How I am overcoming a lifetime of sexual violence & addiction/Part One DISCLAIMER Triggering content

hello angels so this is the first video of my of this series i guess you want to call it um i didn't want the first video to be this long i apologize for that but i did have a very hard time getting through it so please bear with me this video is just telling you why i decided to come back and start sharing these videos um they will be about me sharing my story and all the other times i talked and i advocated i shared what happened to me when i was six but in these videos i'll be sharing everything everything i wrote in my book and once my book is published and then i'll send you the link and you can get it yourself if you'd like but i'll be sharing it all i'll be posting a lot sharing a lot of information quotes everything i i started a new facebook page um i'll put the link below i hope that you all follow me on there um i hope that you will like and subscribe to this video this video and the future ones and share them the most important thing to me is that you subscribe so you can become a part of my family something i've never had and for you to share so other people like me other victims and survivors know that they are not alone i am doing this because to me this is what will help me get through this and helping others that is all i have ever wanted was to help other people like me i don't want anyone to ever feel like i do and if we band together not only can we help each other through this but as long as we band together we stand together we fight together we can put an end to sexual violence i really believe that but we can't do it alone we have to do it together so there's a lot that i i didn't say like i said it's my first video and it was really hard for me to get through so i'll be sharing videos um every day and it'll be just my progress my journey uh publishing my book and the process my stories um anyone that has any questions comments needs me to talk to me privately whatever it it'll just i'm just here for anybody that needs me and to share my story and to help others that's all i have ever wanted so i hope that you will come with me and be supportive and if there's someone in your family that is struggling please please reach out to them even if they seem like they're fine nine times out of ten they're not i hit it i've been hiding it for a long time and it almost cost me my life i would never do that to my children but i i've been there and i still think about i still think about it every day i would never do that to my kids but the fact that i think about it so much is not healthy and after 40 years i'm just now going for help so please please reach out to anyone that you know is suffering especially if they've suffered trauma in any way please just reach out to them i hope you will watch this to the end like subscribe and share and please leave a comment about if you want to share your story if you have advice for me prayers kind words anything i would truly truly be grateful thank you so much i love you for being here you will never know how grateful i am for you watching this please be safe be kind be kind be kind thank you so much hey angels so very long time no see um i decided that i was gonna try and um organize these videos i guess you could say um kind of like a movie um where i was gonna write down exactly what i was gonna say um i decided that i want these to be as real as possible so i'm just i'm just gonna talk um i'm already getting emotional sorry um so this video is just explaining why i decided to come back online um i wasn't gonna do videos anymore i was even going to erase sorry holy [ __ ] man it wasn't going to erase my youtube channel um i have over 200 followers but i only have a few people that ever comment on my videos um and i realized that was more important to me than my message um and it really it really impacted me it really did so i i don't know people are going to watch this but i'm i'm doing this for me now um i've been trying i wrote my book and i've been trying to advocate for um people survivors and victims of sexual trauma sex trafficking sexual assault childhood sexual abuse addiction and in the beginning i haven't been doing it lately which i wish i have i'm gonna try and advocate for all of it what i'd like but i used to advocate a lot for my son because he's special needs and i'm really disappointed in myself that i stopped doing that because special needs children are just as important as my cause um i know typically somebody people they pick one cause that they advocate for but um i'm advocating for people like me and people like my son but these videos specifically will be tailored to sexual violence um i started a new page on facebook um and it's i may change the title because the title of my book is my journey home but i may i may change it i've had it that title for years since i've been trying to do it and i don't think it's really appropriate anymore because i'm not home and i don't mean home as in a place i mean home as in within myself um but it's called my journey home how i survived a lifetime of sexual violence and addiction um so why i originally why i started originally doing these videos was to advocate and to let people know that i'd written a book while writing my book a lot changed for me i didn't realize how much it had changed until just these last few weeks when i wrote my book that was probably one of the hardest things i've ever had to do in my life and it made me remember a lot of things that i've been trying to forget for a very long time and it even made me come to realization about certain things i