How CLUTTER makes us feel unsafe in our home (Podcast Ep. 17)

all right John so I was helping a gal in our community and she was standing in her basement and she had inherited all of her mom's stuff when her mom passed away the whole estate and so it was co-mingled then with all of her stuff that she had acquired over the years and so there was boxes and Rubbermaid totes and some were labeled and some weren't and she was just standing there in front of all this stuff and I said what are you feeling right now and she said I feel like there's an elephant sitting on my chest and I can't breathe and that's maybe one of the little more extreme cases of how we feel when we go to declutter but I think so often we hear the comments of I I feel anxious I I don't want to make a mistake right I don't want to get rid of something and then realize oh I could have used that and so so many feel this anxiety creep in when we're trying to declutter our house we know we should declutter our house there's a lot at stake with it but when we actually sit down to do it we're like Paralyzed by this fear of making a wrong decision welcome to the minimal mom podcast Don reaches a million women each month with practical tips to simplify your home although I've always been very organized and neat being a single mom with health issues was a whole new challenge and then a few years ago I saw a video with Don asking us if we really wanted to keep managing all of our stuff my jaw dropped and the world froze around me for a moment well my entire perspective changed being a low income single mom I was afraid of not having enough but suddenly all I wanted to do was be intentional about how much I took on to manage Not only was my household more manageable now but so is my schedule and the invisible load that I chose to carry Don literally changed my entire life in one moment with one question today Don is joined by Dr John deloney an anxiety and mental health expert author of the book own your past change your future and host of the Dr John deloney show so today if you could just tell us the answer to that I think I that'd be awesome so I think in I love your the story that you just told because that's an extreme example that applies to all of us I think it's really common especially when somebody is inherited things that the memories of the person become transferred to the stuff yeah and whether and and that's that's the same as like with my little kid right these ridiculous art drawings that look like somebody died via crayon and I want to hang on to it right forever and ever because my my daughter my son's trapped in this they're not right it's just junk because it really is just junk right and we're not ever gonna sell this for a million dollars right they're not gonna be Picasso so but I think going back saying what she's really feeling on her chest is my mom is now here and and I can't breathe with Mom here and so it's pull it's it's pulling mom out of this thing okay so in everything about anxiety I always wanted to to roll down to three pillars um connection human interaction um safety and autonomy do I have control over what comes next in my day right and so would when I look at this tent that I haven't used in 11 years and it's like what are we doing here okay the safety alarm goes off if you get rid of this and the house burns down we're hosed right right right and so I need to then check do I have the other two pillars lined up do I have people in my life that I could call if my house burns down yeah so often in our current culture we don't we don't have anybody call right or um do I owe money on my mortgage so that if I don't make a payment to take it away I'm gonna live in this tent because is this tint really a backup plan because my body knows I'm not safe because we owe somebody else money and I don't have autonomy I don't decide what I do tomorrow Bank of America does or the mortgage company does if I have transportation to work and I owe a payment on that thing if I stop making the payment the bank comes and takes it back my frontal lobe knows I got a good deal on that car the anxiety part of my brain that keeps me alive knows we're not safe because One Missed payment and they're coming back to get this car and we don't go to work and then it all comes right right so I always want to look at those three pillars when one of those things goes over a tent does that make sense it sets off these hard it wasn't my mom's tent and when we were untangling the key to untangling stuff from people is grief is owning mom's gone yeah and she's not captured in a couch or in a picture frame or in a whatever mom's not there right yeah so then take us back I'm in the garage I know I need to declutter so what's at stake here like you're an anxiety expert like can I just keep the tent in the garage can I just keep the extra stuff do I really need to get my environment simplified what's actually at stake here yeah so one of the some of the beautiful research that was really compelling to me we were talking before we started it's been it's been sad for me because it's true is that like the rise in ADHD the rise in anxiety the rising some of these things can be directly linked to chaotic environments and our bodies trying to adapt to chaos and I know it's really hip and cool to be like it's all genetic or it's all biological yeah all that stuff is triggered environmentally yeah and so when I live in a world of chaos or in my house when I just got stuff everywhere and I'm a I am a like a poser prepper like it could all go down my dad was a homicide detective like I know it could all end right I have to know that choosing to live in that chaos the the other side of that teeter-totter yes I've got enough rations to last us for a year right the other side