to get done in the meantime what got you here in the first place hmm you know how how do you find yourself in this kind of a situation how do I make sure I get you out of there alive the succession of how questions how I supposed to promise to get you a car if I don't know that she's going to come out alive you take what you want and make it the path to what I want hmm you know how am I supposed to get you in here if it doesn't benefit me also right so as as soon as in any negotiation what I want is now a means of getting what you want then that changes the dynamic right away so how do you deal in a negotiation with the kind of person who has to win who has to get everything they want they're very controlling Alpha right and it's their way or no way we're getting everything they want is actually third on their list first of all being in control is number one on their list and that's emotionally satisfying the second thing is the alpha type which is uh we refer to that as the assertive the one thing that's more important to them than actually getting what they want is being respected and making sure that you know everything about what they're coming from so and it's a classic guy who's working for his boss and said you know what my boss didn't do what I wanted him to do but he heard me out or she heard me out I can live with the direction we're going as long as I know that my boss knows my opinion and so that the assertive type of negotiator it's really more important to them that they felt felt that they conducted themselves respectedly respectably that you respected them and that you knew what they were coming from and once they know those things they'll actually soften up on what they want if they feel disrespected they'll probably be more frustrated and angry and right demanding right right right right so you guys were very demanding what they're really saying to you subtly is I want you to know how important this is to me right I want you to know how important I am so how do you meet that person just come to them with respect or with income or you know you could say look you're you're impressive you're phenomenal you thought it's all out this is very yeah I mean clearly you know where you're coming from you know what you want um I'm lucky to be talking to you at all right I mean if we're at a sit down with Donald Trump I would in fact be lucky to be in the same room with him that'd be the first thing I'd say to him right you know you're the symbol of American Business certainly in New York City yeah you know stroking her ego it's not a bad thing one of the one and you know it's a version of empathy because that's how they see themselves and you know the the the emotional recognition like emotional currency is not going to solve every deal I just don't want to try to solve any deal with money when I could have solved it with emotional currency I'm saving my money with emotional empathy currency intelligence right right my money's too important to me to waste it when I could buy something with satisfaction all right excellent uh Luis I see you got a hand up or Lewis please good morning thank you um Brandon last time you made some comments on how to deal with analysts and accommodators I was wondering if you can get a little bit more with assertive people and those that really are stretching things um kind of what the process is to manage down for those to negotiate with those people um and maybe even see how they tick or make them tick in a broader Direction so all right fantastic now great question and I'm really glad you asked it because we were just talking a little bit about Chris and for those of you that don't know Chris's natural type is assertive and and I think you know to your point about dealing with assertives in general I think that's a direct effect of his mental fatigue middle of the afternoon because he spent so much energy aggressively coming at people up until that point in the day that it's just it's hard to keep up that level of aggression or or assertiveness and it does in fact wear you out you know mentally and physically and so um you know I think I think being very cognizant of you know somewhat somewhat of what we call a circadian rhythm right a little bit and knowing that they're probably mentally fatigued and then you can even come at it that way you know I it's late in the day boss I'd imagine you've already felt through a lot of decisions and you you you don't really want to think through anymore at this point in the day do you have an issue with x no bang you're out the door right and um um if you're dealing with someone you know especially an assertive that maybe sometimes might forget what they said or forget what they committed to because they were just too busy being aggressive when you get in that moment you know three excuse me the rule of three is this idea if we get confirmation from someone in some form three times before we move forward number one because people have a tendency to remember things they agreed to three times and number two it also creates an emotional moment that we can refer back to later on in the timeline right let's say something blows up you can go back when you said this three times how was I supposed to interpret that right and so specifically with dealing with an assertive do you got a problem with me doing it doing X no okay that's your that's your first of three confirmations as it were in the moment you could easily follow that up with a label sounds like you're not going to have any issue with this no no of course not though please please go ahead all right and then you could paraphrase it so you're good with me taking on this effort and handling it this way yeah of course so yeah that's that's good to go go ahead and get out of my office now you've gotten that three times and if something blows up or they change their mind down the line you got that for all intense purposes the instant defense when we talked about this last week and I asked you three times what what what did you want me to interpret from that right and now you're essentially off the hook so that that's one and then another one that's just in general with dealing with assertives we know that they like to talk right they don't they generally have a dissertation they need to get off their chest mirrors are a great way to navigate your way through that dissertation and specifically when you're mirroring right as they're going on and on they're going to say stuff that is actually important to you eventually they're going to say something that you want them to focus on that's what you end up mirroring okay and it very much directs the thought process kind of like a you know like a pinball and a pinball machine your flippers are the mirrors in all intents and purposes that's a great question I'm thinking specifically I'm dealing with a broker P sources good sides for us um I'm a real estate developer and he sources good sides okay and let's say Market commissions are at three percent well I'm bringing all this I want six percent and I'm getting this with XYZ and blah blah blah and just hammering through and you guys are just not being grateful enough the market is a three and and he started to negotiate at six and really just throwing it at your face making facts up and uh how do you I said I'd love to hear more of that maybe it's repeating the same thing that you just said or maybe there's a slight twist to that yeah no great great question so and I love the clarification here so yes mirrors are going to be helpful right when he's when he's rambling on as it were what's nice is you got a bit of a relationship with this guy and you understand how he works a little bit how he ticks and so that should inform you on how what a good accusations audit should look like and so um I know you put in the time to Source this information right you've clearly put in work and obviously you're going to feel like there's a certain amount of this that belongs to you for X reasons that could be your start especially in regards to uh you know these commission percentages and things of that nature what percentage belongs to him and vice versa and then go silent right because you want to say yeah that's that's exactly right that's exactly right and then you could follow up with you know all right what I got to say next you're really not gonna like right how bad how how much how bad of a position would we put you in what sort of damage do we potentially let ourselves in for by saying we can't we can't do that by saying that this isn't something that works for us you know out the gate we know that this is a problem what sort of damage we let ourselves in for by letting you know this is an issue for us right and then right you're putting you're putting the problem back on him to solve but you're also at the same time sounding him out right you know that he feels like he worked hard he's deserve it and you're worried about causing damage and now it's easy to work with you it's easy to respect you and know that you're somewhat trying to protect all of us at the same time and so that would kind of be a decent start for an interaction with uh with this with a person of that nature remember