How Crucial Are The First 30 Days of No Contact?

i'm craig kenneth a relationship coach and a psychotherapist every relationship is different and every breakup is different work with me and you'll get professional help on your situation and if you're in no contact focused on personal growth my creative healing course is filled with hours of exclusive content available now at askcraig.net hi there i'm coach craig kenneth i'm coach margaret and today we're going to be talking about how crucial are the first 30 days of no contact okay a good subject yeah you know this is a good subject and i'm glad this came up i got a quick email because um a lot of people have heard of the 30-day no contact right right right that's been going on for many years i don't know how many years i don't know where it started um but the 30 days of no contact has kind of been something that people have kind of heard culturally and i think it's talked about in movies and stuff like that and so when people are going through a breakup that's one of the first things they think about and hear about and they panic about and i understand because when you're in no contact every second feels crucial and it feels like an eternity so i got a quick email that i wanted to get to and then we're going to talk about this they said hey coach craig and margaret i just started watching your channel a little bit more than a month ago unfortunately you were not the first channel i came across but i'm so happy that i did i travel a lot for work so i listen to your podcast in my car every day cool and when i'm at home i watch you on youtube i i never say this i always forget you can find many of our episodes on itunes and all the different uh podcast platforms that are out there so you can listen in the car i always forget to say that um actually i don't even talk about it that often and we recently had over a million listens on that wow yeah and i rarely even mention it on the when we're doing it so i'm just blown away by that uh so thank you yeah thank you uh they said i am i'm i'm on volume six of the workbook and i absolutely love them they help me so much uh to learn so much about myself i actually don't think i've ever been so healthy and it's all thanks to you so thank you both so much i know you guys don't talk about the 30-day rule like those charlatans i'm just wondering i haven't heard from my ex in over 30 days now do you think that hurts my chances do you think that hearing from your ex in the first 30 days is crucial for my chances okay so they came across stuff talking about 30 days and so they're wondering about that okay so do you think it hurts your chances if you haven't heard from them in 30 days i say not at all that's what i say too yeah not at all not at all it feels like 30 years right oh it really does it really does the hardest part and it's unfortunate because many of you are going to go to your friends and family and they're going to tell you it's done it's over that's it they moved on when it gets to like 30 days and that's simply not the case and in fact time after time at least from what i see people often need months before they want to repair things again yep exactly okay and i think there's a lot that goes on in that time and even though it feels devastating to you when you've been dumped for the other person i think it takes much longer than 30 days before they start to really feel the impact of losing you okay now that doesn't mean it doesn't happen sometimes of course it does but um not hearing your ex within 30 days don't panic no i don't think that hurts your chances at all and then of course there are all those fears that they're going to find somebody else any minute now any day now and live happily ever after and that's not likely either well you know one of the things that's scary is that a lot of times your ex does start dating right away and we feel like it's going to last forever absolutely i know i've been there sure i've been there and you really think that that new person is gonna see all the great qualities that your ex does but they may say that in the beginning but i really don't think it leads to get them getting attached do you no i don't i don't if it's a rebound yeah they might have fun for a little while and it might be a distraction to your ex for a little while but it very rarely works out yeah i think that's what we've seen and we there are no perfect descriptions of stages but we've we've thought about this in terms of what the i gather the girlfriend broke up with him actually i think this was a woman that wrote this yeah um so um you know she's going to have all of those fears and we've found that it can take months because first there's a sense of relief that you've done this thing that was very hard and you finally got it over with and then you might feel better for a while and six eight months later i really miss so-and-so and wonder if i made the right decision yeah yeah it's we know it's hard oh and yes and it's such a difficult balance of going uh between do i move on or do i wait for this person to come back for me and you have to make that judgment for yourself um i like to focus on the personal growth stuff and make that my priority and that way either way you're going to win if they if they come back you'll be in a much better position to turn it around and if they don't you're going to be much healthier and you're going to have a lot more skills to have in a new relationship yeah so no i would absolutely not worry about hearing from an ex in 30 days but we certainly understand where you got that i totally understand but if you sat next to me on my couch and heard all the the calls that i do and how things progress day in and day out i would say it's okay 30 days is not that big a deal at all okay and i you the second question was do you think it's crucial to hear from your ex in 30 days absolutely not i don't think that hurts your chances at all in fact the way i like to see it is that the more time that you have from them the more you really have this the space and the ability to reflect upon what wasn't working and to grow and to change because growth doesn't happen in 30 days no unfortunately not no it doesn't that wouldn't i mean not not much can change in 30 days no i think the big thing that changes margaret is