- Okay welcome to this
month's Patron's Choice video. The topic you've chosen this month is how to date an Aspie. So in this video I'll be going through the biggest mistake that so many people make, and actually this one thing is the, my biggest fear when dating, that other will do this. After that I'll be sharing
three essential things that you should be doing
in every relationship if you're not already. But before I jump into that, I thought I'd share a quick story, just to set the scene. So, a couple of years ago I was traveling through Europe, and I ended up coach surfing in Sweden, staying with a young woman who invited me to sleep on the coach in her lounge room for a couple of days. And when she was showing
me around the house, letting me know what the rules were, she made it really really clear, and emphasized beyond belief, that just in case I didn't know, in Sweden you never ever
wear shoes in the house at any time. And I remember thinking okay, sure, that's fair enough. I mean that's quite common, in houses in Australia as well so, yep, that's no problem. But then she emphasized that again, I wanna make sure you've got this, no shoes in the house
under any circumstances. Okay, great, got it, no problem. So the next day I went for a walk, it was September, it was
still nice and sunny, and when I got home, I, first thing I did
was take my shoes off, and leave them at the front door. Alright? So I went inside, and I
put my slippers on instead, to keep my feet warm. So, I was having a good time. I thought everything was good. But when she got home, the
very first thing she did, is look at my slippers, and say, "Are you wearing shoes in the house? I specifically told you that there's no shoes in the house, under any circumstances". So I immediately started to
explain myself a little bit, saying, you know, "They're slippers. They're kind of like indoor shoes. I never wear them outside, they're just to keep my feet warm". But, that was completely beside the point, I'd completely
misunderstood the situation, and what I had done, was inappropriate, in her mind. For reasons I didn't quite understand, and still don't really understand. So, the lesson there is that these kind of little misunderstandings can happen really really easily, and in relationships, how we deal with those
everyday misunderstandings can make or break a relationship. So in this case for example, what do you think happened because of that misunderstanding? Well I can tell what
happened in this case, she knew I was a foreigner, she knew it was a misunderstanding, I took the slippers off,
I never did it again, we were now on the same page, and everything was fine. I had a good stay, we kept in touch, she visited me in Australia and we're still friends to this day. So, there was no issue there, because we both understood that there was a miscommunication and it was no one's fault. So, that was kind of easy because I was a foreigner, and I wasn't expected to already know what to do. But when I'm in my own culture, it's a lot harder to have that kind of acceptance if I accidentally do the wrong thing, because in everyone else's eyes, I should have known what
to do, and I didn't, therefore, I'm a bad person,
or something like that. So this brings me to the biggest mistake that is so common that people make, it's assuming motivation
behind words and actions. So if I ever say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, or neglect to say or do something that you were expecting me to do, I often get accused of an intention that's not in the least bit true. Or it being interpreted in a way that I did not expect in a million years. And I'm talking about really really little things, like why didn't you respond
to my text this week? Don't you care about me? And, so when I explain myself, it sounds like I'm making excuses, right? That's not what I meant, that's not what I'm trying to say, that's not why I did that. But I'm not trying to excuse my behavior, I'm trying to help you to understand me, and why I did that, so that you don't get the wrong impression. So that's why this is my biggest fear in relationships, right? Because if people make
assumptions about me, and don't listen when I try and explain that they're not in the
least bit true, then my experience is that very
quickly leads to rejection, and there's absolutely
nothing I can do about it. So instead, and I know
this is really hard to do, is I need people to be open to then possibility that maybe their assumptions are wrong, which means, asking me,
instead of assuming. And listening to my answer, instead of pretending like I'm
just tryna make excuses. We tend to be honest to a fault, right? So when I say something, it's 'cause it's actually true. And, when I'm not believed, it feels like there's nothing I can do about that. So, I understand that it can be really hard to trust someone, especially when they're
behaving in a strange way, especially when their answers don't seem to make sense in your world. So, what I suggest instead is you still have to ask, you still have to listen to the answer and do
your best to understand it, but instead of basing your trust on that, base your trust on past experience. So, if I don't call you for a week, and then I call you at
the end of the week, the next time I don't call you for a week, I'm probably gonna call
you at the end of the week. So, you can trust me based on what you know about my behavior and my patterns of behavior, and that's a lot easier to rely on, that physical evidence, than it is to conceptually try and get on the same page about what to expect. Okay so that brings me to the first absolutely essential thing that is required in every relationship with someone on the spectrum. The first thing you need to do, is give us time. I really love the saying that the greatest gift you can give
an autistic person is time. It really helps with communication
and misunderstanding, if someone else actually knows me. So, get to know us, get
to know how we work, get to know how we're different, and what you can expect of me, that you would never except of anyone else in the population. So a really common issue when
it comes to relationships is the need to withdraw
and have recharge time, so, a friend of mine was