you don't get in life what's fair you get what you negotiate if you want to become a better negotiator click the link in the description below what are some of the other parallels you've seen or some of the ideas that have crossed over from hostage negotiation to business negotiation or negotiation in kind of everyday life well the other side always wants more they just don't know where it is and as soon as they feel listened to they're going to be more amenable to other ideas there are three basic types in negotiation and they they get us back to the caveman response you know because it came in part of our brain the amygdala that where every thought goes through there Evolution hasn't evolved that out of our brain it's still there and so when the caveman saw something he thought I run from it I kill it or I make friends with it it becomes part of my tribe fight flight or make friends it eats me I mate with it you know however you want to describe those three basic responses but in each one of those responses coming to an agreement is a secondary benefit there's always something more important to the other side than coming to an agreement and part of that is always in being understood so if I can gain leverage on you if I can get more of what I want by not spending a dime but by simply letting you know I understand then I open up the opportunity to get more for me and to have you like it Stuart Diamond wrote a book that I love the title of it's called getting more that sounds very selfish but it's in fact you know what we all want we want all want to do better getting more is also about having from my context it's also getting more by having better relationships by having someone want to collaborate with you by having the same person want to do business with you again instead of you needing to search for new business counterparts all the time you know I have tremendous respect for Donald Trump and what he's accomplished as a negotiator and as a businessman understand that he has to change his business venues every few years with this very aggressive approach because people get tired of that aggressive approach was the last time he put up a building in New York City that came anywhere near to Trump Tower the Grand Central Station magnificent pieces of real estate that he did back in the 80s having to look for new business partners all the time means that he has to continually move from place to place to place not all of us have the ability to do this most of us like Warren Buffett we'd I'd rather be like Warren Buffett because he's got to be not only the richest guy in Omaha but he may be one of the richest people on the planet he hasn't gone from place to place to place and not all of us want to move from place to place to place almost as if we're in the witness security program we want to stay in one place and want to flourish and we want to prosper and you do that by having great relationships and having people wanting to continue to do business with you and that's a lot of what this is really designed to do so you talked about the difference in style between Trump and Warren Buffett tell me about how that plays into the sort of the three different negotiating Styles which you touched on as well and describe a little bit kind of what each of those styles are well you know one style is is a very extremely assertive I suppose that you know even more than saying it's a sort of it's aggressive and the aggressive style is intoxicating because you beat the other side and you have Victory and you celebrate the problem with that is the more people you beat the fewer people want to do business with you and what really comes to pass is I was talking to a executive in an energy company in Boston several years ago the CEO of the company and in his industry he developed a relationship of being a very tough negotiator and after a while no one would make deals with him everybody that he talked to If by definition you did business with him he won that met you lost nobody wanted to do business with him and he was in a position he actually had a deal on his desk that he negotiated every single point with the CEO from the other company and the CEO refused to sign having negotiated and agreed to every point when it came to signing at the bottom he wouldn't sign and he said I know why this guy won't do this I've got such a reputation as a tough negotiator if he signs a deal it means he lost and he knows his board's going to fire him because he lost and that's the residue of being the very assertive guy when you always win the other side always loses and pretty soon people lose their appetite for that nobody wants to do business with you and to all due respect for Mr Trump his businesses are spread all over the world he doesn't stay in one place he's not putting buildings up in New York City anymore he's not building casinos in Atlantic City anymore he'll build a golf course or a resort in one location and then he'll have to move on and my assessment is he's left such a toxic residue with each deal the people that want to continue to do business with him that's one type no he actually prefers to be understood interestingly enough and you know the book that he's he's gotten some criticism over was to whether or not he wrote it I don't know the art of the deal I don't know if he wrote it or not his co-author is bad-mouthing him now which is another interesting residue of being assertive but I read that a long time ago and he was more than willing to talk about and describe the people that could handle him and there are people that have handled him his son-in-law is one of them his son-in-law is not one of the assertive aggressive types his son-in-law is very analytical his son-in-law is very quiet ivanka's husband I believe and this is the great description of what I refer to as the analytical guy the analytical guy doesn't like open conflict he sees it as being extremely non-productive the analytical guy thinks things through and you will never discuss a problem with an analytical person until they have at least one solution and probably multiple Solutions so the analytical guy the non-open combat guy can do very well with the assertive negotiator and you you see that play out in Donald Trump's organization with the people that he seems to have the most respect for so that's the second type and then the third type is the person whose relationship oriented and they make friends they bring you into their tribe they want you to be part of their life they want to have a long-term ongoing relationship with you they're likable and there's an interesting statistic that people who are likable you're six times more likely to make a deal with someone you like and that becomes a very strong tactic to be brought into a negotiation you can understand that if you're likable people want to do business with you that sounds crazy right why would you want to do business with somebody you like as opposed to somebody who feels like that they got punched in the face by you so likability is is a third core attribute and in my view the great negotiator combines all three types the great negotiator is assertive without being aggressive the great negotiator thinks things through and comes up with multiple options and the great negotiator develops a good relationship with you and is very likable and you want to continue to do business with them so whatever your default type is I'm here to tell you don't discard it add to it by evolving and improving not by changing you've said before that you would never lie to anyone that you're not going to kill my question is about negotiating with an assertive personality and I'm an accommodator and he has anchored High in this business negotiation and uh hopefully so he's he's got something I want uh just trying to figure out how we could best uh work come down a little bit all right so there's a couple of things there first of all you you identify this person as an assertive of the three personality types um I I should say all three persons of the personality types have something as important to them as making the deal and what do you think that is for the assertive let me let me back let me give it to you let me tell you what the accommodator likes more than the deal let me tell you what the analysts likes what are the deal and I'll throw it out to you Steve is a question what you think the assertive for the accommodator what is as important to them is making the deal is maintaining the relationship particularly maintaining the relationship in the moment that's most important to them you can get into a room with an accommodator and you guys can come up with absolutely no resolution to what you're talking about but the accommodator will feel good as long as the relationship is still there the analysts what's as important to an analyst than making the deal is data and information as an analyst if I go into a negotiation I don't care I mean I do care but if the if the deal falls through I'm okay with it as long as I've been made smarter in the process because I'm all about getting more data I want to confirm the data that I went into the negotiation with and I want to come out with a little bit more