How to build self-worth and stop seeking external validation (with 4 practices)

hi everyone my name is Dia and in today's video I want to talk about how we can come to understand what exactly selfworth means and how to increase our sense or strengthen our sense of selfworth I broken down the video into three main parts today so we can have an organized structure the first part I want to talk about is understanding what is selfworth and how that differentiates from self-esteem the second part I want to talk about is why it is incredibly important to have a good strong sense of self-worth and the third part which is probably the most important I am going to provide you with four steps on how to continue to increase strengthen and build your own sense of self-worth selfworth is a lot more associated with what's going on on the inside and less affected or more resilient against outside forces or circumstances it is a lot more about who you are versus what you do or how you perform maybe you're feeling a little bit resistant right now does a high selfworth equate to someone being arrogant or full of themselves and I think maybe possibly but that's not black and white it's more superlative and do I think that these people who do have a higher sense of self are more confident and possibly get what they desire a bit more I think the answer is probably yes as well what's really important here is that you remember yes there is a objective reality that we all live in but how you perceive that reality how you perceive yourself in relation to your external environments to other people plays a almost more crucial role in how you will do or feel or experience life so this Attunement to sense of who you are and having a good strong sense of selfworth is incredibly important it's going to dictate how you stand in your boundaries it's going to dictate what you think you deserve what you will go for what you can imagine is possible for yourself and in life I don't just mean materialistic things it could be what's possible in terms of experiences you want to have relationships you want to have I like to think of our sense of self as a house a house that we continuously build and live inside of and the windows that we open is how we perceive the world and the doors that we open are how we get to interact and experience with the reality it's a house that you should feel safe and secure in and it's able to weather any type of storm that may occur that you cannot predict and just like the weather life is going to be unpredictable no matter how much you try to plan or control things are going to come up things are going to change meaning we have to change with it so it is a lot more important to focus on building or having that Foundation or that home that is equipped to continue to be remodeled to renew or to support you when a storm hits secondly and this is an important concept one that I've actually personally struggled with in the past maybe you never got the loving nurture that you deserved as a kid and I don't mean spoonfed coddling mom and dad did everything for you what I mean is that the most basic foundational sense of Safety and Security babies and toddlers and kids need to establish a firm sense of I'm safe at home and I can also explore the world out there courageously if you're watching this as a cognizant adult then sorry to say that train has passed that's just the reality of it no one's going to come and fix you no job no relationship Mentor therapist is going to magically change your life it's in our hands now and there are plenty of resources that's going to lead you to the water but if but you are the one that has to drink it and the sooner we can accept this truth the sooner we can begin to feel empowered to actually implement the changes we really want to see and this also helps tremendously to offset that mentality of I'm a victim we have to first come to terms with the past that we cannot change the family we were born into we can't change what happened or didn't happen but we can definitely change what happens from this moment onward so how do we strengthen or increase our sense of selfworth I think that's the 1 billion doll question and I'm going to break it down into into four parts and please remember that all of us are uniquely different individuals with different history and experience but we're all humans so there's definitely underlying foundations that can speak to all of us number one is self-acceptance and compassion I'm not going to dive into the details um this requires a whole lengthier conversation accept the good the bad the ugly this is impossible to do all at once but take notice when something does come up and Trigger you or when someone tells you something about yourself and you feel some type of resistance whether it's good or bad I'll give you an example something that I had to accept about myself recently is that I can be arrogant now watch this if I haven't accepted this part of myself and someone tells me hey you're kind of arrogant I would get incredibly defensive maybe in my body I'd feel a little bit tight maybe I want to shut down I want to fight them or maybe I get really self-conscious and feel ashamed so you can go gentle and ask are there any ways I can sometimes be arrogant even just a little bit and so I take a deep breath breath and I think honestly yes yes I can be despite my best intentions I can definitely be arrogant at times so now I allow this acceptance to settle in my mind and in my body I don't judge it at all I just let it exist so next time when I'm a little overly confident in a situation and someone says hey you're being a bit arrogant I'll notice that because I've accepted this part of myself with compassion and no judgment it doesn't carry any more charge so I can feel and say you know what yeah I can be that sometimes and there won't be any type of defensive feelings or anger or shame and again you don't need to sit there and come up with an inventory of things that you embody whether it's good or bad um all at the same time but it will take some time and sometimes you won't even know what it is until another person is able to mirror it in you so you realize this is something that you reject for the compassionate piece I don't think of it as a lovey dovey oh I love you I accept everything about you the good and the bad I don't think that's practical or realistic um it's not going to be easy to digest or truly be believed by your own unconscious mind so I recommend taking baby steps compassion can simply be neutrality don't let your mind make up stories just let whatever it is there to be there and as a lot of these um philosophical or spiritual uh teachings will say to witness and remember all of us are human beings all of us are trying to do our best with a current awareness desire and knowledge that we possess in this moment so any positive or negatively judged trait or characteristic doesn't Define your selfworth it just makes you human number one on that list is going to be self trust what does that mean to me self trust means that I trust myself to choose things that benefit me to the best of my abilities and that is also good for those around me now to people Pleasers this might seem like it's a contradictory statement what if other people people want me to go out and I don't want to go out well stick around for the fourth point because we're going to talk about that self trust means I care and love myself enough to say no to things that doesn't feel good things that might harm me in any small or large way and continue to build good habits and create a lifestyle that is actually sustainable and good for me long term and the key here is not Perfection it is acknowledging that being human isn't black and white it's not an all or nothing while make the wrong choices sometimes it's also about levity and for going when night of deep rest to enjoy a party with your friends so think of it more of a balance if we're too rigid in our attempt to live in the perfect life it can also tip over into being more controlling or feeling ashamed about not being perfect so what can you do start with things that actually feels nice