didn't even know what had happened to me was called sex trafficking until this last year um but i guess i'll start with there's just so much to say and i just i don't i'm having a hard time figuring where to start um so we'll start with this i knew that like i these let this last a few months especially with cove 19 and us having to stay home i've been really working on my health and fitness um i put myself on a really strict routine i've been working out i've been eating better i've lost a lot of weight i've been toning up not as much as i i want to i'm hoping to get a personal trainer once my school money comes in i'm going to put a little bit of money aside for that because my health and fitness is incredibly important to me because it's what helped me get through especially these last few months aside from my son and i know it's what will help me stay mentally focused um i can't even begin to tell you if you're in a bad head place and if you have a mental illness or depression or whatever get into health and fitness because i promise you i promise you you're still going to have bad days but i promise you it will make a big difference because it has for me so i've been doing really good especially this last few weeks about three weeks i've been sticking to it i've taken a day off here or there but for the most part i've really stuck to it and i've i've lost well i lost about 20 pounds a couple years ago when i first got into it and started doing my videos and then i've lost another probably good 15 pounds i've been tiny my entire life um but i gained like 40 pounds a couple years ago um while i was in school and uh i've never looked like that i've never felt like that anyways so i'm i'm down to 109 pounds now that's the lowest i've been in a long time um it feels good but now i'm trying to tone up i i really want to get in the best shape of my life i want to get a six pack i want to get my my arms um they're getting there um and i want to get back into mixed martial arts something i've always wanted to do just so i can feel safe so i know that i can protect my son that's a big part of it but also it helps to bring you inner peace and and respect and balance in your life anyways this is what i mean by getting off track so if i get off track i'm sorry just that's just the way my head works so i knew that being on this strict routine getting into staying on my health and fitness kick doing certain things that i was doing was helping me but i i've had a problem with my anger for for especially these last few years and but it was getting worse and i've been yelling at my son a lot which i [ __ ] hate about me because he doesn't deserve that especially being special needs um but i could feel my depression getting worse my my anxiety getting worse um especially with covin 19 and us not being able to go out i really started to enjoying that and taking advantage of it and just spending a lot of time not just in my home but in my bedroom i wasn't playing with my son as much sometimes not at all i would give him things to do just so i could spend time on the computer all day in my room and i started having thoughts that i haven't had since before he was born that i promised when he was born i would never have again i i know that i would never ever try to kill myself because of my children especially because of aslin but i've been thinking about it a lot what it would be like how much i wish i could you spend your life going through everything that i went through and then these last 10 years i have worked so hard to try to make a better life i got clean i went on methadone i went to college i even graduated but i would tell people i just i couldn't find the right job for me but i couldn't work i couldn't keep a job because i couldn't every time i leave my house my anxiety is through the freaking roots i i hate being around people i'm afraid all the time i'm angry all the time i don't even like going to the grocery store i've been living a lie for a long time i would tell my professors i would miss a lot of school and blame it on my son's special needs and a lot of the time it was but a lot of the time it was just because i couldn't leave my house to go to school and i had tried reaching out and to the community counseling center and never been twice and never been treated so bad in my life i had to put up with [ __ ] at my school with horrible a couple horrible professors thank god i had one or two that were the reason that i was able to get through that i was able to graduate and these last couple months i can't even tell you how many people i have reached out to not just a couple celebrities one in particular um but just just telling certain people um just thanking them for their impact or um charities letting them know that i wrote a book and i wanted to share my story and i desperately wanted to advocate but i didn't know where to start and i just i just desperately wanted to help other women and children who had gone through what i went through and then and i never i've never gotten a reply from anybody except one the main person that had a huge huge impact on my life had even saved my life many times but people get busy and i'm not saying they don't care but it's not as important as other things to them and after getting no reply from anyone i started to lose hope again and then i saw this girl she's 23 she's just a baby and her name daisy coleman daisy cat coleman her nickname was cat same as mine she was brutally raped and then left for dead to freeze to death on her front porch they just dropped her like a [ __ ] piece of trash and she's she started she did a movie she became an advocate she