uh than what I came in with and if those two things are checked yes I'm in a good spot so Steve what do you think is as important to the assertive as making the deal I I in this situation it's it's his ego and I think he wants to be perceived as he is making the best deal for him you cut off a little bit there I'm assuming that you said e as an ego ego yes all right that's the bottom line they want to be heard and they want to be respected and that's fueled by their ego the deal can go to hell in the hand basket as long as you know when you leave that room that they are the man or that they are the woman and if that if that has been satisfied for them they don't really get wound up around the axle as to whether or not the deal goes through and so understanding what's important to them to be heard and respected people often think of the assertive as being the most difficult of the three to deal with reality is they're not because all you got to do is shut your mouth and let them Drive the Bus and they will tell you exactly what you need to know to move them in the direction that you need to move them in now as as for the high anchor High anchors that's a hack that's a go-to move for everybody because they've read previous books prior to never split the difference coming out and many of those books espousing anchoring High when they know for a fact that everybody else on the other side everybody else who's receiving that high anchor knows that nobody anchors where they intend on ending up and so I'm coaching you Steve I'm telling you I'm gonna make him or her defend that high anchor something to the effect of you know it sounds like you took that number under a lot of deliberation before you landed on it would you be against walking me through how you came up with it that's going to tell you right away are they posturing or is this is this anchor more solid than than what you thought it would be make them defend it let's let's figure out where that's coming from in this situation he he has told me that he doesn't want to give away the goose that lays the golden egg why would I want to do that is what he's told me in our previous conversation all right and so that goes back to what we talked about earlier not don't get caught up in what he said what where is that coming from when somebody tells you I don't want to give away the goose that lays the golden egg what is he really telling you that he's got a business that uh has a lot of cash flow and why would he want to give it away for a cheap price it goes deeper than that Steve it goes deep it's it's more Primal than that it's more animal than that you're staying on the surface right now he's telling you something else when he says I don't want to give away the goose that lays the golden egg okay why would anybody say that to you I don't know I I bet you do and I'm gonna help walk you through it a little bit I don't want to give away the goose that lays the golden egg translation I'm afraid that you're going to take advantage of me on price I'm afraid that you are going to take advantage of the value that I believe um this product or service holds I'm afraid of what this is going to make me look like internally if I am asking for 150 bucks and we settle on 100 bucks what kind of reflection is that going to be of me with my peers internally with my boss internally he's telling you dude I am under a lot of pressure to make sure that I don't get taken advantage of on this deal that's what I don't want to lay I don't want to give away the goose that lays the golden egg is screaming so it's kind of going back to Eagle again going back to Ego sounds like you're under a lot of pressure on your side to come in at a specific margin sounds like it sounds like they're kicking you in the teeth on your side of the table to make sure that you're not taking advantage of it sounds like you've been burned in the past that's what it is it's a free it's it's a fear of something that has to do with his ability to save face he's either been burned in the past they're clubbing him about the head and shoulders over this deal telling him you better not give it away and that's what he's afraid of that is the area of the conversation where you need to focus in on stop worrying about the actual words that he's using and let's figure out what is that latent Dynamic now I threw that out for you Steve I'll bet you that what I said to you made sense and it only made sense to you because internally you knew that was going on you knew that's what that statement meant you just probably couldn't articulate it uh because you're still doing this at a at a surface level most of you are still doing this at a surface level I want to get you off of the surface well part of that is because I'm a flow guy from South Dakota so I'm literally just slow yeah well you said that I didn't but I will tell you Steve is that what you have going for you is you're a human being and you have the same human nature responses as everybody else fear drives you to do certain things fear is driving your assertive counterpart into doing and saying certain things and we collectively as people get so Shook Up by the fact that somebody says you take this out of the contract or we're not going to sign and then we start to freak out and we go back to our people and we say we've got to do something or they're going to walk when the reality is unique way to work around them be rather than take away or we're not going to sign because he added in more things and we'll sign it's it's the same thing it's the same thing if they want something added what are they telling you you you Steve are getting all freaked out that he wants to add certain things to it what does that really say that he's afraid he's not getting enough that he's not seeing the value of what's already on the table and he wants you to sweeten the pot so let's go after that fear of not being provided the value to find out where what's generating that what's what's what's what's causing that pushbacks objections changes to agreements are all clothes cloaks for fear of something and that's what we need to focus on not what they're actually asking saying or doing yep yeah I think uh you're right I mean it's it's an ego thing I think it's a safe face thing and that does make sense to me you know excellent thank you thank you yes sir good morning thank you um Brandon last time you made some comments on how to deal with analysts and accommodators I was wondering if you can get a little bit more with assertive people and those that really are stretching things um kind of what the process is to manage down for those to negotiate with those people um and maybe even see how they tick or make them take in a broader Direction so all right fantastic now great question and I'm really glad you asked it because we were just talking a little bit about Chris and for those of you that don't know Chris's natural type is assertive and and I think you know to your point about dealing with assertives in general I think that's a direct effect of his mental fatigue middle of the afternoon because he spent so much energy aggressively coming at people up until that point in the day that it's just it's hard to keep up that level of aggression or or assertiveness and it does in fact wear you out you know mentally and physically and so um you know I think I think being very cognizant of you know somewhat somewhat of what we call a circadian rhythm right a little bit and knowing that they're probably mentally fatigued and then you can even come at it that way you know I it's late in the day boss I'd imagine you've already felt through a lot of decisions and you you you don't really want to think through anymore at this point in the day do you have an issue with x no bang you're out the door right and um um if you're dealing with someone you know especially an assertive that maybe sometimes might forget what they said or forget what they committed to because they were just too busy being aggressive when you get in that moment you know three excuse me the rule of three is this idea if we get confirmation from someone in some form three times before we move forward number one because people have a tendency to remember things they agreed to three times and number two it also creates an emotional moment that we can refer back to later on in the timeline right let's say something blows up you can go back when you said this three times how was I supposed to interpret that right and so specifically with dealing with an assertive do you got a problem with me doing it doing X no okay that's your that's your first of three confirmations as it were in the moment you could easily follow that up with a label sounds like you're not going to have any issue with this no no of course not so please please go ahead all right and then you could paraphrase it so you're good with me taking on this effort and handling it this way yeah of course so yeah that's that's good to go go ahead and get out of my office now you've gotten that three times and if something blows up or they change their mind down the line you got the front text purposes the instant defense when we talked about this last week and I asked