to do for yourself maybe it's waking up a little earlier in the morning before work so you just have some extra time to do whatever it is that feels good to you and then create a relatively consistent habit out of doing that and maybe it's finally sitting down and doing research on what supplements or skin products that would benefit you and then sticking to that routine at night just like you would brushing your teeth it can be about breaking lofty big life goals that you want for the long run breaking them into smaller chunks so they're achievable for example I heard today on an Instagram post someone was saying that their friend um basically set a goal for himself to go to the gym every day for 5 minutes and even though that sounds ridiculous he was able to accomplish this goal consistently and thus starting to build a habit so anytime you have a goal that feels too scary or not the perfect timing or not the perfect place um break them down into a lot more smaller chunks and then that way you can start to establish that habit becomes before it becomes a part of who you are so whatever those things might be for you whether they're small or big steps um it basically reassures your own inner child and your unconscious mind that you are here for you that you're going to stand by your own promises to yourself and honor what feels good and what's giving you energy because you are worthy of someone looking after you and caring for you the way that you would care for somebody else that you love number two get uncomfortable if you're in survival mode I don't expect you to have the energy or resources to do this so remember the first part of this is compassion but if you're ready or you're in thriving mode it's time to step best out of your comfort zone the only way for you to continue strengthening your selfworth is by doing things that you thought you could couldn't now there's a difference between accomplishment for external recognition versus experiences that actually truly enrich your own life and this does kind of tie into self-esteem but I don't think it's possible to continue growing our sense of self and S forth without engaging with life that is outside of the safety of our home so to speak or the safety of our comfort zone for example I didn't believe I could be My Own Boss until I was and I truly didn't think anyone was proud of me at the time I don't even think I was proud myself it just felt like there were Hills and Hills to climb and Achieve but there is a subtle yet incredibly shift that happened in myself I knew all that it took to learn new skills in order to create videos build a website start a podcast and I began to trust in myself that whenever I felt scared to do something new I had the courage and ability to do it anyway getting uncomfortable and making it through that uncomfortable feeling is how we can start to build more self trust to know that we have our own back and all these different ways we as social creatures need to know or learn how to adapt and how to grow and how to try and I don't know what your uncomfortable thing is that you deeply desire to do but remember just to take baby steps so I have a bit of social anxiety even though I deeply desire connection like most of us do and the way through it is going to things that makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable because you're strangers there and what are they going to think about me and then I actually go to those events and realize it's actually kind of nice and I'm still not the best at this but I'm definitely making progress so this is the perfect transition to the next point which is point four and this is the idea of separation of tasks so I just finished reading this book um the courage to be disliked it's one of those books that was profound enough to actually have inspired this whole episode to be honest separation of tasks simply means that there are tasks that belong to you and and then there are the rest that has absolutely nothing to do with you and it's not your problem they're not within your control and it creates a lot of pain trying to maintain or do other people's tasks and this ties to the behavior of seeking external validation in order to feel that sense of worthiness I'm very familiar with this growing up I was really only praised for things that I did never really for who I am this led me to being really good at being the helper and feeling like others will only appreciate me or find me valuable if I am doing something for them and it creates this very shaky or weaker sense of selfworth because a lot of times people won't always appreciate what you do for them or notice it or they may not even want you to help them the important point is this and it ties into setting boundaries a lot of times we smear our own boundaries in order to feel that acceptance or that love maybe you're burnt out and you just want to take Sunday off you're either afraid to disappoint your friend who's asking you to help them move so you're exhausted and you're feeling resentful and you think that now they owe you a favor or you first try to say no but upon their insistence you start to feel guilty or unconsciously think I'm not a good friend if I don't go help so you say yes and maybe you begin to feel that your friends are only your friends because you do those things or you do those favors for them it's impossible to believe or trust that someone loves you or accepts you for who you are if you're not being honest about who you are and what you want and more importantly what you don't want so again avoid black and white thinking please know that I'm not saying to always 100% prioritize yourself that's not possible there's going to be moments when you show up for someone even though you're a little bit tired even though you're burnt out but it is the proportion of how you show up and how firmly you honor your own needs in your boundaries if you're constantly worried about how other people are perceiving you or what you're doing you're doing other people's tasks for them imagine you're an artist and you love the art that you make you put it online and out of a 100 people that follow you 20 of them Ador your art and they buy it 70 of them felt indifferent or didn't connect to it and 10 of them are just straight up haters is it possible for you to have everyone like what you do or who you are but if you love what you made and you firmly stand by it and enjoyed it why try to control how it's being perceived because you simply cannot you'll be pulled in literally a hundred different directions trying to please everybody trust that the people who genuinely matter and love you will love you through your imperfections know that you cannot control if someone is upset at you or mad at you that is their task your task is to know what your integrity means know your limits know what is a no and what's a yes and allow everyone else to do their tasks how you're perceived is not your task all we can do is operate from the latest updated version of ourselves not perfectly because we're human but we do our best and we take responsibility and accountability for our words and actions and our behaviors but how it is received is not something that you have any say in no matter how much you push or you bend as you can probably tell I am a Avid Reader and if you're curious you can check out my video five books that will change your life you can also follow my podcast path back to you join the modern Pena newsletter or can follow me on any of the social media platforms I'll have everything listed down below until next [Music] time

Channel: Dia Jin

Views: 65,041

Keywords: How to build self-worth, how to be confident, self improvement, how to stop seeking external validation, how to validate myself, self worth tips, overcome insecurities, self esteem, stop being insecure, dia jin, low self esteem, confident women, self love, healing myself, dream life, low self worth, how to be a confident person, how to feel secure, stop caring what people think, self development, confidence, self confidence

Id: ohs33Ybf9BY

Length: 15min 20sec (920 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 24 2024