started an organization called safe bay and well i'll go back to this part in a minute what the therapy she was doing but um she took her life and that's the first time i saw her when i saw tribute to her and i started following her and she was just she was so beautiful so talented a tattoo artist she also wrote songs music was my life for a long time i i sang for many many years i just i felt so many connections with her on so many levels i don't know why her death affected me more than any anything that i've ever felt before i even went to the online service they had for her and that was hard but then um they were talking about she went into you go into therapy for three months and then you start something called emdr eye movement rapid eye movement oh i can't remember the name of it anyways i was supposed to do it um when azlin was about a year old but we ended up moving back to florida and i never ended up doing it and i regret that so much because i think i would be in a better place today if i had done it then so i i know that that's not the reason she killed herself but when you go into that therapy it's a lot of the part of the therapy is you go back to the times when you were for your experience happened for me i have so many that i just i'm terrified of going back to those times i'm already on the edge and i don't want to lose myself so far that i can't come back especially because i don't have anybody i don't have support she had family friends i don't i have a couple of people but i just not the kind of person to lean on others i used to be i'm not anymore and the more time went on her death just it it was really bad for me i don't know why so my nurse practitioner sorry guys my nurse practitioner i went in to see an appointment for aislin and she could see that i was different somehow so she had asked me questions she thought i might be bipolar she knows some of my history some of my sexual trauma so she asked me if i would consider seeing a psychiatrist at first i said no because a lot years ago i i tried a couple times going into counseling i just wasn't ready and i just you have to you have to find the right person that you feel comfortable with and i just never did so anyways i finally agreed and after 40 like i was years ago i was diagnosed with chronic depression and which is now called um major depressive disorder and i was also diagnosed with social anxiety disorder i don't have chronic depression now because i do sorry that's about my son so um anyways i was diagnosed with ptsd generalized anxiety disorder and social phobia disorder social anxiety disorder um and he told me that i have a great deal of sexual trauma like i didn't [ __ ] know that already so they are um it was via webcam um because he was in toronto so they're trying to find me um he told me a counselor is not good enough i need specialized treatment for my years of trauma and my specific trauma so they're trying to set me up with um a specialist in my area but he wants me to um definitely do the md emdr but he also wants me to go on medication something like zoloft um i am against medication only because of my addiction for so many years and i just i just don't want to have to go there i guess i will if i have to but it was talking to um a very very dear friend of mine i met her at school last year and we just she is a gift from god she um in her country she was a pharmacist here she works with the mental health uh in a mental health unit um and she convinced me that i should at least try it she told me not just for aizen for me i'm not there yet everything i do is for my kids and since my daughters don't talk to me everything i do is for my son i know so um i'm having a really really hard time with that i'm always advocating for people about stigma and judgment and labeling and here i am having a hard time with the label ptsd deep down i've i've always wondered but i thought that was more for people who came back from war that's how i originally became known and i just i guess i didn't realize how extreme my case was until the doctor told me um i didn't want to believe it because i really have overcome so much and i've come so far and i have lied to so many people for so long that i'm okay that i even made myself believe it but i think that's one of the main reasons i want to do this be is because daisy was getting better people thought she was we hide it so well even when we're on the grips of death the devil has a hold of us so tight and he just won't let go we wear armor hope he disshield the world from hurting us but the paint seeps through and it's with us every day all day every second every moment every day no matter how hard we try to hide it it's there and nobody sees it i went offline for over a month and not one single person that knows me we tried to reach out tried even thought that maybe something was wrong not one person there was only one person that did think something was wrong actually they knew something was wrong and reached out to me and it is somebody i have never [ __ ] met the person i reached out to for my book he is a very close friend of his i've posted like liked his posts and stuff but it wasn't until i started writing my book that we had started talking more and he is one of the main reasons why i wasn't only just able to get through my book but i finished it when i did this person has been my biggest [ __ ] support in every way he calls me his warrior he even read my book he's the only person i've let read it aside from the person i sent it to and he seems to understand me better than anyone that knows me and he has been there every step telling me that i'm okay that i