you three times what what what did you want me to interpret from that right and now you're essentially off the hook so that that's one and then another one that's just in general with dealing with assertives we know that they like to talk right they don't they generally have a dissertation they need to get off their chest mirrors are a great way to navigate your way through that dissertation and specifically when you're mirroring right as they're going on and on they're going to say stuff that is actually important to you eventually they're going to say something that you want them to focus on that's what you end up mirroring okay and it very much directs the thought process kind of like a you know like a pinball and a pinball machine your flippers are the mirrors for all intents and purposes that's a great question I'll take it specifically I'm dealing with a broker P sources good sides for us um I'm a real estate developer and he sources good sides okay and let's say Market commissions are at three percent well I'm bringing all this I won six percent and I'm getting this with XYZ and blah blah blah and just hammering through and you guys are just not being grateful enough the market is a three and and he started to negotiate at six and really just throwing it at your face making facts up and uh how do you it's a love to hear more of that maybe it's repeating the same thing that you just said or maybe there's a slight twist to that yeah no great great question so and I love the clarification here so yes mirrors are going to be helpful right when he's when he's rambling on as it were what's nice is you got a bit of a relationship with this guy and you understand how he works a little bit how he ticks and so that should inform you on how what a good accusations audit should look like and so um I know you put in the time to Source this information right you've clearly put in work and obviously you're going to feel like there's a certain amount of this that belongs to you for X reasons that could be your star especially in regards to uh you know these commission percentages and things of that nature what percentage belongs to him and vice versa and then go silent right because you want to say yeah that's that's exactly right that's exactly right and then you could follow up with you know all right what I got to say next you're really not going to like right how bad how how much how bad of a position would we put you in what sort of damage do we potentially uh let ourselves in for by saying we can't we can't do that by saying that this isn't something that works for us you know out the gate we know that this is a problem what sort of damage we let ourselves in for by letting you know this is an issue for us right and then right you're putting you're putting the problem back on him to solve which are also at the same time sounding him out right you know that he feels like he worked hard he's deserved and you're worried about causing damage and now it's easy to work with you it's easy to respect you and know that you're somewhat trying to protect all of us at the same time and so that would kind of be a decent start for an interaction with uh with this with a person of that nature if you use the proper tone it will come across as non-accusatory so you know when you consistently disrupt the meeting I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time because we're not getting done what we need to get done so you use a proper tone you're going to call that person out on the carpet you're going to please everyone else in the room because you know if you're in a meeting and you're trying to run a meeting there's always that one person that one person that doesn't know when to shut up or always has something to say that nobody else really cares about but they feel like they have to say it so you as the person running the meeting can use that iMessage in that situation to basically call them out and do it without being overly mean and overly accusatory but it is still assertive because quite frankly you just called them out in front of a room full of people so you are being assertive but I can promise you that everyone in the meeting is noticing and everyone knows it's that one person that they always do this so if you don't address it it causes you to look weak so if you do address it makes everyone else happy because you've called that person on the carpet and you're going to stop wasting their time but I will say after that meeting if you use that technique you need to pull that person aside and basically address the situation okay seems like I may have put you on the spot in there you know it feels like you know you may be a little upset with me for calling you out and you need to address that behavior otherwise you you're going to create a little monster there so you need to smooth that over after that meeting if you do call someone out using that iMessage okay an iMessage can also be used to address an ultimatum so if someone gives you an ultimatum it's either this or this you can say when you give me an ultimatum I feel like I'm backed into a corner because it limits all the options we have moving forward okay so anytime someone gives you an ultimatum about something it's very good to throw that iMessage at them okay once again use it sparingly because it is very assertive do we have questions on the iMessage yes I was trying to type I think we'll pull it up is it r10 archana I I don't want to say your name wrong but if you can come off a mute yeah that's correct it's our Channel okay yeah my question was um when you use this uh I message could it be misconstrued as perhaps you are the only one in the room feeling that way and how do you uh make sure that you're basically speaking for the group or everybody and not just uh portraying your individual personal emotions right good question one thing I will say is because you should use it sparingly and it's very assertive you want to try other methods first so if you have this person that's constantly disruptive you can say wow it seems like you have a lot to say today seems like you have something to add to the to the conversation you can try anything to point out hey you're you're overdoing it you can try labels and other things first you should use this kind of as a last resort and to really call them out and by that time if you've tried to address this Behavior you can read the room you can see everyone else's nonverbal reactions in the room to know if you see people going like this like geez here this guy goes again you're going to know that you feel the same way everybody else feels the same way as you and so addressing the situation is going to be the best way to handle it now this is somebody and you're in a meeting it's someone you just have this personal thing with that everything they say irritates you might not be the best time to use an iMessage that might be something you deal with in private outside of the actual meeting because if no one else has a problem with this person and you call them out with an iMessage in front of everyone you're the one that's going to look like the big bad bully so you kind of have to read the room first okay if that makes sense and if it's someone you know you have a personal issue with you want to you can still use the iMessage you just don't want to do it in front of a room full of people at that point make sense you have the I versus we if you're in the room and you're looking around the room and everybody's rolling their eyes every time that person says something and you could tell that it's dragging a meeting along and and you'll see it by everybody's body language that's the time after if it becomes so persistent that it's just it's just counterproductive to the meaning that's when you want to use that iMessage you know get it get it out there usually that one individual everybody else is going to smile or in in their face they're going to be selling you that that's what I wanted to say but didn't have the courage to say and you'll move on from there because they'll see it you you can read a room and most people can read the room you know if you walk in the room and everybody stop talking you get nervous that they're talking about you same thing when you're in the room and you see people you see one person doing things that's counterproductive and everybody else is genuinely trying to get this get this meeting accomplished or get everything done you'll see that from the person absolutely good that was a good question the other big problem with tactical empathy the execution of the demonstration of tactical empathy is people think that if I show that I'm tactically empathetic it's going to convey weakness on my part it's going to convey that they have an opening for me to take advantage of because you see in my mind you're thinking tactical empathy and assertiveness are mutually exclusive to one another you're either going to be tactically empathetic or you're going to be assertive you can't beat both and the fact of the matter is tactical empathy is the required precursor to your being a serve right before you're going to drop the bomb on them right before you're going to say it doesn't work