of that teeter-totter is my brain constantly is screaming at me we're not safe we're not safe we're not safe there's too much it's too chaos yeah right right and so I want to always say do I use this stuff is this stuff serving a purpose and the rest of it's got to go yeah right so really we're having to promote mind our ability to have a safe place to come home to right because we're actually I mean are you saying we're actually not feeling safe in our house when it's like completely cluttered yeah our calendars are cluttered our relationships are cluttered our homes are cluttered with just stuff and think about it in the the course of human history homes have never been so full of our living environments haven't been so overwhelming right and so our branch is trying to adapt to a new world which is stuff everywhere and on every wall and on the ceilings and special it's too much right and you you put that on top of calendars that there's you cannot miss a red light or your whole domino of your day is over right because you're late to this and relate to that um and our pantries and our food it's just too much it's too much and our brains are saying we're not okay yeah it's too much right but we might head into a recession I mean absolutely is it still I mean if the economic climate's changing I mean isn't it giving me some safety if I have all this stuff saved up man um but I know those thoughts I know I'm gonna I'm I'm I don't want to get you canceled is what I'm trying I'm trying to I'm gonna answer this honestly okay yeah um I'll preface this with I'm a six foot two I don't know oh this is on YouTube right yeah I'm a big guy who's a lifelong Texan whose dad's a cop I've run around with police officers right I'm I trained mixed martial arts I'm ready to go if we need to right so I'm prefacing all that to say this I've been in buildings and in rooms and in homes when the worst of the worst happens yeah and what I will tell you is having yet another weapon or yet another seven months of food there has been tiny snapshots in history when fair enough that would have been helpful 99 of the time the greatest thing you can do during the middle of a Calamity or crisis is know your neighbors yeah know the people in your community have a guy you can call that can help you with like he's got the tools to fix the whatever he'll come over because we have a relationship because we've had meals before right does that make sense yeah and so the greatest thing you can do and if to prepare for a recession to get to know your neighbors yeah get to have people over for dinner and say you bring something and you bring something you bring something now it costs all of us six bucks for us to all share you know what I'm saying yeah absolutely cancel your subscription service and have people in your front yard yeah around a fire pit right right and this isn't woo-woo and this is this is just neuroscience and economics right yeah well and I think we can then bring that back to my friend in her basement and say she was trying to do it alone and it what really stood out we're gonna talk about your book too what really stood out to me as I was listening to it is that grief is meant to be done also in community that we can only be done in community and so here she is trying to not only declutter but grieve trying to rationalize like what is wrong with me right all by herself like that we need to do it with each other the great David Kessler says grief Demands a witness yeah you've got to sit down and say I'm hurting and my mom's not here I gotta say those words and I gotta say I'm in front of somebody else yeah um so if I'm her I'm starting with writing a letter saying dear Mom I miss you yeah and you left me a whole bunch of junk Ma and we've been talking about right so I'm gonna have that I'm gonna have that quote-unquote conversation and then we're gonna sit down with a couple of friends and they're going to help me go through this stuff yeah and we're going to find people that um the back end of grief is making meaning right what's what what's the what's the purpose now yeah yeah who really needs a couch in my community who really needs another dresser right and there are people in your community that have needs yeah let's go and put this stuff let's go let moms like Mom's Goodwill and let's spread that around people who need it right yeah yeah that's awesome so John I mean let's talk about your book a little bit if you could say one thing about anxiety today one clear takeaway what would it be that you would want everyone to know in almost every case anxiety is not the problem anxiety is just simply an alarm system letting you know it's your body trying to get your attention that things in your life and your environment are not okay yeah back on those three pillars I'm disconnected you found yourself alone yeah and it's important for me because I'm surrounded by people all the time I can often find myself alone in a crowded room yeah there's been years I'll celebrate 20 years of marriage this summer there's been years I shared a bed with a woman who I know loves me yeah and I feel completely lonely right and so lonely can be proximal or it can be emotional right or I'm not safe I'm an abusive relationship I'm an abusive work situation I owe somebody money and it can all go away right I'm not safe yeah and then the third one is I'm not in control of my tomorrow yeah right and it's just an alarm that just lets us know yeah and I think if I mean that was a huge mental shift for me it's like it's an alarm there's nothing wrong with you there's nothing wrong with me but like you said you can't tape over the gas gauge or the smoke alarm right that's that's the best analogy is when the smoke alarm goes off in our kitchen if we race to get up and we