How Do We Forgive Our Son And Forgive His Debt?

[Music] barbara's with us in minneapolis hey barbara welcome to the ramsay show hey papa dave and ken great to talk with you guys thank you for all that you're doing you too my husband and i have been married for 10 years we have a blended family with children ranging from the ages of 32 down to 21. uh there is a 21 year excuse me a 26 year old son my stepson my husband's son uh married lives in wisconsin has five children under the age of seven so they're busy um this son has asked us over two years ago bar asked to borrow three thousand dollars um my husband and i we are baby steppers we're on baby step six and hopefully we'll be seeing in about a year and a half for our final debt free screen to move us to baby step seven um we've had a difficult time getting the son and daughter-in-law to pay us back and it is causing significant strife in the family my husband and i are to the point where we just know we're not going to see the money again the remaining balance of 1500 and we've accepted that and we've moved on um however the sun continues to just give daggers and say that you know we were he was entitled to the money he deserved the money and our other adult children see this and hear these comments and where i would really love your experience ken is the son does not work he is not supporting his family and then throws the emotional manipulation to my husband and i that we will be the ones responsible when him and our grandchildren get kicked out on the streets so we're trying to determine how we just allow these these arrows to bounce off of us while holding the empty bag of a financial loan um which caused a strike between my husband and i because i did not want to borrow the money so we've had to solidify you borrowed the money to give him i'm saying you borrowed the money to give him we borrowed the money that's a double deal oh my gosh not only did he not pay you back but you went into debt to do this oh ouch ouch no we didn't no we did not go into debt no we're we're in baby steps oh you loaned him the money you didn't borrow him the money no well exactly you don't get you don't get to tell him what to do no your bank his bank doesn't get to tell him what to do right so any guidance on how we just you know don't engage in this toxicity while you're trying as well his dad needs to call him up and say the loan is forgiven forget it just forget it we don't we're not going to loan you any money anymore ever again but this loan's forgiven you don't know me anymore and i love you i don't agree with a lot of things you're doing but you're a grown man and you're allowed to do those things and um we're still gonna be friends i'm still gonna be grandpa and you don't owe us any more money forget it and if you if you want some help uh we can give you some coaching and we'll be your biggest cheerleaders but we won't give you either one coaching or cheering without your permission cut him loose set him free he is this is bothering you way more than it's bothering him oh yeah you've had 28 million dollars worth of grief he's had 20 cents worth of grief he hadn't got enough he had enough character for this to bother him well exactly yeah so this is both barbara barbara let it go it's just fifteen hundred dollars no absolutely and what what breaks my heart more than my pocketbook because we don't need that much you can't make your heart broken heart didn't even matter to him well right but it hurts my heart how he speaks to my husband his father that's your husband needs to say you can't speak to me that way anymore yeah okay you can only speak to me in in tones that are reasonable i don't allow anyone family or otherwise to speak to me in you know unpleasant ways in an ongoing and ongoing process now somebody can have a moment that's one thing okay um i don't cut everybody out of my life that has a moment that's not what i'm talking about but but as an ongoing abusive thing that's you know you're welcome to call here and you're welcome to be in our home but you're gonna maintain these levels of volume and this level of reasonable respect and i'm going to give you the same thing but you know don't call here and we're not responsible for your children they're your children correct we love you and what we're cheering for you if you ever want any advice on how to get where we are financially we can show you but but but we're not going to tell you what to do and you're not going to make us give you our money you're a confused young man and he just needs some boundaries your husband is a nice gentle man isn't he yes he's a six foot four giant with a big heart and a very very soft gentle personality so i want your husband to roar just a little bit and you do too yeah and you do too now i don't want him to be mean i don't want to be mean but it takes strength to set boundaries and that's what's lacking here is boundaries and let me tell you anytime you're someone like your your your stepson who doesn't respect boundaries anytime you put up a fence and he's used to playing in your yard he's going to have a fit so don't expect this to go well it's not going to go well because this kid's a twerp yep okay and so all you can do is just say you have to sit over there in your yard and have your little fit you can't sit in my yard and have a fit and i just don't worry about the money money's off the table money's off the table and the fact that you forgive it is not going to make this young man suddenly have character yeah and i think that's also one of the hardest things for my husband too exactly that's amazing it's sailed that ship sailed this is this kid's way too old for you to fix him you just gotta love him where he is and if he wants some help i can show him how you can show him how but until he's ready for some help it's everybody else's fault and bart i would just add you need to encourage your husband that this is not a direct reflection on him it's very heartbreaking when you see a kid and a grown man make these kind of decisions and say the things that he's saying but i'll tell you this i i want parents to hear this is it's really hard when you see adult kids do things that you didn't model for them you didn't teach them how to do it uh but when you see an adult kid like this who's not working to support his family um there's other stuff going on there's way more going on he's not lazy even though he presents as lazy he's lost and you said it earlier he said this is a confused young man and i think you're right confusion can make a person so lost that they lose all gumption to get out there and do something and that's the best your husband could be aware of to try to love his son that way but i agree dave you got to cut it off for a while until he gets away from call do not loan money do not loan money to your kids if you want to give them money give them money never loan them money because you change the relationship and that's part of what's soured this relationship

Channel: The Ramsey Show Highlights

Views: 158,905

Keywords: the dave ramsey show, budget money debt cash, real estate, insurance, how to make money, dave ramsey, save, credit card, compound interest, buying house, buy, snowball, How Do We Forgive Our Son And Forgive His Debt?

Id: 4CVHx6Y5pro

Length: 8min 8sec (488 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 24 2022