for us nothing short or nothing more complicated than I'm sorry I'm afraid that's very generous it's clear that you guys are trying to move in our Direction we just can't do that this is your this is your actual shortcut to being more of assertive because at the end of the day you've got to go you've got an objective in every difficult conversation I want or I need is in your head I want or I need is in the head of your counterpart which means at some point you're going to state that goal and objective you're going to draw your Line in the Sand you're going to make your ass or you're going to State whatever your case in Chief is prior to doing that tactical empathy it's always tactical empathy first your goal your objective comes last the best way for you to put your foot down is to soften it with being tactically empathetic instead of thinking in terms of compromise which is a silly idea think in terms of high value trades what can you trade this person in order to keep the value levels satisfied on both sides that doesn't have to do with cutting your price what else is there how can you convey that there's no more movement on price high value trades Brandon yes there's a question in the chat how do we deal with assertives when we know we can't give them what they want up front great great question so first of all the number one tool to use on an assertive is going to be a mirror we talk about Rapport and info gathering in the last session we will go over mirrors then why is that good asserters have a tendency to talk a lot they have a tendency to brow beat you with their point of view they don't like to be interrupted and it's very counterproductive mirroring helps them connect their thoughts together lets them know you're tracking the whole time and gives the implication or the understanding that you get it without having to do a full summary or with it how without having to say the words I get it or I understand or please go on what do you mean by that you can use the mirror so first of all you have to have mirrored them a bunch the other part of this is not every negotiation should be turned into a deal part of any negotiation is essentially a qualification process should I be doing business with you we talk about in the book all of you have seen this no deal is always better than a bad deal No Deal allows you to free up your time and attack the next great opportunity that's actually going to help you a bad deal will put you to through three to five sometimes I feel bad for some of these people in the corporate world 10 12 years of heartache and pain I gotta I got a client right now trying to break loose from I won't name the company but I wanted to get in bed with them because they are who they are they have had a year of Heartache and all we talk about in our coaching sessions is how to amicably sever that relationship because they have performance things that got to get done there's demands that need to be met and they can't stand dealing with these MFS anymore and so if you can't give them what they want maybe that's a good thing and so not every deal should be made when dealing with assertive mirror get it that's you hit the nail on the head before you start laying out demands in the form of iMessages or potentially thought-shaping questions can you put an example but on a business um like a business example how how somebody could be assertive on a business negotiation so in the business negotiation if you if if there's a certain price that they want to get and you have a different uh price that you that you think it should be and we had this conversation earlier today the assertive is going to say this is where we need to be at take it or leave it you know I've already done everything I know what the price should be at I know what the market is you're trying to get over on me I need to get it at this price okay so that's good I'm that I'm that type you know but also analysts because when it comes to negotiations you always want to be hearing the other part uh that's analyzing what they want and what they need but then if it comes the time for a negotiation for a price um you know this is the best I can do for you but uh it doesn't accommodate for what you're looking for perhaps it's other options for you so these are two types combined correct so yeah you're absolutely right Ricardo but here's what I want you here's what I want you to think about when you're thinking about your type when you've got skin in the game and you're in the room with me and I smash you in the face with the brick what are you going to do when I come into the room and I start attacking you with that homonym attacks about your company about your character about your integrity about your product about your service what are you going to do when the emotions are high pressures on and I'm painting you into a corner and I'm limiting your options what are you going to do they'll be analyst you know we're going to fight we're going to make friends or we're going to run so don't think of this in terms of who you are and who you're trying to identify don't think of this in terms of your day-to-day life because in your day-to-day life yes you have to be some of everything but I'm talking about when you're threatened Right In the Heat of the Moment where do you go it's it's you know it's funny you say that because uh Mike Tyson used to say everybody has a plan until you get punched in the face that's exactly right right that's right we use it all the time using the normal negotiation um I try to I'm mostly an accommodator but when you have an assertive across the table and he tries to push forward with his facts push forward with his opinions it's hard being an accommodator to actually win that argument because you have all these facts being thrown at you all these information and then you're just trying to you kind of shy away you know in in that sort of situation what's the best way to make the other side actually your you and your points and your your facts that you're trying to put across so remember at the top we said the C was the Curiosity you want to stay curious why is he throwing out these numbers why is he doing this why is he trying to get get you confused his whole intention is to make you think negative thoughts not be able to communicate well forget about what your plan of action is how you're going to get there and so now he's just he's just messing with your brain that that amygdala is messed up now you can't think straight So you you're going to start giving in to whatever he wants because you're not used to having to deal with that yeah exactly so that's when you want to start labeling and mirroring we always we always use the label in your mirror it seems like you've done some research yes it sounds like you're saying this because you have a number in mind okay and can I Shane are you are you an accommodator is that why you posted a question yes I would say so okay so um as an accommodator dealing with an assertive think of yourself they first of all they love dealing with you because you guys will get smacked around the room and enjoy it and not say anything about it I I've had that once and once or twice in the past to be honest and so first knowing know that going in the assertive automatically enjoys being in the room with you you are at an advantage because all you have to do is shut up to maintain the relationship if they're talking to Troy's point you are learning and most people view the assertive as the most difficult negotiation partner when in reality they're the easiest they're the easiest to deal with because I don't have to say anything they just they want to drive they want to pontificate they want to tell only how smart brilliant and just bad they are and so I let them do that now there are ways once you get them to Once once once you've allowed them to share their Vision once you've allowed them to dump their bucket once you allowed them to push out all the data and information that they wanted to put out there's nothing that says that it's now not your turn and so respectfully deferentially you're just going to set them up with a a after you've labeled and mirrored everything that they've given you you're going to set them up with a no oriented question uh simply something like this are you I appreciate you taking the time to share that with me are you against me walking you through what our vision is on how this is going to play out let that sit for one or two seconds no oriented question you're trying to generate that no response but uh no verbal response but the actual result is a yes and then right before you jump into all of your data and information you're going to set it up with the accusations on it which is what we're going to talk about next and that is this is going to catch you off guard you're going to think that I'm naive and don't have a good appreciation of what the market looks like and let that sit one one thousand two one thousand three one thousand and now you lay out your side of the story so while he thought he was bulldozing you steamrolling you when he was throwing out all of his data and information the reality is he was giving you information that you were