how brave i am how strong i am just always inspiring me that i can be better than what i've been made to believe that i have that i am that i can be i don't know why god sent him to me but i consider him one of the greatest gifts i have ever gone in my life and i honestly don't know where i would be at this moment as bad as i've been the last month if it wasn't for him especially but him and one that my one friend from school and of course without islam i wouldn't be here if i had never got pregnant with him i wouldn't be here and it's not because i love my kids other kids any less which i know that's what they think that has nothing to do with it they were 2 000 miles away from me they were made to believe lies about me with azlin i could physically hold him he i he needed me he depended on me he was a baby he was something to love and hold and fight for so he saved my life in every [ __ ] way and i don't love him more than my other kids i love them all the same but he's been here with me he's my reason to fight every day to wake up and not want to [ __ ] slit my wrist or eat a bunch of pills because i can't do that to him and even though my girls don't talk to me i know that my death would hurt them and my oldest would probably blame herself in some way and i won't do that i won't ever do that to them i was not the best mother but i didn't have any role models i didn't have anybody to guide me i did certainly didn't have anybody to protect me just kept throwing me to the [ __ ] walls and then blaming me for it my life didn't have to be this way but it is what it is and i'm dealing with it the best way i know how and it wasn't just a couple of times this is 30 [ __ ] years that i've had to deal with this that it's happened to me over and over as a child as a teenager as an adult you need to look at your loved ones and look at the signs they're there don't ignore them because you don't want to deal with it or tell them they need to get over it suck it up it's in your past let it go it happened a long time ago think of your kids you're going to be miserable the rest of your [ __ ] life or are you gonna be happy like i've heard it all we don't choose to live like this we did not choose this life everyone deals with their own trauma differently and however they deal with it is not wrong it's not right it is what it is you know one kind word one has saved lives do safety checks even if you spent the night before laughing your [ __ ] asses off call them that night when after you get home the next morning make sure that they're okay because nine times out of ten they're not we are just really good at manipulating and lying to people about how we are because we are so [ __ ] ashamed especially when we have people around telling us that we're weak that we need to just get over it i am so sick and tired of being [ __ ] judged and being put down because of [ __ ] that happened to me that i had no control over and i'm just supposed to [ __ ] get over it if i could get over it i would have gotten over it a long time ago you think i'd be living a shitty ass [ __ ] life being a [ __ ] junkie for 15 years if i could get over it my son my children deserve better i haven't even met my grandbabies yet i could have had a music career i had an incredible voice i have talent i could have made something of my life i could have been better than what i became but i'm trying everything in my power went back to school i wrote a book i am trying to be better i'm trying to make a better life for my children and i've had to do it alone and i've still overcome a lot i've never been proud of myself but i'm proud of how far i've come and how much i still try every day at least i still get up every morning even when i don't want to check on your loved ones don't turn a blind eye don't say oh they're just being themselves or they just need space or they just need time they'll get over it i don't want to [ __ ] deal with her today or him today one day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna wish to god that you had taken those five minutes to go check on them so that's why i decided to come back online i'm going to try to do these every day to let you know how i'm re-editing my book and then i'm sending it out to a bunch of agents i found out that it's better to send to agents and they help you find publishers and i also found out that most publishers don't ask for money so all the four thousand dollars i was going to set aside for a publisher i shouldn't have to do that so once i learn more about the process i'll let you know i'll let you know how my therapy's going once i start i'll let you know how my days are i'm gonna try and bring you as much education as i can doing this because i don't ever want anyone to feel the way i do every [ __ ] day if i can help one person know that they are not alone maybe my life wasn't for nothing maybe i went through all of that so i could help others so i hope you'll follow me i hope that you'll like you'll subscribe go to my other pages you'll share but most importantly that it will make you think about someone you care about and reaching out to them please leave any comments nice ones please you have any advice or if you just need someone to talk to message me anytime day or night i will be there i know what it feels like to not have anyone i don't want you to feel like that please message me anytime

Channel: AMamabearsMission

Views: 326

Keywords: sexual violence, daisy coleman, addiction, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Mental Health Awareness

Id: 4ZR_3qAzMpM

Length: 40min 34sec (2434 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 20 2020