could take the batteries out we have not fixed the supplier that's been burning our kids we're making a pizza and like the pepperoni falls on the burner and then the kids just go they know which doors to close on the main level so that the small glamor soak up yes exactly so it's that's the alarm's not the problem it's just letting us know hey something in your house is on fire yeah they're trying to it's actually trying to help right yeah and I would highly recommend your book oh in your past change your future um if if at all possible listen to it on Audible because I think what came across the most as I was listening to it was your passion and your belief that any of us could deal with this and get through it and that we don't have to keep living like this so do you honestly believe any of us watching right now or feeling anxious that like we could get through this yeah yeah I I I I'm a lifelong I've been working in crisis for my whole career and um than working in people's mental health for years I think we've over complicated it and I think we've over professionalized it and we've over dramatized it and I don't say that to disparage my community I love the Mental Health Community they are doing great work yeah um we've just made it a mental health something that you go do yeah and you have to do it over there yeah and I think for most of us not all of us but most of us can do a lot of the healing in our homes and with our communities yeah and I think that a hundred percent of us whether you what I don't care what trauma you've had there is healing on the other side of this if we agree what has happened and take ownership of it and then ask that one terrifying scary question what are we gonna do now yeah right and that's where most of us get stuck yeah yeah found it I mean practical felt like inside my head a lot of you're talking out like and then I was thinking this and then and so it felt so practical um so many good stories and it I mean I was captivated the whole way through the book and so if someone's watching today they're like okay yeah I've probably been taping over the gas gauge like I'm not looking at it like what would be that one step today to like go to the gas station stop ignoring it what's one thing I could I could take away today and do um I man that's a great question I think the most practical thing is to take a quick inventory and I hate that word when it comes to people but it is what it is take a quick inventory of who would I call in the middle of the night if I needed someone to come watch my kids um because I had to take my spouse to the hospital who would come over if my mom who would I call if my mom died and quickly take an inventory of the people in your life and if you are found yourself alone if you found yourself without a community or you still are telling those stories from 14 years ago with your friends from college like that's just like remember that time the reason guys get together when they're 40 and still tell old high school football stories is because that's the last time most of us were part of something bigger than ourselves wow the reason women get together and tell that sorority story over and over again yeah is that's the last time they're truly connected and our task we don't have a picture of how to make friends how to be in community our task is 35 year olds and 40 year olds and 50 year olds is to say those were awesome and I love those people yeah I gotta have that I gotta recreate that in my home I gotta read the grease that in my neighborhood in my church and wherever I happen to be and that's gonna let my body go and now I can deal with the childhood trauma now I can deal with the racist idiots now I can deal with this stuff because I'm anchored into other people yeah yeah that's where I'd start and I loved in your book because I think many could look at charismatic like you're dude I'm a train wreck and he said we actually had to like sit down and be like will you guys be our friend yes yes yeah and here's what's here's what's really bizarre about that that story took place about two and a half years ago so it wasn't that long ago no and I don't hang out with those two people very much anymore I still love them we're close but like I moved okay and they ended up getting a different job and got here so also life shifted again so just recently I've come off the road I've had a season I'm on the road all the time my wife said you know what you got to do and I was like oh no she goes you gotta find friends and I was like but I have friends she goes really because I just got this book and I was like oh no so the thing is this the process starts over again yeah and the process starts over again and that is a life well lived is not trying to fix find this one place it's kind of like you like you can sit with somebody declutter their house then Grandma's gonna pass away and the U-Haul is going to show up and so we're going to do it again and then we're going to do it again right right and that is life and if you can make peace with that then it's like okay here we go again yeah and it's not this dramatic I thought we solved this now you don't solve mental health you continue to live it and live it and live it yeah yeah that's so good well of course we'll put links down below for your book and I do think I mean I don't like the word like therapeutic but I do think decluttering can be kind of a therapeutic process too to realize like yes oh yeah I was clinging to this I was finding my safety in this but can I tell you my chief my chief complaint with um the last 100 years of of psychotherapy is this um we've told people that mental health and key to mental health is getting the right thoughts in the right order and if you can just order your thoughts the right way