Good morning, Hank, it's Tuesday. I'm talking really fast because I'm trying to be like John Green even though I'm not John Green, which is something you probably noticed. I'm also trying not to blink and I'm going down in pitch right before my jump cuts. Also, Hank, I'm trying to make the puff level on my hair higher, but I don't have very much, and I'm afraid if I keep doing this, I'll go bald permanently. Yes, I realize John Green wears glasses, but if I put on my glasses, I'll look exactly like Vsauce. And many of you nerdfighters right now are saying to yourself, "He's not Vsauce?" No, I'm not Vsauce. So who am I? Hi. [sigh] I'm Craig Wheezy Waiter. That's my real last name, according to John's previous video. "And Craig Wheezy Waiter, which is his real last name." I'm responsible for that beard over there on the Vlogbrothers channel, but in all other regards, I'm not responsible, at all. That's why I make clones do my chores. Clone: "Hi." Get back to work, clone. So why am I here and when do I leave, many of you are asking. Well, you're not asking- You're not saying "I", you're saying "you", so why am you here and when do you leave? Well, substitute am for are. Because John had a baby. Well, Sarah had the baby. John helped. They brought Alice Green into the world. That picture is just a random baby. That is not their baby. That might be a boy baby. Uh, there. There we go. I can also try to approximate the sound of the baby for you. [crying baby noises] [coughing] Only going to do that once. The reason that I'm so good at impersonating a baby is because of your most recent video, Hank. "How to be a Baby Properly." I actually wrote down your list about how to be a baby, Hank, to make sure I got it right. So here's your list, if I understand it correctly: You're stuck in the world, get used to it. Cry. Sleep 2.5 hours at a time. Put stuff in your mouth. Cry all the time, again. And, try to be cute. That is exactly what I did in college. I failed at the last one. Anyway, Hank and John, it is an honor to be on your channel and once I learned I was going to be on your channel, I knew I had to step up my game because I normally do stuff like this: "Here's me with my shirt off." I'm not proud of it. I am proud of it, but I'm ashamed that I'm proud of it. So I needed some practice interacting with Nerdfighters before I made this video. Therefore, I made a nerdfighter clone. Nerdfighter clone, are you there? "Yes." Why didn't you say anything? "You didn't ask. I was just being polite." You just never forget to be awesome, do you? "DFTBA" Oh hey, listen, I think I saw some worldsuck in the bathroom. Do you think you can go decrease it? With a mop? Thank you. "Yes." Anyway, nerdighter clone didn't help because every time I talked to him, I just kept getting jealous by how awesome he didn't forget to be. So I just decided to do a bunch of things that John Green does, like Question Tuesday, the day I answer fake questions that I just made up, but I assume that you are wondering, but I'm not going to answer real questions because I'm not a Vlogbrother and I'd probably answer inaccurately. "When's John coming back?" I'm not sure, but it's going to be a bunch of weeks and different people are going to host in his place each week "Why's your name Wheezy Waiter?" My name is Wheezy Waiter because I have asthma and I used to be a waiter. "Do you hate Vsauce because he looks so much like you?" No, we're friends. Ha. Such good friends. No, for real, we are friends. "Who the eff is Hank?" Hank is a large flippered marine mammal found in the Arctic Ocean and Hank may also refer to the movement that a Hank makes. [Claps] See? I'm hanking right now. Hank you very much. I'm a dork. "Will you do Sharpie face?" Oh, I don't have any Sharpies. But I do have crackers, so I will smash one my forehead. Yeah, that'll be my thing now. Then I'll eat it too. That was an easy target to hit, if you know what I mean. Oh ho ho, I'm balding. It's sad. What else does John Green do? Thoughts from places. Okay, how about my office? Here goes: Often, when one thinks of an office, feelings such as confinement and separation come to mind, which is why I very deliberately located my office in this open corner of my girlfriend's and my abode. Notice the windows lining the periphery. One can even discover infinity in this locale. No longer is there separation, but connection to everything. What else? Ah, something literary. The work of Oscar Wilde often contains critique of social issues, like false manners, hypocrisy, fraudulent identities, and nowhere is it more exemplary than in this passage: [clears throat] "Whizz, whizz went the Catherine wheel, as she spun round and round." Probably should have planned that out a little better. Wow, he's often in an airport, I'll go to the airport. No, I don't feel like going to the airport. Oh, you know what else? He's also not in an airport very often. I'll do that instead. Here I am. Ah, this is one of my favorite not-airports. Hank, I'll see you on Friday. And, DFTBA.