going to now use to State your case in Chief make sense makes sense so basically take the 45 second Gap that you suggested and kind of wait up and pay the deal position it's not going to be a 45 second Gap it's just going to be let them go you know when you first sit down with this assertive simply simply make this statement it seems like you have a vision for how this is going to work out you open that up to an assertive and you can just sit back for the next 10 minutes you're not going to be able to say one thing because they're just going to book all of this information on you now you pick your spots label and mirror paraphrase whatever you get especially those things that support your position right and then you switch it around and now you're going to give it to him so the time limit is however much time they take you just we're not in a hurry so if it takes them three hours to get through to their point we'll wait there for three hours thanks for that yeah so if you're talking about the 45 seconds to a minute that's when they're attacking you uh you know that's when you let up just it'll it'll pass but just like he said the assertive they'll they'll talk and every time you do a dynamic silence they think it's their turn to talk let them makes it a lot easier for you eighty percent of the time in the negotiations we're going to have the accommodator voice we're going to be friendly we're going to be kind we're going to be considerate we're going to want to build that relationship the other 20 of the time you want to have the late night DJ voice that's where you're going to be precise you're going to be direct you're going to speak very clearly in an effort to get apart across what you need to get across and a good time that you use that is when you're stating your position so let's let's start with talking about mastering mastering the note this is letting them hear no letting them feel no without actually saying the words no and so for your best results it's going to be tactical empathy on the front end and then however you're going to say no and we'll talk about the four phases of no you know in a later session but you're letting them hear it letting them feel it without you actually saying it um Ned colletti used to manage the Dodgers back in the day and um he was famous for saying I like to let out know a little bit at a time and so we're going to talk about ways to actually push back against the other side without cornering themselves and without cornering you mastering their weaknesses that their weaknesses where do you think where do you think the cutthroat's weakness lies not having control that's one of them they need to feel like they're in control the assertive the Cutthroat negotiators are looked upon some of the most difficult people to deal with in a difficult conversation in negotiation from my perspective they're the easiest because they want to feel like they're in control and they want to feel like they got the best deal that they could the operative word in both of those is feel yeah Chris tells a story all the time about um being an international kidnapping Market and the powers that be wanting to know when are they going to be released when are they going to release the kidnap victim and Chris's standard response was when they feel like they've gotten everything that they could when they feel like they got the best price possible doesn't mean that they actually end up with the best price possible they just need to feel like they did and and so we're talking about feelings and how stupid is that when you're talking about International kidnappers and terrorists we're talking about how they how they feel and so our job is to make them feel in control as early as possible using deference using subordination you may even want to say you know it's it's it's clear that you've got the upper hand here it's clear that you're in control here they'll eat it up they'll eat it up you try it one time when you when you go into an area a space in your organization where you don't have the same cachet as you do on your own but you bring to the table a special knowledge or skill or ability that's going to help this other space improve their ability to do their job and when you come in there you're viewed as an introoper you're viewed as an outsider and so as a result you'll likely get pushback for any idea any suggestion that you make because it's not your area and you're encroaching and the sooner you recognize that and defer to that the more cooperation and and non-obligatory buy-in you'll get from the other side so for someone that has lost maybe control or not not control they've had a bad conversation they got on the phone with someone they're negotiating I don't know a deal where they're doing let's say it's 3 000 a month or five thousand dollars a month right it's a deal for a year it's worth 60 Grand in all um and they've had a they've had a bad conversation and they can't get the person to call them back or they haven't been able to what's the next steps are you following up following up follow up follow up like you know Grant Cardone style or are you letting it go and moving on to the next one like what's what's your technique for all right that conversation didn't go well and what's next all right so I value my time you know um if if you're too hard for me to get to I'm probably not going to continue the follow-up however my next follow-up is going to be a two-pronged approach I'm going to send you a one-line message it's going to go in an email or it's going to go in a text and it's going to be one line and one line and I'm going to say have you given up on doing business with me or have you given up on this the sale or whatever it is and I have sent that message out have you given up on x now 999 times out of a thousand which is pretty good batting average I'm going to get a response back somewhere between 3 and 30 minutes from sending that out and it has to go out like that word for word I had a woman once said to me I sent that text out and it didn't work I'm like all right cool interesting possible tell me word for word what you sent that and she said yeah well I thought that sounded a little harsh you know and so instead of saying have you given up on doing business with me I sent out a lot a message and said should we give up on having lunch together so we can discuss the process I'm like I wouldn't answer that either and you and you gotta understand where they're is uh you got to be careful with of the wheat crap your boss comes to you and said hey look we got a problem is that what the boss means yeah no he's like you got a problem you have a problem and so we disguise you know we use we as a disguiser for you all the time it's just it's so bad so the the one line is have you given up on doing business with me word for word now you're going to get a response anymore from three to thirty minutes I'm not kidding but now what do you do to follow up they haven't been listened to they're not talking to you because you've shown them that you don't listen to them so when you get them back on the phone what you have to do is summarize the perspective from their situation do not repeat your pitch do not repeat what caused them to go dark in the first place sounds so logical but man so many people do that everybody does it you know summarize it from their perspective and throw in you know you're probably having a hard time with this you probably think I'm not paying attention to you you gotta especially summarize the stuff that you don't like I mean I would ask anybody listening to this also take a look at my TED talk because that's when I say I must say it eight times summarize the stuff you don't like summarize the stuff from their perspective meaning what what does that look like all right what that looks like is they're not getting back to you because they don't feel listened to be so you say you're probably not getting back to me because you don't feel listened to you're probably you know they're not getting back to you because the process is not moving them forward you say you know what this process probably hasn't moved you forward at all you're probably asking yourself why you're talking to me at all because that is in fact what's going on you got to get the voice in their head to shut up you don't get the voice in her head to shut up by contradicting it you get the voice in her head to shut up by articulating what it's saying now suddenly you resonate with the voice in their head and you keep at this until they say to you that's right ah so if you get it wrong it's not over you just keep saying okay well then maybe this well the great thing is if you're actually trying to solve it or articulate it from their perspective if you get it wrong they're going to go no no that's not it this is what it is they'll correct you um now that being corrected is one of the ideal places on a planet to be because people love to correct and when they correct they tell you the truth I I want you to repeat that one more time for the audience to hear because I don't think very many people understand that so one more time for the audience in the back being corrected is one of the ideal