the awareness of i made mistakes and it's such an overwhelming fear of i made mistakes and that's why they've left me that's right that's why they feel like i've changed no not in 30 days no it takes time to work through your attachment issues it takes time to heal those uh things that happen in childhood that you're only starting to become aware of right which is why we talk about attachment issues and trauma and mental health and all those things yeah so you know i'm glad somebody sent this because i had never really thought about um that 30 day and feeling that pressure of uh it's 30 days or or it's 30 days should i reach out now right and aren't there some coaches who say you should yes um i don't recommend that no in my experience it's much better to allow that person to come back and you know of course every situation is so different i've had people that i thought and said to them wait why are you in no contact this person is trying to repair this and what's going on here and and then i hear situations where it's like okay you definitely need to say no contact especially if somebody's like saying is there a legal actions or that you know that they're being threatened with legal actions like don't call me i'm going to call the police oh yeah yeah um but um i do think that 30 days came from somewhere many many years ago and it just kind of became uh you know yeah yeah in the culture yeah and and so that's why we're trying to enlighten you guys and help you guys see that no 30 days is not a big deal um and if somebody broke up with me today i would not expect to hear from them within that 30 days sometimes they do though yeah sometimes they will do indirect direct approaches of the breadcrumb you or they need your key yeah i have your sticky to your apartment or or sometimes they have to handle business yeah but um if you're in a situation where you're afraid that oh my gosh it's been 30 days i haven't heard from them or 30 days is about to be up should i reach out to them now we don't believe in that that's not what we ex you know and it's always hard to explain i i think we both do it all of the time how does it better your chances to not be in contact than making contact okay you're telling me not to do the thing i want to do the most and that's going to scare me the most because i can't do it but we have found definitely no contact is much more likely to get your ex back absolutely than contact absolutely we wouldn't tell you that yeah but it is counter-intuitive craig's favorite word right it is it's counter it doesn't make logical sense yeah and you're going to have a lot of family and friends that are going to say things to you they don't understand how breakups navigate because they're so complicated right i mean a lot of times family and friends are telling you they're done they're over you move on just forget about it she was no good for you anyway and you know but that if you're if you loved her it's not that easy no i told you my latest my latest war is against the the phrase of you must let go no you must work through so you can't just let go of feelings that are major for you you have to process them and entertain them and and deal with them yeah you know so you can't just let go and date somebody else next week that's not the healthiest thing to do no and i mean people mean to be helpful they don't want to see you glum they want to see you cheer up yeah and oftentimes they're angry at your ex for hurting you yes of course and you know they most likely had a relationship with your ex and so they're upset because they're like i can't believe they would do this i can't believe they would leave you and so they're hurt and angry at your ex too and sometimes it'll be a good point yeah so they'll say just move on yeah family may be particularly hurt by it and you know you got to think about who's telling you these things how healthy are their relationships right are you getting advice from somebody that can't maintain a relationship telling you just forget about it move on well who's been in a relationship for 30 years and doesn't talk to their partner that's another possibility that's a possibility so um it's okay if you don't hear from an ex in 30 days i would be surprised if they do i would be thinking more likely they're going to need more time and i think that's a good thing because it really does take time to get your life turned around and really work through issues that you've been doing or things that were going on in the relationship that you're trying to improve but this gentleman sounds scared to death yeah yeah and i again i think this was a girl who said i didn't i didn't write the name okay and this but it was an email that it sent me but no it doesn't ruin your chances yeah no not at all so keep focusing on yourself keep focusing on that personal growth it's going to help you either way you can't lose by focusing on that because like i said time and time again either you're going to have another chance with that person and you're going to show them you've changed or you're going to do amazing and new relationships and how what's better than that what's better than that right and what we say right off the bat is working on your attachments absolutely absolutely so hopefully you found this video helpful of course if you want our help personally just go to my website askcraig.net sign up for the coaching option that works best for you i do email coaching and i do skype and margaret is available for skype coaching if you think i can be helpful please sign up just click on margaret on the top of the website to do that that's it for this video i'm coach craig kenneth i'm coach margaret and we will talk with you soon

Channel: Coach Craig Kenneth

Views: 74,179

Keywords: How crucial are the first 30 days of no contact, the 30 day rule, 30 days no contact, it's been 30 days since they reached out, 30 day rule, no contact 30 days, not reaching out for 30 days, not talking to an ex for 30 days, the thirty day rule, how important are 30 days in no contact, they haven't talked to me in 30 days, one month no contact, its been a month since they talked to me, one month without talking to ex, Coach Craig Kenneth, Coach Margaret

Id: dmR_ZM_sGVA

Length: 14min 31sec (871 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 30 2020