coming over for dinner to my house the other day, and when she got here, she basically said, "Look, it's been a really long day, I'm really tired, what I'm going to do is sit by myself on the
coach with my headphones on not talking to you for 45 minutes". And I thought okay, sure,
great, good, you do that, I'll keep cooking dinner, it's fine. And because I knew that
was normal for her, I wasn't projecting my insecurities as to why she might be doing that, and what I've done wrong, because she is not talking to me
for the next 45 minutes. So in a way, this is kind of the opposite of the big mistake. The big mistake is assuming,
making assumptions, and the reason we do that is to save time, right? If I go out in the street
and talk to someone, I'm gonna assume they speak English, because I live in Australia, and it's a fair assumption to assume someone speaks English. It might be right, and it might be wrong. When you're having a
relationship with someone on the spectrum, there
is a significant chance that any assumption you
make might be wrong. So it's always good to check
in with your assumptions, and the way to do that is to spend the time getting to know us. Which, should be fun, right? Do you wanna relationship with me, you need to spend time getting to know me. So that's about you getting to know me. Point number two, is helping me to get to know you, by making your expectations
as explicit as possible. If I have to guess what
someone else wants, I might guess okay,
I'm getting pretty good at guessing in general. But, it's a lot easier, and
takes a lot less energy, if you can just tell me what you want. And I know that's really
difficult for people because people on the spectrum tend to be a lot more direct than the
rest of the population, so it might be difficult
for you to be that direct. But if you can start learning that it's actually okay, and I'm not gonna judge you, it's just really helpful to know exactly what you want. And I'll be really grateful because this whole relationship thing is really hard for me too, alright? So if you're doing some of the work, that is a massive burden off my shoulders, because I am not solely
responsible for our communication. And, if we get to the point where one person is solely responsible for ensuring there are
no miscommunications, that is not a good place to be in. That's not gonna last very long. Proper communication requires both parties taking
their own responsibility to try as hard as they can to understand the other person, and try
as hard as they can to be as clear as they can
in their communication with the other person. And this is a lot harder
than it looks sometimes. I mean I'll admit, we can
be really difficult to read. There's a young woman on the spectrum that I was working with last year, and her voice sounds sarcastic, no matter what she says, no matter how seriously she says it. So it's really hard to tell whether she's being serious, or whether she's making a joke, especially because a lot of the time she's
legitimately being sarcastic, so I constantly have to check in, to make sure that I
understood what she said in the way that she actually meant it, because if I just assume based on what it sounds like to me, I'll get it wrong, significant
amount of the time. And the other reason
it's really important, to make your needs really explicit, because if I can't meet
them for any reason, I can tell you and we can work out some way around it. Like if you want me to respond to SMS straight away, and I can tell you, look, I'm sorry, I really can't do that. So, if you want someone who can do that, well this isn't gonna work out. However, if that's something
that you can live with, and you know that I still care about you, it's just that I'm not gonna respond to your SMS straight away. If you can accept that, then all of a sudden, we can still have a relationship, and this little miscommunication doesn't destroy everything. And that brings us to the third point of needing to be open to non-traditional relationships. I once had an online dating
profile where I wrote, "If you're looking for average,
you're in the wrong place". So, there are lots of
things that you might assume naturally goes along
with the relationship, but for whatever reason, and that small one about the
texting might be one of them, maybe it just doesn't happen. If you want a traditional white wedding, that may or may not happen, right? Or maybe that does happen, and your relationship
looks very traditional from the outside. Except that one of the conditions of marriage and kids and
making that life work together, is that you have two separate bedrooms, because he needs his space. Look, anything is possible, and I guess what I'm saying is just be open to the fact that everything that you
think has to go together, probably doesn't necessarily
need to go together, and there might be some weird and wonderful reasons why this tiny little thing is a problem, and if we could only do it
this slightly different way, then everything would be fine. So if you're open to being surprised and letting go of some
of those expectations, you could be in for one
incredible relationship, with an amazing Aspie, because there are so many out there, who just need someone to look past the fact that they do things slightly differently. Okay so we might leave it there for today. In summary, the biggest mistake is making assumptions about and
misinterpreting behavior. And the three things that pretty much every relationship relies on is firstly, giving us the time to actually
get to know us properly, and how we work and how we're different. Being as clear as possible
in your communication of your needs and your expectations. And finally, just being open to the fact that things might not go exactly as you predicted, and they might take a turn that is weird and wonderful and so much better than you could've imagined. So, that's a couple of tips on how to date an Aspie. Big thanks to Patreon community for picking such a great topic this month, and if you would like to have your say in next month's Patron's Choice video, you can become a cup of coffee
supporter of this channel for less than a dollar a week. So, please consider that, if you're able. Otherwise stay tuned
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