places on the planet to be the other side loves it which means now they're in an interaction with you that they love which bodes well for future interactions and when they correct they tell you the truth so to the people out there that are like ah man if I feel corrected I feel like they think that I'm not credible or that that I don't know what I'm talking about and therefore they're going to see me as less and not want to do business with me what would you say to that you're leaving money on the table you are killing yourself you are you know it's an emotional intelligence move one of the smartest moves on a planet and be your fear is getting in your way and your fear is stopping you from living in a bigger house I love that I love that so you said it was a two-pronged approach and maybe we covered the second one already but the first one was that text or that email one line what was part two of that yeah get it that's right I'm part one if you get a no out of them part two is to get a that's right out of them you get her that's right out of them now your next move is is exactly this I'm going to do it perfectly dead freaking silence shut the front door shut up let him kill the boy so because if they reply back you just don't reply when when you get it that's right out they will never be more inclined towards you than they are in that moment the secret of negotiation is letting the other side have your way at that point in time let them give you the deal let them outline it for you now in the extremely unlikely event that they don't but you have to give them a chance to do so count one thousands in yourself so you know one one thousand two one thousand if you get to 10 and only if you get to 10 then you say how would you like to proceed and that's if you're on like on the Villa then not via email exactly I mean you um it's hard to get a that's right out of somebody via emails are bad moves emails are playing chess and you don't want to make seven chess moves in one email so this is on the phone in person so you get out okay get it that's right out of them verbally shut the front door if you count to 10 and you will not you you will get to three and they'll start talking again but in the event you got to wait to ten very deferentially you hit him with the magic H question how would you like to proceed how would you like to proceed now you know the road map and you know the best possible road map if it doesn't work for you you just made yourself smarter and you move on and you move on that's awesome that's how so good how what would you say to people and and you've mentioned this several times in this you just recently opened an art gallery and just started in business I've had my business for 23 years and you deal with pushovers on a regular basis I deal with um rich people and billionaires um billionaires yes and I get used to get in their way they do get their way they they plow um over everybody I recently found a book your brother talked you into it thank God you listen to your brother because you didn't want to read the book I've had I'm I'm fairly successful and I usually don't really successful I think you're ridiculously successful right well I'm I'm okay I'm good I feel I'm lucky but I had one situation that was really bothering me for it wasn't over three years an agreement that had just not been honored and I was trying Every Which Way in the ways I thought were natural to me to basically push back you know and the tougher he got the tougher I got and we just kept going back and forth back and forth and he had dug his heels in and I was just basically punching the air for three years yeah um then I read the book yeah I thought okay I'm gonna try it and yeah there's no way it's gonna work I'm gonna try it give it a try and literally within seven days I got a wire for 700 was out sounded like you were outstanding I was not willing to Cave which I think is a shock on the other side if they're used to people just caving and I'm not a caver but I wasn't gonna let it you grew up in New York you're from here see a tough New York chick kinda so and you think you're in the art world you're dealing with art that it's a very soft lovely kind of you know it'd be tough right come out of these dealers Commodities exchange right yeah and it's uh I mean the numbers are real and and there's people that are affected if it's it's real money you having fun here today yeah it's great totally great you you're at one of our special master classes so is that what that says it's a master class on tactical empathy and you're having a good time I was thrilled to celebrate your coming thank you for coming today we we we are grateful obviously I need advice I want to give this book to my sales team but I'm afraid they'll use it on me so do it on a regular basis everybody in my in my company uses it on me we work together though it's for great collaboration yeah the whole purpose is how do we create collaboration where the other side wants to collaborate or not because we got to collaborate so I have a negotiating approach which is a win-win if I win I want everyone to win yeah I want people that I do business with if they don't feel satisfied or that they've achieved anything unless there's a loser on the end of the deal so they want to win or loser so we let him feel that way it's not what actually happens how they felt about it okay and we make people feel the way they want to feel to feel like they got a great deal yeah yeah this guy feels like he really got one over when I was five the 700 Grand so yeah truly thank you yeah thank you I have a question from a friend who's asking um who is asking how to deal with assertives who are giving out orders immediately taking charge when they first meet um practically they immediately start ordering ordering them around and it's one of those classical situations where you think of all of the great things you should you could have said only long afterwards uh how to deal with people who assume control take charge of the encounter um practically it's kind of like a pretty over bullying situation let's say avoiding meetings with people is not always possible with these kind of people is not always possible especially in a work environment so how do you like we've been referring to Able Authority failure how do you handle a situation like that all right so let me ask you a question before I answer Amber and that is when you are subjected to that kind of behavior what does that do for you emotionally internally um cognitively what does that do for you okay um knowing this person it probably causes her to freeze my me personally when people do that to me it depends on the situation it can either trigger a angry response or else I personally go into differential mode I switch on my customer service hat uh it's not always the case of course however this person in particular is often um bullied at uh at work like this and has been trying to deal with the situation best they can they just don't have many techniques down yeah understood understood so um the first thing that I would recommend that you share with them is we're always with the Black Swan method we're always on the hunt for the motivating factors what's driving the behavior we get so wrapped around the axle that this person comes in and throws their weight around and gets bullied and and takes over the show on every project that they get involved in and how that makes us feel that we don't look what at what the driving motivation is behind the behavior for every behavior for every statement for every question there is a reason behind it and your challenge your friend's challenge is going to be how do I uncover what that real reason is part of that is going to be intuitive part of that you're going to pick up simply because your gut is telling you if you're willing to listen that's where most people fail is that they're unwilling to listen to their subconscious your brain um is is a powerful supercomputer they've been trying to duplicate the Computing process of the brain in desktop and laptop computers for decades and they cannot do it your brain your conscious brain process is probably 40 bits of information per second your subconscious brain I.E your intuition your gut process is 20 million bits of information per second there's a lot of data coming at you from the other side that's going to scream at you what's going on with them that's where your frame of mine needs to be is determining what is motivating the behavior The Bullying is incidental the taking over of the conversations and being very aggressive is incidental there's something that's driving that and so I know you're a third party in this conversation but I want you to use your super computer Amber and tell me when you're subjected to the person that's coming at you with both barrels and they're being aggressive they're being bullied they're they're bullying you they're trying to push you around a room assert their Authority impose their will what do you think is going on with them internally they probably feel threatened they trouble probably trying to take over uh control because they see uh like they're they're afraid that you will maybe outshine