- We are going to talk about how to change your tone of voice. It's really challenging but we're going to give
you some starting steps. So let's get into those details. (dramatic music) Hello again, Alex Lyon here. This channel is all about helping you communicate more effectively, especially if you are an emerging leader. I made a video a while back about tone of voice and
all that it included, and that video is about your emotions and the attitude you give
off when you're talking. So this video is not about, let's say, how to take a high pitch voice and speak in a lower pitch voice. I think we're talking about something much more important than that. And that it's how you come
across through your tone, and the related non-verbals
that you give off, like your attitude,
your facial expression, the emotions that you give
off to the people around you. It could be, for example, that if you are speaking in a fast pace, with really short clipped sentences, that people would hear
that as part of your tone. So we're going to talk about that type of tone of voice. And many of the comments
in that first video asked questions, for example, like people tell me I have a bad tone and I don't know what that means and what should I do about that? Well, here's the good
news and the bad news. Let's start with the bad news. First, nobody can really
solve your problem with some really quick trick, some quick fix on a video like this. Tone of voice doesn't work that way. It's like trying to change your accent. It takes time to change. But the good news is that it is possible to change your tone. And there are two main routes, or I think of them as
train tracks, to your tone. Two main pathways to
eventually change your tone. And the first route or
train track is your mindset. That's your inner world. Your mindset drives your
behavior or your tone. So the way you regularly think and feel comes out in your tone, and the other non-verbals
that go along with it. But most of us are not really aware of our mindset in the first place. It might not seem to you, for example, that you are especially
frustrated, annoyed or anxious. You might have a certain
level of frustration, for example, that's just normal to you. But that inner world comes out enough so your tone will be noticeable to others. Most of us only notice, let's say if we feel angry, for example, if a specific situation
really sets us off. Most people don't
realize they're depressed unless somebody talks to them about it. So it sounds weird but that's how we are. I know a married couple, for example, and the husband was pretty grumpy and frustrated all of the time. And after a couple of years of marriage, his wife asked him, "Honey, do you think you
might have an anger problem?" And he was so surprised,
he was like, "What? "I don't have an anger problem." And he kind of said it
with an angry tone even. But his wife was patient. And the more they talked about it, the more he realized that he
did have a mindset of anger. A collection of opinions
and attitudes and feelings that came out as a consistent
low level angry tone. He just didn't realize it. So the key is most of us are not aware of our mindset, our mood, unless something specific
happens that really spikes it. So if we're not really angry, then we don't notice. But sometimes our tone can come out at those low levels on a daily basis and we don't realize that
we're coming across that way. So the question is, as a starting place, what is your mindset about life? Are you generally annoyed
or frustrated or angry? What's your general
outlook about the world? So right now, I want you
to fill in the blanks to these two questions,
these two statements. Most of the people around me are, blank. That's the first one. And the second statement is this, basically the world is, blank. So fill in those blanks, and give yourself a minute to
work on those two statements. That will give you a starting
point for your mindset. And that may reveal why your tone is coming out a certain way. So the second driving force
behind tone is bad habits. And we pick these up
from maybe our parents and the people that we hang around with. Have you ever practically
heard, for example, your mother's voice or your father's voice coming out of your mouth? Like, whoa! I just sounded exactly like my mom there, or my dad there. You picked up their communication habits. And we do the same thing
with the group of friends or group of co-workers that
we hang out with the most. We imitate each other really. And if your group of friends communicate with let's say, lots of sarcasm, then you'll start to do it too. And the sarcasm will make
sense to that group of friends, and you might, again, not even notice it. They might even like it somehow. And you see this with kids. Children would be hanging out with their friends all day long and talking with a certain
tone to each other, a certain sassy attitude maybe. And then they come home and they try to talk to their
parents with that same tone. But that tone doesn't fit when they're talking to their parents. And their parents will call them out on it and say, "You better change that tone!" Or your co-workers might
not appreciate some attitude that you bring into the workplace that you picked up from other friends. But it's just like mindset, it's hard for us to notice our habits. So here are the questions I would like to you to ask as a start, Who do you sound like? Do you sound like one of your parents? What do the people you grew up with and hang around with sound like? Maybe you've taken on
their tone out of habit. So consider that. And really, mindset and
habits are connected. They're two, again, train tracks that are pushing in the same direction. And your wheels will fit right into them. And that's why tone can
be so difficult to change. But let's try. So here are three steps that you can take to begin to change your tone. The first step is to
start with your mindset. Become an expert on your own mindset. About your inner world. What makes you tick? Investigate it. What are the situations that you are in when you are communicating
with the wrong tone? And figure out what are
your thoughts and feelings in those specific situations? You have to try your best to essentially pause the moment, like you're pausing a
video, and ask yourself, what's going on with my
thoughts and feelings in this moment, this specific situation? And if you're coming across as frustrated, ask yourself, am I frustrated? What's bothering me? What's your outlook look like? Put some words and thoughts, words to those thoughts
and those feelings, and write them down, journal them, and examine them to figure
out what those things are. The second place to start
is examining your habits. If, for example, you come
across as too intense, too edgy, who else in your
family or group of friends might be intense like that? Where did you learn that habit? It's quite possible you learned
it from someone around you. And the third step to this is do your best to develop a
new mindset and new habits. Now, I like to say this
is easy, but it's not. Real change takes time. It's like, again, changing
an accent when you speak. But your goal should ultimately be to replace your old
mindset with a new one, a more positive one, and start working on new habits. Practice communicating with
more of a positive tone, and a positive mindset, for example. I recommend you literally
listen to how you sound. Maybe record yourself on video even, to speed up that learning
process and that change, to adopt that new mindset
and that new habit. Now obviously, I don't know what your specific tone issues are. But these ideas, I hope,
are a starting place so that you can make a
plan to move forward. I hope this video was helpful. I'll link to the first
video on Tone of Voice in the description below this one. So thanks, God bless, and I will see you next time.