then everything is fixed and there is some truth too we've got to get our control of our thoughts there's a whole section of the book about controlling your thoughts but we got to do stuff yeah you got to move your body you have to come up with a plan and say I'm going to start this and finish this and here's what the result is going to be and so I think something as simple as and as challenging as decluttering I'm going to say I'm going to choose to free my life up I'm gonna have to go through some memories I'm gonna have to have a hard conversation with my spouse and my kids I'm going to go through this process and at the end it's going to look like this and it's going to be hard and challenging there is something about the doing of that that will change your brain literally I can do hard stuff and I can have a hard conversation my husband and I have been having needing to have this conversation for 10 years we have we're having it now I took control of my kids and said pick two the rest of it's leaving right and suddenly you find this I'm stronger than I thought I was I can do things that it and that bleeds over into I'm not gonna let that guy at work talk to me anymore and by the way I'm not driving this fast anymore I'm gonna get in the other lane and just set crew it begins to bleed over into your other life into the rest of your life right so I think you're exactly right just go declare your house and this is the pot talking to the kettle man we're just talking I was headed there now yeah in my morning gym this morning I was like I gotta make some changes right just today I was doing that and what keeps you so originally what keeps you from the home and and donating a dollar prepper or the it is it's um I grew up in a house my dad was a homicide detective and so 100 of his day um inside the bell curve was dealing with stuff that never happens nobody gets chopped up with a hatchet and nobody my dad that that's what he spent all Tuesday yeah right and so that slowly bleeds to at any moment it could all come down and you better be right and so I've got that wired into me and so there is like let's just be super real I've got a the garden at my house is insane I live out in the woods the garden is bananas Garden using a spiritual thing for me and my wife it's something I let my kids close to the soil and it's obnoxious right and and here's the fourth thing we don't buy vegetables for about five months out of the year and so it has a it does have a tangible budget thing I drive to Missouri to buy my beef and I buy it like in bulk and wow because I'm a weirdo there is something nice about not having to have bought meat in the last three years right it's knowing the areas right what does help actually get security and what is like dude we grew up poor right yeah I would never my mom would never have gotten rid of the extra craft supplies and the extra clothes and the extra Linens that's just ready 42 fishing rods really or do I need to because how often do I go fit right do I need 11 baseball gloves that's where I look around and think oh I need another one of those another one of those and suddenly um I'm not being a good Steward of my resources I'm creating a chaotic world for my kids to grow up in yeah and I'm weighing myself down right so it's time for me to get back into it you know we probably should just touch on kids real quick if you could do 30 seconds on what do your kids need and not need when it comes to stuff what would you say I'll just tell you the story the other night I've got two again the Texan living on the woods is going to come out here I got two turkey decoys at my front yard that I just put up there and my daughter who's six she's a human hurricane um I want to like to buy her music and I want her to like 500 like I want to curate a great life for her right and we had she had a wooden sword and I had a stick and somehow she's a weird she was a wolf creature and I was a dragon of some sort and we would run out and we were defending the turkey decoy I don't understand what was going on but we air sword fought and we were doing somersaults and whatever for about an hour and we went back inside and I heard her telling my wife my wife is reading her that her bedtime story she said today was my favorite day of my whole life and so I tell parents this it's the greatest parenting advice I ever received was from Jack Black which is don't try to make a happier a happy kid happier and so I'll see my kid with a stick in the mud and they're just screwing around with it and I'll think my kid doesn't play with sticks in mud they need some and they end up an hour later with this Blinky toy in another game and they're over sugar let your kids play what your kids really really want is you yeah they want you they want you and you is free right so create space and time to get rid of all the junk give your kids space to breathe and sleep and well John this was I'm still kind of like wait where am I what's going on so fun today this is my favorite thing no one's ever uh interviewed me in this house we should do this more often can I tell you this thank you for putting joy into the world and for giving people tools um the most common thing I hear all over the country is okay now I know I don't know what to do next and you do that for people so thank you so much for providing me like joy in the world and with a smile you're just so lovely I appreciate you so much thank you thank you so much for joining us today if you're looking for more support be sure to check out the minimal mom on YouTube too [Music] thank you

Channel: The Minimal Mom Podcast

Views: 60,968

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Id: QzM1FDjp-KE

Length: 21min 26sec (1286 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 19 2023