them or something of the sorts like especially if it's a situation where it's a boss dealing with a a millennial like an an older boss dealing with Millennials for example that's that's one thing I've noticed um very often these people they have a very very little self-esteem and they see some the other person as like the other day with Sandy uh we're talking about the body posture probably in my talking right now because I'm crouched over again I'm coming across as much weaker than what I actually am if I would assume the proper body of posture so there's a lot of that in the mix all right all of that foreign about being outshined I never said that I was worried about having something taken from me but those are all signals that you picked up based on this scenario as presented that is your subconscious brain telling you this is the data that I'm picking up from the other side what is the best way to manage that person in that situation is to identify and verbalize what you just told me they're being threatened fear of loss is the single biggest driver of human decision making and behavior what you just described for me was a fear of loss on the part of the person who is acting out in the fashion that you described they're afraid of being outshined they're afraid that the boss is going to take favor over someone else's idea as opposed to theirs and that is a loss of face self-esteem respect and that is what's generating that so the sooner that you for example use a label to identify that for the other person the further along the path of mitigating that counterproductive Behavior you go because even the aggressive bully who just can't seem to keep their mouth shut and seems to take over every team meeting that you have they're telling you by the behavior that you don't get it and the sooner that you demonstrate for them that you indeed do get it the better off both of you are going to be and the chances of you correcting air quotes that behavior becomes possible because it doesn't matter where they fall on the Spectrum assertive analyst or accommodator everybody wants someone else to understand what they're going through and this is good for all of you when you're talking about counterproductive Behavior persistent counterproductive Behavior because that's what it was just described to me because you said this happens often to this particular person this that is the the counterpart jumping up and down screaming that you're not getting something so when you're faced with any type of counterproductive Behavior that's persistent whether it's taking over meetings being a bully uh speaking with you aggressively your challenge is to find out where it's coming from and counterproductive Behavior the likes of which I just described is done primarily for three reasons you don't you're missing something that's reason number one you're failing to be sensitive to something that's important to them reason number two they're under tremendous pressure from somewhere on their side of the table and you've failed to acknowledge it or they're doing it because they're trying to manipulate you or get over on you you have to stay in the moment to figure out which one of those three it is because if it's the first two nothing is going to get better until you address those negatives as they see it if it's the third if they're trying to manipulate there's nothing in our Playbook that says that you need to be victimized by manipulation and so with with persistent counterproductive Behavior you need to address it because the longer that you let it go the less influence you're going to have with the other person in other words if if I repeatedly smack you in the face with a brick every time that we talk I'm going to think to myself Amber's just going to sit there and take it so I'm going to continue to do it and every time that I'm able to do it your ability to influence me becomes less and less and less until the the relationship just spirals out of control yeah is that helpful Amber extremely helpful thank you very very much yeah Andrea made a good point which is um she says my rule of thumb is that I'm always striving um to be more effective to move ahead essentially exactly and that's exactly what this is right because it's like do we need to be nice just to be nice because that's a societal expectation no like that's not why we're doing this right we're not doing this because that's just what's expected of us from men or from larger society right we're doing this because we want to make deals happen we want to we want to have a working relationship with people we want to it's it's motivated by larger things so that's the main thing and keep in mind that with this Black Swan method it's a group of skills that you can use to your benefit so what you're doing is you're taking these skills and you're using them on the other side to your benefit so it's not that you're having to change your personality or who you are you're adapting to the situation and using these skills so that you're more effective you know in the boardroom in the job interview in the salary negotiation because you can only control yourself so if you control your tone and what comes out of your mouth you'll be surprised how that will be mirrored from the other side yeah exactly yeah Yvonne just mentioned um that she said it is um is assertiveness something that you learned was it part of your character because she's really more than like nice kind and she feels like that's a disadvantage and um I feel like well I mean Sandy and I have talked about this because Sandy's more assertive naturally I'm more the accommodator naturally um and it is something that you have to learn it's more like learning how to have boundaries and saying no um and I really do like personally I use labels all the time I use them on dates I use them on I use them with my parents I use them on like I use them all the time not just in business cases because it's a really great way where I can keep my like my natural tone of voice that is very accommodating but then I can also make it very clear like draw lines in the sand like it seems like you think I don't know about this already or it seems like you right like where I can use that tone of voice that's a little bit of a that's a that's an assertive one okay just for the record but that you really can use it to draw lines in the sand while maintaining your persona you don't have to lose that in order to draw draw lines and be assertive right exactly um I will say that of the three personality types the assertive is where you never want to be so if you are naturally assertive it's actually harder for you because when you're using these skills the place where you should live your your go-to place to use these skills is as an accommodator because 80 of the conversation is going to be in that playful friendly nice voice it's when you get to your pitch or your ask when you want something specific from someone that's when you're going to go into that analyst voice and that's the lower octave not quite as friendly very serious very you know monotone because that's going to draw attention to what you're saying because that's what you really want them to listen to so you're playful and friendly until you want to come across with this is the important thing that I'm talking about you're going to go down you're going to slow down and they're going to focus in because you just changed everything and you'll be surprised to see how people will literally focus in on you when you start to change that voice because you're actually manipulating them without doing it you flip a little switch in their brain when you use that voice okay so that's where you should be the other 20 of the time if you want to be assertive go to the gym punch a punching bag scream and holler throw some paint at a wall That's supposed to be having throat paint thrown at it do something else um it is hard I will say if you are naturally assertive to hold yourself in that accommodator's position it's exhausting because for me I'm just naturally blunt and sarcastic and you know I'm I'm that's just me I'm unfiltered 90 of the time so you really have to try hard to stay in that accommodator place so if you are an accommodator don't work toward being more assertive because you really don't need to be these skills work best from an accommodating Viewpoint okay with that accommodator's voice that's where they work the best because you know you're not going to come across as something that people can get defensive toward if you're in The accommodators Voice

Channel: NegotiationMastery

Views: 43,583

Keywords: real estate marketing, real estate agent salary, real estate investing, never split the difference, chris voss, negotiation skills, tactical empathy, improve communication skills, business negotiation tactics, conflict management in the workplace, getting to yes, negotiation strategies and tactics, emotional intelligence book, value proposition and customer segments, communication skills, dealing with difficult people, sales force, hubspot, tone of voice in sales

Id: OADe3ig2j5s

Length: 90min 11sec (5411 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 10 2022